Family Issues

My dad is going nuts again
but this time I got no feeling
it's always a ready to explode bomb anyways
I already advise what we should do

However, I dont understand why he couldnt just be a normal decent being
for maybe 1 year
haha,....am I asking too much???

So if he's going to do whatever he's going to do
we will cut off our line of communication forever, most likely
Why he couldnt try to do something that he could be missed one day?
Not like he has another 100 years to live
why wanting our memory of him being a bad one?
It was a good one when I was young though he was crazy still
but at least somehow, despite he wasnt capable, I knew he cared for me & us

Now, I didnt feel that
sorry, memory isnt one shot
it needs substaining to get something good to carry on
memory cud be erased N faded

ie why, why u guyz need to shower your loved ones with luv constantly
becoz, we women forget easily too
hence we forgive very easily too
but.........wrt my dad......it's just abit tiring for his episodes

Having kids

Well, now it's indeed sunrising, I cudnt sleep, becoz my brain keeps working on my business ideas, proposals, how should I tell them they shud indeed give me all the territories, and why. Then, how I can incorporate my network of frenz & people who are already in this field. I just feel a nice burden - if I can make this work, then everything else will follow this pattern, and one of my long term dreams will fulfill. But all I am talking is just one small step, but well, I have been lazy in my head & body for too long. I deserve no sleep.

Well, as I was thinking about my stuff, then I was also thinking about my fren's blog entry. Yes women's multitasking ability is based on they could utilize their brain in different dimension. :P (actually i tried to tire myself out by playing with & taking pics of my dogs)...anyhow.

She was writing a letter to her future kid. I find this to be very sweet. And as we were advocating the needs for adoption, and I vowed to myself that I would choose the option of adopting kids and raising them like my own. Then I looked at my dogs and I wonder if I could do it. I mean, I could, becoz I wanted to hug all the kids in the world, luv them, protect them, enlighten them. But.....I am not sure if I could accept another little being talking back to me. haha. I was imagining having another Lottie (my dog). I am sure I could luv the real human kids more (be it adopted or my own), yet, I realize I am not very motherly.

I think I am too free spirited. I allow too much freedom. I am not sure if this method is right for HK at all. Looking at my dogs, I have been giving them too much freedom, basically they are behaving like humans in many ways. Whilst, as I look at my fren's, my sis pets - they do exert some form of discipline to them. Mine, they give me hands, I already find to be well-done. My fren's cute poodle could say sorry and turn when U ask him to. And she has been diligently taking care of him and training him to behave in all possible ways.....but I am not like that. I many a times just let them be.....I mean I trained them, but I got no patience to train them to be better than now. Ummm. So I feel I am a really selfish person. I dont think I could really have a kid of my own.

Of coz I looked at my Uni fren's kids. Gosh, they r so big now. And I could see the luv she gave them, despite she herself has given up so much. And lets also talk about my most devoted reader here, my roommate - she basically as well has GIVEN herself to her 4 kids & her husband. I admire them so much, as this kind of effort wont be rewarded immediately. Sometimes during the hurricane adolescence stage - the kids may disrespect you or misunderstand you, then your husband or family may think U r not doing good enough. Then U yourself may start to have self-doubt too. So, I have to say working mother is more balanced. My frenz - they suffer more than working mothers. Working mothers are still very much in touch with the world, and they gain reward by being paid, and they got people like maids or mom to take care of the kids. I also strongly believe the kids being raised by the non working mothers will have more healthy life in the future (relative terms).

So what I really want to say is that - if U have kids, I want to be their godmom. More the merrier. But I really think I cant be one. I am too introverted & extroverted thinking at the same time, no discipline (look at my dogs), and most importantly I am OLD. hehehehehe...............so u guyz toil, while I will be their great honey godmom. Yeah!

Bless to all moms who luv their kids or pets unconditionally.

xoxo

Apart from

Devoting my time to finding projects to do, I spend most of my nites doing "article of the day" & "word of the day" with my nephew. I couldnt understand how a P2 kid could manage to do whatever they have been given. I am pretty darn sure that a F5 student may not be able to know every vocab or even get all the correct answers. For me, I managed 99.95% accuracy, yet some grammar is so tedious that even good english command people got it wrong, as I tested to some before.

Also, it's not like their school curriculum covers all that, but I guess they must be expecting that their parents have good level of english. Yet, how many HK pple indeed have good command in english - esp those who only study locally. It's so tough to be kids nowadays!!

My poor babies, ie why I so focuz on them, to help them & train their mentality. I always say I dont need them to have perfect scores, rather I need them to think independantly.

What would you do....

When you dad may threaten to hurt your mom or your family.....becoz of.....no reasons? Just he created stories in his head that made him mad. Tell me, what would you do?

My utmost concern would be my sis kids, as my mom takes care of them. Seriously, if I would be their parents, I would move the house as far from this family as possible. How could your dad threaten to hurt his family without any solid reasons.....??? Just coz he's not pleased with his life?!?!?!

My sis suggested we should report to police. But for me, I guess most of the time he just talked. So I advised my mom not to see him for coming days without our presence. And I will have dinner with him on Tue, not that I try to talk some sense into him. When someone creates a reality in his mind, no one can correct that imagination. I guess I would want to see abit from his expression, his conversation - the words he chooses to express himself, his way looking at my mom & my sis kids.......then will decide what's our potential next move!!!

I dont get it, when all of us are trying to get everyone living slightly better, and when we are all more united as a family, more laughters with each other, why would he try to sabotage that!? Yet in our mind (esp my sis n me), we couldnt comprehend a person we have known for over 30 odd years would become someone we so.....feel alienated. What so huge  to make you verbally inform your kid that, wait for something big to happen!!!???? While, already inform you that he killed mom in his dreams. What's the big deal? What happened??? We scratched our heads till no hair, we still couldnt think of a single or remotely collective issues why........we are deserved to be threatened like that!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe it's indeed just the smiple saying......money is evil?! I dont know......this is not how my dad used to raise me.

On educating Kids

I dont have kids and I am not planning to. Unless one fine day, I am wealthy & married, I want to adopt kids instead. I want 3 kids - african baby, Beijing baby and a russian baby. Hoho......but nah, I prefer to be god-mothers for all my friends' kids. :P

But I know quite abit about kid education as I am involved in tutoring my sister's kids-Uma & Morris They are handful, as they were born with Lok's blood. Lok's blood I believe is cursed. Anyways.

It's really difficult to train HK kids so to speak, esp the standard & mentality of school teachers are not upto standard at all. I doubt many of them have a vision to create a better world. I once wanted to be a teacher, as I always have till now still this mentality to change the world. What if I couldnt do it myself, I could actually influence the kids......hohohoh! Anyways, we cant blame the teachers too much either, as they were never influenced before.

One thing I disgust with the school education in HK is that everything the teachers say is right! I try to instill a training to my sis kids that they can actually challenge whatever I say - of coz they wouldnt do so, as really how dare them to challenge a teacher. I am trying.......no one is absolutely right, this is my message! Why they got this idea they need to be 100% obedient? It must be from parents & teachers. Sigh! I doubt I could influence both of them to have a vision to change the world. They are not of that degree of calibre, though I am still putting a slight hope on the younger boy Morris.

Really, if you never make mistakes, how well do you know what's right or wrong. But, HK parents & school will never allow kids to make mistakes. Such a depressing thing.

I hope one day if you have a kid, give them good insights, train them to be a visionary individual, allow them to make mistakes. Dont just throw the words - U r so stupid! (I live with this phrase all my life - of coz purely from my family. Honestly, since I was 3, I always felt I was different and they are the just abunch of idiots - roaming around aimlessly, stupidly, sheepishly)

Yes I remember there was something once a teacher put it - chinese always say to their family : BE careful. Or Bring an umbrella. OR You should have brought a jacket, see now U got a cold.  Chinese always say - you should have, you should have.....................While, the west would say: Have fun! (though I am now a grown-up, the above events are not entirely true - but the gizt of it is true). Just being stay-put vs trying spirits.

I am so not putting down chinese. Actually east philosophy is so darn good - e.g. patience. Patience means giving it time. But if giving it time without trying - then it becomes stale. While, trying without giving it time, it becomes a crushed peanut. (zeal without knowledge is heading to hell too) Yes I am trying to instill a East/West fusion to my sis kids. I hope I succeed. It's really tough when you are trying to fight against the whole universe.

Arrr...................enough of kids talk. Had lunch yet? ^^

Sometimes I just dont get it..............

Two people, who have gone through hardship. Flip when there's money involved. It's surely not NEW news. But then, when a good person suddenly becomes a monster, I really, say I am so naive, innocent.......I really cant take it, esp they are your closed ones.

I want to say more, but the horror is too near to describe. I cant describe it. I dont understand the psyche, usually I am pretty good at quieting knowing one's intention of one's behaviour. But this one is abit out of reach. I get why some want to have it all. I just dont get how a kind and good person maybe in his "previous" life (era), could say certain things, act certain ways - becoming a monster that you would only watch it on TV (usually you would laugh - impossible for such beings exist!)

Anyways..................if you pray, pls pray for my family. No specific points, but just safety to us ALL.

My aunt is publishing her first book!

She's always a talented artist. 

I believe she has been one of those that left a mark in my life. A good one, of coz. Becoz, she did struggle in her life, esp after her marriage & pregnancy. I saw that through my eyes, always so quietly, when I was merely few years old. Hearing relatives whispering behind her back while she could be in tears. At that moment of my kiddo heart, I had this anger towards humanity or adults. I couldnt get it why they couldnt let her just cry (becoz I liked crying too)!!!!!

Anyhow, we corresponded quite abit when I was studying in Melbourne. I remember at my 21yo, she wrote something back to me in responding to my agony of staying "alive". She told me she gave birth to my cousin. when she was 22. She was very upset, devastated, even depressed for many years as she felt this pregnancy kept her from doing great things at one point. But however, she added on after 18 years her son had become such a great man she's so proud of. She no longer regretted her choice but felt so grateful embracing that. At that very moment I thought, just like when I was maybe 3yo, how I wish she could be my mother. I believe many people would think she's a weak person, but to me she's the strongest person I have ever met, who has confronted depression (we never discuss this topic but I believe she has) and owns such a vast compassion on people and things. Ie what I call strength. Not those other stupid humans that mocked at her back!!!

She's holding the book press (not sure what's the rite word) on 1 Aug at MK fr 3pm. If you guyz are free, feel free to tag along.