I had 2 revelation today. Sorry, listen to me like U r listing to a nut person. But I feel so happy rite now, and I have to say it.
1. I once asked Mr Funny for advice, but he rejected me coz he was tired. haha. He told me, I should go to sleep and have a shower. Dont go shit while thinking, as they will be shitty ideas. Go shower. They will be good ideas. Today......I started to have a fresher idea.....during shower. thanks thanks.
U know how hard it is lately, past 1 month for me to have fresh ideas.........I think I am revived.
2. While watching the movie Last Night, I was awed by Guillaume Canet....by his eyes. This reminds me how much I love to look at people with eyes that can communicate. I remember I once could. At least I felt I could. My eyes have been dead for many years. I looked at the mirror for years, I hated my eyes as they dont talk anymore. I mean....I was not really hating them as much, but more like....I didnt look at them anymore. (that also proves I am not a self-idolizing person...:) ).
OK, GC.....I went on to watch from tudou his earlier movie "Love me if you dare" - yes his eyes again. I luv people who speak through their eyes. Tears r good if U can use tears to communicate emotions....not all kinds of tears r good. Anyways.
Then I look at myself. I have been dead inside for years. I mean, yes, I am still at times inspirational, motivational, challenging, crazy, sentimental, abit intelligent, abit posiitve, abit negative, abit this n that, but all were dead.........I am not sure, but I have this epipphany.
Maybe, just maybe.......the need of what I gotta go through last month - my broken heart.....was a way to revive my soul, to wake her up.....as I feel I lost her.....for long long time. I remember when I used to go to church or even when I was younger......someone would tell me, if I wanted to grow, I first needed to be broken down first - and there's no WAY to turn back. I would never think and jump to the challenge.
In church, the prayer would be - break me and mold me to be the vessel God wants me to be. Tell you, God did answer my prayers and I was.....shattered into pieces. Anyhow....no need dwell here.
Then in life, my high school teacher told me, if I wanted to know "life", I gotta open the door....and this door could never been shut and there was no turning back ever.
Today, there's no such prayers or opening & shutting doors.....rather, there came a need for me to grow up, a need for me to find back my eyes. The radical modification was for my benefit to redeem my eyes.....how could I see when I have been so blinded without soul? Shits................I am so excited. For tomorrow. For next week. For next month. For next year. I hope this thrill isnt just a thrill.....but awakening for me.
And somehow, my lost soul, despite, lost and abit dead before, she was guiding me to read some good books, she was making me feel weak N vulnerable, yet......a string to attach to my life, to my survival instinct............really, if I never felt my heart was broken into pieces....maybe today I wouldnt see I couldnt see. I am going to sleep..........I want to find back my soulful eyes tomorrow. I will look into the mirror....and see them...........hehehehehe
Sorry, I am really so thrilled and excited. Becoz...............I kinda finally recall what I have been lost. It just gave me goosebumps. :P
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