Lucky Me.

I AM A BITCH but I AM A SWEET BITCH!!! What's the paradox? or the Irony?

I dont really know.

However, I wrote an "somewhat angry email" to my aunts, telling them I dont really freaking care if I would see them again. But I gotta make my point. I dont know, maybe at the end the worst will be on me, as maybe they would chase me for some kind of redemption - through my sibling.....I feel sad for my bro & sis, really. Ie what the email I wrote was telling them (1) I hv been angry with them for 30 yrs, (2) they DONT even say a bad word to my bro & sis for whatever my dad's situation at, (3) this kinda family things should hv dealt with before we were born so why r we the excuse now, maybe they should do something for their "brother" (my dad) instead of asking us to be nice to him.

For one thing he IS NOT actually mad at us. The root, We always go back to the root. It's HIS PARENTS, my grandparents. NEXT, it's his sisters. Final, us. We mix up the order. They mix up the order. And HE mixes up the order. How pitiful, we human have such small capacity of brain wave, brain power, brain juice.

Always just point to the nearest object? So, does it mean it's the best OR the worst? Stupid. We are all so STUPID. LOOK at the whole timeline (I am a good project manager, I look at the whole process, excuse me if I am nasty - coz I couldnt help it, as I am unbiased to every step)!!!!

Ok, why I am lucky!? haha................

Seriously, with my complex conflict mind + my childhood - I shouldnt have lived on this earth for over 20 yrs. I shud hv killed myself long time ago (back to the 1st few posts of this blog - why I had this blog), as some know, I did attempt once or twice or few times.....I cant recall. As past is the past, why dwell on it any longer after U r 30!!

I am lucky as somewhat dont know how I was cured after 30......thanks to a good heaven. Then, the ah Q spirit out of nowhere just exponentially grows! Then, I am so so blessed I made/hv made many dear frenz who somehow - one told me today if I would be marry again, he would rent the Grand Hyatt ballroom for me, kakakakak - stand by me, luv me, support me................Just be there for me, even reading this blog.  Responding here. U cannot NOT understand how lucky I feel.

I always feel I am a lucky person, yet these 2 yrs were tough (notice I use past tense? hehe) and I dont believe my luck drains off, rather it will grow much bigger as I am blessed with good people, I am blessed with my perseverance, I am blessed with many kind & splendid things..........uncountable, never could count.......................................................................

I hope, you will realize you have non-countable assets one day, truthfully feel it within. Then you will understand this moment of mine.

Stone & Water

hehe....see if you like my philosophy.

I was communicating with my aunt (the aunt who's an artist & poet) via emails. We were talking about mis-match between couples.

Actually, I dont believe in true match as it's just impossible. I am a fairy tale gal, I like fairy tales still. I believe in fairies & angels, of coz demons & witches too.Yet, finding a soulmate or the one =/= match. We cant become gel anyways. We are still 2 individulas, living in one own body & die alone one fine day. However, I was telling her that, if the man is a stone, then the woman could be water, it would already be nice. As the water polishes the stone, while the stone mineralizes the water, despite they can never gel - maybe till the end of time, everything vampourizes in the fury of a nuclear bomb. haha............

Anyways, find your stone or water in your life. :D

Handling sales girls

is really fucking troublematic. Maybe I should say handling women. yes, guyz, I know, I un, I get it.

They just never say things straight. They have issues with communication except selling & getting money. Ho Lun Feng!!!!

Solomon

I got two bible characters I adore most, one is Solomon from Old Testament & Barnabas from New Testament. Sorry, Jesus, I never really like the character as much as you sounded abit arrogant & bitchy at times  and you were way too perfect!!!! (kakaka, just like me.....:P).

Barnabas means the son of encouragement. I have always aspired to be more encouraging & supportive. I think I have been doing pretty well.

Solomon was the king as you all may know. Actually, he was illegitimate son from King David who actually stole someone else's wife and then sent her husband to the war front to be killed. When he grew older (not sure if he was a king already or not, but I guess he shud be by then when he said this), he was asked what else he wanted from God. He told God that he wanted more wisdom, not wealth. (mind you, he was already very smart, he wasnt asking for more smart, he was asking for more WISDOM)!!! All my life, ie what I am asking for too.

Sidetrack abit. I actually luv the bible, because if you could read carefully, they are indeed quite relevant today, if you put aside some bias judgement. And one thing about  the bible, if you are not reading it like a spiritual guide. It talks alot about being human, the difficulty of being a human. How at times in life they were doing great wonders, next they could have many flaws in them. No one is perfect. Even great kings or prophets can make mistakes also.

I specially attended Sunday School when I was young to hear this very articulate teacher to talk about King David. I wasnt that intrigued by the story of young David killing a giant with a stone, Actually, I find this reference abit dumb. I was very into the fact that King David was loved by God for his love for God and he was very obedient, yet like every perfect thing, he sinned against God more frequently after he became a king & was growing older (guess, my fren Ellie, you could correct me if any accounts are wrongly put - I write here based on my memory some 20 yrs ago).

Back to Solomon, he as well revered God, but as his wealth & kingdom grew big, so was his ego & disobdience. Yet & again, no one is perfect. And despite such a wise guy, he was dumb too. I think ego can indeed kill a success.

Wisdom is always what I ask for, getting good score at school may mean you have high IQ, but it doesnt equate you as being wise. 

Wisdom needs practice. Wisdom needs patience. Wisdom needs experience.

Why I am talking bullshits again? 2 reasons, I was thinking about myself yesterday, another one is I hope you may have interest to do some reading on the bible. Not that it's about converting yourself a christian, more it's indeed a great book to read if you dont reference so much the spiritual side of things.

OK, I was thinking about myself yesterday at Tin Hua MTR station, how tough it has been past 2 years. How lucky I am to have a few good friends & mom+sister supporting me, believing in me. How strong I feel life is going to be better in 2011. Then suddenly a fear creeped into my heart reminding me of the Solomon story - yes he was a wise man, yet like EVERYONE in the history he lost it when he made it. And then I reminded & counselled myself that I should Always Always remember the hardships, the helplessness I went through. I strongly & 100% am convicted that the universe made me go through all these coz it knows me very well - indeed I am very forgetful for the pain & sorrow I go through. However, this lesson to me is way too important, as I couldnt allow myself to be in it ever again. And when I indeed make it big one day, I shouldnt be too arrogant about it (as I am sure I would become super bitch). To me , 2 years is very long, it's quite unbearble honestly - yet I know why it gives me such a long dragful period too, as if not, I wouldnt get it at all, and it needs to imprint deeply to my every cerebral cell & juice.

The Best Bad

I think, I am not that nerotic afterall. Many people outpass me, as they all want to be the BEST BAD (the worst).

I heard my partner telling me that this guy who was going to be fired was at "worst situation" than me 2 years ago, when I heard the news I wouldnt be able to have a job due to their last minute informing me there would  NOT be a fucking office in HK for me to run. Man, how would that guy be worst than me, for:

1. I heard the news THE LAST DAY I left my job in CHINA

2. I MOVED back to HK without a job

3. I only got 1 MONTH compensation

For the only thing he was worst than me was that he got a family - HUH??? I got a family too. He has a wife, his wife works too....worst than me......based on WHAT THEORY??!!!

Then, this S'porean guy told me he was at "Worst situation" than me. OK, lets hear him. He got his paycheck every month and he was doing admin work, yet he was called THE DIRECTOR. OK, well, my turn. I got no PAYCHECK and I named myself regional manager.  AGAIN, lets say it together, based on WHAT THEORY????

Then, as I was talking to my friend's wife. She as well told me she was at "WORST SITUATION" than me. 1. she was disliked by her fellow wivey group (his husband's frens' wives), ok....just one point. Me? I was DISLIKED by them first day I arrived. She came with her husband. I went alone. Worst??? how come?? I dont get it.....my goodness.

Then, many others. When they are single, I am attached, they are "worst" than me. When I am single, they are married, again they are "worst" than me. When I am single, and THEY ARE ALSO SINGLE, they are STILL "worst" than me. Why ???

WHY?? WHY??? WHY???? people like to be the worst?????

You know, they always think they are trying to encourage someone. I tell you what! If you are reading, PLS KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Coz by saying it, you are denying someone else's pain. Denying their experience. Denying their EXISTENCE. It's just another way saying - MY PAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. YOURS ISNT!!!!!!!!

Do people ever grow up & think in a more 3D dimension? I pity the world filled with all these people.

I was heard before I was seen!

I think.......

I just got a FB msg from a new-made french guy, he told me he saw , no, he heard me at Causewaybay "Eat Street" and he was 5 cm away from me. OK!? Well, am I that freaking loud??? And was I that "arrogant" & "unattentive" that I couldnt see a face?!?!

I guess, lately I am. I realize, the more "independant" I become, the more "arrogant" I have been and the more "couldnt care who the fark you are" attitude has dominated my aura and senses. I guess somehow intrinsically I am still a nice gal, yet, my attitude has changed. I forget a person after 5 sec, or 5 mins after the 1st msg.....pewh, the people just leave my mind! Honestly, if a person doesnt remind me he/she exists, I seriously cant remember this person exist.

Lets jump a topic, I was thinkiing - or I have been thinking since I was young, what was I doing at the very moment when someone was doing something 20 years ago.............................I like this thought as it's something you can never KNOW, except guess.

Oooo, time to sleep.

Lie master

I think why majority of people are bad liars as they are trying to make a lie. The true lie, lemme give you a truth lie hint, is to offer a half truth, half lie.

Why am I talking about it? As I find my mom a bad liar. We were trying to mask the fact that we went to Macau with her, without informing him. She was trying to say all the weird lies. I mean if she's an attentive liar, she would be able to make it through. However, my mom doesnt have a brain for such, and she's super bad in attaining details, so at the end I gave her a half truth a half lie - when she speaks to my dad about my fun trip, she wouldnt have to "lie".

Well, learn this, it takes a master to lie truthfully. keke

Family Meeting

I dont even eat dinner with my family, hence I was so reluctant to attend it, with my aunties & uncles to discuss issues between my dad and mom. I thought I would be 100% nothing to say, but once again as my client said, how could I ever shut up. hahahaha

Really, why do I talk so much? I talk and talk. lol. I dont think my aunties ever saw me talking so much. But this time is different. And honestly, they want us to make nice with our dad. And to me.....I am sorry, I wont do anything, unless he makes a small step first. It's not that I dont luv him, but I hate people blaming everyone for anything. I dont fucking care if he's my dad or not. People would call me heartless, it's true as my parents said that about me when I was a kid. The thing is, I dont look at the people, I look at facts. I was always defending my aunties when I was young in front of my parents, hence they said "finger bent out, not bent in" - it was very simple even in my young mind, I didnt really care it was my aunt or my parents, I looked at the damn facts!

I was "timid" when I was a kid. Now to think about it, it's more than just timid. I just didnt want to argue to people who didnt have the same view as me. Also, I would know they could never get what I meant. And on top of influcence from my parents - being scared of everything...........my timid was gigantic.

It's, to me, ridiculous that parents expect the kids to "SUPPORT THEM". Sorry, I dont buy in the same philosophy. Well, I may go to hell for that, but it's just plain idiotic. Well, coz they raised me I gotta repay? Did they have a choice to have me or not? YES. Did I have a choice to have them or not? NO. Did I ever want to live on this planet? NO. I would if I could. Why do I have to understand their problems? When they never understood their parents' problems (I am referring to my dad)? And so he wins it all lah......everyone has to understand him. Also, who gets to understand me?? (I dont need people to, actually) Sorry, in my formula, it doesnt work like that. 

Honestly, I have seen some people who were, have been in worse situation, they rise upon the horizon. It's just a plain character flaw he possesses. I already imagine if he would be in his deathbed, would I regret? yea maybe, but wouldnt be big. Yet, I am more concerned if he would start to regret when he's in his deathbed, then it would be sad. I am in somewhat quite rational & detached to things like that. I did have a bit regret after my grand-pa died, as we ALL totally misunderstood him. He was a smart guy, just that we didnt get him then, sadly. But with my dad, really not until he makes some small steps, I wouldnt consider to be OK with him. If I have the money, I would give to him, not out of respect, but out of pity.

hehe, I blow water again!

Pressing Headache

Sometimes, when you reach certain moments, you just become afraid to be vulnerable. I am always pretty vulnerable (in a humble good way), as sometimes I feel everything is like fluid, motion. Nothing much can harm me. Tomorrow, I have to meet with my accountant to explain (in my pts of view) complicated relationship with my partner. And then I have to spend time to make all paperwork. I have been just hiding from it, seriously. I dont want to face it.

When I was younger (till maybe 2-3 yrs ago), I crowned myself as a great escapist. I escaped to my own world. I escaped not to confront. I escaped to not look, listen, or just plain do anything..............Today, again, I realized I've finally grown up again.

This french guy who broke (but he said it's postponed) the contract that made my life hell these few months wanted to see me on Monday, he didnt show up at 11am coz he couldnt find the MTR exit. Anyways, so we met again at 7pm, I just wanted to know why they would break /"postpone" the contract - I told them, your project delayed wasnt my problem, you didnt give me work was your issues, not mine. If I would be an employee, you would be obliged to pay the salary - I stressed that they should honour the contract. Anyways, he wanted me to go with him to a meeting - I reluctantly accepted it as it's a big company, I just hoped to be more connected, so to speak. When I got up at 7:30, I really wanted to send him a sms & then turned off my phone - just to tell him I was so fucking sick, blhblhhhh. But now, I couldnt do it, I guess I must have grown up, despite I really really wanted to.

My another pressing headache is, I need 3-6 months to build up the projects I am working on. They do have good prospects, but it seems they arrive abit late.........now I am not sure what I should do. It's been so so so tough & difficult. I just hope I could win some jackpot tomorrow. DIU!

Then came another bad news too, but I guess I was already immuned to bad news, I kinda felt nothing. haha. When I was talking to a fren yesterday about my past 2 yr situation, I somehow had this belief inside my heart that I would make it. Very strong feeling. My "chance" hasnt actually arrived yet, it's a matter of time the universe has to toughen me enough. Anyways, wish me good fortune..........:)

13 days to go

For our magical Xmas.

Lets have a fun, positive, blissful MAGICAL Xmas!!!!

STAY FOCUZ..............

ME! yes......Focuz. Focuz. Focuz.

Erotic Dream

I just had an erotic dream.......my first 3P dream. hahaha
it was actually pretty real....LOL

Sometimes, overdo it.....

Just some words..........
I think some galz just overdo it, I hope I am not one of them!
They overdo sexy
overdo accessories
overdo thinking they r THAT pretty
overdo luv with a jerk
overdo reliance
overdo wanting a baby
overdo wantinging to get married
overdo staying deadfish
overdo crying
overdo dreaming
..........................................................

for me, I am sure I overdo watching TV series. hehe

DragQueen

I am afraid of few types of people.
One is stupid people.
The other one is DRAG QUEEN = people who are scattered mind & couldnt control not talk. Everytime they open their mouth, they TALK and they dont give you just a second of mind peace. They go on & on & on. The worst thing is the SPEED of their talking is usually FAST, yet, the content is meaningless.

E.g. when they are trying to quote example, many a time they would say, 1. water, 2, oil, 3. earth, 4. water, yes as I said 4 types......WHAT!!!!??? Cant they listen to themselevs they are repeating themselves. Ie one thing I find it's one of the attributes of sales - they like to repeat themselves. This is one way to hypnotize people to buy in what you are trying to sell. Another side of the coin is that they dont have much inside their head, so they gotta repeat whatever they have..............

I am very very sleepy, as listening to scattered mind people use my energy more than anything nowadays.

My EQ is high but my black face never dies

Couple of years ago, I got record low EQ. I got discouraged all the time, I turned depressed all the time, I cried all the time - like my fren said - a typical crying bitch.

NOW?!

Wow, my EQ is pretty high. I dont feel "depressed" so easily, as I got too many things that worth my depression, yet I dont hv time to be depressed over them. However, when I am running a project, the client doesnt co-operate or get serious about it, I BLACK FACE. I used to blackface to my boss. Now, I blackface to my clients. I couldnt help it, in somewhat, I am a perfectionist. I hate it when people dont see well planning for e.g. opening a counter is important enough to reply some emails, make some phone calls to align.....etc etc. I hate it also, people think things will be smooth, BLINDLY believing it. Well, if you are not asking for something accurate or perfect, I guess it's totally cool. But, I really hate it also sometimes they think everything can be redone. The thing is - I hate the rework process. I trained my team before - THINK AHEAD to avoid the things you hated gutz - REWORK. It's time wastage, effort wastage. It's so not edifying. It's so not challenging. It's so freaking boring. So, I am pretty demanding when it comes to a project. But my motto is if you try your best beforehand, it doesnt come through - then U already WIN!! 

My fren Raine is right. Sometimes it's so tiring to work for bosses who are not actually hands-on & investing their time in the business enough. They think they do. They run around doing things, talking things, but they never spend time to look at internal problems. MAybe for e.g. for once seriously FIRE the uselss idiots. Or maybe pay better salary for a good candidate, rather hiring 5 uselss people. It's the new world, the fit survives. Let them die but build a strong co for himself or herself. 

Many people thing, they HAVE a business. Sorry, its a bad idea. It should be BUILD a business - constantly need building. Having it is easy, building it is difficult. Just like for working pals, job & career are two different things. Many people are working on a job but not building their career.

I honestly wanna die if I got just stuck in a job but not a career - that's my feeling in the past. Even I am still going through very very harsh time, I am content within as this is what I like - whatever I am doing, owning freedom yet building a business of my own.

Cougar Dream

Hoho, catchy topic!

Couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I dated with a "boy" who was 14 yrs younger than me. In real life, it happened.......thou I didnt go ahead with it. Not that I mind the age thing,  honestly if I wud date a young guy, i want the best features & great body physique, hahahaha. I am a bitch. :P

And today I was talking to my fren rgd great guyz or non jerks. I am not sure if next pasture always seems better or tastier or what. I somehow feel the guys I like tend to be attached or married. Well, so I kinda pray that their wives would cheat on them...........HAHAHHAAH..............BIGGER BICTH................so that I could claim them some day. Hey, women cheat alot. It;s not uncommon as most think!!

Then jokingly we went on saying that we were now after the 2nd hand market. You know what, it dawned on me. I actually always always prefer VINTAGE & used Shoes. I really dont mind getting a 2nd hand man but of coz the premium kind. I find vintages clothes smell better, even vintage books to me smell heavenly. I like used shoes, as usually they are worn to a point that become so tender N soft - I dont like new shoes that take me ages to tame it to non-pain walking status. Also, to me, I like some mysterious thingie behind the vintage piece, you never really know who or when they were worn before. At what occasion? It always intrigues me deeply. Plus I find vintage clothes are so stylish if you match it correctly.

Honestly, for next bday, if you think of what to get me, lemme give you a hint:

1. Candles (I luv candles, as I somehow believe by Dec 2012 we would lose the electricity power....hahaha)

2. Vintage stuff - clothes or accessories....YUMMY, they tend to be actually NON cheap, so better not buy me! :)

Apart from

Devoting my time to finding projects to do, I spend most of my nites doing "article of the day" & "word of the day" with my nephew. I couldnt understand how a P2 kid could manage to do whatever they have been given. I am pretty darn sure that a F5 student may not be able to know every vocab or even get all the correct answers. For me, I managed 99.95% accuracy, yet some grammar is so tedious that even good english command people got it wrong, as I tested to some before.

Also, it's not like their school curriculum covers all that, but I guess they must be expecting that their parents have good level of english. Yet, how many HK pple indeed have good command in english - esp those who only study locally. It's so tough to be kids nowadays!!

My poor babies, ie why I so focuz on them, to help them & train their mentality. I always say I dont need them to have perfect scores, rather I need them to think independantly.

TV shows

My fren just asked me what TV shows I have been watching lately, OK here you go!

1. Fringe (Only like this season)
2. Criminal Minds
3. NCIS
4. Vampire Diaries
5. Desperate Housewives
6. Sherlock
7. Doctor Who
8. Torchwood
9. Dexter
10. CSI LV
11, CSI NY
12. Weeds
13. The Event
14. Castle
15. Rubicon
16. Project Runway
17. American Next Top Model
18. Apprentice
19. White Collar
20. Dexter
21. Haiwaii 5-0-1
22. Brothers & Sisters
23. Private Practice

etc

hehe

Doctor WHO?

Lately, I am spending my time with british dramas ONLY. Well, I do watch vampire diaries (they are getting kinkily fun), dexter (hot blood luver) & fringe ( I hated the previous seasons but now they are hitting the alternate universe- my luvvv, I luv the concept of time travel, alternate universe).

BINGO! This is what Doctor Who is all about. TIME TRAVEL, OUTERSPACEY, Alternate universe, the space gap................gosh, I cant get enough!!!! Then I watched Sherlock which are the modernalized rewritten version - so sarcastically dark humour, my another luv. Now I am moving on Torchwood, dont think I would get mesmerized by the Captain Jack, but then.........................I need more british accents around me.

Oh, the main reason?! I met a very nice gentle british guy - I seriously never met any nice brits. Just a fren, nothing romantic. Taking him on as a nice cosy fren is a gift to me now. hehe, I luv the accent. :P

I felt Crabby

I felt so crabby the other day, actually 2 FULL DAYS after the crab. It's craB not craP.

I never touch crab that need my engaging into dissecting them.

I never eat their brainy stuffy (it's fatty stuff people luv to eat but it's filthy, it's all the shits & dirts inside, man!!!!)

Not good to be good at science, shits! I shud hv done literature instead, rather than science. Understanding too much is a curse!

Seriously, I sound like an asshole, but I like being an asshole actually.

OK, back to the crab.

I was taken to this rich lady's house (both I met for the 1st time) and she served "big bound crab" aka hairy crab, it should be in season. I always said NO NO NO to any frens' invitation for such an evil feast, but I didnt know about it was such a beast feast, I went along as I really wanted to see if there would be any biz potential in Mynamar. First time I met Burmese!!

Man, the rich lady who doesnt use any skincare looks so freakishly young!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a 28yo gal, but I thought she was younger than me! Holy Moly!!!! GIve me some of those collagen!!!!! But, one thing with old age, things you just cant....hide, it's the flappy boobs & tummy. Sorry, I sound like an ass again, but they r just flappy, esp she didnt wear any bras. Man.....why?! why?! Why does she do that!!?? She wud be looking like it cuda be my daughter if she got a bra!!!! hohohoh!!

I had 2 crabs, I just thought they were SMALL. But when I told my mom the size, she said IT WAS GIGANTIC. OK anyhows. I had TWO GIGANTIC HAIRY CRABS!!!! I felt  that every inch of my gut was GLUED with the HAIRY CRAB BRAINS for 2 FULL DAYS! I smelled like CRAB too.

A new way to feel crappy is to be glued by crab.

So MANY IDiots

Not to brag, I do feel I am a great manager. People ask me to go & get a job - how can I go back to a life working for people with poor mgt skills?!?!?! Yet, I sometimes try to be humble too. They have this achievment coz they have that ability. But I just boil them down into so far 2 categories of people - this is a reality.

1. Conned Artists

2. With a rich husband or family or born to be rich

Seriously, either you have such a sweet tongue to move your way up or you were born in a rich family - money reaps money. Dont get defensive, I know you who are reading are great workers, but you are not rich enough to have no worries to flung the money around. 

I so hate people wasting time to redo, redo, redo - people are afraid to work through the complicated good set-up. Becoz they are so short-sighted. They put everything under the carpet. I dont know if you get my points, but seriously this is how my home is like, not my work!!!!

I am really sleepy but I need somewhere to vent out. I dont like talking with people about what I think or feel, as really - they are so meaningless many a time but you just want to say it out. Just to say it out!!!

I feel sad for HK people. Not just the young gen. Everyone. We are so shallow. So iditotic. So stupid thinking that HK's prosperity span isnt dying. it's already dead, people. Wake up!

I need to sleep as I am working for such an idiot. She's a nice lady but idiotic, big time, seriously. Shit, I am a saint with no money but just arrogant bitchy bullshit thoughts. GOD, dont perish me coz of this. hehe. NITE NITE.

Honestly I am not bragging

But I am.
I am a genius, big time.
I thought of a product/concept/idea so I told my good taiwanese fren. He called his clients at midnight asking if my idea was good and if they would buy the products - they said CERTAINLY. So I asked him to get his clients to hire me as their creative consultant, all he said was - No, I want you to be MINE only.


HAHA....this guy, he's my great fren. We went thru thick & thin. He has already believed in me. no, He believes in my brain, ie what I appreciate so much. I am fortunate I got another dear gf in HK, who has stood by me for years............despite I hvnt shown her any glamours work, she has been silently supporting me.

I am such a blessed person, who has got non-judgemental great frenz who believe in my brain (I dont need pple to believe in me, but my brain - my brain is indeed pretty fabulous). I am typing in tears becoz indeed not coz of them, I am not sure if I could be smiling still, despite all hardships.

It's been super horrible 2 weeks w bad bad news, but I allowed myself to be upset for also 2 weeks. As I just dont get it, what more learnings I gotta understand before I could reap the harvest of patience & endurance. I strongly believe that the experiences I went thru wouldnt go in vain. People ask me to be patient, really - I wish they would go thru what I did and still believed in themselves - it's not easy man! I somehow.......come to more profound understandings of myself, my existence, my value, my purpose, my learnings.....................it's so odd, which I dont think I would want to share with anyone till....maybe 5, 10 years later......

Anyways, if you are reading, you have been worried about me. Know one thing - I am outerspacey, so I dont walk the path as norm do. Ie why I gotta go thru what I am going thru. I wont be happy go lucky as I have never been one - I run projects, worries are my motto to be good in a project. hehe

STAY CHEERIO!! :)

desperate housewives epi 7 S7

Totally talking about me
thou I am no desperate, I am no housewife

I always luv the writers of desperate housewives' plot on summarizing each epi....thou I dont particularly like the whole story in general

SIGH!!!!!

LET ME SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK............................I seriously think death may not be a bad option. I am running out of anything to stay positive. What the heck the universe is testing me.........................

Making up your own stories....

IS not good for your psyche.

Lately, I talked to few galz. Really, I think when we hit 30's, pls grow up. No wonder HK men gave us all the funny names. After listening to the first part of this radio show, I finally was glad that someone had put it in a radio show - exactly my feeling towards my frens - making up their own stories=> act out => then "have feeling" towards their own plots (not the actual beings, but the plots).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjCscgK6M2I&feature=player_embedded

I hate the notion of being labelled as "middle woman" or "residual woman", but I should be in their category. Good that I really dont fucking care less, as I dont actually live here anyways. My psyche is always elsewhere, though sometimes I just have to be here, only. hehe, I am talking outspacey again. Nah, this is my feeling. 

Few of my frens told me stuff in confidence. I appreciate that. Yet, I guess when a woman or even a man talks in details about the situation, it's danger, becoz it means they are making their story lines, amplifying things that shouldnt have. (sorry, been there b4 but when I was b4 30. And it took me good old 10 odds years to shake it, so I know what I am talking about). I always remind them, not to remember details then get depressed over the details => like he went to toilet and he left w/o saying bye. Hey hey - give him a benefit of the doubt, couldnt the guy be abit drunk and wanna head home?!?! Dont think about it and feel sad over it. If the 2nd time, yeah, U got rite to be upset...................not everything means something, thou indeed everything means something, it depends how you intrepret it. Dont be so single focuz to a point that you start making up your own stories. The outcome, you are sad and you make haste move that usually are not the most intelligent move.

My thoughts. :)

Dreams

I actually quite enjoy few dreams I had lately, every few weeks something funny came up.

1. I am still trying to decipher my Golden Python and Huge Sea turtle meaning. I just cant shake them off.

2. Last nite, I had another funny dream. In my dream, I was hanging out with my fren, Leo. And we were abit drunk as usual. He asked me to sneak into his house N took a rest, not to let his mom knows, somehow the whole thing is like going back to high school-the alternate universe. Think about it. We both lived in Melb at around the same time, we never met. We knew each other when we came back to HK. I guess we would be alcoholic & addicts if we did meet back in Melb. hahaha, breaking all the rules, thou by what I know, he did break many rules over there. me no., I was a saint in Melb.

Then next, I went to this house, it was filled with dog-people. Yes, I saw them as people and they could talk, but they were actually dogs, canines, yes! So I felt compassion over them, so I chose three. On our way home, I was worried, as my mom didnt like dogs, cats, pets.........so I asked them if they were toilet-trained? I begged them to make sure they would pee, shit at the rite place, as if not my mom would be so pissed. (I lived alone for years, why wud I concern my mom - again it's like an alternate universe, whereby dogs=humans). Then one of them told me they gotta take this medicine, but forgot to bring. I said I would buy them. So I asked them if they were already de-sexed yet. They said no. So I asked them to use their own money to do so, as I got no money to do for them. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Funny!! huh!!??

Out of respect to sex n the city II

Since I dl PPStream, I managed to watch some of the US TV shows that I didnt see but wanted, same as some movied. I watched 2 movies. One was Argentina's Secret of the eyes. While, out of respect, I watched Sex N The City.

Holy Crap!!! Nothing has turned my stomach as bad as this one did to me for a while. Poor Plot, Poor Faces, BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD FASHION!!! SUCK MAX. TOTAL SUCK. I used to follow the seasons diligently for 2 main reasons. One, I was looking for luvvvv too, so kinda whatever the gals went through, I could get it. Second, fashion, shoes, bags, fashions , accessories, and yes FASHION!!!!!!! 

I wanted to stop watching after 2 mins as their clothes are bad, their facial expression-----how to say, emotionless, as they all got botox up, kinifed up too. It's trully not nice seeing esp seeing Samantha trying to pick up younger guyz. I am fine with the concept of cougar, I dont even mind being one. But plzzzzz, look at her face!!!!

Then, past 2 years, I did rewatch the series twice. Coz I wanted to look at the fashions, colors, shoes, heels.....but I got so so so turned off by the stupidity of these women. COME ON, GROW UP!!!! Esp with Carrie, she's like a fucking idiotic woman with no brain. For e.g. in this movie, she met her ex Aidan. So they kissed. What the big fucking deal!!!!! She gotta go all the way getting all the galz out to TALK??? About? Should I or Should I not tell Mr Big that I kissed my ex!!??????????? sHIT, what a stupid weak dependant small brain idiotic woman!!!!!!! SHAME ON HER!!!!!

I know many women who could be reading this may throw me tomatoes. hoho....sorry, I kept this to myself for 2 years, I gotta be honest for once too. hehe

A beggar gathering the loose change

I was talking to a business partner/friend. It's just strange that I work so well with Taiwanese guyz but not HK guyz. Everytime a HK guy opens his month to discuss something with me, I just want to stuff a hammer into their mouth & then pull out their intestines.

I was telling him how (only realized today) I had been like a beggar gathering loose change from everyone. Not yet one project is making me a decent living. 

Decent living means paying rent, a pair of shoes a month, dine out 2 times a week, drinks 2 times a week, get some clothes (maybe Lane Crawford warehouse) once a month, treat my parents dinner every 2 weeks, give pocket money to my mom, pay for some extra-curriculum my sis kids would like to attend, go to movies once a month, buy bday gifts to my good frenz, travel once (I havnt done any leisure trip for more than 2 years), buy starbucks coffee once every 2 days, desex my dog, buy yummy frozen/healthy meat for my dogs, go to see doctors, get some new bedsheets from Ikea, get some white tees, buy new bras sets (which I hvnt done for more than 2 years too), get a new notebook (as I feel mine is dying soon - TOUCH WOOD).............

It's been so tough. I am so not kidding or complaining. Good things I dont remember bad things alot. Actually, I feel I hvnt got outta the pit is coz the universe is saying I DONT BURN THIS LESSON WELL ENOUGH IN MY BRAIN...................I dont remember how hard it is to go w/o money when I actually constantly having zero. I want to tell the universe & everyone - I got it, man. I got it!!!! Just take this misery away, please!!!!

From this month, I am getting loose change from people, like a beggar. People giving me very peanut fees for my service, yet I may get commission at some points if I work so hard. U know.......my brain is going to explode becoz every every fucking project involves creativity. New ideas. New concept. New New New, yet I am getting OLD OLD OLD ............but what can I do? Too bad I sell pple that I am a brainy people.....so I just gotta use my brain. Why people are so mean? So wicked? So selfish? I suppose the universe is teaching me to be mean too. I never thought I would need to be nasty pple on money, but I guess I would............in the future, when I am giving loose change to others. hahaha.....kidding, seriously I really cant be such person. I still have a vision to save the world in my own dawnish way.

Call me stubborn or self-centered. There's nothing anyone can say to me that could make me better as just face it, I am in a pile of shits. Dont ask me to compare with the poorer people, as I always compare with them. I have compassion for them. But I dont deserve to be categorized with them. I was not meant to end up like this. Can you feel the pain of agony? For what I am striving for? For my goals? For my life? For what?

I am seriously not giving up either, as there's no way I will give up now. Oddly, as always, I see whatever I have faced in my life as an experience, as an experience I could share with someone someday, to save some souls.....I am not of a great person, but I want to be a hero in my dawnish way, as always, Stupid as it sounds. haha......

AGAIN, UNiverse or GOD or GODs, pls listen I get it I get it, mean. Just let it go, dont torture me. I am not a great person, I said it. Just give me some breather to live the rest of my life. I will share my miraculous salvation, how I was a beggar, not saved! THANKS!!!!!

Running Out

I have been presented with much opportunities lately. Yet, everything is all about wait wait wait..........I am getting really zero patience on the waiting. Esp, I am getting peanuts from certain projects but then I have to wait wait wait.......................I am so tired of just wait wait wait.

Then, I get pissed by stupid people even so much more easily lately. I just want to scream at them. Ask them , seriously, fucking go to hell. You dont belong to this human race.

Then, to my clarity of mind or realization, I got a terrible biz partner to begin with. I am just so anxious to get out of it, yet I need to wait wait wait for another 3 months.

Then, I am meeting one of the fucking europeans in few hours. I just have to smile, act smart. Shit.....................

I hate the whole thing. I want to kill myself again, This time, I dont want to jump but just hang myself. The bottled-up anger & frustration are just unbelievable...........I seriously also want to find someone to stab & just kill someone out of the anger sake. Maybe I should learn like what Dexter does, kill the bad guyz & chop them up real nice..........................

Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What would you do....

When you dad may threaten to hurt your mom or your family.....becoz of.....no reasons? Just he created stories in his head that made him mad. Tell me, what would you do?

My utmost concern would be my sis kids, as my mom takes care of them. Seriously, if I would be their parents, I would move the house as far from this family as possible. How could your dad threaten to hurt his family without any solid reasons.....??? Just coz he's not pleased with his life?!?!?!

My sis suggested we should report to police. But for me, I guess most of the time he just talked. So I advised my mom not to see him for coming days without our presence. And I will have dinner with him on Tue, not that I try to talk some sense into him. When someone creates a reality in his mind, no one can correct that imagination. I guess I would want to see abit from his expression, his conversation - the words he chooses to express himself, his way looking at my mom & my sis kids.......then will decide what's our potential next move!!!

I dont get it, when all of us are trying to get everyone living slightly better, and when we are all more united as a family, more laughters with each other, why would he try to sabotage that!? Yet in our mind (esp my sis n me), we couldnt comprehend a person we have known for over 30 odd years would become someone we so.....feel alienated. What so huge  to make you verbally inform your kid that, wait for something big to happen!!!???? While, already inform you that he killed mom in his dreams. What's the big deal? What happened??? We scratched our heads till no hair, we still couldnt think of a single or remotely collective issues why........we are deserved to be threatened like that!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe it's indeed just the smiple saying......money is evil?! I dont know......this is not how my dad used to raise me.

Lottie M

Sigh, my small dog "Chi-mama" Lottie (not chihuahua as she's too big to be called that) has PERIOD. YES M, MENSTRUAL, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! The funny thing was that I was so worried about her being raped during 2 week ago dog party but I was told unless she started to have M then she wudnt get defiled. The next day, she had M....shit, she's such a ham sup dog. She so wants to get laid. I gotta desex her once her M is done, which is ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! Two more weeks to go......SIGH!!!! BIG BIG SIGH!!!!

My lovely baby needs to be 100% pure, virgin for the rest of her life......kekeke

last week

Last week went by so quickly that I didnt know I just had 2 posts only. I thought I did a few. 

It's been quite busy few weeks, busy & anxious. I passed up my 1st business proposal - a complete one from market scan to SWOT to sales forecast.......I did partial of each session at various time, before but rarely did a whole thing all at once. I still got a PNL to deal with tonite.

I somehow think I was born to venture adventures, challenges. It's stressful when I was presented with limited info, yet was expected to produce. I somehow dont feel torn or stressed, but feel so excited to learn so many new things through my research. Guess, it's so true, it's never too old to learn. I dont feel old....still. Except few pics......

And through these 2 wk busyness, I even know much better about my changes. I have become more money-minded, more frank, more individualistic, less nice, less patient. Actually, to me, all are good traits. haha. I couldnt afford to be nice to everyone anymore. I am still learning how to say No, and how to "fuck  or "diu" someone nicely with a smile tactic"......................I still have long way to learn.

One thing, maybe horror to most, is that - I dont want to have fun. Like, I am not really enjoying going out, meeting new people, if there's not a purpose behind. I dont really need to go out to relax, I feel pretty relaxed and destressed by my dogs' company. First time in my life I dont see that as a problem. I even think of not drinking.....which I dont particularly enjoy anyways, thou I can drink few glasses fine. I learnt it for social reasons, not that I like the taste of it.

And good thing is that I did manage to catch up with few frenz. It was nice. Knowing everyone is intact, happy. I am happy. Really. Seeing my frenz smile is priceless.

Luv U all for reading. I know some of you may want to comment some of my posts, all you need to do is to click the comment - you can write whatever you like. All welcome. 

The single

I met few people today during a social discussion group.We touched on various topics from biz to romance.

And U know.....people who keep whinning about them going without a bf or husband or gf or wife....they usually have an issue. One is what I heard today - and got electric shocked from it. Both of the woman & the guy said - I want to meet single & emotionally available people - 1ST SHOCK. They commented not knowing where to find, so we were syaing.....just go out and hang out with different people. There came the 2nd Shock - "well, it's a waste of time if you realized that the guy was married or got issues, so I just want single emotionally available people!!!!!!" Seriously, which opp sex would want to go out with you, when you are just a freak!!!!!!

My honest answer to them, good luck finding one. Coz U will never find one.

I would faint if

I got caught at below scenario.......dont they have a dresser guy to help them fix their pbs??

Nipple - flowery Pattern

I may need 2 phones

Does it mean I should get iphone 4?? haha.....

Suddenly, everything is on the plate. Just in Sept, I got various projects. I need to write 2 proposals, which to be honest I have never actually done those business before. People just want me to do it.

And then I just got a call a sec ago, I may need to leave HK. I am thinking about it. I think I will do, esp they let me have a week holiday each month to come back to HK to solve my issues. But my main concern is my dogs now...........I would die if I couldnt be with them, honestly.

Anyways......will update the progress soon.

Elderly II

OK, I am so agnoized by those middle-aged men or women who DONT HECKINGLY use EMAIL!!!!!! But want to discuss business with me. Shit, I dont think I want to handle any business with someone who dont use emails at all. 

I got a call from this middle aged man. He freaking called me at 8:48, left a message, then called me again at 9:ish. Hey, I wasnt awake, as I dun work HK time at all. So, reluctantly, I called back. He "inched" me by saying - he carried the stuff of info in his back this morning in KOWLOON side and wanted to see if I could go & get the info, and had a chat rgd the business. And further he said I made TWO calls and now "I AM LUCKY TO GET A CALL BACK FROM YOU" I said I no living in KLN. And mind you, I sent my freaking queries (the info in his bag) 3 weeks ago and he didnt reply me once since. So, I said, I got many things to do during the day. I totally hate those who want to make appointment without informing via email or msg beforehand.

I did inch him back. Next time, email me first. hahahahaha

Good thing is I know the doctor I so want to work with, thou the dr assign this middle-aged man's boss to handle this region. I still have good vibe with the australian doctor, and I believe he wants to work with me too.

U know......I think these guyz, they once could very well be a GM or something, but now they got nothing as very likely they are not that update & smart enough. But thanks to these guyz too, I keep reminding myself to keep up to beat with the young gen, so I wouldnt be thrown into a rubbish bin (lucky if it's recycle bin)!

My bowl of rice

Do you get jealous of those ladies...hem hem....who manage to go to eat HiTea, or Fine-Dining or exquisite beef or weird fish everyday? Indeed, I got one from FB - either she's showing pics of Hitea or her crystal nails. Some of my frens already deleted her. But I havent. As I am very amazed at how she uses her husband's or maybe parents' money......I really want to follow up on this aspect. As I couldnt get it. To me, it's very boring to keep eating "fine food". I like to eat fishballs sometimes. Or Tofu Fa. ummm, or just a can of coke zero may make me quite fulfilled. I did have a period I didnt need to work - but I never went around eating. Another amazing thing is, from the picture, she isnt fat at all. I guess when she isnt posting pictures, she must be doing some lymphatic massage or pilates.

If I say I am NOT jealous after above blablablah, you may say I am pretentious or condescending But, oddly, I am not, seriously. I wish I could actually. I am just amazed really at how as the chinese saying - "one type of rice breed all kinds of people", as her type is surely not from my bowl of rice.

99

After deleting I thought 99 requests from FB, to my horror, I still find I have another 99 requests. It's not going to end, isnt it?! I give up. Out of the presumably 99 requests, I got 90% of which are - HOTEL CITY, RESTAURANT CITY ------ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think either my frens luv me so much or they think I am very generous not minding them bombing my "request" box, they keep sending me stuff. I stopped playing after 3 mins with those cities & cafes. Id rather watch - REWATCH friends 1-10 seasons over & over & over 99 times for 99x100000 laughs. I really cant sit in front of the computer playing such slow motion city games. 

I did interview my sis why she played so tirelessly. I dont think she gave me a convincing answer as I really couldnt remember her answer. Thou I did try to manage those cities for 3 mins, as I wanted to help maybe my neighbour ie my frenz, yet really.......I really couldnt continue. Also, it seems they could never end building the hotel, I suppose, if not they wouldnt keep sending me stuff........I want something that has an end. It's more soothing to know it has an ending.

I luv U still if U keep playing the cities, or cafes. I just adore your perseverance. I seriously dont have. Or maybe I just dont have that childlike side at all. :)

WHY FB so NON-democratic!!??

I saw this on some post :

遇上一個人，只需一分鐘；喜歡一個人，只需一刻鐘；愛上一個人，只需一小時；但要忘了一個人，卻要一生。

(English: one min to meet someone, 15 mins to like someone, one hour to love someone, but A LIFE TO FORGET SOMEONE)

HOLY CRAP!!!
I so want to "dislike" the post, but there's no click click for that. They only have "comment, share & like". Isnt FB abit communistic? Well, who dares (I dont dare lor) to comment my frenz who like this page?! I dont lor. But I want to dislike it secretly.....no dislike icon wor. DING!

There's always right & wrong or grey answer in this world. Why cant they just allow yes, no, and what else? Also it's a disease believing such quote. A life to forget someone?!?! Id rather die now if I couldnt forget someone I want to forget. 

I am going to delete myself from FB if people keep liking such nonsense!!!

FUCKING idiotic S-Company

EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! JUST EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! 

EVERY FUCKING SHIPPMENT, ALWAYS HAVE EVERY FUCKING DETAILS MISSED, or LOST, or DELAYED - ALWAYS BLAMED BLAMED BLAMED.

ALWAYS MONEY MONEY MONEY. CAN YOU PLS BE LESS MAH LUN FENG, then U R OK LOR!!!!! DIU!!!! YOU SO MAH LENG FENG making ME ALWAYS FUCKING MA Q HEADACHE!!! DIU!!!! ALOTTA MONEY FOR ME MER!!?? JUST NOT ONCE, NEVER ONCE, YOU CAN MAKE ONE FUCKING ORDER GO SMOOTHLY. FUCKING U BUNCH OF ASSHOLES GO TO HELL LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pewh, thanks guyz.

Sigh, breakup......

I tried to call, sms, email to a friend for past month but she never called back, which is unlike her as she's a pretty tough & responsible lady. Then, finally I managed to get her respond on msn - sighhhhhh...........she's talking about separation with her husband. I am not sure about the real reason, but seems that she doesnt want to have a child, but her husband insists.

It's saddening, rite? I guess they do luv each other, but due to personal preference, in this modern world, you cant stick together, as divorce is too easy! Sometimes, I think divorce is fine if you can no longer luv that person, but outta preferences, I think it's most saddening kind. I wonder being alpha male or female.....can you indeed make one relationship stick?! I doubt. I have no faith in it. Ie why......my frens said, "soften up, lady!", or "grow your hair long", or " lower your standard".................is it really that simple?

My parents. They are indeed separating after fucking decades together. Honestly, I wish they separated before I was born. (Oh if auntie Y you are reading it, pls keep it secret. I will explain in details next time I see you). Is the modern soceity making pple not stick or people become too modern to stick? Aiya, I dunno, which is not my concern nowadays......

Is it really that important (to me) to have a lifelong companion? Can I just have thousand of god-kids? So I wont be bored when I am old, since I believe they would luv me dearly even I become a grannie. hehe.

Sigh, just want to say......I feel sad & worried for my friend.

Another Level of EQ

Working in a job, you need EQ.

Having a business, you need another level of EQ.

A job, you got stable income. There's no gambling in it that pisses you off or disappoints you. You got a monthly stable income, downside is you may need to watch out the faces of your boss.

A business doesnt guarentee a stable income. It's a game of gambling - you may make alot or you lose it all. Actually losing it all is better than piling up the debts. You need to get prepared the hightened EQ to handle your clients, your clients' staff, your suppliers, your partner, maybe your staff as well.......even they are cunny & nasty, you need to learn to stay silent at the right time & slash out at the right time, too. Learn to smile, but devise a plan to revenge or take back what they have taken you - during this time you need to make nice to avoid your plan flop. Even there's no revenge involved, you gotta think if they are going to trash your next move, afterall you once trusted them. The EQ to handle every aspect is overwhelming alone, but that's what I am facing now.

Yet, I so realize my EQ has come to a stage that I couldnt imagine I could possess. I mean, I wasnt born a positive, emotionless person!

And I am not losing hope on partnership too. Just that, I gotta be careful with who I partner with in the future.

Names

After some fucking living on this planet earth for 38 years, I have some categories of names that you should sway yourself from. From own personal expericence & research.

ERIC:

I met 2 Erics that I got close relationship with. One is my ex. One is my business partner. I tell you, they are totally fucker, lazy but want to gain money w/o doing much work. Seriously, my frens, with such name, stay away plz.

Fiona:

I cant remember what happened between us. I got one Fiona only, but it had something to do with trust & money too. And when I was telling my fren about it, she shared very similar experience. So beware too.

Dawn:

Always neurotic with a hint of stupid faith in stuff. Yes me, I just know me as Dawn. Dont stay away, but hit me on the head all the time when I get too idiotic, plz.

My new view on Adam & EVE

IT"S BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

OK, one of my guy frens....he knows who the heck he is (kekekeke), as I told him I was gonna write here. He said something nasty....but we made up so wont mention it ever again. U'd better NOT!!! But one thing he kept saying was that I gotta find a nice guy.,,,nice guy,,,,,nice guy,..........................to COMPLETE me!!!!! I told him, honestly without hard-feeling of my past, I seriously enjoyed my single life too much. I am sucker for space, if anyone knows me well, ie why I have insomnia.

Why I have insomnia? Simple. Lets say I go out for 5 hours, when I get home, I need min. 5 hrs to be by myself doing nothing or anything............I cant enjoy the day w/o being by myself for the "supposedly by myself" period.

OK, about completing oneself. Really. I doubt anyone here finds oneself complete coz U r attached or U r married. I believe if you dont know yourself well, you are not complete with yourself, NO ONE, NO ONE can complete you. How many of us in this world find ourselves so uncomfortable being with himself/herself ALONE?!?! Does it mean, hving someone close by make U more comfortable? Then, can you be with that person 24 hrs alone, even while U r doing some serious shitting????????????? Sometimes, without someone, you may only find it less convenient, as air tickets - buy 2 U get cheaper fare. Hotel room, double is cheaper than single. Restaurants, a table with 2 seats instead of one seat. Or for a woman, no one helps u changing the light bulb (actually some guys dont even do that themselves!!!!!) or carry your heavy laundry. ONLY inconvenience, NOT incomplete when you dont have someone nearby!

While, lets go back to Adam & EVE. Actually, if according to the Bible, God created EVE coz ADAM was lonely. So he found a way to complete ADAM. No one ever said EVE was needed to be complete. It's ADAM - THE MAN - who was/is/has been in need for completion. So very daringly, I would say, the womam EVE was perfect! hehehehehe.........so it's wrong to tell a woman that she needs a man to complete her! Well, in retrospect, I would also jump to conclusion that why women need to endure period pain, birth pain - coz we actually convinced the imperfect ADAM to eat the fruit (no one ever said it was AN APPLE) - so we are perfectly imperfect, in somewhat, evil.

For me, I want to stay single until I find the right guy. My mom asked me why I didnt stay with the GREAT GUY (Anthony), so I wouldnt have to suffer. I tell you, my frens, if I would have stayed with him, you would never get a chance to know me. As I know me well that, I know I would surely commit suicide. Not coz he's a nice guy or a bad guy - just simply I couldnt achieve my purpose in life, while feeling guilty all the time for myself, and for him - I would surely jump. No matter how much I suffered for past few years, it was my choice, it was my purpose to learn something. But if I got stuck with just convenience, as far as I know, I would rather die than live for that.

I luv u dearly as a fren.....kekekekekeke, as long as we will go on a trip to Phuket next year or U buy me a return ticket to Melb. ^^

I am a workaholic but also a playaholic

I still have no money.

But I am so happy these few days as I am supposed to think of at least 3 projects.....coming to 4 after today's meeting. Someone is asking if I want to work with him in Shanghai......today. I feel so happy as I could use my brain actively & crazily. I guess I am a workaholic. I was depressed big time as no one was using my brain.

Yet, I also think - so if I got so much projects going on. How can I swim? Hang out? I want to do both......I realize time is so limited for someone like me....who wants to work and play all the time.

YET, I AM HAPPY HAPPY!!

Another fisherman

Talked to another fren who is a fisherman too. We find each other very intelligent. LOL

He opened few co doing pretty well, based on similar fisherman concept of living. YEAH! I am relieved, and now I have a good Monday.

Conclusion is that - we should encourage others more. Dont step on people. Dont make negative comment all the time. Make a joke to cheer someone that day, esp Monday.

Ranking

As I am glancing through my blog entry categories, I realize I have my own ranking.

Me of coz is always Number One. Then it's about people. Then, Movie. Then dogs.

Luv is really minimal, guess it suits me. I am not a very luving person, thou I am compassionate. I dont regard this as top priority of my life, thou in the past I used to think it was. I am constantly amazed at how life, experience has refined me to who I am now.

if you are talking about in luv, I feel I am so in luv with my dogs. Esp lottie now, she always luvingly gazes at me, like she couldnt keep her eyes off me. This kinda of luv constantly makes me smile & happy.

My First White Hair

I know it should be called Grey Hair but the one I found is indeed shinny white. Since I started dying my hair, I never found any white hair at all. I occasionally would ask my stylish if they could spot any at the roots, usually they always complimented my hair as dark rooted as anyone would wish. 

Now,

I got mine.

I totally disagree that if you think too much, you got your white hair. Though in some cases, if one is that stressed, not just their hair is compromised, everything inside or outside of their bodies would be compromised. I had 2 years of extreme stress & anxiety, I only found my 1st white hair - not a bunch of whities, so using me as an experiment, my point is valid. hehe

Mememto , Momento

Shit, I always said "mOmento".

Finally, I watched this, thanks to my dear friend Dion. He actually gave me the disc as he now only goes & gets himself blu-ray, hehehehee, to my benefits.

I watched few of Chris Nolan's movies lately, actually, I realized I watched most of his movies except Following & this. This one blew my mind the most. I really like that he's so dark and honest. This movie reminds me that. How many a time we want to lie to ourselves?!?! How often we all live in our own universe? Yet, not many dare to say they are not living in reality but their own fairy tale. O well, not for me to judge! :P

It's a constant effort to be honest. Just like in the moive, for Lenny, it's a constant effort to make him believe in his own lies too. It's a dual effect. U couldnt get it w/o another.

Human mind is so powerful. Some said, the collective conscience built the pyrimaid. I think it's so possible. Ar, sidetrack again.

Yawn, sleep now. Have a good week ahead everyone!!

KISSES!!

P.S. He actually "Gained major funding during the 1999 Hong Kong Film Festival by showing his film Following (1998) and then asking the audience to donate money to his next film Memento (2000).

BRAVO HongKIE, Bravo!

Lately,

Various friends or people have come to ask me to be involved in some projects. Guess, they know I am in desperate need for money. The fields are really scattered. Some are not even my expertise. 

As a fisherman, I take on everything. I think, to some, it may not be right in a business term. Yet, I am THE business. My brain is my business. I got nothing to offer but to sell my brain and time. What do I want in return? These are the main concerns for me.

I want enough salary to afford my livelihood. Buy food for my dogs and save some for their in-case of emergency such as desex, surgery, etc etc.....those cost alot. I need freedom. I dont want to go back to a job. Stability vs freedom. I want freedom. I NEED a holiday, which I didnt really have for maybe few years. But my holiday will no longer be purely holiday. As a fisherman, I will go around to search for fish. So it will always be work+holiday => if not I would feel upset. Business opportunity has already so gel-ed, so stuffed, so grown into my every thinking & my being. I become IT.

I am going through the poorest stage of my life, but I am at my most contented page. So, friends, dont worry I am not treating myself good. Actually I like it. I just want ti say it here, how life has evolved me. There's no right or wrong in this aspect if I am contented with it, rite?

Big Whale catcher or a fisherman

Was talking to a friend today, who has her business as well. It's always good to have talks with people like these, as I could get a chance to re-evaluate some of my thinkings. Well, she gave me some good suggestion, indeed. I am always blessed to have people who are selflessly sharing secrets with me.

It got me thinking. Some people work great as a whale catcher, while, some like me are good to be a fisherman. I dont have the skills, or I dont plan to learn the skills that well to be so focused at catching a big whale. I could say they work smart way, as all they need to do is seasonally spotting for a good whale.

While, for fisherman, yes we need to wait for the great season too, but we need to work the stupid way - cast the net, catch the fish, then categories various fishes into the right place. The profit margin is less, unlike the whale catcher, really. I believe higher profits should go to people who are so focused.

I thought about it. Could I be like that? Really, I know myself I cant. Id rather be a fisherman. I really want to see if one day I could catch a fish with a golden spoon in its mouth or not, or if it's so rare I wouldnt need to work for the rest of my life coz of its fish. Guess, 1. I am living in my own universe, 2. I believe in miracle, 3. I am a gambler.

I am bored.

I rarely go on FB much nowadays. 

People keep sometimes (to me once a year is not bearable too) posting how you choose a woman, or what qualities you should be looking for in a man, or how worse HKprincess syndrome is................it's so CLICHE, so BORING......can they come up with something new or more original? Like, they make a list of what they think, instead of posting other pple's work?

Then, I deleted many women esp from my FB because they posted their kids pic up EVERY OTHER DAY, if not everyday. DO U KNOW THAT YOUR BABY ISNT REALLY THAT CUTE?!?! I am not referring to some of you who have a family & kids, as seriously you actually dont post pictures up of your kids enough as far as I am concerned.

Then, there are some who keep whinning.........I am moody, I am emotional, I am sad. Why they just get moody everyday & talk about it? I am moody daily too, seriously. I really wish they all had my share of bad luck - guess they wouldnt say they were moody, they would ONLY talk about how to KILL THEMSELVES the best ways!

Then, lets not leave the political correct people. Dont want to comment them, as I am always political neutral or political incorrect.

So Blessed!

I feel so blessed again & again with good friends & +ve thinking.

I dont pity you becoz you are OLD.

Seriously.

I dont believe in age thing. Sometimes, when me & my frenz talk, we talk about how unmotivated or "stupid" the just-outta Uni people are. However, actually I never entirely agree with that. This is how we say it as adults. As I clearly recalled, my parents, my aunts, anyone who are like 20-30 years older than me said the same thing - my gen sucks. SO Now I am complaining about next gen? Well....we adults r so silly!!!! I think only part of it is true, not all.

OK back to my topic.

I am sometimes disappointed with the elderly. I dont get it why some govt or co should keep people like these - procasinating, lazy, not upto date..........Dont throw tomatoes to me. Listen to my below cases first!!!

Scenario 1:
I went to Vic Park to swim one day - it was raining dog shits. So I casually asked the MANY old ladies inside if the above resturant was open. They said, I DONT KNOW. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! You work there and you know NOTHING. Then, one night maybe around 9ish, they were so desperate to "FLUSH" the floor - they became so impolite - WAI WAI, DONT CHANGE HERE. WE FLUSH NOW. HEY, flush after 10 la when the pool is closed. Why yell at us getting us out of your way!!????????? You know, there are so many of them, actually basically DOING nothing, just sitting around chatting. That's how WE FLUSH OUR TAX DOLLARS.

Shouldnt they be happy they got a job for so long?!?! THEY SHOULD BE FIRED if I WOULD BE THE MGT!

Scenario 2:
I went to take my laundry just now, but I forgot my receipt. I saw the elderly lady looking concern. of coz I was apologetic. I thought to myself that she must be concerned if there would be a chance that the bags got mixed up.

No No No, babies....No No No.

She was ONLY concerning that there were more work, as she needed to fill in a book and let me sign. Basically, I just took her pen and filled up everything.

Conclusion, I wont pity elderly or respect them, if they dont respect themselves. And no wonder some young gen are behaving like how they are behaving now. It's simple. They got such parents. Dont just blame on the young gen anymore.............coz we were once them, If we could help influence them to be better, do it, as one day they would be raising another batch of young gen.

I am indeed worried for our future, not just HK but the world.

I am Happy!

OK! My boobs is doing fine, thou I would love them to be slightly smaller.......I dont get it why so many pple r trying to get bigger boobs! WAHAHAHA.....................

Around 1.5 mth exercise & being careful with my diet, I finally found some pictures that I dont have gigantic fat face.....ie great. I am happy!!!! Sometimes, hardwork does pay off !!!!! I WILL CONTINUE....FIGHT HARDER!!!

And it's great catching up with frenz. We used to hang out every 2 weeks. Now, few times a year if we got lucky. So I am glad we did all go. Of coz, it has been sized down. It would be like 10-20 people at any one time couple of years ago. People left. Pple got separated (like me & ex), but it's all good that the good ones stay behind!

Honestly, I am not into pub scene anymore. We all felt sleepy after an hr. We found music boring. Ar, getting old? I wudnt think so, thou, I must say we have our own priorities now. For me, my dogs r my priorities. My sis kids are mine too. Id rather spend time with them doing nothing - feel so contented. Also, spending time with people that deserve your presence is important as well.

Anyhow, it was a good weekend. I feel happy.

CALMNESS

My fate is somewhat going to be determinded by a conf call by a bunch of europeans. Isnt it cool????

Shit, I should be shitting myself freaking out now. But I am very calm like hte silent Space. I guess my last 2 years of training and many years training my EQ (from -ve EQ) from my neurotic, suspicious bossesssssss..........I learnt my lesson. The only way to combat this fear is to ignore it. Find more things to do. Ie why I have been sending out many many emails on proposing business co-operation.

What if it's bad news? Honestly, I will be happy too, as this gives me a direction. Finally, I can let go completely. Feel suck for sure. But I have done my best. I will work on something else. It's like a bad relationship. Getting out or staying put. It's never an easy way out. If someones makes the move, sometimes inside we are happy despite we may feel remorse toward them at the same time. Bittersweet is the sweetest of all.

If it's good news. Whoever is reading it, I will buy a drink when I see you! :)

Live in fairy tale

I like fairy tales, like Little Mermaid. Not snow white thou. I even believe in fairies. Of coz, you know I believe in other intelligent beings too.

I realize today that I am so stubborn or so living in my own universe, I so wanted to ignore the reality. Anyhow, I make up my mind I will do something now. Maybe bow to the reality. 

My fairy tale or universe never consists of White Knight saving me from the top floor of a castle. My mind, I have always been stuck in a pit suffocating since I was 18. My universe consists of happiness, real enjoyment of freedom, free thinkings, free of judgement, free to be me, you, them. I am not looking for a Utopia. I dont believe in paradise or free of troubles. On the contrary, I believe only via experiencing life & challenges make one being able to be free.

I hope this is the final training of the supreme being for me for the next 20-30 years. I am outta wit. Outta energy to fight, to stay positive, to be ah Q. I just want to be ME to believe in the goodness of things, faith in better Me-tomorrow.

MERRY XMAS!!!!

My friend Leo just wished us MERRY XMAS FOUR months in advance. I WANT TO WISH U ALL HERE - MERRY XMAS in ADVANCE too!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always love Xmas, since I came back to HK. But last few years I didnt find my Xmas very magical. Somehow this year, esp thanks to Leo's reminder, I am feeling the magic again. I like Xmas as it's supposed to be a season of FUN FUN FUN. not of the gifts or snow.

Wishing U a magical pre Xmas months!!!!!

sorry

I kinda went through last 2 week entries. MAN, I have been pissed. And agitated. Sorry for all the negativity. But well, the truth is I am waiting for a news, which makes me so agitated. Actually, was waiting for two news, one was good news. I hope the other one that makes me so agitated is good news too. I wasnt planning to talk about it, as I realize the more I talk about a positive thing or hope for the good things - they never come. It's so against the law of attraction or book of secrets. Anyhow...........I just briefly mention it here without details, due to these reasons. I am holding all the anger and expectation in......actually.

No need to encourage me. Just secretly pray for me. :) 

THANKS MY FRENS WHO HAVE BEEN READING ME HERE.......^^

Politically Correct?

I dont understand why I cant be politically incorrect?

I am a racist, so what!? But I dont go against all races. I have my share of experience with some in that race then make my decision why I dont like them in general. But I am an extreme person. I dont like that race, dont mean I cant like one particular person of that race.

Why do we have to be politically correct all the time? I am sometimes politically neutral, as I got no preference but when I choose to be politically incorrect, I dont think people should correct me when I dont correct them.

I have other things which may sound politically incorrect. Racist is just one of them. I am racist against 2 races only, but after the hostage siege last nite, it may bump upto three. I hvnt made up my mind yet.

In short, I want to say something to praise myself. haha.....above is just an intro. When I was studying in Aus, I was trying to be a good person and also a good representative of a Hongkie. I did get various compliment from various nationalities saying that becoz they ve known me they ve changed their views on Hongkies. However, I hv met many various different nationalities that not only they never try to be a good citizen, they never even try to be a nice person. So in one sentence, they deserve my despise. :)

This is just me, being so politically incorrect of being racist and a show-off person. :D

Another Horrible News of HK

I am sure you are feeling really angry & sad for the hostages that were kept at a tour bus in Manila last night. WHo knows! It's their last day of the trip. It was meant to be? It was fate?

I say it was SHIT.

Honestly, I have never been fond of philippinos. One of them even not just seduced my late grand-dad, I believe she even took his money. Anyways, men frail, fial at old age, no big biggie. Now, I will dislike them more. I know it's super childish, but this is what I have to do.

I hope the families and people who stay alive keep strong, though honestly who can? Easy to say it, isnt it? I put myself in their shoes - it's just impossible. I just hope they allow themselves time to heal.

My Memory Sucks!!!

Do you sometimes feel like you mix up the memories of where you meet certain people? This always happened to me. When I first came back to HK, I walked on the street - I saw faces or people or friends who greeted me..............I got confused if I knew them from HK? S'pore? Melbourne? KL? China? Or even some travellers I bumped into during the trips to Cambodia or Laos. Or they are just friends of my other friends.

Yesterday, I heard a bad news. Someone I was supposed to know in Australia passed away. He should be very young. But I got no recollection of who this person is? Am I seriously a bitch? I wasnt, actually, when I was in OZ. I was very gullible, naive, thou complicated & deep thinker - yet maybe instrinsically I am a bitch. How could I not remember someone whom I might have seen every week in a church fellowship & he used to hang out with my friend's ex - and my fren & ex were always hanging out with me!!??

Maybe, I could indeed let go of past memory. I used to be very good at remembering every detail of my memory - I saw it as a duty to remember, to be precise. However, I realized it's actually a bad thing - so I started deleting details. Well, of coz I would remember important details.

After 10 years back in HK, I have become less confused. But now, another problem surfaces - Oh, I met this person from this friend or that friend or at a party or at another networking meeting? Man, I am not paid to remember people's faces and I am bad with names. Very bad. I need to see the name written down to indeed remember. So, if you introduce me to your frenz, I would surely make them very happy but pls ask them not to ask me what's their name, as I am 99.9% sure - I WONT REMEMBER.

Shutter Island

I didnt sleep as I got morning meeting.....I was afraid I couldnt get up. Anyways, as some may know, my lack of sleep does sometimes spark crazy creativity and bad spelling. Shit, I shud have studied advertising or something - those pple dont sleep and they are bad in vocab.

Anyways, I watched Shutter Island. To my amazement, it's pretty damn good. I never liked "prison" drama so I never watched Prison Break. I wasnt fond of Leonardo, thou I would go to see most of his films. This one - his performance was fantastic. He got the neurotic look going on. 

And the suspense was very well done. Some parts of the "dreaming" or "Hallucination" scenes were shot really great. I thought to myself, it must be done by a great director.....oh yea, By Martin Scorsese. Man, he's 68 yo but he still got alotta projects going on!!! 

Sometimes, it's great to see a movie because you know which director is in it. Like this case, it would be great to have no idea like me. As I am not fond of this Martin.....I glanced through the movies he directed, didnt like. Esp, I so digusted by The Departed, which I fell asleep half way, which is something I rarely do. He so didnt get the concept of Infernal Affairs - he & the cast did suck jobs in there. Sorry, I like the HK version too much!!!

Do grab a dvd. Worth your time.

I hate chinese thinking 2

Same as the other one beginning, I am not exactly sure about if chinese tend to do it more, but then it kinda instills in chinese minds. Never praise someone. By saying something negative "constructive criticism" make someone grow.

I hate my parents and my whole family for that. All I could remember about them is nothing constructive but destructive. I love them, too. Actually more like pity love. How sad sometimes for so many folks who are not qualified to be parents in this modern world to be parents. And they were parents of five, plus with another 10 dogs and other freaking animals - I had a crocodile before.

Well, yes, I already let it go. Many people would say "suen la" (aka never mind, let it go). I do. But honestly, I am just being honest here. What's wrong with being truthful and honest? Not that I am going to revenge.

Pls dont misunderstand I am not proud of being chinese. Actually, I am very much. I dont want to be of any other nationality actually. But the fact is, many chinese in HK are so old-schooled, so outdated, so boring, so shitty dead zombie-like - but then pointing fingers at people like me who dare to be different, or who try to be different. WHY WHY WHY??? People like to step on others? Is it the other way to survive???

I forbid my mom telling my sis kids any negative words such as ":not smart enough" "stupid" "Slow"..................as best as I can. I am just so frustrated sometimes, if you know what I mean. How hard it is to get rid of the negative words out of your mind from your loved ones. The outside people only add on more coals, which are not the origin.

Anyways, pls I beg of you. Say something nice to your spouse, your friends. Dont u think that I dont know my weakness? Why stress on it when I already know? Your family, your kids, your friends, your staff - THEY KNOW (most likely anyways) - even they dont know, I believe being a simple minded person is god-sent-gift!

Thanks to 3 very important people at various stages in my life, they were the ones who just speak of kind comment honestly - I know they see my weakness too, but they know I know my weakness too.

1. My high school teacher Mr Pong - he told me I was a potential child. I could achieve great things.

2. My room-mate Ellie - who reinforce my confidence in believing I was indeed a cool & creative person. keke

3. My best friend Leo - who speaks kindly to me and has been encouraging to my every move.

Not that I need to hear something positive all the time. I am saying, dont speak negatively all the time.

Guess what! I bet many people misunderstand my meaning already. haha

Sorry, this week is an anger week. I am kinda venting them all out.