Well, I have been attending this chinese name-ology class, which I believe for the beginner grade, it would take me 10 years to complete. OK, let me explain why. I first started off 2-3 classes 3 years back, but I went to China to work so I stopped. Then, since I was back, they never re-opened the class until 2 months ago. Yet, we got 81 numbers to cover, and we are only upto maybe 15, while.....supposedly we go to class every week, yet, in order to meet every classmate or the master, we ended up going to the class maybe 1-2 a month.
Actually, this style suits me. I hate regularity.
OK, back to iLaz. haa. Frankly, I have been lazy with everything. I think things tired me out too much, life has disappointed me alot. Anyways, but the fact is I disappoint myself great deal. Maybe why I had this vision, yet I couldnt accomplish. My teachers once said I was a rocket, either stationary or I shoot up without anyone being to catch me. But....now....I feel I am worse than a bicycle, being ridden by someone who couldnt even ride a bike. just stumbling on.....~~~~~~
And in the class, I am mixed with a bunch of tradional chinese, I shud say HK chinese. I find chinese in mainland they are more open-minded than Hongkies. As I always say, china chinese are more liberal than Hongkies, so we are doomed, when we still think highly of ourselves. I once wanted to revolutionize with my limited wit & ability by maybe influencing one or two people around me.....hahahaha....but frankly, I stop, as I think we are doomed. I mean - hongkies.
This class has around 10+ classmates and most of them have studied quite a bit of chinese astrology or tarots or some sort like that. Well, me no....I am just a reader of stuff or learner of the world. And the way they talk - agitates me a great deal. Some couldnt accept homosexuality, when I wish I could be bisexual, U know. Some couldnt accept that I am not doing what I studied.......and asked if emotion affects my action. Heck, of coz emotion affects my action. I am not a robot. When I said - I think it's fine and I dont have regrets in my choices- they would then follow by saying "a person's biggest mistake is to think they have no problems...................." Then it seems I have turned into a child - as I ask stupid Qs like - why do you believe in tibetian and then wear a thai gods necklace, then practise chi-kung, then...etc etc. isnt it confusing? or I become someone who is ignorant on all these stuff.
truthfully - emotion affects me a great deal, ok, maybe I should take medication. And yes, i think being gay is fine, being bi is even superb but I am not, though I did pray I would, haha...more choices, U see. And yes, I dont observe alotta chinese things - like when someone's gambling, u should never pat someone's shoulder, and even I am studying numbers - I dun even observe much about numbers as I am insensitive to numbers, except the numbers on my iphone clock. I cant even count how many men I slept with, hehe.
And why I so dislike chinese ways - I luv chinese philosophy, but I mean the dogmatic chinese philosophy (just like - I like the idea of christianity or I should say I like the idea of the bible, and how from OT progresses to NT, but I dont like the dogmatic way some religious people -doctrined everything) - too much reprimand, too much donts. I hate the too much donts.
But, being me - I then think of the lessons why I am in this class (dont get me wrong, I dont hate my classmates - on the contrary I like the dynamic, as I could quietly observe and learn) - I feel it;s a humbling experience. Not becoz they are better - but more, I feel I am better, coz.....I have learnt in my life many things, this past 3 years have torured me - and I learnt the lessons.....so by putting myself into a group of these people - I feel I am humbled further. I should say - reminder of humility - it's not about the outward achievement, but I am more determinded to achieve my own inner nirvana. I am glad - one thing my character will never allow me to conform no matter how tortured I have become - the easiest way is to conform, frankly, but......I just dont have the much genes to do so.
Anyways, this entry isnt an entry to brag about myself, though, as if u follow me or read here sometimes, U know I like to brag anyways. But this entry is for my own reminder - I do have achieve something, but I cant be as eloquent as them, coz I never learnt those things from books or masters, but from myself within & from the world. :DDDD
And one thing I am proud about myself is that I dont mind losing face or even fail.....at times. And I dared to admit I am wrong and I fail now....isnt it more adult thing? :P
Anyways, have a good weekend everyone. Luvvvvvv Kissess.....
