Clearly....

I'm experiencing melancholic depression!! I'm depressed! I refuse to go home after work! I refuse to sleep! I refuse to care!!! Yet - I want to just stay home, I just want to sleep without waking up, and I just want to bother, to b obsessed with things I don't need to care!!! So, I know I'm hving a spring depression!!! I'm hungry to a pt I have terrible gastric pain yet I can't really eat! I don't remember what I put in my mouth!! No wonder my intestine is also complaining with strikes!! With blows! Why am I complaining!? It sucks! I want to crack some jokes here but my mind is clouded!! I can't crack a joke! Sorry! Later maybe if u care! Going round and round!! I don't want to go home as I'm afraid I may see my dog dead! Yes my old dog shadow seems abit slow, moody, tired.......I'm afraid she will die! I already rehearse in my head - I'm bk there, she doesn't come to greet me and then I check - oh no warmth, just frozen! N I'm going to call my sis and start crying - what shud I do with the body!? Shud I keep in fridge before sb cud pick up the corpse!? Or shud I act like my patents!? Just chucked our dead animal in a plastic bag and put in rubbish bin!! It's how old gen deals w dead animals!! So what shud I do!? Pple say I'm logical - actually no I'm just quite unnecessarily intellectual or dreamie - I like yo think of all possibilities and then rehearse in my head how I shud react or act!!! Anyways I will see if she's dead or not in 20 mins.... Sorry! My mind is clOuded!!

No credit love affair

When you work, U want to get good pay and good praise, so U try harder and harder to please.......
hence, I hope I can quickllllllyyyyy get some biz off the ground asap, so I can quit on bosses again.
I guess, maybe ie what I need to learn, to be more focuzed more determinded.
these cud be my 2012 lessons.....after the 3 years darkest period

So, when we work, we want credit.

At home, whether u r stay home wife/husband or....U r the bread winner
U want merits too. U want to come home with a warmest smile and welcome
ideally, ur stayhome spouse or even maid wud welcome u with a bowl of hot stuff in winter, or a plate of ice-cream in summer......or if u care about weight, then a cascades of assorted fruits would be lovely.
Yet, it seems....all these only occur in movies or family tv., haha...my mom even wasnt so nice considering she was in a past conservative era

Yes, we toil, coz we want credit.

In love, even more. We love, We give, We tolerate.......we toil, we sweat (in bed or just running ard), we care.....then we cry, we try, we understand.......then, we pain, we luv, we toil once again.......dont u feel, U always have regrets in luv?!?! Who has ever said they got no regrets in any one love affair?!?! Either we regret we give too much or we give too less. The funny thing is....usually the real credits come after 2 are apart.....but that credits still mean anything at all?!?!?! Actually......according to my experience, it just feeds into my arrogance and on the other hand feed into my melancholy. So why love, when it seems credits are so stingily offered.......why humans r so mean to that person they love many a time? Or actually.....we dont really luv so we r stingy!?!?!

So, yes we luv coz we want credit.

Ultimately, humans live to earn credits, hence credit cards......appear, it's like someone telling u, without U actually earning it, we give u credits as WE TRUST THAT U WILL EARN THIS CREDIT!!! I dont use credit cards anymore, as I find it's such an evil genius. But think about it....this world move faster than b4........in some ways, I think credit cards have a role in it, as it pushes pple to work to use their mind more....on how to earn more credits.....

A Sunny Sunday

My mind is being taken to another plane from not far from the earth level. I think it's why I cant see clearly, the big picture, maybe I just refuse to float, to fly. Frankly, I am going to be very dark next couple of weeks, I will allow myself to continue to be depressed, miserable until....ok, target bday. Oh by the way, I have got a bday party plan already, abit less usual....still, just an excuse to gather frenz. Maybe some part, I will need Bruce to help, afterall he's the dark knight. :))

I really think I need to re-focus and its not something I was born with. Since young, my mind is like a waterfall.....just keep flowing w both genius and dumbest ideas. At one stage, by focusing on just books were a great, books cud be a good tool to train my mind. Now, I will need to force-train my mind again. And I cant think of how yet........guess it needs some form of combination locks.

Last week, I almost had episodes of strokes and heart attacks. It was a bad week, everyday some bad things happen....it was quite scary actually. And I just have maybe 10 hrs to clear my head, to re-stand once again.

I guess, I am quite tired now being alone and lonely. It's not a nice feeling anymore....it used to give me a sense of existence, now it just offers me drag. So.......I hope I can write more to describe something...yes something....what;s that something , I got no idea!!

I guess, at the end of the day.....maybe my frenz, maybe U here....after some years, and they come to tell me, hey gal, U have changed......to something....something.....I dont think a person needs to change to better for the world, maybe that change cud be worse for the world, yet.....if u change, u change it better for yourself (as in my case for myself)......it's a self merit.

Anyways, at this moment, my mind is very clouded. And I feel bloated too.....I need go to shit hopefully no more toxins in my body to further clouding my already clouded mind.