Swing

Few things I luv -

1. Pendulum

2. resonance effects within  benzene rings

3. momentum

4. intra- & extra-cellular matrix

Yes I was a science student.

I did very well in chemistry though I forgot most stuff already but there are still some trace of a notion, of a drawing, etc. My frenz asked me why I could do so well, I said I dunno, I just could feel the stuff.

Pendulum - someone described me as that, my logic vs emotion

resonance - I just feel so awed by that power

momentum - u kick it, it starts to run 

intra- & extra - cellular matrix - I always wondered since young if there's life within life within life......

(I always imagined that my hair was the universe of another race or people.....and they were living in it)

Anyhow..................................................what I am trying to say. Just some background.

I have been asking myself some questions lately. It bothered me alot, as I so couldnt understand the situation I have been in. I have to tell frankly, I am very very tired and fatigued from my life. I thought of ending it couple of weeks ago, as I got really tired N emptied out. And of coz I hv been reading different books, somehow I want to jumpstart something......u know, something.......

So last nite, I had a dream. Actually, now I am not sure if it's dream within a dream or basically 2 dreams separately. Both dreams I was on a swing. But in one scenario, the background wasnt like earth, more like a highly advanced thing, coz it had a very tall bldg (my memory is very vague) - so i was on the swing, it swinged really high, and so I asked, why I could swing so high to the sky....(it's like I could swing so high, same level as the bldg). So somehow I semi woke up from another dream or real life, now I couldnt tell - my mind told me that it's the answer to the question I asked before I fell asleep.......................................

The swing is my answer.

Band-Aid to the broken heart (scientifically)

First, thanks to Mr Funny introducing me to read up on Gregg Breden, but what makes my heart beat heavily would be what I am going to share below. Now I totally understand why I studied science and why the heck pharmacy though I hated it guts to the point I disowned this profession. But as I always share - studying Pharmacy has an advantage, whereby I understand alot of science stuff plus human stuff (as we are prepared to work in pharmaceutical companies (hence product development, formulation, marketing - we need to grasp the understanding, plus also we need to do alot of counselling & educating the patients). And most of all, we are trained to read literature, journals of science sorts, of coz. I am so so thrilled to read what's below.

http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/content/feb2011/id20110225_354247.htm

"............electrical currents can be detected in developing embryos and in wounds.........." =>

1. "the cells that become the heart begin to pulsate very early on in embryonic development, it can be said that the vast majority of the time that an embryo develops is in the presence of electrical signals."

2. "........... in a wound, the (these) charged particles spill out and create current (movement of charge) that can be measured and that subsides as the wound heals"

Hence, the above findings have become the fundamental points of research in finding how to "grow heart tissue".

Note: "the heart is the biggest source of electrical energy, much much bigger than the brain............ "

Creating the band-aid for wounded heart-tissue is to modulate the frequency of electrical stimulation to "trick" the cells to grow into heart tissues - these engineered heart tissues would be the band-aid of the broken heart tissue.........

Maybe this week, I will share some points regarding the Divine Matrix by Gregg Breden, but I really dont think I can grasp what he's talking about as it has alot of physics in it, which I suck in physics. But he points out about power of emotion/feeling - generated by heart (as above, remember, heart generates bigger electrical energy - also magnetic field - than the brain) could actually change the reality (in simple term - anyways, I still dont get it much but I am more interested to prove certain scientific points he makes first), so above rgd the engineered heart has somewhat excited me alot..........

Anyways, it's exciting to know the physical broken heart could have a band-aid and our heart actually creates more electricity than the brain........these would be a great pondering moment for us. Maybe the spiritual heart could be healed & modulated too. :D

(actually, I got other research rgd the heart N brain bla blah EM fields but I find this simple article to be most intriguing)

I hate that....

When that crazy Eric called me at MN, and I missed his call.
Shits...not sure if he got bad news for me from the company.
Anyhow, prepare the worst!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Called him back, he didnt pick it up.
Guess he must be making devil plan in his head.
ASSHOLE.

But I just hope that he pressed the wrong number. Whereby, actually, he always sent the wrong email to me.
LETS HOPE.
I cant take in more bad news.
it's a time for good news.
I want GOOD NEWS.
GOOD NEWS PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

The thing is I feel so agitated inside.
Tjis shitty asshole always brings bad news.
ALWAYS.
I really need to find a job so I can quit this shithole once & for alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
But though I really still want to continue what I am doing
Universe, Gods, SAVE ME FROM THIS AGITATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNN

A habit is not a need

I just start to really luv his quotes and read his books.

Paulo Coelho -
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

You know, it seems human race is more driven by habits than needs. I try not to be trapped in such, but the fact is I AM very much in the core of many habits.

I dont need coffee but I drink it, reasons? nothing to drink so I drink coffee, and of coz I prefer its taste more than maybe lets say - Milo.

I dont need alcohol esp I dont actually like it but I will order many till I am drunk when I am out. Reasons? It's kind of stupid asking for soft drinks when the bars would charge you 10, 15 times more than you got from 7-11.

I dont need to shower but I have to coz I would smell. But think about it, in cavemen time, they got no soap but they were sensitive. Apart from less scent distraction, do you think it's possible that one's own pheramones or smell would be the catalyst of  ascending subconsiousness? The most deteriorating of our 5 senses, I would have to say is SMELL, coz we are so intoxicated by the present air. Yet.....I many a time would love to understand more about our olfactory system as it stores alotta memories or recalls. A scent is dead-on, irreplaceable but selective (I think).

I dont need to miss someone, but it has become a habit.

Despite hating & feeling disgusted by it, I admire people who could cut a habit and recognizing his actual needs - though the reasons of need could be something stupid, like need of sleep, need of being lazy - yet he could make a step changing his pattern, breaking off an essence of habit.....I admire such people.

I hope I could achieve what he said. Nothing is irreplaceable. It's so true, yet, more you know how it could be replaced, more you dont want. O well, It's but just a Habit of Stupidity & Procasination.

:)

Being Butterfly

Not once in my life, many say I am actually a butterfly. 

A social butterfly.

A metamorphic butterfly.

Butterfly personality.

Come & go like a butterfly.

Floating like a butterfly.

I think, I am actually a butterfly, apart from being "reptilian" from Orion.

As I glanced through my pics from young, I indeed look very different. It's not just being nerdy when I was young. I just really changed. I dont think I could recognize myself if I could go back in time machine. And I think, I should start to forgive my old frenz or family, how they couldnt even talk to me anymore. I mean, I dont just change, I have become another person.

Not sure if you read up paranormal stuff. There are few kinds of hybrids, one is called starseed (I believe it;s me), the other is walk-in. My witchy astrology friend was a walk-in. I think I have been walked-in many times then.....I think once this group of "weird" people did tell me - people like me would change every 2 years and there would be no way for them to recognize me again. 

I guess, to others is very threatening. For me, I have lived with many of my problems & flaws for so many years, I sometimes dont even know it if I dont pause a moment & think. Esp, when I am uploading some pics of my past & present to picasa - I realize, I couldnt actually recognize the "me" in the picture, also I realize I look like a cat.

My god, I am just blahblablahhhhh............becoz my mind is so empty nowadays. I just want to yack something so.....to make my synapses work again. Ummm, I did make a wish yesterday that I would meet someone challenging & mind provoking soon. I need some renewal again. I have been in cocoon for sometime.....and I want to breakthrough the nutshells again & fly out a prettier & smarter butterly.......

:)

SCREAM

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH just want to scream
SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
HATE what I am doing
and need wisdom to get out
lack of brainwave to know
powerless inspiration
FERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

PEWH. Thanks.
I hate all the guyz called ERIC. 

Wow, another 30 somthing

.........hehe, entries, I will hit 400 entries
which, I gotta say, 95% of my stuff is so bullshit.
I hvnt got the mood to write lately
so I resort to photo blogging on iphone now
I suddenly feel this cageless bird blog is a drag
I want to open another one with more exclusive limited viewing
though, I think.....I only have 1-2 readers here

I want to start something more provocative
more crazy
more erotic blog
I mean, really, put what I think inside
anyhow, I hv been naked basically this year
why not!?!?! huh!!??????

Seriously, I felt like being stripped clean, robbed naked these few months
my mind has become so stale that
I mocked at every word I spoke
I hate my stupid slow mind
I dislike my powerless brainwave

It's like my neurons can no longer synapse
there isnt any chemical, there's lack of neurotransmitters to transmit
does it mean I need to take on some dopa
or just dope

I hate this feeling
I hate slow mind
I cant even joke about anything
I am supposed to hv quick wit, but I am lacking so badly lately
I find myself becoming like a boring person
I need some electric shock
in the past, I wud hop on a plane & go somewhere
just to somehow to shock myself alittle bit in diff way
now, I cant
The only excitement I have is I can shoot tequila
hehehehe
yes................when it efferescents from the throat back to the tongue
the kick was amazing
i suppose U got that from whisky too, but I hate malt

Full stop of my bullshit
I am just hysertically calm nowadays
YUCK!

Feel Like 1000 years old

I always know I am an old soul, but still think I am kinda new old soul. But lately - actually today.......my "tiredness" of things (not exactly entirely negative - but I got no words to describe it) has made me feel that I am already 1000 years old. Not exactly wiser, not exactly tired - but I started to see some understanding of things. Maybe more forgiveness. Less patience for things dont deserve me. But I am not sharpened yet. Still got long way to mould. I cant say I am excited. But a strange feeling. Like yesterday as I said, I felt da me is coming back soon. And one sign of Da Me is back is that I didnt sleep the whole night until now.....it's the Da Me trait. I think I am really workaholic, when there are things I want to achieve, I can go without sleep. It's abit crazy but it's kinda my way too. It';s the Da Me. Period.

Very strange things too - as I am feeling old soul within, as I look back my old pictures..........I actually kinda look younger than before. Even my stylist told me that. Is it some kinda reverse, like the movie by Brad Pitt....U kinda grow up in reverse (cudnt recall the movie name).....weird. Of coz I could see sign of old age - some fine lines, etc etc...........o well, maybe better camera now. haha

Da Me

I was talking to my "life analyst" over the phone as I gotta update him my situation. Actually, lately I feel in somewhat, da me is coming back, but still I could feel I am now in a river, tied with a string, a small string.....I am not back on land yet. However, I am focuzing to find the me back. And as he said, i would know when I would be back. And indeed, I somehow am so in touch with myself, I could even tell how well I speak of a joke or a thought....lately not so good, but better than past 2 months, I suppose. 

So today, somehow a british guy who wanted to date me for a year....hahhaahahah.......surfaced on a chat. Honestly, I am not interested in him but it's flattering someone could remember you after so long without contacts, at least 4 months I guess. I think he said something he found me awesome being so upfront about many things, I said, yes I am intriguing. But the fact is, u know, I am tired people saying they like me coz I am honest, open & upfront........honestly speaking, I think people cant handle honesty. It's a trait people desire after but do not want it at all.

I hope Da Me is back on soon. I miss the hilarious ME. I miss the crazy ME. I dont care if people would luv me coz I am that outerspacey hilarious, crazy & honest anymore. I dont think anyone even needs to think why they can luv me or not, I am just so darn super gigantic wonderful person....why the freak I need to care if people wud luv me, as many would, few cant is fine, rite? I mean even just me luving me is totally enough, who can say they hv at least 1 person who can luv one unconditionally????

I WILL BE BACK - Terminator.

Weird Dreams

I think, really, first thing one should do is to record their dreams if they could remember. I havnt been diligent about it but I did have vague memory of 2 dreams.

I realize that many of my dreams have something to do with water, guess maybe my star sign is of water. This recent dream, I couldnt recall the specific, but the only thing I remember, instead of running across a highway, I gotta swim across a highway of river - inside which many giant fish looking like some greyish whales....but they were not exactly the fish that I know of. Somehow, I just gotta swim across it. 

Anyways, apart from water monsters, underrwater training, this is another one related to water. It's good I am not of fire sign.....hahahahaah

Second one was last night. I dreamt I was in this apartment - kinda old with old furniture. While I was playing around with my date, he told me he didnt like my place. It's old. So I said coz it's so cheap, I just needed to rent it.....he said everywhere is dust, but I was fine as I didnt have allergy.....keke. Then next scene was at a dinner party - somehow they were all rich people. Another guy came to me and said - u know what. I could transfer the stock share to you since your flat belonged to the listed company - I said, wow, could you do that? He said, of coz he could.......lol...alternate dimension, people still wanted to benefit me. Then another guy came to me, should be my date or a friend....I couldnt remember, he said, U gotta move. I said, well, I got no money to move, and he said...I would pay for you. Then I started to tell of the ghost story and people were gathering around me in aweee.....................kekekekekekeke

I think in the alternate dimension of me, I was also experiencing financial problems, but the "she-me" was lucky as she knew all the rich guyz. keke

American Documentaries

I mean, they always have intriguing topics - Nostradamus Effect. But the material is so shallow and repetitive, but what got me interested was the anti-christ part, whereby nostradamus prophesied something interesting, e.g. Hitler - Napolean, etc........Kinda browsing abit on Hitler. It's amazing how he could create a social-cult in such short time, while, actually a jewish oracle prophesied to him that he wud become a chancellor , but later of coz murdered by him. At his suicide - he chose 30 Apr, coz it's like the "ghost door open" date as in our 7-14 chinese custom..........

Then was kinda intrigued by Issac Newton too. He was very diligent in deciphering the bible code, and actually his documents were surfaced sometimes ago (maybe 50 yrs ago?) - yet he was an alchemist. Isnt it abit strange that in somewhat....as I am reading some doc or books lately - alchemy always has some association with the bible in somewhat. And U know, I am good at chemistry and ie why I got very intrigued by the term alchemy before I knew what it meant - never thought of turning lead to gold, but I think turning things to things isnt the real practice & desire behind.

Intriguing!

Addicted yes....

I am addicted to TV, as many know. Actually, I never rely on any form of drugs because I can easily get addicted to everything. Well, now I am addicted to this link  as I can watch many shows - UK shows, US shows, Talk shows, even discovery channel, documentaries, etc..........I luv british accent very much since last year, hence I am browsing through shows that ideally have it. Anyways, brits tend to have more of the documentary types into the ancient worlds, another of my search & favourite as some of you know. I was watching Ancient world, ancient discoveries, celtish britan....etc LUV it.......

And what thrills me most is of coz it's great seeing all these documentaries, but also as they go along, I can do research....such as I am reading up on Augustine.....i was reading kabalah as well....then some other names etc, trying to enhance my common sense, which I have to say I have none.

This is the link:

http://www.watchseries-online.com/

I am currently catching up on:

1. White Collar

2. Bones (starting to really luv the show, the female lead kinda reminds me of Monk)

3. Gossip Girls

4. NCIS

5. Supernatural

6. .....

7.....

Forget what else I am watching, as hv been looking up on the ancient world thingie......^^

Enjoy!

Different Group of Friends

Last night, I talked to my high school friend for hours. Actually, she's the only high school friend I am still talking to.  And we were laughing coz it's like we were back in high school talking nonsense but we are willing to listen to the....kiddo-est things we gotta say.

I mean, I could always be myself 95% of the time with my frens. Yet, I realize, there's some so so so kiddo stuff that I cant even open my mouth to say it out, except to this high school fren. I luv her......

Then makes me come to think of it, maybe I mentioned it before, so basically I am repeating myself. We need different groups of frenz to make our net secured. I really think we cant just have one kind of best frenz, but multiply kinds. And truth be told, I am always blessed with great & cool frenz. And rgd best frenz, I actually have quite a number. I dont think for best frenz means I gotta tell them everything....different people cant accept different things, esp for a drama queen like me.

However, the quality of being my best friend is -

We gotta mutually respect each other, accept without prejudice. I know rest assured that he or she would be there if I need them, and vice versa. If it's something really urgent, I can call them 3am in the middle of the night and I know they would fly taxi to see me. (it never happens - I believe unless I am sick, I wouldnt call anyone at 3am.....hehehehehe). Though, I do recieve msg when my best frenz are drunk. Same, I would send msg if I am drunk at 3am to....my best frenz only. Somehow, when we grow up, we dont disturb people without reasons.

And I feel I am blessed with many great frenz whom we could cover various topics from UFO, Ancient Civilisation, Bible, Spiritual, Love Affairs, Business, Bullshits, Karaoke.......hohoho. Yes common frenz could be in these categories too, but mine are not....we could share the above plus other things. And I know, if they are not going smooth, they can come to find me anytime, and same here me to them.

Again, I luv U my frenz, My dudes, My galz.....MUahhahahaha

Sometimes we all get tired

One way or another.

Maybe waiting for a chance.

Waiting for a bus.

Waiting for the doctor.

Waiting for someone to change their mind.

Waiting......

I have been waiting alot....really.....I am not a 100% patient person.

But people who know me well know I am very impatient, yet very patient for things that are worthy of my time.

Like my sis kids. I was quite patient with their education.

For my ex-es, I was too.

For my life...maybe work....ummm...yea, ok......70%

I was telling Mr Pasta last nite, how I would send off my ex-es. hehe, he found me really weird.

E.g. before I broke up with my ex-es, I would - find a church for him if he's a christian; or if he was jobless, I would advise him and pass him some freelance; or he was social handicapped, I would force him to build the network and make some frenz first.

It's abit nutty doing all these things. But I couldnt NOT do it. It's not like they are all the best merited guyz on earth, but somehow I need to clear my conscience. Ie me. My conscience is so important. I do agree with the preaching - we all have the soul within to discern right & wrong - I think it's the conscience I am talking about. 

Sometimes, I do get tired with myself and lose sight of it. Like the scam few months ago, I think it's my responsibility to suck it up. I was ignoring my conscience. Many times we could be blinded. really. When we are kind of lost. Esp with a bit of my impulsiveness - I kinda got squinted, things become dreggy.

Esp someone told me, innately I am an antenna - ummm............to upstairs, so Id better check myself, examine myself more. I am abit scared, honestly. I want to be an angel, not an antenna. :( It seems things become so heavy for me now.....very hard to understand what I am talking about now, unless I could tell you face to face the whole story. Yet, it's like a long TV soap opera, some say about my stories, it's always episode after another episode with more dramas, more climax, heheheheh..................(I swear, I dont want it gahhhhhhh) !!

I believe this year is really a time of learning acceptance & awakening. To identify the difference between peace at heart vs blinded conscience. Anyhooos, I think.....whatever it is, it worths the journey.

By the way, I need different people to visit me in June, at my place....actually I have been arranging different frenz coming here every week.......somehow I feel this place needs more people. As the whole floor, I am like the only person....hehe....do bring tequila, I can serve coke zero & yummy juices!! ^^

Shit.

I think I lost a post......it was a post with alotta gratitude inside. Anyone read that?? I lost it. Couldnt find it....arghhhjjhhhhhh

My roomate

I had a fun conversation with my back-in-Mel-days roommate on YES...........WHAT'sAPP. Best app ever!!!!!!!!!! APPALAUDE!!!!

WA brings me tears at times, but it surely brings me closer to some of the frenz who have it, even with my sis. E.g. My sis needed my advice on her nite gown, and she sent me 6 pics choose. Anyways, of coz I picked what fit her the best, and wanted to take the rest away from her. hehe....who can offer better advice than me on fashion?? :P

(actually I am out of touch with fashion, I am very very back to basic kinda gal now. And I feel if you could bring out the fashion SMELL from basic, U r a guru. hehehe...ie how I am sculpturing my sense of being and my pheromones now, yes. hehe.)

You know. 90% of people comment they prefer people to be honest & frank. The fact is, 90% of of these 90% cant actually take the truth. And among the 90% of the 90% of the 90% couldnt take bluntness. But then why people say they prefer honesty. To be honest, among these 90% of the 90% who want honesty ARE not capable of being honest. And then another 50% among the 90% of the 90% can only be the person to act blunt and "honest" but they cant take back the honesty. hehe.

OK, my roomate - E - isnt one of them. She's capable of being honest. And she's capable of taking my honesty and bluntness, at least, mine could be quite straightforward. I learnt not to be too blunt as I know my tone of voice....it's horrible. Even I am lying, I sound like BLUNT - O maybe ie why I could be a good liar. hehe. She is a devoted christian.....I respect her point of views alot, hence I always ask her some silly bible Qs, esp lately as I am re-reading Genesis. To me, there are alot of "flaw".....hehe, of coz she replied some really christian answer but with a sense of WIT.

Yet, I cant deny.....it's very hard to discuss issues with a grounded belief individual. I think, just like if people want to discuss about me - while I already have a fixated pt of views about myself - it wouldnt be an easy task to deal or bush around it to just talk about "ME". We all have walls. Walls being your fixated views about a faith or about a belief.......they are the boundaries. And on the contrary to some of your guesses (despite I am free spirit), I 100% agree in boundaries. These walls are the boundaries.....we cant bounce past them, we can only try to push the boundaries to give us bigger room, bigger space to bounce around them. As I mentioned before, freedom doesnt exist without boundaries. (a very very wise man once told me). Kinda zen....kinda weird......but I agree absolutely.

One more word back to bluntness. I guess it's very hard to execute it, it's simply due to each's perspectives on his own pride or mutual respect. I think....I have strong confidence that E & I have very good mutual respect to each other, though, it doesnt mean we agree on every term, it doesnt mean we could swallow each other's word with the biggest grin on face - yet the honesty was first founded from LUV.

So........ok....seems everything goes back to LUV again.

Cast Away

I need to find the dvd.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162222/

I think.....I was like the character. keke.
In many ways. Taking to a volleyball? :P
I feel like revisiting the movie.................and the moment he was found.

Ummm........long movie, so guess I need to find another good day to sit comfortably, undisturbly to watch with my dogs....^^

Thanks to Guillaume Canet & Mr Funny

I had 2 revelation today. Sorry, listen to me like U r listing to a nut person. But I feel so happy rite now, and I have to say it.

1. I once asked Mr Funny for advice, but he rejected me coz he was tired. haha. He told me, I should go to sleep and have a shower. Dont go shit while thinking, as they will be shitty ideas. Go shower. They will be good ideas. Today......I started to have a fresher idea.....during shower. thanks thanks.

U know how hard it is lately, past 1 month for me to have fresh ideas.........I think I am revived.

2. While watching the movie Last Night, I was awed by Guillaume Canet....by his eyes. This reminds me how much I love to look at people with eyes that can communicate. I remember I once could. At least I felt I could. My eyes have been dead for many years. I looked at the mirror for years, I hated my eyes as they dont talk anymore. I mean....I was not really hating them as much, but more like....I didnt look at them anymore. (that also proves I am not a self-idolizing person...:) ).

OK, GC.....I went on to watch from tudou his earlier movie "Love me if you dare" - yes his eyes again. I luv people who speak through their eyes. Tears r good if U can use tears to communicate emotions....not all kinds of tears r good. Anyways.

Then I look at myself. I have been dead inside for years. I mean, yes, I am still at times inspirational, motivational, challenging, crazy, sentimental, abit intelligent, abit posiitve, abit negative, abit this n that, but all were dead.........I am not sure, but I have this epipphany.

Maybe, just maybe.......the need of what I gotta go through last month - my broken heart.....was a way to revive my soul, to wake her up.....as I feel I lost her.....for long long time. I remember when I used to go to church or even when I was younger......someone would tell me, if I wanted to grow, I first needed to be broken down first - and there's no WAY to turn back. I would never think and jump to the challenge.

In church, the prayer would be - break me and mold me to be the vessel God wants me to be. Tell you, God did answer my prayers and I was.....shattered into pieces. Anyhow....no need dwell here.

Then in life, my high school teacher told me, if I wanted to know "life", I gotta open the door....and this door could never been shut and there was no turning back ever.

Today, there's no such prayers or opening & shutting doors.....rather, there came a need for me to grow up, a need for me to find back my eyes. The radical modification was for my benefit to redeem my eyes.....how could I see when I have been so blinded without soul? Shits................I am so excited. For tomorrow. For next week. For next month. For next year. I hope this thrill isnt just a thrill.....but awakening for me.

And somehow, my lost soul, despite, lost and abit dead before, she was guiding me to read some good books, she was making me feel weak N vulnerable, yet......a string to attach to my life, to my survival instinct............really, if I never felt my heart was broken into pieces....maybe today I wouldnt see I couldnt see. I am going to sleep..........I want to find back my soulful eyes tomorrow. I will look into the mirror....and see them...........hehehehehe

Sorry, I am really so thrilled and excited. Becoz...............I kinda finally recall what I have been lost. It just gave me goosebumps. :P

good movie nite....

1. No String Attached. Nice...cute....fun.....

2. Last Night......now, rekindle my luv for the frenchie charisma.....
a very dialogue movie....

3. Jeux d'enfants - Love me if you dare
cute, enchanting....^^


I am fulfilled.

Unexpected is good sometimes

OK, my sis lent me this dvd - No String Attached.

NOW, I want someone to spoon me in clothes. hahahaha...dont get it, watch it.
Kinda sweet romantic comedy. Dun get it why Ashton Kutcher could be so cute.....I dont actua;ly find him "cute", I mean he's so tall....and he just has that nerdy kinda cute. Anyways, just cute. Natalie Portman totally acted out how I felt at the last 30 mins of the movie, she's just a wonderful actress.

Amen!

Infinity

Infinity offers you another chance. hehe.
I heard something really nice today. Honestly, if I am more "awakened", I would say something more intelligent, however, now, I am abit dumb, I just recite what I heard.

Sometimes we worry if we will get a second chance
Even infinity moves both direction
it's not singular
........

:)

Bones

Bruce told me he was watching Bones. So after X Files, I took out my Bones and rewatch it, while I am doing my work, or helping my sister correcting her grammar, or reading my book. Still, Bones could make me cry.....shitty me. Really. Not cry, tearful, I should say, esp at this episode about Xmas. The bones they discovered was about a man being murdered - he was white and got a african american gal pregnant in 40's,50's(?). So he was preparing to take her to live in Paris, as at that time, marrying a black in America was not allowed. It's so touching...................:P

Flinch

Fridge
Fringe

Shits, I heard this word FLINCH - it sounds so good but it has "bad meaning" - to retrieve with fear. Yet FLINCH sounds so cool.

in Luv with Tequila NOWadays

Shits...luv it.
I prefer it more than wine now.
I luv the kick. I luv it sipping through my throat to my lung......hehe

OK, housewarming gifts
1. Tequila
2. candles not from Ikea
3. Money

lol

I saw a ghost on the peak......

KAKAKAK.............a mockup ghost I should say.

Ok, as usual, I would do some crazy thing. What I did today was - I started off at 8ish, took a 15 bus to the peak, planning to walk down from the peak, as I totally forgot where was the start point from central....I remembered it should be sloopy trail.....

Anyways, first attempt down the sloop....wrong. So walked back up then asked a guard or something, he pointed me to another way.....so I started walking......walking......walking.....it was clear at 1st, then started to get foggy. Saw couple of people on the way but....basically no one....so I kept walking walking.........

What stunned me was......I saw some white shadow and at 1st I thought there was a short man or child standing there.....yet, I thought to myself who would stand there...OK, as I walked closer, I knew it was a jacket hung on the pole, yet, it shaped like "human". While, then I also thought it was a human.....so I gazed at it to see if it moved. hahahahaha..................

Then it started to get real misty, foggy.....so I ran abit, hoping I got off to the ground asap. Then I saw a european walking my way.......yeah it was fine, I assumed he was doing some exercise as well. However, I walked abit further - i saw him again. So I went up to ask him if it's actually a loop or U r a ghost (of coz I didnt ask....haha). YES, it was a loop....holy molly!!

So I walked back to the bus station and took a bus back down.....it's already 10:30. lol

But the nite scenery of HK is indeed super awesome!

The air is thick

I just opened my balcony door to let my dogs go out to have sunbathing & some fresh air. Somehow they luv sunbathing alot. I could feel the thick air outside - the sky is actually pretty clear with some nice white clouds. Blue enough - not total greyish. Yet, I think the humid has saturated the air abit so I could feel the thickness, of coz, mixed with the normal polluted air. Still, I cant say it's all that bad, considering I am living in HK island, at Sheung Wan area. I give the air 80% score.

I hope most who read here could have a chance to visit my place. So far, my frenz say it's very comfy. I like it here alot, not just the balcony. But this place makes me want to hv less things. :D

Luv the simplicity and color actually....more N more in luv with here.

One-Quarter

Someone just told me - I know I am not your 1/2, but would like to be your 1/4
LOL

I dont believe in 1/2
but 1/4 sounds quite good
so I can have 3 more 1/4
the number seems pretty awesome

if life could be easy

we would all have been a zillionare.

or

doctors as a professional wouldnt exist.

I had a strange encounter today and yesterday. Somehow, it precipitated some thinking. nothing needs to be written here. actually, I dont feel like writing much. For the time being here.

I may start on the side blog or my book.

In btw, I met up my soulmate again on Sat. Ummm, he's going through very tough time. Sometimes, it's really difficult, if you do encounter alotta life & death and disappointment in life. He still keeps moving, esp he has an important person - his gf.....we have become close. I think they are going to be my another best frenz very soon. :)

Conclusions

I have been making dreams.....it's interesting. I luv it. I luv tapping into that world. Maybe it's subconscience talking, my life shouldnt stop here....there are much to dream on. My frenz, to be frank.....I am at the very end of tunnel. I got no idea how to move on, esp I always had a heart. Now, actually it's broken. I mean my mind, my ego, my being could get broken down and I will always find ways to rebuild - but the only thing left, my heart (my soul) has been taken away, I feel that void and helplessness. Anyhow.

I, as me, never give up that easily. Always find ways to self-inspire. What I am doing is I start to get interested in spiritual journey that many people talk about. I am reading up on Camino. Will see if it would re-ignite some fire within, actually, I already knew - it will. 

Somehow, since young, I know I am a spiritual person, but maybe to christians, I am a rebel. hehe. Anyways. I once visited a medium, she said I would become a channelist one day. Then another kinesiologist (muscle testing master) said I would become powerful (guess he meant spiritually). To be frank, I knew it. But I walked away from it, as I got really scared by ghosts or power. I mean I always wanted to be a superman, of coz..........I may want to re-read the Bible if I got a new one, as I gave mine to my japanese best friend when he left HK as a gift for his soul. Anyways..........

Lets see. I would become a witch or a saint. kakakakaka

an explosive, mechanical dream

Wow, I luv this dream as it has some kind of mechanical thing behind it, though I think it's not entirely sound, but I believe in another universe, it may. HAHA.

I was at a building. With quite a no of artists in an apartment. Each could present their own work. My friend, I think it's him - POW (we are not that close but he's a photographer in real life), so he was showing his "painting" or "patchwork"......it was a cozy place indeed. The bldg is not the chinese one, more like a french old building or Mediterranean sort, not sure until I visit one some day. 

Anyhow, the whole bldg, I suspect, inhabited everyone that we knew.....somehow there was a commotion, so simultaneously, everyone was opening their door and shut it. So somehow, it created a vaccum suction - and BOMB, the walls blew up and flew all the stuff to everywhere. And...we human got caught into middle of it, and as for me, I got various parts stuck in my arms and stuff. However, it was kinda casual and I just pluck them out like a sting - no bleeding or whatsoever.

Then "police" came and accused of POW - supposedly an engineer as well. He was accused for not staying in the bldg to ensure the intact of the bldg, as at that universe, an engineer was responsible for such cause.

Actually, I am just attempting to write, but it was not even 5% close to what I saw in my dream.

SO COOL......^^

Maggie & Leon in My dream....

Man, I have been having really vivid dreams lately. I am trying to put them down as best as I could.

I dreamt of a conversation between Maggie Cheung & Leon Lai. And I was present.

I believe he was asking her at various occasions - so you never told me how you wanted me to treat you. Tell me what I should do. Why are you not letting me know what I should do, etc etc etc.......so I could be with you.

Maggie wasnt responding much and somehow I felt she was upset. So I stepped forward and started scolding him. 

- WHAT!??!?!?! You need her to tell you?!?! ok, WELL, have you even bothered to have started doing anything without knowing "the criteria"? 

He was dumbstuck.

So if not, then why the heck you are asking her. You havnt even tried, and U r asking her???? I AM ASKING U AR, HAVE YOU EVEN TIRED AR???? ANSWER ME LAAAAAA

Then MAggie tried to pull me away and asked me to go....so I could calm down myself. Then I saw my ex....he dressed in the most horrible some kind of knitted wear...............he was trying to talk to me, I was like trying to growl at him. hehhehhee.....guess everytime I got tantrums in dreams, when I feel like yelling at someone - he would appear!!!! LOL

STARTING NOW, STARTTTTTTTTTT

oh. Housewarming, I meant.

I think I have already figured out where I should put all my tedious stuff. Only maybe 5% of tedious stuff I havent settled.......which are the worst nightmare as always. On top, both of the NOTTIE hounds are like inspecting me.....checking on me....dictating me.....It's really frustrating when they try to put their noses to what U r trying to grab or......when I squad down to arrange some stuff, they would jump on my lap, or they would try to take my hand away so I can touch them, stroke them. No wonder I can never keep a man.......kekkekeke

I believe my housewarming parties will start this wk. Tomorrow, My fren is taking her dog here. Then Friday, few of my frenz will be coming over. Then guess next week, I will get Bruce gang to come...then other & others. YEH!

My place is not that "nice" but my frens who dropped by said...they find here very cozy N comfy. I finally understand, I belong to vintage............vintage, old place suit me. I luv old places too. My floor, no one would be here after MN....luv it. ^^

LETS PARTEEEEEE

Need Help

I guess Bruce will help me. Ummmm, I think it's time I should start on my books, all whirlwind feeling has stopped and thunderstom, hurricane have already subsided. It's time, I should compile something together....

I am re-watching My Sassy Girl, actually it was started from the internet blogging. I mean the story is so simple, but it offers enough mild twist with lovely moments to spark a movie....

Guess mine should be enough from a Triology - but the 3rd one should be shot after I am dead. heheheeheheh

See See who wants to help me to sculpt the ideas together.....:D

I am so KIDDO

U see, a fren - yes trying to court me - got a present for me from Mexico. I hope it's Mexican....hope not just grab it somewhere from USA.........but I so want to know what that surprise is.....man, hope he doesnt disappoint me. If it's not a good surprise or Mexican, I dont see him again. Maybe he would just get me a tequila.....lol..........that wud be nice too. Good for housewarming purposes. hehehehehehe

Just such a small gesture makes one so excited, I am so kiddo. But I luv surprises. Good ones, of coz. Having too many bad surprises for too long la.......need some good ones to make life brighter, yeh!?!?

Just FUCKING step

I jsut fucking want to throw my dogs out
THEY fucking follow ME EVERY FUCKING STEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
I cant do anything, as SHADOW just wants to see if I got any food to eat
BEFORE I begged her to eat, she ignored me
NOW SHE WANTS TO FUCKING OVEREAT
SHE EVEN WANTS TO EAT ME

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK, thanks, I just need to yell somewhere.

Trouble

Lyrics | Kelly Clarkson - The Trouble With Love Is lyrics

Seriously

X Files tames my emotion.
I had a test during these few days.
I watched lighter movies like - I should say rewatched them - Luv actually, Luv in the Puff, My Sassy gal - these movies were supposed to be funny, of coz they have a twist of romance too. ARGH...shit, died. So now I can only turn on X Files.
Well, I dont hv pure nutty american comedies....maybe I shud go n get some. I dont even know which would make me laugh.....I just cud remember - SOmething about Mary was the only movie that made me laugh till my head off......but of coz that was like thosand years ago.

:)

Dream about my Parents

LOL.....how they got me!!!!!

Well, first off, I had a dream about a psycho......I couldnt remember if he had some kinda superpower or not. I just remember he knew he was trying to call me, and I was trying not to answer the call, and I used I got a project somewhere...etc etc.....and he went there to look for me......buzzing me......the fact was I was so tired that I went home to sleep.....inside the dream, I was quite scared of him, somehow I knew maybe he would kill me or something.

Then, the next moment was how my dad & my mom met....I always believe they had me hence they got married. I never confirm with them. hehe...anyways...........inside the dream, my mom was very chic kinda gal back in her time, they were dressed as 60's, 70's look. And she was out with her frenz (actually I think they told me in real, they met in a picnic or something, very old-school)......she wanted to dance. Then, there was this special effect fog inside of the "disco"......ie where my dad appeared. He started to chat my mom up but my mom was kinda ignoring him. He said it's his first time, my mom of coz was abit skeptical about that. Then, my mom was trying to find her frenz, and my dad asked her "dont leave me here"....kakakaka, she was really quite chic & pretty there. Anyways, the final shot was my mom couldnt get home so my dad brouight him home............of coz the bed thing I didnt dream but I knew what they were doing next.

LOL, I AM SO SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.....................................

Weird, maybe I hv had alotta dreams about my family, only these 2 nites I could remember.

Hangover is actually good...

Well, first off, I have to say this....lately whenever I have few more drinks, I do have a bit of hangover, not as good as a drinker than before, lack of practice. The worst thing is that, I would sleep for maybe 3 hrs, then somehow I would get up and couldnt go back to sleep maybe after another few hrs. It's very traumatizing, as U r supposed to sleep, rite....?!?! Then I would force myself to eat something.............then try to get back to sleep.

However, I find that now I kinda understand why people would go drunk after some moodiness....or broken heart, coz hangover is worse than feeling sad............it's very disturbing in your head, your body, so kinda it makes me forget why I am not happy about - which in magical way makes me happy and hopeful again. I mean, hopeful in terms of my alone future......it's very enlightening for me.

Now, I am super tired and sleepy, but I just took shadow to vet.....and gotta go back and pick her up now. I just gotta get home to check on Lottie, as she wud be super mad why I always brought the big sis out and never her..................so I gotta go back and let her see me......sigh, being a mom is so difficult. U gotta take care of each of their feelings. I think being my dogs are so lucky in a way too...........a mom would run around like that for both of them............I hope they do know I am a good mom and luv them very much. hehe

Lesbian Dream

I had 2 dreams today. Though, I had some kinda hangover....I had one 50cl or a pint(?) hoegarden, 2 white, then some chiva, some more beer at K......YAWN.

OK first dream.

I was taking my sis boy somehow to go to a theme park with very thrilling rides. I did put him on alotta clothes, and when I arrived, my mom told me that he was cold.....then I said, maybe forgot to let him wear a scarf. Then, somehow I made my whole family (no dad) to ride the game....and it was quite scary. I kept thinking maybe somehow the ride wud throw my sis boy out. hahaha.....but in my head I was actually thinking, how often I forced them to do the things I want to do....:P

Then, 2nd dream was a lesbian dream. She's a korean. Not so much we did stuff. It was more talking but I kinda knew we were an item.However, we were kinda breaking up as well. I am not sure I was actually a man or a woman in the dream, lets assume I was a woman to make it more interesting. 

Anyhow, I was at her place. She rented a very unusal corner......I believe the house has few storey, all open space. So each floor (very small, maybe max 200 sq ft or 20 sq m) and with the bathroom at the top floor. Then somehow, we gathered to play a board game.......with other dudes. And I recognize one face - she appeared in my dream before. And she was pregnant and we were congratulating her for her wedding in coming days.......weird, huh!!??

Guess, maybe I was in my alternate universe. I went there once in a while with my present soul. hehe.....I could very well be a les there, or bi. I prefer bi....more choices. hehe. Thoug what fathomed me was the gal that I knew.....she was in my other dreams....ie the weird part, guess she was single before and now in this present tense, she was getting married.

Ummm, apart from believing in fairy tales, I do believe in alternate universe. I mean more like being intrigued by it, as it's I believe why we have deja vu, or dreams like that.

Interesting!!!!!

I dont have that many books.....N the Bible

I was trying to read World Without End....it's a huge and crammed book. But I was hoping something more fantasy-ie. Guess the title conned me. Maybe I should go back to Lord of the Rings instead. I am trying to pick a book from my shelf, nothing satisfy me, after reading Brida. Maybe I should be diligent enough to just finish Unbearable Lightness of Being - but this belongs to my on-flight read, so I dont want to finish it on land. It's not like I would be travelling but I am asking God to give me a job that makes me fly alot. hehe.

I guess, I finally get some things. So I hope books could ground me alittle. I feel May is going to be better. Less hurricane-like storms......guess there should be some lightning, but hurricanes shud be no more. Sigh, wasted so much time....why do we have to waste time to understand life? Why cant we have a menu that comes with already in mother's womb?! Then, its so easy to have a fulfilling life. Haha, but fulfilling life without scars - maybe it's not a real life. Why somehow I like christiany, it always talks about Free Will. Honestly, to many this "religion" doesnt sound like giving us that. But whatever ways to see, it's a good doctrine.

Though, can I challenge the christians abit.......where does in the Bible say God gave us Free Will? I couldnt recall anywhere I read it, just like Adam & EVE didnt eat "APPLE" - it's not an APPLE tree. Is it more like the Bible implies God gives us Free Will - then it wouldnt be exactly God's word, rite? It's more like human interpretation.

Lately, I do want to read Bible again. Little known to many, it's a great book. I mean, for christian, it's spiritual essentials. To me, it's wisdom essentials.

Ummm.....good I am starting to use my brain to rationalize things again. hehe.

yes ie what I need to do now., rationalize & internalize.

YEA, all about me reaches 100 ENTRIES la. ^^

My way to tame my wild horse - no.1

WATCH X FILES.
hahahahaha.................I find X Files tame me. It  calms me.
Somehow, aliens can tame the wildness inside.

I LUV X FILES.

Shadow eye look look Lottie bungie jump

CLICHE ME

I watched this show....more than 3 times, hehe....CITY HALL - CLICHE KOREAN. LUV IT, though. hehe.
Just wanna share some songs here....^^

I love you again and again





Uncertain Luv
Dont freaking know what she sings but everytime it brings tears, dunno why.



Dont say Goodbye
Luv the lyrics....man.....hahahahaha

I AM JEALOUS

Bruce had a very very detailed ploted Inception dream

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want it too.
Maybe I am too shallow. Shits.

:(

My First Chapter....

no, it should be my 1st page....of the first chapter of the book I was planning to write after a super sci-fi concepted movie dream - yes humans could walk under water and I was one of the being trained ones. LOL...yes in my dream! 

Argh, but then my ideas were abit scatchy and complicated, I didnt continue it, as I wasnt sure how to connect the dot....from Matrix recycling human to my underwater training to I was mummified and then brought back to life.....knowing that by one touch I could turn things into salt. LOL

Abit stupid huh!!??? Never mind.....

Let me show U the first page now.

Current Time: 2015 Dec

Weather: Gloomy

View: The moon is unusually huge

Orion and clusters of unknown-name stars are observable from where I sit

Temperature: Unusually a warmer day than the last three Dec nights

My memory is drifting off to 3 years ago, when the moon was just a 5 dollar coin size from where I sit.

I once said

The saddest thing a person has is lack of hope. Someone told me before they lost hope. Umm, I always argue that it's the worst kind of death sentence. Then another fren called me the other day talking about life vision, life goal, direction, etc......

Kinda started me thinking. No matter how much I dont want to be a zombie all these years, somehow I have been one for many years, in many ways. Where do all the years , seconds, minutes gone to, gone by?

I went for some interviews, that accelerate how I feel. I cant blame it on bad luck. I cant blame it on the assholes. 

As I am trying to take on the responsibility to myself, I think I still have hope. It's so easy to blame others for our sufferings. I dont like people blaming on the universe or god or their parents or their whatever.....

I always think that somehow I am given many opportunities to challenge my width of  talents, my depth of wisdom, my length of patience.......somehow I so believe in karma that I really hope I could live off all the karma of the past. I always believe there;s a reason why I gotta go through all these years. Hence, I always have a mission that I would be there for people who are lost, who have sorrows......and someday I should write a book to encourage people based on my experience, my theories, my thinkings. Ummm, this blog is a way to do so. As people glance through it, they could see my struggles - I am not as arrogant as I appear. Not as smart and tough as people believe. I am but a mere human with some ET outerspacey ability. hehe.

I trust that my life is going to be fine. Not just fine. It's going to be fantastically fabulous. Though, honestly this time is hard for me to believe it, yet......in order to not waste all my efforts, I need to press on believing it I will be fine, I will be fabulous. How could I not? The universe is fair, as I believe. As Always U need chaos before calmity. U need asymmetrical before symetrical. U need emptiness before full.

I luv the fact that.....even a broken clock could be right twice a day, meaning, I get chances to be right afterall.

:)

Wild Horse

Emotion is wild horse, how can U tame it?
Sorry, I believe these couple weeks, whatever I am writing here is going to be absolutely bullshits. And I am sorry to blind your eyes with so much depressive thoughts, nagging ideas & negative negative.

I just cant help it, and I dont want to tame it AT ALL.

My high school fren laughed at me today. :(
She said I deserved it. haha, she;s kinda rite. I used to mock at her too much.
Always asked her to get a grib........shits said now  I am shits. :(

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
VINDICATE ME.
RELEASE ME.
DILUTE ME.
DIFFUSE ME.
SCATTER ME.
OSMOSIS ME.

Sorry......I am really really really really distorted today.
Sorry.

How to tell...

I am moody.

I started writing a short story, I stopped after 3 lines.

I started writing an email, I stopped after 10 lines.

I started writing a letter, I stopped after 30 lines.

I started writing here, I stopped after 3 lines of 3 different entries.

Then I discarded them.

Suddenly I want to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer - coz it's so juvenille and funny and witchy.

All demons, magic.

Or maybe I should start reading The Great Dialogue of Plato.

Inspiration. Aspiration. COME UNTO ME.

COME DOWN IN A FIRE.

Restless, LEAVE ME. CAST U OUT IN THE NAME OF SHADOW & LOTTIE.

Thoughtful. LEAVE ME. CAST U OUT IN THE NAME OF MAUS.

Ich verfehle ihn

Just some scattered reflection

I was thinking. I am a person who remember people's eyes alot.
I observe the eyes, listen to the words (vocab).
I could remember if I like someone's smell or not.

Ummm, then I realize, actually I am not sure what I want to say, I have 2 thoughts.
First one is - I realize I couldnt remember his eyes. Except by impression, he has sad, lonely, tired eyes.
2nd one is - would it be possible that my soul connection I thought I had with him was not real? Ummm, yet, it's hard for me to comprehend also.

How could one be able to communicate with the soul, not remember the eyes?
And how would one need the eyes when the soul to soul have connected?

Ummm.............WOW, new things everyday!

Great Pickup Line

In Ancient Persia, they had this custom.
Whoever is paying the bill of the night, named the KING of the night.
So he will have one bottle of wine, one bottle of water in place.
2 glasses.
If he pours into 2 glasses same portion of water & wine, it means he wants to talk both serious & pleasure issues.
If he pours more wine, means he wants to talk pleasure stuff.
If he pours more water, means he wants something serious.

NOW writing it doesnt seem very pick-up-ky. BUT,
when I was reading it, I knew it would be my great pickup line to get someone to pay for the bill.

HEHE. Adopted fr Brida.

Wine = my perfume?! & Others

- OK, I have met some different people who told me they liked wine or they tasted wine or something like that, but never someone has taught me abit of how to taste & smell, esp white. Sorry, I suck at this area. Also, I dont have much patience in diciphering "the wine". But last nite, this new friend of mine taught me alittle bit, and that wine reminded me of my own perfume, and actually he agreed. It was FUN. Didnt know that White Wine could have "different layers" too, but to me, I couldnt tell the layers, more like segmentation. hehe. FUN. It tastes unlike other white I used to drink, guess they were cheap then.....haha

- Ear-Rings. 

Sigh, I luv this teardrop vintage like ear-ring so much but I kept losing them.....until one left. Yes I had 2 pairs, now only one left. Luv it......but well, never mind, my hair is longer so I just wear one side instead. Hope I could find something like that somewhere again one day.

- Brida.

Was reading this  book by Paulo Coleho, it's about soulmate & tradition of Sun/Moon. Well, didnt even know I got this book.....anywhow, I finished it within a day. I always wanted to finish one of his books and finally I managed it. I luv some of the quotes and will post it here someday. However, it speaks very similar as my thinking.......I think really it's time I should start my book writing.

- Shadow

LOOK AT HER!!!! Her eyes are bigger now. WIll take her to vet tomorrow....I really hope it's simple liver infection. Oddly, she became more active after I came back from my trip.....and esp I kept telling her no matter how I would do my best to save her. Ummm, finger crossed.

- Books

Contemplating what's next book to read. Should read more, yea. yea.

Look Alike Sammi & Housewarming

As my bookshelf arrived, and the balcony chair set came....I was trying to assemble them, the result was great but not without damages....yes MY TOE. I hvnt hurt my toe for ages....OUCH. So painful.

Then my few of my frenz came, just to visit my dogs.....and of coz I revealed my past, yes photo album. LOL....they couldnt recognize me at all. And then I saw one that I was asked  by a japanese photography student to be his model....gosh, it's so funny!! And then I realize that why my ex said I looked like Sammi, some angle I do look like a little bit.

And then my fren reminded me I promised of housewarming, but honestly I dont think I wud have one. Maybe just have a flow of house parties at my place, whoever is free, bring some expresso capsules (yes my fren is going to buy me an expresso machine, hehehehe), or wines, or candles not from Ikea. I will be sure to present my photo albums, I am sure U r gonna be amazed, and in awe....lol....then some drinks, cheese, snacks at balcony.....WHAT A LIFE!!! I just had my first lunch at balcony - SUPER COZY!!!!!!

Show it here some of the pics I took like years ago as a "model" lol

I just luv this kinda vintage dress......I am gonna stay fit and to be fitted into these again, before I turned 40....hohohohoho........no, 45..........heheheheheh

ENJOY.

For the ugly but adorable pics from Uni, U gotta visit my place to check that out. :D

After One week, Shadow is...

After one week of refusal to eat, today, to my surprise, I could hear her tummy grumbling....gloorrrhhhh gluuuuuuu............so I fed her few kibbles, and she finished them. Then I gave her some chicken, she finsiehd them. Then a pc of dog biscuit my sis made, she finished it....despite it took a while, I just put it at her food tray....let her decide for herself. 

I never have a pb with shadow doesnt want to eat...so now seeing her eat makes me overjoyed. I have become rested within, abit anyways. Hence, I made myself a pot of coffee as I didnt even make any for past 1 week. Now its time I could have a good cuppa.

She's less clingy, but I could see that she's happier. I hope it's just simple liver infection, but not liver cancer. I do want her to spend another 5 years with me.......:D

Thanks for your concern or your prayer. :)

Believing

It's been a tough last week, I never took so long and still experiencing the roller coaster hairraising thoughts....Really, usually I could settle down within 3 days, but I only allowed myself 1 day usually. 

This time, it's not as easy, guess it's something very alien to me. I can forsee it will take me 10 times more time to get settled down. But it's a good experience, somehow, I realize, I could untab another side of my brain & heart. It's a good learning experience, I have to say, I mean regardless whatever the outcome is going to be.

And I thought before I was fearless, super cool...nah...I am not at all, really. Super uncool. haha. It's good to know that I am not that perfect or mature and I realize I am still but a child inside. GREAT! It gives me some hope so that I will continue to explore the world, the human nature, the inner core.

However, I believe in human, no matter what, has a hint of kindness within. I remember when I was in early 20's, I wrote something like.....no matter how wicked or evil a person is, they can never win LUV. I used Hitler as an example in my writings. & of coz some serial killers too. I feel, even the world thinks he's evil, I strongly believe at some points he was kind, he did have the hint of goodness in him. I dont believe in 100% good or 100% evil. I am a greyish person anyhow. Of coz he's twisted......yet, I still strongly believe when a killer kills, yes the thrill thrill them, BUT I do believe somewhere somehow there must be a kind voice calling out for them...........of coz they could be deafened by the thrill, the excitement....ummm........

For me, I believe in the people I have 99.9% believe in. If I read that person, I know in my heart that he's what I see. So I still have belief, I have hope, and afterall I live in my fairy tale, believing in goodness of poople, believing in the kindness of humans' heart.

Actually, as I mentioned there was a scam last month, what I didnt tell you is that, I wrote that scammer a thank-you email, for teaching me a lesson. hehe....and I hope he would find the joy in continuing in scamming people, if ie what he likes to do. Didnt think it worths me to yell at him or whatever. He doesnt deserve it, but he teaches me one thing - I should believe in my heart and rationale more.

In conclusion, I find these unsettling feelings have given me something, something more precious that I could imagine at this moment, but I believe, yes I BELIEVE, one day I will reap the harvest of being such a diligent student of the universe. :D

Personality Test

Magically, it's almost 90% accurate except the planning ahead thing. :D

You are a NEGOTIATOR / explorer

You are a big thinker. You easily take the large, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and to think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy theorizing.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you tend to intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you sometimes make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend or colleague. And you like to work to improve the world.

You enjoy new ideas and novel experiences. You are flexible, affable and open to adventure. And you admire impulsive, spontaneous people, despite your tendency to plan ahead.

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. And with your skill as a negotiator, you adeptly bring peace to the chaotic world around you. You are a warm, insightful and often exciting companion.

WAS, and now tears can only cry in the heart

Was reading some msg

Was talking on the phone with a fren

Was drinking some white my fren left behind

Was thinking

Was writing

Was emailing

Was begging shadow to eat

Was trying to feed her medicine, 11 types

Was allowing shadow to be a brat.....she refused to eat, until I begged her

(how I begged her? I told her....hey hey dont worry. Mom will find a way to save u. Next year we will move to another place, where we could run around even more. And pls dont worry about money, mom will know what to do. Just EAT and BE STRONG. I will save U....ok? And..........:( she started eating..........it's so weird)

Coz I promised her I wouldnt cry, I wouldnt then. But truthfully, I just wanted to freaking cry....................

So, here's the song to....replace my tears.........fuck....how can he describe how I feel??!! haha

My schedule tomorrow, wake up at 6 (maybe just dont sleep), feed shadow for an hr......then head to my sis place, put down shadow. Get to the HK express, take a flight to BKK. Meeting. Then next day, back to HK at 11pm, go to sis place, pick up shadow. I have such a fear that she would feel I dump her, leave her alone again. She has become another person (I meant dog).....maybe chinese saying old brat is like a childish kid. She's exactly like that. Maybe she's finally protesting to me, hey mom - it's time I get some nice things, your full attention. All my life, I am patient, all my life I have been there, all my life I am loyal & dedicated to you.......now, it's your turn to FULLY taking care of me, heheheheheh, with shadow cheeky grin. 

But my frens, I am blue. I am....crying inside. :(((((((((((((

Just Some Thoughts About Companion

Just 5 mins ago, I kinda review abit of past month. Things happened. I had sweet dreams & nightmares at the same time in a whole month simultaneously. I appreciate 2 friends comments, which are somewhat very different yet useful at the same time for my state. haha, honestly, now whatever I feel or think is already beyond confusion. I either hope for the mutated universe or just plain god intervention.

C said - just deal with the issues and focuz at the stuff. Dont think what it means.

It's a very wise comment. It's something, yes, I should do!

J said - U cant control how U feel or what U think....just let your mind flow.

It's very true at this moment, esp, when I kinda quiet down, letting my dogs sleep peacefully while watching them. I couldnt help it but drift my thoughts to whoever & whatever.

So, I feel, I have been writing alotta bullshits about relationship, about all the shits, how I dont want a r/p,. bla bla blah. Now, I have a new finding. I cant deny I want a companion. I was always delighted to have my dogs, my frenz like Bruce Wayne, C, J....etc, maybe my msn buddies like Mr Funny or some networking frenz.....they can fulfil most parts of my needs. However, having a companion maybe it's different. Someone who no matter what - despite I am a screwup - will find his ways & means to accept. embrace, adore, and of coz LUV me. And of coz in turn I want to do likewise.

I used to have 3 requirement for a man, I couldnt remember what no.3 was. I just remember today.

1. Luv me

2. Understand me

3. Communicate with me

It's so basic, huh!?!?!? Yet, it's more difficult than it sounds. I feel I found it, but somewhat I lost it......nobody's fault, guess it's life. The reality of life. It's very saddening for me, and I couldnt forsee if I could ever get over it, as after so many years, I found someone that I feel match my criteria. I never care about look, wealth, etc.............

Today I want to add one more to the list as this person has given me that, despite it's short time....

4. Laughter

I hope everyone who reads here finds that companion. Maybe you already have, cherish it, as it's so hard in this world to find that person - indeed a yellow needle in haystack. :)

And I hope I would stop my tears, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as it was so difficult for me to cry last 2 years, while I luv crying - it's so soothing. hahahaa.......I feel my crying hasnt stopped is coz I still feel I lost something so precious to me. It's very 1st time I cried for something I lost. It worths remembering. It worths imprinting inside.

Ummm, now I feel better and becoz of shadow, I have found a new meaning to strive on. Ar, no no, I gotta be fair, it's for shadow & lottie. ^^

Thanks whoever reads here. I luv U all. :D

Staying Positive in front of my dogs

Argh, I was abit negative and sulking the whole afternoon.
Oddly, she was super tired and kinda diming in a way.
So I started speaking very positive and told her I wouldnt cry.
And we would be moving to another apartment next year, where surely can allow dogs, so I could take her out anytime to walk....unlike now to hide her in a bag. And we would be doing stuff when she got well. And I asked her not to worry about the money, I would find a way. And guess what, she suddenly seemed less tired, her eyes were more bright, and she was willing to eat some food (as before, she was vomitting all ther meds & food) and drink water on her own. So I told her she's a gd gal when she licked the food......
Tomorrow, I am going to get some meat, try to see which types she likes, just need to use many ways to enhance her appetite.

OK, I wont cry now.....but stay positive for her. Ummm, all saddness should be gone by now. I had enough and surely she has had enough. So....I am gonna make it. I MUST MUST be able to make it. FOR HER.

My Dogs Dogs

Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.

Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.

Yes I could have options.

1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.

2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.

I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!

Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.

Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.

All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................

How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.

I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.

Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................