after years...

After years of waiting for this 21Dec2012, suddenly I feel I have no feeling about it. How strange a human mind works....maybe it's time for honesty, time for reflection, regardless it's ending or just spiritual awakening or just simply stay earth!

I did, I think I came to a conclusion. I wanted to hear truth. I heard and I hurt. It's fine...it will heal, if the world doesnt end, and it will pass if the world does end. I think all I want to do is hug my dogs tmr, if the world is or isnt going to end....afterall, they are the ones who stay warm with me and are willing to do anything just to make me smile....though mostly I do everything to make them happy. But I am just a human....

I am just a human, I could only handle disappointment, expecting this much, and can only give, offer love that much.

So, I assume I am ending here and will say hello back the world doesnt end. Lastly I hope everyone has some form of enlightenment, being happy....it's Xmas....nothing about spiritual but about sharing.....

A refresh review

Hi My Fiends, indeed, indeed, it's been way too long....my work has been giving me alotta no space. no time. It's HK...yes, cosmopolitan city....a city with high competition. Actually, to most HK people, they dont see mainland chinese intellectual to be our competitors, but to me, they are my number 1 competitor, meaning they could take over my job easily if they are just twice as smart as me, and believe me....with 1.4 Billion of pple as backup, people who have much more intelligence, integrity, ability, capacity, capability....are MANY MANY!! 

I have said...even when I was on my own, making peanuts yearly for 3 years....I said to my frenz, one day as U realize why U got no job, U wud blame on society or bad boss or bad luck...and as U look at me, how come this cageless birdie is still thriving.....U will then remember what I said, coz.....U only look at now, not taking my words into heart! Hence, U will lose, though I may not win it all, but at least I wont fall.

OK, sorry, my narcissistic behaviour is kinda oozing outta the cocoon again. Well, I have some reflection I want to share. I met this guy 2 years ago, during my most pathetic poor state...as I still recalled, he said to me, I am the smartest most confident person he has ever met in his life. Despite, frankly, he saw many of my inferior side or no confidence side.....just yesterday, he re-mentioned again. And I have to say...this time, I have some slight interpretation I want to talk about.

Confidence isnt my main suit....I have never ever had confidence in my life since birth. As I think I analysed my childhood couples of times here.....I had my share of confidence depleting society and family around me....frankly, I envisioned to be an astronaut, or something equivalent to Einstein. But how come people say I am a confident person?? I could never understand myself, but somehow....I think I have an alternate brain compared to others. Definitely I am a well-above average intelligent person, but one thing I stand out from the crowd is that, I see the world differently than most pple. I never follow the norm opinion not becoz they are wrong, but becoz the world doesnt construct from a singular timeline...from my perspective....people, humans, shud always look things not at focal point (the perceived focal point anyways), but rather....the bigger line of the event. And also, I think I rarely jump into conclusion (though lately my busy worklife has made me jumped too much conclusion maybe about pple or events....)....about anythig, so people perceived me as slow....haha

So m,y fabulous side is....I dont really care if pple think I am slow or fast. OK, people wud stop me and say, only confident person can say such and such as above. No, I dont think so, but rather I think I am a very fair and just person. OK, why do we have to give praise to others if they do good, and we can be stingy on my good deeds? If I cant be fair to myself, how can I be fair to others. So....I can then conclude, if U r those who dont see your good deeds but could only make a point (MAKE A POINT) to praise other good deeds, then definitely, U r kinda a hypocrite.....anyways, hope you can follow what I am saying!!!

So to conclude, I am not a confident person, but I am a honest analyst of personality including myself.

OK, today, I met with my life analyst.....I know it's going to be a good year for me next year, and so he confirms. And the points he makes me take heed...I will, as somewhat if the universe gives him a message to pass to me, to remind me, I dont see any harm not to take care about, esp abt my success, abt my life & health. I am excited for next year, and definitely for the 3rd time, he reminded me I should write a book, despite my ideas may not be useful for this gen, very likely it cud be for next gen....:P, OK....I will, and I should....do that!!!

Just, I need a computer..........................hahahahaha

So how's everyone? I hope U r excited to the date of end of the world approaching. Somehow....the peace of this last week is kinda strange. Maybe somewhat I already cut myself out of this worldly system...yet, I am excited about the 21st Dec, wud it be.....just simply enlightenment? Or just.......simply change of North & South Pole, with My Milky Way coming closer than ever?

Anyhows, lets re-chat when this day finally arrives. While, in btw, love your love, and hate ur hate all the way................for this final date!

why I am so different....?

I hv been thinking....at times, I want to change people, make them smarter, make them more aware & alert.....yet, lately I thought, maybe their intelligent level is quite bad....hahahaha....I always think pple r stupider, or I see pple bad points by impression like terminator with a screen in front of me...

But after scanning the bads, I try to just view the goods....coz I am extreme person, I see the best bad, and the best good. Anyhows........

I come to a final conclusion.....it is indeed genetic. I never want to believe it's gene-related, I would prefer a non-predestined notion towards life...so it gives us, human, a purpose to strive, to be better, to excel, to learn from ground up, to be humble, to be arrogant, to be kind and at the same time to be assholes & bitches. But....I possess all the above points - yet, most pple on this earth is just indeed a mediocre, ordinary, coming from a common pool of genome. I wish...no...I dreamt, I had such a dream when I was in teens before all the matrix movies stuff....I dreamt of re-cycling useless human beings, I saw a leader and I was one of the team leader (as I was standing in front of the line). Anyhow, I feel puzzled...at times.....why I am so island from others? I know where they are stupid at, and I wonder at times....if I am indeed that smart, or I indeed have such high level of awareness or I dont live on this earth, at least my conscience.....

Not sure if I make sense, but.....I think.....I finally gradually accept, I am indeed very different, isolated being from the rest....

It's been a while.....

My mood & energy level have been really ups & downs as my work has taken toll on me badly. But in the midst of it, my brain was functioning, yet, I got no momentum to write or share. In the light of pre-weekend, I would like to write something, and I do hope, maybe some of you, who do check on me at times.....whatever I am going to say, well, I got no idea what I am going to say....would give u a smile or some lightning in your psyche.

First, I want to talk about HK. HK has been rioting about an education implementation - I assume it's rgd implementing national (china) education within our system. I dont have much problem with it.....but somehow most HK pple are afraid it's going to brainwash their kids. My question to them is......have they already been brainwashed!? Have they even taken the time to read the kids books nowadays? I dont understand why it's a problem....with the advancement of internet....no one is blocking us to compare notes. Though, I also wonder the standard of teachers nowadays......it depends how they educate the material. E.g. Japan wud teach the nationals (correct me if I am wrong) - Japan didnt commit bad mistakes during world war 2, etc.....(sorry, I am bad with history) - yet, I dont see most japanese deny it but it's just taboo to talk about it.

I actually support instilling some national education in us.....we sometimes dont even know who we are....the mockery is that they say " we are Honkie, We are not chinese", this kinda broadcast is worst than denial in history. We have no identity for so many decades, so we are lost. We are more so lost......it's fine to stand up against a system, a govt, I believe, but to deny one's identity - making the battle we fight shrink down to nothingness.

I feel fearful for our gen - 1. we have no identity, 2. we dont have wisdom & experience to govern even a company...at times.....I hvnt met many...I met maybe a handful wise people in HK, however, when I was working in china for just 1 year, at least, I met couple of very intelligent, wise, kind local chinese. I was deeply impressed......and vice versa, I know they were deeply impressed by me, as frankly - most chinese in mainland know what HK pple are made of.

Anyhows, whatever they have been doing lately, to me, it's just Rah Rah. We have become a Rah Rah city....what a shame, a rah rah city with no identity.....no wonder, somewhat I feel we are a pseudo sin city.......I hope I am an artist, so I could paint my image of HK on a canvas.

OK, talk abit about myself. Yes work.....tiring, crazy, squeezeful, stressful, making me breathless at times, and I can say, I have given my life to this company just for a decent salary. This is how we live....sadly....in a cosmopolitan city. But I know myself well, the notion is....if I can hide in a quiet village, having butterflies flying around me, hearing birds singing in the morning, sitting next to the little pond sipping coffee or just jumping into the sea, which is 5 steps from my home - yup seems supberb and heaven;y but I am a city gal....so this is my life and I am not going to complain about it.

And so.....what I feel excited about lately. First, re-decorating my home by buying some vintage CHANEL cut-out from old magazines from the States, I am going to mount them. yes, including my fren's kid & sis kids pictures....I am going to mount them. And then, I removed my sofa, donating to a church grp which would send off all the used furniture to kids in Africa....in replacement, I am going to make an arabic corner.....stuff like that takes time to collect and assemble, but these already male my days filled w excitement and imagination. 

While, I have always dedicated to change the world by my little way, esp when pple are rah rah outside, I feel - unlike what they yell nowadays - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR CITY!?!? I would like to ask them silently - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOURSELF AND PEOPLE AROUND YOU!? It's just a MLM (multi-level marketing) concept, if U change 1 person, in term U can change another 3. It's just a math.....HK people just want to change everything overnight, yet, we dont have the inner temperament to do so....wisdom, endurance....so, as for me, I am going to keep being myself. Changing world in my most effective way - people around me. Instill them the right attitude towards looking at one thing.....

I always like Bruce Wayne.....my dark knight.....non pretensious, dark, hv his own means & ways.......to change whatever he can.....accept & learn to know something is beyond him....just love Chris Nolan's depiction of Dark Knight.

Having all these BS, I come to think....it's great HK now has division, 2 groups...it's wonderful actually. One side is like me.....finding them stupid, the other side finds us ignorance indifference.....hehe, how one grows is by pruning, by arguing (internally or externally), by hving fever (so U can grow tall).............

Enough said, I think I am going to get a lomo camera....I want to capture the pseudo Sin city soon.:)

Have a great weekend.

Books I am exploring on.....

1. A game of Thrones

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Game_of_Thrones

2. Shadow of the Silk Road

http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Silk-Road-Colin-Thubron/dp/0701173637

3. The Doors of Perception

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Doors_of_Perception

4. The Black Book

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Black_Book_%281993_novel%29

Can see my genre pretty messy, it speaks of mind....

I am hving 4 books ard me, lets not even forget a chinese book and then Steve Jobs Biography. Guess, if someone asks me, why I still have time for them....I could only say coz U r important! 

Have a great week ahead, though depressively I have been hving bad days, but I am cool....just part of life stage.

cultural attack

I have become a boring person

looking from my blog you could tell

of coz, very much affected by work and lovelife, past 1 year

so I have become so damn boring until I dont want to look at my own mirror

and hate looking at myself through pple eyes

I need a cultural attack

something so different with a hint of danger to shock me back to life

I am thinking, how to go a cheapest way to silk road, just few really unheard of cities with a 1-2 major city sites. Just go there, look at diff faces, diff languages,.....so I could have the serenity to look atmy life

I am even hoping to meet some voodoo witches or whatever

give me some potions, so I could get the toxins outta my system

hallucinate abit

and then, wake up from this matrix

I hv been talking about this shocking me back to life so much, yet.....I hvnt done so, due to lazyness, due to attachment, due to committment. Once upon a time, I never allow myself to have some sorts of overbearing committment....now, seems, I got more than ever.

It seems I may hv more russians readers here, or

as some suggested, pple may just use vpn, by pass blah......through my blog

anyways, if U r russian and like my stuff, feel free to contact me

maybe I will take the trans-siberian train to have a visit....

hoho, anyways

my idea at this moment is...depending which way is cheaper

HK - China - Urumiqi, XinJiang, Dunhuang, Kashgar...maybe Hotan

or HK - Israel - Jordan

:D

I luv to think or dream about routes, that already makes my day.

I refuse and I protest

I refuse to believe there's no.....

I believe in Eternity of consistency, of insistency

I believe in full, fullness of love and joy

I protest and protest

coz we wud be changed and so etc this and duh and that

we dont know the true self

we want to false self

at times I feel so discouraged by us, human kinds

we r so bad, so horrible, so asshole, so unloving, 

but if I do believe in such

my fairy tale cant live on

I am a fairy tale gal

and I will never change

those who ask me even beg me not to change

u r the ones who have change

I wont allow any tears, heartbreaks, sadness, depression to change my belief in the eternity of good and love

So I profess again

I am a fairy tale gal

who lives in her own fairyland

and she is her own princess in her own kingdom

she wont care if u mock or laugh

as she cant hear it anyways

if u r one, live there with me

lets be fairy in the fair fairy fairyland

Maybe, just Maybe

I am a genius but I am trapped in this earth

Maaybe just maybe

I am in love but I am trapped in this mind

Maybe just maybe

I am indeed an ET but I am trapped as a worker bee

Maybe just maybe

I am very happy but I am in a shallow depression

What's shallow depression?

I cant explain it very well with words, I feel

but it's kind of depression oozing outta nothingness

discontent with things, people, stuff, myself

but cant really name what that is

Maybe just maybe 

I just want to live it real but we are all trapped in this matrix

Maybe just maybe

I could be awake at the end, but I am in NOW

Why people always say Now or Present?

What it means, in terms of time?

in terms of eternity?

How come I cant live in the past, now, and at same time future?

I also dont understand why people say dont expect too much from life, from people from things?

I dont buy it, why is meaning of life if there's no expectation of life.

\

MAaybe just maybe

We all want to live in heaven but collectively we allow ourselves to be trapped in hell?

Maybe just maybe also

U say I am contradicting myself, but it's you who are trapped in me....

suffocated by dust

http://www.voanews.com/content/hong-kong-endures-worst-smog-in-two-years/1454167.html

I did an interview....:P

it's sop

The very logical Mr Smith

I asked Mr Smith, do you have fears, worries? I mean - coz Mr Smith is a very logical person who totally goes against the belief in God/Gods existence. And then I asked, Mr Smith, have you ever crazily in love?

He replied, yes, I do have fear, and I have been in Love.

He went on saying - Black hole isnt actually black and the universe is expanding. There's at least one black hole in each galaxy....

 

Me, caged with no legs, aint no physic people, ok!? but....I think black hole could be our energy source. In the past, we believe it sucked everything in, actually - I dont think we could use our 3D mind to understand this.......it actually expands our universe in very fast pace. Frankly....my train of thoughts isnt very good, as I hvnt read much enough rgd Quantum.....

Anyways, back to Mr Smith. So Mr Smith - you like cats, U hv been in love, U actually have fears, but U dont believe in God, U think fringe or XFiles are for juvenille, and U believe all things could be explained by Physics, yet.....also, U dont believe in Souls. Are you abit too contradicting yourself? (even though it doesnt sound he is....hehe, more I am).

However, I believe all things could be xplained by physics but how says physics have to be just E=MC2? If the talk about soul, ghosts, etc.....are made up due to just simply created in the Image of Humans? God was created in the Image of Humans. It's enchanting thought......and becoz

I so believe, as he puts it.....we dont know anything as the basis....so for him, we can answer everything with physics while for me I think since we dont know anything, so it's better not to put emphasis on one truth, but while open enough to accept opposite to the truth you so hold tight to and.....afterall,humans r poor translator.

Interestingly, he's fanatic about movies, just within this year, he watched 200+ movies, I am wondering......how could someone so absorb in such fantasy world be so dogmatic about "gods & beliefs".....it wouldnt be dreamy, exciting, floating, magical while watching a movie when one is that rationally logical.....

Meaning of Life

I started thinking about this since 16....and lately, as I am drowning in work, yes I am working on Sun.....too, should finish at 2am today.....I feel really melancholic. I am making deciison, small or big based on no facts at times, and it's making me very stressed and tired. Despite, I always like to make decision.....I feel I am drowning.

Then I feel alone, I feel guilty. Esp to my dogs, I dont spend time with them, I didnt have water so they were thirsty for a while....I went to buy water, and it started raining......

Just a bit exhausted. While, running around for someone, he came back with words that made me more moody.....the thing is I didnt even do my own things, piles of laundries hvnt done.....at times, U just want a simple thank with a sympathetic look, or maybe grab me a nice dinner...etc

So I am regrouping hopefully, if I have the ability. I am tired........

I need to make a call now, hope my life analyst would give me mindblowing insights....as I feel tired......

I am crying

I dont know how to stop it

cant stop my tears....I want to keep crying until no more tears.....

it should be good for me.....

can someone call me and sing a song to me?? haha.....

Revolution

Finding ways to evolve is tough

Finding means to "revolutionize" is even tougher

I think, or same degree, I cant pinout anything nowadays as sharp as I could

life, work, love, friendship......are making things tougher to think internally

I really need to think internally asap

I need to re-start my process.....I think life gives you at times, some bitter tasting fruit is to yick you out to move ur ass....to walk ahead.....to find ways, paths, means to grow sthg sweet or even more bittersweet tasting fruits......

so I am IN for revolution......

Dream with 5 men.....

Kinda like a nightmare but it's quite interesting on some parts

First part, I was hving a sexual experiement with this man, who actually was making a clone of me, trying to replicate my few different spots, specially 3 spots......I could see in a chamber with another me (no face) but a body, reacting to same stimuli as mine....weird.....

But his family arrived home and so I left

Then I got home, it's kinda like a big mansion, but I kept my 2 dogs in a room, I went to open it......

And then I realize I had a gigantic balcony......kinda like a palace.....and yet I could see some winding stairs case above me, with a pool and restuarant

People sitting there could see me sleep, I was shocked to this idea....as I thought to myself in my dream, damn, I always walked ard and slept naked.

Next, I felt unsafe so I was trying to go out. Suddenly a long shinny blade cut across the air in front of me.......it's like samari sword, blade...dunno, I just knew it's v long, carried by a fat man. He said to me, dont go.......U r spied by 3 men living above. They are going to come down and hurt you anytime they knew they could......so I went back in............

Starting to jump around, so as to make noise that...to signal them I am with companies, etc....

it's actually 3 arabic guyz.

Funny enough....I was told I was haunted by 3 men for years in real life....damn,,,,,,errie......

Summer.......is tiring me out

I always hate summer......it's sticky, sweaty,....rain.sun

i belong to vampire world, dark and breezy

didnt write for a while, I think

my mood has been stale

no nothing, somewhat........

work is crazy, as usual

I had few days off but I took sickie today

as I just want to escape

from reality

It's terrible, I know

but I just need to escape.....once in a while

I guess, this trip I didnt go by myself

I went with a fren

it suffocated me

now I started to understand

I cant indeed go on trip with anyone, if we sleep in same room

 

I will need days to recover this effect

I dun mean I would feel this with my bf or something

coz with a bf, I can be myself

I can tell him I want to go to this shopping mall or do massage......while U sit in the pool checking out hotties in tiny bikinis

I now could un....I am no woman's frenz....

I cant be.....

it's too much for me.....

I dont mind taking care of people, but I dont like at same time

when....I just want to sit in the hotel room doing nothing daydreaming

to me, that's rest, that's vacation

 

shopping in bangkok of coz is wonderful

but I just realize I didnt actual;ly buy anything....substantial

except....a pc, a blanket, very very cheap, hand knitted by peasants......

 

what the fuck wrong is my problem???? Am I such loner or self absorbed bitch?
guess I am both
and guess I am destined to be alone......shits...
how daunting is this notion!?!?!

My morning dew

My Morning Dew

each time when you speak

I feel mersmerized

we never speak same language

just like the heat radiate from the rising dawn condensed the humidity around the dark green leaves

strangely condensed that very droplet of what we call dew.....

My Morning Dew

every time when you gaze at me

I feel magnified

every flaw every goodness i have, become larger than life, become the best of life

Every day as we roam, we stroll around the streets, streets with herbal smell and cockroaches

haha....we laugh, smile and gaze

what is it about gazing? Isnt what all love stories, love movies that describe the one-fy feeling?

And it's strange, I dont usually gaze

i either stare or just not look

But My Morning Dew

somehow you are like the Koala bear that the tree cant help but gaze at

the trees grow stronger with your beary hugs

My Morning Dew

if you were indeed Don Juan, I would have turned away, as he's nothing

he has no intelligence

he has no real words to

compare with what you have

if I may, I would jump to the next train

and ride to the end of the world

just to see the glimpse of the shinning sun reflecting from the corner of your lips

If I may, I would fly to Mars and look back

and just to admire the light reflecting from the edge of your eyes

If I may, I would let my soul be flown across the universe, bypassing my Milky Way

tiptoeing at the probably gaseous Orion

just to sniff off all your scent

2nd anniversary

Hi there......

WOW.............it's 2nd year of this blog. I remembered I started in 2010 June, sometime before my bday then. And.....it's been more than 600 pc.....pat on my shoulder....good going gal, I wud say.

And thanks for checking up on me.....even I know you or not. 

Thanks....:)

Alternate Self

I have been having dreams. Dreams that are clearly taken me to another plane and planes. It's like I am still here, lets say HK, but it's on another plane of HK. I saw similar people but some I dont really know. I think I asked for it, coz I got so angry I didnt hv much dreams or even much thoughts, so the universe started opening my sub-alternate conscience.

Here I go jump to another possibility. it was speculated that towards 2012 dec, we wud be spiritually awaken or just simply the world gone wild or dead......so wud it be it? I hope so....I am dying for some spiritual awakening. My work has taken toll on me, big time. I am back to work now and work......

Arrrr, back to work, talk later. HAVE A GOOD SUNDAY. HK IS RAINING DOGSHITS!

American Pie

I knew I watched it, but I could only remember the dude fucking poked his fingers into the yes "pie" trying to SENSE it's PUSSY. gosh....if women pussy cud be that wet with that stupid fingers, he spots on! Just a random watching movies to continue my zombie or zombot living.

Luv this song. It speaks me.....hahahaha, whatever way u mean.

i hv been drinking white at home, so I am abit hazy.....laters. all. have a gd week ahead.

At times I have become a zombie

I have been so busy that somewhat I have turned into a zombie, a zombie who doesnt know what she eats, where she sleeps...............working is zombie-like too, continuously tackling pbs....I dont even remember where I talk to a real person for real, yes hence not much update here. Not that I dont see people, I see.....but I feel it's not me talking. I know reasons, apart from busy, it's my metamorphosis state......I was shattered somehow sometime ago, I think I am finding a cocoon to hide myself or I am trying to numb myself from something, maybe pain, maybe reality......this is my process....I numb, I numb.....days after days, weeks after weeks....then gradually, I become cold....I like to be cold as it's the best mechanism.....think abt it, die in cold or die in heat better? I also cant say, I am afraid of both actually.....but I hv thought about it lately. Dying in fire must be too pain but usually may last 5-10 mins? Cold cud be longer....rite? The chilling pain isnt something we are accustomed to. Anyways, I am afraid of such pains and death.

So, I must start....yes the other blog, which I have delayed again and again. My excuses? Too busy? Too tired? Actually....the real reason is my yhome is in a mess and I need another computer. hahahahaha.........or tab. Yes I got no ipad, no tab......I have delayed getting it, somehow even I know I will need one, as I need to have sthg next to me continuously for me to pick up my ass to work. But, nowadays, apart from my work, I just got my bed and TV. I hate it all.

And every morning when I leave home and back to the office like now, I feel melancholic, as I realised I didnt look at my darling dog eyes alot lately. I didnt even play w her. I just feed her. Oh yes, this reminds me I need to buy them food.......arghhhh.......

Anyways, yes I am moody. Sorry....it's gonna be for a while again. It doesnt seem I am outta the wood. ever.

Being in Love

Nothing beats being in love.....coz it's filled with all ingredients I love. So intensely.

Sexing, Feeling, Talking, Looking, Adoring, Kissing, Texting, Sexting, PornoSnap-ing, Nudity-ing,..........Smiling, Laughing, Crying, even Pain-ing.

But........it doesnt have to be with a man only. When I look at my dog, Lottie, everyday, I fall in love with her again and again.......her huge eyes parked with her ugly face, the whole thing is just one word - ADORABLE.

Guess, everything is a net. Never put all fish in one net. Even love.....love vicariously to...if possible, as many people as possible, and as vast field as possible. Sorry, I am not a single devoted person. I always need some form of distraction. Though......I dont want others to do it on me.

So, yes I am an assy bitch. But today, maybe there's sun.....I feel in love. so much in luv.

Jealousy....

.............................:(

2 colleagues are leaving so I am sad.

Not becoz I know them very well, actually I dont really know them at all, except few occasions of chats (few words exchange) when we cross passed the toilet loading.....hehe....here is weird, people dont really know each other. it's basically a silent hell.

Anyways, but it's some form of silent heaven for me!

Yet, I am filled with jealousy, coz they are embarking a new life.......:( I want new life. I want to travel. I need it.....I want I want, so I am jealousssssssssssss...........filled. U could even smell my jealousy from 11 floor up or 6 floor down, ok...I am on 6/F.

So yes I am talking like a brat....but I am I am I am jealous. 

:D

Quotation 4

From http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1797472621683255652#editor/target=post;postID=4611860139199897278

Lets continue on........below were updated on my FB when I was under influence of alcohol....:P

1. I luv coz I so luv!
I hate coz I so hate!
Luv is nothing without some form hatred!
Hatred is nothing without some form of luv!

2. Diffusing pain is oozing!
The oozing luv is fleeting!
The fleeting momentum is shitening!

3.  There's no meaning in waiting!
There's also no meaning in longing!
There's only meaning in doing so nothing!

Lastly, something not from me....but by an unknown writer:

There's always -
a little truth behind every " JUST KIDDING"
a little knowledge behind every "I DONT KNOW"
a little emotion behind every "I DONT CARE"
a little pain behind every "IT's OK"

Continue to inspire and quote even bs  and lets pollute the world with our words and minds. haha. Cheerio.......

My alternate universe

I am quite sure....in my alternate universe, I must be a scientist. I always came up something quite scientifically and logically.....yes I had another dream. But not gonna talk about it.....as it's abit crazy, cudnt be explained w words here.

I had a great week, went to an Artistic in Silence (i think it's the event's name), and got to know this group of people from Kiosk, and I will check their website later. It's a HK lifestyle website, and I want to support all the creative happenings from HK.

Having said that, I have been too tied down with work and the facelifts of hk, hasnt been set up yet entirely and surely update you guyz once it's live. Though, I think for public, it would be live by end June......:)

Nothing crazy or intelligent to talk about but I think I do have quotations I want to share here in next entry.

ARGJHJHHHHH

I tried to keep one entry a week....since all time here....but in 2012, I missed 2 weeks....last week was one, which I didnt realize, I am abit upset. Coz it should be a routine for me. but indeed last week was so busy that I didnt even have a thought of any kind. Anyways, I now just hope May to be gone asap and awaiting for June to be on my side.

HAVE A GREAT LAST 2 WEEKS OF MAY 2012......

A weekend in Pain

Past 2-3 weeks I have been working nonstop and it's gonna be the same next 2 weeks. My neck and my back muscles have screwed up really badly. I was planning to go to work today....yes little do most people know, I could be a holic, workaholic is one at times.

amble rest could indeed ease some pain but.....i think for me, I need a real holiday. 

Nothing much to say for these few days, as I am busy drafting a multi-author, multi-lingual blog....I hope something could get on-live by early June.

And as U all know, I am a TV holic too, and the summer season is coming to end, some shows are ending too, e.g. desperate housewives. I cant say I like the scripts/plots of this show but somehow they always end with a thought provoking comment about humanity. And it's very nice, coz it's a good reflection, no matter how cliche it is at times. Just like today....as I was watching the last episodes of it, there are many that pop up.....and I would like to share them here.

1. "Remember, how much you wanted to be loved and how much you are loved now"

2. When Renee as usual.....crazy, bitch and got pissed as her wedding dress was ruined, etc....she was yelling at her husband to be, Ben not to say a word ot comment how later, how hideous she looked etc, Ben just said he never saw more a beautiful woman in his life. Of she broke down w melting tears.....ie how a woman needs. Women r idiots. Including me. :)

I guess, I will end it with, remember how much you wanted to succeed, and how much success with toil you are in, give thanks to what you have.....or remember how much you wanted to be free and how much freedom you have now.......for those, never have something they really want, try to want something SSSS......coz you will be surprised, humans r so petty, so forgetful. We at times how much at one time we wanted something so much....when we have it, we could take it so for granted. And.....prepare urself for wanting something, as when u most want it, it will be on ur plate, yet......also prepare to prepare ur heart to give thanks to what U want, coz it's important to have gratitude.....most of us dont get it. :)

Facelift of Hong Kong

Even though I kinda live in the middle of HK,\ - in terms of buzz and fuzz. I rarely know what's happening around here.....for e.g., I lost my Times SQ cinema, until much later, then floods of unknown mainland chinese standing on the street - NOT SHOPPING....what the heck they are doing there!? Today, I walked past causewaybay and I could feel HK is changing too fast, this time it's too fast! In the past, we kept changing coz we want to be more cosmopolitan, more international.....now everything is changing for the rich mainland....frankly it's perfectly fine, for the group of 30's to 40's....we got a glimpse of old HK, and we got a glimpse of pre 97 HK, and got a glimpse of post 97......and we are still striving. I feel we musthave something to say!!!

So I am going to start another blog and will invite few of my frenz, be it hk local, or whatever....as long as U want to pen down ur views towards the changing of HK, be it chinese, japanese, english or arabic, I welcome you. Of coz, U need to at least contribute at least 3 articles....

tick tick tic k......lemm think think. I want to save the memory we once had.....and still have....and we can pass them on to the post 80's or post 90's....ok, let me start inviting first. And will keep everyone in the loop!

when given and taken hv been a mis-up

Give & take, universal rule for balance.
But
no one wud tell me their bosses hv given them more than enough.
when bosses give, they r determined to take
and it's the normal rule, normal society game

but who wants to be taken without given?
Who can endure the feeling of always giving out and never given back, so should we just be giving up or just giving in!?

Taken....taken by surprise with goodies is great, constantly, I have been taken to this dirty corner to feel pain.....it's too much for me, getting too much......lately, constantly I cant breathe, I feel the needs to vomit, I feel beaten......

so, I want to go away, not stay here....be a real bird being free from cage....

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get it, if U r lucky....

I am a man's gal, as someone says....it's true. I am indeed a man's gal. I practically have hard time talking to women....as they r petty, competitive (with no grounds)......and....etc etc. And someone shares with me......after a almost 2 decades of marriage, he finally realized that his ex spouse treated him like shits and the thing is....I said to him....it's fantastic U realized "u allowed her to treat u like shits". I dont un us. I dont un humans.

Why....we r so caught up with torture?! We love to be in pain......well, most I guess. All of U r going to disagree with me, but spend 3 days with me, tell me your stories, I can 100% be sure.....I am going to scoop out your pain! Many a time, we wud say - I am being responsible, I am just fulfilling duty, I am just being a good person......in this world, if one doesnt luv oneself, nobody is genuinely gonna luv u. I think all the merits are great, but........when we cud never get outta it (tell me, really? U cant? they cant? I cant? and why....why some pple can!?!?!?!), we r trapped in within.....I dare say, we dont deserve to be happy.

How many humans r happy??? We all know certain theories and thoughts.....but we r not happy. I am never a happy person, for many years when I was in my 20's, I always asked - what's happy? I dont un....really....how cud one say one is happy? I cud never say I was happy. But as gradually, I developed a high EQ persona - ah Q (from a chinese author's character), I gradually have been drawn closer to happiness, though, I still cant say I am happy person - but I am a hopeful person, with very good regenerating system as I explain to my frens.

 

Why I cud say I am a fairy tale gal?! As no matter how broken I have been, I always find ways to mend them back......I then wud keep on hving hope for the best, for the perfection. I think this is a superhero ability......hahahaha........I dunno how I cud be like this, but I believe I always see things from afar. When I was young in my 20's, I always consoled myself by telling me - hey after 10 years U looked back at this moment, U wud laugh at yourself. So do you want to laugh at yourself so much?! If no, then dont do it.......of coz I am not that rational, but it helps me to create this ah Q persona.

 

Then, I talked about compartmentalization to my fren again last nite, eventhis term was extracted from Alias the TV show, yet......in order to heal oneself faster, U need to develope compartmentalization. Imagine.....U r just using one brain, but..../now with 4 comparrtments, U r actually using 4 brains. So, if onebrain fails or broken.....use the other 3. U cud heal the damaged brain-part much faster.

Ok.....my freaking singer fragrance brand is awaiting me.../YUCK........../

HK Tally

Thanks to Bruce, he reminded me, what the heck!? No entry...?! since May 3rd....really? since so long.....why time flies so fast!??????? I always say, whoever says whatever I said "time flies so fast" is an idiot, so yes I am an idiot too. Coz time doesnt fly but speed us or fade us by.

It's been a really busy and emotional month, and when I was supposed to go home finish my 3 plans last nite - I decided I shud hv a drink with my fren. A gal.....who is indeed luving beauty with her being, all her cells. As I compare, I really dont coz I spend less than 5 mins in front of mirror most of the time in a day.......but I think knowing what U luv is so important, even it means U want to go do plastic surgery tastefully. yes that's the term - tastefully or just plain deliciously. Many galz or even guyz in Asia wud go for facial reconstruction - yet they wud just choose, no.1 eye lids, no.2 nose (guessed I mentioned before), to me IT HAS NO TASTE. Even U r darn pretty at the end from a horribly ugly being!! But do it tastefully means U just fine-tune some imperfection, then well, if that makes u happy, go do it.

So will I do it? Absolutely! Pple always ask me if I wud do any PS. Esp bf...dunno why they always ask if I wud like to have boob augmentation. Frankly.....mine aint that small for HK galz....And also I dont like big boobs, for few reasons.....from a practical and logical pt of views. E.g. 

1. I like fashion......believe me, hving big boobs cant wear most fashion unless U hv very very slim long legs.

2. They r fucking heavy....wait till U have pre-menstrual syndrome, they are like 2 water melons

3. lets be realisitc too.....how many minutes a week I am going to be standing up naked!?!?! As u kniow....when u switch off light, all boobs look the same.

well.................

hving said that, I un why men like, coz they r all mommy boys. hahahahahaha

As for me, yes I would do sthg related to boobs....guess boobs augmenting pointnification. hagaahaha....................that's not even the right term. Frankly, I like my size,sometimes I wud look at myself and tell myself...."hey, caged bird, U r pretty great". But as age comes, we cant help but must admit......if U do hv boobs, U r gonna hv dropping boobs. And I find that to be super unsexy, so I want pointy boobs................hahahaah....pointnification.....:D

Actually, last nite I had a very gd inspiration but as my work crammed too much of my brain cells, so I totally forgot what I wanted to say, except there was an impression. So this morning, I woke up real early and while sitting in the toilet.....I recalled my impression, despite it's kinda abstract hazy - I just remembered, I praised myself again....hey u, U hv such a great mind. How could you come up w something but totally forgot about it and then mesmerize at your own impression of the lost inspiration.

Anyhow...I will keep up.....HK, do read me. :D

when it ceases meaning

Humans are strange creature. We secret all kinda hormones to stimulate our action and responses. Then, on the side, the mystical pheromones kinda drives U nuts by infatuating to someone or by falling off the wagon with someone. Then, that adrenaline....it is so powerful that at times, at that particular moment, U might even be able to move mountain. OK. next, its about brain waves.....that alpha, beta, delta.....do we radiate gamma?? hehe.....somehow they govern how we feel how we react and act.......how spiritual or calm rely somewhat on waves......

I dunno what makes a heart pain so much.....when today I woke up from a nitemare, or maybe lets be civil, call it a dream. I must be in my alternate universe.....I think I was someone trying to avoid a stalker or follower, or was I a cop? Very hazey.....next, it was abit similar to my current situation, but there was a 4th character. So from the 2 dynamic.....I realize, some forms of hormones have dissipated.....in real life. So I woke up lucikly not in sweats as it wud be too cliche to share......then I decided, to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and browsed ASOS. Never bought anything from there, but when I was in poverty last 3 years, I felt.....by browsing and choosing and saving the specific pieces soothe me alot, so I keepchossing, saving the pc I like......definitely when I go over the list, I might not really want to buy.

So what ceases meaning? I think our hormones......would gradually secrete less and less for a particular meaning.....say for apology, or a same form of conversation......today I feel it ceases meaning. 'I love u", "I miss u" ceases meaning when....U somehow miss being told to instead of listening to........

Oh yes, how's everyone? I hope U all have a great week, weekend is just a day away, and I hope U luv whatever U r doing rite now :ie reading here: hehe......

Additionally, I kept thinking where the wood is.....anyhow, guess U must be busy running ard, may I spend a bit of time here to wish u smooth sailing in whaDever U r doin!

Clearly....

I'm experiencing melancholic depression!! I'm depressed! I refuse to go home after work! I refuse to sleep! I refuse to care!!! Yet - I want to just stay home, I just want to sleep without waking up, and I just want to bother, to b obsessed with things I don't need to care!!! So, I know I'm hving a spring depression!!! I'm hungry to a pt I have terrible gastric pain yet I can't really eat! I don't remember what I put in my mouth!! No wonder my intestine is also complaining with strikes!! With blows! Why am I complaining!? It sucks! I want to crack some jokes here but my mind is clouded!! I can't crack a joke! Sorry! Later maybe if u care! Going round and round!! I don't want to go home as I'm afraid I may see my dog dead! Yes my old dog shadow seems abit slow, moody, tired.......I'm afraid she will die! I already rehearse in my head - I'm bk there, she doesn't come to greet me and then I check - oh no warmth, just frozen! N I'm going to call my sis and start crying - what shud I do with the body!? Shud I keep in fridge before sb cud pick up the corpse!? Or shud I act like my patents!? Just chucked our dead animal in a plastic bag and put in rubbish bin!! It's how old gen deals w dead animals!! So what shud I do!? Pple say I'm logical - actually no I'm just quite unnecessarily intellectual or dreamie - I like yo think of all possibilities and then rehearse in my head how I shud react or act!!! Anyways I will see if she's dead or not in 20 mins.... Sorry! My mind is clOuded!!

No credit love affair

When you work, U want to get good pay and good praise, so U try harder and harder to please.......
hence, I hope I can quickllllllyyyyy get some biz off the ground asap, so I can quit on bosses again.
I guess, maybe ie what I need to learn, to be more focuzed more determinded.
these cud be my 2012 lessons.....after the 3 years darkest period

So, when we work, we want credit.

At home, whether u r stay home wife/husband or....U r the bread winner
U want merits too. U want to come home with a warmest smile and welcome
ideally, ur stayhome spouse or even maid wud welcome u with a bowl of hot stuff in winter, or a plate of ice-cream in summer......or if u care about weight, then a cascades of assorted fruits would be lovely.
Yet, it seems....all these only occur in movies or family tv., haha...my mom even wasnt so nice considering she was in a past conservative era

Yes, we toil, coz we want credit.

In love, even more. We love, We give, We tolerate.......we toil, we sweat (in bed or just running ard), we care.....then we cry, we try, we understand.......then, we pain, we luv, we toil once again.......dont u feel, U always have regrets in luv?!?! Who has ever said they got no regrets in any one love affair?!?! Either we regret we give too much or we give too less. The funny thing is....usually the real credits come after 2 are apart.....but that credits still mean anything at all?!?!?! Actually......according to my experience, it just feeds into my arrogance and on the other hand feed into my melancholy. So why love, when it seems credits are so stingily offered.......why humans r so mean to that person they love many a time? Or actually.....we dont really luv so we r stingy!?!?!

So, yes we luv coz we want credit.

Ultimately, humans live to earn credits, hence credit cards......appear, it's like someone telling u, without U actually earning it, we give u credits as WE TRUST THAT U WILL EARN THIS CREDIT!!! I dont use credit cards anymore, as I find it's such an evil genius. But think about it....this world move faster than b4........in some ways, I think credit cards have a role in it, as it pushes pple to work to use their mind more....on how to earn more credits.....

A Sunny Sunday

My mind is being taken to another plane from not far from the earth level. I think it's why I cant see clearly, the big picture, maybe I just refuse to float, to fly. Frankly, I am going to be very dark next couple of weeks, I will allow myself to continue to be depressed, miserable until....ok, target bday. Oh by the way, I have got a bday party plan already, abit less usual....still, just an excuse to gather frenz. Maybe some part, I will need Bruce to help, afterall he's the dark knight. :))

I really think I need to re-focus and its not something I was born with. Since young, my mind is like a waterfall.....just keep flowing w both genius and dumbest ideas. At one stage, by focusing on just books were a great, books cud be a good tool to train my mind. Now, I will need to force-train my mind again. And I cant think of how yet........guess it needs some form of combination locks.

Last week, I almost had episodes of strokes and heart attacks. It was a bad week, everyday some bad things happen....it was quite scary actually. And I just have maybe 10 hrs to clear my head, to re-stand once again.

I guess, I am quite tired now being alone and lonely. It's not a nice feeling anymore....it used to give me a sense of existence, now it just offers me drag. So.......I hope I can write more to describe something...yes something....what;s that something , I got no idea!!

I guess, at the end of the day.....maybe my frenz, maybe U here....after some years, and they come to tell me, hey gal, U have changed......to something....something.....I dont think a person needs to change to better for the world, maybe that change cud be worse for the world, yet.....if u change, u change it better for yourself (as in my case for myself)......it's a self merit.

Anyways, at this moment, my mind is very clouded. And I feel bloated too.....I need go to shit hopefully no more toxins in my body to further clouding my already clouded mind.

Statistic II

Previously, I was always curious about where my readers were from coz I had alot of USA page views and I was indeed curious how someone from there got to my link!! And these 2 weeks, it seems Russia has surpassed other cities n countries!! N I'm v excited and delighted!! Frankly my views are very bs but they are mostly genuinely pissed off by myself, by the world!! :)) I really hope some of you could leave a comment - be it trash me, or agree with me!! Of coz if trash too much, I wudnt show it!!!! Haha kidding!! :)) Anyways, thx so much for reading!!

A week with no news and too much news

My ex- husband got married! It's a very weird feeling! On one hand, I always asked him to get married again soon last few yrs when we still kept in touch chatting every few mths! I was hoping he cud b happier, he cud b more excelled in his career! ESP I think his then gf was nice enough to accept out then situation! She must luv him alot!

He's the greatest man I have ever met in my life! He's great to me even I was and yes I have been an asshole always! He's the only one who was patient with me, tolerate with me, being there for me, saw me as who I was, never criticized me even I failed so many things in so many ways!! I think since after him, I have been tortured by karma! I was too young n wasn't willing to appreciate him n appreciate comradeship! Aso my damnest thing was I told him I didn't luv him bloody honestly!

I guess if u wud hv met him now! I wud never let him go but how cud we keep cuda shuda wuda!?

On the other hand yes I do admit I feel upset! Not coz he's married but somewhere in my head I still thought he was mine! Yes v silly but I don't deny my silliness! How cud one give up sb like that!? So yes I m slightly un rightfully upset!

Mayb I wud feel better if I aso hv a man with me, next to me hugging me when I saw their wedding picture on Facebook! But I was alone! While already experiencing a v depressive week!! News w bad news, news with no news! I then look from afar for my current situation! Why wud I dream on!? Believing in things I shudnt believe in! At least for now, let me hv no hope!!

I guess sb once said I might hv some psychic ability n I think this is it!!! Haha I was depressed whole week for aso reasons can't justify my depressive mood! I guess on some level I knew he wud get married but I just wasn't aware or informed! Anyhow....

I will let myself cry n depressed these 2 days for the "best" of sthg that I lost! Yet still sincerely I wish for very best of their life together! I did send him a MSG to congratulate him!

Anyways, just some sharing only!

Double Expresso

It's been second day I am breathing on caffeine. I couldnt have a space to think, then I have been chased from all sides. I remember.....I used to be very aggressive.....very devoted....always cud find ways to solve issues. But this time.....this co.....I feel dead with them.

My head is filling being pounded by all sides.......today, after long time recovery, I feel I want to fork myself with a real sharp fork. OK, sorry....as I repeated, this is my space, I can pollute the world anyhow I want. I dont need anyone to console me.....coz today I indeed feel out of breath. My liver toxin has been rising and I am upset that......things r rushing in like tsunami. Then......I am alone. U know. I am alone during holiday.........I was always OK to be alone, these 2 weeks were bad. 

Managing and handling loneliness and aloneness take long process and time. I did it most of the time but at times, cant I just fucking admit that I couldnt manage and handle anymore????? I dont want Mr A or B or C, tom button or jude carey. I want to be with someone who is out of the world.....haha....maybe who can indeed see me.

OK, OK...I have high expectation but so fucking what!? Why cant I have expectation? Which shit school of thoughts say we shall not expect? Damn ass idiot....I hate this no expectancy thing. Tell me, why U dont kill urslef now, rite now if you dont have hopes or dreams?! Why cant I dream? Why cant I have hopes? 

I seriously seriously need a break. I seriously and humanly benefiting the whole world.....Ineed a break. I need to go away, a trip to breathe fresh air, instead of breathing in expresso. I am like a dead soul who was once thriving!!! Shit, I hate this feeling......I want to stop whining so I can start living. renew my dream, god, renew my soul my souldust. I am gonna be dead from expresso.......

Easter

It's been a while I wrote something happy, but continuously I am abit moody. I just slept my holidays away, work is last thing on my mind and did abit of reflection. And then found my pic at young age and looked into her eyes.....it's kinda weird. I think she was very moody soul as well. And also, I wasnt as ugly as my adult family once said about me....I was lived under the terminology that I aint pretty and I was very stupid comment since....too young. 

Anyways.....then U grow up. U meet guys. They all think I am quite pretty and exceptionally smart, yet then they would replace with various comments.....they kinda haunted me till now. However, as I evaluate myself....I aint like that what they say.....I mean I am alil.....but not in their exaggerating context. For one, he said I used his money. Basically, until now from my re-collection....he used mine more than I used his. Many a time, I gave more than I received, unless he's much richer than me. Thou, I couldnt or I dont bother to defend any longer....if ie his or their impression, let them die with that. I always always believe......when one dies, they would have a moment to count back their regrets. I might not be their regrets but surely my face would come up......hehe, coz I am a nice gal with good heart. If being mis-interpreted, it's beyond my ability or intention to justify.

Then, I think......why people like to trash each other.? Incl me, ok...I trash too much. Dont we un it's a karma circle....at the end of the day, the more we see the "bad things" about the person, the more "we own their bad things"?! Then, lately I concluded that my jealousy gene is actually quite minimal as I tend to believe in greatness in people....always want the best out of them. I am not a great person.....but this is deep inside me wanting to see pple lashing out their best.....it's in me, nothing pretensious.....nothing fake......I guess I felt I had always been under-rated for too long.

Anyhow.....maybe, a lifting up message here.....enjoy urself, believe in yourself, and try to see through a person mask and extract the best out of them. It's very hard if he/she is your another half or gf, bf, bff, etc etc..........yet, if U cud see, U wud find something to fall back in luv with them, maybe; or.....maybe u see a better world out there through them, through their eyes.

bottomless pit analogy

Since childhood, I always have images of pit and cliff. Cliff is....I feel like I am always at the edge of cliff that I am gonna jump down. Pit is....I feel I have been suffocated. Since long time, I wasnt brought back to those 2 places. 

Yet, with my fren Bruce, sometimes we talked about our rp. Esp in the past......he once mentioned I had bottomless patience or compassion for others, esp men, and I would say, esp for useless men! And usually these are the people who told me I was impatient.......sigh....

somehow, I got an analogy today when pondering abt stuff, as the more deep a pit inside your psychi is, the more burial site hidden down there. I evaluate myself very often and I have to say - my childhood was a normal one, I wasnt raped, I didnt get beaten every day or I wasnt so poor that I gotta eat rubbish. I mean, everything was kinda normal. Yes, I got problematic dad or mom....or even sisters, aunties...etc etc....but they are still normal relatively speaking. So I got no idea where this is all from? Maybe I am sick, hehe.

I think and I hope, me likewise....we wont exploit pple kindness, love and patience. Everyone of it is hard to come by....if someone does love you, you are already not forgotten by god. If you have been kind or treated patiently - it means your past lives have done something good.

And I could feel I am pouring some cement into the pit of patience....as I am losing it.

Certain searches for a spotful mind

My mind is filled with pokkadot....pokkadot mind. 

crazy.

messy.

Screamy.

Yelly.

It;s meaningless to ask why.....or whatever. So I just shut up and let my mind be filled with pokkadots.

I dont like woman boss

I once swore I wudnt work under a woman boss. See I ate my word and now I suffered. haha

Well, actually....I feel beaten up as normally after a while, I get what a boss wants. If I could please him or her, then I can have freedom to hv many other things. Ie what I call...building trust and understanding the people above or below you. To me, it's critically important. But this one - I am abit at loss. I feel so stupid, how come after 3 mths I still dont get her. She doesnt seem like a complicated woman. Actually.....I realize, I could get complexity and complication rather than simplicity. Maybe....she's just a simple mind woman. Aiiii....I feel defeated, as I am always very proud of this part.

OK, I am determined, I must explore a way to "please" her enough so I could be free.

Quotation 3

Continue on from.....

http://birdwnolegs.blogspot.com/2011/09/quotation-2.html

1. This, I posted on FB.
Nothing is crazier than knowingly falling in love.

2. Humans need pattern of habits more than pattern of love.
So may I say, we are basically primitively caveman? And May I say, I am actually  a wild cat.

3. I study pattern so I dont actually live in pattern.

4. More I ponder, more I dont understand time.
Time numbs or heals a person depending how you look at it. But time also makes us think we have time......so I would say time is very dangerous adversary of human kinds.

5. if you study astrology, you would know we have water, earth, wind and fire sign.
Fire is the most non-dangerous sign, even it seems most invasive.
Water is the most dangerous sign as it can kill everything - earth, wind and fire.
And water is the only element that can change state - from ice to aqueous, from liquid to gaseous. Hence, if you are with a water sign, you could see that they could boil you or they could froze you. Yes, I am of water sign.....and so I do all sort of constructive and destructive things depending on my water state.

today isnt a good day so I vent

haha, I am crying at office....long time never did, and never really cried much, or maybe I cried too much. I have some epiphany. Of coz I am crying not coz someone scolded me or something. I think on some level, I feel really hurt by something....maybe it's just a trigger, but then snowballed from something knotted from the past, it's like uncontrollable.

Yesterday, I had this idea.....I am indeed hving some form of superwoman spirit. I want to save the world......or be nice.....or change people....I once did fantasise its my role on earth. However, even though my own metamorphosis has been pretty drastic, I always feel I am not perfected enough....I dont hv the skill to do it. So I decided .... maybe by influencing others in little ways, I could make the world better. Just by changing pple mindset....in little ways, maybe I could change the world's thinking system. So I am seriously quite dedicted to do it. Maybe abit on blog, abit on FB, abit on close encounters......etc etc.

Then, sometimes I feel pple who are close to me, at the end somewhat.....I know they have changed. Chnaged to better, maybe stronger......my ex-es....all same...I let them go from my palms once I know they r in their own frame, the rite direction. Not that I will lead them, but more...sometimes a step better makes life slightly easier. Actually one at times had anxiety attack.....I was there. Then another one, becoming more intune with himself, etc etc. Though, I am a nutcase.....I sometimes want someone to be there to see the best in me and to indeed uncover it......Yet....all of them appreciate me with negative comments....all wud say I am arrogant, insensitive, impatient, crazy, imbalance.........at the end

I think I have always carried such wounds w me....I mean I am not a saint, yes I am indeed all of the comments they comment about me.....hhahahaa....but I wudnt expect that as parting gifts.

And yes about yesterday.............I did my own little angel work by interviewing 2 little galz. I have so much compassion for people...I dunno...how I wish they could be all under my wings so I can help them according to each personality. I indeed want to raise a sharp army somewhat....anyways, at the end, one said...(esp the one I said...sorry, this jobs doesnt suit u),,,,thank you so much as no one has been so nice in interview and thanks for sharing with me your view and suggestion.

Guess at times, certain things are destined, then it's destiny.

Anyhow, yes I am just bullshitting. It's absolutely boring......sorry.

A bad morning in 2012

Actually it's 2nd morning I feel worse these 3 months, I think it's lucky sign. In almost 90 days, I didnt feel like going to work....really today I dont want to, as it's getting obvious I dont like managing bottomline by someone else....haha....anyways

Just want to blablah as really I feel abit sucky now. I re-evaluate myself.....I think I am doing a pretty good job, though yes maybe I could hv done more preparation but it wasnt enough basis for me to do anything, so now....I feel abit stuck. Anyways.....I hope after 2 buffs, I will be fine.

Life, part of the deals, no rainbows everyday or sunshine every morning. But I wont lose hope.....In btw, really....I was just thinking, in HK, we dont get to see birds migrating or rainbows anymore....when I was young, I would see that pretty often. When stuck in office always like more than 12 hrs a day, at times, I wud wonder if outside does hv other living thing or not.

Anyways....

Love in the PUFF

I got the chance to see the premier, and I gotta say.....Love in A Puff was like all love story sweet and romantic. Then the 2nd one - Love in THE puff, it's more realistic. And the 2 movies are so local with so much cantonese swearing.....it's a must watch if U want a laugh while learning how to swear in cantonese.

The song inside. Sweet......luv it.



When minutes become hours
When days become years
And I dont know where you are
Color seems so dull without you

Have we lost our minds
What have we done
But it all doesnt seem to matter anymore

When you kissed me on that street I kissed you back
You held me in your arms I held you in mine
You picked me up to lay me down
When I look into your eyes
I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I
Im drenched in your love
Im no longer able to hold it back

Is it too late to ask for love
Is it wrong to feel right
When the world is winding down
Thoughts of you linger around

Have we lost our minds
What have we done
But it all doesnt seem to matter anymore

When you kissed me on that street I kissed you back
You held me in your arms I held you in mine
You picked me up to lay me down
When I look into your eyes
I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I
Im drenched in your love
Im no longer able to hold it back

WorkLife

I have been working daily.......since last Sunday........so including next 5 days of the week, I could say I have been working nonstop 14 days......Well, I have no complaint though. Anyways, I realize I am an aggressive person with responsible mindset together with the attitiude on disgusting with "rework" - I hence rather work like a slave. And by achieving, it will soon give me the room to run the side projects I want.....And by reminding myself daily.....I am happily as if sleeping on a cloud. 

OK, back to work......and hope to catch you all soon!!!!!

In btw, I hv watched over 10 movies last week.....even I didnt hv enough sleep. I hope you could find the pleasure or hobbies that U wud rather go without sleep for. For me, I know what!

sex, work and movies

:)

Blank vote

There was a discussion about going to cast the blank vote. As mentioned on FB, I am totally hating those advocating such idea. We have become a city with the mindset to OURNEXTGEN.....whatever we are unhappy or dissatisfied, GIVEUP HOPE! Cast blank vote is a way to protest?????? Normally is......but....to HK population NO. As we always cast blank vote anyways.

Wow.....I am fucking traitor I know. haha

But trully. I dont dislike mainland.............I dont expect them to change overnight, I dont expect them to be non-communistic in 2 years, and I dont expect we will lose democracy at all.

So....why not being positiive and hope for the best. treat the new dude as new CEO....never know, maybe he cud rise upon all odds. hehe.....

unpolitical mind to talk abt politics

Well, I am not into politics.Basically, I dont read news, good or bad. It's so tainted anyways....by the unskilled journalists or commentators. I have no idea why all HK pple are so against everything....they follow on the news or focuz on just one tiny flaw....And yet, I feel....the scary thing isnt CN govt has chosen who to be the head of HK. To me, the scariest thing is how HK people have shifted sides so easily, so following on some ideas without some individulistic mind. I am not exactly saying.....that who or whom is better, rather, I hv no opinion coz I havent been responsible as a citizen anyways. hehe....the Q all HK pple shud ask.....hv they been responsible? They cared now who is the head......but hv they ever really cared??? I think if they really do, they feel upset is fine. Yet.....

It's so ridiculous....to me that they even asked if we ever had a choice to choose!? hahahaah....since being the colony of UK, hv we ever had choice??? Maybe we shud be glad....long long long time ago, we were without choice being cut from the mainland, then governed by another grp of unknown britain pple.......and our lifeline started from there. So now, asked if we ever got a choice? The first dude back in 1997....there was no even any 100o votes. After over 10 years, now in somewhat.....there were some 1000 votes.

And to my opinion. HK pple are not equipped to make votes anyways. few reasons....first we dont think in collective terms and we got no individual mindset. Is being governed by china so bad afterall? Frankly.....my opinion is NO. Second, we dont hv the education to develop a group of great politicians anyways.....we dont hv that vast mind & brain......so, it's fine to protest, but pls protest with some brain cells. I am totally against follow-suit attitude!

At times I feel we are so froggy under the bottom of the pit. And we just know how to make froggy noise. And I dont feel sad whether Leung or Tong has been elected. I feel sad for our population!!!!! What do HK really have anyways!? I would wish HK and CN could work closely and not hating each other......and then everyone has a job with a decent flat to live in. Isnt it what HK pple always ask for, hv food in mouth and a roof for head?

Anyhows, I am not political....and I dont really care. All I care is just me....and my loved ones. As long as we continue to live in this free society......I am pretty fine. So I am sorry....I disagree with HK this time!

another plan

.......I think someone is hving sex somewhere in the bldg, definitely I am hearing a woman, ar ar noise....it's weird, no one is living ard me, and the noise is way too long for an orgasm....I think it's either a woman is being tortured S&M or maybe.....just being boiled with some form of oil, or she's actually doing a very painful lymphatic massage or just a man who likes to watch japanese porno.....I am starting to be sure it's the latter!!!!!!!

hehe

 

yes, my another plan is I must find a way to start compiling a book....or in the form of blog. As mentioned I have close to 1000 entries, and I shud....I guess....not should, but I want to compile to a story. OK....thanks for listening

it has been a stressful week

when I am lying in my bed, my dog is sitting in a position kinda like sleeping, checking out what I am doing. Such times like this, I feel in awe, as how could I establish such an intimate relationship with an animal, yet....maybe I cudnt hv such long lasting rp?? Such serene rp with another human. It's an interesting thought.....

Yes, a stressful week it has been. Some nites, worked till MN, just went to work on a Sunday......lack of sleep and cud only rely on massage to relieve muscle pain.....But I am still investing too much time watching movies, yes I would rather sleep less but keep watching movies. One of the movies I did - The Way. I mean seriously it's a boring movie, about the St James Way, that I did talk about some time ago. And this Camino path has been written about by Paulo Coelho, and another actress whose name kinda slipped my mind, maybe SHirley Mcclaine or sthg....cudnt recall.

I remember, during mid last year, when my suicidal tendency was at another peak, I did try to drive myself to set up a 2 year goal...which wud be, I wud go there. I reckoned....I didnt really want to die but then at that moment, all was pressing until I heard voices in my head. And then of coz, according to medium (a fren's mom in law is one, who did me a favor to read me from afar).......I got 3 spirits attached to me. Anyways....another story........but in order to survive, I made myself to read, to distract myself....and then I made this goal to walk 1 month journey. Until now, I havnt given this thought.....and I am hopeing, my strategy, my plan, my working hard on many things is somehow paying me off by sending me there....or somehow, a spiritual guide wud force me.

Ultimately, I think I want to choose to walk there coz I want to experience true spirituality....or maybe....some form of exertion to my being wud push me to another level. I went through a stage....and I want to go to another stage. Suffering, challenges, success, learnings....are my addiction! I need to constantly have some form of understanding of something.....I guess if I dont have this euphoric feeling of an experience or something, I wudnt be able to keep writing.....now, its hitting 600 entries soon, and lets not forget I have another blog, a personal one that is ard 500 entries, all done within 1.5 to 2 yrs time. The 500 pcs were written within 6 mths......hehe, I am crazy, and I wont deny it. I am obssessive but mostly abouyt myself only. I am not very obsessed with other people.....so maybe some pple feel I am cold and distant....

anyways.................

I am not complaining of stressing out at work, I am actually grateful. I am grateful.......I can now buy coffee anytime I want or choose, I am grateful I have dogs, I have people who would read me here even I may not know who you are, and then I have good frenz, sis and mom who luv gossip with me, and then I do have someone who luv me but we kinda cant be together, then....I have my fingers to type, my brain cells are still pretty active in synapsing.........

Then, as I look ard pple, I dont understand we are always so childish, complaining about everything, about life, about this n that........i am working hard to obtain another spirit, another sentiment that is higher than the famous ah Q in chinese literature......frankly, I hv been living like ah Q 80% of my time.....so I am exploring how I cud be at another level higher than ah Q

anyways.........................................how's everyone?? I hope at times U feel I pollute ur brains with my words in funny ways, or at times U just feel encouraged and inspired all kinda bullshits I have been saying.

Have a great week, and I hope.....i can write soon .

I am a woman

but working for a woman is really something else.

I am a woman, I always have nothing good to say about us. 

We are jeakous, envious all the time

And we are emotional, confusing with our words and minds

I am indeed confused as I am not used to mixed messages

but when men say they are confused by me, I am confused, and I always thought I was pretty honest and straightforward

but being honest....of coz dont mean not confusing

So as a whole, I am very confused by men and women now.

Men are usually confused by themselves.

Women tend to confuse people in order to show they are clear minded

So I feel very confused by the self confusion and outside confusion. I think I was hidden from the world for years, now....it takes more breath to breathe the filthy air, it takes more concentration to decipher the stupid topics pple discuss, And I have to say.....pple hvnt changed abit, and on the contrary.....everyone seems stupider to me, making me harder to understand them. ahahahah....and of coz, in turn they may think I am stupid too. I guess.

But as I watched this movie, about the russian astraunat how he spent weeks of a particular noise in space ( I cudnt recall its from the moon or the engine) - but it surely wud kill him with that noise (that noise but nothing else). So he thought to himself, the only way he cud survive without bombing himself up with the spacecraft, he gotta "fall in love" with that noise.......goodness.....

What a spirit beyond the famous chinese ah Q spirit!? I want to learn it, not coz I want to be a ninja......but I want to be beyond ninja one day. I achieved Ah Q spirit, now I am trying to achieve the beyond.....

Just side note....at times pple ask me what kind of person I am? I wud say, I have superhero spirit. hehe...as I want to save the world and indeed that's just one of my life goals.