The outcast in moon dream

I had this dream -
A group of people including me landed in a planet - it should be a moon which was bigger than earth.
Then somehow we were attacked by people from mercury as they wanted to steal our resources - like chunk of glacier or something like that.
And we didnt know why we would be landed there - vaguely I could remember there was a vessel. But, I could actually assess thru something like iPhone to search for pple from the past. Like a video game - I could go around to search - esp I was supposed to find a blonde woman & a man. I couldnt remember why I gotta find them, maybe they were my parents or.....frens, not sure. And I was trying to adjust to play the "virtual reality" game - and I could locate the man but he was sleeping, then the woman, she was talking with a group of people.

Then among the population (maybe less than 10 people) there's this gal - only gal from the past and she kept singing a song which contained all info fr the past - I could only remember the last sentence - goes like "find the past from shadow" (Well, I think I was inspired within the dream coz I turned on my dvd and at the end of the dvd they would keep playing the song - which would sound like ....duh duh duh shallow.......

N she did try to explain why the people the past died and why mercury pple come to steal our stuff. Actually I was so agitated by her, since she was explaining and at the same time singing - as I felt she was hiding something and got no where to explain how we could "survive" and I got really mad then, I questioned her - why everyone died except her and why not we actually went to Mercury & stole their stuff too (eye for an eye, U see)

Since the place we landed was actually a moon which was much bigger than earth hence it meant we cudnt go far and we couldnt roam around. I think since I am in real life slightly claustrophobic - actually not really but it's more to do with freedom - I need to get out of a place anytime I want to....but I dunno what's the real term for it.


Anyways, then I was woken up......:)) Haha what a weird dream!!!

1King Chapter 13

^{As I mentioned quite many times, I luv the story of Solomon, esp attracted by his wisdom. So as I continued to read on & I read this - kinda baffled me alittle. Why would the so-called man of God without even being named, and why was he killed by the lion though not eaten - coz he was deceived by another man of god - the old prophet. Well, couldnt umm the deity give him a slack as he's new in town? I think HE should kill the old prophet instead of the new.young one, at least he did try. Baffling.....
 
8} But the man of God answered the king, “Even if you were to give me half your possessions, I would not go with you, nor would I eat bread or drink water here. ⁹ For I was commanded by the word of the LORD: ‘You must not eat bread or drink water or return by the way you came.’” ¹⁰ So he took another road and did not return by the way he had come to Bethel.
 ¹¹ Now there was a certain old prophet living in Bethel, whose sons came and told him all that the man of God had done there that day. They also told their father what he had said to the king. ¹² Their father asked them, “Which way did he go?” And his sons showed him which road the man of God from Judah had taken. ¹³ So he said to his sons, “Saddle the donkey for me.” And when they had saddled the donkey for him, he mounted it ¹⁴ and rode after the man of God. He found him sitting under an oak tree and asked, “Are you the man of God who came from Judah?”
   “I am,” he replied.
 ¹⁵ So the prophet said to him, “Come home with me and eat.”
 ¹⁶ The man of God said, “I cannot turn back and go with you, nor can I eat bread or drink water with you in this place. ¹⁷ I have been told by the word of the LORD: ‘You must not eat bread or drink water there or return by the way you came.’”
 ¹⁸ The old prophet answered, “I too am a prophet, as you are. And an angel said to me by the word of the LORD: ‘Bring him back with you to your house so that he may eat bread and drink water.’” (But he was lying to him.) ¹⁹ So the man of God returned with him and ate and drank in his house.
 ²⁰ While they were sitting at the table, the word of the LORD came to the old prophet who had brought him back. ²¹ He cried out to the man of God who had come from Judah, “This is what the LORD says: ‘You have defied the word of the LORD and have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you. ²² You came back and ate bread and drank water in the place where he told you not to eat or drink. Therefore your body will not be buried in the tomb of your ancestors.’”
 ²³ When the man of God had finished eating and drinking, the prophet who had brought him back saddled his donkey for him. ²⁴ As he went on his way, a lion met him on the road and killed him, and his body was left lying on the road, with both the donkey and the lion standing beside it. ²⁵ Some people who passed by saw the body lying there, with the lion standing beside the body, and they went and reported it in the city where the old prophet lived.
 ²⁶ When the prophet who had brought him back from his journey heard of it, he said, “It is the man of God who defied the word of the LORD. The LORD has given him over to the lion, which has mauled him and killed him, as the word of the LORD had warned him.”

Currency

I never understand currency and I honestly dont want to understand ever....except whatever I have is on the rise. My fren Bruce told me once, money is just fluid - basically there's no ever real money in the world. I contemplated this for long time.....kinda get it then also dun get it. :)

Then, today, I have a thought. Actually every part of our life is marked with the label of some form of currency. It doesnt have to be money. It could be time. It could be how much one is willing to offer or to take risk - for e.g. in an adventure. Or how much one is willing to give - for e.g. love.

I remember once, my ex told me - "I wish I met you first so I wouldnt have to marry my ex-wife (HAHAHAHAH - idiot). And lets see how we continue on, maybe I will marry U too" - Holy molly shitass idiotic mother+dad licking fucker. :) I think - he labelled luv with a conditional currency which - he wouldnt be willing to pay. I mean, it makes sense he says that, but you shouldnt put this currency - the reducing currency on the table. How could a relationship be "getting better" or "brighter" when conditions apply. 

Though, maybe he's right, it just doesnt rhyme with me at all. Hence the currency became negative. I mean at least, I never wanted to exchange with him at all.

And I started to understand my ex-boss - a s'porean - he always said, so how you justify, quantify the outcome. I mean at 1st I hated it - coz it's sp stressful to answer when I wasnt dealing with sales. But I learnt quickly  that - everything a boss expects has to be revenue striving - hence the quantification. I think it's totally fine, so from then on, I always try to enhance my quantifiable value in every aspect I can, coz I want to be valuable in my jobs. And hence I feel my currency level is higher than most as I understand the game better.

Then friendship - how to see the currency. Lately, I realize that some frenz who will do all out to be there. I experienced my shares, fortunately - that makes my life worth living, while, of coz to me, their currency value is high. I wont forsake them when they face troubles, or when they need me. This is a currency exchange chain - people need to get it and should never ask, why I got no one to be there for them. 

What I want to say is that my fren - I love her dearly - after seeing it, I even more swear to myself, one day - no matter how difficult I would protect her. She's always there for her frens - and clearly every week she has many people who would want to meet up with her. She's not 20's....in our 20's, people call U out becoz U r fun to be with, After 30's, people call U becoz U r a good fren to be with. I see the golden soul, crystal spirit in her - clean & spotless towards taking care and being there for others. Her currency is high and keeps on the rising - I bet hers will never drop, she will always have a buffer underneath her, despite how life could be torturing us out of random at times. 

Anyhow.........at the end, no matter how honest or genuine we think we are. Everything comes with a currency - and it's translated into efforts, time, love quantity, quality or a giant castle or bank account.......whatever it is, we say there's no way to measure - yet there's ALWAYS another form of currency. As for my blog......I appreciate those who read here occasionally - ie the currency you have given me - your brain juice & time. And on another more personal blog, that someone will read it everyday no matter how difficult it is - then he has offered me the currency of seriousness & me-important value.

Thanks U all.

My theta brainwave is low

Lately, I feel creativity compromised, mind rotten, heart/emotion stale. I think my theta wave is low in my head, maybe I should re-read Little Prince (yes Children tend to have more theta waves).

I have heard about brainwaves sometime ago - but I forgot which one is which one, esp a master sharing w me, why churches singing choir, or why temple has those ringbells, and why people chant - they are some form of brainwaves to bring you to spiritual enlightened/heightened. 

And hence, I am desperately in need for some spiritual/creative reimbursement shooting up in my head. So I went to 2nd bookshop to get a Alpha-Theta CD. When I was at their shop listening, the vibration was so high, basically - I was almost in a trance & my brain matter was also vibrating like in the sea, front, back, front back. At times, I would experience similar thing at church or temple chanting.

I strongly believe one thing that - I can reach 'GOD"/s easily, I dont mean in a bragful way. What I mean is I do have some form of connection with the universe and well aware of it. And different religious people have confirmed this - thou they are always vague anyhow. U know, religious people, dont know why they can never say things straight.

Now, listening at home - I didnt feel as strong & powerful, but I am indeed interested to explore, and while, strangely - these 2 days I did have weird dreams. Not something very sci-fi but at least I remembered it and was able to record it partially. One was....I got a souvenir from somewhere - it's fusion elements from Mars and it can glow in the dark.

I want to fly

While listening to this song, I feel like flying. Vaguely, I remember - I heard this song as my ex-hus took me to this concert, I didnt know this taiwanese singer back then, but quickly fell in love with this song, coz everything sounds so simple even his lyric meaning.

Then, while listening to this song - I heard some bad news from a fren. Her sister from uncle side was "beaten" to death by GZ police and her dad is in hospital. Ar, makes me want to fly even more.

While, listening to this song, I think of a person - waiting for his msg. Wondering if something happens. So, yes I want to fly to the sky, roam around the sky, watch from above - and then shit to everyone from above..........hehe.....shits of blessing. Yes paradoxical, but if it's a blessing, shits also seem good.

hehe. sorry, my mind is abit distorted today....

Lyrics is basic -  Love is simple and already forgot how we started but then I am now crazily in love with you. No Regrets, No anything, but I just love you & will never give up the rights to be in luv with you.

The more cliche, the more realistic 

We live in a meshwork of paradoxical & unity

See My Past

As I was rambling on bitching about some crazy guyz, I at the end....did meet up with my ex. :P The thing is my toilet light was out, he was kind enough to offer to change for me. We had a nice time, but one thing - haha - he kept saying "I hate CHU" (I hate U) which was our sweet talk long time ago. Basically, I just ignored him. I really think I am a freaking passionately hot human being, yet I could be a damn cold bitch at times.

Then we had a nice dinner, chat. And thanks to him, he kinda vindicated me something that has been marginally bothering me, which is, I have been called "High maintenance". I have tried to argue my way through with people to justify their accusation, hehe. The fact is, if people think U r, there's no way to fend off anyways. So I accepted this accusation on the surface. Coz honestly, how could someone not money-minded, no demand in bf wealth or gifts showering be high maintenance. And also, I dont buy branded goods much at all...maybe every 5 years once? Well, though, I like unique stuff, chic looking bags, yes I love shoes very much, and also vintage......well how can a gal so in love with getting people used clothes, bags, shoes be....high maintenance?!?! :)

Anyhow, I asked him - so people say I am high maintenance, what do you think? He - U? No way, how could you be? I - yea, fucking rite, how could I be. And the only thing I am high maintenanced of is intelligently, emotionally & mentally, apart from that I got not much request. Thanks to him, now I feel so much better!!!!!! hehe......though somewhat he still thinks I am a bitch. The cute kind, :)

And after seeing him, I feel like - it was my past life. I was abit different back then. Clingy, jealousy plagued, etc etc....and all the men I was with, they were kind of weak or poor....hehe....ie not a way to badmouth them, I know but that's the fact. And by stopping dating for almost 2 years, it really helps me to re-adjust my inner esteem and decide more what I want now. 

Frankly, I feel happy to see him becoz it's like finally - not just I got vindicated, but I also got cleared of my certain karma in relationships. And I am delighted to see that from his past reliance on me for daily living roof or food, he's now a stand alone person with quite good future....anyhow, I am always glad to see the men I sent back to the world are well & all.

:)

Fasting

I am not sure why lately alotta people talk about fasting, there's a new trend in HK - it's a mixed of fasting with Chi Kung (the chinese kinda like Riki kung Fung thing - I think), it seems it cleanses many bodies and slims many of them down. The duration is 7 days. Well, it involves meditation as well. 

This, I wont try. I dont like the 7 days thing. Too controlling. :P

Well, but fasting - I did that before, 3 days. It was during church time - I would fast for 3 days, but I find that when ones attempts fasting ever, you would realize that the food that you never even have a craving before would just ALL FLOOD to your head. And you start to feel - that will be the first thing I am gonna eat when that hours of torture are done.

Now, I never attempt.

But lately, I am fasting in food & sleep. Basically, I dont eat much and I cant sleep much. So it's a dual fast. No particular reason, just couldnt. I think I really need some sleeping pills now.

Today morning, some news, kinda got my adrenaline beefing up, so well, I didnt sleep for whole day, but guess tonite I would have a sweet sleep. I am forcing myself to do alotta errands today, so I wouldnt be tempted to have afternoon nap at all.

I honestly dunno how to set my body clock, I always think I actually dont have one. Well, maybe it's just few hours diff, but when I was in Spain, I didnt hv jetlag, then when back to HK, I didnt have jetlag too. I basically never really experience jetlag, as far as I remember - I follow the daily schedule rather than my body clock. Also, sometimes I follow maybe my darling(s)'s body clock.

Now, I feel I am so uncool. haha. Anyways, ie what has always happened. :)

YAWN. Just wanna drop a note to say Hi. :)

deliated memory

I met up with few frenz today, after being a basically cocoon melancholic depressive worm for weeks. So I went to meet a fren who went through & is going through similar things as now-me. So she had few frenz with her.

O well, may I bitch?

Sometimes I get really really sick of people detailed description of a thought - which is so tedious, not something intelligent & mind provoking. But I gotta thank her as she really distracted me from depression, as I realize that someone deserves more depression than me. hehe.

OK, what did she wrong me? Well, as I already said yesterday was the Full Moon or the Mid-Autum Festival, so she went to this BBQ. And she (shit, I feel I am boring U even by repeating her, but I want to justify why I felt so fucking bored by her, still lingering this shitload of boredom in my every cell - but once again, yes I have to thank her for her super boring amuzement) -

OK so her frenz asked her to get a box of mooncakes (yes during such festives we eat mooncakes, what's that? Well, it's packed with gelatinated glue of sugar & egg yolks, I think - I hate the taste of it) - and she got pissed becoz they wanted the tin box to play the "candles (yes another HK practice, during such festives we burn candles for fun, not for ambience, and we have lanterns - for what? ummm....supposedly, traditional it's an intelligence enhancement - coz each latern should have some sort of idioms or I dunno what it calls - guess words? attached on them). OK back to her, sorry - so she got pissed that maybe her frenz wouldnt pay her back the money...........HAHAHHAHAH......and coz she has been used many times to run errands already. So she had this thinking process what excuse to offer why she didnt show up with the tin can & of coz she did go around to find one. 

I laughed. I couldnt help it at that moment. For 1, if your frenz r so sux, fucking ditch them, delete them outta your life. My time is for wonderful & intelligent people ONLY & Solely. For 2, Just show up and says "Opps, I fucking forgot about that, as I am too busy (i) shagging a passerby; or (ii) I was buzzed by too many guyz to attend their events - ALWAYS LIE..........hehehehe......I would do that, seriously, why do I need to care about a bunch of people like that!!?? And honestly I dont hv such frenz at all.

Sorry, I made her sound so fun, no, it's coz I am fun, not her. She also said about some other events....in such a way. And so I said to her, this person I met for 1st time & I well believe it's going to be last - Ummm, gal, U should (I rarely SHOULD people) never remember things such tedious things in details, it will make U happier (what I am trying to say wasnt to care about her happiness - I meant, if U continue to talk like that, U are gonna end up alone!!)

hehe, yes I am horrible, but seems I have been an evil & a horrible person lately, I really dont mind sending much evil thoughts to curse others. hehe.

:P

on Full Moon

Criminal thoughts are boiling up.

Werewolves world is getting agitated.

My world? Alone & Lonely. hehe.

So I am going to take my dogs out to gaze at the moon when it's dark & all.

I never really care about festives very much as it's just a date set from long long time ago by some King or tribal leaders to get people do some ritual together. I am more hoping some new festives I may derive for myself one day....I mean some should be evil ones, or maybe some are some sorta anniversaries or something.

Honestly, I also dont care much about bday or anniversaries. I sound like I dont care about anything, rite? hehe, it's partly true. Only when you see the value in sharing it with someone you love, then everyday becomes a festive. This year - hard to say, I am not meant to share with that someone. Sadly. :(

So I am lonely. Today.

I never really desire to share this Full Moon with my ex-es, rather, they would buy lanterns for me. I always just shrugged it off, as it's not fun for me. But this year, I want to gaze moon with that person. hehe.....yet he's not here, not yet a reality. Sadly. I would call him Mr Gazzi here, well, abit like Mr Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, you see. :))

I miss my Mr Gazzi. I mean I miss us together. I never miss "us" together. I think, the taste of missing us is abit traumatising for me - as it's no longer an imaginary world. I had my imaginary world before, I talked to my imaginary lover, or lovers, hehe.....we would do our imaginary talks or stuff together. Sounds crazy? No, I think it was quite healthy. But then lately, I also realize one thing.

I roamed around the world for so many years, today I was woken up - I guess with knowing Mr Gazzi character does exist does shock me to awakening, indeed. In the past, why all my relationship fails, it's simple - as all my ex-es said the same thing one way or another that I projected such a huge expectation upon them. Yet, I never felt I imposed anything on them.....truth be told, if people who knew me with my ex-es, e.g. Bruce, he could testify one thing - I was a great gf with basically limited expectation. For e.g. I never really cared what profession he had or if he got a car or which university degree he got or how much he made or if he's going to get married with me, or etc etc etc etc - I mean in HK - how hard to find a gal like me so absent-minded with all these things. hehe.  Honestly, even if they told me above, I would forget in next 5 mins. :) So all my frenz did reprimand me to be more realistic or whatever.

I also dont feel I am not realistic, one thing - I know I will never end up with them. I am just a character to play in their lives, I always feel - maybe by giving my compassionate love, this person could become a better person. Yes, like so many other galz, I had a saviour complex, but maybe to guys - if they could understand women better, we just wanted to be a mom to embrace U....but to guyz, this behaviour is really tedious, they love it & they hate it, so you guyz would say - "women like to be busybody and try to change me".

But I guess, at the end - I knew & I know they couldnt match my imaginary lover, or that particular person in my real dream (not day dream) when I had that dream at 14, or 16, dont recall. It's kinda enchanting.............I just remember his eyes.

Yet,

Say to your lovers or your gfs today - that thanks to them they want to change you on this Full Moon day, it signifies "metamorphorisis" or "shifting" (my versions) - thank them for being a woman, thank them for being so busybody, thank them for trying to make U become a better person. BELIEVE me, tonite, you will have very good orgasm!! 

I quit my saviour complex now, I need someone to save me, to shower me with alotta compassion. Frankly, I am tired..............I feel I have driven hard with pride these years, today, I am tired. I am abit afraid to lose this inner strength to fight tomorrow literally. 

So even people dont really do that, but I am going to make not a wish but few wishes to the moon. Oh yes, when I was studying in Melb, at night while walking home, I always talked to the moon. And I remember I wrote few entries of journals about that. The moon to me is a HE - so he's been with me, protected me, watched over me.

So today, long time no talk to the moon and ie what I am going to do - I will ask him to grant me my wishes. My current profession endeavor - pls solve within 2 weeks. My love - will be mine in reality. My friends & family - will find joy & peace. And as for me, I will be wiser, cuter, more witty, more creative, better vocab, finally could pen down my book idea........within next 12 mths, then....maybe abit greedy - if I hv been granted 30 years more of life, I just have this special wish which will be known between my Moon & me.

Happy FULL MOON everyone!! May you enjoy the FULL MOON magic......not just today but everyday!

Love, xoxo

Movies I watched within one week

Apart from previously mentioned Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind, I watched quite a no of movies on plane or at home. Here are the list:

1. let me in - a child vampire story. Interesting, but heard it was borrowed from a swedish film " let the right one in", I will search for it some day.

2. Girlfriend experience, starrred by ex AV gal Sasha Grey (?) - she isnt a bad actress at all. It just talks about how she struggles as an escort - connection? pure shag? while being in a committed relationship with a bf. 

3. Midnight in Paris - I never really like Woody Allen movies. I just dont like its vibe, not that I watched many of his. This one is cute, yet I feel the actors are not properly given a script, as U could feel some lines they improvised themselves. But I like the ending, kinda old school hollywood cliche movie ending, but sweet.

4. Thor - wow, actually it's not bad. I like it. I specially like his recklessness. It's not all goodie kind of superhero stories.

5. Biutiful - great performance, but I cant associate it too well. Though, I am watching it through someone's mind. :)

6. Fish Tank - my fren Dion said he preferred this than An Education. Ummm, I prefer the latter still, it has a touch of class and abit less realistic. Fish Tank is very cruel in its portrayal - and I always cant bear to see kids being treated this way, it's same as ABUSE by mom, family & society. It's too sad for me.

7. The Darjeeling Ltd - ummmm, cute. recommended. Very manhood searching for meaning but in a funny setting. My kind of film - abit fantasy, surreal.

8. Rewatched - Love Actually, The Fall, There's something about Mary

9. Some other I watched half way such as Water for Elephant, Fargo....if I got a chance will get the dvd since i picked them from the plane.

Whenever I am gloomy

I will watch few movies...which I guess I mentioned here before.

The first one is always Love Actually - becoz it makes one believe in something, or maybe round the corner, something may happen for me. I esp like the part where Collin Firth with the Portuguese fell in luv - it's abit surreal & fantasy. But sometimes, maybe language isnt that important? It's the sexual attraction....haha, or namely pheromones. 

Then, maybe I would watch Copy Cat as I always like serial killer stories. No matter how many times I watched this show, I never got bored and I got no reasons why. Yet, it gives me the thrill.

Then, it could be Sausalito - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0240880/ with Leon Lai. It's a simple but cliche love at first shag story, but it always reminded me that I went to Sausalito before just coz of the movie. And this movie is sweet.

Then also if I want to cry, I always watch The Fall - just luv the chemistry between the Roy (Lee Pace) and the romanian child actress. And it always makes me cry at the end - no matter how many times I watch it.

Now, maybe I will have a new addition - Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. It reminds me alotta things somehow. I think afterall as I said before, I am a fairy tale gal. I like anything borderline fantasy or surreal. This movie is one.

What are your list?

Die hard? hehe

First Date

I am so excited for my good fren - C who is going on a first date today. I hope either this is the last first date or signify more dates to come......in regardless, both statement means good ending. 

I cant remember much usually my first date with anyone, I am usually pretty cool about it, as I didnt get too worked-up, but of coz at home I was always all ready & prepared. Ummm, but sometimes some first, U dont get memory on the spot, but the afterwards memory was significantly daunting & mesmerizing. 

The first kiss that makes you become a kid again

The first gaze that electrifies you

The first declaration of luv in a strange way or romantic way

The first goodbye for the luv U r in luv with

The first sleeping in the arm with the one you could really sleep with

The first tear

The first harsh stabbing pain

Well, of coz, after some time, the first I am talking about doesnt necessarily mean the first first, I think in order to really experience the "real first", we all may need the many first beforehands. Of coz, it would be wonderful if the first is the first memory, but maybe for me - I dont really work like that.

I suppose everything is the first always has its grand meaning to it, be it bad or good. They somehow worth remembering. But frankly, I dun even remember who is my real 1st bf or my 1st kiss, hehe. I am bad at that, as I dont like memory very much, be it bad or good.

But I do remember my "real first" kiss on the street, gently sometime ago - whereby we both could feel we suddenly turned into 2 kids, standing in the street, stealing our first kiss - I think this first real first kiss worth more imprinting for me, than  my first first kisssss (which as I said, I couldnt remember who and what the heck was his name) hehe.

Hope it doesnt confuse U. But

Yes I am excited for my fren and I hope - we will continue to find our first real or real first. It's magical when we could have the first real of the first of everything. And we will always have something to look forward to in our lives. :)

Seeing the world in a blurry vision

Lately, people around me start doing the eye laser thing - so their eye sight could be corrected. Since my sis did it, I started thinking - if one day I would like to undergo such a seemingly low risk and forever clear eyes surgery?

My answer is NO!

I think, for me, I enjoy seeing things in a blurry vision, i do not enjoy seeing everything clearly so to speak. The flaws, the imperfection or even the perfection - I dont really want to see with my physical eyes. I guess, I use more of my invisible eyes. hehe

The above I wrote like weeks ago, but I am glad Mr Z isnt gonna go ahead with it. Well, it's practically low risk but as I said - I prefer the choice of being blurred. What's the point of hving clear vision when U cant even see your inner self clearly? Ie my thinking - not disregarding if U already have done so or going to do so. Honestly, maybe one day when my nerve is creased I would go ahead & do it too.

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I just realize I got many drafts on my blog so I am retrieving them or discarding them. :)

Quotation 1

I luv citation, quotes - sometimes they contain such a dense messages. So I am attempting to do some quotes here.....starting from 28Aug 2011, initially I wanted to wait for 10 quotes, but since the last one, I couldnt come up with any.....seems BCN didnt inspire me much. Maybe I will think of Gaudi abit more later.......so here U go the first 6. Enjoy. Brainstorm, Feedback. Thanks.

Ding Ding Ding - just to make my brain synapse more....

1. Sometimes, someone just mystify your existence.

2. I want to say I have been a 20 yo for past 40 years (when I reach 59 yo - and looking forward to 60 - not in vampire's aspects though)

3. If he's the ONE, you will know it ONE day, but surely not Today.

4. Real BOREDOM seems such a happy & remote moment. No Nothing seems such a luxury.

5. Missing "us" is a better notion than Missing "You".
"Missing" us is more melancholic moment that "Being" solo.

6. Which one is harder?
Fighting a war or applying diplomacy?
Both requires strength, wit & patience.
So I have no answer as I am not the leader of the world.
But, one thing I know, at times, in love,
To fight is so much easier than not to.

Battle Fields

There are sayings in chinese:

"A redundant field no one wants, once the filed has been plowed on, everyone fights for that specific field" OR

"the nextdoor bowl of rice always smells better"

Ie what I am feeling past 2 months. To update you on my experience on men:

1. Mr Linkedin - I told him I could only have a friendly meal with him like few weeks ago if he came to HK. But since then, he gchat me, gmail me - which he wouldnt be so diligent in doing so before. Now I told him - no nothing, he gchatted me alot. So today, he asked again - No date for me?! I replied - sorry, I cant. I hope he would leave me alone. I am abit frightened by over-zealous guyz. I am not 18yo, I dont want that. It doesnt make me feel special - wanting to make me feel special, write me a poem. haha...ie more 16 yo stuff, but it may work on me. I think it's so wrong asking me or maybe galz......if we would be willing to go on a date with him so many times when I already said I couldnt, wouldnt.....esp I start to feel he's psychologically disturbed. Who would be so desperate to get laid? 

2. Mr Korean - we didnt keep in touch for........................maybe thousand of years. I had a 2 week fling with him when I was in LA. It's fun & he's sweet. Tall, played bass. Ie the reason I went out with him, hehe. But.........when I left he said "we just pauseeedddd and we would start again once we meet". I was thinking, ie really convenient for u, man! But then I didnt think we would meet again. So some months later, maybe even some years later after I left LA, he sent me a msg asking me if I got a bf yet. I said, of coz I had. He said, didnt we agree we "pause" and "re-start" later? I said, it's funny for you to remind me that when you havent been in touch with me.....like for years. And now, he msg me again telling me he would come to HK by end of the year. Why tell me that? To "restart"? Shits, in his fucking dreams!

3. Mr A - my ex. Same thing as Mr Korean. How we broke up was funny enough. It explains how men r such idiots at times, thinking all women just pause and wait for their gigantic manhood to fulfill them. We didnt officially break up but since he went back to UK - we didnt keep contact for over 6 months, so what did I expect? Of coz I found myself another bf.....hahahaha.........when he saw my pic with him on msn (which was there for more than 3 months then), he asked - who is the guy next to u? I said - my bf. He said - ummmmm, so have we broken up??????? hahahahahahaha..........my god. Now he's coming back, thou he came back few times asking to meet with me, I always got thousand of reasons I couldnt. Anyways, will see this time....what reasons I could use.

4. Then of coz another Mr V - which I officially deleted him from my life. At first, he said he luved me...HUH!!???????? I got really scared by that as we didnt even have an official date. Then next, I told him, sorry man, I couldnt "be" with U. He then said, he just wanted sex. I said, sorry dude, I disliked the SP thing. Disgusting term for me. I am not a strict person but I prefer good connection above all else. He then said, OK, he would put me in other category - yes what other cats? I would be his companion for hiking, dinner, etc but no sex. hahaahahhaah.............................well, I said, ie fine to be a friend. But when he asked me out - he complaint about my unavailability for shagging him. Shits, I left right there, as I told him - dude, U r fucking boring. To lure a gal, U dont blahablah complaining. Use your tiny brain, not your small penis. hehe (I didnt really say that....:P)

5. Some others......which r not as ridiculous & funny............

(edited as forgot to mention the BIGGEST ASS OF ALL)

This guy I worked with - I could say officially he destroyed my career life 3 years ago. And I was always appropriate & friendly, as the usual me. Pretensious, endearing, co-operative, opinionated at the same time during work - ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I just realize he gossiped me to my another "colleague". :(
he said, I was not nice to him anymore since I knew he got married, which was like few months ago, but U know what he did after he got married? First he came to HK for basically to me no reasons - just to have meeting with me, then he insisted me to go to Taiwan with him in following week or som which I didnt want to at that time, as my dog was very sick. And when he came to HK that time, it was just weeks after his marriage - which I knew he was with his then gf for many years, though he told me all his betrayal secrets too.
But he hinted that I was into him to other people and now no more.....shits, what an ass. Yes he's french. But french isnt really like this I know. I think for surely he's psychologically disturbed with small dick. For sure. I never check so I dunno, but I guess if I am not into him, for surely my thrid eye could feel he has small dick! I am furious...what an ass to badmouth me like that, on top of other women he already badmouthed about. He's already 50.....is it midlife crisis or so?

ASS of the ASSES!!!!!
(thanks for lisenting)

I am not trying to brag, as I hvnt got much luck in dates or men for years. Yet, once something started, some funny coincidence upon coincidence occur.......though I am sure U hv something to say about women, I am fine with that, as many many coverage about women already said & done repeatedly. Coz they are all written by men. While, for women, sometimes yes we are more desperate coz we want to get married & have kids, blahblah. But aint we all ultimately just want to be less lonely on this earth? Why being so desperate? In shag or marriage? Will we be sure we wont be lonely after all these done & shit? But guess, yes surely men r from another planet, women from the next one........maybe if we could meet at the middle point, ideally, something wonderful could have been sparked.

Telepathy

I once had a story of 2 lovers who were apart, yet they could communicate via telepathy. I believe in such possibility. And I think somewhat I got that in my life. Certain times, I was writing something down - and this person would somehow send me a msg that kinda answered what I was asking or writing on the letter. 

Then, I kept hving dream of the same person today, for all 24 hrs. I mean if I did sleep for 24 hrs. One dream was quite weird, I was driving on the left side, must be BCN influenced, yet I cant actually drive. So I was stumbling on driving the car, which I could manage somehow - this car was that person's car, I also dunno why I was driving his car. Then, I looked to the right, I saw 2 french friends that I knew of in another car, next scene, they were already on my right seats. And somehow, they wanted to take over the driving, and it was like those fantasy dream in movies - one on the far right was kinda like whistling & dancing abit while moving around 2 things in front of the car- kinda like since now they are all the right hand side, so the tools should try to bend to the "left way". Then the middle gal was driving though the wheel was with me. It's kinda surreal. Yes also, there was no brakes - more like hidden brakes. And we reached a toll or something - and I gotta pay the toll , at the same time I opened a box of presents with many fruits in it - then I heard the telepathy message. He said I gotta no worries and he would pay for the toll and then also some other telepathic msg amongst the fruits. Weird......................

Gestures

If you want to see my pics in BCN, feel free to check out - https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150762562515507.716459.730940506&l=abd8905ae4&type=1

I realized from the pics taking with my "colleagues" - they are not my real colleagues, long story - I sticking out tongues alot, U know why....as a whole, I felt uncomfortable in the env, tongue is the cutest & best hiding mask to date for me.

As some europeans ask me many times, why HK chinese like to have a sign of "V" when they take pics. It's not just HK, basically it's Japan, HK and most parts of Asia.....coz apart from signifying "victory" which was supposedly the original meaning - but for asians, they are not comfortable being ourselves, hving a "V" is like having a gadget or tool to hide our face or our insecurity. I am not sure if it's correct, but I am pretty sure I am. 

Then brought me to a woman I met during the trip, she was super alienated from the team. The group pic she always stood a meter away from everyone. And when she looked me at, she would scan from my shoes to my head then back to scanning my face - super weird. But somehow I know she isnt a bad person - so I kept smiling to her, tried to strike a conversation. But after 2-3 days, I wasnt going to do more, then she started talking with me - hehe....actually she was quite interesting to talk to.

Also, this goes back to....sometimes how much people would do to alienate themselves from others, or making certain gestures to mask their insecurity or uncomfyness.

O well, human nature, I suppose. :)

Opinionated vs Complaint

Had a discussion with one of the bosses in BCN....:P

We were talking about french and he isnt. He said he liked french "complaining" or what he called - "frankness" style, yet I said, to me they were complaining more. Ummm, well, upto your judgement. But I do appreciate their upfrontness in what things they dont like most of the time.

however, is there a fine line?

Yes of coz, there's a fine line in everything. So I thought for few days what the fine lines are.

Being opinionated, yes hv frankness in it, but it raises a "thought" without much emotion. And genuinely, they believe in what their opinions are being represented. It could be judgmental opinions, of coz....but usually they use the brains to raise the "opinions". It's about his/her view on what's right or what could have been better.

While, complaint - it is generated with emotions together with opinions. I think it's fine to complain once in a while, and it's healthy to do it. However, if one indulges in such - everything isnt right, everything could have done better - there's not even borderline "being opinionated". It's actually polluting the world with negative thoughts & energy.

What do you think?

I am In Barcelona

Going to Spain was one on my list but now I am here, I feel nothing. Maybe it's coz it's a biz meeting, with some ass I am trying to find his loophole to....attack him....really. I hate him. I seldom hate but I am so good at faking smiles, hey brother, how r u doing? Everything OK on your side, blah. Anyways, just part of games one has to play in our lives anyways. This is my reality. Here, I am freaking honest, over the reality, I am trying to be as genuine, but I fake alot too....and sometimes I even seem ignorant. Anyways.

Yes BCN. Well, the weather is nice. Should hv some tour tmr or sthg. But it doesnt excite me alot. Frankly. And this place somehow reminds me of some melancholic moments I am experiencing - the forcing back to reality & giving up dreams. I mean I had a dream. I luv Out of Africa opening - I had a farm in Afirca. I always think, I want to start by saying - I had a dream in the alternate universe. :)

Yes BCN will forever remind me the drag & agony I am bringing with me. I hope it also means there will be renewal, revival of some sort within my soul or my heart.....embarking, ie what I am wishing for. I want to cry but I cant. I want to sleep but I cant. I want to drink but now wine makes me dizzy. I want to eat but food makes me want to throw up. (I am not pregnant....hehe)

 

Now I am no longer hoping to go to Spain, Prague....well, I will still go, but there are these few magical places I need to be...one day. I would see this as completing a dream someone drafts for me. And I luv the dream.......so, I want to put 2 songs here, both John Lennon. And I will write soon when I go back to HK or maybe tonite.....hehe.

Thanks for caring & stopping by. xoxo

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind

I did watch alot of movies, I mean....quite a number of movies, but still many a time I always miss some good ones, and thanks to my good frenz who love movies, they have endless suggestion or even free DVD or free service to download for me. And of coz, at times, with my best fren - Bruce, he would circulate the movie reviews to us. I am not very upto date what's coming up & so on, but I am glad I got good frenz.

So, last nite, I got the disc, should say my fren Dion lent me the disc. And I watched it from 6am, then by 8am, I cried for 15 mins. I always cry for such movies or plot - I guess it always reminds me of something, or some of my dreams or ideas. And of coz, the moments of trying not to "forget" something, trying to "fight" against the process of deletion - is something I am quite familiar with. Hence hving blog, hving letters are a good tool to assess to the memory. (I am a naturalist in deletion).

Yet, in the movie, the characters have to hand back in all the items, pics, letters, doodles in order to erase the memory that pains them - of coz, if it's so easy, we would all have gone through it somehow. Always, in our lives, we wish we would forget something....like we never lived that period. But it's impossible somewhat, of coz.

I think you should watch it if you havent, or if U did, re-watch it - esp if you are with someone, or desperately want to forget something - Is it all that good just to forget & erase?! Is there really such alienation between you & him or you & her that can't be saved? Why was it neccessary to forget the love you once felt & experienced? He/She is standing right in front of you. Make a choice to think - if he/she deserves your "working" once again? your "rekindle of luv" once again? I am sure most of you will say YES, he/she deserves! Then, go & do something!!!!! QUICK! NOW!!!!

I luv few quotes and sometimes I do think I am a concept but I am just an imperfect gal wanting to be perfected in her various little ways together with someone, maybe. 

And while, despite I claim myself a good deletion naturalist, it's just part of my survival skills. Someone taught me that, actually an indonesian that I met during the "riot" period in Jarkarta almost 10 years ago, I bid to his advice till today - always find a way SURVIVE. 

(umm, why I was there? Coz my reasons - wanted to see what riots or so called "wars" were like......and yes I was taking slight risks, as I was told they would rape CHINESE looking gals, but I went anyways. I saw many burnt bldgs. People were sitting sleepishly & aimlessly on the streets - I hated the look of emptiness in those pple's eyes. And I understood - they were dangerous, as in their head, there was nothing to lose.....)

And maybe its ageing or starting to understand abit more stuff - this phrase - Enjoy it! It's one of the toughest to say actually, becoz it makes alotta effort to really achieve. BUT, I find it to be most rewarding thing on earth if U could indeed be in it. :))

Have a great week ahead! xoxo

=============================================

 Some of the dialogue I like in there - 


Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

Mary: How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.  " the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"

Joel: Hi.
Clementine: Hi. Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again. I guess I thought you were... humiliated. You did run away, after all.
Joel: I just needed to see you.
Clementine: Yeah?
Joel: I'd like to, um... take you out, or something.
Clementine: You're married.
Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.