Peak Experience

Ok, well, so quickly I got something to share. Actually, I should say I always want to write down one particular experience but I never got around to do it, but the quote by Oscar Wilde, " We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible." somewhat reminded me of it, as I always wish I could re-experience it.

I have been thinking how I could go to that transient state of mind, maybe called "trance", though everyday I space out alot. I remember a fren asking me why I always spaced out - I said, it's a way to escape to my thinking world. haha....it cracked them up real bad. Good that they know I am a bit "normal". 

OK, the experience happened when I was in first year at Melbourne - and I joined a church group like a youth christian group and we went for a camp. Maybe if you are catholic or non-pentecostal denomination, you wouldnt have the experience of "speaking in tongue", actually it's one of the gifts depicted in the Book of Acts. Anyhow, honestly I dont know why at that time we would go into the woods, led by the mature leaders, to ask God for the gift of tongue. They started bili bala. And I was praying within that I wanted to bili bala, it sounded so cool, man!!! And there, a scream - actually one of the younger ones like me was screaming like hell, and well, yes he was demon-possessed. So the elder ones pressed him down and started exorcising him "casting out the demons". They asked "him" what they were, and they named various names like this god or that god...etc. More than one spirit, yes. And then there at that moment, of coz we were all supposed to be praying - I started "SINGING in tongue". And, tell u what, in my head - I was thinking, that must be how the angels sang. (now, it seems many think I am good at Karaoke, but then I was timid and I sang SUPER out of tune ALL the time), so I remembered I was singing in perfect tunes, not tunes of any melody I heard. I couldnt remember how and what it sounded like, but it was angelic.

And I even raised my hands and started singing. I mean, I kinda erased most of the memory now, but I vaguely felt a light somewhere......(though it could be a street lamp, haha, but there shouldnt be street lamp somewhere in the wood). And I walked slowly to him - though I was stopped by others, as I guess they think demons are touch-transferred haha....but I walked back to the possessed guy and he was screaming and I was singing. I remember I prayed for him & pressed him down. (he was getting up like a snake, kinda bizzare) 

Everything stopped, and we went back to our room. There, a bigger elderly christian asked me if I could say "jesus is lord"...I got super offended as she thought I was demon-possessed too. People, are just so narrow-minded, they could speak in tongue but not sing...??? Of coz I was young, I became eternally wounded by it. 

And now, as I ponder back, that was one of my illuminations or peak experience. And I so want to relive it - as I think, if I could recall - it was just angelic, tranquil, finally understood.............but thanks to that shitty jealous bitch, I was brought from angelic presence to a hellistic hole.

But, I feel I will have that moment of peak, that moment of wrapped illumination. I dunno if I could sing in tongue again, coz it never repeated it ever.....

-----------------------------------

Note:

Lately, many of previous life has flashed back before my eyes and I would take a moment to ask why I have such flash back. For e.g. I saw the scene whereby asking my professor to be my mentor as I was to write a paper of "caffiene", I couldnt recall the title - but I recall that she was shocked that someone would want to write about it, I think I said something like "I like coffee, and U like coffee", and she gladlt accepted my proposal, though I never finished the paper, as it was just way too difficult to establish my arguing points, and actually not many studies enough to help me put the paper together. - and she looks like a witch, ie my thinking.

I dunno why many tedious moments are flashing before my eyes, and I think maybe one of these days I am going to write in a chronological orders of such flash backs or something.....I feel there's a significance in it - that may help me bring to my realization of a question I desperately need an answer.

"Peak experiences are transient moments of self-actualization." Abraham Maslow

Interestingly

I should just mention it here. I am recording an audio-biography. As I have been doing some walking lately, esp everytime I dont bring my iphone, I always want to talk to a recorder. So, now I might as well start putting my thoughts into my iphone, instead of writing them down.

Today, I went to this Book Attic, and I found a book. Gosh......my fren was talking to me last nite about ESP, and so I searched online, nothing very especially ESP-ing interesting me. So I dropped the idea of going through to explore, thou he did leave me a note that somehow the best state is (I mix up) - beta or delta, the meditation state. Ie where the current resistance lowest & current could move fast. Wow, luv it....I luv some scientific talk & description of stuff. I am not a just very sentimental person, I suspect my personality structure consists of 70% rational, but mainly in my head.

Anyways, BANG! yes I saw the book, not something directly he recommended, but it's even better. The book did all the research on the mysticism in a (to me) very researched & scientific presentable manner. That';s what I like, I never really like to read a concept, I hate it. I prefer looking through all the concepts and make up one my own. This is the book for me, superrrr......

And of coz I luv the fact that he quotes alotta writers, philosophers, etc names.....which I could actually do some research on. And the book is thick with very crammed words.....my kind of reading.

I am at this very moment very intrigued by the wrapped by "illuminations". Reading, hope I could express and share my thoughts later, if not, I will do it individually when we meet. :)

My Bed is UFO Spacecraft

When I was a kid, I always looked to the then still quite starry nite (less street lamps) - and talked to the sky and requested, close to demanded - PLS, UFO, Show yourself to me and pls rapture me. or Abduct me. I dont care, I dont belong it here, also I suspect my parents are not my parents, and I talked to them, confronted them - their face were red N afterwards they beat me up. So UFO, u see, it shows, I dont belong here.

No answers! SHITS.

I actually couldnt understand why it was so hard to get tuned with them or just to sit in their UFO tummy.

These few days, ie how I talk to my bed too. Bed Bed, I want to lie on you, I want to sleep with you, I want to feel your pressure against my sore stifffffff back, and I want to hug you, kiss you, drool over you.

NO ANSWERS! My bed isnt responding to me. I think he's angry with me, becoz I hv not been attentive to him at all. I spent less than 60% of my usual time with him....and when I am not sleeping, usually I like to hug him with my books or iphone kindle......now, I could feel he's angry, he's sulking, he doesnt welcome me.

Just like the UFO, they dont welcome me. They dont want to abduct me. I beg of them. And now my bed is that hard to get to. Sigh, I will go and take a moment to tell him how sorry I am. I really dont mean it, stuff has taken my attention, phone calls, emailing have become my unconscious movement. 

Pls take me back, bed.

Everything happens for a reason.....ok, then thanks to the rain

As I was making a promise to god yesterday, I told him I would do a daily discipline, for e.g. going for a walk talking, kinda like peripatetic, so I thought maybe I should go to my favourite refuge - 2nd hand bookshop. I found a new one at Elgin, so wanted to "walk about" and had a goal for this "walking about".

But when I stepped out, it started to rain, first drizzle then heavy drizzle. It usually doesnt happen like this, when I step out, it stops raining. Ie why in a rainy season, I basically dont need an umbrella. So I resorted to International to get some milk and things for tonite dinner. Then I suspected when I walked out, the rain would cease somehow. Actually it kinda did, so I started walking for 2 mins heading to Elgin, the heavy drizzle started again. OK well, maybe I should head home, so was trying to walk to home direction - the rain kinda paused again. OK, so I went to another way to walk to the booshop, and it started again.

Right, I felt these were the signs I shouldnt go, and I went to buy some egg tarts for myself & the security guides in my bldg. And there, I talked for 10 sec with them - they asked me what dogs I got.

I WAS FREAKED. My bldg isnt supposed to live, let alone having dogs.

I said....ummm......shouldnt this be kept quiet, then they went on telling me, no need, someone has been having a dog here all along and the dog is kinda old that he couldnt walk on stairs. WOW. RELIEVE. SUCH A GOOD NEWS.

Meaning, I could somehow sneak out my dogs at nite once in a while and now since news is out, I feel protected.....hahahaha.....by the security guides.

Maybe the rain was for me to head back to hear such a good news - thanks for my angels. hehe. U see now, the sky is bright abit again and NO RAIN. :)

I think when you are patient with something, indeed want to achieve something - somehow the universe conspire to offer something that you asked for but forgot......to encourage u that they LISTEN. :)

Continuing on my Singlehood

Well, I think....while I was in toilet....I think alot in toilet......that actually roughly now it marked my 2 years of singlehood. But if counting my year in China, then....I would say 3 years. hehe....seriously, then I was already gone from my ex, and planned my viscious breakup (though didnt go according to plan, shitsss). 

As I have been doing alot of reflection of my past few years past few months......I am amazed I am so at ease being single.

Well, as everyone knew me before NYE 2009, I had a vow that I would not date or do any stuff in 2010, I actually completed it with much diligence, and I was proud of myself of this abstinence thing coz it was a conscious action - a way to train my inner strength. Well, but this year, I dated too much......and lost interest too fast too.....except one, of coz....but also faded away like water paint under the heavy rain.

I was thinking to myself in the toilet, really........I dont mind hving a bf, as I got a constant affection or msg or something or duhduhduh......but then I am actually at ease with myself too. Well, this issue I wouldnt bother this year, I suppose it's too confusing question for me - freedom or companion. I hv no answer. But I know I am more inclined to freedom, and the fact is most of the things I prefer to do it alone......ummmm. Except, indeed, when I couldnt sleep at 2am, I do wish I could have the freedom to call a bf of some sorts to get someone to listen to me. Ummm, maybe you say friends could do that too. O well, we are not early 20's, everyone needs beauty sleep and they got an important job to attend, or their wife or bf would be pissed if I would hv to call. Though, seriously, if U r not happy, feel free to call me at 4am, I would be pleased to talk to u. (Of coz sane people wudnt call their bf at 3am, hehe.......:P, but I think I did that before just to yell at them. KAKA....Me BITCH!)

Why I dont speak FRENCH!!!!?????

When U were in my situation, U would ask the same thing. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I am working with this company, trying to write a proposal, and just by getting through the freaking pricelist, I got.......ummmm................5 times, but different ones. The first one, only 10 items, so I doubted why I would work with a company with just 10 items, within which basically 5 are the same. Then, of coz they are the freaking french doodles. OK, but in their product catelogue pic (very vague pics) - there are more than 10 items, so I asked again. "Sweetie, do you have this, that, and this in your company?" "Sweetie, but there were only few items, could you do so kindly resend another one for me?"

The 2nd one that arrived on my cheery msn. "Sweetie, pls dont type, I cant record this here, could you send me one in excel format?"

The 3rd one arriving fashionably late - this time in pdf format. In my head, I was going to burst.........IT's in FRENCH again, Shiiiitssss..............but this time also many items that I asked before the "this, that, this" were also missing. "Sweetie, ummm.........didnt you tell me you had that as well?"

The 4th & 5th one, I thought I was smart, so I gave him a sample. A sample I got from another french competitor, I deleted many items but just wanted to show him - the format as an example in EXCEL form. He sent me back 2 types, this time.....in FREAKING HKD. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and the pricing was WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG even I converted to Euro according to his exchange rate. And now, I am trying to match the 4th & 5th, and guess what more items are included this time, BUT - I cross-checked with a website that wholesaled their product range and THEY ARE SOMEWHAT MISSING AGAIN FEW ITEMS.

I think maybe the way I do it, at the end I would be the one who will have better understanding of all their product range that they actually offer. My godddddddddddd, My Goddddddddddddd.................SAVE ME FROM THIS TORTURE. But God wont , I know, because.....He wants me to have no Sleep. YEs 6am already, I cant sleep. I am so afraid when I sleep, my train of thoughts would be gone, but my eyes are so heavy N swollen...........I cant scream as there's no one I could yell at. Schizzzztttssszzzzz. Sometimes, it's the best time to have a bf, so I can torture him....KAKAKAKAKAKA.......well, guess God saves a soul somehow by making me single. hehe.

Arr, no need to comfort me. I think this one is going to be successful, as everytime I got such torture, in HK or China.....things will become good. if things move too easily, my sales wud be bad. So.....I think finally I understand. I have to be tortured to get grand results....hohoohohohoh....

But then I cant help it to think....why people are so dis-organized & so dis-oriented, u know??!!! I sometimes wonder if I would appear like that to other people. ummm............so now calm down. Thank you.

^^

Cause & Effect

I think how a regret springs from your mind is esp, esp, when you dont understand Cause & Effect. It's always because & therefore. So & Since. I have been using this cause & effect alot lately when I am pondering on my past life. I remember I first vowed to myself I wouldnt have regrets in my life since I broke up with my first bf.

I think we had an arguement in the stupid freaking hot humid S'pore and he told me if I would to leave S'pore & him, I would REGRET for the rest of my life. HAHA. That was so amusing to me that I turned (like in a movie - Gone with the Wind when on last scene Scarlet vowed to herself that she would protect the land) to him & said - if my true regret wud for me to tell you now is that I should have left u long time ago. hehe....there N then I decided not to regret. Always ponder the consequences before action.

These 2 years, I couldnt say I was so strong to be able to say No Regret, but close enough. I know, I know, I kept saying my life has been tough...blablah. But it has been really, tough. And despite I should regret for certain choices I should NOT have made, but the fact is - I DID make those choices. Cause & Effect Applies......well, yes I couldnt know the future, but it was within the formula, when I made the decision - the potential consequences wud be in the formula. The thing is - I equated the formula and forgot there would be an X, more than one variable. Whenever an equation with more than 1 variable, things could be different, it's no longer a Yes & No. (sorry, maybe more than 2 variables, but I am more talking about life situation disguised in an equation)

These few weeks, my mind has been revolving. So I become more calm N quiet as things I am pondering is abit beyond life science. haha.......I got no solution, but as I observe around people....it's always cause & effect. And it sounds so simple, and actually it is. The thing is people dont apply that in their lives but just focus on the results with much regrets or remorse. 

I dare say, i dont hv much of either. I am not saying I am happy with my life, actually not at all. Coz I caused myself in such situation, SO I have to live with it. Now, I need to jump to another Cause & Effect Cycle to vindicate certain residual side effects. Ai......

I just feel like blablah, as I sometimes just need to blablah. :)

Miss U.....

I was just thinking - oh mine, I got no inspiration for an entry here lately. BING! Someone sent me a msg - "Miss U". Ummm..............I have been recieving such msg lately quite a bit. Not to brag, but I am abit ambivalent about it. I like to hear it, but I dont want to respond it like when I was younger. I dont know when a man says it, what does he expect to hear?!?!

And the thing is....after so much experience, a woman can never ask a man if he misses her, but a man is allowed. Believe me, when you start asking this Q, the man will find U annoying. haha....it's weird, but I have adapted to it now, and believe it's for my own good. Esp, women, if a man asks u if U miss him or not, it's just a polite way for him to say - He freaking misses u. :)

Mr Zagoor quoted Aristotle that when a man says in that second, he just means what he says. He was trying to say that when a man says something, it had no other meaning; however a woman isnt. haha. Well, I hereby refuted his quotes by telling him that, indeed, a man says A this second he means it. But he's allowed to change his mind to B in 5 sec, he always means it, but B is already very different from A. Believe me, I observe this far too long, when men change their minds, they are very honest and really mean it that moment - very singlemindedly. Only one straight line. However, men need to understand that, women are just adapted multi-dimensional. We recieve A this second, we think to ourselves, OK, we accept it.....then 5 sec later, B.....ummm.....OK. well, so we get confused in our head and after milenia, we have developed a mechanism always then ask men......so does it have any other underlining meaning behind it? We couldnt help to adapt & develop this reflect just to reduce our confusion. Women are highly adaptative. I am not sure if someone has done any research on it, I believe if we throw a man & a woman to an earth-life outerspace planet, I believe a woman could have higher chance to survive. It's not like the hollywood movie that men would rise to the occassion to save the mass.

hehe, I am not skeptical, maybe I am. But I just luv to refute or redefine some sayings.....truth is always truth, but interpretation could be wrong. :)

Friends Come & Gone

I appreciate, cherish friendship alot. But,

I am very fine with this frenz come N go thing, as this is part of life.

I do my utmost to keep my friendship, but

I will let them drift away from me when it's time

Today, this is how I feel

some frenz r not meant forever

and after some years, it's time to toast them away

Actually I feel good

gone, and more to come

yet, I feel they deserve me mentioning here

Cheerio, frenz. Luv xoxo