Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.
Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.
Yes I could have options.
1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.
2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.
I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!
Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.
Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.
All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................
How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.
I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.
Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................
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