Looking Back

This is one of those mornings, I got up and thought of the many mistakes I made during this year and some time ago. I usually did it every few days in the past, now I do it collectively in one go. I am facing some consequences and maybe doing it now in beginning of Dec is good, so kinda - I could set some resolution end of this month. I have been waiting for 2012 to arrive since dunno-when, yes I am always intrigued by weird stuff....and Mayan calendar has been the topic btw some frenz, eg Bruce since many yrs ago.

I think I always thought, by the time 2012, I would already visit Peru and be transported away from earth, haha. Or it;s already end of time and rapture is taking place, blaaaa.

Mistakes, well....some of the mistakes I made were due to ignorance. Maybe people say I am an impulsive person....yea, maybe, so I made some mistakes. But many were committed due to my emotional state. Somewhere I heard, some women would take testosterones to cure their fluctuating emotion, and I always think maybe ie what I need. hehe.

Lately. I have been wishing abit if only I could be more like my frenz & family, then if that's the case, my life should be less turmoil (maybe). Or if I didnt rely on so much of my decision making skills, guess....I wouldnt be alone now. Or, if I did this or that, I would be a more successful person, etc.

This year is esperically obvious. I have been affected by stuff that basically handicap my every move, and frankly-----for someone who rarely exercise regrets, I feel abit regretful. so this morning, when I got up, I started analysising......the mistake I made couple of months ago, nothing big....but it may affect my fren, so what I am going to do is to take all responsibility, and that's my decision. I need my soul to be restful - despite she made half of the mistakes too, yet, people never think they have done anything wrong.....yet, I need to have clear conscience - and honestly ultimately one day I analyse myself I wud think by my doing it is an act of impulse. But I need it to be out of my head as fast as possible.

Then beginning of the year, I trusted someone - actually I havent thought about it for a while.....and it affected me abit only....as I didnt tell that person to go to hell, rather, I blessed him - may his con find his way back to him one day, U reap what U sow. So I wonder.....if I did sow something bad in the past too, hehe.

All these are not really committed due to impulse, rather coz of ignorance....not understanding something well enough....so I must put this in my head today to take heed of the lessons.

Of coz then.....some romances, and bla.....I find men do affect my emotional state alot. Maybe, as many say I am a floating person, many a times I would hope to be grounded somewhere...as pple say, to rest. Yet, I think it's not the case, so I must learn to more compartmentalize myself. It's something I forsake it for some time........

I am not moody but surely I am not in good mood. Scratching out mistakes is quite tough to the soul, but I must find ways to untie it one by one so I could be set free and I need to be free......As I do hope by the time this blog hit maybe 600 entries, or something....I could say wow, I am a free bird now....haha, flying....I doubt it wud happen by 600, but then it's a nice target, achievable and soon. :)

Have a good weekend.

Quilt Cover

Tonight is cold, and I am going to bring my not too warm quilt out soon. And I remember this quilt cover that my ex bought with me in Australia. I am not sentimental or attached to things of the past much, but tonite I somewhat thought of him as he was my refuge my hospital once. I think in my life I have come across many men - he's definitely not a core shaken nor a soul revivalist, but he is a hospital. Frankly, I used him to cure my wounds.....since after him, I have become many's hospitals.....I always think it;s a karma thing.

I am thinking over the changes I have attained past 10 years. I have changed alot. Then this word, metamorphosis came to mind and I wonder....as many people wud call me butterfly as many know I am not an earthy animal....I wonder if I am actually experiencing the bursting out pain now to become a real butterfly. I hope it is....as I still have hopes, U know. I am just slightly fearful that....that's it.

I think, I want to buy a new quilt cover with someone else...I want new memory, I want new things. I am frankly not attached to this cover, haha....nah, I am more cold-blooded than that. I just dont attach things to a face much. But lately though someone has brought out this side of me....but I am resisting that, or,...maybe with some sorta attachment is a good thing!? I think so....maybe it's ok then. I think people with not obsessive attachment is a healthy living being. I am definitely the cold-blooded kind,.....so I am learning.....metapmorphosising....and hope maybe one day I will indeed turn into a bright pretty uniquely patterned butterfly. As I said in pewvious entry.....I negotiated my way with god(s)....another thing I would put on the table is - I genuinely want to bless people with the good things I have, be it love, money, joy, care.....actually I am a wonderful person and am gonna bless many people, so I would pray when I pray maybe god could help me a little, so....in turn I can bless the world, or at least people ard me. How to draw more water from an already dry-up well, ie my arguement point.

U think god will buy? I hope he's reasonable enough to buy my negotiation points.

OK, hehe...just some thoughts before sleep. And dont mean to be negative....but ai well, as said, this is my space, I can say whatever I want and like.....:)))) But thanks for dropping by.

Collision

My mind is in collision.

Was watching TV shows, Bones, Criminal Minds. I esp enjoy their brainy quotes. These ones -

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Joseph Campbell

 

Then I query myself......I want all doors open for me, actually contrary to many beliefs, I am very dedicated in believing the universe...though my arrogant face always looks skeptical. Then my next question is - what's my bliss?? Where's my bliss? I can never answer the question - what makes u happy. I apply deduction method - to deduce what's less unhappiness. 

Just like the question - what do you want?! I have been asked many times before....and I always asked back. Usually people cant really answer this Q....genuinely. I am not sure, lately - I could answer that, but as I was going through the quotes of Campbell - another one has affected me a little. It's about marriage vs love affairs (guess means all kinda luving rp). Anyways.....so, I am asking myself today, what's my bliss!?

I feel heavy inside when I ask myself this Q, so I am going to light a cigarrette and ponders alittle....I know today I cant find the answer, but the heaviness inside I feel - it will drive me towards that goal. I think I will find it.....I know I will find it.....The universe has the obligation to help me find it....hehe

Whenever I pray, I would somewhat negotiate my way - kinda like this. I have had my shares of "bad fortunes" as my frenz quoted, but I always treat them with respect and joy as I believe they are lessons, experience I have to go through for next stage, and at the same time seeing the deeper inside of myself that - I aint that really that good as I think I am. I have recognize that without blaming anyone nor god nor universe nor my parents....I dont even blame myself (ok...lemme think I did blame, maybe at times)...severely....all I do is press on, pick up myself, try to smile and actually give joy to others. So maybe if U r listening, give me a nudge and a hand....I am not stupid, actually I am exceptionally bright, so, why torture such a potential being here on earth. Maybe....well, the other alternative is just to take me away from here and bring me to heavenly stars.

U thinjk whoever listening will help me?? hehe...I hope it doesnt sound too arrogant but trully...I have had enough of diff things. I am really getting tired in my physical, heart and brain. My soul is ageing too...I never feel my soul is ageing, as no matter how....my soul was always hopeful.....anyhow...

if U somewhat pray too, ask your gods to spare me, let me walk towards the brightest paths as I do believe with all my being & all my soulful energy, I deserve it.

Thanks.

armpits

They smell.....huh!? yes, I wonder why armpits smell so bad. But it gives me an inspiration coz of Lottie.....my dog, I have been quite busy lately so I rarely sleep or lie in bed w her all day long, so when I got home yesterday adn while we slept.....she tugged her head into my armpit. She doesnt usually sleep with her face facing me, always her ass facing but last nite, for long time....her face was sticking into my armpit. That made me realize, she missed me indeed alot.

Then got me thinking.....I luv sleeping like a small teddy bear under arms...I never thought of armpits though. But today, I realize I miss tugging into someone's armpit, sleeping.....think abt it. When I was a baby, when mom held me....the closest area wud be chest and armpits and armpits radiate most smell....not the boobs, boobs r just like pillow.....something different, when we hv real pillows, we realize, real pillows r better, so I never turn bi and men always luv boobs......becoz they always want to hv more than 1 pillow. :)

When u feel love, it makes u think more out of the zone, but also it cloes much opportunity to think outside of other box.