One needs to experience it to un it

After roaming around the world for so many freaking years, many things I am yet to experience. Oh yes, in btw, we didnt die from that so-longing end of the world, I always thought something could have happened. Not in terms of tsunami type of things, but maybe spiritual enlightenment or ridding of stupid people or christian rapture wud be something cool and saliva-drooling events I wud wish to experience.

Shit, do we need to wait another eternity? Okies.

I didnt do surgery but I am still unwell. If after this week, it's not recovered, I think I could either have cancer or just something really wrong with my organs. Anyhow. But I could say, this sickness' orign is something I would never expect myself to experience.

First, I have collected over a year sadness from this rp. Nothing violent, but it's always in very melancholic mode. I still love or I shud say I loved this man very much depending from which angle I am looking at and it's first time I allowed myself to fall in love. Definitely, there were reasons how he cud win so utterly of me. No men did before but I hope more men afterwards.........hahahaha. Recently. We separated. Between words, he mentioned something, I felt it's a betrayal of trust. I think that worsens my sickness deeply......

When a person is utterly hurt, wounded.....the breathlessness that comes with it really makes my symptoms worse. So basically my whole system shut down. I couldnt blame its him, definitely, I was sick first. But the whole thing, plus my crying, and my coughing really caused every organ in the lowest modes ever in my life.

Second, stress from work. Frankly, I didnt feel that stressed but according to my doctors, it created too much imbalance in my life.

Third, my dogs. Few incidences, esp Shadow, the older dog really drove me nuts to a point that I told my family, I needed to get rid of her immediately. Then I re-examined.....honestly, she has spent all her life with me, loyal, no matter how crazy she is. I am her only love, parent, friend ever. It's my issues that I didnt spend much time with her, making her feel at ease not to so bratful. Anyways, of coz it was an impulse but I wudnt think about it anymore. It's not about cruelty, it is....when someone has been there for you, you dont get rid of so easily.

So in conclusion, my end 2012, early 2013.....it's a year of very exclusive experience. Frankly, 2012 was in general very very very damn boring year for me. But exclusively, I experienced some things that one needs to use the heart and body to experience to understand or know......

Certain matters we can learn from google, certain matter you need to learn from yourself.

Body and Emotion are still in recovery stage but I am hopeful for 2013. I am actually very excited for months to come though, definitely somewhat my Jan is a wasted cause. But lets the worst happens first then I can focus to enjoy the best moments.

Also, I think another reason why I would be so sick, as I have no where to vent or to share. it used to be here, but past 12 mths, here is a spy-on space so I couldnt say too much. Now. everything is clear, I am free, I guess. Definitely, I need to re-generate the kiddo side of me, as that inner child has grown up in pain, gosh, I hate this....I need to be reborn again. So, I will be seeing more things, visiting more places, meeting more pple......in hope, I could be an interesting person again.

Have a great weekend.

I may need to do surgery

oh, just went to doctor, seems I may need to be admitted to hospital
oh shits, I felt some swelling- up, just a little bit
kinda felt lonely, and understand why pple need to have husbands or wives
times like this, u know who is taking u to hospital or looking after ur dogs....

:(

A refresh review

Hi My Fiends, indeed, indeed, it's been way too long....my work has been giving me alotta no space. no time. It's HK...yes, cosmopolitan city....a city with high competition. Actually, to most HK people, they dont see mainland chinese intellectual to be our competitors, but to me, they are my number 1 competitor, meaning they could take over my job easily if they are just twice as smart as me, and believe me....with 1.4 Billion of pple as backup, people who have much more intelligence, integrity, ability, capacity, capability....are MANY MANY!! 

I have said...even when I was on my own, making peanuts yearly for 3 years....I said to my frenz, one day as U realize why U got no job, U wud blame on society or bad boss or bad luck...and as U look at me, how come this cageless birdie is still thriving.....U will then remember what I said, coz.....U only look at now, not taking my words into heart! Hence, U will lose, though I may not win it all, but at least I wont fall.

OK, sorry, my narcissistic behaviour is kinda oozing outta the cocoon again. Well, I have some reflection I want to share. I met this guy 2 years ago, during my most pathetic poor state...as I still recalled, he said to me, I am the smartest most confident person he has ever met in his life. Despite, frankly, he saw many of my inferior side or no confidence side.....just yesterday, he re-mentioned again. And I have to say...this time, I have some slight interpretation I want to talk about.

Confidence isnt my main suit....I have never ever had confidence in my life since birth. As I think I analysed my childhood couples of times here.....I had my share of confidence depleting society and family around me....frankly, I envisioned to be an astronaut, or something equivalent to Einstein. But how come people say I am a confident person?? I could never understand myself, but somehow....I think I have an alternate brain compared to others. Definitely I am a well-above average intelligent person, but one thing I stand out from the crowd is that, I see the world differently than most pple. I never follow the norm opinion not becoz they are wrong, but becoz the world doesnt construct from a singular timeline...from my perspective....people, humans, shud always look things not at focal point (the perceived focal point anyways), but rather....the bigger line of the event. And also, I think I rarely jump into conclusion (though lately my busy worklife has made me jumped too much conclusion maybe about pple or events....)....about anythig, so people perceived me as slow....haha

So m,y fabulous side is....I dont really care if pple think I am slow or fast. OK, people wud stop me and say, only confident person can say such and such as above. No, I dont think so, but rather I think I am a very fair and just person. OK, why do we have to give praise to others if they do good, and we can be stingy on my good deeds? If I cant be fair to myself, how can I be fair to others. So....I can then conclude, if U r those who dont see your good deeds but could only make a point (MAKE A POINT) to praise other good deeds, then definitely, U r kinda a hypocrite.....anyways, hope you can follow what I am saying!!!

So to conclude, I am not a confident person, but I am a honest analyst of personality including myself.

OK, today, I met with my life analyst.....I know it's going to be a good year for me next year, and so he confirms. And the points he makes me take heed...I will, as somewhat if the universe gives him a message to pass to me, to remind me, I dont see any harm not to take care about, esp abt my success, abt my life & health. I am excited for next year, and definitely for the 3rd time, he reminded me I should write a book, despite my ideas may not be useful for this gen, very likely it cud be for next gen....:P, OK....I will, and I should....do that!!!

Just, I need a computer..........................hahahahaha

So how's everyone? I hope U r excited to the date of end of the world approaching. Somehow....the peace of this last week is kinda strange. Maybe somewhat I already cut myself out of this worldly system...yet, I am excited about the 21st Dec, wud it be.....just simply enlightenment? Or just.......simply change of North & South Pole, with My Milky Way coming closer than ever?

Anyhows, lets re-chat when this day finally arrives. While, in btw, love your love, and hate ur hate all the way................for this final date!

why I am so different....?

I hv been thinking....at times, I want to change people, make them smarter, make them more aware & alert.....yet, lately I thought, maybe their intelligent level is quite bad....hahahaha....I always think pple r stupider, or I see pple bad points by impression like terminator with a screen in front of me...

But after scanning the bads, I try to just view the goods....coz I am extreme person, I see the best bad, and the best good. Anyhows........

I come to a final conclusion.....it is indeed genetic. I never want to believe it's gene-related, I would prefer a non-predestined notion towards life...so it gives us, human, a purpose to strive, to be better, to excel, to learn from ground up, to be humble, to be arrogant, to be kind and at the same time to be assholes & bitches. But....I possess all the above points - yet, most pple on this earth is just indeed a mediocre, ordinary, coming from a common pool of genome. I wish...no...I dreamt, I had such a dream when I was in teens before all the matrix movies stuff....I dreamt of re-cycling useless human beings, I saw a leader and I was one of the team leader (as I was standing in front of the line). Anyhow, I feel puzzled...at times.....why I am so island from others? I know where they are stupid at, and I wonder at times....if I am indeed that smart, or I indeed have such high level of awareness or I dont live on this earth, at least my conscience.....

Not sure if I make sense, but.....I think.....I finally gradually accept, I am indeed very different, isolated being from the rest....

Summer.......is tiring me out

I always hate summer......it's sticky, sweaty,....rain.sun

i belong to vampire world, dark and breezy

didnt write for a while, I think

my mood has been stale

no nothing, somewhat........

work is crazy, as usual

I had few days off but I took sickie today

as I just want to escape

from reality

It's terrible, I know

but I just need to escape.....once in a while

I guess, this trip I didnt go by myself

I went with a fren

it suffocated me

now I started to understand

I cant indeed go on trip with anyone, if we sleep in same room

 

I will need days to recover this effect

I dun mean I would feel this with my bf or something

coz with a bf, I can be myself

I can tell him I want to go to this shopping mall or do massage......while U sit in the pool checking out hotties in tiny bikinis

I now could un....I am no woman's frenz....

I cant be.....

it's too much for me.....

I dont mind taking care of people, but I dont like at same time

when....I just want to sit in the hotel room doing nothing daydreaming

to me, that's rest, that's vacation

 

shopping in bangkok of coz is wonderful

but I just realize I didnt actual;ly buy anything....substantial

except....a pc, a blanket, very very cheap, hand knitted by peasants......

 

what the fuck wrong is my problem???? Am I such loner or self absorbed bitch?
guess I am both
and guess I am destined to be alone......shits...
how daunting is this notion!?!?!

At times I have become a zombie

I have been so busy that somewhat I have turned into a zombie, a zombie who doesnt know what she eats, where she sleeps...............working is zombie-like too, continuously tackling pbs....I dont even remember where I talk to a real person for real, yes hence not much update here. Not that I dont see people, I see.....but I feel it's not me talking. I know reasons, apart from busy, it's my metamorphosis state......I was shattered somehow sometime ago, I think I am finding a cocoon to hide myself or I am trying to numb myself from something, maybe pain, maybe reality......this is my process....I numb, I numb.....days after days, weeks after weeks....then gradually, I become cold....I like to be cold as it's the best mechanism.....think abt it, die in cold or die in heat better? I also cant say, I am afraid of both actually.....but I hv thought about it lately. Dying in fire must be too pain but usually may last 5-10 mins? Cold cud be longer....rite? The chilling pain isnt something we are accustomed to. Anyways, I am afraid of such pains and death.

So, I must start....yes the other blog, which I have delayed again and again. My excuses? Too busy? Too tired? Actually....the real reason is my yhome is in a mess and I need another computer. hahahahaha.........or tab. Yes I got no ipad, no tab......I have delayed getting it, somehow even I know I will need one, as I need to have sthg next to me continuously for me to pick up my ass to work. But, nowadays, apart from my work, I just got my bed and TV. I hate it all.

And every morning when I leave home and back to the office like now, I feel melancholic, as I realised I didnt look at my darling dog eyes alot lately. I didnt even play w her. I just feed her. Oh yes, this reminds me I need to buy them food.......arghhhh.......

Anyways, yes I am moody. Sorry....it's gonna be for a while again. It doesnt seem I am outta the wood. ever.

Being in Love

Nothing beats being in love.....coz it's filled with all ingredients I love. So intensely.

Sexing, Feeling, Talking, Looking, Adoring, Kissing, Texting, Sexting, PornoSnap-ing, Nudity-ing,..........Smiling, Laughing, Crying, even Pain-ing.

But........it doesnt have to be with a man only. When I look at my dog, Lottie, everyday, I fall in love with her again and again.......her huge eyes parked with her ugly face, the whole thing is just one word - ADORABLE.

Guess, everything is a net. Never put all fish in one net. Even love.....love vicariously to...if possible, as many people as possible, and as vast field as possible. Sorry, I am not a single devoted person. I always need some form of distraction. Though......I dont want others to do it on me.

So, yes I am an assy bitch. But today, maybe there's sun.....I feel in love. so much in luv.

Double Expresso

It's been second day I am breathing on caffeine. I couldnt have a space to think, then I have been chased from all sides. I remember.....I used to be very aggressive.....very devoted....always cud find ways to solve issues. But this time.....this co.....I feel dead with them.

My head is filling being pounded by all sides.......today, after long time recovery, I feel I want to fork myself with a real sharp fork. OK, sorry....as I repeated, this is my space, I can pollute the world anyhow I want. I dont need anyone to console me.....coz today I indeed feel out of breath. My liver toxin has been rising and I am upset that......things r rushing in like tsunami. Then......I am alone. U know. I am alone during holiday.........I was always OK to be alone, these 2 weeks were bad. 

Managing and handling loneliness and aloneness take long process and time. I did it most of the time but at times, cant I just fucking admit that I couldnt manage and handle anymore????? I dont want Mr A or B or C, tom button or jude carey. I want to be with someone who is out of the world.....haha....maybe who can indeed see me.

OK, OK...I have high expectation but so fucking what!? Why cant I have expectation? Which shit school of thoughts say we shall not expect? Damn ass idiot....I hate this no expectancy thing. Tell me, why U dont kill urslef now, rite now if you dont have hopes or dreams?! Why cant I dream? Why cant I have hopes? 

I seriously seriously need a break. I seriously and humanly benefiting the whole world.....Ineed a break. I need to go away, a trip to breathe fresh air, instead of breathing in expresso. I am like a dead soul who was once thriving!!! Shit, I hate this feeling......I want to stop whining so I can start living. renew my dream, god, renew my soul my souldust. I am gonna be dead from expresso.......

today isnt a good day so I vent

haha, I am crying at office....long time never did, and never really cried much, or maybe I cried too much. I have some epiphany. Of coz I am crying not coz someone scolded me or something. I think on some level, I feel really hurt by something....maybe it's just a trigger, but then snowballed from something knotted from the past, it's like uncontrollable.

Yesterday, I had this idea.....I am indeed hving some form of superwoman spirit. I want to save the world......or be nice.....or change people....I once did fantasise its my role on earth. However, even though my own metamorphosis has been pretty drastic, I always feel I am not perfected enough....I dont hv the skill to do it. So I decided .... maybe by influencing others in little ways, I could make the world better. Just by changing pple mindset....in little ways, maybe I could change the world's thinking system. So I am seriously quite dedicted to do it. Maybe abit on blog, abit on FB, abit on close encounters......etc etc.

Then, sometimes I feel pple who are close to me, at the end somewhat.....I know they have changed. Chnaged to better, maybe stronger......my ex-es....all same...I let them go from my palms once I know they r in their own frame, the rite direction. Not that I will lead them, but more...sometimes a step better makes life slightly easier. Actually one at times had anxiety attack.....I was there. Then another one, becoming more intune with himself, etc etc. Though, I am a nutcase.....I sometimes want someone to be there to see the best in me and to indeed uncover it......Yet....all of them appreciate me with negative comments....all wud say I am arrogant, insensitive, impatient, crazy, imbalance.........at the end

I think I have always carried such wounds w me....I mean I am not a saint, yes I am indeed all of the comments they comment about me.....hhahahaa....but I wudnt expect that as parting gifts.

And yes about yesterday.............I did my own little angel work by interviewing 2 little galz. I have so much compassion for people...I dunno...how I wish they could be all under my wings so I can help them according to each personality. I indeed want to raise a sharp army somewhat....anyways, at the end, one said...(esp the one I said...sorry, this jobs doesnt suit u),,,,thank you so much as no one has been so nice in interview and thanks for sharing with me your view and suggestion.

Guess at times, certain things are destined, then it's destiny.

Anyhow, yes I am just bullshitting. It's absolutely boring......sorry.

WorkLife

I have been working daily.......since last Sunday........so including next 5 days of the week, I could say I have been working nonstop 14 days......Well, I have no complaint though. Anyways, I realize I am an aggressive person with responsible mindset together with the attitiude on disgusting with "rework" - I hence rather work like a slave. And by achieving, it will soon give me the room to run the side projects I want.....And by reminding myself daily.....I am happily as if sleeping on a cloud. 

OK, back to work......and hope to catch you all soon!!!!!

In btw, I hv watched over 10 movies last week.....even I didnt hv enough sleep. I hope you could find the pleasure or hobbies that U wud rather go without sleep for. For me, I know what!

sex, work and movies

:)

it has been a stressful week

when I am lying in my bed, my dog is sitting in a position kinda like sleeping, checking out what I am doing. Such times like this, I feel in awe, as how could I establish such an intimate relationship with an animal, yet....maybe I cudnt hv such long lasting rp?? Such serene rp with another human. It's an interesting thought.....

Yes, a stressful week it has been. Some nites, worked till MN, just went to work on a Sunday......lack of sleep and cud only rely on massage to relieve muscle pain.....But I am still investing too much time watching movies, yes I would rather sleep less but keep watching movies. One of the movies I did - The Way. I mean seriously it's a boring movie, about the St James Way, that I did talk about some time ago. And this Camino path has been written about by Paulo Coelho, and another actress whose name kinda slipped my mind, maybe SHirley Mcclaine or sthg....cudnt recall.

I remember, during mid last year, when my suicidal tendency was at another peak, I did try to drive myself to set up a 2 year goal...which wud be, I wud go there. I reckoned....I didnt really want to die but then at that moment, all was pressing until I heard voices in my head. And then of coz, according to medium (a fren's mom in law is one, who did me a favor to read me from afar).......I got 3 spirits attached to me. Anyways....another story........but in order to survive, I made myself to read, to distract myself....and then I made this goal to walk 1 month journey. Until now, I havnt given this thought.....and I am hopeing, my strategy, my plan, my working hard on many things is somehow paying me off by sending me there....or somehow, a spiritual guide wud force me.

Ultimately, I think I want to choose to walk there coz I want to experience true spirituality....or maybe....some form of exertion to my being wud push me to another level. I went through a stage....and I want to go to another stage. Suffering, challenges, success, learnings....are my addiction! I need to constantly have some form of understanding of something.....I guess if I dont have this euphoric feeling of an experience or something, I wudnt be able to keep writing.....now, its hitting 600 entries soon, and lets not forget I have another blog, a personal one that is ard 500 entries, all done within 1.5 to 2 yrs time. The 500 pcs were written within 6 mths......hehe, I am crazy, and I wont deny it. I am obssessive but mostly abouyt myself only. I am not very obsessed with other people.....so maybe some pple feel I am cold and distant....

anyways.................

I am not complaining of stressing out at work, I am actually grateful. I am grateful.......I can now buy coffee anytime I want or choose, I am grateful I have dogs, I have people who would read me here even I may not know who you are, and then I have good frenz, sis and mom who luv gossip with me, and then I do have someone who luv me but we kinda cant be together, then....I have my fingers to type, my brain cells are still pretty active in synapsing.........

Then, as I look ard pple, I dont understand we are always so childish, complaining about everything, about life, about this n that........i am working hard to obtain another spirit, another sentiment that is higher than the famous ah Q in chinese literature......frankly, I hv been living like ah Q 80% of my time.....so I am exploring how I cud be at another level higher than ah Q

anyways.........................................how's everyone?? I hope at times U feel I pollute ur brains with my words in funny ways, or at times U just feel encouraged and inspired all kinda bullshits I have been saying.

Have a great week, and I hope.....i can write soon .

Love & Mission to evolutionary psychology

On Sunday, I met up with my life-path "theorist" or should I say fortune teller.....I prefer not to use the latter, as he's not really that! More, if you believe in matrix of energy of the past and future, then, he's just receiving some signal from the clouds of info....hehe, I make it sound more voodoo....but he's based on I Ching to make some calculation.

We met roughly once a year, and if I encounter difficult Qs, I would call him to make some calculation for me. I wont say it's accurate or not.....but through calculation, I gotta say, he taps into my brain more than anyone. In a word, I wud say - based on calculation, he understands my brain and my character way better than others, yet.....he couldnt predict or experience my behaviour. 

Also, everytime, we wud talk abt spiritual stuff........from brainwave, to ESP to this time evolutionary psychology (EP). Could I say it's spiritual stuff? not really as they are all a form of science, depending where U r looking at. So this time, we touched on the subject of love......and frankly, he has shaken my head a little. I always look at human nature, infidelity.....from caveman's perspectives.....and this time he exbounce more using EP. At first, he kept using caveman scenario........then next is about socrates, plato....or even SunZi, then back to one's mission with the one's companion....to family to lovers to...the BIG question, what is Love??

At first glance, I thought he kept encouraging me to write a book. haha.....but after one nite of hving my subconscious brain-chatting, somewhat......I am getting a glimpse what he was trying to say or what his soul was saying to me. Well, very hard to describe....maybe U can date me to talk about it, haha.....nah...well, in conclusion what he was saying.....love is hormone and I need a war buddy.

So, ok.....I am fine-tuning......actually, he kinda encourages me to develop a philosophy...of something....dawnism? 

I like it, when someone makes me think outside of my brain wave.......making me learn something different, new term, new theory....etc.....

Gotta go bk to work. Have a fabulous Monday......!!

Skill Sets of Big firm

I did once wanted to join FMCG companies, as .... hehe....I could dress like an executive, in cute glossy glam outfits, but after last 3 yrs of experience, I have dropped this idea. I think pple who would in such firms.....they just like to blah....so from 1 million blahs then cascade down to smaller blahs......in btw, there are many do's but just many blahs......

I am glad.....I can plan and act at the same time, in a small co. Even I have to do the most tedious thing......but I believe one thing, if I even know those little things, I will bypass many in very short time. (though I just gotta work w those big firm pple....super annoying)

I am keeping my ah Q mode!

Valentine's

it's been years I am alone during such a romantic-supposedly time & date, seeing bouquets of flowers passing me by in mtr, on streets, that reminds me of....oh today is 14Feb. I wonder, how many bouquets really picked carefully by the guy, and also at the same time how many bunch he picks for how many different galz, and vice versa - how many bouquets r at the gal's desk. Anyways, such day is worse to get flowers, expensive and un-pretty......

I get frustrated and totally blinded with anger when someone says I complain about life alot. Do I? Have I? if U read here or better still if U hv my FB. This is my world, I speak my mind.....I frankly dont think I complaint alot, but yes I do complain, however, I always want to let the world or pple know that there's a way out, no matter how suicidal I am always.....

Whatever shits I am going thru, I always thank for the experience.....met bad pple, I thanked god for smartening up me......got bad result, I thanked for not giving me just pure luck so I gotta learn hard way.....i dont complain abt life becoz I luv complicated life, complicated beings, without such, life is boring. Stable life isnt for me......

Yah...sollie, just want to complain, hahahahahah

my real 2012

My real 2012 starts in Feb.....Jan was abit of lost and loss. I feel I have regained my consciousness now...in feb....i even had dreams about my jobs, to me it's good sign, means i am thinking. I want to do good, becoz this job is so flexible and I dont need to socialize w company.,...:P very entrepreneurial styple of working....all I need is to get things done w limited budgets u hv. I need to rewatch Donald Trump's apprentice, I find the earliest ones inspire me alot to think laterally........

:D so I am happy, I feel delighted......

OK, that linkedin dude buzzed me again....didnt i already say I wudnt meet him?? why men r like this? U ignore them, they wud say - "so baby, plz tell me, do u want me to forget you?!" kakaaka....I said, yes, pls forget me. crazy people...........................!!!!!!!!!

A Stuck Mind

After 3 years of working alone at home without talking to anyone, I am now rejoining the workforce! But......I am still talking to myself!!!!! I have to think through all strategies, activities, details to training...BY MYSELF. Now, my mind is stuck and I am fucking bored..............I like what I am doing but without connecting w anyone without brainstorming - my mind is basically stagnant.

I need panadol.

I did a little evaluation today

Many men said I was too serious.....yet, in the very beginning, they liked my nonsense mind, filled w crazy ideas thoughts, intense conversation.......also my adorable demeanour. Yet, after a while, people would put what you think is merit and repackage to sound as if it's  something bad. I often wonder, am I that serious? Am I that intense? Maybe, but I dont see anything wrong in that! The funny thing is.....I am a legless bird, I always look for ground, frankly - I am always dead serious about it. Then, I think many r attracted by my thoughts, deep Inquisition about life, humans.....but always in such, you flip the coin - really depends which side U think is better.

I think it's time....to know maybe this person doesnt indeed embrace you as much as u think they do. Or maybe we dont love or adore each other as much to a point that we can accept each inadequacy anymore. one thing led to another. It's saddening to know, it takes long time to break a seed open, u water it, and wish it would grow.....then, u realize U were dreaming it was growing and actually it actually didnt even sprout. Maybe it's how it is......

Then,next, I am fortunate enough to be a modern woman, a woman living in this free city whereby I am not bound by any traditional rules. I could date anyone I want, I could work any job I want, I could make any frenz I want, I could shag anyone I want or I could breakup/divorce anyone I want. No one would officially lawfully have the rights to stone me!

So my conclusion is....I am crazily serious and seriously crazy! U can love me or U can hate me, and it doesnt make much difference to me when I die. If things r not meant to be, it will go into the river of forgetfulness, gradually things will fade away, memories will be diluted; then other things will be renewed and reborn through this river. Strangely, from same river.....ie river of life or cycle of sucks?! :)

Anyhow, I am not depressed....not moody....not even melancholic. I think I am just realizing something and I am not going to fight against it anymore.

I feel....

Supposedly, things should be better this year.....but soaking in such mood, waiting, expecting mode......make me realize I let almost 1st month drain me by. Some things r really a waste of time..........I need to re-strategize about my life. Reshuffle.....my heart.....which shud be given more. Women r at times really fucking idiots, I am defintely the most idiotic idiot. Grrrr...........

thanks! :)

Something I shud be proud of

dont you think....I should be proud of myself!?!? After....1.5 yr, I am still writing at least min 1 entry per week here about stuff, about bullshits, about myself. My mind must be so rubbish yet shining. Till now, I dont even care much if my frenz read, and I know at least 2 would.....and then some othe readers from all over the globe...not many...I am not a celeb, but I appreciate ur support that makes me feel, I shudnt never leave a week to zero entry!!!! And you should be proud too, as you have the patience to hear an old fark pretty gal bullshitting too much always....just keep on blaaaa....

Pple say, sex, love make a person vigilant and looking young, and I think hving the ability to just simply polluting the world could be one way too. At least for me, it is....I must write more to keep my youthful look. hahahahaa

kidding, love u all. ^^

Looking Back

This is one of those mornings, I got up and thought of the many mistakes I made during this year and some time ago. I usually did it every few days in the past, now I do it collectively in one go. I am facing some consequences and maybe doing it now in beginning of Dec is good, so kinda - I could set some resolution end of this month. I have been waiting for 2012 to arrive since dunno-when, yes I am always intrigued by weird stuff....and Mayan calendar has been the topic btw some frenz, eg Bruce since many yrs ago.

I think I always thought, by the time 2012, I would already visit Peru and be transported away from earth, haha. Or it;s already end of time and rapture is taking place, blaaaa.

Mistakes, well....some of the mistakes I made were due to ignorance. Maybe people say I am an impulsive person....yea, maybe, so I made some mistakes. But many were committed due to my emotional state. Somewhere I heard, some women would take testosterones to cure their fluctuating emotion, and I always think maybe ie what I need. hehe.

Lately. I have been wishing abit if only I could be more like my frenz & family, then if that's the case, my life should be less turmoil (maybe). Or if I didnt rely on so much of my decision making skills, guess....I wouldnt be alone now. Or, if I did this or that, I would be a more successful person, etc.

This year is esperically obvious. I have been affected by stuff that basically handicap my every move, and frankly-----for someone who rarely exercise regrets, I feel abit regretful. so this morning, when I got up, I started analysising......the mistake I made couple of months ago, nothing big....but it may affect my fren, so what I am going to do is to take all responsibility, and that's my decision. I need my soul to be restful - despite she made half of the mistakes too, yet, people never think they have done anything wrong.....yet, I need to have clear conscience - and honestly ultimately one day I analyse myself I wud think by my doing it is an act of impulse. But I need it to be out of my head as fast as possible.

Then beginning of the year, I trusted someone - actually I havent thought about it for a while.....and it affected me abit only....as I didnt tell that person to go to hell, rather, I blessed him - may his con find his way back to him one day, U reap what U sow. So I wonder.....if I did sow something bad in the past too, hehe.

All these are not really committed due to impulse, rather coz of ignorance....not understanding something well enough....so I must put this in my head today to take heed of the lessons.

Of coz then.....some romances, and bla.....I find men do affect my emotional state alot. Maybe, as many say I am a floating person, many a times I would hope to be grounded somewhere...as pple say, to rest. Yet, I think it's not the case, so I must learn to more compartmentalize myself. It's something I forsake it for some time........

I am not moody but surely I am not in good mood. Scratching out mistakes is quite tough to the soul, but I must find ways to untie it one by one so I could be set free and I need to be free......As I do hope by the time this blog hit maybe 600 entries, or something....I could say wow, I am a free bird now....haha, flying....I doubt it wud happen by 600, but then it's a nice target, achievable and soon. :)

Have a good weekend.