Foggy Weather Foggy Mind

Hong KONG- FOGGED with RAINS & MISTS.

OK, keep pouring so can wash away the draggy humid firey hot atmosphere, I hope. I hope this rain is heavy enough that just wash away all the heat dispersed in every molecule around me and radiated from the ground. Heat reminds me of S'pore.

I hate S'pore. I spent 1.5 yr there, so I could tell you why I hate it.

Every freaking day, the sky pours a whole chunk of water to the earth, and maybe for 30-60 mins, POURED like they just want to kill all the living things on earth. OK, then next, the sun comes - SCORCHING the ground, just burn it within 5 mins. Yes, ie the time I usually got off work, right between the water all evaporated & the ground got really heated up. I hate the freaking refraction of of heat via the pool of water on ground, plus the evaporating earth. Every walk I took, it got me closer to suicide. Really. Of coz, boring lifestyle over there was killing me - so basically I became like a dry corpse. My bro asked me once - when he visited me there, why I looked like the sad movie star in a japanese movie - "Love letter".....hohohohohho........thank you bro, as I got so melancholized by this city!!

OK, sorry, I always find a chance to step on S'pore, as I got bad moments there. 

Yes, back to HK. Foggie....So Foggie.....My mind has become foggie too. The burger I ate yesterday - was supposed to be delicious, but I couldnt remember if I did eat it or not. I remembered I cried yesterday, but I couldnt almost recall why. I think I did sleep many hours, but I feel so exhausted and tried. Actually, I dont like memory very much....happy or bad, also dislike, hence I write, so I can chase back some past at times.

But when the situation is, you need to rely on memories - I need to reset my system. It's not something easy for me, as my brain doesnt really work like that. Guess some of you would be jealous of me, as maybe U spend too much time to linger to the past, as for me - I dont like to linger anything of the past, but of coz ironically I luv all the vintage stuff & stories, all the ancient civilization & structure....etc. Yet, within myself, I dont think I worth myself mesmerizing so much, U know. Well, yet, I seem to talk alot from my memories...

Actually, hardly anyone would believe me that I dont live in the past.......but my mind really doesnt work like that, at least for past 10 yrs. 

OK, so it's established. I am a confused, fogged being. 

Ummmm............Maybe I should step out of the rain & let it drench me. Actually I think I mentioned somewhere, I rarely take my umbrella out even I know it will rain. I let it fall on me....and I dont understand why some people got so scared, for freakin sake, just feel drops of the water which very likely were your sweat you shed during your shag 2 months ago, which now fell back on you....it';s a cycle, why so afraid to get drowned back into your own sweat?

hehe, sorry....my mind is fogged so I cant think of anything intelligent to write, but...sorry, I just want to type, u know. As I am bored & melancholic.

Procrastination Karma

I always believe in collecting good karma, but I feel I am collecting a bad karma - Procrastination. Due to laziness, or due to emotion - whatever reasons I could grab to justify why - I procrastinate. I start to feel the damages and I need to start from today to rid off it.

Our stolen 72 hours

Stolen moments are always sweetest, dont u think?

I got our stolen 72 hours, at least on my side, it's unexpected.

Being online, on par, on land, on same time zone together - to me it's stolen moments.

I find that the sweetest loving words are not "U r beautiful" or "U r my most important person", as somehow despite these are smittenly sweet, there could be some which will make U smile from the core. Such as "I luv U becoz the way U look at me, U make me feel like a woman", "I luv U when I see u looking at me through your glasses", "I luv U when U touch the hair on my arm" hehehehe......"I luv U becoz everytime U look me me, I feel like Don Juan".....

I guess, somehow, dont be cliche, dont be boring.

Say something slightly different to your lover or your wife or your gf & vice versa for the galz.

But to me, it's not the words. I think, I finally had it. It's just perfection, when U see yourself through someone's eyes - U see U have become whole, U are the perfected version of the best human kind, the most beautiful being - arrrghhh, that sensation is awesome!

It couldnt be

Maybe I was born to be a hopeless romantic. Well, I control my romantic genes most of my adulthood, as I know I could go crazy, for even things I dun like. Esp, I believe I would never meet something I really luv. It's fine. 

And so, when young, sometimes I read luv stories...stole my mom's luv story books, usually from taiwan, honestly they are freaking cliche. The gal is always always fair, with deep soulful eyes. Chinese dont really have deep eyes much....and the man is always very gentle or wild with rich background. So - after few books, I just knew these are shitty idiots writing for some other idiotic dreamers!! So I can tell u.....in my life I rarely read any luv stories. OK, I visited Twilight Saga - as I like vampire stories, ok, they r horrible books, and I basically skipped many pages - as I just like to read Edward parts, I hate that Bella part, so....in cantonese I would say "So mah lun fen", in english would be "fucking retard".

But this year, all my genes have flooded to the surface. As I said, someone very special gave me the Norwegian Wood, and so I started reading, still do....upto chapter ten. I have to say the author's choice of words, and description is pretty good, and it's a very basic luv story with slightly unusual characters. I hvnt finished it, so I cant rate. But one thing, now I understand why he gave me this book, as I could see me & him everywhere in the book, the conversation, our responses.....haha....pretty awesome.

I always fantasize something so out of the world thing, but when U clash with it. Then U would start to fathom if I am living in the real world or in matrix system. Anyhow, even recognizing it has made me feel very sad & lonely. It does to him too. Maybe I shouldnt mention here, but....I also dont really want to talk to anyone. So I feel by polluting minds via internet is the safest place for me, so I dont need to "feel" or try to be very rational when I talk about it. Yes, every time when I re-count something traumatising with people, I always sound quite logical that people wouldnt think I was in pain or on the verge of nervous breakdown. This is how I cope.....

So thanks for dropping by and reading. Pls dont ask me for details, for those who know me. I would tell u one day in a separate email, as my practice.

P.s, this week, really not in the mood of writing, I came back to edit many grammer or thought errors, which I usually rarely edit, as even I am not perfect, so freaking what!?!?! huh!!? but.....this one, too much errors even in the structure itself. Like a mad man gibbering on . I apologize!

I hate GoodBye

When I was studying in OZ, I was an overseas student, so of coz I mixed with alotta same kinda students, from different countries, such as M'sia, S'pore, or so on. And I always started crying....onceI knew they would be leaving OZ and going back to their home countries. I would feel so sad to know...."oh yes this is my last year" (I HATE THIS PHASE WITH UTMOST DETEST), I would start my moodiness even it's 10 months away. So, maybe it could explain why I never was happy there - always suicidal & depressive.

hehe.

Then, the other nite, I finally watched Taxi Driver. I got the movie for long long long time, but the title really didnt interest me much, and I am no fan of Robert Deniro. Anyhow, there was no other disc, so I watched. One thing that struck me was Robert character always said SO LONG when he was trying to say Bye.

And I started thinking......why english word is so weird...."So long", why? Where did it come from that equate to 'Goodbye"?!?! Then, spoken from his tongue - "the taxi driver" - I thought......maybe somewhat this "So Long" isnt a well-meaning goodbye. (So pls never use this word on me, man!) It may mean, hey dude, it's been so long freaking seeing U, I really dont want to see U any longer, so....Yes, SO LONG! :D

I dunno, I am just bullshitting as usual.

I started few entries, but none could be completed, as few things have been distracting me. Also, my mental being has flown to a very exotic country. Ai.......I will be back!

Thx for dropping by. :)

Eternity Away

Sometimes, we think we have eternity to dwell on a topic, or a life, or a love, or a youth , or many an hour, or voluptuous a minute, but we know.....it's not....or it is?!?!......we just could be less than a dot in the infinity of "time". 

I always share with my frenz...I should say "shared" as I was more zenith when I was younger- kinda like a buddha for some period as some quoted. I always shared with them not to dwell on the minute or the period, as when we looked from an infinity point of view, that stretch of time was really minimal & small & insignificant. What I was trying to say, I guess..:P...., was to encourage them to look past the situation or the moment of torment.

Yet, I have to admit, I always think I have a lotta time. Time to finish a conversation, time to get on with life, time to do something "meaningful", even time to love many times over all over again.......haha. Ummm.

There's this dialogue from this HK movie "Love in a Puff" (mentioned in one of my entries before) - the guy was telling the gal they got a lot of time to finish the topic....I remember someone told me that too. Then,

I somewhat think, why do I like questions - questioning & being questioned so much, as it just shrinks down the time and boil down to the major points. And maybe by that I could find my eternity within non-eternity. Yet, today, I am trying to find back a handwritten doodle from someone, I couldnt locate it. I realize, we dont hv the time, let alone eternity to talk or to explore....let alone questioning & answering.....it's just dissipating with time....

Then I did some search on the oldest cities of the world ie still being inhabited...(I am surprised China isnt in there), when U see, 1000BC, 4000 BC, 9000 BC.......I couldnt but feel amazed at our, indeed, undeniably small & tiny & insignificant being & existence. Who am I to talk about "time" like someone who knows!?!?

And, hence got me to think, sometimes someone would tell you you guyz would have "alotta time" to dwell, and other times someone would tell u, hey dude, we r running out of time. It's kinda ironical, when more U feel it's out of time, things become more intensive in a way......anyhow.....my again bullshitting.

So to reward you, I want to share this link with U, about the 20 oldest cities of the world. It's kinda interesting, and maybe you would plan to spend "time" to head out there.....to feel the "old"ness of the soul of the cities.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6242644/The-worlds-oldest-cities.html?image=10

And I once watched this movie - despite I couldnt remember a thing about the plot, it stuck in my head - the mood and I got the soundtrack - Eternity and a Day.



It grips my heart everytime I hear this - the loneliness, the eternity....of...etc etc...whatever U put at the etc.

History of the blog name

How I came about this name? It all started in 2007, 1 Oct. After a firework viewing from a Peking Road 1, my ex-employer's salon location, with wine & small dessert. I never liked fireworks that much honestly as the only thing fireworks remind me of would be NOISE, CROWD, RUDE PEOPLE - ie the situation in HK if U r not as well-off, U dont have luxury to book a hotel room or go to a prestige building with a fantastic rooftop. The best thing watching from the high floor within a bldg is that somehow the firework is level with U. It was exactly that moment, I was abit awe-struck. The fireworks was blossoming in front of me, without needing me to tilt or head up my heavy head.

And as I went home - I was sitting on my bed thinking (at that time, I was staying in some sorta studio flat, in an old bldg, the walls were painted orange). How I felt I was like a bird caged within this cage, with no ability to fly off. Of coz then, I was with my ex, he was kinda....how to say....useless in everything. He isnt stupid, but he's just useless. I'd sometimes rather be with people who are stupid and useless - seems more matching, U know. I have been with 2 of such ex-es, smart but useless. Sigh....I didnt manage to inspire them, ie my failure, of coz.

OK, back to my cage. So I was in agony that nite. I determined I would fly off, maybe till I could be exhausted to death, I still dun mind. I think......a caged legless bird is the most tortured being if not the most, shud be the top 3....they are born to fly, yet, they have no legs - yet people accuse them for being "not grounded" - I sometimes dont know how to respond to such "accusation" as I do understand where they are coming from, but then somehow my ground & their grounds are totally different, anyways. And they are like spreading more coal on already fired-up agony, anguish - these people, they shud be BURNT in hell, if hell is indeed made of fire, hehe.

Then to add on more salts to the wound, this bird has been caged & chopped off her legs by the society, or by family, or by world's values, despite she has been fighting it off. And she did allow all these to capture her into a cage, as she thought, maybe ie how one should be a human, anyways. or a real bird, anyways. 

Just try to imagine, a bird who is born to fly, being kept in the cage, WITH no LEGS. This bird is wounds all over everywhere, as she would be a mad bird just trying to balance at the same time to fly and to rest with no legs........................Lately, someone has been mentioning the word Phoenix to me, esp he said my tattoo looked like one. And I was thinking - today - when will be my turn to just fly off from the ash (from the cage) like the phoenix. Surely, I feel the time is close. Once it happens, my blog will stop, but will turn to another one, as it's going to transcend all I have written here. I am dying for that moment, as surely it must be an exciting episode of my life.

Hope U like my blog's name. :)

Understanding from Shattered Glass

As I said, I broke a glass pot yesterday and I managed to step on one broken piece and bled my toe. So, I did try my best to remove the broken pieces as I dont want myself or my dogs to step on the broken debris at all.

Yet, I tried to vacuum my place again today, as my dogs do shed alotta hair, hence I need some vacuum every few days, and I found one broken pc in an usual place, I mean it was far from where I broke the glass.

Then made me think - shattered glass is kinda like broken heart. At times, U think U have recovered, but the fact is, every once in a while, to your surprise, U could still manage to find the debris somewhere somehow. Not that U search for the pieces, but they would show up somehow, no matter how well U "clean" it. So, my resolution as I was "removing" that piece, maybe constant "probing" the floor (feeling) with regular vacuuming (detox or cleaning) would help to rectify.....and mend the broken heart as best as we could!!?!

No reasons but....he's Mr Deer.

OK. I fell in luv today! Truth be told with................my Mr Deer.

I went to an event, and I was supposed to offer my "professional" knowledge & my "personal" experience to the bloggers. OK. I like talking but I didnt sleep much the nite before, to keep level headed was quite a task for me! Anyways, I dealt. I did. I think they took some pics of me....YUCK.

I hope I would never freaking see myself in their blogs, that wud be embarrassing to the world. :P

But he's Mr Deer. He cant speak, of coz. And he can never be mine coz it belongs to the studio's owner. Yet, I cant help but fall in luv with him. And the fact is, I could only hv him for split second. Next other galz r going after him. SUCK!!!! U see for yourself. he's indeed so adorable. U can mount him, U can hug him, U can kiss him....hehe...luv it. Ok, maybe U can buy me a blowup doll as next Xmas gift.....:P

I think he's very lonely now, without my hugs. I had been hugging him the whole day. I mean, I am not a doll person, look at me, do I look like I like a doll?? But this one, without reasons, without logic, I just fell in luv.

Yesterday

1. I heard symphony in MTR - well, maybe U would name it noise, but it covered the noise of gibberish.

2. Bright light burnt my eyes in MTR as it went from tunnel to surface - it's the most amazing wakeup scene for me. Really shocked me back to life from my melancholic moment.

3. Someone drew me. I was featured like a superhero witch, with alotta blue hair. I luv it. The eyes were fierce, abit hysterical, yet moody.......but she's in for revenge & some killing. hehe.

4. I broke a glass and then stepped on a broken pc - bloody & broken, what else better to start a day?!

5. I went to a cafe, sat there alone, no...I bumped into a fren. Not exactly a fren, but my ex's ex gf.....hehe, quite ironically, huh??!! We chatted for like 30 mins. Kinda cool.

6. Sitting at the cafe, looking at the other empty table - kinda like an eternity away.

7. I felt pain in my heart. Pple wud say - gripping, crippling, excruciating, sharp, unbearable pain - yet today, I experienced for the first time lava of pains. Kinda like a growing bubble then POP - PAIN. That kinda gradually escalating pain then reached to its climax....kinda like a climax in a drama, really.

8. I looked at my phone every 15 mins for no real reasons

9. I finally started recording my idea on a book with one character (ME) in 3 characters, as I realize one thing - I can no longer use one personality to describe me.

10. Death came to me again but I treated it like my ex - fuck off, get away from me. I dont really luv u that much.

:)

Happy week, everyone!

This thing isnt for U, gal.

I had a weird conversation with my taiwanese fren (who used to be my supplier) few mths ago, and now we have become good frenz, both are sentimental beings anyways, despite, he always thinks I am impractical, yet likes my crazy impracticality......so, that day, 

I showed him a diary - the things I wrote down. He looked at me and said -

gal, it's not for U! This thing doesnt suit u.

I then said, why? U keep hving it......few at a time, why it doesnt suit me?

becoz U r U, U dont belong to this thing

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................................

As I pondered, I dont still get it why he said that, though I kinda do

certain things - people are born to deal with

while for some, it's better never to touch it

as it may destroy your being

Yet, I said, something is already cracked open

so, I cant really mend it back, paste it back anyways

might as well, just freaking dived in

As usual, everytime, he talks to me, he would end by shaking his head smiling

and I guess, one way he is admiring my crazy

one way he's disagreeing with "luv" with my idiocracy! :)

Ar, yes, I do hv many good frenz who luv me. :D