One more special blessing in 2011

I met a group of new frenz yesterday. U know, I am not bragging but yes I am pretty proud of it. 

Many times, my frenz introduce me to their frens, of coz as eloquent as I am, I always charm most people who are genuine & open-minded. Their frenz will usually end up telling me, they really like me. And I think it's good for my fren so that he/she will have confidence to continue to introduce me to more. And I guess, to me somewhat apart from me having a fabulous personality & intelligent mind & vast range of topics (which I am never good at the details, but I am quite good at expanding from one point from my own views - pracrice from University), I listen intently from what they have to say.

Like last nite, I really wanted to go to bed early. But due to my good fren's bday so I went to the studio to surprise her. Believe me once I sat down, I sat down. I left there at 8:30am. I was talking to my fren's frenz for straight 10 hrs, within which 6 was between a guy (my fren's fren's bf) and me. We talked from childhood, to their r/p, to the end of time, to raising pets, to parents, to marriage, to drugs............. My fren's fren was worried that I was so bored. I said No way, how hard it was for me to meet someone who had such a clarity of mind of what he went through & was so sensitive to the world & people around him. By date, I gotta say I would be the only person that I know who was so intense in such awareness (not that others dont have but then i repeatedly reflect, act, re-examine, observe, feel, pain, then find solution then verbalize it) so I am so happy to meet my twin. I luv pple hving their own weird way of thinking which stimulates my mind that I want excel. Around us, we are indeed lacking so much of these stimulations at times.

Actually his gf has very complex personality too and she's so genuine & frank that I so adore. I told them I felt their r/p (not to many pple eyes) would be my fairy tale. Somehow, oddly, their r/p makes me want to have one of those one day - I never really hv much of this feeling past 10 yrs. So it's so good for me.

Again I am blessed. Just within 1st month of 2011 - I got what I never wish I would have. Universe, pls keep it coming. Thank you so much!!!!!!!

Co-incidence, coincident not?

This is how the story goes.

I got the nicest compliment about my brain tonite for 2011. Things are looking up, within less than 3 weeks, I got things I never got for past 6 years!! My goodness.

OK! I went to a nice bday dinner at Hunghom, actually just rite at my french date's place. Well, I didnt really bother to text him to say, hey I am here dude. After the dinner, I went to meet another guy who had been asking me out for a drink for 6 months. I thought, I was abit dull and January is my only crazy drink month as the rest of the year I wud prefer to stay focuz. So I went back to Central to meet up with him, thought maybe just had 2 drinks then I would be gone. Oh goodness, at that bar which I rarely went - I SAW THE FRENCH DATE TOO. LOL. So funny but I didnt feel embarassed..............anyways................wont want to say more. hehe

Then, just 30 mins ago, I got an urgent msg from a fren. She wanted me to call someone who wanted to commit suicide. This guy has his shares of problems, big ones too. I would say mine was 50% 2 yrs back. Anyhow..........it's weird after 2 years I gotta encourage someone not to kill himself. I am still at the bleak of curing myself from the tendency. Anyways, guess the universe is telling me - I am doing great. See, U got the tough strength now.

Again, I am so happy. I feel very content as of this moment. Life is gonna be great. It's gonna be tough but it's gonna be fabulous.

i RETARDED

OK, I started 3 posts here within an hour but none could get finished. I got an idea but after 2 lines I didnt know what I actually wanted to say, haha. Me so retarded, huh!!?? So what I am gonna do is just doodle everything here.

1. Acknowledging it

Was talking to a good fren about confidence. I felt somehow I needed to work hard to attain it. I wasnt born with it, with my family background & their sarcasm of coz wouldnt give any maxium edifying results to it. Then, after living on earth for a while, we got bumped by work or frenz or lovers, arrr, that would be the killing dose sometimes. I am fortunate that I am kinda like ah Q person - I usually forgot about it, however, subconsciously it did wound me. I think the best way to solve it is to aknowledge it, not being shunk from it, then next steps.

I dunno about next steps also, basically each person uses different ways. For me, I do need some compliments or encouragement to pick myself up again. It's like some ignitor. I know a self-independant woman shouldnt ask for that - Hey, exactly my point! Why not? I acknowledge it my pb and now I ackowledge my method for making me feel good.

2. Being Available

We are all an island, alone, as a being. Me, a loner. However, I do need some attentions once in a while. Not attention from guyz....nonoononn........but I do appreciate deeply people who would make themselves available to me. Like my gd fren C, she's always on gchat, we whatsapp each other often, we have made ourselves available to the other person. Or, I call my TWN fren asking when he would be in HK. He's a busy man, very busy man. I cherish that despite he knows it's me, he picks up the phone.

Actually its important that we do get ourselves surrounded by pple like that, then we know we are not that lonely. The fact is alone & lonely has big different. I dont get lonely feeling alot, as I have people who will spare their moments to read here or to msg me once a while or call me here n there. I feel loved & fulfilled actually.

3. I forgot what I wanted to write. haha.....doesnt matter la. Now as of this moment I feel very hungry. I just had some plain yogurt with pomegranate+banana. It makes me feel I am onto some healthy spree. But my coffee dosage is on the rise daily as I really prefer the bitter taste of things nowadays..............

Sorry, I actually feel this is a very boring entry. But ie how I feel now. BORED.

Jan 2011

I got some sorta fun experiences within these 3 weeks. It's good that so much has already happened within 3 weeks, I guess my 2011 should be fantastic. I am proud to say that the first month of the year doesnt pass by without some results.......I am getting so excited, my frenz!!!!!

To Drop Dead

Today, this thought came to my mind again. I dare not even quiet down to think or to feel what I am feeling. It's crazy. Crazy.

I dont like to drink alcohol actually, but I feel I am drinking more than ever without feeling a thing. I even smoked weeds, NO FEELING. NO FEELING AT ALL. I dont feel a thing.

After I feel abit tipsy from alcohol, I could only SLEEP 3-4 hrs, then I would wake up - couldnt go back to bed. It's horrible.......I dont incline to become alcoholic but isnt it easy to be one when you are at such stage?

What is FREEDOM?

I know it long time ago, freedom without boundary is boredom. U need boundary to enjoy the real freedom.

Give it some digestion.

I dunno, I always want people to see this movie "Unbearable Lightness of Being" - that's it. It means just that.

Tipsy, but not drunk

IS THE BEST FEELING!!!!

Suddenly the world becomes transparent. The clarity within is extraordinary. When I die, can someone promise me that they will publish my emails, my blogs, my stories? O also my letters. I lost my diary.......which was depressingly genius written when I was in OZ.

To be very frank, after my last ex, my sex drive became subzero. I was proud of things about myself, now no more, but recently, thanks to a french, I got vindicated. Maybe I shouldnt say it here, but the feeling was fantastic when U are no longer in your own jail. I am like a prisoner in parol - trying to fit into the normal lifestyle, it's freaking difficult for me. I dunno if pple get my meaning. It's not abt my ex - it's about my family + my ex-es. But also, no....it's the bondage I put myself into. What the heck?

Actually, I am not that intelligent. I also got envious with people who have Einstein brain. I hate it to know I dont hv the mc square equation inovated.

As I said, in our lifetime or this era, we are moving so quick, so stuffed that we are actually living more than one lifetime. It's horrific, rite? But, as I was talking to a guy who turns 50 in few months. He dissect our life into 4 stages.
1. Learnt fr others - 0-20
2. learning by yourself - 20-40
3. Making people suffer 40-60
4. Redemption 60-80

I cant say I totally agree with the stages or definition but it has a grain of truth in it.

Treasure your life, Enjoy your moment, Stay sad if you need to but give yourself a timeframe (everyone has to feel pain, dont bury it at all, feel it before you move on), keep posiitve energy, smile more often, have a pet, kiss your lovers, hug your family.....................................

ok. thanks for listening to my bs again.

Luv in a Puff

I watched this movie on a pirated dvd a month ago, arrgghghhh I thought it was OK, unlike everyone around me I didnt feel excited by it. So, I was bored at home during the weekend and kinda wanted some sweet romantic comedy to lighten up my day- not in english thou, I want something cantonese. Of coz it would be my 1st choice.

And maybe it's this song. Just maybe. They had a scene at K room singing the song, it just couldnt get outta my mind, so I rewatched the movie with director's commentary. It's kinda intriguing from what he said, yet it's so true.

1. The romance is great as it's at the guessing stage - aint we humans pathetic? We like the torture of guessing games.

2. Love usually springs from a small misunderstanding

At the love hotel scene:

the guy said: not everything has to be done within a day, it's not like we dont have time

the gal : "smile sweetly & fall asleep"

THE TRUTH - the guy of coz wanted to have sex with the gal, if not, why would he bring her to a love hotel, yah!? Yet, he actually bumped his penis to a car window so he was sore = couldnt perform. Then, the gal was already so sweet and thought this guy was so so fantastic that she couldnt help but fall in love -> misunderstanding.

But at times that's how life draws us to the beginning & conclusion.

"Dont you just hate it when reality bites"

Starting off like this......

Someone posted on Facebook - "wow, couldnt believe now 80's is considered as 3 decades ago"

Another replied ; "dont you hate it when reality bites?"

O MAN!!!!! 80's is considered 30 yrs ago now. MY GOODNESS. Anyways, the next is suddenly I get the meaning of reality bites!!!! Am I retarded?? Totally!!!! I watched this movie back in Melbourne I guess, alone, of coz. During my 20's, I never liked watching movies with anyone. I was very affected by this movie as I was Gen X, god knows the definition but I could feel it. Crossroad, Cross-over, Crossdress..............etc. It's the vibe within that affected me, until today I believe....I didnt know it until today. Trully, reality could bite (cliche!! but True).

I quickly searched PPS stream if they got the movie on and it was awesome as I found it. I am gonna run down to HMV still though or ask my fren-Dion who always almost has 2 copies of great movies, maybe I could get his non-bluray copy! After 3 decades, I still find this movie awesome, original, fantastic..............................

Next I started to think.......what these 2 characters at the end ended up (my idiotic mediocre mind wandered to such, pretending to be a great scriptwriter or director) - the guy would go and find a stable job as they realized they were pregnant within a year. The gal would work in Gap or Guess. After another 10 years, they would both have affairs and they divorced...................I think this is the true meaning of the movie....the reality.

Not Easy.....

To substain one's belief and life direction - on the path, you would face so much obstacles. I couldnt help but asked myself often if I would be willing still to endure. My answer so far is still YES, but I am indeed afraid. Indeed.

My fundamental flaw.....

I believe, if it's a fun word would be "mysterious", bad word would be "directionless" or "a bird" or "a butterfly" or whatever ie floating on the water - like water lily or floating algae.

I dont get it why I would give people that kinda impression (though I do understand abit as well). One described me as "if I would date you, I would be afraid that you may be gone suddenly" - it's said by a gal fren, actually. Then bosses usually find me......everywhere.....

Sometimes such things confuse me. I know I am not very grounded as a person, as how can I? When I know I am a caged legless bird??

I think one of my another problems is nothing threathens me much. So I dare to say basically anything........I think this is a mistake. I shouldnt do that anymore. I should shut up and when I speak, I only focuz at selling myself.

My fundamental flaw........

Dejection & Rejection

Just let me whine here little bit. Ar, no....Id better not talk about it. No, I want to talk about it. hahahaha

O well, I felt abit dejected as my effort in a company was regarded as something intangible. You know I hate this word GUTZ, as it's not first time I heard about it describing me. Ie why I changed from doing background jobs to sales jobs more nowadays. However, I am indeed good at attaining details, fixing things - I was regarded as a good fireman material. However, as many self-help books say, dont be a fireman. The thing is I am not just a fireman, I am also a constructor. I dont just extinguish the fire, I would fix up the things too.

Anyhow, ie the reality when you put your heart out there............anyways.

Something fun happened few days ago. It was fun but also left me with some confusion. As usual, I didnt plan for it, but when it happened, it kinda disrupt my routine. I didnt like it entirely, thou I would continue with the fun when I have decided my next steps shortly.

Scars

Paulo Coelho

Don't complain because our scars are our medals. But hit back whenever it's possible, because we are not saints.

 I havnt really read or finished one of his books, it's always halfway. But I really like his quote. As I conclude my past 2 years venture, I realize that I am left with alot of wounds/scars.....whatever you name it. But I am not dismayed at all, for those who did talk with me recently (very few, one or 2 frenz) - I am so proud of myself for very one thing - is that I didnt complain about my fate. 

If you know abit about wounds & scar - lets say you keep hurting yourself your body will heal itself over & over. However, you will leave with scar tissues which are pretty rough skin. I always thought about it when I was in my early 20's, as I went to church. There's a song called -----shit, I forgot, but somehow the lyrics goes - asking God to soften our hearts (oh, wait, was it in a prayer? :P). I remember ie usually in my mind all the time, as my heart was pretty hardened (though on another face of my heart, it was bloody soft, dripping with blood). 

 As for now, I am in H&B business. Few buzz words always intrigue me. Inflammation, Infection, De-pigmentation, de-scar, anti-ageing................do you know that they are all inter-linked? keke, I cant tell you why as they are my medals to make money!

My good friend - Naoto

Not sure if he would have the time to read or not. I gotta say meeting him was "yuen fun "some 5-6 years ago, at least, I guess............

We both have very similar worldview in many ways. We go through ups & downs at different time, but usually they are pretty similar at times. Sometimes he had it 1st then he could share his experience with me or vice versa.Talking with him each time is so refreshing, as he's a great listener, and I luv it whenever I talk, he always laughs his head off. He makes me feel I am very humorous and also very entertaining. He's a very sensitive person, even more so than me that makes him such a unique person as he understands sufferings & pains, as well as joy & luv.

I guess we both at the moment at a crossroad. Truly identifying who we are & what our role is.We struggle at our own different ways, for him being a japanese isnt an easy task as he has to go against his own self to fit into the more tradional way of Japan. It's been tough, since he got back there for 3 years. Yet, the strength of believing who he is in that world needs extra effort & will-power - it's much easier to be in HK.

And I trully hope that with his new-found clarity of his role being there would be strengthening each day as he walks his path. One thing, being different is so lonely, yet we are not alone.

Dog's outfits are more expensive

But I just cant help it.........need to get ready for CNY..........ah mom not easy to be!

Inexpensive quality living report 1

Well Well.

1. Ikea coffee powder, 10$ per pack. Go & grab one while it lasts. I find that the coffee taste is quite OK, cant expect much when you dont even have an expresso machine. The magic is on the milk. I use 3.7 Hokkaido milk. 

2. Import & Export Outlet in CWB. I luv dropping by there once in a while, I bought a pretty nice & comfy hoodie at 39.9, and very sweet hoodie tee at 20. Then today, I got a vintage looking leather jacket for 168, which I gotta say not many would dare to wear this color......it's very oldie, - kinda prawn meat color but I am gonna make it stylish.

Me & leo luv leather jacket and he always gets those v inexpensive ones, despite some are faux leather. I think mine is real, I will let Leo check it next time. However, I am in a race with him now (on my own accord) to beat him getting cheaper jackets. hoho...........actually, what was I thinking?? Why I spent so much money on leather jackets in the past?! Shitty me............

2011: Manual for conserving paths

By Paul Coelho.

1] The path begins with a crossroads. There you can stop and think what direction to follow. But don’t spend too much time thinking or you’ll never leave the spot. Reflect a lot on the choices that lie ahead, but once you have taken the first step, forget the crossroads for ever or else you will always torture yourself with the useless question: “did I take the right path?”

2] The path doesn’t last for ever. It is a blessing to travel the path for some time, but one day it will come to an end, so always be prepared to take leave of it at any moment. However enraptured you may be at certain landscapes, or scared whenever you have to make a great effort to go ahead, don’t get too used to anything. Neither to the hours of euphoria, nor to the endless days when everything seems so difficult and progress is so slow. Don’t forget that sooner or later an angel will appear and your journey will reach an end.

3] Honor your path. It was your choice, your decision, and just as you respect the ground you step on, that ground will respect your feet. Always do what is best to conserve and keep your path and it will do the same for you.

4] Be well equipped. Carry a small rake, a spade, a penknife. Understand that penknives are no use for dry leaves, and rakes are useless for herbs that are deep-rooted. Know also what tool to use at each moment. And take care of them, because they are your best allies.

5] The path goes forward and backward. At times you have to go back because something was lost, or else a message to be delivered was forgotten in your pocket. A well tended path enables you to go back without any great problems.

6] Take care of the path before you take care of what is around you. Attention and concentration are fundamental. Don’t be distracted by the dry leaves at the edges or by the way that others are looking after their paths. Use your energy to tend and conserve the ground that accepts your steps.

7] Be patient. Sometimes the same tasks have to be repeated, like tearing up weeds or closing holes that appear after unexpected rain. Don’t let that annoy you – that is part of the journey. Even though you are tired, even though certain tasks are repeated so often, be patient.

8] Paths cross. People can tell what the weather is like. Listen to advice, and make your own decisions. You alone are responsible for the path that was entrusted to you.

9] Nature follows its own rules. In this way, you have to be prepared for sudden changes in the fall, slippery ice in winter, the temptations of flowers in spring, thirst and showers in the summer. Make the most of each of these seasons, and don’t complain about their characteristics.

10] Make your path a mirror of yourself. By no means let yourself be influenced by the way that others care for their paths. You have your soul to listen to, and the birds to tell what your soul is saying. Let your stories be beautiful and pleasant to everything around you. Above all, let the stories that your soul tells during the journey be echoed at each and every second of the path.

11] Love your path. Without this, nothing makes any sense.

My NY dreams

I had two....

First dream was that - it urged me to lose weight!!! OK this is my 2011 goal then.

Second dream was abit sci-fi again. I dreamed I was in a car, when it stopped, I went out. There, I saw a sky-high tower (in a fast zoom motion when I saw that). Then the bottom, I saw a glass winged man. Very beautiful glass wings. He was instructed by the "master" to lure me to jump down from the building then I could be like them - having the glass wings. However, the glass winged man didnt want to follow his instruction and took me back to reality....................then I started to have other dreams.......

First Cantonese Song of 2011

A new song I just learnt, cant sing it yet but I quite like the lyrics



lyrics:
Rubberband - 發現號


撞進了冰山 捲上了急灣 一秒從未想折返 就望到了 就能望到了 終會踏足這峽灣 劃破了風衣 丟了救生衣 未曾想過會倖免 若生於某個 總擠不進我地點 註定遠征一遍 這發熱汗腺 也都乾透了 雙腿卻繼續狂放 在衝出那人浪 幾次被埋葬 窄巷中 復活過幾趟 留一口氣講 再失敗 至懂看透 那不甘 去為我來營救 向著太陽狂走 撞進了冰山 捲上了急灣 一秒從未想折返 就望到了 就能望到了 終會踏足這峽灣 劃破了風衣 丟了救生衣 未曾想過會倖免 逆光中進發 不甘安置到盲點 上路去再實踐 板塊移動了 亂世中絕地裡反抗 誰躲於暗光 直到失敗 至懂看透 讓那不甘 去為我來營救 向著太陽狂走 撞進了冰山 捲上了急灣 一秒從未想折返 就望到了 就能望到了 終會踏足這峽灣 劃破了風衣 丟了救生衣 成全這最美歷險 逆光中進發 不甘安置到盲點 上路去再實踐 撞碎了冰山 衝過了急灣 登上完夢的峽灣 望到了 望到了 白雲搭上一片藍 記載了凶險 傷勢也不淺 腳踏這裡這一天 歷史中結算 一心走出錯地點 幹下遠征一遍 

Another 600+ odd days to go

Actually, 2011 means alot to me.

It's a lookout to 2012, a giant step of my curiosity about the Mayan calender thingie. I trully believe that something would be opening up. I hope it's going to be our spirtual awareness, rather than nuclear bombs.

It's, I believe, a closure finally of my 2 year of suffering.

It's also the closure of the past 10 years of relationship stuff..............cant say I got too much but they were all pretty burdening. I believe this year it's going to be brighter, lighter, prettier

It's a beginning of very crucial 10 years for me - I cannot waste another more of one second of my life here onwards.

I dont know why, but I feel alotta excitement bubbling within my soul. :D

Huge Virus

It's roaming around the city. Everyone is sick. At least people around me. 4 out of 7 within my family are sick. I am sick of coz. I slept for > 30 hrs just on Xmas & Boxing Day - it's a gift to me though, haha, as I usually didnt get to sleep so much in one go.

So pls beware!!!!! Stay Healthy & Fit.

Take Care, My friends!!

Happy NEW YEAR!!!!

I havnt thought of any resolution yet.
But my Japnese fren asked me the day before if I fulfilled any of my 2010 resolution, I said NONE. But, haha, he actually corrected me, as I did manage to fulfil ONE - ie no dating, no anything for 2010. I did that!!!!! Yippeeee..........though to be honest, I think I did manage few of my goals. However, the few I wanted the most, didnt get them done, coz some of the circumstances were beyond my control.

2011, my 1st I thought of was on NYE. I hope I would be still working in 2011 on 31st till 11pm. Even more better would be I could have a flat with a patio or rooftop, so I would be working in my home office, and my frenz are enjoying themselves with BBQ, alcohol, etc, then by almost MN, I could join them straightaway. Ummm.....lets see if this would be realized.

I will start my resolution draft within 1st week of Jan, I hvnt really sit myself down to think about it so far.

Here, I want to take the chance to wish all my frenz here - Happy New Year. May your 2011 be filled with happiness, contentment, exciting moments & serenity.

Luv Always,
Dawn

Lucky Me.

I AM A BITCH but I AM A SWEET BITCH!!! What's the paradox? or the Irony?

I dont really know.

However, I wrote an "somewhat angry email" to my aunts, telling them I dont really freaking care if I would see them again. But I gotta make my point. I dont know, maybe at the end the worst will be on me, as maybe they would chase me for some kind of redemption - through my sibling.....I feel sad for my bro & sis, really. Ie what the email I wrote was telling them (1) I hv been angry with them for 30 yrs, (2) they DONT even say a bad word to my bro & sis for whatever my dad's situation at, (3) this kinda family things should hv dealt with before we were born so why r we the excuse now, maybe they should do something for their "brother" (my dad) instead of asking us to be nice to him.

For one thing he IS NOT actually mad at us. The root, We always go back to the root. It's HIS PARENTS, my grandparents. NEXT, it's his sisters. Final, us. We mix up the order. They mix up the order. And HE mixes up the order. How pitiful, we human have such small capacity of brain wave, brain power, brain juice.

Always just point to the nearest object? So, does it mean it's the best OR the worst? Stupid. We are all so STUPID. LOOK at the whole timeline (I am a good project manager, I look at the whole process, excuse me if I am nasty - coz I couldnt help it, as I am unbiased to every step)!!!!

Ok, why I am lucky!? haha................

Seriously, with my complex conflict mind + my childhood - I shouldnt have lived on this earth for over 20 yrs. I shud hv killed myself long time ago (back to the 1st few posts of this blog - why I had this blog), as some know, I did attempt once or twice or few times.....I cant recall. As past is the past, why dwell on it any longer after U r 30!!

I am lucky as somewhat dont know how I was cured after 30......thanks to a good heaven. Then, the ah Q spirit out of nowhere just exponentially grows! Then, I am so so blessed I made/hv made many dear frenz who somehow - one told me today if I would be marry again, he would rent the Grand Hyatt ballroom for me, kakakakak - stand by me, luv me, support me................Just be there for me, even reading this blog.  Responding here. U cannot NOT understand how lucky I feel.

I always feel I am a lucky person, yet these 2 yrs were tough (notice I use past tense? hehe) and I dont believe my luck drains off, rather it will grow much bigger as I am blessed with good people, I am blessed with my perseverance, I am blessed with many kind & splendid things..........uncountable, never could count.......................................................................

I hope, you will realize you have non-countable assets one day, truthfully feel it within. Then you will understand this moment of mine.

Stone & Water

hehe....see if you like my philosophy.

I was communicating with my aunt (the aunt who's an artist & poet) via emails. We were talking about mis-match between couples.

Actually, I dont believe in true match as it's just impossible. I am a fairy tale gal, I like fairy tales still. I believe in fairies & angels, of coz demons & witches too.Yet, finding a soulmate or the one =/= match. We cant become gel anyways. We are still 2 individulas, living in one own body & die alone one fine day. However, I was telling her that, if the man is a stone, then the woman could be water, it would already be nice. As the water polishes the stone, while the stone mineralizes the water, despite they can never gel - maybe till the end of time, everything vampourizes in the fury of a nuclear bomb. haha............

Anyways, find your stone or water in your life. :D

Handling sales girls

is really fucking troublematic. Maybe I should say handling women. yes, guyz, I know, I un, I get it.

They just never say things straight. They have issues with communication except selling & getting money. Ho Lun Feng!!!!

Solomon

I got two bible characters I adore most, one is Solomon from Old Testament & Barnabas from New Testament. Sorry, Jesus, I never really like the character as much as you sounded abit arrogant & bitchy at times  and you were way too perfect!!!! (kakaka, just like me.....:P).

Barnabas means the son of encouragement. I have always aspired to be more encouraging & supportive. I think I have been doing pretty well.

Solomon was the king as you all may know. Actually, he was illegitimate son from King David who actually stole someone else's wife and then sent her husband to the war front to be killed. When he grew older (not sure if he was a king already or not, but I guess he shud be by then when he said this), he was asked what else he wanted from God. He told God that he wanted more wisdom, not wealth. (mind you, he was already very smart, he wasnt asking for more smart, he was asking for more WISDOM)!!! All my life, ie what I am asking for too.

Sidetrack abit. I actually luv the bible, because if you could read carefully, they are indeed quite relevant today, if you put aside some bias judgement. And one thing about  the bible, if you are not reading it like a spiritual guide. It talks alot about being human, the difficulty of being a human. How at times in life they were doing great wonders, next they could have many flaws in them. No one is perfect. Even great kings or prophets can make mistakes also.

I specially attended Sunday School when I was young to hear this very articulate teacher to talk about King David. I wasnt that intrigued by the story of young David killing a giant with a stone, Actually, I find this reference abit dumb. I was very into the fact that King David was loved by God for his love for God and he was very obedient, yet like every perfect thing, he sinned against God more frequently after he became a king & was growing older (guess, my fren Ellie, you could correct me if any accounts are wrongly put - I write here based on my memory some 20 yrs ago).

Back to Solomon, he as well revered God, but as his wealth & kingdom grew big, so was his ego & disobdience. Yet & again, no one is perfect. And despite such a wise guy, he was dumb too. I think ego can indeed kill a success.

Wisdom is always what I ask for, getting good score at school may mean you have high IQ, but it doesnt equate you as being wise. 

Wisdom needs practice. Wisdom needs patience. Wisdom needs experience.

Why I am talking bullshits again? 2 reasons, I was thinking about myself yesterday, another one is I hope you may have interest to do some reading on the bible. Not that it's about converting yourself a christian, more it's indeed a great book to read if you dont reference so much the spiritual side of things.

OK, I was thinking about myself yesterday at Tin Hua MTR station, how tough it has been past 2 years. How lucky I am to have a few good friends & mom+sister supporting me, believing in me. How strong I feel life is going to be better in 2011. Then suddenly a fear creeped into my heart reminding me of the Solomon story - yes he was a wise man, yet like EVERYONE in the history he lost it when he made it. And then I reminded & counselled myself that I should Always Always remember the hardships, the helplessness I went through. I strongly & 100% am convicted that the universe made me go through all these coz it knows me very well - indeed I am very forgetful for the pain & sorrow I go through. However, this lesson to me is way too important, as I couldnt allow myself to be in it ever again. And when I indeed make it big one day, I shouldnt be too arrogant about it (as I am sure I would become super bitch). To me , 2 years is very long, it's quite unbearble honestly - yet I know why it gives me such a long dragful period too, as if not, I wouldnt get it at all, and it needs to imprint deeply to my every cerebral cell & juice.

The Best Bad

I think, I am not that nerotic afterall. Many people outpass me, as they all want to be the BEST BAD (the worst).

I heard my partner telling me that this guy who was going to be fired was at "worst situation" than me 2 years ago, when I heard the news I wouldnt be able to have a job due to their last minute informing me there would  NOT be a fucking office in HK for me to run. Man, how would that guy be worst than me, for:

1. I heard the news THE LAST DAY I left my job in CHINA

2. I MOVED back to HK without a job

3. I only got 1 MONTH compensation

For the only thing he was worst than me was that he got a family - HUH??? I got a family too. He has a wife, his wife works too....worst than me......based on WHAT THEORY??!!!

Then, this S'porean guy told me he was at "Worst situation" than me. OK, lets hear him. He got his paycheck every month and he was doing admin work, yet he was called THE DIRECTOR. OK, well, my turn. I got no PAYCHECK and I named myself regional manager.  AGAIN, lets say it together, based on WHAT THEORY????

Then, as I was talking to my friend's wife. She as well told me she was at "WORST SITUATION" than me. 1. she was disliked by her fellow wivey group (his husband's frens' wives), ok....just one point. Me? I was DISLIKED by them first day I arrived. She came with her husband. I went alone. Worst??? how come?? I dont get it.....my goodness.

Then, many others. When they are single, I am attached, they are "worst" than me. When I am single, they are married, again they are "worst" than me. When I am single, and THEY ARE ALSO SINGLE, they are STILL "worst" than me. Why ???

WHY?? WHY??? WHY???? people like to be the worst?????

You know, they always think they are trying to encourage someone. I tell you what! If you are reading, PLS KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Coz by saying it, you are denying someone else's pain. Denying their experience. Denying their EXISTENCE. It's just another way saying - MY PAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. YOURS ISNT!!!!!!!!

Do people ever grow up & think in a more 3D dimension? I pity the world filled with all these people.

I was heard before I was seen!

I think.......

I just got a FB msg from a new-made french guy, he told me he saw , no, he heard me at Causewaybay "Eat Street" and he was 5 cm away from me. OK!? Well, am I that freaking loud??? And was I that "arrogant" & "unattentive" that I couldnt see a face?!?!

I guess, lately I am. I realize, the more "independant" I become, the more "arrogant" I have been and the more "couldnt care who the fark you are" attitude has dominated my aura and senses. I guess somehow intrinsically I am still a nice gal, yet, my attitude has changed. I forget a person after 5 sec, or 5 mins after the 1st msg.....pewh, the people just leave my mind! Honestly, if a person doesnt remind me he/she exists, I seriously cant remember this person exist.

Lets jump a topic, I was thinkiing - or I have been thinking since I was young, what was I doing at the very moment when someone was doing something 20 years ago.............................I like this thought as it's something you can never KNOW, except guess.

Oooo, time to sleep.

Lie master

I think why majority of people are bad liars as they are trying to make a lie. The true lie, lemme give you a truth lie hint, is to offer a half truth, half lie.

Why am I talking about it? As I find my mom a bad liar. We were trying to mask the fact that we went to Macau with her, without informing him. She was trying to say all the weird lies. I mean if she's an attentive liar, she would be able to make it through. However, my mom doesnt have a brain for such, and she's super bad in attaining details, so at the end I gave her a half truth a half lie - when she speaks to my dad about my fun trip, she wouldnt have to "lie".

Well, learn this, it takes a master to lie truthfully. keke

Family Meeting

I dont even eat dinner with my family, hence I was so reluctant to attend it, with my aunties & uncles to discuss issues between my dad and mom. I thought I would be 100% nothing to say, but once again as my client said, how could I ever shut up. hahahaha

Really, why do I talk so much? I talk and talk. lol. I dont think my aunties ever saw me talking so much. But this time is different. And honestly, they want us to make nice with our dad. And to me.....I am sorry, I wont do anything, unless he makes a small step first. It's not that I dont luv him, but I hate people blaming everyone for anything. I dont fucking care if he's my dad or not. People would call me heartless, it's true as my parents said that about me when I was a kid. The thing is, I dont look at the people, I look at facts. I was always defending my aunties when I was young in front of my parents, hence they said "finger bent out, not bent in" - it was very simple even in my young mind, I didnt really care it was my aunt or my parents, I looked at the damn facts!

I was "timid" when I was a kid. Now to think about it, it's more than just timid. I just didnt want to argue to people who didnt have the same view as me. Also, I would know they could never get what I meant. And on top of influcence from my parents - being scared of everything...........my timid was gigantic.

It's, to me, ridiculous that parents expect the kids to "SUPPORT THEM". Sorry, I dont buy in the same philosophy. Well, I may go to hell for that, but it's just plain idiotic. Well, coz they raised me I gotta repay? Did they have a choice to have me or not? YES. Did I have a choice to have them or not? NO. Did I ever want to live on this planet? NO. I would if I could. Why do I have to understand their problems? When they never understood their parents' problems (I am referring to my dad)? And so he wins it all lah......everyone has to understand him. Also, who gets to understand me?? (I dont need people to, actually) Sorry, in my formula, it doesnt work like that. 

Honestly, I have seen some people who were, have been in worse situation, they rise upon the horizon. It's just a plain character flaw he possesses. I already imagine if he would be in his deathbed, would I regret? yea maybe, but wouldnt be big. Yet, I am more concerned if he would start to regret when he's in his deathbed, then it would be sad. I am in somewhat quite rational & detached to things like that. I did have a bit regret after my grand-pa died, as we ALL totally misunderstood him. He was a smart guy, just that we didnt get him then, sadly. But with my dad, really not until he makes some small steps, I wouldnt consider to be OK with him. If I have the money, I would give to him, not out of respect, but out of pity.

hehe, I blow water again!

Pressing Headache

Sometimes, when you reach certain moments, you just become afraid to be vulnerable. I am always pretty vulnerable (in a humble good way), as sometimes I feel everything is like fluid, motion. Nothing much can harm me. Tomorrow, I have to meet with my accountant to explain (in my pts of view) complicated relationship with my partner. And then I have to spend time to make all paperwork. I have been just hiding from it, seriously. I dont want to face it.

When I was younger (till maybe 2-3 yrs ago), I crowned myself as a great escapist. I escaped to my own world. I escaped not to confront. I escaped to not look, listen, or just plain do anything..............Today, again, I realized I've finally grown up again.

This french guy who broke (but he said it's postponed) the contract that made my life hell these few months wanted to see me on Monday, he didnt show up at 11am coz he couldnt find the MTR exit. Anyways, so we met again at 7pm, I just wanted to know why they would break /"postpone" the contract - I told them, your project delayed wasnt my problem, you didnt give me work was your issues, not mine. If I would be an employee, you would be obliged to pay the salary - I stressed that they should honour the contract. Anyways, he wanted me to go with him to a meeting - I reluctantly accepted it as it's a big company, I just hoped to be more connected, so to speak. When I got up at 7:30, I really wanted to send him a sms & then turned off my phone - just to tell him I was so fucking sick, blhblhhhh. But now, I couldnt do it, I guess I must have grown up, despite I really really wanted to.

My another pressing headache is, I need 3-6 months to build up the projects I am working on. They do have good prospects, but it seems they arrive abit late.........now I am not sure what I should do. It's been so so so tough & difficult. I just hope I could win some jackpot tomorrow. DIU!

Then came another bad news too, but I guess I was already immuned to bad news, I kinda felt nothing. haha. When I was talking to a fren yesterday about my past 2 yr situation, I somehow had this belief inside my heart that I would make it. Very strong feeling. My "chance" hasnt actually arrived yet, it's a matter of time the universe has to toughen me enough. Anyways, wish me good fortune..........:)

13 days to go

For our magical Xmas.

Lets have a fun, positive, blissful MAGICAL Xmas!!!!

STAY FOCUZ..............

ME! yes......Focuz. Focuz. Focuz.

Erotic Dream

I just had an erotic dream.......my first 3P dream. hahaha
it was actually pretty real....LOL

Sometimes, overdo it.....

Just some words..........
I think some galz just overdo it, I hope I am not one of them!
They overdo sexy
overdo accessories
overdo thinking they r THAT pretty
overdo luv with a jerk
overdo reliance
overdo wanting a baby
overdo wantinging to get married
overdo staying deadfish
overdo crying
overdo dreaming
..........................................................

for me, I am sure I overdo watching TV series. hehe

DragQueen

I am afraid of few types of people.
One is stupid people.
The other one is DRAG QUEEN = people who are scattered mind & couldnt control not talk. Everytime they open their mouth, they TALK and they dont give you just a second of mind peace. They go on & on & on. The worst thing is the SPEED of their talking is usually FAST, yet, the content is meaningless.

E.g. when they are trying to quote example, many a time they would say, 1. water, 2, oil, 3. earth, 4. water, yes as I said 4 types......WHAT!!!!??? Cant they listen to themselevs they are repeating themselves. Ie one thing I find it's one of the attributes of sales - they like to repeat themselves. This is one way to hypnotize people to buy in what you are trying to sell. Another side of the coin is that they dont have much inside their head, so they gotta repeat whatever they have..............

I am very very sleepy, as listening to scattered mind people use my energy more than anything nowadays.

My EQ is high but my black face never dies

Couple of years ago, I got record low EQ. I got discouraged all the time, I turned depressed all the time, I cried all the time - like my fren said - a typical crying bitch.

NOW?!

Wow, my EQ is pretty high. I dont feel "depressed" so easily, as I got too many things that worth my depression, yet I dont hv time to be depressed over them. However, when I am running a project, the client doesnt co-operate or get serious about it, I BLACK FACE. I used to blackface to my boss. Now, I blackface to my clients. I couldnt help it, in somewhat, I am a perfectionist. I hate it when people dont see well planning for e.g. opening a counter is important enough to reply some emails, make some phone calls to align.....etc etc. I hate it also, people think things will be smooth, BLINDLY believing it. Well, if you are not asking for something accurate or perfect, I guess it's totally cool. But, I really hate it also sometimes they think everything can be redone. The thing is - I hate the rework process. I trained my team before - THINK AHEAD to avoid the things you hated gutz - REWORK. It's time wastage, effort wastage. It's so not edifying. It's so not challenging. It's so freaking boring. So, I am pretty demanding when it comes to a project. But my motto is if you try your best beforehand, it doesnt come through - then U already WIN!! 

My fren Raine is right. Sometimes it's so tiring to work for bosses who are not actually hands-on & investing their time in the business enough. They think they do. They run around doing things, talking things, but they never spend time to look at internal problems. MAybe for e.g. for once seriously FIRE the uselss idiots. Or maybe pay better salary for a good candidate, rather hiring 5 uselss people. It's the new world, the fit survives. Let them die but build a strong co for himself or herself. 

Many people thing, they HAVE a business. Sorry, its a bad idea. It should be BUILD a business - constantly need building. Having it is easy, building it is difficult. Just like for working pals, job & career are two different things. Many people are working on a job but not building their career.

I honestly wanna die if I got just stuck in a job but not a career - that's my feeling in the past. Even I am still going through very very harsh time, I am content within as this is what I like - whatever I am doing, owning freedom yet building a business of my own.

Cougar Dream

Hoho, catchy topic!

Couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I dated with a "boy" who was 14 yrs younger than me. In real life, it happened.......thou I didnt go ahead with it. Not that I mind the age thing,  honestly if I wud date a young guy, i want the best features & great body physique, hahahaha. I am a bitch. :P

And today I was talking to my fren rgd great guyz or non jerks. I am not sure if next pasture always seems better or tastier or what. I somehow feel the guys I like tend to be attached or married. Well, so I kinda pray that their wives would cheat on them...........HAHAHHAAH..............BIGGER BICTH................so that I could claim them some day. Hey, women cheat alot. It;s not uncommon as most think!!

Then jokingly we went on saying that we were now after the 2nd hand market. You know what, it dawned on me. I actually always always prefer VINTAGE & used Shoes. I really dont mind getting a 2nd hand man but of coz the premium kind. I find vintages clothes smell better, even vintage books to me smell heavenly. I like used shoes, as usually they are worn to a point that become so tender N soft - I dont like new shoes that take me ages to tame it to non-pain walking status. Also, to me, I like some mysterious thingie behind the vintage piece, you never really know who or when they were worn before. At what occasion? It always intrigues me deeply. Plus I find vintage clothes are so stylish if you match it correctly.

Honestly, for next bday, if you think of what to get me, lemme give you a hint:

1. Candles (I luv candles, as I somehow believe by Dec 2012 we would lose the electricity power....hahaha)

2. Vintage stuff - clothes or accessories....YUMMY, they tend to be actually NON cheap, so better not buy me! :)

Apart from

Devoting my time to finding projects to do, I spend most of my nites doing "article of the day" & "word of the day" with my nephew. I couldnt understand how a P2 kid could manage to do whatever they have been given. I am pretty darn sure that a F5 student may not be able to know every vocab or even get all the correct answers. For me, I managed 99.95% accuracy, yet some grammar is so tedious that even good english command people got it wrong, as I tested to some before.

Also, it's not like their school curriculum covers all that, but I guess they must be expecting that their parents have good level of english. Yet, how many HK pple indeed have good command in english - esp those who only study locally. It's so tough to be kids nowadays!!

My poor babies, ie why I so focuz on them, to help them & train their mentality. I always say I dont need them to have perfect scores, rather I need them to think independantly.

TV shows

My fren just asked me what TV shows I have been watching lately, OK here you go!

1. Fringe (Only like this season)
2. Criminal Minds
3. NCIS
4. Vampire Diaries
5. Desperate Housewives
6. Sherlock
7. Doctor Who
8. Torchwood
9. Dexter
10. CSI LV
11, CSI NY
12. Weeds
13. The Event
14. Castle
15. Rubicon
16. Project Runway
17. American Next Top Model
18. Apprentice
19. White Collar
20. Dexter
21. Haiwaii 5-0-1
22. Brothers & Sisters
23. Private Practice

etc

hehe

Doctor WHO?

Lately, I am spending my time with british dramas ONLY. Well, I do watch vampire diaries (they are getting kinkily fun), dexter (hot blood luver) & fringe ( I hated the previous seasons but now they are hitting the alternate universe- my luvvv, I luv the concept of time travel, alternate universe).

BINGO! This is what Doctor Who is all about. TIME TRAVEL, OUTERSPACEY, Alternate universe, the space gap................gosh, I cant get enough!!!! Then I watched Sherlock which are the modernalized rewritten version - so sarcastically dark humour, my another luv. Now I am moving on Torchwood, dont think I would get mesmerized by the Captain Jack, but then.........................I need more british accents around me.

Oh, the main reason?! I met a very nice gentle british guy - I seriously never met any nice brits. Just a fren, nothing romantic. Taking him on as a nice cosy fren is a gift to me now. hehe, I luv the accent. :P

I felt Crabby

I felt so crabby the other day, actually 2 FULL DAYS after the crab. It's craB not craP.

I never touch crab that need my engaging into dissecting them.

I never eat their brainy stuffy (it's fatty stuff people luv to eat but it's filthy, it's all the shits & dirts inside, man!!!!)

Not good to be good at science, shits! I shud hv done literature instead, rather than science. Understanding too much is a curse!

Seriously, I sound like an asshole, but I like being an asshole actually.

OK, back to the crab.

I was taken to this rich lady's house (both I met for the 1st time) and she served "big bound crab" aka hairy crab, it should be in season. I always said NO NO NO to any frens' invitation for such an evil feast, but I didnt know about it was such a beast feast, I went along as I really wanted to see if there would be any biz potential in Mynamar. First time I met Burmese!!

Man, the rich lady who doesnt use any skincare looks so freakishly young!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a 28yo gal, but I thought she was younger than me! Holy Moly!!!! GIve me some of those collagen!!!!! But, one thing with old age, things you just cant....hide, it's the flappy boobs & tummy. Sorry, I sound like an ass again, but they r just flappy, esp she didnt wear any bras. Man.....why?! why?! Why does she do that!!?? She wud be looking like it cuda be my daughter if she got a bra!!!! hohohoh!!

I had 2 crabs, I just thought they were SMALL. But when I told my mom the size, she said IT WAS GIGANTIC. OK anyhows. I had TWO GIGANTIC HAIRY CRABS!!!! I felt  that every inch of my gut was GLUED with the HAIRY CRAB BRAINS for 2 FULL DAYS! I smelled like CRAB too.

A new way to feel crappy is to be glued by crab.

So MANY IDiots

Not to brag, I do feel I am a great manager. People ask me to go & get a job - how can I go back to a life working for people with poor mgt skills?!?!?! Yet, I sometimes try to be humble too. They have this achievment coz they have that ability. But I just boil them down into so far 2 categories of people - this is a reality.

1. Conned Artists

2. With a rich husband or family or born to be rich

Seriously, either you have such a sweet tongue to move your way up or you were born in a rich family - money reaps money. Dont get defensive, I know you who are reading are great workers, but you are not rich enough to have no worries to flung the money around. 

I so hate people wasting time to redo, redo, redo - people are afraid to work through the complicated good set-up. Becoz they are so short-sighted. They put everything under the carpet. I dont know if you get my points, but seriously this is how my home is like, not my work!!!!

I am really sleepy but I need somewhere to vent out. I dont like talking with people about what I think or feel, as really - they are so meaningless many a time but you just want to say it out. Just to say it out!!!

I feel sad for HK people. Not just the young gen. Everyone. We are so shallow. So iditotic. So stupid thinking that HK's prosperity span isnt dying. it's already dead, people. Wake up!

I need to sleep as I am working for such an idiot. She's a nice lady but idiotic, big time, seriously. Shit, I am a saint with no money but just arrogant bitchy bullshit thoughts. GOD, dont perish me coz of this. hehe. NITE NITE.

Honestly I am not bragging

But I am.
I am a genius, big time.
I thought of a product/concept/idea so I told my good taiwanese fren. He called his clients at midnight asking if my idea was good and if they would buy the products - they said CERTAINLY. So I asked him to get his clients to hire me as their creative consultant, all he said was - No, I want you to be MINE only.


HAHA....this guy, he's my great fren. We went thru thick & thin. He has already believed in me. no, He believes in my brain, ie what I appreciate so much. I am fortunate I got another dear gf in HK, who has stood by me for years............despite I hvnt shown her any glamours work, she has been silently supporting me.

I am such a blessed person, who has got non-judgemental great frenz who believe in my brain (I dont need pple to believe in me, but my brain - my brain is indeed pretty fabulous). I am typing in tears becoz indeed not coz of them, I am not sure if I could be smiling still, despite all hardships.

It's been super horrible 2 weeks w bad bad news, but I allowed myself to be upset for also 2 weeks. As I just dont get it, what more learnings I gotta understand before I could reap the harvest of patience & endurance. I strongly believe that the experiences I went thru wouldnt go in vain. People ask me to be patient, really - I wish they would go thru what I did and still believed in themselves - it's not easy man! I somehow.......come to more profound understandings of myself, my existence, my value, my purpose, my learnings.....................it's so odd, which I dont think I would want to share with anyone till....maybe 5, 10 years later......

Anyways, if you are reading, you have been worried about me. Know one thing - I am outerspacey, so I dont walk the path as norm do. Ie why I gotta go thru what I am going thru. I wont be happy go lucky as I have never been one - I run projects, worries are my motto to be good in a project. hehe

STAY CHEERIO!! :)

desperate housewives epi 7 S7

Totally talking about me
thou I am no desperate, I am no housewife

I always luv the writers of desperate housewives' plot on summarizing each epi....thou I dont particularly like the whole story in general

SIGH!!!!!

LET ME SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK............................I seriously think death may not be a bad option. I am running out of anything to stay positive. What the heck the universe is testing me.........................

Making up your own stories....

IS not good for your psyche.

Lately, I talked to few galz. Really, I think when we hit 30's, pls grow up. No wonder HK men gave us all the funny names. After listening to the first part of this radio show, I finally was glad that someone had put it in a radio show - exactly my feeling towards my frens - making up their own stories=> act out => then "have feeling" towards their own plots (not the actual beings, but the plots).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjCscgK6M2I&feature=player_embedded

I hate the notion of being labelled as "middle woman" or "residual woman", but I should be in their category. Good that I really dont fucking care less, as I dont actually live here anyways. My psyche is always elsewhere, though sometimes I just have to be here, only. hehe, I am talking outspacey again. Nah, this is my feeling. 

Few of my frens told me stuff in confidence. I appreciate that. Yet, I guess when a woman or even a man talks in details about the situation, it's danger, becoz it means they are making their story lines, amplifying things that shouldnt have. (sorry, been there b4 but when I was b4 30. And it took me good old 10 odds years to shake it, so I know what I am talking about). I always remind them, not to remember details then get depressed over the details => like he went to toilet and he left w/o saying bye. Hey hey - give him a benefit of the doubt, couldnt the guy be abit drunk and wanna head home?!?! Dont think about it and feel sad over it. If the 2nd time, yeah, U got rite to be upset...................not everything means something, thou indeed everything means something, it depends how you intrepret it. Dont be so single focuz to a point that you start making up your own stories. The outcome, you are sad and you make haste move that usually are not the most intelligent move.

My thoughts. :)

Dreams

I actually quite enjoy few dreams I had lately, every few weeks something funny came up.

1. I am still trying to decipher my Golden Python and Huge Sea turtle meaning. I just cant shake them off.

2. Last nite, I had another funny dream. In my dream, I was hanging out with my fren, Leo. And we were abit drunk as usual. He asked me to sneak into his house N took a rest, not to let his mom knows, somehow the whole thing is like going back to high school-the alternate universe. Think about it. We both lived in Melb at around the same time, we never met. We knew each other when we came back to HK. I guess we would be alcoholic & addicts if we did meet back in Melb. hahaha, breaking all the rules, thou by what I know, he did break many rules over there. me no., I was a saint in Melb.

Then next, I went to this house, it was filled with dog-people. Yes, I saw them as people and they could talk, but they were actually dogs, canines, yes! So I felt compassion over them, so I chose three. On our way home, I was worried, as my mom didnt like dogs, cats, pets.........so I asked them if they were toilet-trained? I begged them to make sure they would pee, shit at the rite place, as if not my mom would be so pissed. (I lived alone for years, why wud I concern my mom - again it's like an alternate universe, whereby dogs=humans). Then one of them told me they gotta take this medicine, but forgot to bring. I said I would buy them. So I asked them if they were already de-sexed yet. They said no. So I asked them to use their own money to do so, as I got no money to do for them. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Funny!! huh!!??

Out of respect to sex n the city II

Since I dl PPStream, I managed to watch some of the US TV shows that I didnt see but wanted, same as some movied. I watched 2 movies. One was Argentina's Secret of the eyes. While, out of respect, I watched Sex N The City.

Holy Crap!!! Nothing has turned my stomach as bad as this one did to me for a while. Poor Plot, Poor Faces, BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD FASHION!!! SUCK MAX. TOTAL SUCK. I used to follow the seasons diligently for 2 main reasons. One, I was looking for luvvvv too, so kinda whatever the gals went through, I could get it. Second, fashion, shoes, bags, fashions , accessories, and yes FASHION!!!!!!! 

I wanted to stop watching after 2 mins as their clothes are bad, their facial expression-----how to say, emotionless, as they all got botox up, kinifed up too. It's trully not nice seeing esp seeing Samantha trying to pick up younger guyz. I am fine with the concept of cougar, I dont even mind being one. But plzzzzz, look at her face!!!!

Then, past 2 years, I did rewatch the series twice. Coz I wanted to look at the fashions, colors, shoes, heels.....but I got so so so turned off by the stupidity of these women. COME ON, GROW UP!!!! Esp with Carrie, she's like a fucking idiotic woman with no brain. For e.g. in this movie, she met her ex Aidan. So they kissed. What the big fucking deal!!!!! She gotta go all the way getting all the galz out to TALK??? About? Should I or Should I not tell Mr Big that I kissed my ex!!??????????? sHIT, what a stupid weak dependant small brain idiotic woman!!!!!!! SHAME ON HER!!!!!

I know many women who could be reading this may throw me tomatoes. hoho....sorry, I kept this to myself for 2 years, I gotta be honest for once too. hehe

A beggar gathering the loose change

I was talking to a business partner/friend. It's just strange that I work so well with Taiwanese guyz but not HK guyz. Everytime a HK guy opens his month to discuss something with me, I just want to stuff a hammer into their mouth & then pull out their intestines.

I was telling him how (only realized today) I had been like a beggar gathering loose change from everyone. Not yet one project is making me a decent living. 

Decent living means paying rent, a pair of shoes a month, dine out 2 times a week, drinks 2 times a week, get some clothes (maybe Lane Crawford warehouse) once a month, treat my parents dinner every 2 weeks, give pocket money to my mom, pay for some extra-curriculum my sis kids would like to attend, go to movies once a month, buy bday gifts to my good frenz, travel once (I havnt done any leisure trip for more than 2 years), buy starbucks coffee once every 2 days, desex my dog, buy yummy frozen/healthy meat for my dogs, go to see doctors, get some new bedsheets from Ikea, get some white tees, buy new bras sets (which I hvnt done for more than 2 years too), get a new notebook (as I feel mine is dying soon - TOUCH WOOD).............

It's been so tough. I am so not kidding or complaining. Good things I dont remember bad things alot. Actually, I feel I hvnt got outta the pit is coz the universe is saying I DONT BURN THIS LESSON WELL ENOUGH IN MY BRAIN...................I dont remember how hard it is to go w/o money when I actually constantly having zero. I want to tell the universe & everyone - I got it, man. I got it!!!! Just take this misery away, please!!!!

From this month, I am getting loose change from people, like a beggar. People giving me very peanut fees for my service, yet I may get commission at some points if I work so hard. U know.......my brain is going to explode becoz every every fucking project involves creativity. New ideas. New concept. New New New, yet I am getting OLD OLD OLD ............but what can I do? Too bad I sell pple that I am a brainy people.....so I just gotta use my brain. Why people are so mean? So wicked? So selfish? I suppose the universe is teaching me to be mean too. I never thought I would need to be nasty pple on money, but I guess I would............in the future, when I am giving loose change to others. hahaha.....kidding, seriously I really cant be such person. I still have a vision to save the world in my own dawnish way.

Call me stubborn or self-centered. There's nothing anyone can say to me that could make me better as just face it, I am in a pile of shits. Dont ask me to compare with the poorer people, as I always compare with them. I have compassion for them. But I dont deserve to be categorized with them. I was not meant to end up like this. Can you feel the pain of agony? For what I am striving for? For my goals? For my life? For what?

I am seriously not giving up either, as there's no way I will give up now. Oddly, as always, I see whatever I have faced in my life as an experience, as an experience I could share with someone someday, to save some souls.....I am not of a great person, but I want to be a hero in my dawnish way, as always, Stupid as it sounds. haha......

AGAIN, UNiverse or GOD or GODs, pls listen I get it I get it, mean. Just let it go, dont torture me. I am not a great person, I said it. Just give me some breather to live the rest of my life. I will share my miraculous salvation, how I was a beggar, not saved! THANKS!!!!!

Running Out

I have been presented with much opportunities lately. Yet, everything is all about wait wait wait..........I am getting really zero patience on the waiting. Esp, I am getting peanuts from certain projects but then I have to wait wait wait.......................I am so tired of just wait wait wait.

Then, I get pissed by stupid people even so much more easily lately. I just want to scream at them. Ask them , seriously, fucking go to hell. You dont belong to this human race.

Then, to my clarity of mind or realization, I got a terrible biz partner to begin with. I am just so anxious to get out of it, yet I need to wait wait wait for another 3 months.

Then, I am meeting one of the fucking europeans in few hours. I just have to smile, act smart. Shit.....................

I hate the whole thing. I want to kill myself again, This time, I dont want to jump but just hang myself. The bottled-up anger & frustration are just unbelievable...........I seriously also want to find someone to stab & just kill someone out of the anger sake. Maybe I should learn like what Dexter does, kill the bad guyz & chop them up real nice..........................

Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What would you do....

When you dad may threaten to hurt your mom or your family.....becoz of.....no reasons? Just he created stories in his head that made him mad. Tell me, what would you do?

My utmost concern would be my sis kids, as my mom takes care of them. Seriously, if I would be their parents, I would move the house as far from this family as possible. How could your dad threaten to hurt his family without any solid reasons.....??? Just coz he's not pleased with his life?!?!?!

My sis suggested we should report to police. But for me, I guess most of the time he just talked. So I advised my mom not to see him for coming days without our presence. And I will have dinner with him on Tue, not that I try to talk some sense into him. When someone creates a reality in his mind, no one can correct that imagination. I guess I would want to see abit from his expression, his conversation - the words he chooses to express himself, his way looking at my mom & my sis kids.......then will decide what's our potential next move!!!

I dont get it, when all of us are trying to get everyone living slightly better, and when we are all more united as a family, more laughters with each other, why would he try to sabotage that!? Yet in our mind (esp my sis n me), we couldnt comprehend a person we have known for over 30 odd years would become someone we so.....feel alienated. What so huge  to make you verbally inform your kid that, wait for something big to happen!!!???? While, already inform you that he killed mom in his dreams. What's the big deal? What happened??? We scratched our heads till no hair, we still couldnt think of a single or remotely collective issues why........we are deserved to be threatened like that!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe it's indeed just the smiple saying......money is evil?! I dont know......this is not how my dad used to raise me.

Lottie M

Sigh, my small dog "Chi-mama" Lottie (not chihuahua as she's too big to be called that) has PERIOD. YES M, MENSTRUAL, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! The funny thing was that I was so worried about her being raped during 2 week ago dog party but I was told unless she started to have M then she wudnt get defiled. The next day, she had M....shit, she's such a ham sup dog. She so wants to get laid. I gotta desex her once her M is done, which is ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! Two more weeks to go......SIGH!!!! BIG BIG SIGH!!!!

My lovely baby needs to be 100% pure, virgin for the rest of her life......kekeke

last week

Last week went by so quickly that I didnt know I just had 2 posts only. I thought I did a few. 

It's been quite busy few weeks, busy & anxious. I passed up my 1st business proposal - a complete one from market scan to SWOT to sales forecast.......I did partial of each session at various time, before but rarely did a whole thing all at once. I still got a PNL to deal with tonite.

I somehow think I was born to venture adventures, challenges. It's stressful when I was presented with limited info, yet was expected to produce. I somehow dont feel torn or stressed, but feel so excited to learn so many new things through my research. Guess, it's so true, it's never too old to learn. I dont feel old....still. Except few pics......

And through these 2 wk busyness, I even know much better about my changes. I have become more money-minded, more frank, more individualistic, less nice, less patient. Actually, to me, all are good traits. haha. I couldnt afford to be nice to everyone anymore. I am still learning how to say No, and how to "fuck  or "diu" someone nicely with a smile tactic"......................I still have long way to learn.

One thing, maybe horror to most, is that - I dont want to have fun. Like, I am not really enjoying going out, meeting new people, if there's not a purpose behind. I dont really need to go out to relax, I feel pretty relaxed and destressed by my dogs' company. First time in my life I dont see that as a problem. I even think of not drinking.....which I dont particularly enjoy anyways, thou I can drink few glasses fine. I learnt it for social reasons, not that I like the taste of it.

And good thing is that I did manage to catch up with few frenz. It was nice. Knowing everyone is intact, happy. I am happy. Really. Seeing my frenz smile is priceless.

Luv U all for reading. I know some of you may want to comment some of my posts, all you need to do is to click the comment - you can write whatever you like. All welcome. 

The single

I met few people today during a social discussion group.We touched on various topics from biz to romance.

And U know.....people who keep whinning about them going without a bf or husband or gf or wife....they usually have an issue. One is what I heard today - and got electric shocked from it. Both of the woman & the guy said - I want to meet single & emotionally available people - 1ST SHOCK. They commented not knowing where to find, so we were syaing.....just go out and hang out with different people. There came the 2nd Shock - "well, it's a waste of time if you realized that the guy was married or got issues, so I just want single emotionally available people!!!!!!" Seriously, which opp sex would want to go out with you, when you are just a freak!!!!!!

My honest answer to them, good luck finding one. Coz U will never find one.

I would faint if

I got caught at below scenario.......dont they have a dresser guy to help them fix their pbs??

Nipple - flowery Pattern

I may need 2 phones

Does it mean I should get iphone 4?? haha.....

Suddenly, everything is on the plate. Just in Sept, I got various projects. I need to write 2 proposals, which to be honest I have never actually done those business before. People just want me to do it.

And then I just got a call a sec ago, I may need to leave HK. I am thinking about it. I think I will do, esp they let me have a week holiday each month to come back to HK to solve my issues. But my main concern is my dogs now...........I would die if I couldnt be with them, honestly.

Anyways......will update the progress soon.

Elderly II

OK, I am so agnoized by those middle-aged men or women who DONT HECKINGLY use EMAIL!!!!!! But want to discuss business with me. Shit, I dont think I want to handle any business with someone who dont use emails at all. 

I got a call from this middle aged man. He freaking called me at 8:48, left a message, then called me again at 9:ish. Hey, I wasnt awake, as I dun work HK time at all. So, reluctantly, I called back. He "inched" me by saying - he carried the stuff of info in his back this morning in KOWLOON side and wanted to see if I could go & get the info, and had a chat rgd the business. And further he said I made TWO calls and now "I AM LUCKY TO GET A CALL BACK FROM YOU" I said I no living in KLN. And mind you, I sent my freaking queries (the info in his bag) 3 weeks ago and he didnt reply me once since. So, I said, I got many things to do during the day. I totally hate those who want to make appointment without informing via email or msg beforehand.

I did inch him back. Next time, email me first. hahahahaha

Good thing is I know the doctor I so want to work with, thou the dr assign this middle-aged man's boss to handle this region. I still have good vibe with the australian doctor, and I believe he wants to work with me too.

U know......I think these guyz, they once could very well be a GM or something, but now they got nothing as very likely they are not that update & smart enough. But thanks to these guyz too, I keep reminding myself to keep up to beat with the young gen, so I wouldnt be thrown into a rubbish bin (lucky if it's recycle bin)!

My bowl of rice

Do you get jealous of those ladies...hem hem....who manage to go to eat HiTea, or Fine-Dining or exquisite beef or weird fish everyday? Indeed, I got one from FB - either she's showing pics of Hitea or her crystal nails. Some of my frens already deleted her. But I havent. As I am very amazed at how she uses her husband's or maybe parents' money......I really want to follow up on this aspect. As I couldnt get it. To me, it's very boring to keep eating "fine food". I like to eat fishballs sometimes. Or Tofu Fa. ummm, or just a can of coke zero may make me quite fulfilled. I did have a period I didnt need to work - but I never went around eating. Another amazing thing is, from the picture, she isnt fat at all. I guess when she isnt posting pictures, she must be doing some lymphatic massage or pilates.

If I say I am NOT jealous after above blablablah, you may say I am pretentious or condescending But, oddly, I am not, seriously. I wish I could actually. I am just amazed really at how as the chinese saying - "one type of rice breed all kinds of people", as her type is surely not from my bowl of rice.

99

After deleting I thought 99 requests from FB, to my horror, I still find I have another 99 requests. It's not going to end, isnt it?! I give up. Out of the presumably 99 requests, I got 90% of which are - HOTEL CITY, RESTAURANT CITY ------ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think either my frens luv me so much or they think I am very generous not minding them bombing my "request" box, they keep sending me stuff. I stopped playing after 3 mins with those cities & cafes. Id rather watch - REWATCH friends 1-10 seasons over & over & over 99 times for 99x100000 laughs. I really cant sit in front of the computer playing such slow motion city games. 

I did interview my sis why she played so tirelessly. I dont think she gave me a convincing answer as I really couldnt remember her answer. Thou I did try to manage those cities for 3 mins, as I wanted to help maybe my neighbour ie my frenz, yet really.......I really couldnt continue. Also, it seems they could never end building the hotel, I suppose, if not they wouldnt keep sending me stuff........I want something that has an end. It's more soothing to know it has an ending.

I luv U still if U keep playing the cities, or cafes. I just adore your perseverance. I seriously dont have. Or maybe I just dont have that childlike side at all. :)

WHY FB so NON-democratic!!??

I saw this on some post :

遇上一個人，只需一分鐘；喜歡一個人，只需一刻鐘；愛上一個人，只需一小時；但要忘了一個人，卻要一生。

(English: one min to meet someone, 15 mins to like someone, one hour to love someone, but A LIFE TO FORGET SOMEONE)

HOLY CRAP!!!
I so want to "dislike" the post, but there's no click click for that. They only have "comment, share & like". Isnt FB abit communistic? Well, who dares (I dont dare lor) to comment my frenz who like this page?! I dont lor. But I want to dislike it secretly.....no dislike icon wor. DING!

There's always right & wrong or grey answer in this world. Why cant they just allow yes, no, and what else? Also it's a disease believing such quote. A life to forget someone?!?! Id rather die now if I couldnt forget someone I want to forget. 

I am going to delete myself from FB if people keep liking such nonsense!!!

FUCKING idiotic S-Company

EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! JUST EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! 

EVERY FUCKING SHIPPMENT, ALWAYS HAVE EVERY FUCKING DETAILS MISSED, or LOST, or DELAYED - ALWAYS BLAMED BLAMED BLAMED.

ALWAYS MONEY MONEY MONEY. CAN YOU PLS BE LESS MAH LUN FENG, then U R OK LOR!!!!! DIU!!!! YOU SO MAH LENG FENG making ME ALWAYS FUCKING MA Q HEADACHE!!! DIU!!!! ALOTTA MONEY FOR ME MER!!?? JUST NOT ONCE, NEVER ONCE, YOU CAN MAKE ONE FUCKING ORDER GO SMOOTHLY. FUCKING U BUNCH OF ASSHOLES GO TO HELL LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pewh, thanks guyz.

Sigh, breakup......

I tried to call, sms, email to a friend for past month but she never called back, which is unlike her as she's a pretty tough & responsible lady. Then, finally I managed to get her respond on msn - sighhhhhh...........she's talking about separation with her husband. I am not sure about the real reason, but seems that she doesnt want to have a child, but her husband insists.

It's saddening, rite? I guess they do luv each other, but due to personal preference, in this modern world, you cant stick together, as divorce is too easy! Sometimes, I think divorce is fine if you can no longer luv that person, but outta preferences, I think it's most saddening kind. I wonder being alpha male or female.....can you indeed make one relationship stick?! I doubt. I have no faith in it. Ie why......my frens said, "soften up, lady!", or "grow your hair long", or " lower your standard".................is it really that simple?

My parents. They are indeed separating after fucking decades together. Honestly, I wish they separated before I was born. (Oh if auntie Y you are reading it, pls keep it secret. I will explain in details next time I see you). Is the modern soceity making pple not stick or people become too modern to stick? Aiya, I dunno, which is not my concern nowadays......

Is it really that important (to me) to have a lifelong companion? Can I just have thousand of god-kids? So I wont be bored when I am old, since I believe they would luv me dearly even I become a grannie. hehe.

Sigh, just want to say......I feel sad & worried for my friend.