Learning from pumpkin biscuits

As I have been trying to make pumpkin biscuits for my dogs as snack - actually couple of times. I can say, I failed 9 out of 10 times to make to the right ones I want. And till today, I still cant make like how my sister's made, as she didnt give me any particular measuring guideline, all I know is pumpkin, flour & oatmeal and the texture I am supposed to achieve - to make it into a dough....!!! umm??!! ok. Well, I dunno how a dough should behave. Honestly. So, I made, my dogs luv....ie fine with me. They seem happy just waiting for me to give them treats, so should I excel in making them?

The answer is......when U make many times, one day U will realize it will become the right dough. Today, within 15 mins, I just simply put in stuff into a bowl, and bake.....(I didnt even know what temperature to use). Maybe I am in good mood today, everything goes perfect. Even the texture of the biscuits is what I want to achieve.

Then made me think......in life, there are many unknowns. People tell you, yes the ingredient is this & that. For e.g. Love. No one has taught us how to, despite we could read in the bible or books about luv. Or we read from somewhere the greatest luv story at all times, and we still dont understand what luv is. 

Luv, shud make one butterfly, pain, sore, happy, tingling, fulfilled, ecstatic, euphoric, excited, expectful, wanting to be better, possessive, acceptance, grace, jealous, no jealous, embracing, sleepless, sleepful, sexual, sensual, sentimental.............the list goes on. And yet, we still dont really know what it is. Then it dawned on me from the pumpkin biscuits.......maybe, just maybe...after some trial & errors in life, we will suddenly click. It doesnt matter if we match each other's definition or beliefs (just like my sis biscuits, to me look so much better than mine, but mine is wonderful too, as I eat them too) or if the world agrees your form of luv or emotion - when it clicks, then it's BAKED. It's DONE. It is becomes It is.

I guess, before, I never really care someone (I meant my ex) would get the best of everything. I care more if I will get the best out of everything. When the time stands still (baking), one day you find there's no so called the best according to the standard, it has no standard - it totally is defined by how you look at the pumpkin biscuits - maybe the shape isnt the best, but to me, it tastes heavenly. Guess, ie what it is - when I could feel heavenly, then it is what it is. It has become Luv.

:) Just a thought.

Sudden Grip of Breathlessness

Time.

Time scares me in sometimes to a point of attacking my lung breathing system.

As I was going through some of my entries, I realized some were written in end July....and I was thinking, what!? I thought I did it last week. Gosh, I feel I have wasted my almost 3 quarters of my year on just....doing nothing but.......doing stuff & pondering stuff. GOSH. GOSHHHHHH! 

OK, I have 4 more months to redeem something - I want some form of measurable achievement. Let me see.

But thou, I made alotta learning about myself, my search, so I really cant say my 2011 is a big waster. Of coz, I still want to wish it could have been better. :P But okok, I am content with so far whatever has happened to me, despite some deep lows. Yet, I feel I am stronger in my mind & heart muscles. I like my life analyst telling me.....I am just going through the darkest hour before DAWN. And ie my way of tidying up my house, first make a mess then....look from above, decide how to categorize, then fix it. Yes I prefer messing up things before making it right, coz I am just abit nuts in this scenario, and this style suits me better. I hope, my dawn is coming soon....and I know SHE will. :)

Have a good weekend, everyone!

The Pain in True Love

My best friend sent me this song.....at first glance I didnt really want to get the meaning. Too melancholic. Yet, somewhat, it's so undyingly true. 

Minako Yoshida - Liberty

※Can you hear the voice of life
Ev'ry moment on your side
Do you hear the voice of life
Listen to the sound of liberty※

Someday you'll see in your life
The pain inside true love
It's like the rain on the day
You were waiting to see your best friend
But don't lose your heart
Keep the lovejust the way it is
Don't be afraid someday you can free
Your heart and love

(※くり返し)

Someday you'll feel in your hands
The power of liberty
It's like a stream at your feet
You never see
Till you're feeling down
Sodon't lose your faith
Take the lovejust the way you like it
Anddon't hesitate

Someday we'll free our soul with love

(※くり返し×2)

U r the most Amazing

Simply, because

I am the most amazing.

So, if U r reading here, yes U r the most amazing

because U know me

I am not a brat, not arrogant

simply it's true

a new thought for today, yes?!

If U want to meet the best

U just have to be the best first

I met the most amazing person

and I think....I finally get it. :)

Life is a flow of river

currents up

currents down

currents rage

currents calm

Just simply, appreciate your day in the  river of amazement.

Huh, who and who??

My ex, Mr A - just told me he's coming back for a wedding in Sept. ummm....it's Mr I & Mr J. Then he went on telling me - well you know both of them. HUH!?!? WHO & WHO??!!!!

Honestly, I couldnt, except Mr J vaguely coz he requested me to help his ex-gf - kinda like a sex education thing. HAHAHHAHAHA............I guessed it's this Mr J as I couldnt recall any other J & J.

Honestly, I always have this. Hey So & So say Hi, or So & So say they know U......ummmm....WHO & WHO?? I am not being arrogant, I just want to state a point - most of the time, despite I do look intelligent, I am very very absent minded & very spaced-out all the time. I usually dont remember the names definitely or boring conversation about jobs or where u r going this vacation.......

So....if I dont remember you, pls dont kill me. Thanks.

Her song will be in my movie

I meant if ever I would have a movie....hehe...

But sadly, she died at such young age....sigh......drugs, money, sex, love.....biggest destructive forces.

1. This must be the song in my movie......if I have one, some day. hehe....or anyhow the background music of my musical book.

2. To know him is to love him

3. What an obscure hairstyle.....BUT I LUV IT!!!

Tears dry on their own

Why men are rapist, not women?

Simple, their persistence to conquer a prey is too high.

Women, when we see prey, we run. hehe.

Men, they see prey, they chase.

Then the prey tells the men, I am sorry, my flesh isnt for you. It's supposed to be offered as your God's sacrifice. IT's SCARED,

Men then say, Plzzzzzz.

The prey says, NO!

The word "NO" is like the most powerful aphrodisiac, 1000 times better than viagra.

Their hormones grow so big that they can swallow the world.

I think ie why some men could become a rapist, simply in simply put as above points.

I kept saying NO NO NO to Mr Linkedin. He doesnt seem he's backing down. I will now attempt ignoring strategy. Yet I hate reading begging emails....shit, what's with man? How hard to get a shag?? Stay away from me!!!

I luv my Bagels

I dont know if I luv bagels or actually cream cheese. The combination is sometimes heavenly. I dont usually like the Big Apple signature stuff...as U know how I feel about Americano, but bagels....dunno, just luv it.

Then while I was waiting for my Bagel, a gal was asking the cafe lady the address & direction, but since she was speaking in cantonese, I thought I was being nice & told her how to tell her fren to arrive at the cafe as that street indeed is abit obscure, sometimes even taxi driver doesnt know exactly the direction. Anyhow, she was ignoring me. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!!!!

I sometimes find we chinese ARE FUCKING BITCHES & ASSHOLES. Shitass, just fucking say a THANK YOU, even you didnt ask for help. I am ONE too, I meant I am chinese too, so I fuck myself as well. What a motherfucking, dadasslicker stuck up bitch.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

OK, well, whenever I see tourists on the street with a map looking around, be in mandarin or english people, I will stop without them asking me - I would ask where you want to go and try to help them as much. One thing why I do this, coz it's very cosmic thing. I have always been asked anyways - even I would be sitting at the end of a bus, the person would walk pass 20 people and just come & ask me. Hence, I thought, maybe I might as well initiate it by asking them than being asked. And I think HK is kinda a hostile place, people are rude if you dont buy stuff from them.....and if I could, a mere being, help to make them feel this city isnt all bad, it would be nice for all sides of karmatic effects, rite? Anyhow, of coz I am collecting good karma as well. But I gotta say when I go travelling, I always meet nice people.......

Anyways, I think that fucking bitch's friend could never get to where she is now. hehehehehehe

ASSHOLE!

Contracts & Today

I have three contracts I have to print & sign & send. Thinking of it drives me nuts. I hate contracts.

Why cant be just be neanderthal - we just High Five then we do what we have to do?!
The problem is, the driving force of signing is low coz it doesnt mean I get money.....shits. haha. I want MONEY, upfront, paid & so I can escape to a small island sipping Mojito.
I have delayed it one day after next, so I will finish it today.
Esp one, I hv to modify it................ARGH, I hate this.

To be frank, I really wanted to be a neanderthal. I always wonder how they lived. Gnawing on raw bloody meat? Smelling the prey from miles away? Not sure if they could read stars or not? Maybe, I assume they got no language but communicated via...telepathy or just plan odor variation. Also I wonder how they had sex, would it be just like animal - doggie style? Did they have missionary style or....karma sudra ways?? hehe....And also, how did they know which entry to ensure offspring propagating the world? Did they feel love for one mate? Or they enjoyed swing parties once in a while? Then, did they have affairs?

Arrr....yes, I assume they should live in a simpler life, they should not have all my questions above. hehe, hence meaning we r being too complicated?

Today, I have a thought. We human actually desire after simplicity but we are at the same time co-existing with stupidity & lack of awareness - hence we created many processes, mechanisms, machines, stuff (to simplify them...) wishfully thinking they can de-complicate our lives. Yet, we become entangled with them......now, year after year, century after century - ie how we are living now. So, can I walk to New Territory instead of MTR, Train & Cab maybe? Not anymore.....I would say R U NUTS?? asking me to walk for hours to NT for freaking what? When we have transportation!?!? It's true.....yet, sometimes simple walking makes me breathe better, seeing the world in different perspectives.

That reminds me - I used to love travelling in a coach. Still do actually. When I was in Melb, I never took any domestic flight, I'd rather take coach. Becoz I could gaze at the Southern Cross surrounded by "milky way" - I dunno to me it's Milky Way....hahaha....just a strange of luvly stars surrounding the cross. It's just amazing. I would forsake sleep during coach (hence immerse silence) and fixated on the cross. It's one of the prettiest Cross one would ever see in their lives.

Ie how I travelled to Ayers Rock (Uluru) twice (24 hrs from Melbourne)- my favorite symbol - the red gigantic rock sitting in the middle of desert! It's really weird, U know. So I always fantasize that it's some kind of UFO. hehe. Maybe ie why Aborigines regard this ROCK as something sacred. The best thing is I luv it changing color during the dawn & dusk - of coz what color it changes depends very much on the humdity of the day -> hence brings me to the next thought.

I luv waterfalls. Becoz I like its thrilling splashing power and looking at it for hours would be my favourite moment. Whenever I went to any national parks, I always made my frens to go to waterfalls with me. I saw one in Laos....yum.....super super beautiful. And then sometimes U could spot rainbows at the end of waterfalls, ie to me one of the most beautiful scenes. Yes, I miss rainbows. HK, I no longer could spot one. When I was a child, I would sometimes see one and I would feel happy, esp - you kinda can apply your science lesson to good use. I remember I specially went to library to borrow a book on Rainbow, then I set up an english group named after Rainbow - explaining to my team coz everytime we learnt something, it's like collecting droplets before you could indeed reflect the "color" you gotta collect the droplets. hehe, I was nuts even when I was a child, I think.


Ai, somehow, whenever I feel abit low, my mind would drift back to the lanes of Melbourne, I would be walking there, but no one would be around me. I luv the chilly air there.....abit gloomy weather I luv. I like so much the woman psychotic weather changes in Melbourne....I always say Melbourne is a woman, coz she is allowed to change moods anytime she likes. And I luv, embrace every part of it......coz Melbourne is very much like me. But I know it changes alot......hence I do have some hesitation if I would go back there again some day. Anyhows.

Have a good week ahead, everyone! I am just bullshitting. ^^

Reckless Days

So, I am freaking needing to write. As I need to stay focuzed and finish my stuff.....so I just blahblah then.

I find some people  really crazy, I meant guyz.

They dont keep in touch with you for....huh? god knows when....so when they come to HK, they buzz u. Ummm.CRAZY!!! We are not that close. Just dislike this kinda "just wanting a shag" thing, hehe.

OK, one of my ex-es. We didnt talk much and he started off by saying "hey baby, give me your phone number and lets meet" - you know what, I didnt reply him as, clearly if he;s slightly smarter, he would find my mobile no on Facebook. Stupid! OK, maybe you would say it's not coz he wanna shag you, just simply for catching up. For me, I prefer using email as a catch up vehicle, so.....meeting up?! In August? It's too hot....I dont want to be sweaty. Though, getting a free splendid dinner from him maybe a good revenge. OK, I hv 2 more days.....haha.

Then, another guy I met via Linkedin. God knows how he was interested to add me, but he did. We chatted and had good conversation but it's borderline flirty. I mean, I like it, I like the emailing flirting. But he's scheduling to come to HK, from June, to Aug, to now Oct.....and in btw we didnt keep in touch for like a couple of months. Going on a date with someone who would lose touch with me?! No Freaking way. I need consistency. 

Id rather have no sex, no shag or whatsowhatever. U know what I mean.

Stupid People.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ignore!

Songs that....U find resonance.

And I have to say somehow Carpenters were pretty good at them! :)

1. Very cute breakup songs.....hehe.

I'll never fall in love again

2. Ummm, sometimes you think by the time you have been sad few times, next time would be easier....actually, to me it's not really true.

It's going to take some time.

3. ummmm, to all my lonely friends.

Only Yesterday

"dawn breaking the night" - hehehehe...........

4. Hush Hush Baby, Hush...I like whispering.....sound with almost no sound

5. 2 versions, both singers are dead though. It's such a sweet song. To my buddies, may you find the love....and buddies who already have found, pls treasure them. Tuck them close tonight, and tell them "I have fallen in love with You again"

Dreamin', I must be dreamin'
Or am I really lying here with you?
Baby, you take me in your arms
And though I'm wide awake,
I know my dream is comin' true

And oh I just fall in love again
Just one touch and then it happens every time
There I go by, just fall in love again and when I do
I can't help myself, I fall in love with you

Magic, it must be magic
The way I hold you when the night just seems to fly
Easy for you to take me to a star
Heaven is that moment when I look into your eyes.

And oh I just fall in love again
Just one touch and then it happens every time
There I go by, just fall in love again and when I do
I can't help myself, I fall in love with you

Can't help myself, I fall in love with you

Today

When I didnt restrict my blog to readers, it means I do hope maybe somehow somewhere people would read. :P I am a vain person, afterall.And I am glad that someone is taking the time to read during his travel maybe. Many thanks. And to my buddies who do sometimes check in, thanks alot too. Some msg r disturbing & bloody, I know, but U know me, I am bloody.

Today, woke up with a crippling failing hearty feeling. No big deal. I will handle it. The best way to handle this is just to ignore, forget and then find something to focuz on. Life is too long for nonsense. Or too short for too much sorrow.

I hope everyone who reads here will have a great Monday, though usually it's a bluey Monday. I know. But well. Then, keep being blue for a day, and then live the next 6 days. :)

XOXO

First Love

I posed here before, I am so boring, I KNOW I KNOW.

I cant help it. I dun even know how to identify what first love is, as I actually dont remember a thing, even....:P...the one happened few months back. I could only say I got a topnothced clearing system & regeneration mechanism.

But that's different for my imaginary lover since maybe 12 yo. He appeared in my dream. Real Dream.

hehe. "shy"

I still remember him very well, as it has been my benchmark as I could only remember his gazes. (OK the dream was very scientific, not the wishy washy dream though.....^^)

Someone brought back the memory. It's quite....enchanting.

So, I am listening to this song. The lyrics is bittersweet, but isnt how love is at times? :)

Ummmm, now I have the itch again to sing K, I hv been talking about going to K, but never got around to do it. Ai....I cant practise my Karaoke Queen Crown.....:(

Anyhows....

Enjoy!

First Love by Danny Chan

Once upon a dream
When this old world isn't what it seems
My love and I lived inside a smile
The time was nigh
We broke down and we cried
Refriending dragonflies
Lullabyes and funny little rides
We'd spend the night time
Counting countless stars
Choking on our stolen first cigar.
There is no reason , no rhyme
No need of keeping track of time
A life just passing and life just beginning
First love ensnared my mind
Wonderland was waiting
Butterflies went fluttering by
We wore our raincoats standing in the sun
One by one
Good time had just begun
Quite lost in a trance
My love and I lost in loving dance
Turning around and turning again
Never knowing it had to end
There is no future no past
Your first love won't be your last
First love don't last oh no it won't last
But it's worthwhile remembering when

Mind is my biggest enemy

I got a msg from Mr Writer, he asked me about the question I asked some 20+ years ago after watching this movie - Rickshaw Boy by Lao She - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rickshaw_Boy ; of coz I read the book too maybe 10+ odd years ago.

As I am reading the "description" from wiki -

Further, the book explores personality characteristics and their relationship to economic existence, especially tolerance for risk, tolerance for hard work, and assertiveness, and personal standards of human dignity. "He had a strong body, a patient disposition, ambition, yet he allowed people to treat him like a pig or a dog and he couldn't keep a job." ^[1]:48

Isolation and individualism are important themes in the book. "His life might well be ruined by his own hands but he wasn't about to sacrifice anything for anybody. He who works for himself knows how to destroy himself. These are the two starting points of Individualism."

Hehe, I cant believe as I revisited this.....it somehow unknowingly actually stems such a heavy copy in my head for so long..........The words would be "allow" & "destroy".

Anyways....interesting.

I think, maybe Mr Writer is troubled by my conflicts, coz they are abit....ummm....like psychological?! I think it's interesting how he described me as a scarlet maple leaf passing through the ebbs, mountain streams, tumbled down to the swirl of waterfalls. Once, when I was younger, different pple using..."rocket" or "pendulum" to label me too. Ummmm, I dunno how to answer his questions, as yet. But rest assured, I will give you a full report. :) Two citations given, which I find...ummm......hehe, disturbing to my mind, here U go:

'Clarity of mind means clarity of passion too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves'  Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662) Mathematician and Philosopher

'The mind acts like an enemy for those who don't control it'  Bhagarad Gita (5th Century BC) Ancient Hindu Text

Frankly - I am 50% agreeing about the quote. I think I havnt for surely achieving the clarity of mind. And I am actually quite happy my mind being my enemy. Rgd the question - what's the purpose of life? hehe, I dunno. I stop asking this long time ago, but more.....I want to know what my dream really is and to be more greedy, what my dreams really ARE. I think.....the purpose is simple, is to live. How we live, depends on what our dreams actually are.

Thank you Mr Writer. :)
I never utter it out my thoughts on such, but now, I feel more driven, geared.....or more clarified?! :)

My strip dream

Woke up today, unusually early for a Sunday.

I remembered traces of my dream.

When I opened my eyes, I thought of 2 messages.

OK, how the dream went. Basically, I think I was trying to find projects for my work. So I went around, but also not in a desperate mood, more like networking kind. So I stumbled on the previous "people" - and we chatted alittle bit, and realized that the owner had taken on another team - which I thought to myself, hoho, good luck, she has no direction. But when I saw their info, it was actually pretty OK, so inside of me.....I was happy for them finally they were doing something right. Then duh duh duh....cant recall, there was some eating involved with some resturants etc....anyhows. 

- I think this part of the dream is saying, I will keep searching and wont give up. I dunno. hehe.

Next was, it showed my fearless side or just plain exhibitionist style. :P

I think I was asked to enter some project or contest, I got no clue what was prior to this. But someone asked me to take off my clothes, topless. And on the right side was some casual people - males, behind me on the left was another bunch - females. These 2 groups were not in the "committee", more like passerby. Honestly, if they didnt talk, I wouldnt notice they existed (very much my personality - many times I didnt know some people exist). 

And so I took off my top and then my bra (hehe), like nobody business. Then behind me, the female gang started talking - Oh, how could she do that? The guyz are here. I then just ignored them basically, and thought to myself - if they see they see. It's no big deal being topless. hehehehe.........(HAHAHAHHA)

- This also reflects my personality, how much indeed I dont really care what people think. Honestly speaking, this is a lie, everyone does care what other pple think or say about them, but to me, I already work through 80% of it....so now I could boldly say, I dont really care what other people talk about me.

Interesting dream for me. ummm. :)

Pursue + Fearless. Lethal Combination!

I met my terminator

When I was studying in Meb, I knew I was a terminator.

haha. Not in the bionic sense, of coz not.

but I trained myself to have a computer screen in front of me.

Why? yes thanks to my roomate.

She asked me (before I even saw the movie) what I saw in my mind Sarah Conner would be driving in the desert, I said RED. I didnt see the movie, and unto this date I got no freaking clue why she asked.

Since then I adpoted to terminator screen test/examination

I felt traumatised. I never told anyone.

But now I told someone so maybe I could say it now/

I felt traumatized.

I couldnt breathe constantly. I felt suffocated constantly.

I felt like vomitting every second.

OK. so I cut it off. Becoz it's too horrible to know, to understand

If U think I am good at knowing now, U should have met me almost 15 yrs ago.

I was....horrible....I just knew.

So I now

I met my terminator

he said to me "he will be back"

hahahhaa...so cliche, yes??

Yes very. But this is how it is.

Maybe it's tomorrow

Maybe it's next week.

Maybe it's next year.

Or maybe it's next life.

But, it's wonderful for a person, actually, to meet his/her own terminator

as at least from the movie, it's saga

it means the terminator will indeed, surely come back

In thoughts

or in forms

it doesnt matter anymore

as I met mine in the most unusal way

in the most enchanting way

in the most deadly way

Thanks Terminator. hehe