I want to fly

While listening to this song, I feel like flying. Vaguely, I remember - I heard this song as my ex-hus took me to this concert, I didnt know this taiwanese singer back then, but quickly fell in love with this song, coz everything sounds so simple even his lyric meaning.

Then, while listening to this song - I heard some bad news from a fren. Her sister from uncle side was "beaten" to death by GZ police and her dad is in hospital. Ar, makes me want to fly even more.

While, listening to this song, I think of a person - waiting for his msg. Wondering if something happens. So, yes I want to fly to the sky, roam around the sky, watch from above - and then shit to everyone from above..........hehe.....shits of blessing. Yes paradoxical, but if it's a blessing, shits also seem good.

hehe. sorry, my mind is abit distorted today....

Lyrics is basic -  Love is simple and already forgot how we started but then I am now crazily in love with you. No Regrets, No anything, but I just love you & will never give up the rights to be in luv with you.

The more cliche, the more realistic 

We live in a meshwork of paradoxical & unity

See My Past

As I was rambling on bitching about some crazy guyz, I at the end....did meet up with my ex. :P The thing is my toilet light was out, he was kind enough to offer to change for me. We had a nice time, but one thing - haha - he kept saying "I hate CHU" (I hate U) which was our sweet talk long time ago. Basically, I just ignored him. I really think I am a freaking passionately hot human being, yet I could be a damn cold bitch at times.

Then we had a nice dinner, chat. And thanks to him, he kinda vindicated me something that has been marginally bothering me, which is, I have been called "High maintenance". I have tried to argue my way through with people to justify their accusation, hehe. The fact is, if people think U r, there's no way to fend off anyways. So I accepted this accusation on the surface. Coz honestly, how could someone not money-minded, no demand in bf wealth or gifts showering be high maintenance. And also, I dont buy branded goods much at all...maybe every 5 years once? Well, though, I like unique stuff, chic looking bags, yes I love shoes very much, and also vintage......well how can a gal so in love with getting people used clothes, bags, shoes be....high maintenance?!?! :)

Anyhow, I asked him - so people say I am high maintenance, what do you think? He - U? No way, how could you be? I - yea, fucking rite, how could I be. And the only thing I am high maintenanced of is intelligently, emotionally & mentally, apart from that I got not much request. Thanks to him, now I feel so much better!!!!!! hehe......though somewhat he still thinks I am a bitch. The cute kind, :)

And after seeing him, I feel like - it was my past life. I was abit different back then. Clingy, jealousy plagued, etc etc....and all the men I was with, they were kind of weak or poor....hehe....ie not a way to badmouth them, I know but that's the fact. And by stopping dating for almost 2 years, it really helps me to re-adjust my inner esteem and decide more what I want now. 

Frankly, I feel happy to see him becoz it's like finally - not just I got vindicated, but I also got cleared of my certain karma in relationships. And I am delighted to see that from his past reliance on me for daily living roof or food, he's now a stand alone person with quite good future....anyhow, I am always glad to see the men I sent back to the world are well & all.

:)

Fasting

I am not sure why lately alotta people talk about fasting, there's a new trend in HK - it's a mixed of fasting with Chi Kung (the chinese kinda like Riki kung Fung thing - I think), it seems it cleanses many bodies and slims many of them down. The duration is 7 days. Well, it involves meditation as well. 

This, I wont try. I dont like the 7 days thing. Too controlling. :P

Well, but fasting - I did that before, 3 days. It was during church time - I would fast for 3 days, but I find that when ones attempts fasting ever, you would realize that the food that you never even have a craving before would just ALL FLOOD to your head. And you start to feel - that will be the first thing I am gonna eat when that hours of torture are done.

Now, I never attempt.

But lately, I am fasting in food & sleep. Basically, I dont eat much and I cant sleep much. So it's a dual fast. No particular reason, just couldnt. I think I really need some sleeping pills now.

Today morning, some news, kinda got my adrenaline beefing up, so well, I didnt sleep for whole day, but guess tonite I would have a sweet sleep. I am forcing myself to do alotta errands today, so I wouldnt be tempted to have afternoon nap at all.

I honestly dunno how to set my body clock, I always think I actually dont have one. Well, maybe it's just few hours diff, but when I was in Spain, I didnt hv jetlag, then when back to HK, I didnt have jetlag too. I basically never really experience jetlag, as far as I remember - I follow the daily schedule rather than my body clock. Also, sometimes I follow maybe my darling(s)'s body clock.

Now, I feel I am so uncool. haha. Anyways, ie what has always happened. :)

YAWN. Just wanna drop a note to say Hi. :)

deliated memory

I met up with few frenz today, after being a basically cocoon melancholic depressive worm for weeks. So I went to meet a fren who went through & is going through similar things as now-me. So she had few frenz with her.

O well, may I bitch?

Sometimes I get really really sick of people detailed description of a thought - which is so tedious, not something intelligent & mind provoking. But I gotta thank her as she really distracted me from depression, as I realize that someone deserves more depression than me. hehe.

OK, what did she wrong me? Well, as I already said yesterday was the Full Moon or the Mid-Autum Festival, so she went to this BBQ. And she (shit, I feel I am boring U even by repeating her, but I want to justify why I felt so fucking bored by her, still lingering this shitload of boredom in my every cell - but once again, yes I have to thank her for her super boring amuzement) -

OK so her frenz asked her to get a box of mooncakes (yes during such festives we eat mooncakes, what's that? Well, it's packed with gelatinated glue of sugar & egg yolks, I think - I hate the taste of it) - and she got pissed becoz they wanted the tin box to play the "candles (yes another HK practice, during such festives we burn candles for fun, not for ambience, and we have lanterns - for what? ummm....supposedly, traditional it's an intelligence enhancement - coz each latern should have some sort of idioms or I dunno what it calls - guess words? attached on them). OK back to her, sorry - so she got pissed that maybe her frenz wouldnt pay her back the money...........HAHAHHAHAH......and coz she has been used many times to run errands already. So she had this thinking process what excuse to offer why she didnt show up with the tin can & of coz she did go around to find one. 

I laughed. I couldnt help it at that moment. For 1, if your frenz r so sux, fucking ditch them, delete them outta your life. My time is for wonderful & intelligent people ONLY & Solely. For 2, Just show up and says "Opps, I fucking forgot about that, as I am too busy (i) shagging a passerby; or (ii) I was buzzed by too many guyz to attend their events - ALWAYS LIE..........hehehehe......I would do that, seriously, why do I need to care about a bunch of people like that!!?? And honestly I dont hv such frenz at all.

Sorry, I made her sound so fun, no, it's coz I am fun, not her. She also said about some other events....in such a way. And so I said to her, this person I met for 1st time & I well believe it's going to be last - Ummm, gal, U should (I rarely SHOULD people) never remember things such tedious things in details, it will make U happier (what I am trying to say wasnt to care about her happiness - I meant, if U continue to talk like that, U are gonna end up alone!!)

hehe, yes I am horrible, but seems I have been an evil & a horrible person lately, I really dont mind sending much evil thoughts to curse others. hehe.

:P

on Full Moon

Criminal thoughts are boiling up.

Werewolves world is getting agitated.

My world? Alone & Lonely. hehe.

So I am going to take my dogs out to gaze at the moon when it's dark & all.

I never really care about festives very much as it's just a date set from long long time ago by some King or tribal leaders to get people do some ritual together. I am more hoping some new festives I may derive for myself one day....I mean some should be evil ones, or maybe some are some sorta anniversaries or something.

Honestly, I also dont care much about bday or anniversaries. I sound like I dont care about anything, rite? hehe, it's partly true. Only when you see the value in sharing it with someone you love, then everyday becomes a festive. This year - hard to say, I am not meant to share with that someone. Sadly. :(

So I am lonely. Today.

I never really desire to share this Full Moon with my ex-es, rather, they would buy lanterns for me. I always just shrugged it off, as it's not fun for me. But this year, I want to gaze moon with that person. hehe.....yet he's not here, not yet a reality. Sadly. I would call him Mr Gazzi here, well, abit like Mr Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, you see. :))

I miss my Mr Gazzi. I mean I miss us together. I never miss "us" together. I think, the taste of missing us is abit traumatising for me - as it's no longer an imaginary world. I had my imaginary world before, I talked to my imaginary lover, or lovers, hehe.....we would do our imaginary talks or stuff together. Sounds crazy? No, I think it was quite healthy. But then lately, I also realize one thing.

I roamed around the world for so many years, today I was woken up - I guess with knowing Mr Gazzi character does exist does shock me to awakening, indeed. In the past, why all my relationship fails, it's simple - as all my ex-es said the same thing one way or another that I projected such a huge expectation upon them. Yet, I never felt I imposed anything on them.....truth be told, if people who knew me with my ex-es, e.g. Bruce, he could testify one thing - I was a great gf with basically limited expectation. For e.g. I never really cared what profession he had or if he got a car or which university degree he got or how much he made or if he's going to get married with me, or etc etc etc etc - I mean in HK - how hard to find a gal like me so absent-minded with all these things. hehe.  Honestly, even if they told me above, I would forget in next 5 mins. :) So all my frenz did reprimand me to be more realistic or whatever.

I also dont feel I am not realistic, one thing - I know I will never end up with them. I am just a character to play in their lives, I always feel - maybe by giving my compassionate love, this person could become a better person. Yes, like so many other galz, I had a saviour complex, but maybe to guys - if they could understand women better, we just wanted to be a mom to embrace U....but to guyz, this behaviour is really tedious, they love it & they hate it, so you guyz would say - "women like to be busybody and try to change me".

But I guess, at the end - I knew & I know they couldnt match my imaginary lover, or that particular person in my real dream (not day dream) when I had that dream at 14, or 16, dont recall. It's kinda enchanting.............I just remember his eyes.

Yet,

Say to your lovers or your gfs today - that thanks to them they want to change you on this Full Moon day, it signifies "metamorphorisis" or "shifting" (my versions) - thank them for being a woman, thank them for being so busybody, thank them for trying to make U become a better person. BELIEVE me, tonite, you will have very good orgasm!! 

I quit my saviour complex now, I need someone to save me, to shower me with alotta compassion. Frankly, I am tired..............I feel I have driven hard with pride these years, today, I am tired. I am abit afraid to lose this inner strength to fight tomorrow literally. 

So even people dont really do that, but I am going to make not a wish but few wishes to the moon. Oh yes, when I was studying in Melb, at night while walking home, I always talked to the moon. And I remember I wrote few entries of journals about that. The moon to me is a HE - so he's been with me, protected me, watched over me.

So today, long time no talk to the moon and ie what I am going to do - I will ask him to grant me my wishes. My current profession endeavor - pls solve within 2 weeks. My love - will be mine in reality. My friends & family - will find joy & peace. And as for me, I will be wiser, cuter, more witty, more creative, better vocab, finally could pen down my book idea........within next 12 mths, then....maybe abit greedy - if I hv been granted 30 years more of life, I just have this special wish which will be known between my Moon & me.

Happy FULL MOON everyone!! May you enjoy the FULL MOON magic......not just today but everyday!

Love, xoxo