Keeping Score for suicidal tendency

It drops from at the very beginning I started the blog 80 to now 40. I think it's a good sign. I started re-arranging my furniture.

I had a feng shui master to check out my place when I first moved in and I am now against all that she advised me. I put the desk at the wrong "feng shui" place now. I reckon, it didnt help when I was putting at the right place, it would be BETTER to put it at the wrong place. I am someone who will mend things that are not even broken yet.

I started swimming, jogging this week. Plus walking my dogs twice. It is a super improvement. Also, I went out during the day to fetch some salad. I think I am on the right path soon.

Yes things are still bothering me. I still couldnt sleep. Like now, I couldnt, it's already 4:42am. If ever I slept before 3 or 4 am, I could always miracalously woken up by my dogs playing poos or having a mock-up drama in my dreams.

I guess, I wont try to change this pattern. I am going to play along with it. Work at wee hours, writing blogs when everyone is sleeping, walking my dogs even streets are deserted.

But, I saw a funny picture when I went out just now. I saw a family carrying a huge "red-white-blue" bag, I think, they are escaping, they are evacuating from their current flat. Who would go with so many luggages at 3am?!!??? Maybe they are actually ghosts!

Collecting Rubbish

Everytime I am trying to clear my desk or home, I always end up throwing away many rubbish bags with many things in them. That makes me wonder why in the first place and right mind - having all those supposedly rubbish lying around me?!?! Am I outta my fucking mind??

I am trying to learn minimalism, but I doubt I could be ever successful in it. Considering - I can only always throw away more rubbish upon rubbish.

To LEO

I am blessed, in my life, with many good friends. I sometimes wonder why they are so steadfast, so kind, so sweet, so loving!!! 

Leo is my very best friend. I honestly dont think anyone could replace him in my life. Good thing, we never dated, hehe. Once and for all to clear all misunderstanding from YOU PEOPLE. 

This blog, as of today, I still havent shown it to anyone yet, except Leo. He gave me the best, constructive comment. As I told him I was abit reluctant to show this to anyone else, as it's abit dark in the content. He just said "I am sure your true friends would love to read it". Together with other things he mentioned, I am abit too shy to say it here, despite I luv bragging. LOL

Anyhows, I want to tell Leo that you have been such a true friend from the 2nd day I knew you (not the first day through the DF4), haha. You have been so supportive throughout these 7 or 8 years (?). You have sat through all my silly teary whinning about my ex, ex, ex........You have heard about all my stupid anger towards humanity such as other frenz, work, etc. You have been my inspiration to move forward. Whenever I think of dying, you are on of the top few that would come to my mind, as I know it would indeed hurt you deeply. Maybe I dont behave like what I am talking above, but you are my family, sometimes even more than that! 

Isnt it lucky for me to have a friend like you? I am so glad that now you are in luv with your dog. We share one more comment trait, amongst others kekkeke things.............:P

Thank you.

Well, I am not yet ready to show this to others. I am not afraid to be judged but I dont want to be misunderstood. My depression phase isnt gone yet, really dont want any things to disrupt my healing process. Sigh, it's gonna take time.


^o^

You cant compare pain

Nough Said. Period.
Dont get it.
Pls wait for another few decades till you drain off all your anti-oxidant in your body, lose all your collagen, finally get rid of all fatty tissues (aka U r DEAD!)
Then re-incarnate to learn about the basic truth AGAIN.
This is the karma you cant kill off this lifetime if U dont fucking get it!

I am going to

I am going to focuz on my diet, my exercise - I AM GOING TO BE SLIM, PERFECT VERY SOON!!

I am going to sleep early - not tonite. I NEED TO BE LESS DEPRESSED!!!!

I am going to work at STARBUCKS, so I spend less on electricity bill.

I am going to walk my dogs at least once a week - THEY WILL HAVE THIER EXERCISE AND I HAVE MINE!!!

I am going to write 3 entries here a week, at least so to MAKE IT INTO A PRACTICE. It's a way to teach my dicipline.

I am going to swim once a week; jog once a week, walk dogs once a week - suppose it's great laaaaa........

I am going to start kow jai.

I am going to finish a book every month. This month is The Alchemist.

I am going to be going to do going to.........

Walking My Dogs

This week, I walked my dogs twice. 

My Lottie is almost 6 month old, I am trying to make her listen to me even not at home.

I always have this pb of controlling dogs or people if we are not kept in the secure place- Home.

E.g. My first dog - BoBo, a Collie. He's the best, most adorable, kindest, sweetest dog ever. He loved me so much. He would follow me everywhere at HOME (only). I went to toilet, he wud wait outside of the bathroom. I studied at my crammed corner, he wud be sleeping under my seat. Whenever I got up, he wud quickly get up just to follow me everywhere, anywhere. 

Yet, he could never obey me once we went out. I still dont know why. He only listened to my sis & dad....O well.

He died almost 10 years ago. I couldnt see him at the end. For this, I was mad with my mom for months. I believed he wanted to see us one last time b4 he drew his last breath. He was trying hard to stay alive, even though time and oxygen were going against him. But from what I was told, he was trying - but my mom was mercilessly letting him die at vet's hand. SHIT. Talking about it make me angry.


I knew about his death weeks after. That made me more mad. My moms said, she was afraid I would be too upset. COME ON! What's the diff??!!! On that night or 30 days later - the effect was the same!


Anyhoos, I thought of him alot since then. I felt very very bad always. Then one day, I had a dream which I believed he gave to me intentionally, from far away in the galaxy. He told me he was fine. He became a human and I gotta not to worry about it anymore. I woke up in tears, but since then I felt relieved. No more guilts.


Sometimes, I believe maybe dogs would love me more than anyone. The only handicap they have is they cant make money, they cant pour tea for me......


Dont you wonder sometimes, why we are all created this way? human or dog.

I LIKE to FORK myself

I came across this late korean supermodel - Kim DAUL. She hanged herself at her Paris apartment. Then realized she had this blog of her own: I like to fork myself.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

I found some similarity between us. Her lonelines, her loss - of coz I wasnt as successful as her at such a young age, 20 yo!! Poor thing, she got lost at 20yo and ended her life.

Oddly, she liked Unbearable Lightness of Being. She felt no landing place on this earth. She was lost. I think she was like me a caged legless bird.

How could I sleep well?

I have insomnia. Or I should say I always sleep at the wrong time, like daybreak.

I try very hard to sleep early, like today, I slept maybe at 1am. Everytime I sleep before 5am, my dogs would do something weird - play with poos or vomit in front of me................I feel so so so so depressed by this. I feel like killing myself as my life is no longer mine. My sleep can never be redeemed. Can I just take medicine that render some sleep??? I wanted to sleep early so I could get up to be more attentive to my work.

I dont know what to do. I cant be positive anymore. I feel like swipped into a blackhole. My breath, my blood, my sweet, my desire, my energy - sucked into it.

Number 23, Old Boy, My tutor friend, Paris-Je T'aime, Eclipse

I am a tv, movie addict.

Number 23 - Initially, it abosrbed my attention as I am a believer of conspiracy theory. However, come to think of that, I suppose when a human is desperate to look for something (maybe correlation, coincidence), we will somehow always manage to find. Ie why I dont believe much in co-incidence.


Jim Carrey is quite good. Not too much trying. He finally looks like a human, even thou, inside he wasnt exactly.

Highly recommended

Old boy - a korean friend recommended me to see this as I mentioned how much I loved the movie-Shiri. I think the actors, the cinematography are fantastic. It was too violent to my flavour though. The script is kinky. I wonder why KR movies always could come up such psychotic plots.

Highly recommended

My tutor friend - arr, it's very boring, I watched this as I wanted to watch back all the Gong Yoo movies, shows. But, not worth to see. So not funny!!!!!

NOT recommended even you are going to die of boredom


Paris, Je T'aime - It's interestingly showing different sides (literally) of Paris. I guess before I would visit Paris again, I would revisit this movie. Since there are many stories within, each catered for maybe few mins each, some of the plots are good, esp the silent ones. However, none left powerful impression on me as yet.

Recommended if you like artsy fartsy or very drama oriented movies

Eclipse - The third installment of Twilight. I think it's the best amongst the 3. But still, the acting sucks at Bella, Edward, Jacob, the main 3 characters, I reckon. But Jasper, Riley characters were more captivating. Sorry to Bella fans, but I feel really really sick everytime she freaking speaks.

Highly recommended if you are looking for action & are in luv with Twi or Edward. :)