Memory of that split second

As of this moment, I know what I should do - PACK & PREPARE to move, but I really dont feel like doing anything, except sitting here to think, wearing a princess crown on my head - to think more fairytale-ly.

Sometimes, I wonder why certain things that I put on make me feel like I am a fairy. Interesting. Did I ever say that I liked fairy tale? I esp like Little Mermaid. Maybe it's the songs. Anyhow.

I am thinking - I am doing some thinking of the split seconds of memory. I am quite good at not remembering stuff nowadays, but then when a split moment of memory split by - I could relive that bliss or plight of that moment. The things happened to me lately has destroyed some good part of mine, but it also has grown some constructive side of mine. I am not sure how the effect will be, but I feel it's time I should start writing the book I have been talking about. Some tell me, I shud just start right here right now. I am thinking of the beginning or the prologue. But you know what, screw it, I am going to do it.............I want to capture this split seconds of memories. They are somewhat heavy  happy and heavy sad.

Now, this moment, I really feel like to exhale all my breath so just to suck in the every drop of air around me. Yes, ie how I am feeling right now. It's good, I am going to have a balcony in my new flat, so I could try to walk outta "window" without thinking - should I jump just to breathe in the air I am desiring after. Sadly, I wish I could cry, but I couldnt anymore. I dont know where my tears have gone to. Maybe, as I wish, they were all shed. I once believe that my tears could fill a standard size of swimming pool. haha, now, it's dry......

"My luv, My luv, stay here"

"I am wandering to the desert"

"I am lost in the mirage - and it's crystal clear, how strange!"

"Come back here, My luv My luv"

"Dont go near the mirage. Folklore says, Mirage is a blackhole, dont go near!!"

"It's going to suck you in and you could never come back"

"Stay here, My luv My luv"

"Dont you go near the mirage of blackhole. It's going to suck you in"

"Please, just stay here at where you are"

"The wind is blowing. I cant stand still. I need to walk"

"Dont walk towards it"

"Just stay here"

OK....yes

OK, yes.....maybe coz of my period just arriving 1 hr ago, I have this melancholic moment.
I have no words to explain but I managed to squeeze few drops of tear. It's an improvement, as a previous famous crying baby, I cudnt shed a drop of tear. I am glad I finally actually did.

Pain & Tears

I met a dear friend of mine tonite. I hope she would read it here. What I want to say to her is that - DONT CRY anymore.......be tough facing the nasty people. Be as arrogant & bitchy as you can when you come face the horrible dudes. They just like to prey on the emotional types, so enhance your EQ, be happy at this moment. Dont allow these assholes affect your emotion for more than 12 hrs, ok 24 hrs la for you! You got me, You got your family, You got friends, YOU got YOU. No need shed tears becoz they belittle you. DONT!

(((((HUGZ))))) x 100000000000000 TIMES

I really believe if you could go through this, the repeating pattern will diminish. The universe only allows potential people to go through stuff. Idiots have no need to go through stuff. So how can you be AT ALL useless? :) Luv U. Just stay focuzed. Do what you have to do. Prepare the next step. Find clarity in the midst of mess. 

Thanks for calling me - I am so glad I could be there for you! KISSES.

few nites in a row

Today, I just realize I didnt eat last few days, except a small breakfast.
Like last nite, I wanted to make something but I just got no appetite..................
Universe, just take me away from this misery...........I got no strength to be better, to fight.........
Too many dramas these 2 years, enough is enough
Just kill me now.

Collapse

Sigh, i think it happened.
My world is back to grumbling rockbottom again.
OK, maybe it's time to just.............do something else. Holy SHITS!

Book

Lately I told Mr Pasta that I would want to write a book, no, few books.....about my dreams, or about my research in my head.....or just about me..........

It's very nice that he has been asking me every 2 days if I have started it or not. This brings me to think.....

Sometimes in our lives, we do need someone to remind you how good we are, or what we should do. It's not like we dont know it, but we need that nudge, that push. Today I am under very anxious state, so I have been writing here nonstop. I keep wanting to write so I can keep my mind off it. And maybe I should really start assigning time to write the book I always want to do..........yet I am very greedy as I dont know I should write about my sci-fi dreams or my research. And the easiest way out is ...... to kinda sew some of the pieces here together, dah-dan....here's a book. Arrggghhh, I dunno, maybe I could start another blog for it. I dont think I can write write something - I like writing it here as I feel like I am talking to someone. My mind runs fast when I feel I am talking to people.........

Anyways, I will distract myself now with replying emails and pondering how I should start this book. Yes, guess a new blogspot may be a good idea.....ummm.....ok. :)

Rules

Guyz - treat the galz of your dream or your luver like princess, you will be a KING (stole from a sweet pasta)
Galz - be less princess, your guyz wud treat you like a Queen with respect & romance

Guyz - be consistent
Galz - be less demanding of the consistency

Guyz - message & massage your luver
Galz - less clingy but be proactive

Guyz - spend time with her
Galz - loose the leash, let him have his alone time or guyz nite more

Guyz - understand why women have a leash on u
Galz - understand why guyz need space & freedom

Guyz - crack a joke
Galz - U also crack a joke

Guyz - wear a condom
Galz - always demand a condom

Guyz - just let her cry
Galz - just let him talk and not hate what stupid things he says to comfort u

Guyz - be a man
Galz - be a woman

Danny Chan again.....

This song is my all time favourite, I could memorize the lyrics. I could even sing it at Karaoke. Maybe I should pick up guitar again. I remember Ellie once told me I should sing with guitar - hahaha.....:P 

Inside the song, it talks about "having you, everything is alrite" - and "we could turn into a bird & fish, and we could just be in the infinite sky and ocean", "it is fun even if we fall" - I find the melody always brings me to be submerged into the water, feel the serenity & the clarity of the beauty. Beauty of life, or maybe luv.......

Luv Luv Luv

My gift to you, my good frens, who may have shared the same collective memory of a HK legend. And I want to say I feel U in these lyrics. Coz of you, you have made me so happy! :)

Thanks Bruce Wayne

My Best fren has a secret identity, yes Bruce Wayne. He's a busy man as you know, but,

He always makes me feel I worth Million Bucks, no, I meant Billion Bucks.......hehe.

Someone asked me lately if I got any frenz who know me more than I know myself. Honestly, the answer is No. The most wud be like 70%, I guess. But still, maybe only 30%. I dunno....30% of me, I guess. I am always open to talk about myself but I dont expect people to "know" or understand me. It's abit difficult, isnt it? I dont even spend time to know the person 100% becoz we keep changing, or at least I keep changing......what I want is the mutual understanding of things, of boundaries, and we can share sorrows or happiness, when in times of trauma we are there for each other, when we want to cry, we listen to each other tears.; when we are excited or happy, we genuinely laugh with each other (it's harder than you would think to have someone to be indeed happy with or for you).

Guess if I am upset, the person who knows me best would be not talking to me - just let me be, as I tell you everytime I am the first one to crack a joke to make the moment better. And when I am happy, their eyes sparkle with joy. Ummm, then I can tell I have more than one, actually quite a no of them who "know" me that way. And truthfully. Bruce Wayne is the one who shares most of these moments, not so much now, as we are both very busy - he has his affairs to take care, I have my lifestyle to maintain. But we always talk on emails, share the deep secrets of sadness or joy.........Another person I have to say would be my roomate back in Melb, Ellie Mama, we dont keep in touch much but her love for me......is hard to describe  and of coz vice versa...................

Actually now I want to cry, no actually I am crying now. Some situation has caused me anxiety. It's like I am not sure if there's a tomorrow. Shit, that's how I have been living for the past 2 years.I havent cried for long time but I really feel helpless.

Busy Sats

I was checking my schedule and realize that all my Sats from March till mid Apr have been booked out - Farewell, Mom Big Bday party, Wedding x 2....................

I think I really need to make sure of my weekdays now......weekend will be hard to work with all these fuzz around.

Bored....again

I dont get bored easily but now I am.......becoz I am starting to pack up my place & move to another place, a cheaper one - super lucky me. But I realize people have been giving me so many samples despite I have been giving away every quarter, I still couldnt empty them. I try to be a minimalist, I think I just couldnt be......with my 2 dogs, sis kids' books......yes I am in charge of their education well-being as well. I stopped for few months as I got really stressed out to ensure they get good scores, while their parents are not taking good care of that sector, whereby I couldnt NOT do it, as if they couldnt do well, their mom would punish them......

Punishment being......fine, yes money fine. Or, composition, 2000 words of composition. Then my mom (their grandmom) would be upset they dont do well......the whole things stress me out. Becoz I cannot be there 24 hrs a day, all I could do is to phone tutoring them.

As I am packing up my stuff, I find many of their books, worksheets are with me ....... I kinda have to devote some time to them again. Ie one of the reasons I move away from them, as I want to tutor them exclusively over the phone or skype, instead of running across the street to help them solve their issues (yes they live just across the street).

Well, to some it's little issue........but believe me when U r in my shoes, U just dun get it why U are the one. As for me, I am happy to do it for them as they are the 2 babies I luv the most in this world, yet I am such a loner......I hate to have such committment & responsibilities for something that dont REALLY belong to me. It's kinda....I got no words to explain. I just feel bored at the distraction.......the routinely repeating the vocab, the grammar stuff.....I am not a mother material for sure, but I know I cud be a chic aunt only.....:)

Sigh.....I have been grumbling alot lately, but exclusively here. No one has a earful from me so far, as I am too bored to tell my side of stories.....so if U get bored by my entries lately, come back in 1-2 weeks.....as indeed things are so boring boring............everything is wait wait wait. All my projects are wait wait wait. My new flat is wait wait wait. Arrggghhhhh..................I specially made an appointment with a frenchman who dropped one of the crazy ideas to me - while of coz he liked my suggestion, so I specially made a coffee appointment with him on Tue, as I got so bored that I needed someone to drop more crazy ideas on me. (usually I wouldnt bother with such ideas.....as it's always just talks......)

Arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................I AM BORED.

I should say.....I am fine being alone, I dont get bored being with myself. However, I get so so eaily bored by tedious stuff..........like packing house, like teaching primary kids.........arrghhh....sollie.

Our first stolen cigar & the cupid's arrow

The other nite at a friend's bar, one of the customers ipodded songs from Danny Chan. Took me back to alotta memories. First was how my dad hated him and didnt allow me to listen to his songs, whereby I never fought with my parents when I was young, as it's a survival skill. Next, was the shock he killed himself, which at that time I thought I wanted it too. Then, this song which I actually never listened (since I got less exposure to his songs) reminded me my time in Melbourne, how I was trying to play one of his albums.

And while listening to this song, my friend asked me if I ever been in luv. The truth is never. I dont have this first luv memory - but I dun feel sad, guess in that department I am a virgin. hehe.....

Anyways, enjoy both chinese & english version.

1. English Version

Danny Chan - First Luv

Once upon a dream
When this old world isn't what it seems
My love and I lived inside a smile
The time was nigh
We broke down and we cried
Refriending dragonflies
Lullabyes and funny little rides
We'd spend the night time
Counting countless stars
Choking on our stolen first cigar.
There is no reason , no rhyme
No need of keeping track of time
A life just passing and life just beginning
First love ensnared my mind
Wonderland was waiting
Butterflies went fluttering by
We wore our raincoats standing in the sun
One by one
Good time had just begun
Quite lost in a trance
My love and I lost in loving dance
Turning around and turning again
Never knowing it had to end
There is no future no past
Your first love won't be your last
First love don't last oh no it won't last
But it's worthwhile remembering when 

2. Chinese Version 

中文版     陳百強創作集 --- 初戀
歌曲：初戀主唱：陳百強作曲：陳百強填詞：鄭國江大碟：不再流淚年份：1980
張眼看目前，沒有一些可比那天。
每日與她相見都歡笑
太快樂 我願留住每一天
春季雨綿綿，在那街邊，
讓雨水輕輕濺。
雨水絲絲打我心都甜，
好比愛神的小箭。
情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完 又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。
此際念從前，渡遇多少歡欣昨天。
惱恨愛戀偏偏多變，
這快樂背後藏著了淒酸。
相對再無言，若有交通，
定會傾訴沒完。
兩顆心倘不可以相連，
相見又如不見。
* 情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。  

It's NOT a story

O well, the "friend" I mentioned in my Mutated Universe entry could of coz never get a hand to my blog. I just copy & paste the entry to him. U know what he said - wow, funny story. HUH?! FUNNY...storyyyyyy....??? IT"S NOT A FUCKING STORY. IT"S A WAY OF THINKING.

No wonder I never got the feeling I should let him read here. I dont even want him to be somehow enlightened by my words. To me, it's more insult telling me this, than telling me I look like a man, or call me Mr Birdie. (seriously, when I had short hair, I constantly got mistaken). hehe.

Then, next, I got really turned off if someone called me a princess, which seriously I never had this gene. And fortunately, never been called as well. (I would seriously get mad - U really dont want me to be mad). However, one strange thing is I always got various princesses around me - I am not YOUR boyfriend, STAY AWAY FROM ME. Dont princess on me, plz, women! I tell you the age range sfrom 10 to 60 - yes, ie the range I encounter. But I cant blame them too, they just got it in them......

O well......now, this is a reflection, not a story. My dreams are a story. My detailed description of a day could be a story. This is ALSO not a story.

Sorry, abit frust........

After one month of superactive lifetsyle.....

I suddenly feel abit bumped.
Ummm, yes, it's a guy. Nah, nothing to tell........just abit bumped.

I think women prefer consistency, while men are sporadic.
Ie, why men have spores to spread, women have controlled temp wombs....

Anyhows, no biggies, just abit bumped
it's good to pull me down from the sky at times
I need to be grounded, despite I am a legless birdie.

We are so TINY.

Daily, how many times we complain about this or that around us?! Shitty traffic, horrible passerby........imagine tsunami hit u rite at the moment you were swearing someone. Not worth it. This is not a reflective entry.

I am thinking some of us are so interested in the 2012 Mayan calender, and I am sure this quake is going to spiral to all these spiritual enlightening again. I am excited to see the day of 21Dec2012 too, but I guess we should just live our lives. We are tiny anyways, why do we need to get tinier?

http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/11/japan.quake/index.html

I dont know what I am doing?

My friend whispered to my ears last nite, telling me I wasnt happy and I didnt know what I was doing for my life?!?! HUH???? Hello.....me???? I have transcended, surpassed all understandings, no sorry, MOST understandings......me??? Argh, well...............I guess she was jealous. Honestly, if she could read english, she could have read some of my entries here. I dont talk much anymore, what's the point talking to average brain sized human beings. I dont see the points explaining my views, why I chose certain lifestyle or opt for not getting married to a man who couldnt get his thing up & going, plus with depression? Sorry.......no words from me, speechless. How DARE she compares me with her,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol

Actually, sorry, she isnt my fren. She's my fren's fren but she likes me so much ------she touches me even on a cab,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what's in her right mind? Sorry, I really couldnt be a lesbian. :P

I dont understand why people always want to compare me with them, like "we are the same kind" - ok, I always dare not ask this in a big voice - HOW???????????? BASED ON WHAT??????? We so totally are not similar, yes we are same kind based on my last entry, but.........we manifested differently. COME ON.

But now, in order to make people listen to me, I would always tell them - Yes I am like U, so ie why You should do this instead of that, coz I wouldnt do that, hence You should do this......Cheekie, huh!!??

To be frank, I totally dont get it why people cant live the way they want. Some are idiots, but I think it's blessing for them to be. And the thing is we come in & mess around with them, we are even more idiots, can we save them? rescue them? Who says they are made to be genius?  Just let them be. As my life principle be, dont be judgemental. Actually, I am very judgemental towards myself. Anyhow...........I realize I attain the aura of natural high, not even drugs could replace......hahahaha.....yes I tried something but really I got no feeling (have been stressed) - I wont touch it again as I hate the whole situation........it's totally bullshits why people need to resort to it, I dont see it as a hiding place. I dont understand why they need to mess with it. For me, everything I have been doing is for my research - I should indeed write a book in 2 years time. Frenz, pls mark my word - remind me I should.

Anyways, dont get scared.............I am totally fine. Her words didnt affect me at all, or drugs dont get me liking them at all - on the contrary, finally I tried, I realized I hate it, seriously. :)

Mutated Universe

Someone said to me lately I always used generalization. Actually, I do alotta categorization. My categories or "generalization" are not based on books or folklores, I experience/feel the flow and then analyze the difference, extract the common to come to term my category. I reckon, only 10%, or actually less could stand out to be different, so it's safe to use my category to label certain scenario, certain race, certain human behavior, for me anyways. 

That jumps to, there are always universal truth of certain things. We cant help but be bound by it at times. E.g. We have the gravity. We have the sun in our solar system. We need oxygen. In reality, less metaphysics, we have human behaviour universal truth. They are sometimes beyond your comprehension, yet, as you read Bible stories, they are actually pretty universal. At times, I would wish for a mutated universe intervention, then you have the belief that life could be slightly prettier. That would be sometimes we call "luck".

My friend asked me not to generalize, why? Coz I guess on some level everyone wants to be different. However, as I knew long time ago, we all have the same core, the difference is on the manifestation only. Ie why I dont understand why we dont try to be better, better than the same core. Is it that difficult? For me, I feel on many fragments, I have already surpassed the core, as I have transcended from the basics. However, like a trapped broken leg birdie, I feel I am strangled as well, becoz I am not at all sublimed to another phase, another plane.

Major learning, hopefully if you agree, is to reckon we are all the same, come from same core, wombed/bathed once in that same core (abit matrix theory here) - then you have the power to be different. I guess this is the reverse from what people say nowadays, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. Sorry, I just cant concur with this statement. :)

But all in all, as a universal human being - I gotta say I am VERY UNIQUE. hehe

It always started off like this....

Well, Whenever I have stress, I always have a similar dreamset location - Melbourne. My mind always wanders off there.

Last night, the same, I had a dream of the street I wandered alot when I was there - everytime the place looks different in my dream, this time I wanted to find 3 shops. One would be vintage shop. Another one is always pastry shop - I dont actually go there for pastry, and in reality there was no pastry shop there. Third one, I got no idea what it is and I couldnt remember.........

This time, I was debating in my dream, as usually my dreamset would be different, There was always very elaborate stretch of restaurants - it's not Victoria market, but its a whole stretch of things. So I was telling myself it's a dream, the other one was also a dream. It's good this time I didnt have to be on a tram, as there were always various trams and I gotta walk to the right terminals to take the right tram - in other dreams I always got lost. I rarely got lost with trams when I was in Melb, as I could always felt the rite ones to take.

Too bad the currency is so high, going back there for a visit to my 2nd home wouldnt be at all a bad idea......

Terminating what disrupts my routine

Many things have been disrupting my routines since Feb. Now, I gotta delete, terminate them. Regroup, Refocuz. I am so concerned with my belief, I am so afraid everything will be ruined. I wasnt afraid last month as I just wanted to play. I am telling myself since last week, darling dawn, it's time to stop. Pick up your messes. See someone just terminated you. Shit......first time ever someone fires me. hahaha....but the feeling isnt that suckie at all though. Weird.

However, seriously, I got distracted. I need to focuz back all the numerous projects people have been discussing with me but nothing has yet set the goal towards. Some projects are so conceptual that I am not sure they will fly, but by talking about them make my creative genes moving - when my mouth moves, my mind moves faster and then my body energies. No wonder I got sick as last month my mouth wasnt moving much.....verbally anyhows. hehe.

COME BACK TO EARTH, ORION or STARSEED. COME BACK. COME BACK. I sometimes wish I would be just a starseed flying through the black space, being sucked into the BLACK HOLE. I really really want to know what's inside of black hole. It could be a time-trapper - maybe I could actually stay there and see past, present & future like a movie.

Talking about movies, I hvnt got time to see movies. No chance to check out the film fest as well. Maybe next year. But I need to go to a cinema. I need to be uninterrupted to see a movie. No phones, No dogs - just spend 2 hrs silent. I want to be taken away from this dreaminess I have rite now. Every day for weeks, I feel like zombie. My eyes are blurred and I cant sleep well. Maybe I took something from BKK & TWN back......shit..................hope not!

Terminated

Argh, I got terminated from a project, just got an email. HAHAHAHHAAH.

Well, I seriously didnt put much effort in, at 1st I did, I was working very hard for this company but they dont pay good, despite. Then we could never come to finalizing any things, then I chased for one quotation for "their client" - it took me one month, I still couldnt get it. It's her fault, or mine? I dunno, guess it's mine then.

Argghh, now I have to refocuz on my other stuff.......which would take long time to fly but I am going to spare 60% of my time on the short-term and 40% on the long-term. 

I should still thank the universe for this, as the thing is she's always creeping in my mind - I hate feeling I am not doing enough despite it's peanut money (not enough even to pay rent - how peanut it is), but she did save my toughest hour end of last year, so I will still help finishing the hopefully "their client" project.

Having headaches now. Hope things are all as smooth as I think this year will be. Mr Funny gave me something to read - some Master Key System, heard it circulated bilingual in China. I hope I could master the secret of being successful & becoming money-making machine for others (the code is you have to make money for others in order to make money) - sorry, my level is low, dont really understand completely. But it's good not to understand so I can think, can get something to distract my headaches.

Hope everyone is happy & kicking....luv luv luv