Oh Gosh.

My last entry was in Feb 2013??? WTF???? Shits, U know, I kept seeing alotta prints everywhere rgd "time flies", and at times - I feel what a joke. Why time would fly off from my palms?? Is it me or is it time? According to me, I always blame myself first. But my work past 2 years have drained me, I have become a bed potato - yes my TV is right in front of my bed and I am always addicted to all types of TV drama...from cheesy Vampire Diaries to drama packed Hannibal.

I have many thoughts lately, as I went to see a psychic, she asked me to seriously write down my goals for 2014, as it's gonna be a great year. yes I know...many told me that and actually I am starting to freak out (lemme go into it later). Yup...alot happenings this year, and I even recieved a mail from a reader encouraging me not to stop writing....I am so sorry that I didnt reply. I was about to write an entry to thank you but I couldnt bring my fingers moving. As if you do read my blog once a while, you know that my fingers move faster than brain. I didnt want to fake a thank-you to anyone...more & more, i want to be real, real in my reality; be it it's my fairy tale land. Am I still a fairy tale gal? Actually I have become an aggressive fairy tale gal. More practical fairy tale gal....what I meant is....I am making my fairy tales happen. I lately also think, I want to see a unicorn, and I know I will see one soon...better if I could touch it.

OK.

What I hate nowadays is that - I got a thought, I got it as so enlightening & brilliant - next moment it just went off with my shredded skin cells....go went gone!!!! I hate it. I want to have a thought cream to keep my thoughts so moisturized and stuck back to my thought epidermis....so it dont shred off so easily. Aiiii....I am blue when I am thinking about it.

I got a topic originally, maybe 2 days ago....as I keep thinking about my past few years. I thought of the word - lifespan, but I wasnt trying to talk about lifespan, I guess (I so forgot now) I wanted to talk about various events that shape me..blahhhh, but as said, I so forgot about it now. 

About my 2014 goals setting.....you know, so many keep telling me it'sgonna be a great cycle for me, but I am then starting to freak out. I guess, on some level - I aim for success, but I am so afraid of it too, so I always sabotaged myself many ways. As many do such psychotic thing in their lives....so I am trying to find the source code to hack my system, or to educate to learn to receive the crown....on another end, I know me too, I am a fucking arrogant bitch, yet - I know it would be my arrogance one day that demolish all my hardworks, which I have seen many times in my life....these 2 extremes are plaguing me in a very neurotic ways. Friends, i am scared indeed. 

So then, I went to temple. I told whoever gods that I am afraid of my arrogance but also pleaded that - pls bring success to me. I as always do....help others to be enlightened.

Maybe at the end of the day, if there's a god or not, we indeed need to feel there's a higher being.....I dont believe by thinking positive, things will turn great. But I do believe sending positive energy to the universe. OK, i may sound scattered and conflict-ky again.

Till then, I will write again, as indeed.....by writing, by loading my cells here - I feel I can relive again. I can rethink again. I can revive again, as a human or as an ET.

Happy new Year. magical new year, that is. I think if we dont find life or events stained with a bit of magic, what's the point of all the cells regeneration or mutation.....hence there must be magic surrounding us. :)

Excuses & apology

Hey yo! Morning from Rome!
I wrote 2 entries yesterday but I know my spelling was horrible with the ever illogical grammar n tenses! Anyways - excuse 1 is that I was using iPad. Excuse 2 is that I was freaking tired! Excuse 3 is I used to get horrible English teachers!

So apology offered n just accept it, if u may!

I got no resolution for 2013 as somehow it passes the same way as 2012! But everyday I try to set a goal - n guess I'll try to write everyday here in Rome! Cudnt sleep much still - supposed - I'm used to the walking pain already!!

Hv a good day!

The trevi

Rome, is a city u have to walk soooooo much! I don't know why those SEA pple kept saying " u hongkies need to walk a lot ehr!?" I walked for 2 years already after 3 days here! Shits, I once thought of going to those pilgrimage , I think I won't be able to make it. I will die there! I am not kidding! I will definitely die!!!!

And so I set out to walk and walk today and....from coliseum to...somewhere then to find the fountain of Trevi! Ok well, I got lost....I cud feel my way usually, but I got lost! I started thinking.....finding luv is a journey to some, if u r serious about it. And it may not mean u will ever find it as usually if its sthg u want, it definitely has hurdles, so u set out....u try to hear the sound, the whisper of the gushing water....u cudnt. So u stop and eat as its really brutal out there. Then u found pple who r quite cold....and u got ur stomach filled, u walk again....u try to look at maps....u try to try ur luck.....u try to just stop and have a smoke to cool off.....still, where r the arches that lead u there....u can't see.....

So....by the time u r going to give up

Maybe u stop....u will ask...maybe from god, or from tarot readers ( to be frank, I was thinking about this while trying to find my way to the fountain of luv, and there I saw tarot cards after 2s of my thoughts!!) .... Yes so u consult....somehow they show u the way, but its just the direction. It's upto u to continue on to walk it! The funny thing is......when u seem u r lost, pple start to ask u for direction! Do I seem like an Italian Chinese!? Anyhows, I think I do a gd con to make most pple believe I actually live at that place most of the time! It's by not looking around.....being a solo traveller, I ind this helps me a lot by looking utterly ruthless!!!! Haha.....

Back to where I want to talk abt. Love.....

Okok....still a long way to b there n u got it....yet, pple in front of u crowded u from walking close. Mayb u shud try harder, maybe I shud just project a coin surpassing hordes of heads w my superhero strength, but at that moment, I felt.....it's not worth it, as I want to keep my 1 € coin instead....coz what if, I have a pee urgency that I need that freaking coin for it!?!? So I looked, I turned......I realize from my way there, there's no any signs of the fountain.....yet, I also realize, I was so close on my first day......so close....from that side, there was actually a sign! Ok....

The moral of the story is

For love, love will find u, but for some, u hv to find it

Still, u still gotta work for it

Still, when u reach there, u may not want to throw the coin

Months pass.....

How to begin here?

I have become an irregular! Gosh! What happened!? I can only say....I am starting to have grey hair! At least a regular one strand! They say, if u pull one, there grows 7 ones. Hence pple usually don't do the plucking! Not me, as I don't believe I have! Rather, I believe it will be healed! Let me give u an eg!

My dog shadow- a sausage dog, at her 14-15 yo age, still owns glossy shiny black hair! And coz I never want her to grow old. Not that I want to be forever young, as a matter of fact, I have been envisioning or rehearsing the moment of my own last breath. Death has been a strange thought to me lately. I don't believe I am going to die soon, but rehearsing it somewhat makes me want to look at the present more! Maybe it's strange or taboo to some, but somewhat it works on me!

ESP when I am standing, walking on paths of the ancient......first Egypt , today Rome.....I somewhat was thinking (not that I am so romantica) how those who thought they wud be forever young and powerful gladiators, Pharaohs, or pope....they once stepped on where I was....even the fishermen in the past from hk.....now I am standing there, they once stood....and one day, another dawn wud be sitting at where I am at....pondering how they might live forever.....or how they r so depressed, stressed or how they will be one day blah......

So I am rehearsing that moment, maybe force me to have no regret when I breathe last one day! Maybe it doesn't make sense, but....then I realize.....one thing.....seeing places I never see, seems strange to me now. Everywhere is so similar....in its different sense. 

Oh, one thing, usually a place I go, I at times felt I was there. Definitely egypt I had that feeling, not Rome though....I don't think I am going to fall in luv with this place....now everywhere I go, I just want to do research in advance so that maybe I cud bring my mom here! 

Gosh, this piece sounds so boring...li was thinking to write about finding my way to the "fountain of love" - maybe it wud seem more enchanting.

Anyways just some irregular regular thoughts.

Happy Chinese New Year of year of snake.

Now I don't even know the significance of the animal. One thing, if there's a past life, I shudnt be living even close to Asia, very likely I wud be a middle eastern woman living in the desert or actually some form of royal heritage! Coz I am quite an ass in this lifetime.

Cheerios.

One needs to experience it to un it

After roaming around the world for so many freaking years, many things I am yet to experience. Oh yes, in btw, we didnt die from that so-longing end of the world, I always thought something could have happened. Not in terms of tsunami type of things, but maybe spiritual enlightenment or ridding of stupid people or christian rapture wud be something cool and saliva-drooling events I wud wish to experience.

Shit, do we need to wait another eternity? Okies.

I didnt do surgery but I am still unwell. If after this week, it's not recovered, I think I could either have cancer or just something really wrong with my organs. Anyhow. But I could say, this sickness' orign is something I would never expect myself to experience.

First, I have collected over a year sadness from this rp. Nothing violent, but it's always in very melancholic mode. I still love or I shud say I loved this man very much depending from which angle I am looking at and it's first time I allowed myself to fall in love. Definitely, there were reasons how he cud win so utterly of me. No men did before but I hope more men afterwards.........hahahaha. Recently. We separated. Between words, he mentioned something, I felt it's a betrayal of trust. I think that worsens my sickness deeply......

When a person is utterly hurt, wounded.....the breathlessness that comes with it really makes my symptoms worse. So basically my whole system shut down. I couldnt blame its him, definitely, I was sick first. But the whole thing, plus my crying, and my coughing really caused every organ in the lowest modes ever in my life.

Second, stress from work. Frankly, I didnt feel that stressed but according to my doctors, it created too much imbalance in my life.

Third, my dogs. Few incidences, esp Shadow, the older dog really drove me nuts to a point that I told my family, I needed to get rid of her immediately. Then I re-examined.....honestly, she has spent all her life with me, loyal, no matter how crazy she is. I am her only love, parent, friend ever. It's my issues that I didnt spend much time with her, making her feel at ease not to so bratful. Anyways, of coz it was an impulse but I wudnt think about it anymore. It's not about cruelty, it is....when someone has been there for you, you dont get rid of so easily.

So in conclusion, my end 2012, early 2013.....it's a year of very exclusive experience. Frankly, 2012 was in general very very very damn boring year for me. But exclusively, I experienced some things that one needs to use the heart and body to experience to understand or know......

Certain matters we can learn from google, certain matter you need to learn from yourself.

Body and Emotion are still in recovery stage but I am hopeful for 2013. I am actually very excited for months to come though, definitely somewhat my Jan is a wasted cause. But lets the worst happens first then I can focus to enjoy the best moments.

Also, I think another reason why I would be so sick, as I have no where to vent or to share. it used to be here, but past 12 mths, here is a spy-on space so I couldnt say too much. Now. everything is clear, I am free, I guess. Definitely, I need to re-generate the kiddo side of me, as that inner child has grown up in pain, gosh, I hate this....I need to be reborn again. So, I will be seeing more things, visiting more places, meeting more pple......in hope, I could be an interesting person again.

Have a great weekend.

I may need to do surgery

oh, just went to doctor, seems I may need to be admitted to hospital
oh shits, I felt some swelling- up, just a little bit
kinda felt lonely, and understand why pple need to have husbands or wives
times like this, u know who is taking u to hospital or looking after ur dogs....

:(