Abit Lonely

I tried to clean my house

I tried to do different things

Today

but I kinda feel like crying at this second

Maybe the songs from Muse

somehow, it stirs my heart - maybe it's the piano.

Maybe now, it's night time

The paradox that I am in

(I somehow sound like a schizophrenic person, haha)

I am so 100% OK with being alone or lonely

actually who can be OK with lonely?

I think I am ok with aloneness totally.

However, when there was a split moment of being NOT

that moment was so magical that kinda scared me for life

maybe took a part of my strength to withstand loneliness away

maybe it's a good thing so I dont think I am indeed a superwoman

So I want to cry now

no tears, just abit tearful only, no tears drop though

Just some feeling well-up

maybe it's my bday, but I also dont really care about bday much

but such damn day does make you reflect alittle

Maybe I wish I could miss someone at this day

yet I got no one to miss

Ai, I will be fine tmr....a new day

I always use alotta time to think the day before my bday

as it's the most sacred day for me since it's the last day of this year of age

Moving on to the next year of age is.........I still hv 365 days

I think....my next 365 days will be fabulous

magical

filled with GOOD surprises

I wish you all who read here have all the blessings too. 

LUV

Friendship

As I mentioned many times, I am so blessed with many good frenz, who are genuine and smart. Ie why I like in people. And I did some silly thing, haha, I posted this on FB. actually I really like it as I am not shy about it. But then, people who like me may find me adorable....others may find me crazy. And I think.....I should keep this adorability to myself & people who like me only. I think they would think I am single & lonely. Yea, in some part physically it's true, but emotionally & spiritually, I really dont think so at all. Yes, I do feel lonely at times, but I am used to it, and I dont mind loneliness too - kinda cool at times. I think I am not forced to be alone, I prefer this way most of the time. I did say I wanted a companion - but it's more like....one day in the future. Now, I just want to enjoy my time, look after my dogs, find out more what I can achieve in life, read & study more on some subjects I find intrigued in. I think when I was in my early 20, my frenz already commented that I would be a loner, and it's true. I kinda feel like I am a nomad - moving on & on to another destination - myself, house or even frenz, yet I bring the best parts (of frenz) with me. 

My teacher once said, best & great frenz could (only) be found in high school or when young. I think he meant that when we grow/grew up, it's hard to find good & genuine frenz in this materialistic reality. I always want to tell him he's wrong, actually I got no high school best fren (except one - since she's as weird as me, haha, she wud request me to remove this - I luv UUUUU) and I got more best frenz when I am growing up. or now I am OLD.

However, it's the fact of life that people will drift apart, I think I already could feel few drifted, as I couldnt go out with them as much. Actually, I do feel abit sting, but then also I dont really mind. It's not meant to be then not meant to be. All I concern is to keep the best ones.

My bday wish on FB (deleted from there already)

1. My projects will always get the answer of YES faster => translate into wealth
2. I will find good food more attractive so I wouldnt just eat what I have been eating only => Health 

3. I will have more opportunity to travel so I can see and explore the world much more=> Meeting more people and enhancement of intellect

4. I will understand more riddles of the world and magic of deep thoughts => Wisdom
5. I will hear more good things from family (esp) & friends => Peace
6. More fantastic sex haha => climax and nirvana hehe

Faith, Hope & Love

I like this version better, but online there are different quotes:

"Conscious faith is freedom.
Emotional faith is slavery.
Mechanical faith is madness.
Conscious hope is strength.
Emotional hope is cowardice.
Mechanical hope is sickness.
Conscious love arouses love.
Emotional love arouses the unexpected.
Mechanical love arouses hate."

a CAGED BIRD ADDED:

Conscious Effort brings hope and success
Emotional Effort brings resentment & bitterness (anger)
Mechanical Effort brings tedium & mediocrity

Or alternatively

"Conscious love evokes the same in response. Emotional love evokes the opposite. Physical love depends on type and polarity.
Conscious faith is freedom. Emotional faith is slavery. Mechanical faith is foolishness.
Hope, when bold, is strength. Hope, with doubt, is cowardice. Hope, with fear, is weakness. 

By George Ivanovich Gurdjieff

Guitar & Chicken FEET

I want to THROW up, as I never looked so long at chicken feet pictures. I dont eat chicken feet. Looking at them made me feel like I was into the land of "aliens" as in Alien movie. But, for the project sake, I need to. So YES I want to throw up.........but I need to learn to love the chicken feet look. Holy Moly.

Oh, I want to play classical guitar again. I am not very good with chords, as I never learnt. I just made it up on the way, and I used to like making some songs out of the few chords I knew. I remember my roommate told me when I was in Melb, I should go play & sing (as we were in church group) solo as I sang with emotion. Now, I feel like singing at home re-connecting with my emotion.

I think I was born a storyteller. I am not very good with vocabs, but I know how to use words & emotion with means such as music or expression or writing to bring across or to excite the filament of hearts. At least, I excite myself many times. OK, well.....I am not going to sing to the world, but I want to sing to myself N my dogs.

Now, the question is.....I got no guitar!!! :(

Update June11

OK, I didnt read any books today, it's a good thing. I need to take a break - I think I read more than 5 in a week. Yes, I have addiction problem - I could go on without sleep just doing something. But nowadays, I could control myself better. Somehow, from those writers, I found another world, another me. I am just so excited to see me rekindle in exploration - man, U guyz will have earful. Da Me is gonna pollute the world with all my theories and thoughts and blahhhhhhhh.

And I wrote an email to my Maus. Well, becoz I sent him horrible msg couple of weeks ago or maybe said something bad here. But you know.....I dont think I should pollute someone's mind with negative thoughts, and I shouldnt do that to myself too. I was angry, indeed, but then I could hv stopped it before as well. And he's not an asshole, he has a good heart - just that everything went wrong. So I apologized. And the truth was I examined myself for weeks - was it infatuation? I wanted to believe it was - becoz it's easier for my ego to subside the feeling, but then after several things happening - I think he meant something different to me. I couldnt say what, just different. Maybe we crossed path in another life and we just got to meet this life to complete the cycle. haha, BULLSHITS. :P But I think Universe used him as a vessel to open my eyes for something bigger, yet to come, and I should be grateful for him by being used.....hehe.....so that I could rekindle my interest in pursuing truth, and regain my enthusiasm to expand myself in another level (which, isnt what I had been asking for????)

"God uses loneliness to teach us about living together. Sometimes he uses anger so that we can understand the infinite value of peace. At other times he uses tedium (boredom, routine, mundane), when he wants to show us the importance of adventure and leaving things behind"

My blog has miraculously lasted for a year, which I didnt know I could do it. But I did. And I am proud to say that I have been writing every week, without missing a week so far, no matter I am happy or not. And the idea of writing a book is no longer just talk....I am indeed exploring the possibility. Not now, but someday, yet this idea is growing inside.

Yes, well rgd the haunted. Actually the master said I got THREE male spirits following me, I asked him to remove them....haha, then I thought if it would be possible to be the father, son & spirit? :P...not trying to blasphemy, JUST KIDDING!!!!

My dogs are well. They eat more than me, as usual. I am luving them more & more, esp Lottie, as she's always sitting somewhere near me, just to check if mom is OK or not (even when I go to toilet).

Friends, well, I have to say - I am so so blessed with so many good frenz. Some new, Some old. We dont see each other often, but then we are there for each other. We challenge each other to excel, to be different, at least they challenge me....:) Whilst, I want to say, I luv U all, just because.

I might be working with a german lady and so I wanted to learn some german, first off, I want to get myself interested so I listened to songs. I find some german songs sound like thai songs....anyways the one below is very nice. Actually, this singer Herbert Gronemeyer's wife died, and I think this song was a dedication to her. Luv it. Hope U like too.

Der Weg

THE WAY - English

I can no longer see Don't believe my eyes any more Can hardly believe Feelings all turned around I'm much too lazy To give up Besides it would be too soon Because there's always a way We were bound together Would have died for each other Bent the rain into a bow1 Lent each other our trust We tried to Turn while schussing Nothing was too late But much was too soon We have shoved each other Through all the tides We got sidetracked together Loved desperately We denied the truth The best we could It was a piece of heaven That you exist Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Danced the movie In a silver room From a golden balcony We stood in awe of eternity Helplessly sunken, drunken And everything was allowed Together in time-lapse Midsummer-Night's Dream Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Your confident stride Your true poetry Your serene dignity Your unshakeable grace Your destiny You defied You never betrayed Your plan for happiness Your plan for happiness I'm not leaving here I've extended my stay New time travel Open world I have you safe Inside my soul I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls

Thanksgiving for the Food

Thanks for the sea giving us rain
Thanks for the rain showing us the stream of rivers
Thanks for the river directing us to the earth
Thanks for the earth reflecting the sun
Thanks for the sun leading us to the moon
Thanks for the moon sprouting the seeds
Thanks for the seeds letting us know the winds
Thanks for the winds giving us the hope of Food
Thanks for the food making the miracles known
and hence we the living thing could have a soul

In search of another ME

As I was talking to, yes Mr Pasta, I concluded that - all my life I have been searching for another me. OKOK, sorry, I am so obnoxious. Not just men, but everything - my dogs, my fav writers, my friends. If put it in a nice way, I would say I am trying to gather back all the starseeds or soulmates in one basket, just in case where it's time for rapture, I could just take the basket - save trouble & sweat! haha.

I think, I am too in luv with myself.

What made me start thinking about it - was yesterday - when I picked up a book recommended by the shopman. He told me that if one read Celestine Prophecy - one might read that book (something a monk sold his Ferrai). Anyways, I didnt flip through it but I took it home. I tell you, I flipped (coz it's american writer, I think.....I find american writers very shallow) at the 1st page, I was like..........holy shits, it's not a good book, how come it would be a best seller. The author was so shallow, or I should say maybe he wanted to spread his word, so he gotta dumb down to fit the general public. No....I believe he's shallow. Actually, I was trying to re-read Celestine Prophecy & his tenth insight - I almost fell asleep - so shallow, touch on surface. Anyhow.....it may be something for others, I shouldnt judge, sorry.

Then made me realize one thing - many a time before I got a book, I gotta touch it and have a feel of it. Do I like the title? Do I like the cover? Even both say YES, I would have a feel on the 1st page, if it resonates, I would take it home. E.g. Out of Africa - I bought it as I couldnt forget the first statement - "I had a farm in Africa.....", to me it was so so enchanting (without reasons & prejudice of my innocent youth)

Deviation, Deviate, sorry....in search of another ME.

Well, guess by now U know I really like Paulo Coelho, as I quoted his quotes the most. And through him, I found Kahlil Gibran, that made me more in awe. Both of them, through different passages - made me feel identify with them - basically I identify with their weaknesses, their pathetic moments, and their arrogance. And the language they use - so simple yet so deep. hehe, I am comparing myself with masters, sorry. Becoz, I am in search of another me through writers.

Friends, people asked me what types of people I liked. I always told them - I liked arrogant beings with kindness. I want my frenz to be assholes & bitches in their own endearing ways. I dont like in-between people. I want aggression, I want conflicts (in their own worlds, dont involve me, hehe). just coz, I am in search of another me.

Then boyfriends. Well, last one, I really think he's like me. But He's 3 times OF me........Then the previous ex-es, all have disfunctional families. It's either they dont talk to mom or dad, and they got no best friends. (I believe for women - my advice - always find a guy who has best friends, and he would say it out and then he does talk to his best friends sometimes - it's important for men to turn to his best friends - be it a man or a woman. Dont expect men to come to you ALWAYS). Yes, I am in search of another me through relationships.

I even search from my dogs. I could see them in me, and I in them. Their eyes tell me that. They cheekiness tell me that. Their abit neurosis tell me that. I am in search of another me through pets.

And previously I really didnt think about soulmates, I dont even believe in it. I thought it's a cliche term people created. (also THE ONE- bulllllll). Anyhow, but as I mentioned maybe in another entry 2 months ago, I believe each person has more than one soulmate. Hence,

Lets indulge in the notion with me, ifthere's a possibility to re-incarnate.

If soulmate is like a cell - they would mitosis its way through eternity, then, we could deduce that after thousand (if not billion of years of manifestation) years, we should have accumulated more than one soulmate, and then our cluster of soulmates should have some kind of inter-linkage as well. 

Maybe ie why, I am not fanatic about finding my luv soulmate, as I know I am enjoying quite a handful in my life right now, whether we know it or not.

My brainwave has drained off. I dunno what I am talking, as many a time I type faster than I think.

So just leave it now, and head to bed. Hope you will enjoy your moments.............as I am starting to learn to enjoy MINE.

When it CUMs, U shall not stop it

I am not talking about orgasm, but it applies, as it doesnt cum often for most, hehe. 

I am referring to inspiration & thoughts.

Actually, when I turned on my 2.5 year small netbook, I couldnt even know what I actually wanted to say. Shits, signs of old age, I guess. Thoughts FLUMMMM by without a trace.

OK, today Mr Pasta cum to my place. It was nice. hehe

Anyways, we were talking about Mr Dude. And I told him, actually he told me many times, NEVER TRUST A MAN. Well, I heed his advice diligently, as best as I could lie to myself. But, honestly, Mr Dude told me couples of weeks ago that "he couldnt forget about me and he kept thinking of me".

Arghjhjh....does he know who he's dealing with? 

Me!!! Plz.

When he said that, all my passion drained.

To be frank, all humans r the same. It doesnt matter U r a man or a woman. It applies to same logic with slight deviation. When he said that, I knew it was the end. The logic doesnt even fit into my outerspacey universe, despite I am pretty flexible to most notions. 

Lets do a statistic analysis. It's just mathematics.

If someone misses you, but one is busy, tired, caught up, travelling on a plane, blahblah, etc etc..............................................................lets say, sending a msg, an email. leaving a voicemail takes how long? I know, less than 10 sec, as I msg , msn, email too much.

Assume, in one day, you were allowed 10 times of 10 seconds (ie what? fucking less than 2 mins), 7 days passed by , less than 14 mins. OK, if I got nothing, how could one lie to oneself saying all these bullshits? It's not even a man's gesture, it's like a stupid immature baby gesture who just dont fucking know what it means to be a normal human being. But I forgive YOU.

Honestly, I think sometimes humans r so silly. Men say they r simple, honestly, as I mentioned above, it's very complicated (hahahaha), indeed. Just be honest, then it becomes simple. When it involves some lying gesture or uncertain confession, it becomes complicated. It complicates your life.

So I have a new found respect for women who genuinely want to get married. I used to "mock at" them, but they are indeed pursuing what they want in life, despite what other added qualities they want from a man or what else assets they hope to obtain. They are just honest at what they want.

And I gotta tell you who have the chance to read here - really be honest with yourself. If U r a man, dont mock women for being complicated (whilst men being simple).....NAH. You make us complicated with your simple & dishonest info. We have all the while been honest with what we want. 

We want sex, we go N get it.

We want a husband, we go N confess about it.

We want to sleep, we dont care if the world is going to fall, we go N sleep.

We want a Chanel, we would find our devious way to get it.

I hereby conclude, women r simple. 

hehe :P

Watching Lottie

Lottie is indeed nottie
as she's jumpie
but within my heart, I know she's just a babie

Watching her sleep, I feel peaceful and calmie

Lottie is so nottie
She's just so friendly
She's just coz  a babie
for the rest of her life

Watching her sulk, make me wearie

Lottie is just Lottie
She's who she is
all her heart consume with just mommie

Watching Lottie, I want to tell her mommie is just sleepie

Go to sleep Lottie
in peace
you are always my babie

My Lottie

Angel & Demon

As I always say, I believe in fairies and fairy tales. I luv the cartoon - Little Mermaid the most, as I repeat thousand of times. Recently, I started on another search - spiritual aspects and practices. 

I have been reading alot of paranormal, ancient civilization materials, as I am really intrigued by the "past", ie why my first goal when I was maybe 10 was to be an archeologist. I wanted to discover, uncover the truth or mystery....and I even envisioned that by the time now, we could actually travel to the past like Back to the Future. I think, I was 8 or 7 - I already had a theory in my head (something like Back to the Future movie). Moments exist within moments. We could co-exist at the same moment. Ie why we would have Deja Vu. I believe it's some sort of spring theory in chaos moments, like one in thousandth second before in another dimension, I just erased the previous word and started making this sentence. Anyhow, I dunno, I never then further explore, but it rooted deeply in my head of my theory - so ie why I always spaced out hence my whole family thought and still think I am an idiot. hehe

After 2.5 yrs of my state, I finally picked up myself to want to learn something new. So, I just said a prayer of some sort, not even really meaning it, but more like a trade. "OK, if you give me this, I will go further in the search. But you have to show me HOW"  And somehow, words came to mind, and materials fell on my laps, next would be everytime I asked a question, some material would show up and answer me in its specific way (similar experience when I joined the church back in Melb......). But this time, I was taking it easy, wasnt like before, zeal without knowledge, on fire without extinguisher. The experience is so familiar that makes me become even more cautious to a moment of feeling awe with a touch of sacredness in it. 

The magic of click and realization is amazing.....:)

Anyhow, below is one example. I was thinking to myself - well, I know my demons. Actually, I met some before....more like spirits. And I hvnt known my guardian angels yet, so I was thinking since yesterday - ummm.....do they exist?

By Paulo Coelho
Knowing how to ask for help
When he suffers some injustice, a warrior generally seeks to remain alone – so as not to show his pain to others.

This behavior is both good and bad at the same time.

It is one thing to allow your heart to gradually cure its own wounds. Another is to remain in deep meditation every day, afraid of appearing to be weak.

Within each of us there is an angel and a demon, and their voices are very similar. Faced with a difficulty, the demon nourishes solitary conversation, by showing us how vulnerable we are. The angel makes us reflect on our attitudes, and sometimes uses someone else’s tongue to manifest itself.

A warrior balances loneliness and dependency, with the help of others."

Not commenting if I agree with him or not, but it makes me very thankful - I have both. This is what I went through past 2 years - solitude with reflection of attitude. I think people tend to grumble about their misfortune, yet, many a time - it's a time to indeed reflect on the attitude. And it's a LUCK indeed if one could experience both and understand - so next time we can do better. Yet, I am just so thrilled that somehow I know I have them, but I am yet to encounter them face to face and to differentiate their voices. 

I am starting to pray that I will meet them and tell them apart. Despite, I believe in fairies, I never thought there were guardian angels - as I never felt I was protected. But.....now.....all is good. all is fine. ^^

Reckless

I know why I am adorable, yet it's always a curse and blessing. Well, I would opt to see it as blessing in disguise. Someone, Mr Hungry, told me that recklessness is one thing that he adores. And the thing is........most men find me funny or adorable or interesting......it;s coz indeed I am reckless. I have endless topics that I could indulge a guy with, from sex, to paranormal, to spiritual, to technology, to science, to gals, to guyz, to comics (yes I know who Frank Muller is, and I luv alternate universe btw captain america and....someone else, is it superman?!, or to religion, to movie, to bands, to TV, to....life&death......So I am pretty aimless in my discussion....becoz I know everything a little bit, it's a blessing, coz I am like a can opener. But I am never the spoon..........

I have finally learnt to accept, this is me. I did accept it, but someone along the way kinda murk my knowing. I just have to blame myself of being swayed. But anyhow. this is me.....and without a shortlived butterfly like me (as I actually told my boss off once), you wouldnt hv ENOUGH color to fill this earth. And as a matter of fact, pretty butterflies are extinguishing, so pls - dont take my recklessness for granted. It's short lived, but it's rare. :)

I dunno why, today, really I am so enthusiastic for something to come. And I got no idea what........I just know.........

To my sweetest fren - Miss PuppyDoll

Actually I have known her since maybe almost 10 years ago...that was very brief. However, the universe always brings the best & sweetest person across my path to show me...that this world is beautiful. Yes, we met again almost 1.5 yr ago, at a very random concert - Muse (I am not fanatic for music - I didnt even know more than 2 songs of Muse then, I was following a muse to a Muse concert only). Then we just clicked at that moment. Strangely, when I met her 10 yrs back, I knew we SHOULD be friends. But somehow, I also knew it wasnt the moment. And somehow.....after so many yrs, I almost forgot all about it, even she was on my FB - and yes now we have become close frenz. hoho....god works in miraculous means & ways that we cant fathom at times.

I think, sometimes some of us look like lost souls, searching high & low, and we would question ourselves if we are outta our fucking minds, as we look, observe the world around us. People come in & out without knowing. Yet, we question why we have to KNOW. Maybe, somewhere in our little inner voice - we wish to be zombie, at least I am....I always want to be one. Can kill without feeling, so nice. So powerful. haha.

But I want to tell my fren that she's going to be OK. I know. I dont know about everyone, but I know about HER. She's going to be fine. Yes U r going to be fine. Your vision at 16, it will be realized. I am not talking to encourage her, YOU. no, I just know it's going to happen.

So whatever that's happening, u just need to let it go a while, feel it. Move on. And u will find the oasis. or spring....or a tree for shelter. :)

(HUGZ)

Thanks so much also for being such a support past few months when I was in despair. I am always here for YOU too. ^^

LUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Looking for Miracles....

To be very frank, whatever I am going through, to me, it's already beyond me to tackle, but so, I am waiting for miracles. I should say, I am working on the miracles....with supreme power. Right now. But as I look at the sky out from my balcony - gosh, what a beautiful day. So pretty. I rarely see the sun, even I was born in the morning, I luv the nite since very little......but I also luv to look at clouds. I saw few real fish clouds with scales on the sky when I was maybe 6 or 7 yo. They were alive - I remember they were breathing. Not kidding......my sis saw that too.

Sky-Cloud Submarine

Guess somehow miracles are making their way to me, becoz, if not, I wouldnt notice the sky. It's been long long time I looked up.

Euphoric

OK, dont want to dwell too much on which books I read, I could only say I read few books within few days. And the books I picked, some were with me for some time but I couldnt bring myself to read through them. Anyways, maybe someday, I could psychoanalyse myself on this topic, but not today.

After frantically reading, I can tell you, I feel calmly euphoric to a point that I feel I am HEALED. The saddness & depression I felt for past 3 months have slipped through my fingers.............as I was flipping each page or stroking iphone screen.

Some of the questions I have been questioning about god & myself, have found its way to shoot through the pages, which, I suppose maybe the authors didnt know that would cause such effects to the readers, or maybe it was intentional....anyhow, it doesnt matter, the point is, I am FINE.

I am going to stop reading after today....I mean, less intensive. It's enough info for my Limitless to grow for a while. Next is, I am going to start reading Poems and The Dead Sea Scroll - slowly. Maybe take in few verses every few days........just to connect the final dots. 

I blablahblah....actually I want to blablahblah more but I hvnt slept as I was so desperately to finish a book. I need to rest my eyes for few hrs, then I am back on what I am supposed today. Shit, I luv this euphoria.....hehehehehehe...........but I should shut up. :P