Keeping Score for suicidal tendency

It drops from at the very beginning I started the blog 80 to now 40. I think it's a good sign. I started re-arranging my furniture.

I had a feng shui master to check out my place when I first moved in and I am now against all that she advised me. I put the desk at the wrong "feng shui" place now. I reckon, it didnt help when I was putting at the right place, it would be BETTER to put it at the wrong place. I am someone who will mend things that are not even broken yet.

I started swimming, jogging this week. Plus walking my dogs twice. It is a super improvement. Also, I went out during the day to fetch some salad. I think I am on the right path soon.

Yes things are still bothering me. I still couldnt sleep. Like now, I couldnt, it's already 4:42am. If ever I slept before 3 or 4 am, I could always miracalously woken up by my dogs playing poos or having a mock-up drama in my dreams.

I guess, I wont try to change this pattern. I am going to play along with it. Work at wee hours, writing blogs when everyone is sleeping, walking my dogs even streets are deserted.

But, I saw a funny picture when I went out just now. I saw a family carrying a huge "red-white-blue" bag, I think, they are escaping, they are evacuating from their current flat. Who would go with so many luggages at 3am?!!??? Maybe they are actually ghosts!

cultures affects suicidal methodology

Do you find that lately many people commit suicide. I saw 2 cases around my neighbourhood. I didnt see the action but the covered cloth over the bodies though.

Then, I read from a news about several korean stars committing suicide and I found a strange phenomenon. I could be wrong, but lets try to dissect it from a cultural or behavioural perspectives.

Lets just talk about celeb suicide as it reflects the macroscopic pattern of the population.

In US, the most you hear would be overdose and gunshots.

In HK, jumping & gas suoffocation (not sure of the correct terminology) 

I suspect Japan would be similar as HK, though I know nothing much about JP celeb, or maybe they rarely kill themselves.

In Korea, hanging. (http://www.hancinema.net/factbox--chronology-of-south-korean-celebrity-suicides-24040.html)

US - it shows how abused people are on drugs or medication. Lets blame it on FDA. I dislike FDA becoz they would almost never pass any alternative therapy such as herbal medicine for curing people ailments. I suspect if not 100%, it would be 70% americans are on some sorta medication. People are so "lied" by the so called modernization such as western medicine. Anything is a fast fix just like fast food chains covering the whole continent - Mcdonalds, KFC, Wendys.....

And of coz, everyone could have a gun over there is just obvious choice for killing oneself. And in the first place of having a gun is to protect oneself. It goes back to how much self denial this nation may be facing.

HK - Leslei Cheung HK beloved star killed himself by jumping off from Madarin Hotel. And some others too. I am not sure why people want to jump. I guess they believe it's the surely winning way to die. It talks about the praticality of Hong Kong people. And SPEED too. However, I also feel they have a revenge feeling to it. It's kind of like a display. Showing your everything to everyone. I believe those who choose this way to die has some revenge thing going on while I suspect, only speculate, that it's very likely they have someone in mind that they hate alot. HK people are not happy people. We are always crammed in a small physical or personal space setting. Would they feel more free to choose this way? I dont know, really.

 

By gas suffocation, I think those who choose this way coz they got  so depressed to a point that to them, there's no way out  A crammed situation magnifies this. And of coz the many many incidents of people who manage to kill themselves in the newspaper everyday. Though, I suspect, they didnt actually want to die - they could be very well hoping that someone would have opened the door to air the area.

In KR, very very oddly, it seems like most of them hang themselves. I wonder why. Would it be becoz they are so insecure that they need to do it at home? Are koreans insecure people? Or just becoz they so uplift the family values? I suspect both. However, from the link above, I feel KR people may be very alone. They are an island, with rising recognition. Honestly, this is a lonely feeling becoz U are not here or there (ie not japan, but also not africa). I believe it will take time for them to adjust, to find their position.

Apologize if my views are disturbing or inaccurate as I didnt do this based on research. But more like a thought driving me to think of these. 

Suicide

I saw a news about this Korean star hanging himself. It took me to some trance. What if, I could do the same. It took me to remember some of the ways people who committed suicide.

Yeah, I may not show this blog to anyone. It's just so saddening some points.

I have lost my way. I am not sure how to find my way back again. Everything seems so far and distant. I dont want to see anyone anymore. I dont even want to take care of my dogs. They only give me more chaos in my life. I just want to cut myself off from this life. It';s not about having a difficult life. It's about being hopeless, strengthless, happyless............too lonesome to be alone, to have no one to see you through. Not talking about a bf. Having a bf, esp the useless kinds only add on more sad outcomes for you. There's no fond memory to cling on to miss someone. There's no triumph moment to remember by that to believe you could make it through. There's ONLY memory that I cant have. It's horrible.

Looking out to the window. Wondering what I would be thinking before I hit the ground.

I think it's the mose lonesome feeling when you try to take your life. That moment of desperation, leaving what you think you love but you cant handle anymore. The weeping within. The tears without. The clarity coming out from confusion has helped one make the final step.