I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Was Watching Ally Mcbeal and this song came on....really luv it, despite I never had a white Xmas before. But this song is kinda lonely & yet so hopeful too.


(Luv Robert Downey J voice......luv luv luv)

Then made me think of a neurosis of mine.

Yes I am a neurotic person, if not psychotic. Someone called me sociopath, thou I dont think he knows what this word really means - yet in the light of me liking reading up serial killers, yes, it could be a word to describe me. I was listening to this song, I remember how I handled my tears. I used to be a super gigantic crying baby, but last 2 years have made me become.......no tear adult (almost). Recently, heart kinda being softened up, I started crying again.

And for e.g. (I am seriously nuts) before I went to get my result, I was at my ex car crying. We just had a wonderful national park trip in Melb, he asked why the ferk U were crying. I said, U wouldnt understand, coz I believed by shedding ALL my tears, I wouldnt be able to cry if the result was bad. OK, the result was FINE. hehe.......but this is how I managed my disappointment. 

Or with my ex-es, ie how I did too, I cried & cried......when we broke up, I couldnt even squeeze a tear. So I gotta say, why usually my ex-es kept good relationship with me, as I didnt leave them a horrible breakup memory - so somehow they would think I was untouchable. It became a turn-on, yet they didnt know the little secret of how I shed it all. hehe 

O yes, also, when I was applying my 1st job in S'pore hospital, I cried alot too, as I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q the interviewer asked. So I came out, I cried & cried. My ex asked, why the heck you were crying, did she yell at u? I said, No, I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q. But next day, I got the offer.........

LOL..........................in retrospect, maybe my tears would be my luck.

I also remember one time I was flying back to Melb, I was watching Time Cop. I saw how lonely he must be - as he was the only person remembering the present (due to time shift), and his family all was unaware and went about doing their "normal routine" at the time-plane they thought they were in. I felt so identifying to his loneliness and so I started SOBBING on the plane till landed.....lol...crazy huh!?!? But the detoxification of the heavy heart & sad soul was AMAZING. And u know what, few months later I had my 1st bf....

hehe, now I think.....why last 2 years were so shitty coz I wasnt able to have tears. Tears could very well be my lucky charm......so my frenz, if I want to cry, let me cry. 

Ummm, thinking of that, my roomate Ellie - she's the same. She likes to cry too. And many nites, I could hear her sobbing - like a monster, I did think if she would turn into one of those monsters of something coz she sounded horrible....hehe, but we always let each other cry.

And I guess, why pple like sharing saddness or secrets with me, coz I never ask them not to cry. I always just let them.