Believing

It's been a tough last week, I never took so long and still experiencing the roller coaster hairraising thoughts....Really, usually I could settle down within 3 days, but I only allowed myself 1 day usually. 

This time, it's not as easy, guess it's something very alien to me. I can forsee it will take me 10 times more time to get settled down. But it's a good experience, somehow, I realize, I could untab another side of my brain & heart. It's a good learning experience, I have to say, I mean regardless whatever the outcome is going to be.

And I thought before I was fearless, super cool...nah...I am not at all, really. Super uncool. haha. It's good to know that I am not that perfect or mature and I realize I am still but a child inside. GREAT! It gives me some hope so that I will continue to explore the world, the human nature, the inner core.

However, I believe in human, no matter what, has a hint of kindness within. I remember when I was in early 20's, I wrote something like.....no matter how wicked or evil a person is, they can never win LUV. I used Hitler as an example in my writings. & of coz some serial killers too. I feel, even the world thinks he's evil, I strongly believe at some points he was kind, he did have the hint of goodness in him. I dont believe in 100% good or 100% evil. I am a greyish person anyhow. Of coz he's twisted......yet, I still strongly believe when a killer kills, yes the thrill thrill them, BUT I do believe somewhere somehow there must be a kind voice calling out for them...........of coz they could be deafened by the thrill, the excitement....ummm........

For me, I believe in the people I have 99.9% believe in. If I read that person, I know in my heart that he's what I see. So I still have belief, I have hope, and afterall I live in my fairy tale, believing in goodness of poople, believing in the kindness of humans' heart.

Actually, as I mentioned there was a scam last month, what I didnt tell you is that, I wrote that scammer a thank-you email, for teaching me a lesson. hehe....and I hope he would find the joy in continuing in scamming people, if ie what he likes to do. Didnt think it worths me to yell at him or whatever. He doesnt deserve it, but he teaches me one thing - I should believe in my heart and rationale more.

In conclusion, I find these unsettling feelings have given me something, something more precious that I could imagine at this moment, but I believe, yes I BELIEVE, one day I will reap the harvest of being such a diligent student of the universe. :D

Personality Test

Magically, it's almost 90% accurate except the planning ahead thing. :D

You are a NEGOTIATOR / explorer

You are a big thinker. You easily take the large, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and to think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy theorizing.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you tend to intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you sometimes make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend or colleague. And you like to work to improve the world.

You enjoy new ideas and novel experiences. You are flexible, affable and open to adventure. And you admire impulsive, spontaneous people, despite your tendency to plan ahead.

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. And with your skill as a negotiator, you adeptly bring peace to the chaotic world around you. You are a warm, insightful and often exciting companion.

WAS, and now tears can only cry in the heart

Was reading some msg

Was talking on the phone with a fren

Was drinking some white my fren left behind

Was thinking

Was writing

Was emailing

Was begging shadow to eat

Was trying to feed her medicine, 11 types

Was allowing shadow to be a brat.....she refused to eat, until I begged her

(how I begged her? I told her....hey hey dont worry. Mom will find a way to save u. Next year we will move to another place, where we could run around even more. And pls dont worry about money, mom will know what to do. Just EAT and BE STRONG. I will save U....ok? And..........:( she started eating..........it's so weird)

Coz I promised her I wouldnt cry, I wouldnt then. But truthfully, I just wanted to freaking cry....................

So, here's the song to....replace my tears.........fuck....how can he describe how I feel??!! haha

My schedule tomorrow, wake up at 6 (maybe just dont sleep), feed shadow for an hr......then head to my sis place, put down shadow. Get to the HK express, take a flight to BKK. Meeting. Then next day, back to HK at 11pm, go to sis place, pick up shadow. I have such a fear that she would feel I dump her, leave her alone again. She has become another person (I meant dog).....maybe chinese saying old brat is like a childish kid. She's exactly like that. Maybe she's finally protesting to me, hey mom - it's time I get some nice things, your full attention. All my life, I am patient, all my life I have been there, all my life I am loyal & dedicated to you.......now, it's your turn to FULLY taking care of me, heheheheheh, with shadow cheeky grin. 

But my frens, I am blue. I am....crying inside. :(((((((((((((

Just Some Thoughts About Companion

Just 5 mins ago, I kinda review abit of past month. Things happened. I had sweet dreams & nightmares at the same time in a whole month simultaneously. I appreciate 2 friends comments, which are somewhat very different yet useful at the same time for my state. haha, honestly, now whatever I feel or think is already beyond confusion. I either hope for the mutated universe or just plain god intervention.

C said - just deal with the issues and focuz at the stuff. Dont think what it means.

It's a very wise comment. It's something, yes, I should do!

J said - U cant control how U feel or what U think....just let your mind flow.

It's very true at this moment, esp, when I kinda quiet down, letting my dogs sleep peacefully while watching them. I couldnt help it but drift my thoughts to whoever & whatever.

So, I feel, I have been writing alotta bullshits about relationship, about all the shits, how I dont want a r/p,. bla bla blah. Now, I have a new finding. I cant deny I want a companion. I was always delighted to have my dogs, my frenz like Bruce Wayne, C, J....etc, maybe my msn buddies like Mr Funny or some networking frenz.....they can fulfil most parts of my needs. However, having a companion maybe it's different. Someone who no matter what - despite I am a screwup - will find his ways & means to accept. embrace, adore, and of coz LUV me. And of coz in turn I want to do likewise.

I used to have 3 requirement for a man, I couldnt remember what no.3 was. I just remember today.

1. Luv me

2. Understand me

3. Communicate with me

It's so basic, huh!?!?!? Yet, it's more difficult than it sounds. I feel I found it, but somewhat I lost it......nobody's fault, guess it's life. The reality of life. It's very saddening for me, and I couldnt forsee if I could ever get over it, as after so many years, I found someone that I feel match my criteria. I never care about look, wealth, etc.............

Today I want to add one more to the list as this person has given me that, despite it's short time....

4. Laughter

I hope everyone who reads here finds that companion. Maybe you already have, cherish it, as it's so hard in this world to find that person - indeed a yellow needle in haystack. :)

And I hope I would stop my tears, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as it was so difficult for me to cry last 2 years, while I luv crying - it's so soothing. hahahaa.......I feel my crying hasnt stopped is coz I still feel I lost something so precious to me. It's very 1st time I cried for something I lost. It worths remembering. It worths imprinting inside.

Ummm, now I feel better and becoz of shadow, I have found a new meaning to strive on. Ar, no no, I gotta be fair, it's for shadow & lottie. ^^

Thanks whoever reads here. I luv U all. :D

Staying Positive in front of my dogs

Argh, I was abit negative and sulking the whole afternoon.
Oddly, she was super tired and kinda diming in a way.
So I started speaking very positive and told her I wouldnt cry.
And we would be moving to another apartment next year, where surely can allow dogs, so I could take her out anytime to walk....unlike now to hide her in a bag. And we would be doing stuff when she got well. And I asked her not to worry about the money, I would find a way. And guess what, she suddenly seemed less tired, her eyes were more bright, and she was willing to eat some food (as before, she was vomitting all ther meds & food) and drink water on her own. So I told her she's a gd gal when she licked the food......
Tomorrow, I am going to get some meat, try to see which types she likes, just need to use many ways to enhance her appetite.

OK, I wont cry now.....but stay positive for her. Ummm, all saddness should be gone by now. I had enough and surely she has had enough. So....I am gonna make it. I MUST MUST be able to make it. FOR HER.

My Dogs Dogs

Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.

Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.

Yes I could have options.

1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.

2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.

I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!

Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.

Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.

All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................

How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.

I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.

Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................

FIGHT THE BLACKHOLE

"original title - KILL ME KILL ME....NO BKK NO NO NO"

This time, I am gonna do a ladyboy, SCREW IT. hahahahaahahha

SHIT. I AM MISERABLE. 

My dog is sick.

I am LUV sick. or Luv dead.

I DONT WANT TO SEE THOSE FUCKING EUROPEAN ASSHOLES.

I am totally BROKE.

I AM TOTALLY SHIT.

I AM TOTALLY HELL.

I AM TOTALLY DEAD.

A friend, Mr Funny said below to me....kakakakakakaa, why am I always so lucky to meet FUNNY people. As said, we never met, he's the luckiest man alive as he has a beautiful wife and cutest son. I told him I would put it here, but he didnt say its OK, except - he said it was copied from superbs.com.....ie SUPER BS. com. MY GOD................thanks god for making him, so at least at such hysterical moment, I managed to giggle 2 giggles.

BUT can someone pls use a blade, yes a blade, the sharp fucking long blade...............blade, I was more thinking of the.......who the fuck is that black dude in the fucking vampire movie - BLADE..........no no, I want the japanese sword, YES, sword, very sharp double-edged sword..............JUST SLICE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I asked him a question which is a teenage gal Q which I havent asked for years as it's so childish, and believed he would offer very funny answer from his copying of super bs.com

The Q was: "what do you think of me? What kinda person I am?" (I believe he has Mr Funny's special bloody insights"

Mr Funny: 

You are lost.

You are a sadist.

You are negative.

You are sick.

LOL, should I kill myself, Mr Funny?

NOT finished.

you're at the lowest, darkest fucking valley of your life when everything just dont seem to work and there aint no light at the end of the tunnel

oh..sorry

there's no tunnel
 you're in a fucking blackhole, nothingness,void

YES YES, void....nothingness.....blackhole
 I luv blackhole
  
then you'll stay there. and you like inflicting pain to yourself. that gives u a sense of presence in this world…some kind of proof to yourself that you're really there

 LOL x 10 times

R U my worm in my head?
:
 and after all these years
 u had enough. quite enough to a point that
 you will give yourself a breakthru
 you will shine light within the blackhole
shine from within the blackhole and there will be no more blackness.
 

wow............blackole suck in everything woo............

becos you changed your mind, now you will only embrace light, upward trend of your life, things you decided to control and perfect

That means I will be v powerful

Legless Bird, Every reality comes from your mind

You make the change in your mind and the reality will change

HUH?!?! (he has to go to be with his perfect family......so now I am blablah alone)

SO matrix.......

And does he mean visualization? I had few visions lately but it seems they flung. FUCK. I hate it, so rarely I had good visions..................FUCK! DIU! Scheisse!

Frankly, I have been in blackhole. I Luv my blackhole actually.

It's so safe.........and I could suck everything in, hahahaha.

But his analogy........is....good. Call me gallible. I want it.

I want to shine thru the blackhole............................I have tormented myself long enough.

I let go and luved, but then.......it was sucked back into blackhole. Honestly, if it's so freaking easy, I wud hv done it long time ago. So it means........I have to press on.

FIGHT THE BLACK HOLE.

Back to ladyboy and BKK.

ARGH, I dont know to go to meet this french & belgian. I really dont want to see them. So tiring. They blablah all day, then will head to go go bar, then call the fake boobs ladies, we shoot tequila. I touched the fake boobs last time, did I share it here?? hehe............This time I need to order a ladyboy. I want some shock therapy. Maybe I would meet up the old Blue Blood Line frenchie who wants to take me to some castles.....lol............tequila, ie what I need!!! TEQUILA.

O, tequila. A mouse told me somewhere has this best fruity, home-made shots or tequila......he would bring me there.....guess..........now.......it's impossible, as I am too far from the earth, I am at blackhole, hello. hear me, I AM IN THE BLACKHOLE. (my frenz, I assure you, I am not drunk now, but will be in 2 hrs. hahahahahahahaha.) I have become untouchable again. I should re-watch the movie, Blade & untouchable. I got the dvd, hehe.........i never have much attachment to a place or promises ever.....but guess the first attempt to get outta blackhole was a trial.....I need to become self combusted......to ignite the flame? the eternal light fuel.


But now....I am dim again. It was brightened up abit.....after all these years. I smiled, I laughed, I giggled even alone...........man...............SUX! ^^

Sorry......I am natural high as I cleared some part of conscience by doing something......I think I will laylow, laylow on that most important thing of mine. :(

Sigh..............

Begging

Ai......it seems I have to beg shadow to eat her food. I hope she just wants attention, then I am less worried. I have to say plzzzzz, one more bite plzzzz....she would turn her face away from it, then I kept saying plzzzzz, and gave her a kiss and she would touch the food. pewh. I hate the force-feeding procedure, so messy.......

The whole morning, I have been feeding her med, food....observing her if she has fever or vomitting, then need to somehow get her eyes rolling. It's good that she follows me around with her eyes, so at least she's not as "dead meat" as yesterday. She drinks water on her own and she did go to poo alittle, it's a good sign. Then another hr later, I would attempt the 2nd feeding.....today each meal I am going to split into 3 portions.To be frank, the split meals she has been hving = the no of meals I havent been eating.....

Then, I have to take care of Lottie's feeling as well. Hug her, Stroke her, let her sit on my lap. But as nottie as she is, she's well behaved so far....except stole one pill and tried to gulp the food I was feeding shadow. Apart from that, she hasnt tried to fight for attention, it's like she understands that her big sis is ill.

Above all, I have to spend time talking to each of them. E.g. Shadow, you have to get well, plz spend another 5 years with me, if you eat now, maybe you can spend 8 more years with me. OK? Sorry lorh, I didnt hug you as much becoz of Lottie, I wont do that anymore, I will hug you everyday more & more. Then to Lottie, OK, you have been a good gal, mom luv u, just dont bother shadow so much, OK? I luv U 2 equal, okok?

haha, not easy, huh!!??

But I am hopeful. :)

Force-Feed

Well, to be a good mom, you can never forfeit, but U have to force-feed if your kids, in my case, my dog shadow doesnt want to eat. I got no syringe and the drug stores are all close. So I have to cut all chicken into very fine pc, mix with some babyfood to enhance the taste then add in some can food esp for liver, mix it.

Then grab some into my fingers and feed her.....and this is going to be all night process as I dont want her to eat too much at one go that may activate her projectile vomitting. Plus in between, I have to feed her 7 types of medicines..........

I salute mom. U who are a mom, I salute U. U who want to be a mom, I salute U more. hahaha.

My shadow has been with me for over 12 years, and she never needed to be force-fed. She's always good if I feed her medicine, she's still good, just that she has no appetite at all.

She rubbed against the cage at vet coz she stayed overnite for the drip
See! Her nose is hurt now. :((((((((((((((

:(

Good Info if You have a Dog

http://www.vetinfo.com/what-to-do-if-your-sick-dog-wont-eat.html

I feel.

Shooting pain without pain killers.
Universe without stars.
Sun without glare.
Cigarrette wuthout a light.
Heartache without the heart.
Suffocation without the hanging robe.
Thinking without the working brain.
Oozing tears without the eyes.


Frostbite.
Frozen.
Excruciating.

Shadow has been such a good dog. I feel guilty I havnt been a perfect mom to her. If you do say a prayer to God sometimes, pls help me pray that He wont take her away from me now. Plz. Thanks.

Love Actually

I am facing a horrible moment - Shadow is sick and I can't do anything about it and then realize alone again, naturally! Life hasn't been very nice to me despite I have been pressing on relentlessly! Sorry to rage this negativity again but this blog has always been about me and my feelings! Started little less than a year, from a depressive suicidal inclined person to back to the fun happy dawn to now a wounded soul. Faced with so much in such intensity past 2 years, I now pause - and feel I dunno what to do! Do I still have strength and braveness to march on. To be frank, I'm not sure anymore! I hv always been sure even I say I m not sure but this time, I'm not!

So afraid shadow is going to die in my arms! She has been with me thin n thick - she has never abandoned me once! Yet at this moment, I'm totally helpless to help her! I'm such a selfish bitch! I feel guilty!

I hope tomorrow will be better! My heart is sorrowful that I dun think I'll b here for few days! Hope I hv no courage to do silly things! Guess if I vent out here! I got none!! So I picked a movie while hugging shadow - my fav movie - love actually! Everytime I watch it I can go to sleep! N ESP luv the song.....hehe! Ai...life....luv.....

Haha! Have a good weekend!

My life SUX

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Things are going to fucking slow that all my projects seem to be on hold again. I have reached my limit of exercising coolness & patience - I am going to kill myself and drown my dogs in one minute. I hate the situation so bad..............FUCK. I know its going to good. Yet.................WHY the fuck is doing to me????!?!?!??!?!?

Every fucking asshole is delaying everything.............DELAY DELAY

so equal => I HAVE LEFT WITH NOTHING!!!!!!!!

No, I am not killing myself...........I hate it when I am so at the edge of the edge. :(

Everyday, I try to act my cool.........it's really getting impossible.

Can we have more than one "another half"?

From Paul Coelho's book - Brida - on his blog, there's this Q.

Unmm, frankly, I know I need more than many another ONE. I dont understand or accept the another half theory. I mean I do understand.....as "when I was growing up", I was like anyother gal dreaming to find my white knight or prince charming or a perfect man. hehe....no diff from others, so I guess before 16, I was still a normal human. However, I was asked once to write a list of criteria of what kind of man I wanted, I wrote 3 only. Yet, my frenz in the group wrote at least 13 to 30......lol......U know, ie very first time someone outshone me in giving reasons.

Now, after so so so many experiences, I really really dont even think my 3 criteria could be easily accomplished, and for surely my 3 requirement would be the most difficult to achieve than the other 30 ones. 

And before due to lack of specific requirement, I wrote a list of specifics to Bruce Wayne and asked him to check if I met another person. So recently, I re-read my list........my goodness, so idioitc, just like the other 30 criteria. And plus I realized they were too easily attained. hahahahaha............so I kinda felt Id rather keep my 3.

OK, back to topic! I always sidetrack.

The answer is U CAN NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE ANOTHER HALF. Coz there's no half in this world. Yes, U can hv half brain governing emotion, or half brain doing the logic......but to be frank, I dont need another person to complete me, as I am not a HALF. My brain is one, no matter how a scientist or philospher want to dissect it, it's MY BRAIN - ONE.

However, if you are saying I need million ONE to complete me, then I can accept. As I believe also that we have more than one soulmate. I believe that ONE is split into infinity anyhow. Or, Soul. My brain has billion of cells. My body has billion of cells. The universe has billion of stars. The beach has billion of sands. The sea has billion of fish.

And somewhat, human kind is all inter-connected. As mentioned before, we all came from the same core, the difference is on the manifestation, or expression of genes, ONLY.

Shit, what am I talking about, huh!?!?!

kakakaka, I hv been more out of body nowadays.............seems my brain doesnt belong to me any longer. it's time I have to go networking again, just to talk to people, fake smile alittle bit, and say, Hey yo, how U doing? "yea yea, I am good", what hv U been upto? "ummm, same old stuff, U?" arghhhhh......................................................................

Period.

Dawn Says - Men not from Mars, and Women surely not from Venus

As I was replying my comment toYakitori, I realized it was so long, so might as well open another entry. He was saying that I was creating a philosophy. haha.....yes, ie what I did since young. Too much a bullshit yapper. Honestly, I think most writers dont even know what they r talking about. Anyhow, I wanted to say, esp I hate the freaking title - mars men, venus women. I didnt bother to read it of coz, as I was too proud of my own self, to make myself to read it. It's OK U read it. It may hv touched U. Argh, ie the pb.

They touch people so they become rich.

Yes, I am thiking of this formula, thou I suppose it may be hard for me, as I dont want to say something directing to the normal people - which is 90% of them, if not more. U see, only fewer than 10 of you are invited, and only 2 of you are reading my blog........I doubt how I could change the world. hehe

And the % that can influcne the world could very well be less than 0.00000001% (the filthy rich with secret society background). ummm.......... gut feel la.

I sometimes just hope people will look into themselves. The Q&A are all within us & around the nature. As you know I used to go to church, and ie the thing I got frustrated. People, I meant christians, they listen to the sermons, but they never------------read the bible or-----------they just amen whatever the pastors say. Hey, sometimes I do find the pastors are not politically or humanly correct, but just denomination-correct. Amen for what!?!?! Actually the Bible says it very clearly - I mean esp if U r a born-again christians - U have the annointed spirit to guide u. I believe this is a way God is trying to tell the followers that you shouldnt just follow-suit. Of coz, the world consist of 90% population that needs 120% guidance, yet.......somehow, we are given a brain, enough brain cells & juice to synapse.....so I hope people synapse more indeed.

LETS SYNAPSE!!!

hehe, I luv this gospel singer, hv been listening to his songs as well. I dont just know Karaoke songs......:)
Enjoy!

Yo! Bruce Wayne!

Argh, Bruce is my best friend as I already mentioned.

I believe he's the most diligent reader of my blog, and I believe very much that he gets why I keep putting up songs in my blog, I bet he never EVER sees me so song-struck. Ummm, yes I've known him for.....8 years (?). 

Yes, to make it plain. I NEED TO SING K. I WANT TO SING ALL THE SONGS I POSTED.

This is another of my fav, specially luv this singer - Tanya.

I dont believe in "Positive Attitude"

After 2 years of downs, sometimes though rarely Up - I have come to a conclusion. 

Having a positive attitude = BE prepared for the BETTER & Get ready for the WORST.

Unlike the law of attraction or the Book : The Sctrets, by visualizing the positive outcome, U will get what U think of. It seems it wastes too much of my brain cell energy by doing this. The fact is my mind doesnt work at fixating at one issue. And I dont believe in fate, did argue or discuss with some frenz before. I believe in creating your own destiny. Though, somehow, yes fate does affect the course or cause of action/delivery. However, no one ever says FATE offers you ONE path only. I always think if I have to believe in the fact that fate governs me, then Id rather, RIGHT NOW, kill myself - what's the fun & challenge in living my life still, if fate already paves my path. It's upto discussion, but yes this is what I believe.

And I dont buy by saying U have +ve attitude, U get good things. No, I do believe in sending out positive thoughts to the universe, maybe the blackhole somehow, so at least my conscience is clear. I am not saying I wont get what I want if I dont think or think that way. I now start to think it's not how you think, but how you percieve & behave. 

I have been talking to a master - he read my lifeline. But to me, he's not a fortune teller, rather he's like a behavioural scientist to me, as I dont need to explain what I think, he knows how I think.....so it's easy just to ask him to analyse certain moment or situation to him, as I dont need to spend hours to explain my action. He KNOWS, ie how I would approach the situation. Of coz he thinks I am crazy intelligent...actually he used advanced intelligence to describe me. KAKAKAKA, sorry, I brag about me again. Yet, I know what he's talking about, sometimes my mindset, the way I percieve a situation is different from other people, though I may act upon it in similar way..........aiii, I dont know.

I find I have dumbed down recently. I find that summer time I am always more stupid, I dunno why. Is it coz of the excessive metabolic rate? I shud say Spring time to Summer time........my mind activity is super slow. I am not as funny. I am not as versatile. I guess, really, high temp doesnt suit me at all. I belong to leather jacket zone. Maybe I am just a caveman, I need to smell animal skin to strengthen my senses!!

See, I am already sleepy now. YAWNING nonstop.....Summer time SUX for me..........ARGH!!

It's not Cheap Luv.

Never listen to so many songs......seems most songs kinda make me feel something
happy or not..........still kinda intriguing
I feel I have been discovered...............discover another side of me.
That makes me very happy.............NOW, it's time I have to go K, even go alone
which I did it few times, so no one is going to fight the mic with me, hehe

Used to sing this song alot, but only today I get this song. :D



早已忘了想你的滋味是什麼
因為每分每秒都被你佔據在心中
你的一舉一動牽扯在我生活的隙縫
誰能告訴我離開你的我會有多自由

也曾想過躲進別人溫暖的懷中
可是這麼一來就一點意義也沒有
我的高尚情操一直不斷提醒著我
離開你的我不論過多久還是會寂寞

別對我小心翼翼
別讓我看輕你
跟著我勇敢的走下去
別勸我回心轉意
這不是廉價的愛情
看著我對我說真愛我

hahaha

I have been trying to use my iphone voice recorder to sing K....:P
I did dub one song so far
Maybe I will post them here one day..................:P

It actually wastes alotta time to do it..........
time killing!!

For now, I want to share this song with you, even if you are with someone or looking for someone, it's a luvly song. Guess, U r my someone then. Luv.



Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Was Watching Ally Mcbeal and this song came on....really luv it, despite I never had a white Xmas before. But this song is kinda lonely & yet so hopeful too.


(Luv Robert Downey J voice......luv luv luv)

Then made me think of a neurosis of mine.

Yes I am a neurotic person, if not psychotic. Someone called me sociopath, thou I dont think he knows what this word really means - yet in the light of me liking reading up serial killers, yes, it could be a word to describe me. I was listening to this song, I remember how I handled my tears. I used to be a super gigantic crying baby, but last 2 years have made me become.......no tear adult (almost). Recently, heart kinda being softened up, I started crying again.

And for e.g. (I am seriously nuts) before I went to get my result, I was at my ex car crying. We just had a wonderful national park trip in Melb, he asked why the ferk U were crying. I said, U wouldnt understand, coz I believed by shedding ALL my tears, I wouldnt be able to cry if the result was bad. OK, the result was FINE. hehe.......but this is how I managed my disappointment. 

Or with my ex-es, ie how I did too, I cried & cried......when we broke up, I couldnt even squeeze a tear. So I gotta say, why usually my ex-es kept good relationship with me, as I didnt leave them a horrible breakup memory - so somehow they would think I was untouchable. It became a turn-on, yet they didnt know the little secret of how I shed it all. hehe 

O yes, also, when I was applying my 1st job in S'pore hospital, I cried alot too, as I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q the interviewer asked. So I came out, I cried & cried. My ex asked, why the heck you were crying, did she yell at u? I said, No, I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q. But next day, I got the offer.........

LOL..........................in retrospect, maybe my tears would be my luck.

I also remember one time I was flying back to Melb, I was watching Time Cop. I saw how lonely he must be - as he was the only person remembering the present (due to time shift), and his family all was unaware and went about doing their "normal routine" at the time-plane they thought they were in. I felt so identifying to his loneliness and so I started SOBBING on the plane till landed.....lol...crazy huh!?!? But the detoxification of the heavy heart & sad soul was AMAZING. And u know what, few months later I had my 1st bf....

hehe, now I think.....why last 2 years were so shitty coz I wasnt able to have tears. Tears could very well be my lucky charm......so my frenz, if I want to cry, let me cry. 

Ummm, thinking of that, my roomate Ellie - she's the same. She likes to cry too. And many nites, I could hear her sobbing - like a monster, I did think if she would turn into one of those monsters of something coz she sounded horrible....hehe, but we always let each other cry.

And I guess, why pple like sharing saddness or secrets with me, coz I never ask them not to cry. I always just let them.

Nude Body Paint

Ar.....yes, someone asked me to be a "nude model".........for a fren anyways - the body painting kind.
Well. Honestly, I am not thrilled with displaying my flappy tummy to the public, but it was for a charity cause, I started thinking about it....
Then they told me it might be on SCMP with face.............SHIT.........nah nah nah...........
I dont want my 5 min fame due to few reasons:
1. Sex Scandals
2. Nudity pics
3. Sex Tapes

If U may be interested, I can refer you. :)

Bygones!

Nomad

I think I used this in another entry before. But today I am not talking about moving.,  I want to talk about something else.

I suspect a nomad has a heart of detachment,  alienation, positive attitude, daring, being able to adapt.....................................etc. 

Suppose, you give them a shelter, tell them, hey man, U dont have to move anymore. What would happen to them? I think they would feel insecure, to attach to 4 walls. OK, then after few decades, U tell them, hey, sorry, there's no more walls for you, plz start roaming around and be a nomad again. Ummmm...........

Do you think the nomad would be happy? It's not like they forget the skills. I think underneath no matter how "detached", "alienated" a person is, at the end, they want attachment........normal nomad would be attached to the possession. Once sheltered nomad....I suspect......he got too much possession he might not be sure how to pick again which is best for him to roam around......he has become attached to things he may not understand.

I now feel he must be lost. A nomad ie lost must be lost. The feeling of void, the feeling of unskilled, the feeling of emptiness or missing abundance is........killing.

Words that I Like

Momentum
Precipitation

Sublime
Consolidation
Agape

Also,
Secret Society
Paranormal
Vintage

The first few words I used alot in my head when I was in Melbourne. I did well in chemistry so I guess ie why I like precipitation & sublime. Sublime is such a beautiful word, esp U see the compound skip the middle state to become guess, it was awesome. I cudnt exactly recall which though....is it iodine or iodine oxide. Sublime actually gives me a feeling of heaven..........:)

Merits & Strength

Actually I cant tell the difference. To me, I am good at everything. To me I am bad at anything. I dont even know........when someone asks me how good you are, and what are your strength. Do people still ask that? It's so weird. I really want to sum up by saying - Oh yo, man! I am perfection.......ummm....I meant close to anyways.

I find these Qs so boring, U know.....close to cliche. I like presenting myself but not like this way - I luv answering Qs, but seems it seems it's too confined.

can I tell them if flamoyant count as one!!! hahahaha or I am not exactly from plant earth as one?

Shit, I really cant communicate with normal earthy people................anyhows.

Have a good night, good week everyone. I am looking at spending most time with my dog - Lottie. I need to shower her now, then observe her at my new place, make ways for her to move around. But now,  she's SLEEPING again on my clothes.....man, she's too lovey dovey lahhhhhhh......................

"sweet Smile"

It's time to go Karaoke

My goodness, Bruce Wayne incorporated this song in his latest movie and I just couldnt get this song outta my mind.......however nowadays Neway doesnt seem to have this song, which I fucking used to luv to sing, amongst others which are oldies, yet would cause your heart bubbling and legs wiggling.......:D



I could remember the words and I have to say, my singing version is better, despite she's BETTER a singer than me, but seems my version is more.....how to say FUN.....heheheeh

Hopeless Romantic

Well, I once called Edward - the vampire in Twilight Saga.....a hopeless romantic as a guy asked me what the heck was this movie about, guess that really sums up the meaning of the whole movie.

U know, I wud never call myself romantic as it feels ICK, YUCK - but truth be told, I am super romantic. Actually, it's too much. But I dont release this magnetism to everyone. Yet, I think I should really shrink this side of me......I am such an extreme person, I never know how to control the intensity...shit, I am idiot....but ar well, learning fast, early is gd, but to me it's learning abit late I guess. But I dont regret one second of it....it's ME ME ME. ME ME ME! :P Sorry..............too egoistic again. Sigh, ie me, what can I do???????

I really wish I could find back my University journals. I am not sure if you know or not, but I write without thinking. My hands are connected to my cerebral nerve endings, they just synapse synapse.....like lightning. I dont type fast, ie why I always seem to type more making sense than I talk, as my synpasing is faster than typing, so I always have next chunk of words or sentences ready at my handtips.

At the moment, my mind is all scattered, thinking about anything & everything.........I realize when this occurs, I have more typing error. yes I could type in the dark without looking at the keyboard too....:P

Lost Love

When I was very young, I saw pple crying coz they broke up with their bfs or something
And then I had my share of experience
I realize the sad thing isnt the breakup
but the feeling of void and saddness remembering the happy moments
THE HAPPY MOMENTS

Of coz U cud cry coz the guyz are assholes, which I had my shares too
like how stupid I allowed myself to be with him or to trust him

Yet, there's one kind ie the worst
is you actually still luv him and there's no flaw in whatever aspects you see
I am a flaw finder so I detect flaws very easily
Also, esp you so dont hate or in any milli-meter dislike the guy
You still find everything he does adorable, cute, sweet, highly regarded.............

Guess, apply to guyz too
maybe you wouldnt use tears as an outlet
maybe go to a niteclub or get drunk with your frens?! hehe

O well......:)

Rotten

This is how I feel today. Rotten. SO Rotten.
My next dog, I will call her Rotten. hahahahaa............

Tick

•  Bought some household thing. TICK
•  Bought some wine. TICK
•  Moved some furniture. TICK
•  Got the Dog Gate. TICK
•  2 Friends already visited me. TICK. More to come, NOT TICK.
•  Starting to put my files to my cabinet. TICK
•  Sent out CV. TICK
•  Arranged 2 interviews. TICK
•  Not yet taken my dogs back. TICK
•  Not yet got the wardrobe & bookshelf. TICK
•  Await for my housewarming gifts - from C & J. TICK (HEHEHEHEHEHEH)
•  Too many things NOT yet DONE. TICK

Whoever reads this has all the rights to come to my place....TICK TICK TICK

Butterfly feeling

Why they use butterfly feeling? I mean if you are nervous and feel funny in the stomach, it should be called bird feeling or bee feeling - U see, when butterflies flip their wings, actually it's not that "flippy" or "flappy".

Exactly now ie how I feel inside from my heart to stomch. It's so not butterfly but like an eagle flipping its wings grumbling insdie. Or maybe they use butterfly in the vocab coz it's supposed to be short-lived?

Anyways, I just want to scream..............ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

March Update & Scattered Thoughts

I am not sure - if it's this new place, I slept earlier than usual for past 1 week. Or maybe my subconscience is following someone's schedule. I have been up nowadays at 7 or 8am, slept before 1am..........it's good sign!!!

So MORNING BUDDIES & MORNING HONG KONG!

Abit drizzling outside.

Seriously this morning, I am thinking of my friend in Japan. He was very emotional when he called me few weeks ago, of coz it's about the nuclear radiation, etc; yet I hvnt heard from him for 2 weeks. I hope he is ok. I hope he could somehow get a ticket so he cud take a break in HK. 

OK, March gone by without any compassion on my poor soul, literally poor. WorkWise, SHIT - everything slow slow slow, delayed delayed delayed, stopped stopped stopped!!! DogWise - suck but now good, as they are not with me,........hahahahahahaha, like a mom letting her relatives taking care of her kids, I am FREE. I dont get woken up by them for days, yet my dark circles are worse - shit, I am supposed to be tortured, destined to have a tortured soul. LuvWise - Good. Nice. Happy.

You ever think why the heck that old time US series like Ally Mcbeal, Friends, X Files, etc - they just rock your world; the ones nowadays just dont have much substance. Even e.g. Fringe, if they didnt talk about alternate universe, I wouldnt want to watch it. I luv alternate universe, I knew it existed since Primary 3.(I HATE THAT ACTRESS, She's ugly and CANT ACT and most of ALL, NO CHARISMA - CANNOT BE CANNOT BE Sci-Fi chick, plzzzzzz)

Realized 2 of my frenz are preg, I am so excited. I am going to be their godmom even they ask or not. I have been collecting alotta godkids, but god-dog-son is exclusively ONE - CURLY.............Muah.

And this month, I am seriously starting to ponder abit how to start my book, I hope by end Apr, I would make up my decision on which topics. And I beg of you, my subconsious world, give me another soul rocking dream so I would kick my ass N start doing it. I think I will do the sci-fi one, never like easy outlet anyways!

Last but not the least-ly thought, I met a very adorable german dude. He is not afraid to express his feeling, while I believe it's first time ever I could just say what I think without caring the other person's feeling as much. Though, I still think I should shut up more......too many of you have warned me to shut up more and dont speak my mind so nakedly at times. Well, guess I should try..........nah.......yea.........nah........yea......

YAWN by DAWN

POLL

I want to know what book content I should write!

1. My sci-fi based dreams - expanding into various Dawnism theories. The problem is that it's so complicated in terms of structuring the story. But I have to say I luv this the most too, as I got dreams since 14, 15yo - they are wicked, water monsters, end of time, building dissolving like butter with one touch, matrix-like using human as energy source, plus lately glasswinged angel, underwater training......................wowowowowowowow........they r just way too exciting. Of coz, I would use some of Bruce Wayne's dreams too, as his are super WICKED as well - his plots are more detailed scripted. ummm....................

2. Just simply about me. About how I think......what makes an ordinary becomes so extra-ordinary. hehe. Alittle bit of psychoanalysis based on Dawnism too. However, I could easily just extract some entries here N paste together as a book. Hence good thing is - it's FAST.

Poll - (1) is abit epic, takes long time but could easily turn into another Lord of The Rings; (2) I could change the world with Dawnism theories and its fast

Morning Princess

"shy", dont ick me! 

Yes, ie what I have been greeted each day. Smitten?! Yes. Never check my morning greetings as much. You know what! Never like to be called princess. From my new Maus, yes, it's fine.....it's good....it's normal and so not cliche. My frenz advised me to take it slow. Slow? What's slow? Observe more? Observe what? I do things my own ways. Ok, well, he may hurt me or leave me one day, but so....?!?! It's not going to kill me. I just go back to my previous lifestyle. No msg every morning only.

After so many years, I realize it's not about the pace. I tried slow, fast pace before. Usually men pace faster. I pace slower. The ultimate results are the same - if it ends, it ends. Doesnt matter what speed you are on, except the hurt level, I guess ie what people talk about. U know what! I dont feel hurt from my ex-es, except the humiliation they put me in, the non-uniqueness they faked it on me, their deliberate showing me the ugly sides of human kinds...........that hurts, not coz they were my bf, but the failure in showing me some good sides of humans and simple fact of being a genuine human - why is it so hard to be genuine, to be oneself, to be honest......Shit it, just be one!

I am not looking for a forever ever epic luv story. I am not snow white and he or any man is  neither prince charming. I just want to be able to imagine to be seated in a little cottage on an island sipping coffee. This is my vision since maybe 18. Actually, oddly, he somehow could fit into this vision.......haha, yes it's too fast in this picture, but it's nice, so WHY NOT!?!?!

I would care for this new Maus even we are together or not together in the future, as how hard it is to find someone to accept me as who I am, while being able to feel my mood, my thinking before I would share......he will be my friend forever, even not luver forever. This is the simple confession and truth. :)

A Peaceful Sunday....

Finally.

I couldnt get the ticket to Ruby Seven, guess it's a blessing in disguise. Not like I so freaking want some booze or food...........though it would be nice sitting in a corportae box just drinking away.

So I slept.....alot. Without my dogs. Coz I chucked them to my dad's. I realize in my life I luv them so much hence they stress me out the most. I luv my new place as it has some kind of special soul in it, despite upstairs is a church thing coz I heard them playing christian songs - I could remember the drum N guitar melody as I used to be part of such groups....guess they are filipino though.

And there was a topic I wanted to talk about, loneliness vs boredom. But it seems I hvnt got the words in my head yet so, guess I am gonna do it when they come to my head. 

Actually today I am just missing my new bf very much. haha........

What I want.....

As many of you know, I am not planning to have any relationship this year. But guess when it's least expected, something will pop up. 

And I have been asking what I want in a guy, I guess as Mr Big in Sex And the City says (which I repeated it thousand of times of my agreement to this during past 5-6 years) - it's simple, "he makes me laugh" and he has to get me & accept me. And he does, for past few weeks he has been making me smile, laugh all day. We dont see each other much but actually that's kinda nice as well. So we could focuz on our work.

I can say that our first date was filled with all kinda unexpected circumstances - it's like the universe didnt want us to meet.......but the outcome was so much better than I expected. 

And I have to say, so far, he has given me a peaceful mind, restful spirit and smiley face! It's nice sometimes that someone could worry if you are on the way, get on the ferry yet, or just text/call u and say missing you. I mean it's totally different from what I have experienced - emotional unavailable men with no way of getting my twisted thinking. The sweetest thing he said to me today - I know you would be nottie but just behave! (O really?) yes coz this is you and I cant change it. (ok, I wont then!) - reverse psychology in such diplomatic way works on me (not other forms though - I excel in it, man!)

Thanks for being so sweet. I am not sure what's the future or outcome but it doesnt really matter as I feel happy today - that's what matters. :D

Lazimaniac Packing Episode Finale

OK, seriously, I am super lazy in my packing mode. I am looking at my paperwork - that will take me 2 hrs. And I am thinking of my clothes - well, I am not going to even touch them. I will let the movers move them as they are positioned. Yes, except I will cover my bras & panties and stuff with some towel - apart from that, Oh, what the hell. Esp, I never feel this is my home, I never unpack anything actually - yes I got some clothes hung, I got some files, I got many books, but they are all like at the same place. I am going to execute a radical throwing action in another 6 hrs. I only have 30 hrs left. tic toc tic toc. And in btw, I am going to spend maybe 5-6 hrs just trying to clean up my new place. I still have things I should have bought for my new place but I just try to delay everything - I really just want to stay in the balcony there N not doing anything for 4 weeks.

Too many shits again happened to me in March, according to my supreme master, ie my shit month. Anyhow, I am going to be fine...............I AM GOING TO BE FINE.

I am also starting to get freaked out about my dogs too. Argh, why dogs bark??? Why they cant quietly meow. I mean, why do they have to fucking bark!!????? Hope I wont get kicked out from my new place, which is not supposed to have residents or pets..............SHIT, coz of a balcony I am taking such a risk, but seriously who wouldnt, I NEED A BALCONY!

WHAT????

Is he kidding me??? Ar, anyways, I cant say. All good things I tell people always turn out to be bad........so WONT SAY. Except, WHAT!!?? Are you kidding me????? OK, if it comes true, thanks to the universe. And U can be sure I am gonna take alotta pics. :)

Sometimes, it's just the shoulder.....

I didnt hv this for long time. After a farewell party, 2 frenz came to have dinner with me. We had a nice time.  SO we split then one of them stopped me.

Despite I didnt know him for long time, maybe altogether met for 4-5 times, he felt I was tensed and so we just nudged in a dark staircase to chat. It was nice to have someone to spend time with you at wee hour just to see how I was. I didnt know what to tell him, but I just bla bla........at the end, of coz he offered his shoulder but I couldnt cry either. He said, I shouldnt be too tough but the thing is.....I am not trying to be a tough cookie, I just couldnt. Anyhow, the only thing I could remember was before I hopped onto a cab to head home, I could melt myself in his hug, which was......something I hvnt got for long time. A hug of comfort. And it was........really nice.

No no no.............not bf potential. Id rather have more frenz than a stable bf now.

NICE!

:-) or :)

I have been messaging with many men and women all my life. I find it interesting that when they use smile icons, they do slightly different from galz.

Men use :-), galz use :) more often.
Except Bruce Lee, he uses (^^)
I think :-) looks abit more mischievous, while :) looks cuter.

See if you could see this generalization in your life..........^^, :), :D, :p

Memory of that split second

As of this moment, I know what I should do - PACK & PREPARE to move, but I really dont feel like doing anything, except sitting here to think, wearing a princess crown on my head - to think more fairytale-ly.

Sometimes, I wonder why certain things that I put on make me feel like I am a fairy. Interesting. Did I ever say that I liked fairy tale? I esp like Little Mermaid. Maybe it's the songs. Anyhow.

I am thinking - I am doing some thinking of the split seconds of memory. I am quite good at not remembering stuff nowadays, but then when a split moment of memory split by - I could relive that bliss or plight of that moment. The things happened to me lately has destroyed some good part of mine, but it also has grown some constructive side of mine. I am not sure how the effect will be, but I feel it's time I should start writing the book I have been talking about. Some tell me, I shud just start right here right now. I am thinking of the beginning or the prologue. But you know what, screw it, I am going to do it.............I want to capture this split seconds of memories. They are somewhat heavy  happy and heavy sad.

Now, this moment, I really feel like to exhale all my breath so just to suck in the every drop of air around me. Yes, ie how I am feeling right now. It's good, I am going to have a balcony in my new flat, so I could try to walk outta "window" without thinking - should I jump just to breathe in the air I am desiring after. Sadly, I wish I could cry, but I couldnt anymore. I dont know where my tears have gone to. Maybe, as I wish, they were all shed. I once believe that my tears could fill a standard size of swimming pool. haha, now, it's dry......

"My luv, My luv, stay here"

"I am wandering to the desert"

"I am lost in the mirage - and it's crystal clear, how strange!"

"Come back here, My luv My luv"

"Dont go near the mirage. Folklore says, Mirage is a blackhole, dont go near!!"

"It's going to suck you in and you could never come back"

"Stay here, My luv My luv"

"Dont you go near the mirage of blackhole. It's going to suck you in"

"Please, just stay here at where you are"

"The wind is blowing. I cant stand still. I need to walk"

"Dont walk towards it"

"Just stay here"

OK....yes

OK, yes.....maybe coz of my period just arriving 1 hr ago, I have this melancholic moment.
I have no words to explain but I managed to squeeze few drops of tear. It's an improvement, as a previous famous crying baby, I cudnt shed a drop of tear. I am glad I finally actually did.

Pain & Tears

I met a dear friend of mine tonite. I hope she would read it here. What I want to say to her is that - DONT CRY anymore.......be tough facing the nasty people. Be as arrogant & bitchy as you can when you come face the horrible dudes. They just like to prey on the emotional types, so enhance your EQ, be happy at this moment. Dont allow these assholes affect your emotion for more than 12 hrs, ok 24 hrs la for you! You got me, You got your family, You got friends, YOU got YOU. No need shed tears becoz they belittle you. DONT!

(((((HUGZ))))) x 100000000000000 TIMES

I really believe if you could go through this, the repeating pattern will diminish. The universe only allows potential people to go through stuff. Idiots have no need to go through stuff. So how can you be AT ALL useless? :) Luv U. Just stay focuzed. Do what you have to do. Prepare the next step. Find clarity in the midst of mess. 

Thanks for calling me - I am so glad I could be there for you! KISSES.

few nites in a row

Today, I just realize I didnt eat last few days, except a small breakfast.
Like last nite, I wanted to make something but I just got no appetite..................
Universe, just take me away from this misery...........I got no strength to be better, to fight.........
Too many dramas these 2 years, enough is enough
Just kill me now.

Collapse

Sigh, i think it happened.
My world is back to grumbling rockbottom again.
OK, maybe it's time to just.............do something else. Holy SHITS!

Book

Lately I told Mr Pasta that I would want to write a book, no, few books.....about my dreams, or about my research in my head.....or just about me..........

It's very nice that he has been asking me every 2 days if I have started it or not. This brings me to think.....

Sometimes in our lives, we do need someone to remind you how good we are, or what we should do. It's not like we dont know it, but we need that nudge, that push. Today I am under very anxious state, so I have been writing here nonstop. I keep wanting to write so I can keep my mind off it. And maybe I should really start assigning time to write the book I always want to do..........yet I am very greedy as I dont know I should write about my sci-fi dreams or my research. And the easiest way out is ...... to kinda sew some of the pieces here together, dah-dan....here's a book. Arrggghhh, I dunno, maybe I could start another blog for it. I dont think I can write write something - I like writing it here as I feel like I am talking to someone. My mind runs fast when I feel I am talking to people.........

Anyways, I will distract myself now with replying emails and pondering how I should start this book. Yes, guess a new blogspot may be a good idea.....ummm.....ok. :)

Rules

Guyz - treat the galz of your dream or your luver like princess, you will be a KING (stole from a sweet pasta)
Galz - be less princess, your guyz wud treat you like a Queen with respect & romance

Guyz - be consistent
Galz - be less demanding of the consistency

Guyz - message & massage your luver
Galz - less clingy but be proactive

Guyz - spend time with her
Galz - loose the leash, let him have his alone time or guyz nite more

Guyz - understand why women have a leash on u
Galz - understand why guyz need space & freedom

Guyz - crack a joke
Galz - U also crack a joke

Guyz - wear a condom
Galz - always demand a condom

Guyz - just let her cry
Galz - just let him talk and not hate what stupid things he says to comfort u

Guyz - be a man
Galz - be a woman

Danny Chan again.....

This song is my all time favourite, I could memorize the lyrics. I could even sing it at Karaoke. Maybe I should pick up guitar again. I remember Ellie once told me I should sing with guitar - hahaha.....:P 

Inside the song, it talks about "having you, everything is alrite" - and "we could turn into a bird & fish, and we could just be in the infinite sky and ocean", "it is fun even if we fall" - I find the melody always brings me to be submerged into the water, feel the serenity & the clarity of the beauty. Beauty of life, or maybe luv.......

Luv Luv Luv

My gift to you, my good frens, who may have shared the same collective memory of a HK legend. And I want to say I feel U in these lyrics. Coz of you, you have made me so happy! :)

Thanks Bruce Wayne

My Best fren has a secret identity, yes Bruce Wayne. He's a busy man as you know, but,

He always makes me feel I worth Million Bucks, no, I meant Billion Bucks.......hehe.

Someone asked me lately if I got any frenz who know me more than I know myself. Honestly, the answer is No. The most wud be like 70%, I guess. But still, maybe only 30%. I dunno....30% of me, I guess. I am always open to talk about myself but I dont expect people to "know" or understand me. It's abit difficult, isnt it? I dont even spend time to know the person 100% becoz we keep changing, or at least I keep changing......what I want is the mutual understanding of things, of boundaries, and we can share sorrows or happiness, when in times of trauma we are there for each other, when we want to cry, we listen to each other tears.; when we are excited or happy, we genuinely laugh with each other (it's harder than you would think to have someone to be indeed happy with or for you).

Guess if I am upset, the person who knows me best would be not talking to me - just let me be, as I tell you everytime I am the first one to crack a joke to make the moment better. And when I am happy, their eyes sparkle with joy. Ummm, then I can tell I have more than one, actually quite a no of them who "know" me that way. And truthfully. Bruce Wayne is the one who shares most of these moments, not so much now, as we are both very busy - he has his affairs to take care, I have my lifestyle to maintain. But we always talk on emails, share the deep secrets of sadness or joy.........Another person I have to say would be my roomate back in Melb, Ellie Mama, we dont keep in touch much but her love for me......is hard to describe  and of coz vice versa...................

Actually now I want to cry, no actually I am crying now. Some situation has caused me anxiety. It's like I am not sure if there's a tomorrow. Shit, that's how I have been living for the past 2 years.I havent cried for long time but I really feel helpless.

Busy Sats

I was checking my schedule and realize that all my Sats from March till mid Apr have been booked out - Farewell, Mom Big Bday party, Wedding x 2....................

I think I really need to make sure of my weekdays now......weekend will be hard to work with all these fuzz around.

Bored....again

I dont get bored easily but now I am.......becoz I am starting to pack up my place & move to another place, a cheaper one - super lucky me. But I realize people have been giving me so many samples despite I have been giving away every quarter, I still couldnt empty them. I try to be a minimalist, I think I just couldnt be......with my 2 dogs, sis kids' books......yes I am in charge of their education well-being as well. I stopped for few months as I got really stressed out to ensure they get good scores, while their parents are not taking good care of that sector, whereby I couldnt NOT do it, as if they couldnt do well, their mom would punish them......

Punishment being......fine, yes money fine. Or, composition, 2000 words of composition. Then my mom (their grandmom) would be upset they dont do well......the whole things stress me out. Becoz I cannot be there 24 hrs a day, all I could do is to phone tutoring them.

As I am packing up my stuff, I find many of their books, worksheets are with me ....... I kinda have to devote some time to them again. Ie one of the reasons I move away from them, as I want to tutor them exclusively over the phone or skype, instead of running across the street to help them solve their issues (yes they live just across the street).

Well, to some it's little issue........but believe me when U r in my shoes, U just dun get it why U are the one. As for me, I am happy to do it for them as they are the 2 babies I luv the most in this world, yet I am such a loner......I hate to have such committment & responsibilities for something that dont REALLY belong to me. It's kinda....I got no words to explain. I just feel bored at the distraction.......the routinely repeating the vocab, the grammar stuff.....I am not a mother material for sure, but I know I cud be a chic aunt only.....:)

Sigh.....I have been grumbling alot lately, but exclusively here. No one has a earful from me so far, as I am too bored to tell my side of stories.....so if U get bored by my entries lately, come back in 1-2 weeks.....as indeed things are so boring boring............everything is wait wait wait. All my projects are wait wait wait. My new flat is wait wait wait. Arrggghhhhh..................I specially made an appointment with a frenchman who dropped one of the crazy ideas to me - while of coz he liked my suggestion, so I specially made a coffee appointment with him on Tue, as I got so bored that I needed someone to drop more crazy ideas on me. (usually I wouldnt bother with such ideas.....as it's always just talks......)

Arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................I AM BORED.

I should say.....I am fine being alone, I dont get bored being with myself. However, I get so so eaily bored by tedious stuff..........like packing house, like teaching primary kids.........arrghhh....sollie.

Our first stolen cigar & the cupid's arrow

The other nite at a friend's bar, one of the customers ipodded songs from Danny Chan. Took me back to alotta memories. First was how my dad hated him and didnt allow me to listen to his songs, whereby I never fought with my parents when I was young, as it's a survival skill. Next, was the shock he killed himself, which at that time I thought I wanted it too. Then, this song which I actually never listened (since I got less exposure to his songs) reminded me my time in Melbourne, how I was trying to play one of his albums.

And while listening to this song, my friend asked me if I ever been in luv. The truth is never. I dont have this first luv memory - but I dun feel sad, guess in that department I am a virgin. hehe.....

Anyways, enjoy both chinese & english version.

1. English Version

Danny Chan - First Luv

Once upon a dream
When this old world isn't what it seems
My love and I lived inside a smile
The time was nigh
We broke down and we cried
Refriending dragonflies
Lullabyes and funny little rides
We'd spend the night time
Counting countless stars
Choking on our stolen first cigar.
There is no reason , no rhyme
No need of keeping track of time
A life just passing and life just beginning
First love ensnared my mind
Wonderland was waiting
Butterflies went fluttering by
We wore our raincoats standing in the sun
One by one
Good time had just begun
Quite lost in a trance
My love and I lost in loving dance
Turning around and turning again
Never knowing it had to end
There is no future no past
Your first love won't be your last
First love don't last oh no it won't last
But it's worthwhile remembering when 

2. Chinese Version 

中文版     陳百強創作集 --- 初戀
歌曲：初戀主唱：陳百強作曲：陳百強填詞：鄭國江大碟：不再流淚年份：1980
張眼看目前，沒有一些可比那天。
每日與她相見都歡笑
太快樂 我願留住每一天
春季雨綿綿，在那街邊，
讓雨水輕輕濺。
雨水絲絲打我心都甜，
好比愛神的小箭。
情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完 又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。
此際念從前，渡遇多少歡欣昨天。
惱恨愛戀偏偏多變，
這快樂背後藏著了淒酸。
相對再無言，若有交通，
定會傾訴沒完。
兩顆心倘不可以相連，
相見又如不見。
* 情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。  

It's NOT a story

O well, the "friend" I mentioned in my Mutated Universe entry could of coz never get a hand to my blog. I just copy & paste the entry to him. U know what he said - wow, funny story. HUH?! FUNNY...storyyyyyy....??? IT"S NOT A FUCKING STORY. IT"S A WAY OF THINKING.

No wonder I never got the feeling I should let him read here. I dont even want him to be somehow enlightened by my words. To me, it's more insult telling me this, than telling me I look like a man, or call me Mr Birdie. (seriously, when I had short hair, I constantly got mistaken). hehe.

Then, next, I got really turned off if someone called me a princess, which seriously I never had this gene. And fortunately, never been called as well. (I would seriously get mad - U really dont want me to be mad). However, one strange thing is I always got various princesses around me - I am not YOUR boyfriend, STAY AWAY FROM ME. Dont princess on me, plz, women! I tell you the age range sfrom 10 to 60 - yes, ie the range I encounter. But I cant blame them too, they just got it in them......

O well......now, this is a reflection, not a story. My dreams are a story. My detailed description of a day could be a story. This is ALSO not a story.

Sorry, abit frust........

After one month of superactive lifetsyle.....

I suddenly feel abit bumped.
Ummm, yes, it's a guy. Nah, nothing to tell........just abit bumped.

I think women prefer consistency, while men are sporadic.
Ie, why men have spores to spread, women have controlled temp wombs....

Anyhows, no biggies, just abit bumped
it's good to pull me down from the sky at times
I need to be grounded, despite I am a legless birdie.

We are so TINY.

Daily, how many times we complain about this or that around us?! Shitty traffic, horrible passerby........imagine tsunami hit u rite at the moment you were swearing someone. Not worth it. This is not a reflective entry.

I am thinking some of us are so interested in the 2012 Mayan calender, and I am sure this quake is going to spiral to all these spiritual enlightening again. I am excited to see the day of 21Dec2012 too, but I guess we should just live our lives. We are tiny anyways, why do we need to get tinier?

http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/11/japan.quake/index.html

I dont know what I am doing?

My friend whispered to my ears last nite, telling me I wasnt happy and I didnt know what I was doing for my life?!?! HUH???? Hello.....me???? I have transcended, surpassed all understandings, no sorry, MOST understandings......me??? Argh, well...............I guess she was jealous. Honestly, if she could read english, she could have read some of my entries here. I dont talk much anymore, what's the point talking to average brain sized human beings. I dont see the points explaining my views, why I chose certain lifestyle or opt for not getting married to a man who couldnt get his thing up & going, plus with depression? Sorry.......no words from me, speechless. How DARE she compares me with her,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol

Actually, sorry, she isnt my fren. She's my fren's fren but she likes me so much ------she touches me even on a cab,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what's in her right mind? Sorry, I really couldnt be a lesbian. :P

I dont understand why people always want to compare me with them, like "we are the same kind" - ok, I always dare not ask this in a big voice - HOW???????????? BASED ON WHAT??????? We so totally are not similar, yes we are same kind based on my last entry, but.........we manifested differently. COME ON.

But now, in order to make people listen to me, I would always tell them - Yes I am like U, so ie why You should do this instead of that, coz I wouldnt do that, hence You should do this......Cheekie, huh!!??

To be frank, I totally dont get it why people cant live the way they want. Some are idiots, but I think it's blessing for them to be. And the thing is we come in & mess around with them, we are even more idiots, can we save them? rescue them? Who says they are made to be genius?  Just let them be. As my life principle be, dont be judgemental. Actually, I am very judgemental towards myself. Anyhow...........I realize I attain the aura of natural high, not even drugs could replace......hahahaha.....yes I tried something but really I got no feeling (have been stressed) - I wont touch it again as I hate the whole situation........it's totally bullshits why people need to resort to it, I dont see it as a hiding place. I dont understand why they need to mess with it. For me, everything I have been doing is for my research - I should indeed write a book in 2 years time. Frenz, pls mark my word - remind me I should.

Anyways, dont get scared.............I am totally fine. Her words didnt affect me at all, or drugs dont get me liking them at all - on the contrary, finally I tried, I realized I hate it, seriously. :)

Mutated Universe

Someone said to me lately I always used generalization. Actually, I do alotta categorization. My categories or "generalization" are not based on books or folklores, I experience/feel the flow and then analyze the difference, extract the common to come to term my category. I reckon, only 10%, or actually less could stand out to be different, so it's safe to use my category to label certain scenario, certain race, certain human behavior, for me anyways. 

That jumps to, there are always universal truth of certain things. We cant help but be bound by it at times. E.g. We have the gravity. We have the sun in our solar system. We need oxygen. In reality, less metaphysics, we have human behaviour universal truth. They are sometimes beyond your comprehension, yet, as you read Bible stories, they are actually pretty universal. At times, I would wish for a mutated universe intervention, then you have the belief that life could be slightly prettier. That would be sometimes we call "luck".

My friend asked me not to generalize, why? Coz I guess on some level everyone wants to be different. However, as I knew long time ago, we all have the same core, the difference is on the manifestation only. Ie why I dont understand why we dont try to be better, better than the same core. Is it that difficult? For me, I feel on many fragments, I have already surpassed the core, as I have transcended from the basics. However, like a trapped broken leg birdie, I feel I am strangled as well, becoz I am not at all sublimed to another phase, another plane.

Major learning, hopefully if you agree, is to reckon we are all the same, come from same core, wombed/bathed once in that same core (abit matrix theory here) - then you have the power to be different. I guess this is the reverse from what people say nowadays, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. Sorry, I just cant concur with this statement. :)

But all in all, as a universal human being - I gotta say I am VERY UNIQUE. hehe

It always started off like this....

Well, Whenever I have stress, I always have a similar dreamset location - Melbourne. My mind always wanders off there.

Last night, the same, I had a dream of the street I wandered alot when I was there - everytime the place looks different in my dream, this time I wanted to find 3 shops. One would be vintage shop. Another one is always pastry shop - I dont actually go there for pastry, and in reality there was no pastry shop there. Third one, I got no idea what it is and I couldnt remember.........

This time, I was debating in my dream, as usually my dreamset would be different, There was always very elaborate stretch of restaurants - it's not Victoria market, but its a whole stretch of things. So I was telling myself it's a dream, the other one was also a dream. It's good this time I didnt have to be on a tram, as there were always various trams and I gotta walk to the right terminals to take the right tram - in other dreams I always got lost. I rarely got lost with trams when I was in Melb, as I could always felt the rite ones to take.

Too bad the currency is so high, going back there for a visit to my 2nd home wouldnt be at all a bad idea......