After One week, Shadow is...

After one week of refusal to eat, today, to my surprise, I could hear her tummy grumbling....gloorrrhhhh gluuuuuuu............so I fed her few kibbles, and she finished them. Then I gave her some chicken, she finsiehd them. Then a pc of dog biscuit my sis made, she finished it....despite it took a while, I just put it at her food tray....let her decide for herself. 

I never have a pb with shadow doesnt want to eat...so now seeing her eat makes me overjoyed. I have become rested within, abit anyways. Hence, I made myself a pot of coffee as I didnt even make any for past 1 week. Now its time I could have a good cuppa.

She's less clingy, but I could see that she's happier. I hope it's just simple liver infection, but not liver cancer. I do want her to spend another 5 years with me.......:D

Thanks for your concern or your prayer. :)

Believing

It's been a tough last week, I never took so long and still experiencing the roller coaster hairraising thoughts....Really, usually I could settle down within 3 days, but I only allowed myself 1 day usually. 

This time, it's not as easy, guess it's something very alien to me. I can forsee it will take me 10 times more time to get settled down. But it's a good experience, somehow, I realize, I could untab another side of my brain & heart. It's a good learning experience, I have to say, I mean regardless whatever the outcome is going to be.

And I thought before I was fearless, super cool...nah...I am not at all, really. Super uncool. haha. It's good to know that I am not that perfect or mature and I realize I am still but a child inside. GREAT! It gives me some hope so that I will continue to explore the world, the human nature, the inner core.

However, I believe in human, no matter what, has a hint of kindness within. I remember when I was in early 20's, I wrote something like.....no matter how wicked or evil a person is, they can never win LUV. I used Hitler as an example in my writings. & of coz some serial killers too. I feel, even the world thinks he's evil, I strongly believe at some points he was kind, he did have the hint of goodness in him. I dont believe in 100% good or 100% evil. I am a greyish person anyhow. Of coz he's twisted......yet, I still strongly believe when a killer kills, yes the thrill thrill them, BUT I do believe somewhere somehow there must be a kind voice calling out for them...........of coz they could be deafened by the thrill, the excitement....ummm........

For me, I believe in the people I have 99.9% believe in. If I read that person, I know in my heart that he's what I see. So I still have belief, I have hope, and afterall I live in my fairy tale, believing in goodness of poople, believing in the kindness of humans' heart.

Actually, as I mentioned there was a scam last month, what I didnt tell you is that, I wrote that scammer a thank-you email, for teaching me a lesson. hehe....and I hope he would find the joy in continuing in scamming people, if ie what he likes to do. Didnt think it worths me to yell at him or whatever. He doesnt deserve it, but he teaches me one thing - I should believe in my heart and rationale more.

In conclusion, I find these unsettling feelings have given me something, something more precious that I could imagine at this moment, but I believe, yes I BELIEVE, one day I will reap the harvest of being such a diligent student of the universe. :D

Personality Test

Magically, it's almost 90% accurate except the planning ahead thing. :D

You are a NEGOTIATOR / explorer

You are a big thinker. You easily take the large, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and to think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy theorizing.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you tend to intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you sometimes make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend or colleague. And you like to work to improve the world.

You enjoy new ideas and novel experiences. You are flexible, affable and open to adventure. And you admire impulsive, spontaneous people, despite your tendency to plan ahead.

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. And with your skill as a negotiator, you adeptly bring peace to the chaotic world around you. You are a warm, insightful and often exciting companion.

WAS, and now tears can only cry in the heart

Was reading some msg

Was talking on the phone with a fren

Was drinking some white my fren left behind

Was thinking

Was writing

Was emailing

Was begging shadow to eat

Was trying to feed her medicine, 11 types

Was allowing shadow to be a brat.....she refused to eat, until I begged her

(how I begged her? I told her....hey hey dont worry. Mom will find a way to save u. Next year we will move to another place, where we could run around even more. And pls dont worry about money, mom will know what to do. Just EAT and BE STRONG. I will save U....ok? And..........:( she started eating..........it's so weird)

Coz I promised her I wouldnt cry, I wouldnt then. But truthfully, I just wanted to freaking cry....................

So, here's the song to....replace my tears.........fuck....how can he describe how I feel??!! haha

My schedule tomorrow, wake up at 6 (maybe just dont sleep), feed shadow for an hr......then head to my sis place, put down shadow. Get to the HK express, take a flight to BKK. Meeting. Then next day, back to HK at 11pm, go to sis place, pick up shadow. I have such a fear that she would feel I dump her, leave her alone again. She has become another person (I meant dog).....maybe chinese saying old brat is like a childish kid. She's exactly like that. Maybe she's finally protesting to me, hey mom - it's time I get some nice things, your full attention. All my life, I am patient, all my life I have been there, all my life I am loyal & dedicated to you.......now, it's your turn to FULLY taking care of me, heheheheheh, with shadow cheeky grin. 

But my frens, I am blue. I am....crying inside. :(((((((((((((

Just Some Thoughts About Companion

Just 5 mins ago, I kinda review abit of past month. Things happened. I had sweet dreams & nightmares at the same time in a whole month simultaneously. I appreciate 2 friends comments, which are somewhat very different yet useful at the same time for my state. haha, honestly, now whatever I feel or think is already beyond confusion. I either hope for the mutated universe or just plain god intervention.

C said - just deal with the issues and focuz at the stuff. Dont think what it means.

It's a very wise comment. It's something, yes, I should do!

J said - U cant control how U feel or what U think....just let your mind flow.

It's very true at this moment, esp, when I kinda quiet down, letting my dogs sleep peacefully while watching them. I couldnt help it but drift my thoughts to whoever & whatever.

So, I feel, I have been writing alotta bullshits about relationship, about all the shits, how I dont want a r/p,. bla bla blah. Now, I have a new finding. I cant deny I want a companion. I was always delighted to have my dogs, my frenz like Bruce Wayne, C, J....etc, maybe my msn buddies like Mr Funny or some networking frenz.....they can fulfil most parts of my needs. However, having a companion maybe it's different. Someone who no matter what - despite I am a screwup - will find his ways & means to accept. embrace, adore, and of coz LUV me. And of coz in turn I want to do likewise.

I used to have 3 requirement for a man, I couldnt remember what no.3 was. I just remember today.

1. Luv me

2. Understand me

3. Communicate with me

It's so basic, huh!?!?!? Yet, it's more difficult than it sounds. I feel I found it, but somewhat I lost it......nobody's fault, guess it's life. The reality of life. It's very saddening for me, and I couldnt forsee if I could ever get over it, as after so many years, I found someone that I feel match my criteria. I never care about look, wealth, etc.............

Today I want to add one more to the list as this person has given me that, despite it's short time....

4. Laughter

I hope everyone who reads here finds that companion. Maybe you already have, cherish it, as it's so hard in this world to find that person - indeed a yellow needle in haystack. :)

And I hope I would stop my tears, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as it was so difficult for me to cry last 2 years, while I luv crying - it's so soothing. hahahaa.......I feel my crying hasnt stopped is coz I still feel I lost something so precious to me. It's very 1st time I cried for something I lost. It worths remembering. It worths imprinting inside.

Ummm, now I feel better and becoz of shadow, I have found a new meaning to strive on. Ar, no no, I gotta be fair, it's for shadow & lottie. ^^

Thanks whoever reads here. I luv U all. :D

Staying Positive in front of my dogs

Argh, I was abit negative and sulking the whole afternoon.
Oddly, she was super tired and kinda diming in a way.
So I started speaking very positive and told her I wouldnt cry.
And we would be moving to another apartment next year, where surely can allow dogs, so I could take her out anytime to walk....unlike now to hide her in a bag. And we would be doing stuff when she got well. And I asked her not to worry about the money, I would find a way. And guess what, she suddenly seemed less tired, her eyes were more bright, and she was willing to eat some food (as before, she was vomitting all ther meds & food) and drink water on her own. So I told her she's a gd gal when she licked the food......
Tomorrow, I am going to get some meat, try to see which types she likes, just need to use many ways to enhance her appetite.

OK, I wont cry now.....but stay positive for her. Ummm, all saddness should be gone by now. I had enough and surely she has had enough. So....I am gonna make it. I MUST MUST be able to make it. FOR HER.

My Dogs Dogs

Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.

Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.

Yes I could have options.

1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.

2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.

I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!

Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.

Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.

All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................

How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.

I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.

Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................

FIGHT THE BLACKHOLE

"original title - KILL ME KILL ME....NO BKK NO NO NO"

This time, I am gonna do a ladyboy, SCREW IT. hahahahaahahha

SHIT. I AM MISERABLE. 

My dog is sick.

I am LUV sick. or Luv dead.

I DONT WANT TO SEE THOSE FUCKING EUROPEAN ASSHOLES.

I am totally BROKE.

I AM TOTALLY SHIT.

I AM TOTALLY HELL.

I AM TOTALLY DEAD.

A friend, Mr Funny said below to me....kakakakakakaa, why am I always so lucky to meet FUNNY people. As said, we never met, he's the luckiest man alive as he has a beautiful wife and cutest son. I told him I would put it here, but he didnt say its OK, except - he said it was copied from superbs.com.....ie SUPER BS. com. MY GOD................thanks god for making him, so at least at such hysterical moment, I managed to giggle 2 giggles.

BUT can someone pls use a blade, yes a blade, the sharp fucking long blade...............blade, I was more thinking of the.......who the fuck is that black dude in the fucking vampire movie - BLADE..........no no, I want the japanese sword, YES, sword, very sharp double-edged sword..............JUST SLICE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I asked him a question which is a teenage gal Q which I havent asked for years as it's so childish, and believed he would offer very funny answer from his copying of super bs.com

The Q was: "what do you think of me? What kinda person I am?" (I believe he has Mr Funny's special bloody insights"

Mr Funny: 

You are lost.

You are a sadist.

You are negative.

You are sick.

LOL, should I kill myself, Mr Funny?

NOT finished.

you're at the lowest, darkest fucking valley of your life when everything just dont seem to work and there aint no light at the end of the tunnel

oh..sorry

there's no tunnel
 you're in a fucking blackhole, nothingness,void

YES YES, void....nothingness.....blackhole
 I luv blackhole
  
then you'll stay there. and you like inflicting pain to yourself. that gives u a sense of presence in this world…some kind of proof to yourself that you're really there

 LOL x 10 times

R U my worm in my head?
:
 and after all these years
 u had enough. quite enough to a point that
 you will give yourself a breakthru
 you will shine light within the blackhole
shine from within the blackhole and there will be no more blackness.
 

wow............blackole suck in everything woo............

becos you changed your mind, now you will only embrace light, upward trend of your life, things you decided to control and perfect

That means I will be v powerful

Legless Bird, Every reality comes from your mind

You make the change in your mind and the reality will change

HUH?!?! (he has to go to be with his perfect family......so now I am blablah alone)

SO matrix.......

And does he mean visualization? I had few visions lately but it seems they flung. FUCK. I hate it, so rarely I had good visions..................FUCK! DIU! Scheisse!

Frankly, I have been in blackhole. I Luv my blackhole actually.

It's so safe.........and I could suck everything in, hahahaha.

But his analogy........is....good. Call me gallible. I want it.

I want to shine thru the blackhole............................I have tormented myself long enough.

I let go and luved, but then.......it was sucked back into blackhole. Honestly, if it's so freaking easy, I wud hv done it long time ago. So it means........I have to press on.

FIGHT THE BLACK HOLE.

Back to ladyboy and BKK.

ARGH, I dont know to go to meet this french & belgian. I really dont want to see them. So tiring. They blablah all day, then will head to go go bar, then call the fake boobs ladies, we shoot tequila. I touched the fake boobs last time, did I share it here?? hehe............This time I need to order a ladyboy. I want some shock therapy. Maybe I would meet up the old Blue Blood Line frenchie who wants to take me to some castles.....lol............tequila, ie what I need!!! TEQUILA.

O, tequila. A mouse told me somewhere has this best fruity, home-made shots or tequila......he would bring me there.....guess..........now.......it's impossible, as I am too far from the earth, I am at blackhole, hello. hear me, I AM IN THE BLACKHOLE. (my frenz, I assure you, I am not drunk now, but will be in 2 hrs. hahahahahahahaha.) I have become untouchable again. I should re-watch the movie, Blade & untouchable. I got the dvd, hehe.........i never have much attachment to a place or promises ever.....but guess the first attempt to get outta blackhole was a trial.....I need to become self combusted......to ignite the flame? the eternal light fuel.


But now....I am dim again. It was brightened up abit.....after all these years. I smiled, I laughed, I giggled even alone...........man...............SUX! ^^

Sorry......I am natural high as I cleared some part of conscience by doing something......I think I will laylow, laylow on that most important thing of mine. :(

Sigh..............

Begging

Ai......it seems I have to beg shadow to eat her food. I hope she just wants attention, then I am less worried. I have to say plzzzzz, one more bite plzzzz....she would turn her face away from it, then I kept saying plzzzzz, and gave her a kiss and she would touch the food. pewh. I hate the force-feeding procedure, so messy.......

The whole morning, I have been feeding her med, food....observing her if she has fever or vomitting, then need to somehow get her eyes rolling. It's good that she follows me around with her eyes, so at least she's not as "dead meat" as yesterday. She drinks water on her own and she did go to poo alittle, it's a good sign. Then another hr later, I would attempt the 2nd feeding.....today each meal I am going to split into 3 portions.To be frank, the split meals she has been hving = the no of meals I havent been eating.....

Then, I have to take care of Lottie's feeling as well. Hug her, Stroke her, let her sit on my lap. But as nottie as she is, she's well behaved so far....except stole one pill and tried to gulp the food I was feeding shadow. Apart from that, she hasnt tried to fight for attention, it's like she understands that her big sis is ill.

Above all, I have to spend time talking to each of them. E.g. Shadow, you have to get well, plz spend another 5 years with me, if you eat now, maybe you can spend 8 more years with me. OK? Sorry lorh, I didnt hug you as much becoz of Lottie, I wont do that anymore, I will hug you everyday more & more. Then to Lottie, OK, you have been a good gal, mom luv u, just dont bother shadow so much, OK? I luv U 2 equal, okok?

haha, not easy, huh!!??

But I am hopeful. :)

Force-Feed

Well, to be a good mom, you can never forfeit, but U have to force-feed if your kids, in my case, my dog shadow doesnt want to eat. I got no syringe and the drug stores are all close. So I have to cut all chicken into very fine pc, mix with some babyfood to enhance the taste then add in some can food esp for liver, mix it.

Then grab some into my fingers and feed her.....and this is going to be all night process as I dont want her to eat too much at one go that may activate her projectile vomitting. Plus in between, I have to feed her 7 types of medicines..........

I salute mom. U who are a mom, I salute U. U who want to be a mom, I salute U more. hahaha.

My shadow has been with me for over 12 years, and she never needed to be force-fed. She's always good if I feed her medicine, she's still good, just that she has no appetite at all.

She rubbed against the cage at vet coz she stayed overnite for the drip
See! Her nose is hurt now. :((((((((((((((

:(

Good Info if You have a Dog

http://www.vetinfo.com/what-to-do-if-your-sick-dog-wont-eat.html

I feel.

Shooting pain without pain killers.
Universe without stars.
Sun without glare.
Cigarrette wuthout a light.
Heartache without the heart.
Suffocation without the hanging robe.
Thinking without the working brain.
Oozing tears without the eyes.


Frostbite.
Frozen.
Excruciating.

Shadow has been such a good dog. I feel guilty I havnt been a perfect mom to her. If you do say a prayer to God sometimes, pls help me pray that He wont take her away from me now. Plz. Thanks.