Once Upon a Time...

Anyways, what sparked me to write this is a bday comment from a long ago big brother figure I knew him back in Melb, if he didnt remind me (few times) that he still had the bookmark I gave him, I wouldnt remember "that period of me". I always sent very encouraging msg or I should say msg to people viz bookmarks. I had many - I would write some heart-felt msg maybe from my own inspiration or from the bible and give to people. I never really cared if people would keep it, as I then already understood human behavior, they never indeed appreciated sentiment, I still did it, coz it was from me, I wanted to bless the world, I wanted to bless people. I thought I had superpower. hehe.

He said I was still geekie at heart on FB, didnt change. As a matter of fact, he's so right. I really havent changed much. Actually I used to hate this geekiness of me becoz it's so abnormal. Now, I start to appreciate it more. Not that I draw more attention but I feel at ease being "geekie", you know. And I have learnt to keep this geekiness more at bay, not to the whole wide world, as I have learnt through life, to change the world doesnt mean you have to do it to the whole world. If I could influence one person once in a while, in turn this person smiles more or says something nicer to maybe another few people, then the world is better than it already 'was".

And of coz I remember, many times I would go over to his place which was very close to where I lived, which he shared with another dude or 2 (all christians, I think) - I would sleep on his bed demanding attention. haha....I think I would talk non-stop (actually I couldnt remember what I would say). Guess I never had a bigger brother or sister, I really wished I had one ie like him, so sweet & always played with me.....or just kinda spoilt me. Actually, I really looked like a geek with ugly glasses, poor fashion sense, fat....but very adorable....kakakaka...........(unlike me now, so pretty & sophisticated, hehe). Of coz he would know that I had a secret crush on him. hehe....And I gotta say, he was the very first person who lavished me with many spoiling moments, but then he dated some senior gal. I couldnt recall if I was very upset, guess I should, but then it was so familiar that I just didnt bother much...(I think? He needs to confirm it, haha coz I simply couldnt remember). I didnt have many men (maybe 2-3 max) spoling me as I was always so....how to say as others say - TOUGHIE. But when he put it on FB that I should be spoilt BADLY, yea yea.....I find my light. haha

Actually, nowadays, my frens be it men or women spoil me too. I am very touched in many ways. Spoiling is good, it makes one feel so special, in turn I spoil my frenz with attention, if got enough money, maybe presents. Actually in my mind, I always know what I want to spoil my frenz with....wait till I become successful, U will be lavished!

Anyhow.......I gotta say, despite all that I have been through, life has more meaning at this moment, at this day. Though, I am not doing anything different, actually I feel very sleepy right now, I dont do the normal bday thing, I am alone, etc etc......pretty much the same as everyday......I feel so delighted that someone has kept my bookmark. Something just small, yet, now it touches my heart back. :)

Abit Lonely

I tried to clean my house

I tried to do different things

Today

but I kinda feel like crying at this second

Maybe the songs from Muse

somehow, it stirs my heart - maybe it's the piano.

Maybe now, it's night time

The paradox that I am in

(I somehow sound like a schizophrenic person, haha)

I am so 100% OK with being alone or lonely

actually who can be OK with lonely?

I think I am ok with aloneness totally.

However, when there was a split moment of being NOT

that moment was so magical that kinda scared me for life

maybe took a part of my strength to withstand loneliness away

maybe it's a good thing so I dont think I am indeed a superwoman

So I want to cry now

no tears, just abit tearful only, no tears drop though

Just some feeling well-up

maybe it's my bday, but I also dont really care about bday much

but such damn day does make you reflect alittle

Maybe I wish I could miss someone at this day

yet I got no one to miss

Ai, I will be fine tmr....a new day

I always use alotta time to think the day before my bday

as it's the most sacred day for me since it's the last day of this year of age

Moving on to the next year of age is.........I still hv 365 days

I think....my next 365 days will be fabulous

magical

filled with GOOD surprises

I wish you all who read here have all the blessings too. 

LUV

Friendship

As I mentioned many times, I am so blessed with many good frenz, who are genuine and smart. Ie why I like in people. And I did some silly thing, haha, I posted this on FB. actually I really like it as I am not shy about it. But then, people who like me may find me adorable....others may find me crazy. And I think.....I should keep this adorability to myself & people who like me only. I think they would think I am single & lonely. Yea, in some part physically it's true, but emotionally & spiritually, I really dont think so at all. Yes, I do feel lonely at times, but I am used to it, and I dont mind loneliness too - kinda cool at times. I think I am not forced to be alone, I prefer this way most of the time. I did say I wanted a companion - but it's more like....one day in the future. Now, I just want to enjoy my time, look after my dogs, find out more what I can achieve in life, read & study more on some subjects I find intrigued in. I think when I was in my early 20, my frenz already commented that I would be a loner, and it's true. I kinda feel like I am a nomad - moving on & on to another destination - myself, house or even frenz, yet I bring the best parts (of frenz) with me. 

My teacher once said, best & great frenz could (only) be found in high school or when young. I think he meant that when we grow/grew up, it's hard to find good & genuine frenz in this materialistic reality. I always want to tell him he's wrong, actually I got no high school best fren (except one - since she's as weird as me, haha, she wud request me to remove this - I luv UUUUU) and I got more best frenz when I am growing up. or now I am OLD.

However, it's the fact of life that people will drift apart, I think I already could feel few drifted, as I couldnt go out with them as much. Actually, I do feel abit sting, but then also I dont really mind. It's not meant to be then not meant to be. All I concern is to keep the best ones.

My bday wish on FB (deleted from there already)

1. My projects will always get the answer of YES faster => translate into wealth
2. I will find good food more attractive so I wouldnt just eat what I have been eating only => Health 

3. I will have more opportunity to travel so I can see and explore the world much more=> Meeting more people and enhancement of intellect

4. I will understand more riddles of the world and magic of deep thoughts => Wisdom
5. I will hear more good things from family (esp) & friends => Peace
6. More fantastic sex haha => climax and nirvana hehe

Faith, Hope & Love

I like this version better, but online there are different quotes:

"Conscious faith is freedom.
Emotional faith is slavery.
Mechanical faith is madness.
Conscious hope is strength.
Emotional hope is cowardice.
Mechanical hope is sickness.
Conscious love arouses love.
Emotional love arouses the unexpected.
Mechanical love arouses hate."

a CAGED BIRD ADDED:

Conscious Effort brings hope and success
Emotional Effort brings resentment & bitterness (anger)
Mechanical Effort brings tedium & mediocrity

Or alternatively

"Conscious love evokes the same in response. Emotional love evokes the opposite. Physical love depends on type and polarity.
Conscious faith is freedom. Emotional faith is slavery. Mechanical faith is foolishness.
Hope, when bold, is strength. Hope, with doubt, is cowardice. Hope, with fear, is weakness. 

By George Ivanovich Gurdjieff

Guitar & Chicken FEET

I want to THROW up, as I never looked so long at chicken feet pictures. I dont eat chicken feet. Looking at them made me feel like I was into the land of "aliens" as in Alien movie. But, for the project sake, I need to. So YES I want to throw up.........but I need to learn to love the chicken feet look. Holy Moly.

Oh, I want to play classical guitar again. I am not very good with chords, as I never learnt. I just made it up on the way, and I used to like making some songs out of the few chords I knew. I remember my roommate told me when I was in Melb, I should go play & sing (as we were in church group) solo as I sang with emotion. Now, I feel like singing at home re-connecting with my emotion.

I think I was born a storyteller. I am not very good with vocabs, but I know how to use words & emotion with means such as music or expression or writing to bring across or to excite the filament of hearts. At least, I excite myself many times. OK, well.....I am not going to sing to the world, but I want to sing to myself N my dogs.

Now, the question is.....I got no guitar!!! :(

Update June11

OK, I didnt read any books today, it's a good thing. I need to take a break - I think I read more than 5 in a week. Yes, I have addiction problem - I could go on without sleep just doing something. But nowadays, I could control myself better. Somehow, from those writers, I found another world, another me. I am just so excited to see me rekindle in exploration - man, U guyz will have earful. Da Me is gonna pollute the world with all my theories and thoughts and blahhhhhhhh.

And I wrote an email to my Maus. Well, becoz I sent him horrible msg couple of weeks ago or maybe said something bad here. But you know.....I dont think I should pollute someone's mind with negative thoughts, and I shouldnt do that to myself too. I was angry, indeed, but then I could hv stopped it before as well. And he's not an asshole, he has a good heart - just that everything went wrong. So I apologized. And the truth was I examined myself for weeks - was it infatuation? I wanted to believe it was - becoz it's easier for my ego to subside the feeling, but then after several things happening - I think he meant something different to me. I couldnt say what, just different. Maybe we crossed path in another life and we just got to meet this life to complete the cycle. haha, BULLSHITS. :P But I think Universe used him as a vessel to open my eyes for something bigger, yet to come, and I should be grateful for him by being used.....hehe.....so that I could rekindle my interest in pursuing truth, and regain my enthusiasm to expand myself in another level (which, isnt what I had been asking for????)

"God uses loneliness to teach us about living together. Sometimes he uses anger so that we can understand the infinite value of peace. At other times he uses tedium (boredom, routine, mundane), when he wants to show us the importance of adventure and leaving things behind"

My blog has miraculously lasted for a year, which I didnt know I could do it. But I did. And I am proud to say that I have been writing every week, without missing a week so far, no matter I am happy or not. And the idea of writing a book is no longer just talk....I am indeed exploring the possibility. Not now, but someday, yet this idea is growing inside.

Yes, well rgd the haunted. Actually the master said I got THREE male spirits following me, I asked him to remove them....haha, then I thought if it would be possible to be the father, son & spirit? :P...not trying to blasphemy, JUST KIDDING!!!!

My dogs are well. They eat more than me, as usual. I am luving them more & more, esp Lottie, as she's always sitting somewhere near me, just to check if mom is OK or not (even when I go to toilet).

Friends, well, I have to say - I am so so blessed with so many good frenz. Some new, Some old. We dont see each other often, but then we are there for each other. We challenge each other to excel, to be different, at least they challenge me....:) Whilst, I want to say, I luv U all, just because.

I might be working with a german lady and so I wanted to learn some german, first off, I want to get myself interested so I listened to songs. I find some german songs sound like thai songs....anyways the one below is very nice. Actually, this singer Herbert Gronemeyer's wife died, and I think this song was a dedication to her. Luv it. Hope U like too.

Der Weg

THE WAY - English

I can no longer see Don't believe my eyes any more Can hardly believe Feelings all turned around I'm much too lazy To give up Besides it would be too soon Because there's always a way We were bound together Would have died for each other Bent the rain into a bow1 Lent each other our trust We tried to Turn while schussing Nothing was too late But much was too soon We have shoved each other Through all the tides We got sidetracked together Loved desperately We denied the truth The best we could It was a piece of heaven That you exist Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Danced the movie In a silver room From a golden balcony We stood in awe of eternity Helplessly sunken, drunken And everything was allowed Together in time-lapse Midsummer-Night's Dream Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Your confident stride Your true poetry Your serene dignity Your unshakeable grace Your destiny You defied You never betrayed Your plan for happiness Your plan for happiness I'm not leaving here I've extended my stay New time travel Open world I have you safe Inside my soul I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls

Thanksgiving for the Food

Thanks for the sea giving us rain
Thanks for the rain showing us the stream of rivers
Thanks for the river directing us to the earth
Thanks for the earth reflecting the sun
Thanks for the sun leading us to the moon
Thanks for the moon sprouting the seeds
Thanks for the seeds letting us know the winds
Thanks for the winds giving us the hope of Food
Thanks for the food making the miracles known
and hence we the living thing could have a soul

In search of another ME

As I was talking to, yes Mr Pasta, I concluded that - all my life I have been searching for another me. OKOK, sorry, I am so obnoxious. Not just men, but everything - my dogs, my fav writers, my friends. If put it in a nice way, I would say I am trying to gather back all the starseeds or soulmates in one basket, just in case where it's time for rapture, I could just take the basket - save trouble & sweat! haha.

I think, I am too in luv with myself.

What made me start thinking about it - was yesterday - when I picked up a book recommended by the shopman. He told me that if one read Celestine Prophecy - one might read that book (something a monk sold his Ferrai). Anyways, I didnt flip through it but I took it home. I tell you, I flipped (coz it's american writer, I think.....I find american writers very shallow) at the 1st page, I was like..........holy shits, it's not a good book, how come it would be a best seller. The author was so shallow, or I should say maybe he wanted to spread his word, so he gotta dumb down to fit the general public. No....I believe he's shallow. Actually, I was trying to re-read Celestine Prophecy & his tenth insight - I almost fell asleep - so shallow, touch on surface. Anyhow.....it may be something for others, I shouldnt judge, sorry.

Then made me realize one thing - many a time before I got a book, I gotta touch it and have a feel of it. Do I like the title? Do I like the cover? Even both say YES, I would have a feel on the 1st page, if it resonates, I would take it home. E.g. Out of Africa - I bought it as I couldnt forget the first statement - "I had a farm in Africa.....", to me it was so so enchanting (without reasons & prejudice of my innocent youth)

Deviation, Deviate, sorry....in search of another ME.

Well, guess by now U know I really like Paulo Coelho, as I quoted his quotes the most. And through him, I found Kahlil Gibran, that made me more in awe. Both of them, through different passages - made me feel identify with them - basically I identify with their weaknesses, their pathetic moments, and their arrogance. And the language they use - so simple yet so deep. hehe, I am comparing myself with masters, sorry. Becoz, I am in search of another me through writers.

Friends, people asked me what types of people I liked. I always told them - I liked arrogant beings with kindness. I want my frenz to be assholes & bitches in their own endearing ways. I dont like in-between people. I want aggression, I want conflicts (in their own worlds, dont involve me, hehe). just coz, I am in search of another me.

Then boyfriends. Well, last one, I really think he's like me. But He's 3 times OF me........Then the previous ex-es, all have disfunctional families. It's either they dont talk to mom or dad, and they got no best friends. (I believe for women - my advice - always find a guy who has best friends, and he would say it out and then he does talk to his best friends sometimes - it's important for men to turn to his best friends - be it a man or a woman. Dont expect men to come to you ALWAYS). Yes, I am in search of another me through relationships.

I even search from my dogs. I could see them in me, and I in them. Their eyes tell me that. They cheekiness tell me that. Their abit neurosis tell me that. I am in search of another me through pets.

And previously I really didnt think about soulmates, I dont even believe in it. I thought it's a cliche term people created. (also THE ONE- bulllllll). Anyhow, but as I mentioned maybe in another entry 2 months ago, I believe each person has more than one soulmate. Hence,

Lets indulge in the notion with me, ifthere's a possibility to re-incarnate.

If soulmate is like a cell - they would mitosis its way through eternity, then, we could deduce that after thousand (if not billion of years of manifestation) years, we should have accumulated more than one soulmate, and then our cluster of soulmates should have some kind of inter-linkage as well. 

Maybe ie why, I am not fanatic about finding my luv soulmate, as I know I am enjoying quite a handful in my life right now, whether we know it or not.

My brainwave has drained off. I dunno what I am talking, as many a time I type faster than I think.

So just leave it now, and head to bed. Hope you will enjoy your moments.............as I am starting to learn to enjoy MINE.

When it CUMs, U shall not stop it

I am not talking about orgasm, but it applies, as it doesnt cum often for most, hehe. 

I am referring to inspiration & thoughts.

Actually, when I turned on my 2.5 year small netbook, I couldnt even know what I actually wanted to say. Shits, signs of old age, I guess. Thoughts FLUMMMM by without a trace.

OK, today Mr Pasta cum to my place. It was nice. hehe

Anyways, we were talking about Mr Dude. And I told him, actually he told me many times, NEVER TRUST A MAN. Well, I heed his advice diligently, as best as I could lie to myself. But, honestly, Mr Dude told me couples of weeks ago that "he couldnt forget about me and he kept thinking of me".

Arghjhjh....does he know who he's dealing with? 

Me!!! Plz.

When he said that, all my passion drained.

To be frank, all humans r the same. It doesnt matter U r a man or a woman. It applies to same logic with slight deviation. When he said that, I knew it was the end. The logic doesnt even fit into my outerspacey universe, despite I am pretty flexible to most notions. 

Lets do a statistic analysis. It's just mathematics.

If someone misses you, but one is busy, tired, caught up, travelling on a plane, blahblah, etc etc..............................................................lets say, sending a msg, an email. leaving a voicemail takes how long? I know, less than 10 sec, as I msg , msn, email too much.

Assume, in one day, you were allowed 10 times of 10 seconds (ie what? fucking less than 2 mins), 7 days passed by , less than 14 mins. OK, if I got nothing, how could one lie to oneself saying all these bullshits? It's not even a man's gesture, it's like a stupid immature baby gesture who just dont fucking know what it means to be a normal human being. But I forgive YOU.

Honestly, I think sometimes humans r so silly. Men say they r simple, honestly, as I mentioned above, it's very complicated (hahahaha), indeed. Just be honest, then it becomes simple. When it involves some lying gesture or uncertain confession, it becomes complicated. It complicates your life.

So I have a new found respect for women who genuinely want to get married. I used to "mock at" them, but they are indeed pursuing what they want in life, despite what other added qualities they want from a man or what else assets they hope to obtain. They are just honest at what they want.

And I gotta tell you who have the chance to read here - really be honest with yourself. If U r a man, dont mock women for being complicated (whilst men being simple).....NAH. You make us complicated with your simple & dishonest info. We have all the while been honest with what we want. 

We want sex, we go N get it.

We want a husband, we go N confess about it.

We want to sleep, we dont care if the world is going to fall, we go N sleep.

We want a Chanel, we would find our devious way to get it.

I hereby conclude, women r simple. 

hehe :P

Watching Lottie

Lottie is indeed nottie
as she's jumpie
but within my heart, I know she's just a babie

Watching her sleep, I feel peaceful and calmie

Lottie is so nottie
She's just so friendly
She's just coz  a babie
for the rest of her life

Watching her sulk, make me wearie

Lottie is just Lottie
She's who she is
all her heart consume with just mommie

Watching Lottie, I want to tell her mommie is just sleepie

Go to sleep Lottie
in peace
you are always my babie

My Lottie

Angel & Demon

As I always say, I believe in fairies and fairy tales. I luv the cartoon - Little Mermaid the most, as I repeat thousand of times. Recently, I started on another search - spiritual aspects and practices. 

I have been reading alot of paranormal, ancient civilization materials, as I am really intrigued by the "past", ie why my first goal when I was maybe 10 was to be an archeologist. I wanted to discover, uncover the truth or mystery....and I even envisioned that by the time now, we could actually travel to the past like Back to the Future. I think, I was 8 or 7 - I already had a theory in my head (something like Back to the Future movie). Moments exist within moments. We could co-exist at the same moment. Ie why we would have Deja Vu. I believe it's some sort of spring theory in chaos moments, like one in thousandth second before in another dimension, I just erased the previous word and started making this sentence. Anyhow, I dunno, I never then further explore, but it rooted deeply in my head of my theory - so ie why I always spaced out hence my whole family thought and still think I am an idiot. hehe

After 2.5 yrs of my state, I finally picked up myself to want to learn something new. So, I just said a prayer of some sort, not even really meaning it, but more like a trade. "OK, if you give me this, I will go further in the search. But you have to show me HOW"  And somehow, words came to mind, and materials fell on my laps, next would be everytime I asked a question, some material would show up and answer me in its specific way (similar experience when I joined the church back in Melb......). But this time, I was taking it easy, wasnt like before, zeal without knowledge, on fire without extinguisher. The experience is so familiar that makes me become even more cautious to a moment of feeling awe with a touch of sacredness in it. 

The magic of click and realization is amazing.....:)

Anyhow, below is one example. I was thinking to myself - well, I know my demons. Actually, I met some before....more like spirits. And I hvnt known my guardian angels yet, so I was thinking since yesterday - ummm.....do they exist?

By Paulo Coelho
Knowing how to ask for help
When he suffers some injustice, a warrior generally seeks to remain alone – so as not to show his pain to others.

This behavior is both good and bad at the same time.

It is one thing to allow your heart to gradually cure its own wounds. Another is to remain in deep meditation every day, afraid of appearing to be weak.

Within each of us there is an angel and a demon, and their voices are very similar. Faced with a difficulty, the demon nourishes solitary conversation, by showing us how vulnerable we are. The angel makes us reflect on our attitudes, and sometimes uses someone else’s tongue to manifest itself.

A warrior balances loneliness and dependency, with the help of others."

Not commenting if I agree with him or not, but it makes me very thankful - I have both. This is what I went through past 2 years - solitude with reflection of attitude. I think people tend to grumble about their misfortune, yet, many a time - it's a time to indeed reflect on the attitude. And it's a LUCK indeed if one could experience both and understand - so next time we can do better. Yet, I am just so thrilled that somehow I know I have them, but I am yet to encounter them face to face and to differentiate their voices. 

I am starting to pray that I will meet them and tell them apart. Despite, I believe in fairies, I never thought there were guardian angels - as I never felt I was protected. But.....now.....all is good. all is fine. ^^

Reckless

I know why I am adorable, yet it's always a curse and blessing. Well, I would opt to see it as blessing in disguise. Someone, Mr Hungry, told me that recklessness is one thing that he adores. And the thing is........most men find me funny or adorable or interesting......it;s coz indeed I am reckless. I have endless topics that I could indulge a guy with, from sex, to paranormal, to spiritual, to technology, to science, to gals, to guyz, to comics (yes I know who Frank Muller is, and I luv alternate universe btw captain america and....someone else, is it superman?!, or to religion, to movie, to bands, to TV, to....life&death......So I am pretty aimless in my discussion....becoz I know everything a little bit, it's a blessing, coz I am like a can opener. But I am never the spoon..........

I have finally learnt to accept, this is me. I did accept it, but someone along the way kinda murk my knowing. I just have to blame myself of being swayed. But anyhow. this is me.....and without a shortlived butterfly like me (as I actually told my boss off once), you wouldnt hv ENOUGH color to fill this earth. And as a matter of fact, pretty butterflies are extinguishing, so pls - dont take my recklessness for granted. It's short lived, but it's rare. :)

I dunno why, today, really I am so enthusiastic for something to come. And I got no idea what........I just know.........

To my sweetest fren - Miss PuppyDoll

Actually I have known her since maybe almost 10 years ago...that was very brief. However, the universe always brings the best & sweetest person across my path to show me...that this world is beautiful. Yes, we met again almost 1.5 yr ago, at a very random concert - Muse (I am not fanatic for music - I didnt even know more than 2 songs of Muse then, I was following a muse to a Muse concert only). Then we just clicked at that moment. Strangely, when I met her 10 yrs back, I knew we SHOULD be friends. But somehow, I also knew it wasnt the moment. And somehow.....after so many yrs, I almost forgot all about it, even she was on my FB - and yes now we have become close frenz. hoho....god works in miraculous means & ways that we cant fathom at times.

I think, sometimes some of us look like lost souls, searching high & low, and we would question ourselves if we are outta our fucking minds, as we look, observe the world around us. People come in & out without knowing. Yet, we question why we have to KNOW. Maybe, somewhere in our little inner voice - we wish to be zombie, at least I am....I always want to be one. Can kill without feeling, so nice. So powerful. haha.

But I want to tell my fren that she's going to be OK. I know. I dont know about everyone, but I know about HER. She's going to be fine. Yes U r going to be fine. Your vision at 16, it will be realized. I am not talking to encourage her, YOU. no, I just know it's going to happen.

So whatever that's happening, u just need to let it go a while, feel it. Move on. And u will find the oasis. or spring....or a tree for shelter. :)

(HUGZ)

Thanks so much also for being such a support past few months when I was in despair. I am always here for YOU too. ^^

LUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Looking for Miracles....

To be very frank, whatever I am going through, to me, it's already beyond me to tackle, but so, I am waiting for miracles. I should say, I am working on the miracles....with supreme power. Right now. But as I look at the sky out from my balcony - gosh, what a beautiful day. So pretty. I rarely see the sun, even I was born in the morning, I luv the nite since very little......but I also luv to look at clouds. I saw few real fish clouds with scales on the sky when I was maybe 6 or 7 yo. They were alive - I remember they were breathing. Not kidding......my sis saw that too.

Sky-Cloud Submarine

Guess somehow miracles are making their way to me, becoz, if not, I wouldnt notice the sky. It's been long long time I looked up.

Euphoric

OK, dont want to dwell too much on which books I read, I could only say I read few books within few days. And the books I picked, some were with me for some time but I couldnt bring myself to read through them. Anyways, maybe someday, I could psychoanalyse myself on this topic, but not today.

After frantically reading, I can tell you, I feel calmly euphoric to a point that I feel I am HEALED. The saddness & depression I felt for past 3 months have slipped through my fingers.............as I was flipping each page or stroking iphone screen.

Some of the questions I have been questioning about god & myself, have found its way to shoot through the pages, which, I suppose maybe the authors didnt know that would cause such effects to the readers, or maybe it was intentional....anyhow, it doesnt matter, the point is, I am FINE.

I am going to stop reading after today....I mean, less intensive. It's enough info for my Limitless to grow for a while. Next is, I am going to start reading Poems and The Dead Sea Scroll - slowly. Maybe take in few verses every few days........just to connect the final dots. 

I blablahblah....actually I want to blablahblah more but I hvnt slept as I was so desperately to finish a book. I need to rest my eyes for few hrs, then I am back on what I am supposed today. Shit, I luv this euphoria.....hehehehehehe...........but I should shut up. :P

Books N Ideas

I have been blahhhh about having a book of my own for some time. The fact is, I feel I am not enough for it. Yea, if I have to share my stories, they are quite interesting in somewhat but then it's just another drama queen's stories, just total bullshits N cliche. I always felt I should have done or learnt something extra-ordinary to kick off this step....ok, maybe wait till I am 60!!??

But lately I have addicted to kindle. I downloaded many books, from poems to spiritual stuff or just novels or jewish bible............I am reading them simulataneously. Yea yea, supposedly it isnt right, to be honest, I am not trying to learn something from each book, I am trying to do a mental research for something. And as the movie - Limitless goes, well, it seems it's better I get as much info or glanced enough info just in case I could assess to 100% of my brain....hehe....I am not going to learn the theories of others or teachers, never in my life I tried to learn something from the "scholar" or "masters", I always know I need to find my way. Like math, I did quite good, but I could never get what the teacher said - so I always studied on my own and I would finish the whole exercise book in frenzy (before anyone could even start halfway through), so I got good score, and I never would compile to hand in homework (depending which teacher....it seemed they always let me be, haha...)

Not meant to say something negative, I think if my teachers see me now, they wud be disappointed. The gal they knew should be a head of a department already. What's going on with her? "sob"

I think I have been blabbering on about a breakthrough or some excitement - it's not going to come. Becoz it already started when I said I wanted it. I am just waiting to see how it would be quickened in its own way. I am not very patient, but also very patient.

So I am reading alot, as I want to cram all the vocabs in my head. In the past I always sped through words, so I could get the picture in my head.....then I would make up stories along the way using the words. It seemed to work............and now....I feel i hvnt got enough, I hv to stuff something in, just to make sure when the path is clear, I could vomit all the food I have been eating in  one goal.......

Anyways, I am bullshitting. I just need to bs bs bs bs.

Oh, yes I got a great present from my fren. I couldnt even recall since......maybe 12 yrs ago, someone gave me Tiffany. It's not my brand anymore, very girlie. But when Bruce gave me that, I suddenly felt like a gal again.....thanks so much. I really luv it. Thanks so much for making me feel like a little princess.....heheheh...I need that, I dont deny, I want to be a princess! 

And during our coffee today (while giving me the bday gift), we started sharing on ideas. And I feel that he has given me a very good concept - I will see to it if there's any way using my magical power to make it succeed.

2 gifts in one day, I am so blessed!!!!!! ^^

P.S - Freakishly to me, it's my 111 post of ME!!! Wow, something wonderful N magical is gonna happen to ME! Yea!

Judgemental

People say or comment I am a judgemental person
actually, I am not
but if people say, I have to put into account
I think it's my demeanour or my look
people just hv to comment something

Now, I think I can say I am judgemental, but

I am judgement to the matter of mind
I am NOT judgemental to the matter of heart

Ie why I am a compassionate person with a touch of judgment

hehe

Swing

Few things I luv -

1. Pendulum

2. resonance effects within  benzene rings

3. momentum

4. intra- & extra-cellular matrix

Yes I was a science student.

I did very well in chemistry though I forgot most stuff already but there are still some trace of a notion, of a drawing, etc. My frenz asked me why I could do so well, I said I dunno, I just could feel the stuff.

Pendulum - someone described me as that, my logic vs emotion

resonance - I just feel so awed by that power

momentum - u kick it, it starts to run 

intra- & extra - cellular matrix - I always wondered since young if there's life within life within life......

(I always imagined that my hair was the universe of another race or people.....and they were living in it)

Anyhow..................................................what I am trying to say. Just some background.

I have been asking myself some questions lately. It bothered me alot, as I so couldnt understand the situation I have been in. I have to tell frankly, I am very very tired and fatigued from my life. I thought of ending it couple of weeks ago, as I got really tired N emptied out. And of coz I hv been reading different books, somehow I want to jumpstart something......u know, something.......

So last nite, I had a dream. Actually, now I am not sure if it's dream within a dream or basically 2 dreams separately. Both dreams I was on a swing. But in one scenario, the background wasnt like earth, more like a highly advanced thing, coz it had a very tall bldg (my memory is very vague) - so i was on the swing, it swinged really high, and so I asked, why I could swing so high to the sky....(it's like I could swing so high, same level as the bldg). So somehow I semi woke up from another dream or real life, now I couldnt tell - my mind told me that it's the answer to the question I asked before I fell asleep.......................................

The swing is my answer.

Band-Aid to the broken heart (scientifically)

First, thanks to Mr Funny introducing me to read up on Gregg Breden, but what makes my heart beat heavily would be what I am going to share below. Now I totally understand why I studied science and why the heck pharmacy though I hated it guts to the point I disowned this profession. But as I always share - studying Pharmacy has an advantage, whereby I understand alot of science stuff plus human stuff (as we are prepared to work in pharmaceutical companies (hence product development, formulation, marketing - we need to grasp the understanding, plus also we need to do alot of counselling & educating the patients). And most of all, we are trained to read literature, journals of science sorts, of coz. I am so so thrilled to read what's below.

http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/content/feb2011/id20110225_354247.htm

"............electrical currents can be detected in developing embryos and in wounds.........." =>

1. "the cells that become the heart begin to pulsate very early on in embryonic development, it can be said that the vast majority of the time that an embryo develops is in the presence of electrical signals."

2. "........... in a wound, the (these) charged particles spill out and create current (movement of charge) that can be measured and that subsides as the wound heals"

Hence, the above findings have become the fundamental points of research in finding how to "grow heart tissue".

Note: "the heart is the biggest source of electrical energy, much much bigger than the brain............ "

Creating the band-aid for wounded heart-tissue is to modulate the frequency of electrical stimulation to "trick" the cells to grow into heart tissues - these engineered heart tissues would be the band-aid of the broken heart tissue.........

Maybe this week, I will share some points regarding the Divine Matrix by Gregg Breden, but I really dont think I can grasp what he's talking about as it has alot of physics in it, which I suck in physics. But he points out about power of emotion/feeling - generated by heart (as above, remember, heart generates bigger electrical energy - also magnetic field - than the brain) could actually change the reality (in simple term - anyways, I still dont get it much but I am more interested to prove certain scientific points he makes first), so above rgd the engineered heart has somewhat excited me alot..........

Anyways, it's exciting to know the physical broken heart could have a band-aid and our heart actually creates more electricity than the brain........these would be a great pondering moment for us. Maybe the spiritual heart could be healed & modulated too. :D

(actually, I got other research rgd the heart N brain bla blah EM fields but I find this simple article to be most intriguing)

I hate that....

When that crazy Eric called me at MN, and I missed his call.
Shits...not sure if he got bad news for me from the company.
Anyhow, prepare the worst!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Called him back, he didnt pick it up.
Guess he must be making devil plan in his head.
ASSHOLE.

But I just hope that he pressed the wrong number. Whereby, actually, he always sent the wrong email to me.
LETS HOPE.
I cant take in more bad news.
it's a time for good news.
I want GOOD NEWS.
GOOD NEWS PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

The thing is I feel so agitated inside.
Tjis shitty asshole always brings bad news.
ALWAYS.
I really need to find a job so I can quit this shithole once & for alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
But though I really still want to continue what I am doing
Universe, Gods, SAVE ME FROM THIS AGITATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNN

A habit is not a need

I just start to really luv his quotes and read his books.

Paulo Coelho -
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

You know, it seems human race is more driven by habits than needs. I try not to be trapped in such, but the fact is I AM very much in the core of many habits.

I dont need coffee but I drink it, reasons? nothing to drink so I drink coffee, and of coz I prefer its taste more than maybe lets say - Milo.

I dont need alcohol esp I dont actually like it but I will order many till I am drunk when I am out. Reasons? It's kind of stupid asking for soft drinks when the bars would charge you 10, 15 times more than you got from 7-11.

I dont need to shower but I have to coz I would smell. But think about it, in cavemen time, they got no soap but they were sensitive. Apart from less scent distraction, do you think it's possible that one's own pheramones or smell would be the catalyst of  ascending subconsiousness? The most deteriorating of our 5 senses, I would have to say is SMELL, coz we are so intoxicated by the present air. Yet.....I many a time would love to understand more about our olfactory system as it stores alotta memories or recalls. A scent is dead-on, irreplaceable but selective (I think).

I dont need to miss someone, but it has become a habit.

Despite hating & feeling disgusted by it, I admire people who could cut a habit and recognizing his actual needs - though the reasons of need could be something stupid, like need of sleep, need of being lazy - yet he could make a step changing his pattern, breaking off an essence of habit.....I admire such people.

I hope I could achieve what he said. Nothing is irreplaceable. It's so true, yet, more you know how it could be replaced, more you dont want. O well, It's but just a Habit of Stupidity & Procasination.

:)

Being Butterfly

Not once in my life, many say I am actually a butterfly. 

A social butterfly.

A metamorphic butterfly.

Butterfly personality.

Come & go like a butterfly.

Floating like a butterfly.

I think, I am actually a butterfly, apart from being "reptilian" from Orion.

As I glanced through my pics from young, I indeed look very different. It's not just being nerdy when I was young. I just really changed. I dont think I could recognize myself if I could go back in time machine. And I think, I should start to forgive my old frenz or family, how they couldnt even talk to me anymore. I mean, I dont just change, I have become another person.

Not sure if you read up paranormal stuff. There are few kinds of hybrids, one is called starseed (I believe it;s me), the other is walk-in. My witchy astrology friend was a walk-in. I think I have been walked-in many times then.....I think once this group of "weird" people did tell me - people like me would change every 2 years and there would be no way for them to recognize me again. 

I guess, to others is very threatening. For me, I have lived with many of my problems & flaws for so many years, I sometimes dont even know it if I dont pause a moment & think. Esp, when I am uploading some pics of my past & present to picasa - I realize, I couldnt actually recognize the "me" in the picture, also I realize I look like a cat.

My god, I am just blahblablahhhhh............becoz my mind is so empty nowadays. I just want to yack something so.....to make my synapses work again. Ummm, I did make a wish yesterday that I would meet someone challenging & mind provoking soon. I need some renewal again. I have been in cocoon for sometime.....and I want to breakthrough the nutshells again & fly out a prettier & smarter butterly.......

:)

SCREAM

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH just want to scream
SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
HATE what I am doing
and need wisdom to get out
lack of brainwave to know
powerless inspiration
FERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

PEWH. Thanks.
I hate all the guyz called ERIC. 

Wow, another 30 somthing

.........hehe, entries, I will hit 400 entries
which, I gotta say, 95% of my stuff is so bullshit.
I hvnt got the mood to write lately
so I resort to photo blogging on iphone now
I suddenly feel this cageless bird blog is a drag
I want to open another one with more exclusive limited viewing
though, I think.....I only have 1-2 readers here

I want to start something more provocative
more crazy
more erotic blog
I mean, really, put what I think inside
anyhow, I hv been naked basically this year
why not!?!?! huh!!??????

Seriously, I felt like being stripped clean, robbed naked these few months
my mind has become so stale that
I mocked at every word I spoke
I hate my stupid slow mind
I dislike my powerless brainwave

It's like my neurons can no longer synapse
there isnt any chemical, there's lack of neurotransmitters to transmit
does it mean I need to take on some dopa
or just dope

I hate this feeling
I hate slow mind
I cant even joke about anything
I am supposed to hv quick wit, but I am lacking so badly lately
I find myself becoming like a boring person
I need some electric shock
in the past, I wud hop on a plane & go somewhere
just to somehow to shock myself alittle bit in diff way
now, I cant
The only excitement I have is I can shoot tequila
hehehehe
yes................when it efferescents from the throat back to the tongue
the kick was amazing
i suppose U got that from whisky too, but I hate malt

Full stop of my bullshit
I am just hysertically calm nowadays
YUCK!

Feel Like 1000 years old

I always know I am an old soul, but still think I am kinda new old soul. But lately - actually today.......my "tiredness" of things (not exactly entirely negative - but I got no words to describe it) has made me feel that I am already 1000 years old. Not exactly wiser, not exactly tired - but I started to see some understanding of things. Maybe more forgiveness. Less patience for things dont deserve me. But I am not sharpened yet. Still got long way to mould. I cant say I am excited. But a strange feeling. Like yesterday as I said, I felt da me is coming back soon. And one sign of Da Me is back is that I didnt sleep the whole night until now.....it's the Da Me trait. I think I am really workaholic, when there are things I want to achieve, I can go without sleep. It's abit crazy but it's kinda my way too. It';s the Da Me. Period.

Very strange things too - as I am feeling old soul within, as I look back my old pictures..........I actually kinda look younger than before. Even my stylist told me that. Is it some kinda reverse, like the movie by Brad Pitt....U kinda grow up in reverse (cudnt recall the movie name).....weird. Of coz I could see sign of old age - some fine lines, etc etc...........o well, maybe better camera now. haha

Da Me

I was talking to my "life analyst" over the phone as I gotta update him my situation. Actually, lately I feel in somewhat, da me is coming back, but still I could feel I am now in a river, tied with a string, a small string.....I am not back on land yet. However, I am focuzing to find the me back. And as he said, i would know when I would be back. And indeed, I somehow am so in touch with myself, I could even tell how well I speak of a joke or a thought....lately not so good, but better than past 2 months, I suppose. 

So today, somehow a british guy who wanted to date me for a year....hahhaahahah.......surfaced on a chat. Honestly, I am not interested in him but it's flattering someone could remember you after so long without contacts, at least 4 months I guess. I think he said something he found me awesome being so upfront about many things, I said, yes I am intriguing. But the fact is, u know, I am tired people saying they like me coz I am honest, open & upfront........honestly speaking, I think people cant handle honesty. It's a trait people desire after but do not want it at all.

I hope Da Me is back on soon. I miss the hilarious ME. I miss the crazy ME. I dont care if people would luv me coz I am that outerspacey hilarious, crazy & honest anymore. I dont think anyone even needs to think why they can luv me or not, I am just so darn super gigantic wonderful person....why the freak I need to care if people wud luv me, as many would, few cant is fine, rite? I mean even just me luving me is totally enough, who can say they hv at least 1 person who can luv one unconditionally????

I WILL BE BACK - Terminator.

Weird Dreams

I think, really, first thing one should do is to record their dreams if they could remember. I havnt been diligent about it but I did have vague memory of 2 dreams.

I realize that many of my dreams have something to do with water, guess maybe my star sign is of water. This recent dream, I couldnt recall the specific, but the only thing I remember, instead of running across a highway, I gotta swim across a highway of river - inside which many giant fish looking like some greyish whales....but they were not exactly the fish that I know of. Somehow, I just gotta swim across it. 

Anyways, apart from water monsters, underrwater training, this is another one related to water. It's good I am not of fire sign.....hahahahaah

Second one was last night. I dreamt I was in this apartment - kinda old with old furniture. While I was playing around with my date, he told me he didnt like my place. It's old. So I said coz it's so cheap, I just needed to rent it.....he said everywhere is dust, but I was fine as I didnt have allergy.....keke. Then next scene was at a dinner party - somehow they were all rich people. Another guy came to me and said - u know what. I could transfer the stock share to you since your flat belonged to the listed company - I said, wow, could you do that? He said, of coz he could.......lol...alternate dimension, people still wanted to benefit me. Then another guy came to me, should be my date or a friend....I couldnt remember, he said, U gotta move. I said, well, I got no money to move, and he said...I would pay for you. Then I started to tell of the ghost story and people were gathering around me in aweee.....................kekekekekekeke

I think in the alternate dimension of me, I was also experiencing financial problems, but the "she-me" was lucky as she knew all the rich guyz. keke

American Documentaries

I mean, they always have intriguing topics - Nostradamus Effect. But the material is so shallow and repetitive, but what got me interested was the anti-christ part, whereby nostradamus prophesied something interesting, e.g. Hitler - Napolean, etc........Kinda browsing abit on Hitler. It's amazing how he could create a social-cult in such short time, while, actually a jewish oracle prophesied to him that he wud become a chancellor , but later of coz murdered by him. At his suicide - he chose 30 Apr, coz it's like the "ghost door open" date as in our 7-14 chinese custom..........

Then was kinda intrigued by Issac Newton too. He was very diligent in deciphering the bible code, and actually his documents were surfaced sometimes ago (maybe 50 yrs ago?) - yet he was an alchemist. Isnt it abit strange that in somewhat....as I am reading some doc or books lately - alchemy always has some association with the bible in somewhat. And U know, I am good at chemistry and ie why I got very intrigued by the term alchemy before I knew what it meant - never thought of turning lead to gold, but I think turning things to things isnt the real practice & desire behind.

Intriguing!

Addicted yes....

I am addicted to TV, as many know. Actually, I never rely on any form of drugs because I can easily get addicted to everything. Well, now I am addicted to this link  as I can watch many shows - UK shows, US shows, Talk shows, even discovery channel, documentaries, etc..........I luv british accent very much since last year, hence I am browsing through shows that ideally have it. Anyways, brits tend to have more of the documentary types into the ancient worlds, another of my search & favourite as some of you know. I was watching Ancient world, ancient discoveries, celtish britan....etc LUV it.......

And what thrills me most is of coz it's great seeing all these documentaries, but also as they go along, I can do research....such as I am reading up on Augustine.....i was reading kabalah as well....then some other names etc, trying to enhance my common sense, which I have to say I have none.

This is the link:

http://www.watchseries-online.com/

I am currently catching up on:

1. White Collar

2. Bones (starting to really luv the show, the female lead kinda reminds me of Monk)

3. Gossip Girls

4. NCIS

5. Supernatural

6. .....

7.....

Forget what else I am watching, as hv been looking up on the ancient world thingie......^^

Enjoy!

Different Group of Friends

Last night, I talked to my high school friend for hours. Actually, she's the only high school friend I am still talking to.  And we were laughing coz it's like we were back in high school talking nonsense but we are willing to listen to the....kiddo-est things we gotta say.

I mean, I could always be myself 95% of the time with my frens. Yet, I realize, there's some so so so kiddo stuff that I cant even open my mouth to say it out, except to this high school fren. I luv her......

Then makes me come to think of it, maybe I mentioned it before, so basically I am repeating myself. We need different groups of frenz to make our net secured. I really think we cant just have one kind of best frenz, but multiply kinds. And truth be told, I am always blessed with great & cool frenz. And rgd best frenz, I actually have quite a number. I dont think for best frenz means I gotta tell them everything....different people cant accept different things, esp for a drama queen like me.

However, the quality of being my best friend is -

We gotta mutually respect each other, accept without prejudice. I know rest assured that he or she would be there if I need them, and vice versa. If it's something really urgent, I can call them 3am in the middle of the night and I know they would fly taxi to see me. (it never happens - I believe unless I am sick, I wouldnt call anyone at 3am.....hehehehehe). Though, I do recieve msg when my best frenz are drunk. Same, I would send msg if I am drunk at 3am to....my best frenz only. Somehow, when we grow up, we dont disturb people without reasons.

And I feel I am blessed with many great frenz whom we could cover various topics from UFO, Ancient Civilisation, Bible, Spiritual, Love Affairs, Business, Bullshits, Karaoke.......hohoho. Yes common frenz could be in these categories too, but mine are not....we could share the above plus other things. And I know, if they are not going smooth, they can come to find me anytime, and same here me to them.

Again, I luv U my frenz, My dudes, My galz.....MUahhahahaha

Sometimes we all get tired

One way or another.

Maybe waiting for a chance.

Waiting for a bus.

Waiting for the doctor.

Waiting for someone to change their mind.

Waiting......

I have been waiting alot....really.....I am not a 100% patient person.

But people who know me well know I am very impatient, yet very patient for things that are worthy of my time.

Like my sis kids. I was quite patient with their education.

For my ex-es, I was too.

For my life...maybe work....ummm...yea, ok......70%

I was telling Mr Pasta last nite, how I would send off my ex-es. hehe, he found me really weird.

E.g. before I broke up with my ex-es, I would - find a church for him if he's a christian; or if he was jobless, I would advise him and pass him some freelance; or he was social handicapped, I would force him to build the network and make some frenz first.

It's abit nutty doing all these things. But I couldnt NOT do it. It's not like they are all the best merited guyz on earth, but somehow I need to clear my conscience. Ie me. My conscience is so important. I do agree with the preaching - we all have the soul within to discern right & wrong - I think it's the conscience I am talking about. 

Sometimes, I do get tired with myself and lose sight of it. Like the scam few months ago, I think it's my responsibility to suck it up. I was ignoring my conscience. Many times we could be blinded. really. When we are kind of lost. Esp with a bit of my impulsiveness - I kinda got squinted, things become dreggy.

Esp someone told me, innately I am an antenna - ummm............to upstairs, so Id better check myself, examine myself more. I am abit scared, honestly. I want to be an angel, not an antenna. :( It seems things become so heavy for me now.....very hard to understand what I am talking about now, unless I could tell you face to face the whole story. Yet, it's like a long TV soap opera, some say about my stories, it's always episode after another episode with more dramas, more climax, heheheheh..................(I swear, I dont want it gahhhhhhh) !!

I believe this year is really a time of learning acceptance & awakening. To identify the difference between peace at heart vs blinded conscience. Anyhooos, I think.....whatever it is, it worths the journey.

By the way, I need different people to visit me in June, at my place....actually I have been arranging different frenz coming here every week.......somehow I feel this place needs more people. As the whole floor, I am like the only person....hehe....do bring tequila, I can serve coke zero & yummy juices!! ^^

Shit.

I think I lost a post......it was a post with alotta gratitude inside. Anyone read that?? I lost it. Couldnt find it....arghhhjjhhhhhh

My roomate

I had a fun conversation with my back-in-Mel-days roommate on YES...........WHAT'sAPP. Best app ever!!!!!!!!!! APPALAUDE!!!!

WA brings me tears at times, but it surely brings me closer to some of the frenz who have it, even with my sis. E.g. My sis needed my advice on her nite gown, and she sent me 6 pics choose. Anyways, of coz I picked what fit her the best, and wanted to take the rest away from her. hehe....who can offer better advice than me on fashion?? :P

(actually I am out of touch with fashion, I am very very back to basic kinda gal now. And I feel if you could bring out the fashion SMELL from basic, U r a guru. hehehe...ie how I am sculpturing my sense of being and my pheromones now, yes. hehe.)

You know. 90% of people comment they prefer people to be honest & frank. The fact is, 90% of of these 90% cant actually take the truth. And among the 90% of the 90% of the 90% couldnt take bluntness. But then why people say they prefer honesty. To be honest, among these 90% of the 90% who want honesty ARE not capable of being honest. And then another 50% among the 90% of the 90% can only be the person to act blunt and "honest" but they cant take back the honesty. hehe.

OK, my roomate - E - isnt one of them. She's capable of being honest. And she's capable of taking my honesty and bluntness, at least, mine could be quite straightforward. I learnt not to be too blunt as I know my tone of voice....it's horrible. Even I am lying, I sound like BLUNT - O maybe ie why I could be a good liar. hehe. She is a devoted christian.....I respect her point of views alot, hence I always ask her some silly bible Qs, esp lately as I am re-reading Genesis. To me, there are alot of "flaw".....hehe, of coz she replied some really christian answer but with a sense of WIT.

Yet, I cant deny.....it's very hard to discuss issues with a grounded belief individual. I think, just like if people want to discuss about me - while I already have a fixated pt of views about myself - it wouldnt be an easy task to deal or bush around it to just talk about "ME". We all have walls. Walls being your fixated views about a faith or about a belief.......they are the boundaries. And on the contrary to some of your guesses (despite I am free spirit), I 100% agree in boundaries. These walls are the boundaries.....we cant bounce past them, we can only try to push the boundaries to give us bigger room, bigger space to bounce around them. As I mentioned before, freedom doesnt exist without boundaries. (a very very wise man once told me). Kinda zen....kinda weird......but I agree absolutely.

One more word back to bluntness. I guess it's very hard to execute it, it's simply due to each's perspectives on his own pride or mutual respect. I think....I have strong confidence that E & I have very good mutual respect to each other, though, it doesnt mean we agree on every term, it doesnt mean we could swallow each other's word with the biggest grin on face - yet the honesty was first founded from LUV.

So........ok....seems everything goes back to LUV again.

Cast Away

I need to find the dvd.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162222/

I think.....I was like the character. keke.
In many ways. Taking to a volleyball? :P
I feel like revisiting the movie.................and the moment he was found.

Ummm........long movie, so guess I need to find another good day to sit comfortably, undisturbly to watch with my dogs....^^

Thanks to Guillaume Canet & Mr Funny

I had 2 revelation today. Sorry, listen to me like U r listing to a nut person. But I feel so happy rite now, and I have to say it.

1. I once asked Mr Funny for advice, but he rejected me coz he was tired. haha. He told me, I should go to sleep and have a shower. Dont go shit while thinking, as they will be shitty ideas. Go shower. They will be good ideas. Today......I started to have a fresher idea.....during shower. thanks thanks.

U know how hard it is lately, past 1 month for me to have fresh ideas.........I think I am revived.

2. While watching the movie Last Night, I was awed by Guillaume Canet....by his eyes. This reminds me how much I love to look at people with eyes that can communicate. I remember I once could. At least I felt I could. My eyes have been dead for many years. I looked at the mirror for years, I hated my eyes as they dont talk anymore. I mean....I was not really hating them as much, but more like....I didnt look at them anymore. (that also proves I am not a self-idolizing person...:) ).

OK, GC.....I went on to watch from tudou his earlier movie "Love me if you dare" - yes his eyes again. I luv people who speak through their eyes. Tears r good if U can use tears to communicate emotions....not all kinds of tears r good. Anyways.

Then I look at myself. I have been dead inside for years. I mean, yes, I am still at times inspirational, motivational, challenging, crazy, sentimental, abit intelligent, abit posiitve, abit negative, abit this n that, but all were dead.........I am not sure, but I have this epipphany.

Maybe, just maybe.......the need of what I gotta go through last month - my broken heart.....was a way to revive my soul, to wake her up.....as I feel I lost her.....for long long time. I remember when I used to go to church or even when I was younger......someone would tell me, if I wanted to grow, I first needed to be broken down first - and there's no WAY to turn back. I would never think and jump to the challenge.

In church, the prayer would be - break me and mold me to be the vessel God wants me to be. Tell you, God did answer my prayers and I was.....shattered into pieces. Anyhow....no need dwell here.

Then in life, my high school teacher told me, if I wanted to know "life", I gotta open the door....and this door could never been shut and there was no turning back ever.

Today, there's no such prayers or opening & shutting doors.....rather, there came a need for me to grow up, a need for me to find back my eyes. The radical modification was for my benefit to redeem my eyes.....how could I see when I have been so blinded without soul? Shits................I am so excited. For tomorrow. For next week. For next month. For next year. I hope this thrill isnt just a thrill.....but awakening for me.

And somehow, my lost soul, despite, lost and abit dead before, she was guiding me to read some good books, she was making me feel weak N vulnerable, yet......a string to attach to my life, to my survival instinct............really, if I never felt my heart was broken into pieces....maybe today I wouldnt see I couldnt see. I am going to sleep..........I want to find back my soulful eyes tomorrow. I will look into the mirror....and see them...........hehehehehe

Sorry, I am really so thrilled and excited. Becoz...............I kinda finally recall what I have been lost. It just gave me goosebumps. :P

good movie nite....

1. No String Attached. Nice...cute....fun.....

2. Last Night......now, rekindle my luv for the frenchie charisma.....
a very dialogue movie....

3. Jeux d'enfants - Love me if you dare
cute, enchanting....^^


I am fulfilled.

Unexpected is good sometimes

OK, my sis lent me this dvd - No String Attached.

NOW, I want someone to spoon me in clothes. hahahaha...dont get it, watch it.
Kinda sweet romantic comedy. Dun get it why Ashton Kutcher could be so cute.....I dont actua;ly find him "cute", I mean he's so tall....and he just has that nerdy kinda cute. Anyways, just cute. Natalie Portman totally acted out how I felt at the last 30 mins of the movie, she's just a wonderful actress.

Amen!

Infinity

Infinity offers you another chance. hehe.
I heard something really nice today. Honestly, if I am more "awakened", I would say something more intelligent, however, now, I am abit dumb, I just recite what I heard.

Sometimes we worry if we will get a second chance
Even infinity moves both direction
it's not singular
........

:)

Bones

Bruce told me he was watching Bones. So after X Files, I took out my Bones and rewatch it, while I am doing my work, or helping my sister correcting her grammar, or reading my book. Still, Bones could make me cry.....shitty me. Really. Not cry, tearful, I should say, esp at this episode about Xmas. The bones they discovered was about a man being murdered - he was white and got a african american gal pregnant in 40's,50's(?). So he was preparing to take her to live in Paris, as at that time, marrying a black in America was not allowed. It's so touching...................:P

Flinch

Fridge
Fringe

Shits, I heard this word FLINCH - it sounds so good but it has "bad meaning" - to retrieve with fear. Yet FLINCH sounds so cool.

in Luv with Tequila NOWadays

Shits...luv it.
I prefer it more than wine now.
I luv the kick. I luv it sipping through my throat to my lung......hehe

OK, housewarming gifts
1. Tequila
2. candles not from Ikea
3. Money

lol

I saw a ghost on the peak......

KAKAKAK.............a mockup ghost I should say.

Ok, as usual, I would do some crazy thing. What I did today was - I started off at 8ish, took a 15 bus to the peak, planning to walk down from the peak, as I totally forgot where was the start point from central....I remembered it should be sloopy trail.....

Anyways, first attempt down the sloop....wrong. So walked back up then asked a guard or something, he pointed me to another way.....so I started walking......walking......walking.....it was clear at 1st, then started to get foggy. Saw couple of people on the way but....basically no one....so I kept walking walking.........

What stunned me was......I saw some white shadow and at 1st I thought there was a short man or child standing there.....yet, I thought to myself who would stand there...OK, as I walked closer, I knew it was a jacket hung on the pole, yet, it shaped like "human". While, then I also thought it was a human.....so I gazed at it to see if it moved. hahahahaha..................

Then it started to get real misty, foggy.....so I ran abit, hoping I got off to the ground asap. Then I saw a european walking my way.......yeah it was fine, I assumed he was doing some exercise as well. However, I walked abit further - i saw him again. So I went up to ask him if it's actually a loop or U r a ghost (of coz I didnt ask....haha). YES, it was a loop....holy molly!!

So I walked back to the bus station and took a bus back down.....it's already 10:30. lol

But the nite scenery of HK is indeed super awesome!

The air is thick

I just opened my balcony door to let my dogs go out to have sunbathing & some fresh air. Somehow they luv sunbathing alot. I could feel the thick air outside - the sky is actually pretty clear with some nice white clouds. Blue enough - not total greyish. Yet, I think the humid has saturated the air abit so I could feel the thickness, of coz, mixed with the normal polluted air. Still, I cant say it's all that bad, considering I am living in HK island, at Sheung Wan area. I give the air 80% score.

I hope most who read here could have a chance to visit my place. So far, my frenz say it's very comfy. I like it here alot, not just the balcony. But this place makes me want to hv less things. :D

Luv the simplicity and color actually....more N more in luv with here.

One-Quarter

Someone just told me - I know I am not your 1/2, but would like to be your 1/4
LOL

I dont believe in 1/2
but 1/4 sounds quite good
so I can have 3 more 1/4
the number seems pretty awesome

if life could be easy

we would all have been a zillionare.

or

doctors as a professional wouldnt exist.

I had a strange encounter today and yesterday. Somehow, it precipitated some thinking. nothing needs to be written here. actually, I dont feel like writing much. For the time being here.

I may start on the side blog or my book.

In btw, I met up my soulmate again on Sat. Ummm, he's going through very tough time. Sometimes, it's really difficult, if you do encounter alotta life & death and disappointment in life. He still keeps moving, esp he has an important person - his gf.....we have become close. I think they are going to be my another best frenz very soon. :)

Conclusions

I have been making dreams.....it's interesting. I luv it. I luv tapping into that world. Maybe it's subconscience talking, my life shouldnt stop here....there are much to dream on. My frenz, to be frank.....I am at the very end of tunnel. I got no idea how to move on, esp I always had a heart. Now, actually it's broken. I mean my mind, my ego, my being could get broken down and I will always find ways to rebuild - but the only thing left, my heart (my soul) has been taken away, I feel that void and helplessness. Anyhow.

I, as me, never give up that easily. Always find ways to self-inspire. What I am doing is I start to get interested in spiritual journey that many people talk about. I am reading up on Camino. Will see if it would re-ignite some fire within, actually, I already knew - it will. 

Somehow, since young, I know I am a spiritual person, but maybe to christians, I am a rebel. hehe. Anyways. I once visited a medium, she said I would become a channelist one day. Then another kinesiologist (muscle testing master) said I would become powerful (guess he meant spiritually). To be frank, I knew it. But I walked away from it, as I got really scared by ghosts or power. I mean I always wanted to be a superman, of coz..........I may want to re-read the Bible if I got a new one, as I gave mine to my japanese best friend when he left HK as a gift for his soul. Anyways..........

Lets see. I would become a witch or a saint. kakakakaka

an explosive, mechanical dream

Wow, I luv this dream as it has some kind of mechanical thing behind it, though I think it's not entirely sound, but I believe in another universe, it may. HAHA.

I was at a building. With quite a no of artists in an apartment. Each could present their own work. My friend, I think it's him - POW (we are not that close but he's a photographer in real life), so he was showing his "painting" or "patchwork"......it was a cozy place indeed. The bldg is not the chinese one, more like a french old building or Mediterranean sort, not sure until I visit one some day. 

Anyhow, the whole bldg, I suspect, inhabited everyone that we knew.....somehow there was a commotion, so simultaneously, everyone was opening their door and shut it. So somehow, it created a vaccum suction - and BOMB, the walls blew up and flew all the stuff to everywhere. And...we human got caught into middle of it, and as for me, I got various parts stuck in my arms and stuff. However, it was kinda casual and I just pluck them out like a sting - no bleeding or whatsoever.

Then "police" came and accused of POW - supposedly an engineer as well. He was accused for not staying in the bldg to ensure the intact of the bldg, as at that universe, an engineer was responsible for such cause.

Actually, I am just attempting to write, but it was not even 5% close to what I saw in my dream.

SO COOL......^^

Maggie & Leon in My dream....

Man, I have been having really vivid dreams lately. I am trying to put them down as best as I could.

I dreamt of a conversation between Maggie Cheung & Leon Lai. And I was present.

I believe he was asking her at various occasions - so you never told me how you wanted me to treat you. Tell me what I should do. Why are you not letting me know what I should do, etc etc etc.......so I could be with you.

Maggie wasnt responding much and somehow I felt she was upset. So I stepped forward and started scolding him. 

- WHAT!??!?!?! You need her to tell you?!?! ok, WELL, have you even bothered to have started doing anything without knowing "the criteria"? 

He was dumbstuck.

So if not, then why the heck you are asking her. You havnt even tried, and U r asking her???? I AM ASKING U AR, HAVE YOU EVEN TIRED AR???? ANSWER ME LAAAAAA

Then MAggie tried to pull me away and asked me to go....so I could calm down myself. Then I saw my ex....he dressed in the most horrible some kind of knitted wear...............he was trying to talk to me, I was like trying to growl at him. hehhehhee.....guess everytime I got tantrums in dreams, when I feel like yelling at someone - he would appear!!!! LOL