Believing

It's been a tough last week, I never took so long and still experiencing the roller coaster hairraising thoughts....Really, usually I could settle down within 3 days, but I only allowed myself 1 day usually. 

This time, it's not as easy, guess it's something very alien to me. I can forsee it will take me 10 times more time to get settled down. But it's a good experience, somehow, I realize, I could untab another side of my brain & heart. It's a good learning experience, I have to say, I mean regardless whatever the outcome is going to be.

And I thought before I was fearless, super cool...nah...I am not at all, really. Super uncool. haha. It's good to know that I am not that perfect or mature and I realize I am still but a child inside. GREAT! It gives me some hope so that I will continue to explore the world, the human nature, the inner core.

However, I believe in human, no matter what, has a hint of kindness within. I remember when I was in early 20's, I wrote something like.....no matter how wicked or evil a person is, they can never win LUV. I used Hitler as an example in my writings. & of coz some serial killers too. I feel, even the world thinks he's evil, I strongly believe at some points he was kind, he did have the hint of goodness in him. I dont believe in 100% good or 100% evil. I am a greyish person anyhow. Of coz he's twisted......yet, I still strongly believe when a killer kills, yes the thrill thrill them, BUT I do believe somewhere somehow there must be a kind voice calling out for them...........of coz they could be deafened by the thrill, the excitement....ummm........

For me, I believe in the people I have 99.9% believe in. If I read that person, I know in my heart that he's what I see. So I still have belief, I have hope, and afterall I live in my fairy tale, believing in goodness of poople, believing in the kindness of humans' heart.

Actually, as I mentioned there was a scam last month, what I didnt tell you is that, I wrote that scammer a thank-you email, for teaching me a lesson. hehe....and I hope he would find the joy in continuing in scamming people, if ie what he likes to do. Didnt think it worths me to yell at him or whatever. He doesnt deserve it, but he teaches me one thing - I should believe in my heart and rationale more.

In conclusion, I find these unsettling feelings have given me something, something more precious that I could imagine at this moment, but I believe, yes I BELIEVE, one day I will reap the harvest of being such a diligent student of the universe. :D