Alone

It's not a bad feeling.
I am though in depression months. It's been at least few months being in a serious state as I really dont know how to solve the problems in front of me. I think maybe I have to give up my messiness and find a job. Maybe I am amount to nothing. I hate this thought.
I am not sure if I am going to share my blog with anyone as this is sometimes too depressing.
Where are my wits?? Where are my strengths??
I think many people may think I miss my ex. To be honest, yes, he's one of my depressing fuel. Why the heck I would waste my 3 years with such a jerk?? I couldnt fathom. This makes me so depressed now, really, depressed now. Maybe I should look onto the bright side, but my energy has used up. I am not sure how to look to the bright side.
All my life, I am just giving excuses over another. If I could use the same motivation of making excuse and channel it to my life, I think I am already a rich woman. Maybe I should have a private jet already. Yes I am an arrogant brat. I like it that way.
But lately I couldnt even bring myself to brag about my nothingness. Shit, I could do so well in it.
My god, what has happened to me? I am so tired. So out of energy. So out of everything. My life is like a breeze that just got blown away by the hurricane. It's so depressing, isnt it?

WHY?

Some said I should write a book. I think I should write five. So, well, 2 days before my bday, maybe I should do something, to write something. I dont know why my friends have such faith in my brain suggesting I should do a book. Maybe I have always been a nutjob.

Abit about myself. I am indeed pretty intelligent. But it's not earth bound, I believe. What does it mean? Hell only knows. I am quite funny. But I was named the stupidest in the family with no sense of communication skills. I am quite pretty. Though, I have no bf now and doesnt seem I could win Miss Hong Kong by any chance.

Honestly, does it matter who a person is? One thing for sure, I love living with my dogs. I dont love them, love them. Basically, I dont love anyone, anything. I just realize recently, I am such a detached almost non-earth human. Horrible, isnt it? No, it's the fact N truth. People just dont dare to admit it.

Shit, I am all about this again. Dare or not dare. Special or not special. Sorry. Yes it sums up about me.

THIRTY-EIGHT!

YES, I am turning 38 in 2 day's time. I never worry much about being old. I never really care about youth vs aged.

But lately I am. Because I want to be crazily, inevitably, uncontrollably, fucking in love.

When you are 18, you never think you will turn 28.
When you are 28, you believe you would be something by 38.
When you are 38, you wonder why you couldnt be 28 again.

I never wanted to turn back the clock. But now, I do. I wish I could have loved once during my 20's. What did I do? I couldnt recall. I just wasted time on non-loving relationship as I was so ignorant or I should say insecure about myself. I hope one day I could dwell more on the topic of insecurity. It happens to everyone, but it;s not a superficial thing. It's a deep-down issue, very likely, you could never dig it through. Ie why this world is full of ignorant, non self-aware beings, as they dont even know there's a pit to dig. But they are the smartest people on earth.

Where as for me, I am stupid in taking the time to dig, yet this is the only way for me to survive.