on Full Moon

Criminal thoughts are boiling up.

Werewolves world is getting agitated.

My world? Alone & Lonely. hehe.

So I am going to take my dogs out to gaze at the moon when it's dark & all.

I never really care about festives very much as it's just a date set from long long time ago by some King or tribal leaders to get people do some ritual together. I am more hoping some new festives I may derive for myself one day....I mean some should be evil ones, or maybe some are some sorta anniversaries or something.

Honestly, I also dont care much about bday or anniversaries. I sound like I dont care about anything, rite? hehe, it's partly true. Only when you see the value in sharing it with someone you love, then everyday becomes a festive. This year - hard to say, I am not meant to share with that someone. Sadly. :(

So I am lonely. Today.

I never really desire to share this Full Moon with my ex-es, rather, they would buy lanterns for me. I always just shrugged it off, as it's not fun for me. But this year, I want to gaze moon with that person. hehe.....yet he's not here, not yet a reality. Sadly. I would call him Mr Gazzi here, well, abit like Mr Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, you see. :))

I miss my Mr Gazzi. I mean I miss us together. I never miss "us" together. I think, the taste of missing us is abit traumatising for me - as it's no longer an imaginary world. I had my imaginary world before, I talked to my imaginary lover, or lovers, hehe.....we would do our imaginary talks or stuff together. Sounds crazy? No, I think it was quite healthy. But then lately, I also realize one thing.

I roamed around the world for so many years, today I was woken up - I guess with knowing Mr Gazzi character does exist does shock me to awakening, indeed. In the past, why all my relationship fails, it's simple - as all my ex-es said the same thing one way or another that I projected such a huge expectation upon them. Yet, I never felt I imposed anything on them.....truth be told, if people who knew me with my ex-es, e.g. Bruce, he could testify one thing - I was a great gf with basically limited expectation. For e.g. I never really cared what profession he had or if he got a car or which university degree he got or how much he made or if he's going to get married with me, or etc etc etc etc - I mean in HK - how hard to find a gal like me so absent-minded with all these things. hehe.  Honestly, even if they told me above, I would forget in next 5 mins. :) So all my frenz did reprimand me to be more realistic or whatever.

I also dont feel I am not realistic, one thing - I know I will never end up with them. I am just a character to play in their lives, I always feel - maybe by giving my compassionate love, this person could become a better person. Yes, like so many other galz, I had a saviour complex, but maybe to guys - if they could understand women better, we just wanted to be a mom to embrace U....but to guyz, this behaviour is really tedious, they love it & they hate it, so you guyz would say - "women like to be busybody and try to change me".

But I guess, at the end - I knew & I know they couldnt match my imaginary lover, or that particular person in my real dream (not day dream) when I had that dream at 14, or 16, dont recall. It's kinda enchanting.............I just remember his eyes.

Yet,

Say to your lovers or your gfs today - that thanks to them they want to change you on this Full Moon day, it signifies "metamorphorisis" or "shifting" (my versions) - thank them for being a woman, thank them for being so busybody, thank them for trying to make U become a better person. BELIEVE me, tonite, you will have very good orgasm!! 

I quit my saviour complex now, I need someone to save me, to shower me with alotta compassion. Frankly, I am tired..............I feel I have driven hard with pride these years, today, I am tired. I am abit afraid to lose this inner strength to fight tomorrow literally. 

So even people dont really do that, but I am going to make not a wish but few wishes to the moon. Oh yes, when I was studying in Melb, at night while walking home, I always talked to the moon. And I remember I wrote few entries of journals about that. The moon to me is a HE - so he's been with me, protected me, watched over me.

So today, long time no talk to the moon and ie what I am going to do - I will ask him to grant me my wishes. My current profession endeavor - pls solve within 2 weeks. My love - will be mine in reality. My friends & family - will find joy & peace. And as for me, I will be wiser, cuter, more witty, more creative, better vocab, finally could pen down my book idea........within next 12 mths, then....maybe abit greedy - if I hv been granted 30 years more of life, I just have this special wish which will be known between my Moon & me.

Happy FULL MOON everyone!! May you enjoy the FULL MOON magic......not just today but everyday!

Love, xoxo

Movies I watched within one week

Apart from previously mentioned Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind, I watched quite a no of movies on plane or at home. Here are the list:

1. let me in - a child vampire story. Interesting, but heard it was borrowed from a swedish film " let the right one in", I will search for it some day.

2. Girlfriend experience, starrred by ex AV gal Sasha Grey (?) - she isnt a bad actress at all. It just talks about how she struggles as an escort - connection? pure shag? while being in a committed relationship with a bf. 

3. Midnight in Paris - I never really like Woody Allen movies. I just dont like its vibe, not that I watched many of his. This one is cute, yet I feel the actors are not properly given a script, as U could feel some lines they improvised themselves. But I like the ending, kinda old school hollywood cliche movie ending, but sweet.

4. Thor - wow, actually it's not bad. I like it. I specially like his recklessness. It's not all goodie kind of superhero stories.

5. Biutiful - great performance, but I cant associate it too well. Though, I am watching it through someone's mind. :)

6. Fish Tank - my fren Dion said he preferred this than An Education. Ummm, I prefer the latter still, it has a touch of class and abit less realistic. Fish Tank is very cruel in its portrayal - and I always cant bear to see kids being treated this way, it's same as ABUSE by mom, family & society. It's too sad for me.

7. The Darjeeling Ltd - ummmm, cute. recommended. Very manhood searching for meaning but in a funny setting. My kind of film - abit fantasy, surreal.

8. Rewatched - Love Actually, The Fall, There's something about Mary

9. Some other I watched half way such as Water for Elephant, Fargo....if I got a chance will get the dvd since i picked them from the plane.

Whenever I am gloomy

I will watch few movies...which I guess I mentioned here before.

The first one is always Love Actually - becoz it makes one believe in something, or maybe round the corner, something may happen for me. I esp like the part where Collin Firth with the Portuguese fell in luv - it's abit surreal & fantasy. But sometimes, maybe language isnt that important? It's the sexual attraction....haha, or namely pheromones. 

Then, maybe I would watch Copy Cat as I always like serial killer stories. No matter how many times I watched this show, I never got bored and I got no reasons why. Yet, it gives me the thrill.

Then, it could be Sausalito - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0240880/ with Leon Lai. It's a simple but cliche love at first shag story, but it always reminded me that I went to Sausalito before just coz of the movie. And this movie is sweet.

Then also if I want to cry, I always watch The Fall - just luv the chemistry between the Roy (Lee Pace) and the romanian child actress. And it always makes me cry at the end - no matter how many times I watch it.

Now, maybe I will have a new addition - Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. It reminds me alotta things somehow. I think afterall as I said before, I am a fairy tale gal. I like anything borderline fantasy or surreal. This movie is one.

What are your list?

Die hard? hehe

First Date

I am so excited for my good fren - C who is going on a first date today. I hope either this is the last first date or signify more dates to come......in regardless, both statement means good ending. 

I cant remember much usually my first date with anyone, I am usually pretty cool about it, as I didnt get too worked-up, but of coz at home I was always all ready & prepared. Ummm, but sometimes some first, U dont get memory on the spot, but the afterwards memory was significantly daunting & mesmerizing. 

The first kiss that makes you become a kid again

The first gaze that electrifies you

The first declaration of luv in a strange way or romantic way

The first goodbye for the luv U r in luv with

The first sleeping in the arm with the one you could really sleep with

The first tear

The first harsh stabbing pain

Well, of coz, after some time, the first I am talking about doesnt necessarily mean the first first, I think in order to really experience the "real first", we all may need the many first beforehands. Of coz, it would be wonderful if the first is the first memory, but maybe for me - I dont really work like that.

I suppose everything is the first always has its grand meaning to it, be it bad or good. They somehow worth remembering. But frankly, I dun even remember who is my real 1st bf or my 1st kiss, hehe. I am bad at that, as I dont like memory very much, be it bad or good.

But I do remember my "real first" kiss on the street, gently sometime ago - whereby we both could feel we suddenly turned into 2 kids, standing in the street, stealing our first kiss - I think this first real first kiss worth more imprinting for me, than  my first first kisssss (which as I said, I couldnt remember who and what the heck was his name) hehe.

Hope it doesnt confuse U. But

Yes I am excited for my fren and I hope - we will continue to find our first real or real first. It's magical when we could have the first real of the first of everything. And we will always have something to look forward to in our lives. :)

Seeing the world in a blurry vision

Lately, people around me start doing the eye laser thing - so their eye sight could be corrected. Since my sis did it, I started thinking - if one day I would like to undergo such a seemingly low risk and forever clear eyes surgery?

My answer is NO!

I think, for me, I enjoy seeing things in a blurry vision, i do not enjoy seeing everything clearly so to speak. The flaws, the imperfection or even the perfection - I dont really want to see with my physical eyes. I guess, I use more of my invisible eyes. hehe

The above I wrote like weeks ago, but I am glad Mr Z isnt gonna go ahead with it. Well, it's practically low risk but as I said - I prefer the choice of being blurred. What's the point of hving clear vision when U cant even see your inner self clearly? Ie my thinking - not disregarding if U already have done so or going to do so. Honestly, maybe one day when my nerve is creased I would go ahead & do it too.

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I just realize I got many drafts on my blog so I am retrieving them or discarding them. :)

Quotation 1

I luv citation, quotes - sometimes they contain such a dense messages. So I am attempting to do some quotes here.....starting from 28Aug 2011, initially I wanted to wait for 10 quotes, but since the last one, I couldnt come up with any.....seems BCN didnt inspire me much. Maybe I will think of Gaudi abit more later.......so here U go the first 6. Enjoy. Brainstorm, Feedback. Thanks.

Ding Ding Ding - just to make my brain synapse more....

1. Sometimes, someone just mystify your existence.

2. I want to say I have been a 20 yo for past 40 years (when I reach 59 yo - and looking forward to 60 - not in vampire's aspects though)

3. If he's the ONE, you will know it ONE day, but surely not Today.

4. Real BOREDOM seems such a happy & remote moment. No Nothing seems such a luxury.

5. Missing "us" is a better notion than Missing "You".
"Missing" us is more melancholic moment that "Being" solo.

6. Which one is harder?
Fighting a war or applying diplomacy?
Both requires strength, wit & patience.
So I have no answer as I am not the leader of the world.
But, one thing I know, at times, in love,
To fight is so much easier than not to.

Battle Fields

There are sayings in chinese:

"A redundant field no one wants, once the filed has been plowed on, everyone fights for that specific field" OR

"the nextdoor bowl of rice always smells better"

Ie what I am feeling past 2 months. To update you on my experience on men:

1. Mr Linkedin - I told him I could only have a friendly meal with him like few weeks ago if he came to HK. But since then, he gchat me, gmail me - which he wouldnt be so diligent in doing so before. Now I told him - no nothing, he gchatted me alot. So today, he asked again - No date for me?! I replied - sorry, I cant. I hope he would leave me alone. I am abit frightened by over-zealous guyz. I am not 18yo, I dont want that. It doesnt make me feel special - wanting to make me feel special, write me a poem. haha...ie more 16 yo stuff, but it may work on me. I think it's so wrong asking me or maybe galz......if we would be willing to go on a date with him so many times when I already said I couldnt, wouldnt.....esp I start to feel he's psychologically disturbed. Who would be so desperate to get laid? 

2. Mr Korean - we didnt keep in touch for........................maybe thousand of years. I had a 2 week fling with him when I was in LA. It's fun & he's sweet. Tall, played bass. Ie the reason I went out with him, hehe. But.........when I left he said "we just pauseeedddd and we would start again once we meet". I was thinking, ie really convenient for u, man! But then I didnt think we would meet again. So some months later, maybe even some years later after I left LA, he sent me a msg asking me if I got a bf yet. I said, of coz I had. He said, didnt we agree we "pause" and "re-start" later? I said, it's funny for you to remind me that when you havent been in touch with me.....like for years. And now, he msg me again telling me he would come to HK by end of the year. Why tell me that? To "restart"? Shits, in his fucking dreams!

3. Mr A - my ex. Same thing as Mr Korean. How we broke up was funny enough. It explains how men r such idiots at times, thinking all women just pause and wait for their gigantic manhood to fulfill them. We didnt officially break up but since he went back to UK - we didnt keep contact for over 6 months, so what did I expect? Of coz I found myself another bf.....hahahaha.........when he saw my pic with him on msn (which was there for more than 3 months then), he asked - who is the guy next to u? I said - my bf. He said - ummmmm, so have we broken up??????? hahahahahahaha..........my god. Now he's coming back, thou he came back few times asking to meet with me, I always got thousand of reasons I couldnt. Anyways, will see this time....what reasons I could use.

4. Then of coz another Mr V - which I officially deleted him from my life. At first, he said he luved me...HUH!!???????? I got really scared by that as we didnt even have an official date. Then next, I told him, sorry man, I couldnt "be" with U. He then said, he just wanted sex. I said, sorry dude, I disliked the SP thing. Disgusting term for me. I am not a strict person but I prefer good connection above all else. He then said, OK, he would put me in other category - yes what other cats? I would be his companion for hiking, dinner, etc but no sex. hahaahahhaah.............................well, I said, ie fine to be a friend. But when he asked me out - he complaint about my unavailability for shagging him. Shits, I left right there, as I told him - dude, U r fucking boring. To lure a gal, U dont blahablah complaining. Use your tiny brain, not your small penis. hehe (I didnt really say that....:P)

5. Some others......which r not as ridiculous & funny............

(edited as forgot to mention the BIGGEST ASS OF ALL)

This guy I worked with - I could say officially he destroyed my career life 3 years ago. And I was always appropriate & friendly, as the usual me. Pretensious, endearing, co-operative, opinionated at the same time during work - ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I just realize he gossiped me to my another "colleague". :(
he said, I was not nice to him anymore since I knew he got married, which was like few months ago, but U know what he did after he got married? First he came to HK for basically to me no reasons - just to have meeting with me, then he insisted me to go to Taiwan with him in following week or som which I didnt want to at that time, as my dog was very sick. And when he came to HK that time, it was just weeks after his marriage - which I knew he was with his then gf for many years, though he told me all his betrayal secrets too.
But he hinted that I was into him to other people and now no more.....shits, what an ass. Yes he's french. But french isnt really like this I know. I think for surely he's psychologically disturbed with small dick. For sure. I never check so I dunno, but I guess if I am not into him, for surely my thrid eye could feel he has small dick! I am furious...what an ass to badmouth me like that, on top of other women he already badmouthed about. He's already 50.....is it midlife crisis or so?

ASS of the ASSES!!!!!
(thanks for lisenting)

I am not trying to brag, as I hvnt got much luck in dates or men for years. Yet, once something started, some funny coincidence upon coincidence occur.......though I am sure U hv something to say about women, I am fine with that, as many many coverage about women already said & done repeatedly. Coz they are all written by men. While, for women, sometimes yes we are more desperate coz we want to get married & have kids, blahblah. But aint we all ultimately just want to be less lonely on this earth? Why being so desperate? In shag or marriage? Will we be sure we wont be lonely after all these done & shit? But guess, yes surely men r from another planet, women from the next one........maybe if we could meet at the middle point, ideally, something wonderful could have been sparked.

Telepathy

I once had a story of 2 lovers who were apart, yet they could communicate via telepathy. I believe in such possibility. And I think somewhat I got that in my life. Certain times, I was writing something down - and this person would somehow send me a msg that kinda answered what I was asking or writing on the letter. 

Then, I kept hving dream of the same person today, for all 24 hrs. I mean if I did sleep for 24 hrs. One dream was quite weird, I was driving on the left side, must be BCN influenced, yet I cant actually drive. So I was stumbling on driving the car, which I could manage somehow - this car was that person's car, I also dunno why I was driving his car. Then, I looked to the right, I saw 2 french friends that I knew of in another car, next scene, they were already on my right seats. And somehow, they wanted to take over the driving, and it was like those fantasy dream in movies - one on the far right was kinda like whistling & dancing abit while moving around 2 things in front of the car- kinda like since now they are all the right hand side, so the tools should try to bend to the "left way". Then the middle gal was driving though the wheel was with me. It's kinda surreal. Yes also, there was no brakes - more like hidden brakes. And we reached a toll or something - and I gotta pay the toll , at the same time I opened a box of presents with many fruits in it - then I heard the telepathy message. He said I gotta no worries and he would pay for the toll and then also some other telepathic msg amongst the fruits. Weird......................

Gestures

If you want to see my pics in BCN, feel free to check out - https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150762562515507.716459.730940506&l=abd8905ae4&type=1

I realized from the pics taking with my "colleagues" - they are not my real colleagues, long story - I sticking out tongues alot, U know why....as a whole, I felt uncomfortable in the env, tongue is the cutest & best hiding mask to date for me.

As some europeans ask me many times, why HK chinese like to have a sign of "V" when they take pics. It's not just HK, basically it's Japan, HK and most parts of Asia.....coz apart from signifying "victory" which was supposedly the original meaning - but for asians, they are not comfortable being ourselves, hving a "V" is like having a gadget or tool to hide our face or our insecurity. I am not sure if it's correct, but I am pretty sure I am. 

Then brought me to a woman I met during the trip, she was super alienated from the team. The group pic she always stood a meter away from everyone. And when she looked me at, she would scan from my shoes to my head then back to scanning my face - super weird. But somehow I know she isnt a bad person - so I kept smiling to her, tried to strike a conversation. But after 2-3 days, I wasnt going to do more, then she started talking with me - hehe....actually she was quite interesting to talk to.

Also, this goes back to....sometimes how much people would do to alienate themselves from others, or making certain gestures to mask their insecurity or uncomfyness.

O well, human nature, I suppose. :)

Opinionated vs Complaint

Had a discussion with one of the bosses in BCN....:P

We were talking about french and he isnt. He said he liked french "complaining" or what he called - "frankness" style, yet I said, to me they were complaining more. Ummm, well, upto your judgement. But I do appreciate their upfrontness in what things they dont like most of the time.

however, is there a fine line?

Yes of coz, there's a fine line in everything. So I thought for few days what the fine lines are.

Being opinionated, yes hv frankness in it, but it raises a "thought" without much emotion. And genuinely, they believe in what their opinions are being represented. It could be judgmental opinions, of coz....but usually they use the brains to raise the "opinions". It's about his/her view on what's right or what could have been better.

While, complaint - it is generated with emotions together with opinions. I think it's fine to complain once in a while, and it's healthy to do it. However, if one indulges in such - everything isnt right, everything could have done better - there's not even borderline "being opinionated". It's actually polluting the world with negative thoughts & energy.

What do you think?

I am In Barcelona

Going to Spain was one on my list but now I am here, I feel nothing. Maybe it's coz it's a biz meeting, with some ass I am trying to find his loophole to....attack him....really. I hate him. I seldom hate but I am so good at faking smiles, hey brother, how r u doing? Everything OK on your side, blah. Anyways, just part of games one has to play in our lives anyways. This is my reality. Here, I am freaking honest, over the reality, I am trying to be as genuine, but I fake alot too....and sometimes I even seem ignorant. Anyways.

Yes BCN. Well, the weather is nice. Should hv some tour tmr or sthg. But it doesnt excite me alot. Frankly. And this place somehow reminds me of some melancholic moments I am experiencing - the forcing back to reality & giving up dreams. I mean I had a dream. I luv Out of Africa opening - I had a farm in Afirca. I always think, I want to start by saying - I had a dream in the alternate universe. :)

Yes BCN will forever remind me the drag & agony I am bringing with me. I hope it also means there will be renewal, revival of some sort within my soul or my heart.....embarking, ie what I am wishing for. I want to cry but I cant. I want to sleep but I cant. I want to drink but now wine makes me dizzy. I want to eat but food makes me want to throw up. (I am not pregnant....hehe)

 

Now I am no longer hoping to go to Spain, Prague....well, I will still go, but there are these few magical places I need to be...one day. I would see this as completing a dream someone drafts for me. And I luv the dream.......so, I want to put 2 songs here, both John Lennon. And I will write soon when I go back to HK or maybe tonite.....hehe.

Thanks for caring & stopping by. xoxo

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind

I did watch alot of movies, I mean....quite a number of movies, but still many a time I always miss some good ones, and thanks to my good frenz who love movies, they have endless suggestion or even free DVD or free service to download for me. And of coz, at times, with my best fren - Bruce, he would circulate the movie reviews to us. I am not very upto date what's coming up & so on, but I am glad I got good frenz.

So, last nite, I got the disc, should say my fren Dion lent me the disc. And I watched it from 6am, then by 8am, I cried for 15 mins. I always cry for such movies or plot - I guess it always reminds me of something, or some of my dreams or ideas. And of coz, the moments of trying not to "forget" something, trying to "fight" against the process of deletion - is something I am quite familiar with. Hence hving blog, hving letters are a good tool to assess to the memory. (I am a naturalist in deletion).

Yet, in the movie, the characters have to hand back in all the items, pics, letters, doodles in order to erase the memory that pains them - of coz, if it's so easy, we would all have gone through it somehow. Always, in our lives, we wish we would forget something....like we never lived that period. But it's impossible somewhat, of coz.

I think you should watch it if you havent, or if U did, re-watch it - esp if you are with someone, or desperately want to forget something - Is it all that good just to forget & erase?! Is there really such alienation between you & him or you & her that can't be saved? Why was it neccessary to forget the love you once felt & experienced? He/She is standing right in front of you. Make a choice to think - if he/she deserves your "working" once again? your "rekindle of luv" once again? I am sure most of you will say YES, he/she deserves! Then, go & do something!!!!! QUICK! NOW!!!!

I luv few quotes and sometimes I do think I am a concept but I am just an imperfect gal wanting to be perfected in her various little ways together with someone, maybe. 

And while, despite I claim myself a good deletion naturalist, it's just part of my survival skills. Someone taught me that, actually an indonesian that I met during the "riot" period in Jarkarta almost 10 years ago, I bid to his advice till today - always find a way SURVIVE. 

(umm, why I was there? Coz my reasons - wanted to see what riots or so called "wars" were like......and yes I was taking slight risks, as I was told they would rape CHINESE looking gals, but I went anyways. I saw many burnt bldgs. People were sitting sleepishly & aimlessly on the streets - I hated the look of emptiness in those pple's eyes. And I understood - they were dangerous, as in their head, there was nothing to lose.....)

And maybe its ageing or starting to understand abit more stuff - this phrase - Enjoy it! It's one of the toughest to say actually, becoz it makes alotta effort to really achieve. BUT, I find it to be most rewarding thing on earth if U could indeed be in it. :))

Have a great week ahead! xoxo

=============================================

 Some of the dialogue I like in there - 


Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

Mary: How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.  " the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"

Joel: Hi.
Clementine: Hi. Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again. I guess I thought you were... humiliated. You did run away, after all.
Joel: I just needed to see you.
Clementine: Yeah?
Joel: I'd like to, um... take you out, or something.
Clementine: You're married.
Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

Foggy Weather Foggy Mind

Hong KONG- FOGGED with RAINS & MISTS.

OK, keep pouring so can wash away the draggy humid firey hot atmosphere, I hope. I hope this rain is heavy enough that just wash away all the heat dispersed in every molecule around me and radiated from the ground. Heat reminds me of S'pore.

I hate S'pore. I spent 1.5 yr there, so I could tell you why I hate it.

Every freaking day, the sky pours a whole chunk of water to the earth, and maybe for 30-60 mins, POURED like they just want to kill all the living things on earth. OK, then next, the sun comes - SCORCHING the ground, just burn it within 5 mins. Yes, ie the time I usually got off work, right between the water all evaporated & the ground got really heated up. I hate the freaking refraction of of heat via the pool of water on ground, plus the evaporating earth. Every walk I took, it got me closer to suicide. Really. Of coz, boring lifestyle over there was killing me - so basically I became like a dry corpse. My bro asked me once - when he visited me there, why I looked like the sad movie star in a japanese movie - "Love letter".....hohohohohho........thank you bro, as I got so melancholized by this city!!

OK, sorry, I always find a chance to step on S'pore, as I got bad moments there. 

Yes, back to HK. Foggie....So Foggie.....My mind has become foggie too. The burger I ate yesterday - was supposed to be delicious, but I couldnt remember if I did eat it or not. I remembered I cried yesterday, but I couldnt almost recall why. I think I did sleep many hours, but I feel so exhausted and tried. Actually, I dont like memory very much....happy or bad, also dislike, hence I write, so I can chase back some past at times.

But when the situation is, you need to rely on memories - I need to reset my system. It's not something easy for me, as my brain doesnt really work like that. Guess some of you would be jealous of me, as maybe U spend too much time to linger to the past, as for me - I dont like to linger anything of the past, but of coz ironically I luv all the vintage stuff & stories, all the ancient civilization & structure....etc. Yet, within myself, I dont think I worth myself mesmerizing so much, U know. Well, yet, I seem to talk alot from my memories...

Actually, hardly anyone would believe me that I dont live in the past.......but my mind really doesnt work like that, at least for past 10 yrs. 

OK, so it's established. I am a confused, fogged being. 

Ummmm............Maybe I should step out of the rain & let it drench me. Actually I think I mentioned somewhere, I rarely take my umbrella out even I know it will rain. I let it fall on me....and I dont understand why some people got so scared, for freakin sake, just feel drops of the water which very likely were your sweat you shed during your shag 2 months ago, which now fell back on you....it';s a cycle, why so afraid to get drowned back into your own sweat?

hehe, sorry....my mind is fogged so I cant think of anything intelligent to write, but...sorry, I just want to type, u know. As I am bored & melancholic.

Procrastination Karma

I always believe in collecting good karma, but I feel I am collecting a bad karma - Procrastination. Due to laziness, or due to emotion - whatever reasons I could grab to justify why - I procrastinate. I start to feel the damages and I need to start from today to rid off it.

Our stolen 72 hours

Stolen moments are always sweetest, dont u think?

I got our stolen 72 hours, at least on my side, it's unexpected.

Being online, on par, on land, on same time zone together - to me it's stolen moments.

I find that the sweetest loving words are not "U r beautiful" or "U r my most important person", as somehow despite these are smittenly sweet, there could be some which will make U smile from the core. Such as "I luv U becoz the way U look at me, U make me feel like a woman", "I luv U when I see u looking at me through your glasses", "I luv U when U touch the hair on my arm" hehehehe......"I luv U becoz everytime U look me me, I feel like Don Juan".....

I guess, somehow, dont be cliche, dont be boring.

Say something slightly different to your lover or your wife or your gf & vice versa for the galz.

But to me, it's not the words. I think, I finally had it. It's just perfection, when U see yourself through someone's eyes - U see U have become whole, U are the perfected version of the best human kind, the most beautiful being - arrrghhh, that sensation is awesome!

It couldnt be

Maybe I was born to be a hopeless romantic. Well, I control my romantic genes most of my adulthood, as I know I could go crazy, for even things I dun like. Esp, I believe I would never meet something I really luv. It's fine. 

And so, when young, sometimes I read luv stories...stole my mom's luv story books, usually from taiwan, honestly they are freaking cliche. The gal is always always fair, with deep soulful eyes. Chinese dont really have deep eyes much....and the man is always very gentle or wild with rich background. So - after few books, I just knew these are shitty idiots writing for some other idiotic dreamers!! So I can tell u.....in my life I rarely read any luv stories. OK, I visited Twilight Saga - as I like vampire stories, ok, they r horrible books, and I basically skipped many pages - as I just like to read Edward parts, I hate that Bella part, so....in cantonese I would say "So mah lun fen", in english would be "fucking retard".

But this year, all my genes have flooded to the surface. As I said, someone very special gave me the Norwegian Wood, and so I started reading, still do....upto chapter ten. I have to say the author's choice of words, and description is pretty good, and it's a very basic luv story with slightly unusual characters. I hvnt finished it, so I cant rate. But one thing, now I understand why he gave me this book, as I could see me & him everywhere in the book, the conversation, our responses.....haha....pretty awesome.

I always fantasize something so out of the world thing, but when U clash with it. Then U would start to fathom if I am living in the real world or in matrix system. Anyhow, even recognizing it has made me feel very sad & lonely. It does to him too. Maybe I shouldnt mention here, but....I also dont really want to talk to anyone. So I feel by polluting minds via internet is the safest place for me, so I dont need to "feel" or try to be very rational when I talk about it. Yes, every time when I re-count something traumatising with people, I always sound quite logical that people wouldnt think I was in pain or on the verge of nervous breakdown. This is how I cope.....

So thanks for dropping by and reading. Pls dont ask me for details, for those who know me. I would tell u one day in a separate email, as my practice.

P.s, this week, really not in the mood of writing, I came back to edit many grammer or thought errors, which I usually rarely edit, as even I am not perfect, so freaking what!?!?! huh!!? but.....this one, too much errors even in the structure itself. Like a mad man gibbering on . I apologize!

I hate GoodBye

When I was studying in OZ, I was an overseas student, so of coz I mixed with alotta same kinda students, from different countries, such as M'sia, S'pore, or so on. And I always started crying....onceI knew they would be leaving OZ and going back to their home countries. I would feel so sad to know...."oh yes this is my last year" (I HATE THIS PHASE WITH UTMOST DETEST), I would start my moodiness even it's 10 months away. So, maybe it could explain why I never was happy there - always suicidal & depressive.

hehe.

Then, the other nite, I finally watched Taxi Driver. I got the movie for long long long time, but the title really didnt interest me much, and I am no fan of Robert Deniro. Anyhow, there was no other disc, so I watched. One thing that struck me was Robert character always said SO LONG when he was trying to say Bye.

And I started thinking......why english word is so weird...."So long", why? Where did it come from that equate to 'Goodbye"?!?! Then, spoken from his tongue - "the taxi driver" - I thought......maybe somewhat this "So Long" isnt a well-meaning goodbye. (So pls never use this word on me, man!) It may mean, hey dude, it's been so long freaking seeing U, I really dont want to see U any longer, so....Yes, SO LONG! :D

I dunno, I am just bullshitting as usual.

I started few entries, but none could be completed, as few things have been distracting me. Also, my mental being has flown to a very exotic country. Ai.......I will be back!

Thx for dropping by. :)

Eternity Away

Sometimes, we think we have eternity to dwell on a topic, or a life, or a love, or a youth , or many an hour, or voluptuous a minute, but we know.....it's not....or it is?!?!......we just could be less than a dot in the infinity of "time". 

I always share with my frenz...I should say "shared" as I was more zenith when I was younger- kinda like a buddha for some period as some quoted. I always shared with them not to dwell on the minute or the period, as when we looked from an infinity point of view, that stretch of time was really minimal & small & insignificant. What I was trying to say, I guess..:P...., was to encourage them to look past the situation or the moment of torment.

Yet, I have to admit, I always think I have a lotta time. Time to finish a conversation, time to get on with life, time to do something "meaningful", even time to love many times over all over again.......haha. Ummm.

There's this dialogue from this HK movie "Love in a Puff" (mentioned in one of my entries before) - the guy was telling the gal they got a lot of time to finish the topic....I remember someone told me that too. Then,

I somewhat think, why do I like questions - questioning & being questioned so much, as it just shrinks down the time and boil down to the major points. And maybe by that I could find my eternity within non-eternity. Yet, today, I am trying to find back a handwritten doodle from someone, I couldnt locate it. I realize, we dont hv the time, let alone eternity to talk or to explore....let alone questioning & answering.....it's just dissipating with time....

Then I did some search on the oldest cities of the world ie still being inhabited...(I am surprised China isnt in there), when U see, 1000BC, 4000 BC, 9000 BC.......I couldnt but feel amazed at our, indeed, undeniably small & tiny & insignificant being & existence. Who am I to talk about "time" like someone who knows!?!?

And, hence got me to think, sometimes someone would tell you you guyz would have "alotta time" to dwell, and other times someone would tell u, hey dude, we r running out of time. It's kinda ironical, when more U feel it's out of time, things become more intensive in a way......anyhow.....my again bullshitting.

So to reward you, I want to share this link with U, about the 20 oldest cities of the world. It's kinda interesting, and maybe you would plan to spend "time" to head out there.....to feel the "old"ness of the soul of the cities.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6242644/The-worlds-oldest-cities.html?image=10

And I once watched this movie - despite I couldnt remember a thing about the plot, it stuck in my head - the mood and I got the soundtrack - Eternity and a Day.



It grips my heart everytime I hear this - the loneliness, the eternity....of...etc etc...whatever U put at the etc.

History of the blog name

How I came about this name? It all started in 2007, 1 Oct. After a firework viewing from a Peking Road 1, my ex-employer's salon location, with wine & small dessert. I never liked fireworks that much honestly as the only thing fireworks remind me of would be NOISE, CROWD, RUDE PEOPLE - ie the situation in HK if U r not as well-off, U dont have luxury to book a hotel room or go to a prestige building with a fantastic rooftop. The best thing watching from the high floor within a bldg is that somehow the firework is level with U. It was exactly that moment, I was abit awe-struck. The fireworks was blossoming in front of me, without needing me to tilt or head up my heavy head.

And as I went home - I was sitting on my bed thinking (at that time, I was staying in some sorta studio flat, in an old bldg, the walls were painted orange). How I felt I was like a bird caged within this cage, with no ability to fly off. Of coz then, I was with my ex, he was kinda....how to say....useless in everything. He isnt stupid, but he's just useless. I'd sometimes rather be with people who are stupid and useless - seems more matching, U know. I have been with 2 of such ex-es, smart but useless. Sigh....I didnt manage to inspire them, ie my failure, of coz.

OK, back to my cage. So I was in agony that nite. I determined I would fly off, maybe till I could be exhausted to death, I still dun mind. I think......a caged legless bird is the most tortured being if not the most, shud be the top 3....they are born to fly, yet, they have no legs - yet people accuse them for being "not grounded" - I sometimes dont know how to respond to such "accusation" as I do understand where they are coming from, but then somehow my ground & their grounds are totally different, anyways. And they are like spreading more coal on already fired-up agony, anguish - these people, they shud be BURNT in hell, if hell is indeed made of fire, hehe.

Then to add on more salts to the wound, this bird has been caged & chopped off her legs by the society, or by family, or by world's values, despite she has been fighting it off. And she did allow all these to capture her into a cage, as she thought, maybe ie how one should be a human, anyways. or a real bird, anyways. 

Just try to imagine, a bird who is born to fly, being kept in the cage, WITH no LEGS. This bird is wounds all over everywhere, as she would be a mad bird just trying to balance at the same time to fly and to rest with no legs........................Lately, someone has been mentioning the word Phoenix to me, esp he said my tattoo looked like one. And I was thinking - today - when will be my turn to just fly off from the ash (from the cage) like the phoenix. Surely, I feel the time is close. Once it happens, my blog will stop, but will turn to another one, as it's going to transcend all I have written here. I am dying for that moment, as surely it must be an exciting episode of my life.

Hope U like my blog's name. :)

Understanding from Shattered Glass

As I said, I broke a glass pot yesterday and I managed to step on one broken piece and bled my toe. So, I did try my best to remove the broken pieces as I dont want myself or my dogs to step on the broken debris at all.

Yet, I tried to vacuum my place again today, as my dogs do shed alotta hair, hence I need some vacuum every few days, and I found one broken pc in an usual place, I mean it was far from where I broke the glass.

Then made me think - shattered glass is kinda like broken heart. At times, U think U have recovered, but the fact is, every once in a while, to your surprise, U could still manage to find the debris somewhere somehow. Not that U search for the pieces, but they would show up somehow, no matter how well U "clean" it. So, my resolution as I was "removing" that piece, maybe constant "probing" the floor (feeling) with regular vacuuming (detox or cleaning) would help to rectify.....and mend the broken heart as best as we could!!?!

No reasons but....he's Mr Deer.

OK. I fell in luv today! Truth be told with................my Mr Deer.

I went to an event, and I was supposed to offer my "professional" knowledge & my "personal" experience to the bloggers. OK. I like talking but I didnt sleep much the nite before, to keep level headed was quite a task for me! Anyways, I dealt. I did. I think they took some pics of me....YUCK.

I hope I would never freaking see myself in their blogs, that wud be embarrassing to the world. :P

But he's Mr Deer. He cant speak, of coz. And he can never be mine coz it belongs to the studio's owner. Yet, I cant help but fall in luv with him. And the fact is, I could only hv him for split second. Next other galz r going after him. SUCK!!!! U see for yourself. he's indeed so adorable. U can mount him, U can hug him, U can kiss him....hehe...luv it. Ok, maybe U can buy me a blowup doll as next Xmas gift.....:P

I think he's very lonely now, without my hugs. I had been hugging him the whole day. I mean, I am not a doll person, look at me, do I look like I like a doll?? But this one, without reasons, without logic, I just fell in luv.

Yesterday

1. I heard symphony in MTR - well, maybe U would name it noise, but it covered the noise of gibberish.

2. Bright light burnt my eyes in MTR as it went from tunnel to surface - it's the most amazing wakeup scene for me. Really shocked me back to life from my melancholic moment.

3. Someone drew me. I was featured like a superhero witch, with alotta blue hair. I luv it. The eyes were fierce, abit hysterical, yet moody.......but she's in for revenge & some killing. hehe.

4. I broke a glass and then stepped on a broken pc - bloody & broken, what else better to start a day?!

5. I went to a cafe, sat there alone, no...I bumped into a fren. Not exactly a fren, but my ex's ex gf.....hehe, quite ironically, huh??!! We chatted for like 30 mins. Kinda cool.

6. Sitting at the cafe, looking at the other empty table - kinda like an eternity away.

7. I felt pain in my heart. Pple wud say - gripping, crippling, excruciating, sharp, unbearable pain - yet today, I experienced for the first time lava of pains. Kinda like a growing bubble then POP - PAIN. That kinda gradually escalating pain then reached to its climax....kinda like a climax in a drama, really.

8. I looked at my phone every 15 mins for no real reasons

9. I finally started recording my idea on a book with one character (ME) in 3 characters, as I realize one thing - I can no longer use one personality to describe me.

10. Death came to me again but I treated it like my ex - fuck off, get away from me. I dont really luv u that much.

:)

Happy week, everyone!

This thing isnt for U, gal.

I had a weird conversation with my taiwanese fren (who used to be my supplier) few mths ago, and now we have become good frenz, both are sentimental beings anyways, despite, he always thinks I am impractical, yet likes my crazy impracticality......so, that day, 

I showed him a diary - the things I wrote down. He looked at me and said -

gal, it's not for U! This thing doesnt suit u.

I then said, why? U keep hving it......few at a time, why it doesnt suit me?

becoz U r U, U dont belong to this thing

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................................

As I pondered, I dont still get it why he said that, though I kinda do

certain things - people are born to deal with

while for some, it's better never to touch it

as it may destroy your being

Yet, I said, something is already cracked open

so, I cant really mend it back, paste it back anyways

might as well, just freaking dived in

As usual, everytime, he talks to me, he would end by shaking his head smiling

and I guess, one way he is admiring my crazy

one way he's disagreeing with "luv" with my idiocracy! :)

Ar, yes, I do hv many good frenz who luv me. :D

11pm

In 30 sec, it's 11pm. I am freaking agitated. Freaking agitated. Freaking freaking agitated.
No, I mean irritated, agitated, melancholic, crazy mood swing, writing spree (which I am writing in 3 different places), moody, legless, wingless, caged..........

Ok, thanks, I pollute your eyes, I feel relieved, now 11:01, I feel better.

Iphone camera - Self-Help

Someone asked me - who took your pics?

No one! Just me! It's true.....unless my dogs can hold my iphone still.

Iphone App -LemeLeme - best ever for me, anyways.

Self-pic tips:

1. Hold the camera button first - decide what angle to take, release it (actually, I once met with Eason at his concert, he taught everyone that)

2. take multiple, as for surely some r blurry

3. use your knee, feet, arm-length, etc etc...................

Rarely post pics here, as I want to separate  my alienated personality with the reality, but well, once in a while is an order, I assume. :)

Clarification of terms - Princess

Right. Yes, I know. Someone asked....:)

Thanks for asking.

I luv questions. I have obsession with questions....one of my sickness. I luv questions.

Is there a medical term for it? hehe.

Somewhere in my blog I did say I HATED being "labelled" as princess, as in HK - HK princess means air-head, retard, demanding, look-like a japanese doll (my version of it), brat, etc........

Honestly, I am all of the above so I dont want to be "labelled" as one, hehe. But well.

Yet, I also said, I wanted to be treated like a princess. I guess, I have to thank someone I met few months ago, he called me princess, and I actually luv it. While, once a fortune teller said, I should live like a princess (which of coz if I rejected my "fate" of being a princess, hence, since I rejected it, I could no longer be one - and it's very true, too, in a way....). And now, to be more precise, since I luv the book "Little Prince" as I just esp luv the 1st page of the boa hat analogy - since reading this book, I determined to keep the childlikeness even more than ever. And lately, someone has recognized that - hence I would like to be called "little princess" by my special someone ONLY.

Other pple, pls dont call me princess. Angels, sweetie, darling, or asshole (believe me, many men call me that!!!), bitch, brat, yuck...............yah, all fine......not princess, as it makes me goosebumps, man! hehe. Below is another funny version of how men see "HK princess syndrome" in youtube, check it, maybe U could learn something about us HK galz. :)

How to please a man

Mr Writer sent me a list he stumbled on some site, and he shared with me. hehe.

Inside the list, to please a woman needs 54 techniques while men just 2....(being naked & bring food)

Then U should know this list is written by a man or collectively by some men

Yet, it makes men sound like a retard, I mean worse than a retard. In my head, it's like U just bring someone standing in front naked, bring food to feed them, while they would be drooling all over....isnt it worse than ONE?? hehe.

Ok, below is the list, I think for women, it's somewhat true, but I just demand to be treated like a princess, and I will make U KING! :)

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend   2. a companion  3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master  7. a chef  8. an electrician
9. a carpenter  10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer
22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent
30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious
38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich
49. not stress her out  50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

---

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Muse - Supermassive Blackhole

This is to dedicate to My Milky Way - he's the most amazing man I ever met and he's like Edward a tortured soul but with a beautiful spirit. Luv U always, xoxo.



Anyhow, I always luv blackhole - it's the reverse of anything ie normal. No light. More like a fridge, in a human term, I think. Yet I always think.....if I could go into Blackhole, it should be quite a fun journey, everything in reverse. hehe

Nicolas Spark

OK, I read one of his books, watched two of his novel-adapted movies.

I like Notebook the movie very much coz both of the leads, but books?! YUCK. Cliche, Cliche, Cliche.....

But one thing, I found that he's pretty good at depicting summer flings

as U know why? Coz summer flings signify one thing - time is limited

hence, when u hv limited time, everything becomes excruciating romantic & intense

Ummmm......I got my share too, I think

hehe, it was pretty awesome

Maybe I wud go N get another book of his

to mesmerize the forbidden luv

hehe

Norwegian wood

Someone very special gave me this book and so I am starting reading it. IBut as I passed through chapter 2, I have a thought. Yes this entry isnt about the book, but....maybe an inspiration or something else from this book.

As was discussing with different people, about, boring people, some would name it. Some of us would name - zombie, gray people, and lately Naoto called it CloseBook. I think they are super names, it's very simple to understand what we are referring at. As I am reading, I remembered something I thought about years ago. How a similar event affects one to such intensity that they will need to use eternity to manage the pain or torture, while for the others they would gradually let the pain & memory slip through them very fast. Not that the latter gang has no heart, of coz they feel the anguish, but they dont have what I call - process in their heart & mind - in another word, somewhat their mind & heart are not in tune. Yet, in retrospect, they will view the the other group as depressive or negative or crazy. Or, just maybe the latter has unusual ability to handle, process, like a rice cooker, miraculously turning rice into rice.

As for me, how do I manage this intensity, guess I was born with a quite good deleting system?! I tend to process then delete.....I am not sure if it's good or bad, but since I have a blog, I would put my memory here. Then, I feel in somewhat I pollute the world with my thoughts & emotions, and hence I feel less agony & torture.

But as of lately, words have no more power over me. I am somewhat wordless & thoughtless. I have been taken on a ride, a ride I never prepared for. Yet, I feel somewhat it was pre-destined. All these 2.5 yrs or even these decades, I was prepared for this ride. Though, I cant yet figure out if this is just a transitional ride for another, then, yet.....I am thankful for adventures. For the moments of refining my ideas. My mission in life. My preparation. For understanding humans. For living with humans. For being a human.

Of coz, there's no right & wrong. It depends what's best way to feed your existence.

I am very curious.....from USA

Hi there,
I am very curious. Someone from USA has been reading my blog, and I want to know who U r and what U think of my entries and which one U like the best.
Pls send emails to dawn620@gmail.com
Million thanks. Thanks so much for dropping by.
Dawn

Posting Comments here

Someone told me they couldnt leave comments here. Ummm, I like comments alot, if I dont like them, I will delete, but so far, I hv never deleted one yet.

All U need to do is to click on the "comments" at the end of entry, or go to the entry directly - then U will see a comment box below.

Hope it's smooth, if any problem, just..........ummm..........leave me a msg at the comment. :P

Everything

Someone told me, I have everything. I said, like what?

He said friends.

Ummmm. I think he's freaking damn right. I have frenz.

Like, my best fren from Naoto visiting from Japan, we have been frenz for......more than......8 years? 9 years? And we never ran out of topics. The most amazing thing is.....we are always on different bridges of life, but we always manage to say Hi to each other from the other sides, then yelled - Hey man, dont go that direction or cross that sea, it's NOT good!!! 

Then, other great frenz like Tea, Bruce, J, roomate E, and etc etc, I cant really name them all here, but they should know they are in the list.

I think, I really need a monthly thanksgiving moment to stop & thank. I hope you will do the same, becoz, in life, we should strive to stay happy, live better, luv more.....it's a torture to do that for some (incld me) but....if we could enhance the good karma, we would reap best things in life.

OK, I am trying to be +ve at a melancholic moment, so pls cheer with me!! ^^

Did I get a wrong name? LOOK!

Or, I got the best name?

Darkest hour before dawn, my fren told me.
Then now, even on a book, sex at dawn?? hehe

how come, my name associates so much with....dark, sex, etc.
What not, they also hv a book maybe, rich with dawn, prosper in dawn, or procreate
without dawn.........

hehe

Long Long time Ago

I met someone, who was the most unusual man on earth

he told me he was not from earth

so I got intrigued and asked

where he was from

he smiled and hinted with a secret suggestion....

I could never understand till today what he meant, he just drew a sign in the air

he told me, whenever he wud go, he would buy me a present (if he was on earth)

or he would get me a "present" if he was not on earth, I mean when he was travelling to another....places (?!?!)

I never understood and of coz never believed in him

however, as the weeks, months, years went by

every once in a while, I would get a little box

boxes with stuff

I mean, some were just unsually weird, I couldnt make out of it what they were

and at home, I got a secret treasure box to keep all the stuff from the boxes

I never showed to anyone, as I am not sure if there would be radiation

I know I would be immune as he drew a sign on me

he said it was for protection

for any evil deeds

for any evil thoughts

for any evil energy

we enjoyed each other alot

we strolled along some darkest corners in HK

we visited some of the most dangerous terrains in Melb & China

he did go to visit me once in Melbourne and once in China, never in S'pore though

as he said S'pore wasnt for his physical acceptance

I still couldnt get what he meant

guess he somehow always needed to drink hot coffee, hot tea

he said coz he always had low temperature

ummm, I never understood what he meant, as usual

Yet, he adored & cared for me

one day he told me, he got to go back to his "place"

I asked where

he smiled & drew a sign in the air

then one more sign on me

then another sign above my head

I asked him why the heck he drew on me again

he said it was invisible ink

he said coz I always wanted to go to Orion

"it's not a place to be, my sweet luv. it's hostile & they are barbarian. More barbarians than u could imagine, esp U should never go alone. NEVER. promise me. So the sign is for preventing U to go near Orion. So promise me now, you would stay here!"

"OK, I promise." 

(ie why my name is Orion Belt, as I couldnt go near Orion.)

So, sometime ago, I received another box

and it was a bracelet

I luved it very much

inside a note, he never sent note

he said i was a special gal and never to forget that

i cried, becoz i knew it was for a goodbye

i am not sure till today if he meant forever or just for a while

but regardless i know he got places to go

i sometimes wonder if he would just astral transport himself

or he wud ride on some form of spaceships

but i say a prayer for him everyday until today

that i hope he wouldnt feel so cold anymore

coz maybe other "places" dont serve hot tea or coffee

Maybe he reads it here one day

he would knock on my door and grin with his most beautiful eyes

yes his eyes, are big & beautiful, unusually piercing

at least he pierced my soul many times

ummm, ok, just some sharing

as it's a secret I kept for long time

today, as such, a day I feel I want to remember him

to let him know

i still hope his invisible ink works on me

i need such protection from now on, even more

:)

A promise on a date by Faye Wong

Attempting to translate into english one, not done good job, as the lyric is just too beautifully put. I dont read alotta poems but sometimes lyrics to me is some form of poem.....:)

Another version by Jackie Cheung

還記得當天旅館的門牌 (Still remember that day, the hotel number & signboard)

還留住笑著離開的神態 (we were still smiling while leaving. the smile burnt in memory)
當天整個城市　那樣輕快　(that day, the whole city was so light)

沿路一起走半哩長街 (and we walked along the roadside for half a mile)
還記得街燈照出一臉黃　(still remember the street lamp shining on our faces making us 

look yellowish)

還燃亮那份微溫的便當 (also lighted up the warmth of the food eatery store on the side)
剪影的你輪廓　太好看　(Looking at your perfect silhouette )

凝住眼淚才敢細看 (I had to control my tears to look again in details)

* 忘掉天地　(Forgetting the heaven & earth)

彷彿也想不起自己　(even, seems I forget about myself too)

仍未忘相約看漫天黃葉遠飛 (but I dont forget our promise, our date to gaze at the yellow

 leaves flying, roaming, dancing in the sky)

就算會與你分離　淒絕的戲　(even though I will have to separate from you, such a sad movie

....)

要決心忘記　我便記不起 (if I have to, I can forget, I wont remember)
明日天地　只恐怕認不出自己　(Tomorrow, the heaven & earth - I am just afraid I cant 

recognize myself)

仍未忘跟你約定假如沒有死 (But I dont forget our promise if we are still alive)
就算你壯闊胸膛　不敵天氣 (despite, you may not be able to fight the enemies of weather,

 of time)

兩鬢斑白　都可認得你* (till your hair turns grey, I still recognize you)

還記得當天結他的和弦　(still remember that day the smooth rhythm of guitar playing)
還明白每段旋律的伏線 (and there N then, I understood, every musical score has its 
designed set & climax)當天街角流過你聲線　(that day you left your voice resonanting at the street corner)

沿路旅程如歌褪變 (along the journey, just like a song fading away......)

Faye Wong revisited

Every once in a while, when I am slightly moody, I will revisit Faye Wong's old songs. Since she has all the torturing lyrics in almost every song........I really think I need to go to Karaoke, I mean I talked about for months, but didnt really get to really do a good song rundown...(singing). I need to go solo this time, I believe....haha..........

 (Chinese) chess

Saying how she has been controlled by the person, and using chess as an analogy of how. She isnt even the top "general" but just a little "soldier"

No regrets (just let me continue on my crazy)

I specially luv this song since long time ago- I could just play with the guitar(not gd at that, as know few chords), but....I think the match was very good. hehe.......I was more thinking about how I lived my life, back then, not so much - maybe it's a luv song....but to me, it;s more a self song.

Depicting how determined she is to continue on the journey , she's asking everyone to allow her to do whatever she is doing. Even there cud be tiredness, regret or whatever, but it';s no other pple biz, but hers one & only's.

I am Willing

Describing the most lonely, breathless & dark nights missing the love - asking just wanting to stay put for more one more second, and willing to be a outcast or even forget names......

Life

I find this to be a positive song, like singing to your kids, giving wishes to them - every tear, every dream U have will not go in waste, though life isnt rainbow, but all wishes go to them that they will continue to smile

Guarding the wheatfield

I LUV THIS SONG, as no one would fight with me to sing this, as I blasted the music to max, and everyone wud be deaf by then....yes my own version of singing. hehe.......I actually hvnt really heard her sing the whole song, this wud be the first time.....hehehehe.....arrogant hysterical bitch (me)!

Your are happy so I am happy

I luv this song - very goofy. Luv this kinda beat songs....very lazy, relax, like I could be napping on a old, vintage sofa on a Tue afternoon in Melbourne at the Fitzroy district.........

ENJOY!!! :)

No Longer

I am, no longer, heard
I am, no longer, overheard
I am, no longer, recognized
I am, no longer, known
I am, no longer, brought
I am, no longer, taken
I am, no longer, seen
I am, no longer...no longer.....

Smitten, kitten, very kitchen
ar, yes
abit
melancholic
but, I am gonna be alrite, yes, in due time

For your Love

Not sure if U watch Ally Mcbeal, one scene with a gal playing piano singing this song, I just fell in luv. I like her version 1000 times more but I couldnt find on Youtube, and Ed Townsend seems to be the original. The lyrics is cliche and boring but I like it.

And then read Paulo's quote on luv......I think it could continue on, but....still it rings!

Paulo Coelho

Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused

Ummmm, another oldies, enjoy! :)

For your love, oh, I would do anything
I would do anything, fo-o-or your love

For your kiss (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh), oh, I would go anywhere (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
I would go (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh), anywhere, fo-o-r your kiss

More foolish I grow
With each heart beat
But we all get foolish
That's why I repeat

For your love (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh), oh, I would do anything (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
I would do anything, fo-o-or your kiss

I would do anything, fo-o-or your love (anything, anything, anything)
Fo-o-or your love
(ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ooh)