Erotic Story from a useless dude

OK, I received something as below, in chinese, but I will attempt to translate it into english. One thing, this guy, I could 99.9% be sure that he 1. doesnt get any woman, except hooker; 2. he didnt even write it himself, 3, his jerkoff time is less than 1 min, 4. he couldnt even do a woman more than 7 mins (or 11 mins - according to the time used to do a prostitute, average time is btw 7-11 mins. I bet his world-record time would be,......ummmm 30 sec, hehe.

Note - if find erotic stuff isnt your glass of milk, pls skip it....as it's too funny to me and I gotta put it here.

酒店房間裏,流水聲音跑進我的耳朵, 幻想花灑水從你的頭部流向你的頸上,一直跑到你的胸前,

Dripping water race to my ears, in the hotel room, me, fantacizing the shower splashing onto your head & neck, and gradually runs ti your chest

不斷冲激胸部頂點,真是誘人.

It's such a turn-on knowing that the water keeps smashing to the tips of your breasts

水怎會甘心在兩點上,他們馬上順著你的小腹,進占你清理好的陰部. 水不但想擁有最頂點,也希望到達最深入,溫暖,潤澤的寶地.

How could water ever stay on the 2 nipples??! The water smoothly runs to your tummy and then to your vagina. Water doesnt just want to possess the top everest (nipples) but it has to go deepened into the warmest wettest treasure.

當然他們能做到是不斷冲激你敏感部位,重而提升寶地濕潤指數. 正好迎接一會我在洗手間外為你準備的活動.
When the water keeps hitting your sensitive areas, it actually enhances your wetness quotient. Ie when I would come to the bathroom to get ready all the aftermath action with you.
---------------------those just v boring etc etc
我的中指小心找出你的洞穴口.慢慢地放進去.發覺非常容易進出, 相信是你還在回味當中. 手指溫柔進出,你已不用再回味,
When my middle finger goes into your "hole", slowly go in I realize it's so easy to go in,. And believe you are enjoying my gentle fingering.
-----------boring, next

我的肉棒需要出場,他撫摸你的洞穴口,從而濕潤了肉棒.看見你的眼神,多麼渴望我的進入,等,等,直到你跟我說'快進來
IT"S TIME FOR MY MEATLOAF.......yes, my meatloaf on stage. He caresses your hole "cave hole" and u seeing the mosited juiced-up meatloaf, you ask me to enter you asap.
我一路而上,達到深處.不斷抽插,由慢而快,再快而慢,由慢而快，再快而慢， 當我差不多的時候, 我再用手指公震動你的陰蒂. 讓我們一起達到高潮的快感.
OK, something about going in & out, caressing the clit and I cum (?>) so eays....hehehehehe/....slow & qui ck motion - I cum.
你已滿足嗎? 還是你會顯出你的技術,讓我重新站起來?
Are you satisfied? Or you will show off your technique to see him rise up again. 

My god..............I didnt really read it but only 1st sentence, already made me laugh my head off. And now, translating it, I laughed till tears fall like crazy. For one, by washing or showering, U dont get wetter, U get drier......hehehheeh. A woman can cum becoz U move your meatloaf up n down & then your fingering her?? Man....then men will just want to shag men, not women. And actually alotta women dont like the fingering as men think it;s by swirling around.....no....only do the G-nnie, not the swirl. Shit, most men dont get it, they think by doing the repetitive up N down women luv it. No......the up and down is for men. Women are not up n down, women r front n back.

I should really think of setting up a class.....hehehehehehe