on Full Moon

Criminal thoughts are boiling up.

Werewolves world is getting agitated.

My world? Alone & Lonely. hehe.

So I am going to take my dogs out to gaze at the moon when it's dark & all.

I never really care about festives very much as it's just a date set from long long time ago by some King or tribal leaders to get people do some ritual together. I am more hoping some new festives I may derive for myself one day....I mean some should be evil ones, or maybe some are some sorta anniversaries or something.

Honestly, I also dont care much about bday or anniversaries. I sound like I dont care about anything, rite? hehe, it's partly true. Only when you see the value in sharing it with someone you love, then everyday becomes a festive. This year - hard to say, I am not meant to share with that someone. Sadly. :(

So I am lonely. Today.

I never really desire to share this Full Moon with my ex-es, rather, they would buy lanterns for me. I always just shrugged it off, as it's not fun for me. But this year, I want to gaze moon with that person. hehe.....yet he's not here, not yet a reality. Sadly. I would call him Mr Gazzi here, well, abit like Mr Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, you see. :))

I miss my Mr Gazzi. I mean I miss us together. I never miss "us" together. I think, the taste of missing us is abit traumatising for me - as it's no longer an imaginary world. I had my imaginary world before, I talked to my imaginary lover, or lovers, hehe.....we would do our imaginary talks or stuff together. Sounds crazy? No, I think it was quite healthy. But then lately, I also realize one thing.

I roamed around the world for so many years, today I was woken up - I guess with knowing Mr Gazzi character does exist does shock me to awakening, indeed. In the past, why all my relationship fails, it's simple - as all my ex-es said the same thing one way or another that I projected such a huge expectation upon them. Yet, I never felt I imposed anything on them.....truth be told, if people who knew me with my ex-es, e.g. Bruce, he could testify one thing - I was a great gf with basically limited expectation. For e.g. I never really cared what profession he had or if he got a car or which university degree he got or how much he made or if he's going to get married with me, or etc etc etc etc - I mean in HK - how hard to find a gal like me so absent-minded with all these things. hehe.  Honestly, even if they told me above, I would forget in next 5 mins. :) So all my frenz did reprimand me to be more realistic or whatever.

I also dont feel I am not realistic, one thing - I know I will never end up with them. I am just a character to play in their lives, I always feel - maybe by giving my compassionate love, this person could become a better person. Yes, like so many other galz, I had a saviour complex, but maybe to guys - if they could understand women better, we just wanted to be a mom to embrace U....but to guyz, this behaviour is really tedious, they love it & they hate it, so you guyz would say - "women like to be busybody and try to change me".

But I guess, at the end - I knew & I know they couldnt match my imaginary lover, or that particular person in my real dream (not day dream) when I had that dream at 14, or 16, dont recall. It's kinda enchanting.............I just remember his eyes.

Yet,

Say to your lovers or your gfs today - that thanks to them they want to change you on this Full Moon day, it signifies "metamorphorisis" or "shifting" (my versions) - thank them for being a woman, thank them for being so busybody, thank them for trying to make U become a better person. BELIEVE me, tonite, you will have very good orgasm!! 

I quit my saviour complex now, I need someone to save me, to shower me with alotta compassion. Frankly, I am tired..............I feel I have driven hard with pride these years, today, I am tired. I am abit afraid to lose this inner strength to fight tomorrow literally. 

So even people dont really do that, but I am going to make not a wish but few wishes to the moon. Oh yes, when I was studying in Melb, at night while walking home, I always talked to the moon. And I remember I wrote few entries of journals about that. The moon to me is a HE - so he's been with me, protected me, watched over me.

So today, long time no talk to the moon and ie what I am going to do - I will ask him to grant me my wishes. My current profession endeavor - pls solve within 2 weeks. My love - will be mine in reality. My friends & family - will find joy & peace. And as for me, I will be wiser, cuter, more witty, more creative, better vocab, finally could pen down my book idea........within next 12 mths, then....maybe abit greedy - if I hv been granted 30 years more of life, I just have this special wish which will be known between my Moon & me.

Happy FULL MOON everyone!! May you enjoy the FULL MOON magic......not just today but everyday!

Love, xoxo