A week with no news and too much news

My ex- husband got married! It's a very weird feeling! On one hand, I always asked him to get married again soon last few yrs when we still kept in touch chatting every few mths! I was hoping he cud b happier, he cud b more excelled in his career! ESP I think his then gf was nice enough to accept out then situation! She must luv him alot!

He's the greatest man I have ever met in my life! He's great to me even I was and yes I have been an asshole always! He's the only one who was patient with me, tolerate with me, being there for me, saw me as who I was, never criticized me even I failed so many things in so many ways!! I think since after him, I have been tortured by karma! I was too young n wasn't willing to appreciate him n appreciate comradeship! Aso my damnest thing was I told him I didn't luv him bloody honestly!

I guess if u wud hv met him now! I wud never let him go but how cud we keep cuda shuda wuda!?

On the other hand yes I do admit I feel upset! Not coz he's married but somewhere in my head I still thought he was mine! Yes v silly but I don't deny my silliness! How cud one give up sb like that!? So yes I m slightly un rightfully upset!

Mayb I wud feel better if I aso hv a man with me, next to me hugging me when I saw their wedding picture on Facebook! But I was alone! While already experiencing a v depressive week!! News w bad news, news with no news! I then look from afar for my current situation! Why wud I dream on!? Believing in things I shudnt believe in! At least for now, let me hv no hope!!

I guess sb once said I might hv some psychic ability n I think this is it!!! Haha I was depressed whole week for aso reasons can't justify my depressive mood! I guess on some level I knew he wud get married but I just wasn't aware or informed! Anyhow....

I will let myself cry n depressed these 2 days for the "best" of sthg that I lost! Yet still sincerely I wish for very best of their life together! I did send him a MSG to congratulate him!

Anyways, just some sharing only!

Double Expresso

It's been second day I am breathing on caffeine. I couldnt have a space to think, then I have been chased from all sides. I remember.....I used to be very aggressive.....very devoted....always cud find ways to solve issues. But this time.....this co.....I feel dead with them.

My head is filling being pounded by all sides.......today, after long time recovery, I feel I want to fork myself with a real sharp fork. OK, sorry....as I repeated, this is my space, I can pollute the world anyhow I want. I dont need anyone to console me.....coz today I indeed feel out of breath. My liver toxin has been rising and I am upset that......things r rushing in like tsunami. Then......I am alone. U know. I am alone during holiday.........I was always OK to be alone, these 2 weeks were bad. 

Managing and handling loneliness and aloneness take long process and time. I did it most of the time but at times, cant I just fucking admit that I couldnt manage and handle anymore????? I dont want Mr A or B or C, tom button or jude carey. I want to be with someone who is out of the world.....haha....maybe who can indeed see me.

OK, OK...I have high expectation but so fucking what!? Why cant I have expectation? Which shit school of thoughts say we shall not expect? Damn ass idiot....I hate this no expectancy thing. Tell me, why U dont kill urslef now, rite now if you dont have hopes or dreams?! Why cant I dream? Why cant I have hopes? 

I seriously seriously need a break. I seriously and humanly benefiting the whole world.....Ineed a break. I need to go away, a trip to breathe fresh air, instead of breathing in expresso. I am like a dead soul who was once thriving!!! Shit, I hate this feeling......I want to stop whining so I can start living. renew my dream, god, renew my soul my souldust. I am gonna be dead from expresso.......

Easter

It's been a while I wrote something happy, but continuously I am abit moody. I just slept my holidays away, work is last thing on my mind and did abit of reflection. And then found my pic at young age and looked into her eyes.....it's kinda weird. I think she was very moody soul as well. And also, I wasnt as ugly as my adult family once said about me....I was lived under the terminology that I aint pretty and I was very stupid comment since....too young. 

Anyways.....then U grow up. U meet guys. They all think I am quite pretty and exceptionally smart, yet then they would replace with various comments.....they kinda haunted me till now. However, as I evaluate myself....I aint like that what they say.....I mean I am alil.....but not in their exaggerating context. For one, he said I used his money. Basically, until now from my re-collection....he used mine more than I used his. Many a time, I gave more than I received, unless he's much richer than me. Thou, I couldnt or I dont bother to defend any longer....if ie his or their impression, let them die with that. I always always believe......when one dies, they would have a moment to count back their regrets. I might not be their regrets but surely my face would come up......hehe, coz I am a nice gal with good heart. If being mis-interpreted, it's beyond my ability or intention to justify.

Then, I think......why people like to trash each other.? Incl me, ok...I trash too much. Dont we un it's a karma circle....at the end of the day, the more we see the "bad things" about the person, the more "we own their bad things"?! Then, lately I concluded that my jealousy gene is actually quite minimal as I tend to believe in greatness in people....always want the best out of them. I am not a great person.....but this is deep inside me wanting to see pple lashing out their best.....it's in me, nothing pretensious.....nothing fake......I guess I felt I had always been under-rated for too long.

Anyhow.....maybe, a lifting up message here.....enjoy urself, believe in yourself, and try to see through a person mask and extract the best out of them. It's very hard if he/she is your another half or gf, bf, bff, etc etc..........yet, if U cud see, U wud find something to fall back in luv with them, maybe; or.....maybe u see a better world out there through them, through their eyes.