My Lottie

 

Lottie came to me when she was 3 month old and when I was raising her big sister Shadow (a sausage dog). Middle child of my sister’s dog Cherry, Lottie was born tiniest amongst the lot of three and we thought she might not live long because of her 15-day old pneumonia. Little did we know, she is now biggest amongst her family (She is basically double the size of her chihuahua parents & siblings).

 

She has many names - the brat, my baby, my ugly monster, the princess, Miss PR - to some she is quite naughty as she likes to run around, demand for snack & affection! To me, she is perfectly “naughty” hence her name – Lottie.

 

She is in charge of my household, ensuring no harm and mess comes to her mommy. I never knew that a small tiny thing like her would be so understanding and loving. Indeed, I fell in love with her the day she was brought home. She helps me understand that we could never bring sadness or anger home! (she contracted meningitis when she was a little under 2 years old, according to the vet neurologist it happens sometimes to small breed dogs which tend to be so close to the owners that if the owners may have emotional fluctuation or long absence, they might develop such disease). It took her sickness to relook trajectory into my life and confront my emotion health.

 

Shadow taught me to be a responsible adult (grown-up), Lottie made me learn to be a Mom.

 

She just turned 13 in 15 Jan 2023, many say she still looks like a 5 year old with perfect shiny hair. I believe love and happiness always make one look better 😊. Surely for a chihuahua breed like her, she has now been diagnosed with heart condition, a vet did say she might not live pass 2023. It is the most devastating news of coz, to me. So, One month at a time, One walk at a time – I pray that God will allow more years for me to be her mom.

 

In summary,

 

Lottie has made me happy, letting me know there is always a good reason to come home.

how can I not love more? (posted on Facebook)

How, can I not love my Lottie more than, maybe shadow? yes people would say I have favouritism.




Honestly, taking shadow in was a selfish act as I was missing my collie-BoBo too much, and also when I saw her - I knew she would be put to death by pet shop as no one would take her in at that time - when animal rights were even worse than now. (BoBo-Dog visited me in my dream and told me he became human- ie when I found release after months of his death.) Shadow came along and she was very detached dog - kinda like me, so when I cried, she never really care, except - wanting food & toy.

Now I have a second dog - Lottie - she has brightened up my days & nights simply  - she is opp to me & shadow. She's darling, loving, and she put her mama as her first priority. Not food nor toy. When I cry, she wud sit on my belly looking at me. Of coz both of them luv everyone who visit my home-Lottie always needs to do more to convince pple to luv her, becoz she seems more crazy and active. But once she quiets down, the whole world isnt about food or toys, but about U - me or my frenz. When shadow was sick, she would intentionally walk away from me so shadow could stick ard me. After desex, she didnt even bother to lick her wound which is something a dog wud normally do. She wud always prioritize going out with me to be more important than taking my treats (shadow is always opposite, food first). When she eats, I ask her to stop - she would obediently wait until I say OK without any sneering or anger.

And now I luv her more day after day, as every nite esp, she is like my guardian angel always checking on me. Not that I dun luv shadow, but sometimes I think luv needs to be earned. U couldnt sit there and wait for luv. People, or dogs, or cats could luv u without reasons, but yet U need to earn to make them luv u continuously. It's a realistic world - no one can be dead fish in practice and yet gain everything.

So, no, I luv both of my dogs but I do have my fav, yes Lottie has been my fav since long time, as she makes me feel - being a mom or master has some rewards, has some luv in return not coz I could give her food or make her happy, but simply becoz she just adores me, and she works hard to adore me.

I luv u, Lottie....kisssssss

Watching Lottie

Lottie is indeed nottie
as she's jumpie
but within my heart, I know she's just a babie

Watching her sleep, I feel peaceful and calmie

Lottie is so nottie
She's just so friendly
She's just coz  a babie
for the rest of her life

Watching her sulk, make me wearie

Lottie is just Lottie
She's who she is
all her heart consume with just mommie

Watching Lottie, I want to tell her mommie is just sleepie

Go to sleep Lottie
in peace
you are always my babie

My Lottie

Just FUCKING step

I jsut fucking want to throw my dogs out
THEY fucking follow ME EVERY FUCKING STEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
I cant do anything, as SHADOW just wants to see if I got any food to eat
BEFORE I begged her to eat, she ignored me
NOW SHE WANTS TO FUCKING OVEREAT
SHE EVEN WANTS TO EAT ME

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK, thanks, I just need to yell somewhere.

Shadow eye look look Lottie bungie jump

After One week, Shadow is...

After one week of refusal to eat, today, to my surprise, I could hear her tummy grumbling....gloorrrhhhh gluuuuuuu............so I fed her few kibbles, and she finished them. Then I gave her some chicken, she finsiehd them. Then a pc of dog biscuit my sis made, she finished it....despite it took a while, I just put it at her food tray....let her decide for herself. 

I never have a pb with shadow doesnt want to eat...so now seeing her eat makes me overjoyed. I have become rested within, abit anyways. Hence, I made myself a pot of coffee as I didnt even make any for past 1 week. Now its time I could have a good cuppa.

She's less clingy, but I could see that she's happier. I hope it's just simple liver infection, but not liver cancer. I do want her to spend another 5 years with me.......:D

Thanks for your concern or your prayer. :)

Staying Positive in front of my dogs

Argh, I was abit negative and sulking the whole afternoon.
Oddly, she was super tired and kinda diming in a way.
So I started speaking very positive and told her I wouldnt cry.
And we would be moving to another apartment next year, where surely can allow dogs, so I could take her out anytime to walk....unlike now to hide her in a bag. And we would be doing stuff when she got well. And I asked her not to worry about the money, I would find a way. And guess what, she suddenly seemed less tired, her eyes were more bright, and she was willing to eat some food (as before, she was vomitting all ther meds & food) and drink water on her own. So I told her she's a gd gal when she licked the food......
Tomorrow, I am going to get some meat, try to see which types she likes, just need to use many ways to enhance her appetite.

OK, I wont cry now.....but stay positive for her. Ummm, all saddness should be gone by now. I had enough and surely she has had enough. So....I am gonna make it. I MUST MUST be able to make it. FOR HER.

My Dogs Dogs

Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.

Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.

Yes I could have options.

1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.

2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.

I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!

Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.

Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.

All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................

How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.

I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.

Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................

Begging

Ai......it seems I have to beg shadow to eat her food. I hope she just wants attention, then I am less worried. I have to say plzzzzz, one more bite plzzzz....she would turn her face away from it, then I kept saying plzzzzz, and gave her a kiss and she would touch the food. pewh. I hate the force-feeding procedure, so messy.......

The whole morning, I have been feeding her med, food....observing her if she has fever or vomitting, then need to somehow get her eyes rolling. It's good that she follows me around with her eyes, so at least she's not as "dead meat" as yesterday. She drinks water on her own and she did go to poo alittle, it's a good sign. Then another hr later, I would attempt the 2nd feeding.....today each meal I am going to split into 3 portions.To be frank, the split meals she has been hving = the no of meals I havent been eating.....

Then, I have to take care of Lottie's feeling as well. Hug her, Stroke her, let her sit on my lap. But as nottie as she is, she's well behaved so far....except stole one pill and tried to gulp the food I was feeding shadow. Apart from that, she hasnt tried to fight for attention, it's like she understands that her big sis is ill.

Above all, I have to spend time talking to each of them. E.g. Shadow, you have to get well, plz spend another 5 years with me, if you eat now, maybe you can spend 8 more years with me. OK? Sorry lorh, I didnt hug you as much becoz of Lottie, I wont do that anymore, I will hug you everyday more & more. Then to Lottie, OK, you have been a good gal, mom luv u, just dont bother shadow so much, OK? I luv U 2 equal, okok?

haha, not easy, huh!!??

But I am hopeful. :)

Force-Feed

Well, to be a good mom, you can never forfeit, but U have to force-feed if your kids, in my case, my dog shadow doesnt want to eat. I got no syringe and the drug stores are all close. So I have to cut all chicken into very fine pc, mix with some babyfood to enhance the taste then add in some can food esp for liver, mix it.

Then grab some into my fingers and feed her.....and this is going to be all night process as I dont want her to eat too much at one go that may activate her projectile vomitting. Plus in between, I have to feed her 7 types of medicines..........

I salute mom. U who are a mom, I salute U. U who want to be a mom, I salute U more. hahaha.

My shadow has been with me for over 12 years, and she never needed to be force-fed. She's always good if I feed her medicine, she's still good, just that she has no appetite at all.

She rubbed against the cage at vet coz she stayed overnite for the drip
See! Her nose is hurt now. :((((((((((((((

:(

Good Info if You have a Dog

http://www.vetinfo.com/what-to-do-if-your-sick-dog-wont-eat.html

I have some regrets this morning

My motto is never to regret over things you have done.
Think of the consequences before acting upon it.

But today, I have, which is very very rare in my life. I dont say much like....yes I do have this regret that I did....etc etc. Today, I feel it.

I regret I have dogs. They are driving me crazy. I tried to clean my place, they folowed me around. I tried to vaccum, they thought I was playing with them. I was worrying about next few days issues, they jumped all over me wanting some luving from mama.

I think, I hv never said that before, maybe I am just abit melachonic today. If they die, I wouldnt hv another pets ever ever again. You know, once you have them, you target to be responsible for them for 15 years. Lottie is only 1 year old, meaning I have another 14 years. And by then, to have another active dog would be impossible. Maybe you say I could pick a quiet one........but this is my character, things are with me tend to be neurotic & crazy. I wont try to fight this kama, but enjoy it as much as I can.

That makes me understand why men dont want to have kids after certain age. Seriously, it takes stamina, energy, alot of committment & responsibility to have kids, even worse than me having 2 dogs. For women, we may not need to think too much about it, as the biology will help us decide anyways. I start to understand more now........I guess, galz, dun push your guyz to have kids. If they actually dont want, but this is the most important thing for you, find another man.......really.

Dog's outfits are more expensive

But I just cant help it.........need to get ready for CNY..........ah mom not easy to be!

Dreams

I actually quite enjoy few dreams I had lately, every few weeks something funny came up.

1. I am still trying to decipher my Golden Python and Huge Sea turtle meaning. I just cant shake them off.

2. Last nite, I had another funny dream. In my dream, I was hanging out with my fren, Leo. And we were abit drunk as usual. He asked me to sneak into his house N took a rest, not to let his mom knows, somehow the whole thing is like going back to high school-the alternate universe. Think about it. We both lived in Melb at around the same time, we never met. We knew each other when we came back to HK. I guess we would be alcoholic & addicts if we did meet back in Melb. hahaha, breaking all the rules, thou by what I know, he did break many rules over there. me no., I was a saint in Melb.

Then next, I went to this house, it was filled with dog-people. Yes, I saw them as people and they could talk, but they were actually dogs, canines, yes! So I felt compassion over them, so I chose three. On our way home, I was worried, as my mom didnt like dogs, cats, pets.........so I asked them if they were toilet-trained? I begged them to make sure they would pee, shit at the rite place, as if not my mom would be so pissed. (I lived alone for years, why wud I concern my mom - again it's like an alternate universe, whereby dogs=humans). Then one of them told me they gotta take this medicine, but forgot to bring. I said I would buy them. So I asked them if they were already de-sexed yet. They said no. So I asked them to use their own money to do so, as I got no money to do for them. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Funny!! huh!!??

Lottie M

Sigh, my small dog "Chi-mama" Lottie (not chihuahua as she's too big to be called that) has PERIOD. YES M, MENSTRUAL, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! The funny thing was that I was so worried about her being raped during 2 week ago dog party but I was told unless she started to have M then she wudnt get defiled. The next day, she had M....shit, she's such a ham sup dog. She so wants to get laid. I gotta desex her once her M is done, which is ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! Two more weeks to go......SIGH!!!! BIG BIG SIGH!!!!

My lovely baby needs to be 100% pure, virgin for the rest of her life......kekeke

After 3 months

After 3 months of a new addition of canine - Lottie - into my life, I struggled for the first two months. As her character is abit like Shadow - NAUGHTY & CRAZY (also just like me)!! I at first cried because I couldnt understand why all my dogs, the two of them, were so handful and chaotic creative. I felt exhausted every second just looking at both of them, messing up my every inch of home.

Lottie (aka Lor Lor)

But now, I am starting to enjoy both of their presence. With shadow alone, it was great, afterall we have been together for like 10 years. Now, even Shadow is adjusting to the new addition Lottie. They never fight, it's a good thing. They both sleep peacefully with me, and need to be around me all the time. Life....without them would be so empty & less smile..

Shadow (aka Shadow BB)

I love them so so much!!!!

A Little Bit Broken

I was woken up by my Shadow's cough - well, I should say her nightmare. I turned on the light to check on her, realizing on her shiny black hair lie some grey hair. I know it's inevitable, and she's actually in good health. My vet already said I maintained my dog really well, as for her kind by 6 yo, they would tend to appear "old" "fat" with "alotta grey hair".

But I couldnt help it but started sobbing. I am so afraid she would get sick (including Lottie) - as I couldnt afford for their vet fees at the moment. So I told them, pls dont get sick for now.......I am working hard to change the situation. I hope they get my meaning.

Looking at Shadow, I sometimes think how lucky I am to have such a crazy dog. She eats anything and everything. She jumps like a cat. She runs like a real mad dog. She plays like there's no tomorrow. She sleeps like a baby.

She's already 10yo, turning 11 actually. I heard her kind could live upto 15, 18 or so. My hope is she would stay alive with me till at least 15 yo. I dont want her to suffer. I want it to be a healthy death (hahahah.....what's that word??!!) But yes, healthy death. Not much pain. Not much sorrow. 

It's just strange to say that she has been with me for over 10 years. I dont even remember I keep something for 10 years or been in a relationship for that long. How can one not feel sad when death seems so imminent even though silly me has already secretly prepared for that day 10 years ago,  on the very first day I took her home?! 

Arrrghhh.......

I will buy some good snack for her tomorrow. And give her a great walk this weekend. 

(I love this picture, she looks like an ET dog with beaming eye weapon)

Walking My Dogs

This week, I walked my dogs twice. 

My Lottie is almost 6 month old, I am trying to make her listen to me even not at home.

I always have this pb of controlling dogs or people if we are not kept in the secure place- Home.

E.g. My first dog - BoBo, a Collie. He's the best, most adorable, kindest, sweetest dog ever. He loved me so much. He would follow me everywhere at HOME (only). I went to toilet, he wud wait outside of the bathroom. I studied at my crammed corner, he wud be sleeping under my seat. Whenever I got up, he wud quickly get up just to follow me everywhere, anywhere. 

Yet, he could never obey me once we went out. I still dont know why. He only listened to my sis & dad....O well.

He died almost 10 years ago. I couldnt see him at the end. For this, I was mad with my mom for months. I believed he wanted to see us one last time b4 he drew his last breath. He was trying hard to stay alive, even though time and oxygen were going against him. But from what I was told, he was trying - but my mom was mercilessly letting him die at vet's hand. SHIT. Talking about it make me angry.


I knew about his death weeks after. That made me more mad. My moms said, she was afraid I would be too upset. COME ON! What's the diff??!!! On that night or 30 days later - the effect was the same!


Anyhoos, I thought of him alot since then. I felt very very bad always. Then one day, I had a dream which I believed he gave to me intentionally, from far away in the galaxy. He told me he was fine. He became a human and I gotta not to worry about it anymore. I woke up in tears, but since then I felt relieved. No more guilts.


Sometimes, I believe maybe dogs would love me more than anyone. The only handicap they have is they cant make money, they cant pour tea for me......


Dont you wonder sometimes, why we are all created this way? human or dog.

How could I sleep well?

I have insomnia. Or I should say I always sleep at the wrong time, like daybreak.

I try very hard to sleep early, like today, I slept maybe at 1am. Everytime I sleep before 5am, my dogs would do something weird - play with poos or vomit in front of me................I feel so so so so depressed by this. I feel like killing myself as my life is no longer mine. My sleep can never be redeemed. Can I just take medicine that render some sleep??? I wanted to sleep early so I could get up to be more attentive to my work.

I dont know what to do. I cant be positive anymore. I feel like swipped into a blackhole. My breath, my blood, my sweet, my desire, my energy - sucked into it.