After roaming around the world for so many freaking years, many things I am yet to experience. Oh yes, in btw, we didnt die from that so-longing end of the world, I always thought something could have happened. Not in terms of tsunami type of things, but maybe spiritual enlightenment or ridding of stupid people or christian rapture wud be something cool and saliva-drooling events I wud wish to experience.
Shit, do we need to wait another eternity? Okies.
I didnt do surgery but I am still unwell. If after this week, it's not recovered, I think I could either have cancer or just something really wrong with my organs. Anyhow. But I could say, this sickness' orign is something I would never expect myself to experience.
First, I have collected over a year sadness from this rp. Nothing violent, but it's always in very melancholic mode. I still love or I shud say I loved this man very much depending from which angle I am looking at and it's first time I allowed myself to fall in love. Definitely, there were reasons how he cud win so utterly of me. No men did before but I hope more men afterwards.........hahahaha. Recently. We separated. Between words, he mentioned something, I felt it's a betrayal of trust. I think that worsens my sickness deeply......
When a person is utterly hurt, wounded.....the breathlessness that comes with it really makes my symptoms worse. So basically my whole system shut down. I couldnt blame its him, definitely, I was sick first. But the whole thing, plus my crying, and my coughing really caused every organ in the lowest modes ever in my life.
Second, stress from work. Frankly, I didnt feel that stressed but according to my doctors, it created too much imbalance in my life.
Third, my dogs. Few incidences, esp Shadow, the older dog really drove me nuts to a point that I told my family, I needed to get rid of her immediately. Then I re-examined.....honestly, she has spent all her life with me, loyal, no matter how crazy she is. I am her only love, parent, friend ever. It's my issues that I didnt spend much time with her, making her feel at ease not to so bratful. Anyways, of coz it was an impulse but I wudnt think about it anymore. It's not about cruelty, it is....when someone has been there for you, you dont get rid of so easily.
So in conclusion, my end 2012, early 2013.....it's a year of very exclusive experience. Frankly, 2012 was in general very very very damn boring year for me. But exclusively, I experienced some things that one needs to use the heart and body to experience to understand or know......
Certain matters we can learn from google, certain matter you need to learn from yourself.
Body and Emotion are still in recovery stage but I am hopeful for 2013. I am actually very excited for months to come though, definitely somewhat my Jan is a wasted cause. But lets the worst happens first then I can focus to enjoy the best moments.
Also, I think another reason why I would be so sick, as I have no where to vent or to share. it used to be here, but past 12 mths, here is a spy-on space so I couldnt say too much. Now. everything is clear, I am free, I guess. Definitely, I need to re-generate the kiddo side of me, as that inner child has grown up in pain, gosh, I hate this....I need to be reborn again. So, I will be seeing more things, visiting more places, meeting more pple......in hope, I could be an interesting person again.
Have a great weekend.
