What's Love!?

hehe, as I was making pumpkin biscuits for my dogs, so why not, just drop a note about love!?!?! As I am typing with my notebook sitted on my pillow, my small dog Lottie forced her way on me.

1. ie Love, not being annoyed being disturbed most of the times, I gotta say, 5% of the time I got annoyed.

Someone asked me - do I get bored or disgusted or tired cleaning up the poo and pee for them!?

2. Ie Love, not being disgusted at cleaning up shits for the one U love. No complaint. Frankly, I wud get worried if I dont need to clean the shits.

Waiting. I wait alot......for pumpkin to cool down, then mix then bake....usually 2 rounds of baking to last them like 2 weeks.

3. ie Love, waiting isnt an issue, as long as your love enjoys you and of coz my dogs wait alot for me, to get home, to finish the biscuits. Both sides of waiting that create the magic of intimacy.

Learning from experience. I got no real recipe of how to make it, so I cant really tell others how to make this pumpkin biscuits, but I learn it by believing I will do it for my love, I can master the perfection.

4. Ie Love. Not being afraid of making mistakes but improve from it until u master the the art of loving action. Guess applies to making love, kissing....how to touch, how to "oral sex" haha....how to seduce, same....

Just making pumpkin biscuits has inspired me to write my 2nd entries about love.

5. ie Love. love inspires me. it creates a magic fantasy world in my head. If love grows strong, the fantasy enlarges to a point of explosive magic. And I think I am trying to refer to hope....love makes one inspires hopes, creates belief, and trust.

Look around you, maybe there's something that actually makes u think of love......it cud be ur pillow, ur breath.....or whatever, I think if one couldnt get inspired by sthg, find it....as it substains the search of true love, it creates the need to love for love to continue.

Something I shud be proud of

dont you think....I should be proud of myself!?!? After....1.5 yr, I am still writing at least min 1 entry per week here about stuff, about bullshits, about myself. My mind must be so rubbish yet shining. Till now, I dont even care much if my frenz read, and I know at least 2 would.....and then some othe readers from all over the globe...not many...I am not a celeb, but I appreciate ur support that makes me feel, I shudnt never leave a week to zero entry!!!! And you should be proud too, as you have the patience to hear an old fark pretty gal bullshitting too much always....just keep on blaaaa....

Pple say, sex, love make a person vigilant and looking young, and I think hving the ability to just simply polluting the world could be one way too. At least for me, it is....I must write more to keep my youthful look. hahahahaa

kidding, love u all. ^^

Extra-Ordinary Bones

Eve was created by a bone from Adam according to the bible.....or maybe it's just a story, but it's created from something extra-ordinary, be it god or love. Just a prelude.....

I am thinking about extra-ordinary. I luv the confidence TV show Bones - Bones has -"I am extra-ordinary" trust in herself. I always adore people with so much confidence to a point of arrogance as I am like that too. I am extra-ordinary, too. I knew even when I was young but somehow I was still plagued with so much inferiority given, pushed, imposed, shone upon by my family. Anyhow, I broke free at least 51% from this damn, so I am confident with my own extra-ordinariness. Yet, I am not a saviour. I am not god. I cant create. i cant save.

I can only copulate. I can only copy and paste. I can only co-create.

Was watching this movie - The Last Station, it's about Leo Tolstoy and his wife etc. And somehow, it's fiction or not, it doesnt matter. But it started off with his quote - everything I understand, I understand only because I love. I am pretty sure he was in love with his wife and her same to him - it's unbelievable for her to copy 7 times of his War and Peace, it must be love for doing that. Anyways....maybe the love he's referring to, doesnt necessarily correlate to romantic love.

And then somehow lately this extraordinary has been running through my mind. I think no matter how ordinary a person is, he/she cud be extrao, While, no matter how extra-ordinary a person is, he/she needs to experience ordinaries. Without ordinary, there could never be extra-ordinary.

So what am I trying to say?? hehe, it sounds so confusing, huh!?!?

Oh yes, I remember, I wanted to write a book 10 years ago, the title was - the ordinary extra-ordinary me. hehe........I think I am too in love with myself as always.

My friend just called and she told me she wanted to leave her husband. :) I always got such calls as I always a supportive to any form of leaving action if it's not happy. But then, I was sounding so logical and neutral that she was confused.....lol...reverse psychology - too often I support such actions, people wud then argue their way to the dysfunctional rp. The best is - they make their own fraking decision, rather than asking me, dont u think!? Anyways, she didnt really ask me if she shud leave or not, but moments like this, I guess everyone wants to hear "You are right!".

Umm, sorry, this entry is blablah, as I was playing Rachel Yamagata too loudly and I was too attentive to the lyrics, which most r kinda referring to my sentiments. I will write about love (it seems I said this before here in one of the entries and I did....^^)......more about love, and 2012 in coming entries. I have a new thought....not worldly new but my own self new.....

Till then, have a great week. Stay sober and detox for NYE......I need to take few days off from going out, drinking....I need to embark a new page of life and I need to be ready for it. Yup....I did too much during Xmas, drinking, meeting frenz, staying out late , and I feel my liver is abit overloaded. :)))

XOXO

Did U have a magical Xmas>!>!>!>!>!>?????

Always, I wish everyone a magical Xmas. But mine wasnt that magical, just going out and going out. So I wish everyone a MAGICAL NEW YEAR 2012!!!! I have been waiting for 2012 to come, and it's just crazy it's finally just days away. I remember, when I was much younger, I thought 2012 wud never come as I wud be like an old fart. Shit, now I am an old fart, but a stylish pretty kind who has many experience as her medals and scars.

I am not sure what;s gonna happen in 2012, but definitely by end 2012, I wudnt be spending alone. I know that. hehe

OK, just want to say Hi to everyone. Did want to write a dream....it was quite vivid. And will do it later. Maybe.

Lastly, done your resolution yet?!?! if not, do it now. I hvnt done but I will spend an afternoon with my notepad doing that this week. It's kinda cliche really....but it's a good cliche afterall. So why not!?!?!?!

Do leave ur comments here to let me know ur top 3 goals for 2012, if u like, U can tell me even ur 2015 goals, I wud be delighted too. :))

Shameless

Not me! Yes me....
OK, I am going to talk about TV again. Hvnt watched much movies lately. But TV, yes very much, as basically it's a mindless action, I let the whole season run at the back of my skull, while sleeping. That's my habit. And lately I realize that I like Showtime shows such as dexter, homeland, weeds, now it seems shameless is quite interesting, just always drama upon drama - and of coz each episode they could always some sorta solve the "drama".

Well, I wish our lives cud be as fun, we could ensure to solve some drama at the end of the day or at the end of the year. But then at times without issues, what a life there is to live? To experience? To feel triumphed?

more hopeful, I guess

I should give thanks, actually after negotiating with some gods, it seems I got partially what I wanted. At least one out of three fulfilled, it's pretty awesome. Though, something happened on the good news day and that made me reallllllly bitter and sad. And my heart is since still filled with some form of heaviness.....anyways, guess yin & yang.....u need to balance it with some heaviness and lightness, if not it all turns out to be indeed unbearable lightness or heaviness of being. 

Then at times like this, after close to 4 years of being single....of coz I have had different dates or so on. Yet, maybe it's winter, the feeling is quite overwhelming. It never happened much like this before, and I rarely whine about being lonely or alone in the past, except this year......guess once u have experienced love and U cant actually physically be with that person, the loneliness amplifies and it's just unbearable....

It's been really nice to have you guyz checking on me here and lately I got a mega-email, very long and entertaining. And it's good at times, U got people to share your views or express his/her own diff views on stuff with substance. It's even more challenging to reply to the points but I luv this.

then, 2012 is gonna be exciting. More things seem to be looking up, and I am going to enter a new territory that I have never been really fully equipped so it means it's gonna be super challenging, tiring, exhausting - BUT alot to learn. How to make a person fresh is one continues to find lessons, experience - and trully benefit from them, and continuously stimulate the mind makes a person more alive. And I need this aliveness very much.

Yet, a thing to note. Was talking to a fren rgd her triangle love affairs, I feel - she puts too much emphasis on "lessons", haha....guess saying we learn from our mistakes is a positive attitude, yet - relying on learning from mistakes will destroy a person. And I hope, I will be smarter in striking the balance of learning from mistakes vs relying on learning lessons from mistakes.

Heaven & Hell

Im heaven & hell! I take u to heaven and I can bring u to hell! Isn't god the one who does that!? Then I must b god! Mayb everyone actually is....god!!

Left & right! I'm living in left & right situation! My dogs - they are sleeping on my left & right sides! I turn, they follow! My body of left n right sides no longer belong to me!

Life & death! Every morning I want to stab or jump so I can be dead dead! Yet, I try to live in the ebby of much waiting waiting & waiting for all these years!!

Black or white! Hving no white hair pple mock at me gor not using my brain yet everyone wants to dye their hair black so they can look young!

Pathetic n jealous life I'm leading!!!!

I HATE days LIKE THIS

These few days have been dreadful due to some reasons so I luv this song, it just speaks my RAINY spirit.

Some guyz are so weird. OK, this german guy I met via Linkedin, I told about. He buzzed me again and asked me when we could "shag" or his words - "lets have a dinner and sweet time", haha. I said, I cant, I got a bf....:P I really didnt want to hv a sweet time with him. But I am not someone who wud ignore a buzz.....

Then he asked me if I loved my "bf", I said yes I love him. Then he said, you love him then why dont you have a naughty time with me??? kakakakakak

What kind of rationale is that, man!? I am flattered, frankly....I am not a pretty gal. Normal, not ugly. Figure wise? in HK standard, I am FATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. But I am not fat, I have curves, ok!? HK galz have no curves, what so nice about skinny? OK....so yes flattered but...I think guyz are always like this? I dunno....just awkward for me.....

Have been living in colloid hydrogel

Way too long....what the heck is that!? It's actually more scientific term for quicksand. :)

I realize today I have been running inside of the quicksand, no wonder I am so tired - but u watch discovery channel, U know it, once U r being put there, the chance of getting is tough by urself. OK, so that has been my state for long long time.....did I choose? No, I wud say No, I was forced to or simply put there by the almighty hand. Yet,

I think, I am always addicted to challenges or metamorphosis....wud it be a way god is trying to break me and mould me again!? But this time, frankly, this little joke is abit too much for a poor single lonely gal to handle. All sides....absolutely crushed. But then....

A note to think - I am not dead yet, so...does it mean I have a chance, surely I do, I know it, as I could feel, finally I got a hang of how to get outta this quicksand and now I am abit scared to get outta it. U know....abit like the stockholm syndrome....hehehe.....

And then was talking to a fren I havnt talked w for more than 4-5 yrs. What I was trying to explain to her, the first 2 yrs were training mind, and this year is training heart. And they all suck....haha...no, I know in few yrs time, when I look back, I would appreciate every moment of my life these 3 years but at this moment - I cant. 

OK, well, always say better tomorrow....may we hv that too. Together, as buddies. :))

Looking Back

This is one of those mornings, I got up and thought of the many mistakes I made during this year and some time ago. I usually did it every few days in the past, now I do it collectively in one go. I am facing some consequences and maybe doing it now in beginning of Dec is good, so kinda - I could set some resolution end of this month. I have been waiting for 2012 to arrive since dunno-when, yes I am always intrigued by weird stuff....and Mayan calendar has been the topic btw some frenz, eg Bruce since many yrs ago.

I think I always thought, by the time 2012, I would already visit Peru and be transported away from earth, haha. Or it;s already end of time and rapture is taking place, blaaaa.

Mistakes, well....some of the mistakes I made were due to ignorance. Maybe people say I am an impulsive person....yea, maybe, so I made some mistakes. But many were committed due to my emotional state. Somewhere I heard, some women would take testosterones to cure their fluctuating emotion, and I always think maybe ie what I need. hehe.

Lately. I have been wishing abit if only I could be more like my frenz & family, then if that's the case, my life should be less turmoil (maybe). Or if I didnt rely on so much of my decision making skills, guess....I wouldnt be alone now. Or, if I did this or that, I would be a more successful person, etc.

This year is esperically obvious. I have been affected by stuff that basically handicap my every move, and frankly-----for someone who rarely exercise regrets, I feel abit regretful. so this morning, when I got up, I started analysising......the mistake I made couple of months ago, nothing big....but it may affect my fren, so what I am going to do is to take all responsibility, and that's my decision. I need my soul to be restful - despite she made half of the mistakes too, yet, people never think they have done anything wrong.....yet, I need to have clear conscience - and honestly ultimately one day I analyse myself I wud think by my doing it is an act of impulse. But I need it to be out of my head as fast as possible.

Then beginning of the year, I trusted someone - actually I havent thought about it for a while.....and it affected me abit only....as I didnt tell that person to go to hell, rather, I blessed him - may his con find his way back to him one day, U reap what U sow. So I wonder.....if I did sow something bad in the past too, hehe.

All these are not really committed due to impulse, rather coz of ignorance....not understanding something well enough....so I must put this in my head today to take heed of the lessons.

Of coz then.....some romances, and bla.....I find men do affect my emotional state alot. Maybe, as many say I am a floating person, many a times I would hope to be grounded somewhere...as pple say, to rest. Yet, I think it's not the case, so I must learn to more compartmentalize myself. It's something I forsake it for some time........

I am not moody but surely I am not in good mood. Scratching out mistakes is quite tough to the soul, but I must find ways to untie it one by one so I could be set free and I need to be free......As I do hope by the time this blog hit maybe 600 entries, or something....I could say wow, I am a free bird now....haha, flying....I doubt it wud happen by 600, but then it's a nice target, achievable and soon. :)

Have a good weekend.

Quilt Cover

Tonight is cold, and I am going to bring my not too warm quilt out soon. And I remember this quilt cover that my ex bought with me in Australia. I am not sentimental or attached to things of the past much, but tonite I somewhat thought of him as he was my refuge my hospital once. I think in my life I have come across many men - he's definitely not a core shaken nor a soul revivalist, but he is a hospital. Frankly, I used him to cure my wounds.....since after him, I have become many's hospitals.....I always think it;s a karma thing.

I am thinking over the changes I have attained past 10 years. I have changed alot. Then this word, metamorphosis came to mind and I wonder....as many people wud call me butterfly as many know I am not an earthy animal....I wonder if I am actually experiencing the bursting out pain now to become a real butterfly. I hope it is....as I still have hopes, U know. I am just slightly fearful that....that's it.

I think, I want to buy a new quilt cover with someone else...I want new memory, I want new things. I am frankly not attached to this cover, haha....nah, I am more cold-blooded than that. I just dont attach things to a face much. But lately though someone has brought out this side of me....but I am resisting that, or,...maybe with some sorta attachment is a good thing!? I think so....maybe it's ok then. I think people with not obsessive attachment is a healthy living being. I am definitely the cold-blooded kind,.....so I am learning.....metapmorphosising....and hope maybe one day I will indeed turn into a bright pretty uniquely patterned butterfly. As I said in pewvious entry.....I negotiated my way with god(s)....another thing I would put on the table is - I genuinely want to bless people with the good things I have, be it love, money, joy, care.....actually I am a wonderful person and am gonna bless many people, so I would pray when I pray maybe god could help me a little, so....in turn I can bless the world, or at least people ard me. How to draw more water from an already dry-up well, ie my arguement point.

U think god will buy? I hope he's reasonable enough to buy my negotiation points.

OK, hehe...just some thoughts before sleep. And dont mean to be negative....but ai well, as said, this is my space, I can say whatever I want and like.....:)))) But thanks for dropping by.

Collision

My mind is in collision.

Was watching TV shows, Bones, Criminal Minds. I esp enjoy their brainy quotes. These ones -

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Joseph Campbell

 

Then I query myself......I want all doors open for me, actually contrary to many beliefs, I am very dedicated in believing the universe...though my arrogant face always looks skeptical. Then my next question is - what's my bliss?? Where's my bliss? I can never answer the question - what makes u happy. I apply deduction method - to deduce what's less unhappiness. 

Just like the question - what do you want?! I have been asked many times before....and I always asked back. Usually people cant really answer this Q....genuinely. I am not sure, lately - I could answer that, but as I was going through the quotes of Campbell - another one has affected me a little. It's about marriage vs love affairs (guess means all kinda luving rp). Anyways.....so, I am asking myself today, what's my bliss!?

I feel heavy inside when I ask myself this Q, so I am going to light a cigarrette and ponders alittle....I know today I cant find the answer, but the heaviness inside I feel - it will drive me towards that goal. I think I will find it.....I know I will find it.....The universe has the obligation to help me find it....hehe

Whenever I pray, I would somewhat negotiate my way - kinda like this. I have had my shares of "bad fortunes" as my frenz quoted, but I always treat them with respect and joy as I believe they are lessons, experience I have to go through for next stage, and at the same time seeing the deeper inside of myself that - I aint that really that good as I think I am. I have recognize that without blaming anyone nor god nor universe nor my parents....I dont even blame myself (ok...lemme think I did blame, maybe at times)...severely....all I do is press on, pick up myself, try to smile and actually give joy to others. So maybe if U r listening, give me a nudge and a hand....I am not stupid, actually I am exceptionally bright, so, why torture such a potential being here on earth. Maybe....well, the other alternative is just to take me away from here and bring me to heavenly stars.

U thinjk whoever listening will help me?? hehe...I hope it doesnt sound too arrogant but trully...I have had enough of diff things. I am really getting tired in my physical, heart and brain. My soul is ageing too...I never feel my soul is ageing, as no matter how....my soul was always hopeful.....anyhow...

if U somewhat pray too, ask your gods to spare me, let me walk towards the brightest paths as I do believe with all my being & all my soulful energy, I deserve it.

Thanks.

armpits

They smell.....huh!? yes, I wonder why armpits smell so bad. But it gives me an inspiration coz of Lottie.....my dog, I have been quite busy lately so I rarely sleep or lie in bed w her all day long, so when I got home yesterday adn while we slept.....she tugged her head into my armpit. She doesnt usually sleep with her face facing me, always her ass facing but last nite, for long time....her face was sticking into my armpit. That made me realize, she missed me indeed alot.

Then got me thinking.....I luv sleeping like a small teddy bear under arms...I never thought of armpits though. But today, I realize I miss tugging into someone's armpit, sleeping.....think abt it. When I was a baby, when mom held me....the closest area wud be chest and armpits and armpits radiate most smell....not the boobs, boobs r just like pillow.....something different, when we hv real pillows, we realize, real pillows r better, so I never turn bi and men always luv boobs......becoz they always want to hv more than 1 pillow. :)

When u feel love, it makes u think more out of the zone, but also it cloes much opportunity to think outside of other box.

Surprises

Did I ever mention I luv surprises?

And I always luv giving surprises too. Maybe I like shocking pink.....or just pitch dark. I mean all the extremity, I indulge in. Frankly, how hard it is to surprise people u luv & care?

I luv thou little surprises from frenz. E.g. this bday, Bruce & his wife gave me 2 gifts that are supposed to be given by lovers....hehe. Or at times my dog surprises me with her questionably sweetness when I am moody or a gentle msg to tell me I am missed.....or someone told me he wud check on my blog frequently here to see if I am ok......all these r so luving.I luv every gesture someone makes to make me smile and surprise me

Lately....

My very sweet fren asked me to attend a party, becoz she wants to introduce me to her frenz - like a parent's day. I find this to be soooooo sweet......and I am glad with honour to be the mom of the day. And I hope I could be a well-behaved mom. :)

I have been moody, emotional terribly for weeks, due to various situations. Yet, hving all these little surprises at times intrigue me to move on, to be a better fren, better person, possibly one day better lover and better mom to my dogs.

So, think of a little surprise to give to your honey or ur pets or maybe ur parents. But most of all, give to the one U indeed luv becoz very likely they so deserve it. :)

frak fake

I am not a fake person but when U grow old, U just hv to be......esp, U r working w many assholes. N fake smile to fake them to think u r stupid or innocent, a fake innocence to fake they can con u or a fake to make u keep the project, u just hv to fake all the way......

how frak?

no, I just hope to fake my way through to buy some times but for a person like me I hate faking too much, way too much. If I dont want smile, I cant. I want to love I love. I want to cry I cry. But now. I smile, laugh, talk in fake tones....yuck! OK, I am so grown-up and I should.

Shit, ignorance is such a bliss. Not adventurous or ambitious is just a fortune. I always ask myself....why mom has 5 kids......only me behave like a nutjob!?!?!?!OK my siblings are handful too, but they aint as crazy and ups & downs like me. Frankly.....when I am standing outside of that circle, I feel a hint of jealousy. Then some frenz have told me how they feel what they r doing comfort them, a secure job, a stable family......

Why am I not wanting the same thing? What I want absolute love or impossible adoration or romantic success in life & career.......? I live in fairy tale, as I always said.....maybe also ie how I win many frenz, frenz love me....who wudnt luv me when I am kinda silly-ingly dreaming like a lunatic in an adorable way?! I thank for my frenz who see great stuff in me, esp Bruce.....he has been encouraging me, praising me all these years......giving crazy ideas to me and asking me I should do....

How can I not continue to dream on when people want me to achieve impossible? I think.

maybe in many ways, many have their dreams too......and I seem to be indeed like a bird which would indeed try to flip her wings to fly to Mount Everest. Thou....I am afraid of cold, I may never be able to reach the summit, yet however, my frenz know......I wud flip my wings.

hehe,thanks.....dont worry, I will continue to flip flop flip while trying to fake frak fake. :)

Sheung Wan is so growing on me

I think....maybe 5-6 yrs ago, why I wanted to move to SW? 2 reasons....I saw many gay couples and I wanted to live away from my family, as far as possible.

Gay couples? Why?? Well, to me it's like "Fu Shui" thing - somehow I find gay couples tend to be non violent and they are so nice to be looked at. :)))

And of coz SW is quite a busy place during the day and silent place during the nite. If I live in a residential area, I find the noise level and to me the pollution level bad - e.g babies always cry at nite, parents always yell at kids at nite, couples always argue and bang door at night, then, everyone turns on the air-con the highest capacity and U have to turn it on too, as all exhaust gas just compass your flat.

Then, of coz as couple of entries ago, I talked about my stroll in SW - man....I know 1-2 people just by sitting at the cafe. It's nice...I like...as we just talk rubbish anyways. What do you expect to talk on Sun!? World economic or end time? Well, we could too, of coz, but everything becomes so light over a cup of coffee.

Then, my dogs are welcome there, and esp Lottie is like a little human luving everyone, hugging everyone........frankly, half a day away from her makes me moody. So now, my wallpaper on iphone is her face only, pls dont tell my another dog, shadow....hehe.

Then at one of those lanes around cafe, they have floral shop that let you sit out on the streets to do some flower decoration urself, or I passed by a small gallery opening with some youth doing some singing and instrument on the streets. Well, if you do live in HK, you know...it's uncommon for all these happenings. I feel like I have been transported back to Melbourne....

But though, I think this stretch of streets will become too famous, once again - problem in HK, people flood to a location becoz we cool people hang out then we would escape from the overcrowdedness to another surreal place - but I hope this wont happen so soon, maybe another 3-5 yrs time!!?? since surrounding still stand many old short bldgs, developers will take alotta saliva to convince them to move, coz most of these bldgs cud be owned by the owners while running biz downstairs....(hence they cud still survive at this time in HK, this horrible era of.....loss & no found).

Hope....U can enjoy my SW too. At SW....:)

Tears & Blood and I am no idiot

Chinese saying goes, there's blood in every penny we made. OK, usually quoted by older generation. 

At this hour, I feel the same. Just for making that amount - not even enough for me to buy one side of the boots, I feel - there's blood oozed out everywhere. Whereas for tears, I think - I am way better than most people....so I shudnt cry.

Then, somewhere I read or heard from TV lately. Yes shud be Battlestar Galactica - you make the choices and you become the choices. So I made a choice (no, I was forced to) to have my own biz, now I have become my own biz. haha.

Frankly, being alone to do a so-called biz or self-employed isnt easy. And I think I dont have much specific skills - I am not a designer, thou too many (almost 99% of people who first meet me) would think I am one (no matter how glam or shabby I dress). I am not anything....sometimes ie how I feel. I dunno....is it a way god is trying to drain me from something, so I could be more flexible!?!?! (I think of the scene in recent episode of Bones - the corpse juices....kinda they have to drain it before they could examine the "bones")

I am very tired. I indeed feel drained. Just translating a press release is tiring me out - OK I never really work in PR before. haha......but somehow people think I can write such for of coz beauty products. If I count by every word, the few ones I did, I should get maybe 5 times more. But if someone could pay 5 times more, why do they want me? might as well get a pro!?!? :))

So, I am stuck. I am caught in between.

I have many threads of "projects" opened - but none is finalized. I wonder....if I am an idiot!? Seriously....ie what I am thinking. Is it me? or is it luck? OK, well what everything has in common is me....so it must be my problems. But it's hard to accept, coz I am not really that stupid....I pick up things so fast.....I always innovate whatever my hands put into....so what's going on!?!?! I am really tired.

Then people around me keep complaining......I dun understand what people are complaining!!! Have I complained much? As above said, u make the choices and U become the choices, and I believe - we never want to be the choices, then why we choose in the first place!? On a positive note....maybe god just wants to groom me into a real biz person. Yet then I wonder.....if I could be one!?!?!

HK really isnt my place. But I did try to weigh if I should come back there back then - and my conclusion was - it's going to lead me to the same place if I wud be there or here, just the paths could be different. This is my upside and also my downfall. I am too positive.....I believe in 2nd chances......I believe in learning from the paths......

So today, I am tired. I dislike the thing I am translating as the products are so boring....so fucking boring, it bores me out completely! OK, so I am like everyone else, I am complaining. So just may I complain silently.....:)

Beginning of the blog, I was comtemplating committing suicide, then it got better.....then worse.....lately, I just want a silent death. I am not sure if I could see myself through....this drag of exhaustion.....very hard to explain. This exhaustion is not like volcano explosion that one can see, but more like collective bubbles bubbling from hot springs.

That's all for today. Cant say something very positive lately. So be it, let it be......

check

nail done, check!
hair wash, check!
shower done, check!
translate an article, check!
turn off my phone, check!
feeling miserable, check!
feeling happy, also check!
talking to my dogs, check check!
going out, check!
meeting new pple, check!
seeing frenz, check!
just freaking going out, check!
my vegetable, yummy soup....not yet check! Sitting in fridge but make it tonite, ok, will check!

when u cant tell the difference

I think most pple hv it, but I usually cud tell the difference
it's day dreaming & real dreaming
I just had that this morning
but all is so hazy

I think.....I cant remember what I think
guess I was sucked into a vortex of thoughts

I need a good dream tonite
:))

International

AS I said earlier, I am sad N lonely. Every step I take is like dream-walking.
I was at internation, aka ParkNShop. I basically roamed around the whole area 3 times.
Back n forth. Back n forth.
I dunno how I got back....but I made it home.

It's strange. When u got nothing anymore
u dont need to rush home
iphone becomes meaningless
Whatsapp isnt even the most important app anymore

u know....
it's strange. I feel strange.
sometimes, its just nice to know someone is checking on u
i feel safe
now, i dont feel that anymore
except safeless and lonely

Still
have a wonderful weekend. from, me!! :))

Solo

Once, I had a friend sitting across me on my balcony telling me she felt lonely. I could feel her anguish. Loneliness is so holy and shitty. Human is but an island, so we all experience it. Yet, to some, loneliness is a way of life, part of their being and existence. As for my fren, I think, and pray for her that she would find the man who deserves her, while, he would love her no matter what! Adore this beautiful soul.

As for me, I am always fine with loneliness. But once in a while, I just feel I am loneliness flooded. it's too much to bear. 

Well,I will be fine soon but then.....today, I feel I have been rotten with sadness & loneliness. It just cripples my soul.

Everyone, have a loneless weekend. Luv, from me.

A redbull in the morning

I think.....many men think I am high maintenance or hard to please. I dunno....it depends how U keep your consistency. But I have to say I am the easiest....but mind U, I am not the dumbest....if possible, I cud be the smartest gal a guy wud ever date :P

I think to please women is so easy. At least to me, it genuinely is.

To me, when someone sends me a msg at night to say goodnite, even though we are not physically together....maybe forever.........I would still feel it's a goodnite kiss. Or a morning msg to be there with you, to me,....it's like a redbull for the morning.

Easy, yes? Maybe. But many cant be consistent with that. And many men would do that in the beginning of a rp becoz they still hvnt fully got hold of the women....after a while, it drains off. I see it often. Experience it often.

Men, really.....either U never do in the beginning, or else U shud keep doing until u die or she dies. 

but of coz, also, women are demanding...when she gets one msg, she wud then want thousand or even want the men forget abt sending but rushing to their home. something like that. 

I think a healthy love affair is highly based on this give & take, understand without demand and consistency. Women r not that difficult to please, at least most arent. And as for me, I think I am easy to please, but just that all my ex-es use the wrong ways............I can only sleep when I get a gdnite kiss or I can only work when I get a goodmorning hug (metaphors anyways).

Maybe, U can try. Even U r into a rp for forever....but its important to hv loving gesture routines to make the other person feel loved. And as for women, what shud they be consistantly doing for men? Oh well, simple.....give blow jobs constantly. :))

:P

Another nut week on shows

Watched - frankly some I dont even remember. :)

- Kramer vs kramer

- Sophie's choice

- Confession of a dangerous mind

- stranger than fiction

- rewatched Bridget Jones' Diary I & II

- Notting Hill

- The Aura

- Crazy Stupid Love

TV shows -

- Homeland

- Dexter

- Person of Interest

- Merlin

- fringe

- Bones

- Supernatural

- Gossip Girl

- NCIS

- Criminal Minds

- Desperate Housewives

- The vampire diaries

Guyz, U must watch Homeland. I usually hate anything related to serious CIA shows or terrorist related, of coz except 24, as it's so ridiculously crazy that within 24 hrs, U could get killed, revived, then shot, then have sex, then again shoot someone, then meet the president, then save the president..........

This one is as exciting (not as breathless) but equally exciting as the cast is EXCELLLLLENT!!!!!!! Just by watching them looking at the monitor saying "NO" - I was already awed with breathlessness. It's not just the suspense, thrill. care chase or politically correct speech or righteous or idiotic Jack Brauer bravery - just simple huma - flawed, nakedly crazy humans. Just that most of them are working in CIA. hahahahahaha

 

People always say I got nothing to do hence I watch so many shows. Actually - many a time I would trade my sleep.....:)))) And Pls mind U, I dont go out at all....over weekend or so. How could it be? U?? yes, me......I rather stay home N watch my shows 24 hrs..............:))))))))))

Stroll Around Hong Kong

Hong Kong is just a little place and yes we are crammed...crowded....a dense city with many bldgs and people. But sometimes amongst this concrete jungle, we can find a place or two that has a vortex of tranquility to calm your soul, to make you smile a little when you leave. I have found such places. Of coz, besides the secondhand bookshops I talked about few months ago - some hidden cafes or lanes can give you tremendous pleasures.

 

From Sheung Wan MTR, pls check the map - I just know how to get there as I live around here for total of 3-4 years from 2003/4 3 years, until 2011 6 months - Sheung Wan has changed alot, hence I just realized such hidden lanes exist. Anyhow, from hollywood road At Sheung Wan, you will find the upper station street, and you would find to me a pretty damn prettt vintage-ish chinese walkup bldg, which I almost lived there (I wanted to, as it is PINK). And up you walk, you see some old shops - e.g. electrician or some new modern shops like Aesop or even some small galleries with maybe 2 paintings....:) .......OK, whatever I am saying now sound like 30 min walk - no, it was just within 3-5 min stroll, you would capture all these under yr memory. Kinda awesome, dun u think?! U dont get to see such in many other lanes or other parts of the world much such scenes......

Then U walked up further, you would first be greeted by this "Secret Ingredient" shop (I got no idea what they do there, maybe catering) or a goddess (Kun Yin) temple (the red thing):

Then just turn left, you would see some small bldgs, it's just a very short walk - max 5 mins u r done, but amongst there, you could find various small shops, cafes -

Then, check out one of the small lanes - you will find this little cafe Knockbox Coffee that only opens on Sat & Sun from 12:30-6:30 - and from what I gather, all they do is talk. haha....I mean talk about coffee, about making frenz, yet they are very serious about making coffee. I was even told that if you have good coffee beans, you could actually bring there for them to brew. I just tried their iced-dropped coffee which took them 8 hrs to brew and it tasted like whiskey to me - I was abit drunk (tipsy) for a little while. I am sure I will frequent there alot more from now on, as their coffee is indeed pretty good

 And it's a great place to know people who are just strolling and stopping for a cuppa. :))

if by any chance you walk by Soho, sheung wan, hollywood road, I highly recommend you to check it out, and just to feel - how such these few lanes take u away from the craziness of HK life.

 

Caveman theory

One of my ex-es : he said 2 things I agree with him 100%, other things NO, these 2 absolutely. :)

1st is - if science could perfect fertilization without the need of sperms, basically women r going to rule the world, men wud become obsolete.

2nd is - men are just cavemen.

Oh actually, of coz he has the 3rd, men r controlled by your dumbsticks.

OK, well, lately various things occurred that took me to rethink what he once said to me, of coz, I could expound more, he's just being man - keep it short. :) 

I am not a feminist, on the contrary, I find many woman behaviour is dumb and idiotic. I dont wish for women to rule the world - I think, we should get metrosexual men, the real kinds to rule the world.

Metrosexual men could be straight or gay - basically they are 2 in one, Man's mindset & physique with a touch of femininity.  When God created Adam, I am sure he felt it was alrite and he knew all the flaws in his creation - yes e.g. controlled by dumbsticks. In order for not creating - hybrids (I believe at that time, it shud be feasible) of human/animals , maybe a goatman or a snakeman coz all men have a need to shag and somehow to spread the seeds. The action is kinda involuntarily, so I am sure even perfected Adam would have such (flaw) need to use his tool - and later on it became dumbstick. :)))) - partially caveman theory developing now.

And lets now forget about Adam, as Adam already sounded more intelligent or learned. 

While, for cavemen, we would not be talking about bible time 5-7 thousand years ago, but we are talking about Neanderthals or so, and they needed to learn. I think from all the coloring books or maybe even caves - we could see men were supposed to hunt and women were supposed to gather crops + take care of children. So it's very clear why women like shopping - as we were once a gatherer....we gathered crops...:)))) So we gals have all excuses to shop becoz it's jusy inborn thing, ya know.

OK, for cavemen - why men r single minded towards a prey?  Why men r hunters? It's just a gene thing. Hunters need to be precise, as you have a whole family to feed - either killed by the (I believe it used to be gigantic) giant preys or hunt it. I am sure - even back then, men luved challenges, so bigger the better, more difficult to hunt the better.......translated into modern terms. hohoho.....U know what I am getting at by now for sure.

Now, if a woman ignores the man more, the man would be more precise wanting to hunt - as it seems everything is more delicious. OK, this is purely 100% non-metrosexual males. If the prey was near them or was just a tiny rabbit - they would just leave it and think - oh well, we got a chance later. Translated to modern terms???? Bingo....if a woman treats him well, nice, sweet - the more he walks away (I am still referring to 100% non-metrosexual males). 

That brings me to conclude one point and finally I am giving women some credits. I realized....men love to live in regrets (Ok , maybe it's hard to correlate what I have been bullshitting about above but this is my conclusion), while, women  live in the present.

yes, men live in regrets and women live in the present. How many men or even yourself - would find back their ex-es? While how many women would do that? Frankly - when a woman finishes gathering, they move on.....they move onto another crop, if the other crop is much better, they would not turn back to the previous field. While men? It's very strange. Even they may have caught a challenging prey, they would always mesmerize the previous rabbit -shit they wud think, why didnt I catch it as well???!?!?!??!?! 

hehe, it sounds like I am bullshitting about men. Yes it's true. No hard feeling, but some men just make me feel sad.....why they are so ridiculous?!?!?! But guess, as said....it's a gene thing and surely guyz still have the caveman in them. Period. :))

I should delete Facebook

No way.....haha. 

No, sometimes on FB, U see many....nice pictures or good status from people, such as:

1. BABIESSSSSS

2. ENGAGED (yes a good fren golden diamond bachelor just got engaged - unbelievable!!!!)

3. Wedding, upon wedding pictures

4. Tripssssssss

5. Honeymoon tripppssssss

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They make me want to
1. get pregnant

2. Get engaged but first of all I need a single bf 1st

3. Nah, it's OK....I had already

4. need me to expound?

5. ummmm........................it's OK, had also

LOL, no, I did think of having a baby for 2 months sometime ago....dunno why. Just that moment. Now, not really - first U need a dad and a mom, then they need to actively have sex before they could get a chance to let the fertilized egg to clutch onto the uterus wall. So, my wall has just been shed, hence.....this idea has thrown outta window.

And I dont hv a good back, I admire women x 10000 times that they could hold that gigantic belly for 9 months (ok, roughly 5 mths is that heavy).

Then, engaged. Not really also, but seeing people who are like quick sand doing it......I mean the next door pasture or bowl of rice smell better mentality.......i also want engaged. hahahahahaha......I want to feel the freaking heavy diamond ring on my finger or the surprised proposal....so fun. Actually, if that ring isnt real, I dun mind....I just want the thrill.

Honeymoon....do u know that honeymoon is usually not that honey!?!? As far as I know - couples tend to argue more during honeymoon. I think the best honeymoon is - to do nothing and sleep on the beach days and nites then nites and days, gazing the moon with a lemon honey iced on yr lips.

Wedding pics.....?! I want some really funny and stylish ones....if I ever need to take that. But isnt that supposed to leave a prettiest moment of the bride? Well, I got enough pretty pictures so I dont need more. Though - I just need to blow up mine to hang on my walls.

So all in all, I am back to where I am now.

Just blah blah with a tint of jealousy. Thats all.....sometimes hving some jealousy is good, as I am usually pretty cold hearted in that arena.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?!?!

In my case, absence makes the heart grow further. 

Let me explain why both are true.

Fonder - well, if U fraking live together or spend hours a day or see each other like 6 days a week (minimum) and 8 days a week maximum, or sleep like cuddlin kittens every nite, well, yes that applies. Somehow, humans r supposed to be loner or an island - when the skin touches together too much or the aura of physical is too imminent - we human would start to repulse the opposite physical. So yes when it happens, this statement applies.

Further - when the above dont apply, then frankly distance & absence make 2 further. It's not about how much trust or love. We human feed on quality of a good time, the quantity of joyful time. Even though, it usually it's the first 15 seconds or intermittent some 30 second of moments that would leave burning memory, yet this needs time to breed the moment. It doesnt happen instantly. Even at times, we try to bring this to climax, it just doesnt work like that. A seed takes time to grow, let alone 2 people - humans r all so selfishly individualistic. 

I hope I can learn to be a bamboo. Bamboo is a very patient plant. or better still, I want to be a dragon egg as it can wait for 1000 years until it's right time to hatch (OK according to shows like Merlin & Games of Thrones I got such info....hehe). But Bamboo, if U plant a seed, U can never see it grow until 5 years later, as everything first grows underneath - it roots itself firmly and extensively before their boo see the real high sky. I think I have waited long enough for everything to sprout or to shoot.......pewh. It has to come. And I have to explode, shoot up like a rocket (as my teacher said once - I behave like a rocket).

Bamboo and Further = Fonder for myself and myself alone.

Shits & Cantonese Swear Words

I wrote 2 entries today but somehow they got deleted. I am fucking agitated, of coz, on top of other dramas. All fucking hellish. But..........I feel just like my name - Dawn - It's just the darkest hours before sunrise. And......I am waiting for good news next week. Something is going to happen, and I am sure about it.

but today, what made me so fucking upset is......I experienced a pseudo abandonment. Yes pseudo....coz when u never get owned, how could there be abandonment, so everything is just illusion. Then another fraking co-incidence......just drama. OK, as I said before, I am used to it. But, well, sometimes, U just find it weird & kinky. All U can do is to laugh about it - and that reminds me - today my sense of humor is slightly back finally, at least I laughed at my chinese status on Facebook. Yup, trying to write some fucking cantonese status, as at times - it could express "The fuck" word in different formats endorsed with different intensity easier.

Maybe I could try to teach here - I cant say I am perfect, yeh!?

(to write - W) (to pronounce = P)

1. (W&P) Diu = Fuck

2. (W) Diu 7 nei , (P) Diu chuk nei = Fuck U (emphasize with the 7 sound....that;s all I think - super vulgar)

3. (W) Diu 9 nei, (P) Diu gouh nei = Fuck U hard (I think the 9 emphasize something like with a bunch, like fucking u with a bunch)

hehe....sorry, I am not very good at fuck word :P, who believes huh? But it's true....:))

tears falling inwardly into heart

I always love this song and hvnt listened to it for long time. The melancholic sentiment of losing love is....too spot on by Danny Chan, Too bad, he's dead.



眼淚在心裡流　此際　怎麼開口? (tears, falling deep inside my heart. At present, what can I say?)
前事在心裡飄浮　情意　令人太難受 (The past has swum into my hear. Loving sentiments - hard for one to endure)
眼淚在心裡流　請你開一開口(tears, falling deep inside my heart. Plz say something)
隨便一聲或隨便一句 (whatever a sound or phrase - just say something)
算是問候朋友　離別你 (as a hello to a friend. Since leaving you)
自離別你　心痛苦 (since leaving you. the pain inside my heart)
比處死更難受　靈魂已失 (is worse than death sentence. Is more unbearable than death. My soul is lost)
心彷彿死去　心死問誰可救 (My heart seems dead. A dead heart, who can revive it)
眼淚在心裡流　苦痛 (tears, falling deep inside my heart,. Pain)
問你知否?情是內心的交流 (Do you know? The sentiment is communicated through the souls)
轉載來自
惟盼望情愛如舊　眼淚在心裡流 (just wish that the love could remain the same) (tears, falling deep inside my heart)
苦痛問怎麼休? (when will this agony of pain go away?)
琴鍵打開　亦無心奏 (I have no mood to play on the opened paino keyboard)
我現在似木偶　人像木偶 (I am now like a puppet. A person behaving like a puppet)
我人像木偶 (I am like a puppet)
只歎輕輕送走了時候 (I can only give out a slight sigh to farewell the time, the moment)
全忘餓與飽　心中空虛了 (forget hunger or full. Inside my heart, it's all empty)
衣襟淚痕濕透 (my clothes, my sleeves are soaked with tears)
眼淚在心裡流　苦痛 (tears, falling deep inside my heart, The agony of pain)
問你知否? 情是內心的交流(do u even know about it? My agony of pain. Loving sentiment is communicated through soul)
盼心曲再奏　情是內心的交流 (hope our songs will once be played again. Loving sentiment is communicated throiugh souls)
盼心曲再奏

Inferiority complex of HK local chinese

Well, not pinpointing anyone in particular, but on FB - my frenz, my relatives.....

In the street, strangers, old local ladies or men......or teenage boyz & galz - local

THEY ALL YELL - when things are not ok

for e.g. - someone shit in MTR or someone spit on the street or someone eats dog meat, or someone kills someone, or someone sells someone, or someone robs someone, or someone shits in someone's mouth.........

etc etc

They ALL yell - ACT of mainland chinese. I get realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly frustrated when I hear this. Well, pls be fair, man!! U HK locals (incld me) are really that good??!! Let me count..........

1. My mom spit on the street. I remember vividly - as I asked her not to do that....I mean I dun fraking care she spit on the street or toilet.............JUST NEVER FUCKING SPIT in front of ME....I vomit when I hear the sound.

2. We once had the highest concentration of triads. Tell me, where all the gangster movies come from? Inspired by?? yes....inspired by us local dudes, man!

3. Shit in mtr? I saw local moms allowing kids to pee or shit on the street or anywhere if their kids felt like (ok, that was some decades ago, and I believe I DID THAT too.....klakakakaak....my mom asked me too......:P )

4. Not polite? No discipline?? Hey come on......only past 5 years I started seeing people queueing for MTR. I had been pusheddddddddddddddd away so fucking many times for men or women alike.

5. Ok, so if we are so well-educated. Why in MTR or bus, I dont really see people giving seats to pregnant ladies or old people????

6. If see handicapped or mentally challenged people - why run away???

We HK locals are from CHINA, we have chinese blood flowing in our veins. OK, yes mainland chinese are abit backward in their education, but the well-educated ones are going to change the world, and if we local keep this attitude, we wont even have a cut. I mean.....a cut from a gigantic ocean!! I dislike us HK locals....who pretend to be educated but without independant thinking, just follow-suit without any ideas.......the stupid politicans scream at chinese govt, they also do likewise, but why? Oh coz it's chinese govt, they are corrupted..............HEY...........we are also corrupted. If we are so smart or upright, we have already changed this fucking world. Yes, so chinese bribe, americans dont bribe? hahahaha....In a capitalistic world, the corruption is even more wide-spread and vast that no one can be pinpointed to be sentenced to death.

At least once in a while, we get to see few of those food chains get killed under chinese govt.

I again.....have to say....am not a political mindset person. I just prefer things to be fair.....and I hate people badmouthing in general term. OK, I am bad too, as I make it quite clear I am not v fond of americans & sporeans outloudly. Sorry. I dont mean it....but I really dun like most of them. Buttttttttttttttttt I would never say - see americans suck big time as they big mouth & big ass. :))

Sorry, dont hate me. If u have read it here more than once, u are neither a chinese nor american nor european or brit......but U r my fren, U r a human who may be interested in silly stuff like me. :))

Thanks U.

Movies watched....and recommended

Frankly, since I learnt how to use torrents, my world is always torrents. Tdy, I feel like stopping it.....I am totally addicted & obsessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, few movies I watched lately and I find it may worth your time to watch:

1. Horrible Bosses - super fucking funny.

I never really like comedy as I cant really laugh with their jokes all the way, but this movie is the 2nd one I could. The first one was There's something about Mary.

2. Margin Call

Financial thriller - not exactly like the evil Wall Street I or II. But I find it worth watching despite I know squat about finance or stock market. no.1 coz the assembled cast is superb. Kevin Spacey vs Jeremy Iron. Demi Moore is surprisingly good. Of coz my favourite Sylar is there (Zachary Quinto). But the most outstanding actor to me is - Priest in Priest - Paul Bettany. He's awesome!!!! It's a more realistic portrayal of the reality, I feel.

3. Watched few turkish movies and find them to be decent & great.

3.1 Head On

3.2 Love like coincidences

3.3 Climate

Actually, I find turkish language sound very much like korean, also the sentiment seems quite similar as well. I esp like Climate even though it's a super slow movie - the actor was awesome.

4. Cashback

It's a fabulous movie. Funny, witty.

5. OK, about TV series.

This one I always talk about it - But dexter season 6 is super amazing. I mean frankly - the robin hood styled serial killer thingy is getting draggy to me, but this season has new way of "demonstrating" the murdered victim.....I was just in awe. I dont think such crimes or knitted corpses have ever been found like that, but all in all - it was awesome. Must watch....:))

6. Alpha Sy-Fy channel

OK, it's abit like Heroes. However, Heroes should not be made into TV series, rather, they should be a collection of movies, then I think the whole gross will be better, and it wouldnt be ended so abruptly, my thinking. Alpha is more down-to-earth - about a group of superability normal people who dont really have higher goal like maybe Sylar to obtain all talents & power or like Peter wanting to be superman to save the world. Yet Alpha simplicity is quite attractive to me, as you see the characters becoming more mature and realistic...then U start to think, very very likely we do have some alphas walking around us. :))

OK....that's all for now....I watched way too many but since I already did my backup, I couldnt exactly recall which I watched. The sucked ones, I delete so quickly - e.g. Hangover II. I deleted it within a sec....:))

Leather

HK is getting cooler, and I for once cant wait but to get my leather jackets out to let them breathe abit on my balcony. I luv the smell of leather jackets, there's nothing to be more excited for a cooler winter to be able to wear leather jackets & boots all the time. I am yet to have 2-3 more leather jackets to be owned by me.....colors that I am looking for, creamy white, purple & green. I already have red, biker chick blk, some orangey, camel.....yes I need a long one as well. Actually I do have a purple one which is a think layer of leather....now thinking of it, I hope I still have it.

Then boots......I luv boots.............

Sometimes, I like v-neck as can show off my pseduo cleavage but I esp am fond of turtle neck which just hang themselves around my belly button. The length of it is important - it gives another form of sexiness. I mean of coz one cant have too big belly - which...I am semi-big....lol....but with rite pants, it's all fine. And one must have silhouette, which I gotta say - many HK galz dont really have it as they are too obsessed with being skinny. I frankly quite like my silhouette, hehe.....I think maybe more than one man did comment or compare me with greek statue - which are usually not at all skinny. heheheheheh.....while, one did want to turn me into those supergal superhero....so I say to myself, my silhouette must be not that bad!! :))

For some, different seasons have diff obsession. For me, summer only has one - me, and my air-conditioner. Sorry, I really cant say I like water sports that much. Though when I was young, I did.....nowadays, not really, and of coz, somehow some fortune teller or oracles or whatever did keep reminding me not to play w water much.....well, this idea fits me. But actually I do remember when I started having fear of water.....it was at a snorkeling in Thai or M'sia....couldnt recall..........as I was trying to snorkel even at shallow water, as I looked ahead to the ocean (under the ocean), I could sense a chilly force rushing to me (I never was afraid since I learnt swimming at young age by myself, but I am not a terrific swimmer, a manageable one only) - I felt scared so I quickly went back to the dryland......after all these years, I could still feel it.

So, I am so excited and happy that for few months, we dont need to endure the humidity & high tempearture...................but in replacement, we could keep showing off our leather skins....(we r a bunch of brutal humanss......LOLLLLLLLLLLLL) :P sollie

how can I not love more? (posted on Facebook)

How, can I not love my Lottie more than, maybe shadow? yes people would say I have favouritism.




Honestly, taking shadow in was a selfish act as I was missing my collie-BoBo too much, and also when I saw her - I knew she would be put to death by pet shop as no one would take her in at that time - when animal rights were even worse than now. (BoBo-Dog visited me in my dream and told me he became human- ie when I found release after months of his death.) Shadow came along and she was very detached dog - kinda like me, so when I cried, she never really care, except - wanting food & toy.

Now I have a second dog - Lottie - she has brightened up my days & nights simply  - she is opp to me & shadow. She's darling, loving, and she put her mama as her first priority. Not food nor toy. When I cry, she wud sit on my belly looking at me. Of coz both of them luv everyone who visit my home-Lottie always needs to do more to convince pple to luv her, becoz she seems more crazy and active. But once she quiets down, the whole world isnt about food or toys, but about U - me or my frenz. When shadow was sick, she would intentionally walk away from me so shadow could stick ard me. After desex, she didnt even bother to lick her wound which is something a dog wud normally do. She wud always prioritize going out with me to be more important than taking my treats (shadow is always opposite, food first). When she eats, I ask her to stop - she would obediently wait until I say OK without any sneering or anger.

And now I luv her more day after day, as every nite esp, she is like my guardian angel always checking on me. Not that I dun luv shadow, but sometimes I think luv needs to be earned. U couldnt sit there and wait for luv. People, or dogs, or cats could luv u without reasons, but yet U need to earn to make them luv u continuously. It's a realistic world - no one can be dead fish in practice and yet gain everything.

So, no, I luv both of my dogs but I do have my fav, yes Lottie has been my fav since long time, as she makes me feel - being a mom or master has some rewards, has some luv in return not coz I could give her food or make her happy, but simply becoz she just adores me, and she works hard to adore me.

I luv u, Lottie....kisssssss

Last night I had a strangest dream

Hvnt been able to write much nowadays as my mind has been clouded, not by iphone iCloud, but literally clouded. So, as I was running through Youtube, some songs I want to share - from my favourite duo, introduced by my Aunt - who shared with me a loving story how "Bridge over trouble water" came about - I immediately fell in love with them, of coz they have the most amazing voice.

"click at the youtube show - it has lyrics. :)) "

Last night I had the strangest dream

I used to love to sing this, as it sounds so happy. Now, the tune is happy but I am old enough to know - if what they say happens, it means it's the end of the world. :))

Wednesday 3am

I always find this song....abit sad, and I always tell myself I wont kill, I wont steal. :))

Leaves that are green

I love this song too, as it makes me understand another form of melancholy. - TIME.

Flowers never bend with rainfall (REALLY??? - I need to walk around during rainfall....haha)

Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don't know what is real,
I can't touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/flowers+never+bend+with+the+rainfall_20124734.html ]
The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

It's no matter if you're born
To play the King or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

Leaves that are green 

Ancients & random thoughts

I am always interested in ancient civilization, esp the myths about Atlantis or Lemuria. Well, I do believe in Plato. So lately, I have been watching this series Ancient Aliens - I cant say I agree with everything they put on there, but just by seeing all the mysterious ancient megaliths or monuments or civilization - that alone already make me high. I remember my life aim when I was young was to be either be an astronaut or archeologist. 

However, I am disappointed with one of the representatives of the theologians, she said - people at biblical time wrote stuff and we couldnt take it literally, as they used symbols to represent their thinking. Frankly, I totally disagree with her from a bible point of view. If that;'s the case, then she's indirectly admitting that God is not really god but something that they didnt know, so they just put Yewah there for the sake of "symbolising"??!! 

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Frankly seeing mysterious carving into stone signifying a doorway to another plane - frankly it intrigues me. Really??!!?!?!? Who would do such? Except, maybe.....some grain of truth?!?! To me, I believe in stargate actually or vortex or portal, esp wormhole, of coz.

Anyways, going to Peru is a must for me some day, now not confined just machu Piccu. :))

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Then, before I woke up from a dream - just some scattered visions -I came to have an idea how to escape Tsunami, and then if lets say Altantian was indeed highly technological advanced, I assumed they should have what I imagined in my head-glass house shut down upon touching water. hahaahahah.......in my head, the image was pretty cool and awesome and I did see the flood.

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I am thinking of one thing. For me, I dont have much requirement for a lover or something. except, the person I could really fall in love with is basically - I could bullshit anything and he has to love whatever I write. And of coz, he has to be abit odd & crazy so I can love the weirdness & oddity of another polarity too., :))

And the best match of sociopath is actually psychopath. :D

iLaz

Well, I have been attending this chinese name-ology class, which I believe for the beginner grade, it would take me 10 years to complete. OK, let me explain why. I first started off 2-3 classes 3 years back, but I went to China to work so I stopped. Then, since I was back, they never re-opened the class until 2 months ago. Yet, we got 81 numbers to cover, and we are only upto maybe 15, while.....supposedly we go to class every week, yet, in order to meet every classmate or the master, we ended up going to the class maybe 1-2 a month.

Actually, this style suits me. I hate regularity.

OK, back to iLaz. haa. Frankly, I have been lazy with everything. I think things tired me out too much, life has disappointed me alot. Anyways, but the fact is I disappoint myself great deal. Maybe why I had this vision, yet I couldnt accomplish. My teachers once said I was a rocket, either stationary or I shoot up without anyone being to catch me. But....now....I feel I am worse than a bicycle, being ridden by someone who couldnt even ride a bike. just stumbling on.....~~~~~~

And in the class, I am mixed with a bunch of tradional chinese, I shud say HK chinese. I find chinese in mainland they are more open-minded than Hongkies. As I always say, china chinese are more liberal than Hongkies, so we are doomed, when we still think highly of ourselves. I once wanted to revolutionize with my limited wit & ability by maybe influencing one or two people around me.....hahahaha....but frankly, I stop, as I think we are doomed. I mean - hongkies.

This class has around 10+ classmates and most of them have studied quite a bit of chinese astrology or tarots or some sort like that. Well, me no....I am just a reader of stuff or learner of the world. And the way they talk - agitates me a great deal. Some couldnt accept homosexuality, when I wish I could be bisexual, U know. Some couldnt accept that I am not doing what I studied.......and asked if emotion affects my action. Heck, of coz emotion affects my action. I am not a robot. When I said - I think it's fine and I dont have regrets in my choices- they would then follow by saying "a person's biggest mistake is to think they have no problems...................." Then it seems I have turned into a child - as I ask stupid Qs like - why do you believe in tibetian and then wear a thai gods necklace, then practise chi-kung, then...etc etc. isnt it confusing? or I become someone who is ignorant on all these stuff.

truthfully - emotion affects me a great deal, ok, maybe I should take medication. And yes, i think being gay is fine, being bi is even superb but I am not, though I did pray I would, haha...more choices, U see. And yes, I dont observe alotta chinese things - like when someone's gambling, u should never pat someone's shoulder, and even I am studying numbers - I dun even observe much about numbers as I am insensitive to numbers, except the numbers on my iphone clock. I cant even count how many men I slept with, hehe. 

And why I so dislike chinese ways - I luv chinese philosophy, but I mean the dogmatic chinese philosophy (just like - I like the idea of christianity or I should say I like the idea of the bible, and how from OT progresses to NT, but I dont like the dogmatic way some religious people -doctrined everything) - too much reprimand, too much donts. I hate the too much donts.

But, being me - I then think of the lessons why I am in this class (dont get me wrong, I dont hate my classmates - on the contrary I like the dynamic, as I could quietly observe and learn) - I feel it;s a humbling experience. Not becoz they are better - but more, I feel I am better, coz.....I have learnt in my life many things, this past 3 years have torured me - and I learnt the lessons.....so by putting myself into a group of these people - I feel I am humbled further. I should say - reminder of humility - it's not about the outward achievement, but I am more determinded to achieve my own inner nirvana. I am glad - one thing my character will never allow me to conform no matter how tortured I have become - the easiest way is to conform, frankly, but......I just dont have the much genes to do so.

Anyways, this entry isnt an entry to brag about myself, though, as if u follow me or read here sometimes, U know I like to brag anyways. But this entry is for my own reminder - I do have achieve something, but I cant be as eloquent as them, coz I never learnt those things from books or masters, but from myself within & from the world. :DDDD

And one thing I am proud about myself is that I dont mind losing face or even fail.....at times.  And I dared to admit I am wrong and I fail now....isnt it more adult thing? :P

Anyways, have a good weekend everyone. Luvvvvvv Kissess.....

iSad

Frankly, he's most likely the only inventor + entreprenuer + enterprise figure I could name, without saying....ummmm so and so.....umm....whats his name?!?! Steve Jobs....I like him since many years ago when I came across his interviews. Anyhow, I couldnt remember the content, but of coz it spoke to me. The thing is people talk about vision.....aim....dream....yet, when we face challenges, we back off. We allow it to drift....and from an unusual back to normal.

I always like weird. I always like unusual. I dislike normality. I believe.....I am not sure if I am too...stubborn or what.....but weirdness springs creativity. Normality-----ummm....to me equates boredom. Though, if someone could creative something from normal, he's super genius, but I wouldnt be able to identify as I am not ONE.

Somehow.....I think I am going to find back his interviews or so. I think I am in need for some inspiration. I have stopped myself....from evolving, from creating......I think life has tired me out a little. 

Anyways, I think American is in need of some revival. They had a Steve Jobs, but recently - nothing much from there excites the world, except....Iphone 5...which got people upset N mad coz it's not gonna be iphone 5 but 4s. Who can ever do that to the world - not a small section of population (not women upset at LV coz LV isnt making transparent wallet nor Mercedes isnt making 8 wheel drive as promise) - basically.....everyone using iPhone is mad that why there's no iphone 5 yet!!?? :))

Movies Marathorn

Since frenz helping me install the torrent, it's unstoppable. I am downloading as many movies as one can, esp my HD now has 500Gb cap, and it's like disneyland for me now.

Movies watched over 72 hrs:

- bitter moon (excellent)

- ninth gate (soso)

- when harry met sally (rewatched - great)

- the graduate (rewatched - great)

- harry potter last one (sucks)

- the virign suicide (great)

- horrible bosses (hilarious)

- gattaca (ok)

- magnolia (soso)

- eat pray love (boring)

2 movies I hope to talk about, bitter moon & eat pray love.

When I was maybe 15 or 16, I was introduced to this book called Money, Sex & Power, by my teacher. I guess, he wanted me to think since I started discussing about the "abundance of life" and what the heck life is kind of subjects back then. And I always ponder about this subject for many years, then I came to conclude that, I am a power, sex & money person. :D.....so when I heard "eat pray love" -ok, I feel I cant relate to this, this is more woman way ot ranking, yes? Love, pray, love. or pray, eat, love. For me, I got no interest in much of food...so eat is like bottom of the lists. And this movie, makes my libido dies within second. I then realize, when you are too horny, you should watch boring movies - with celebrity starred in it - as U feel it;s wrong U dont watch the whole thing, and...maybe it's me - i feel I should respect PrettyWoman - Julia Roberts & my fav James Franco (coz he reads alot in real life) that I should finish the movie no matter how it kills my libido. SHITS.

Yes I like few quotes though - "ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation". Well, I always enjoy chaos. I always luv vintage. I am always fascinated with ruins, broken architecture.

So, then Bitter Moon. Blew my mind in a way - the way the narration goes by Peter Coyote. It's very erotic. Despite, he definitely isnt my sex subject. And I think to boil down - it's just about co-dependent relationship that we all ., ok, not all, most live in. But face it - we have such kinds of codependence one way or another no matter how we think we are healthy. We are always S&M, frankly, in relationship. Of coz, they are the more played-up, while ours is more toned down. yet, truthfully, ie what we actually live in. So all-in-all, it has become my another favourite movie.