I was talking to a business partner/friend. It's just strange that I work so well with Taiwanese guyz but not HK guyz. Everytime a HK guy opens his month to discuss something with me, I just want to stuff a hammer into their mouth & then pull out their intestines.
I was telling him how (only realized today) I had been like a beggar gathering loose change from everyone. Not yet one project is making me a decent living.
Decent living means paying rent, a pair of shoes a month, dine out 2 times a week, drinks 2 times a week, get some clothes (maybe Lane Crawford warehouse) once a month, treat my parents dinner every 2 weeks, give pocket money to my mom, pay for some extra-curriculum my sis kids would like to attend, go to movies once a month, buy bday gifts to my good frenz, travel once (I havnt done any leisure trip for more than 2 years), buy starbucks coffee once every 2 days, desex my dog, buy yummy frozen/healthy meat for my dogs, go to see doctors, get some new bedsheets from Ikea, get some white tees, buy new bras sets (which I hvnt done for more than 2 years too), get a new notebook (as I feel mine is dying soon - TOUCH WOOD).............
It's been so tough. I am so not kidding or complaining. Good things I dont remember bad things alot. Actually, I feel I hvnt got outta the pit is coz the universe is saying I DONT BURN THIS LESSON WELL ENOUGH IN MY BRAIN...................I dont remember how hard it is to go w/o money when I actually constantly having zero. I want to tell the universe & everyone - I got it, man. I got it!!!! Just take this misery away, please!!!!
From this month, I am getting loose change from people, like a beggar. People giving me very peanut fees for my service, yet I may get commission at some points if I work so hard. U know.......my brain is going to explode becoz every every fucking project involves creativity. New ideas. New concept. New New New, yet I am getting OLD OLD OLD ............but what can I do? Too bad I sell pple that I am a brainy people.....so I just gotta use my brain. Why people are so mean? So wicked? So selfish? I suppose the universe is teaching me to be mean too. I never thought I would need to be nasty pple on money, but I guess I would............in the future, when I am giving loose change to others. hahaha.....kidding, seriously I really cant be such person. I still have a vision to save the world in my own dawnish way.
Call me stubborn or self-centered. There's nothing anyone can say to me that could make me better as just face it, I am in a pile of shits. Dont ask me to compare with the poorer people, as I always compare with them. I have compassion for them. But I dont deserve to be categorized with them. I was not meant to end up like this. Can you feel the pain of agony? For what I am striving for? For my goals? For my life? For what?
I am seriously not giving up either, as there's no way I will give up now. Oddly, as always, I see whatever I have faced in my life as an experience, as an experience I could share with someone someday, to save some souls.....I am not of a great person, but I want to be a hero in my dawnish way, as always, Stupid as it sounds. haha......
AGAIN, UNiverse or GOD or GODs, pls listen I get it I get it, mean. Just let it go, dont torture me. I am not a great person, I said it. Just give me some breather to live the rest of my life. I will share my miraculous salvation, how I was a beggar, not saved! THANKS!!!!!
