Breaking Eggs

OK, I hvnt written past week as I have been quite caught up with some new refinement. Then, I was introduced to this UK TV show- Misfits. It cracks me up big time, and frankly I always prefer british shows more, though US shows tend to have more productivity.

I luv this Nathan guy in the show, he's an asshole, dickhead. Totally - yet U would like him, as u know that he has his sweet side. Kinda U hate and love him at the same time. And at the season 1 last episode, there were few quotes that really made me laugh. Let me try to recap....

" there's only one thing young lady should inset into themselves, ie knowledge"

" As Darwin said, you need to break few eggs to make omelette. It's the time to break eggs"

" Thats the time we should shag each other brain's out"

:)) it's kinda kiddo show, I have to say it's in btw of Heroes and Alpha. But I always find brit actors to have higher calibre as compared to american ones....sollie....:P

I kindly recommend for you to check it out.

Frankly, I cant believe I didnt do any entry last 7 days...it's bad. I will keep it up, it's a matter of momentum and custom. 

Hope U all had a great week last week after the long holiday. kisses n hugz.

What's Love!?

hehe, as I was making pumpkin biscuits for my dogs, so why not, just drop a note about love!?!?! As I am typing with my notebook sitted on my pillow, my small dog Lottie forced her way on me.

1. ie Love, not being annoyed being disturbed most of the times, I gotta say, 5% of the time I got annoyed.

Someone asked me - do I get bored or disgusted or tired cleaning up the poo and pee for them!?

2. Ie Love, not being disgusted at cleaning up shits for the one U love. No complaint. Frankly, I wud get worried if I dont need to clean the shits.

Waiting. I wait alot......for pumpkin to cool down, then mix then bake....usually 2 rounds of baking to last them like 2 weeks.

3. ie Love, waiting isnt an issue, as long as your love enjoys you and of coz my dogs wait alot for me, to get home, to finish the biscuits. Both sides of waiting that create the magic of intimacy.

Learning from experience. I got no real recipe of how to make it, so I cant really tell others how to make this pumpkin biscuits, but I learn it by believing I will do it for my love, I can master the perfection.

4. Ie Love. Not being afraid of making mistakes but improve from it until u master the the art of loving action. Guess applies to making love, kissing....how to touch, how to "oral sex" haha....how to seduce, same....

Just making pumpkin biscuits has inspired me to write my 2nd entries about love.

5. ie Love. love inspires me. it creates a magic fantasy world in my head. If love grows strong, the fantasy enlarges to a point of explosive magic. And I think I am trying to refer to hope....love makes one inspires hopes, creates belief, and trust.

Look around you, maybe there's something that actually makes u think of love......it cud be ur pillow, ur breath.....or whatever, I think if one couldnt get inspired by sthg, find it....as it substains the search of true love, it creates the need to love for love to continue.

Something I shud be proud of

dont you think....I should be proud of myself!?!? After....1.5 yr, I am still writing at least min 1 entry per week here about stuff, about bullshits, about myself. My mind must be so rubbish yet shining. Till now, I dont even care much if my frenz read, and I know at least 2 would.....and then some othe readers from all over the globe...not many...I am not a celeb, but I appreciate ur support that makes me feel, I shudnt never leave a week to zero entry!!!! And you should be proud too, as you have the patience to hear an old fark pretty gal bullshitting too much always....just keep on blaaaa....

Pple say, sex, love make a person vigilant and looking young, and I think hving the ability to just simply polluting the world could be one way too. At least for me, it is....I must write more to keep my youthful look. hahahahaa

kidding, love u all. ^^

Extra-Ordinary Bones

Eve was created by a bone from Adam according to the bible.....or maybe it's just a story, but it's created from something extra-ordinary, be it god or love. Just a prelude.....

I am thinking about extra-ordinary. I luv the confidence TV show Bones - Bones has -"I am extra-ordinary" trust in herself. I always adore people with so much confidence to a point of arrogance as I am like that too. I am extra-ordinary, too. I knew even when I was young but somehow I was still plagued with so much inferiority given, pushed, imposed, shone upon by my family. Anyhow, I broke free at least 51% from this damn, so I am confident with my own extra-ordinariness. Yet, I am not a saviour. I am not god. I cant create. i cant save.

I can only copulate. I can only copy and paste. I can only co-create.

Was watching this movie - The Last Station, it's about Leo Tolstoy and his wife etc. And somehow, it's fiction or not, it doesnt matter. But it started off with his quote - everything I understand, I understand only because I love. I am pretty sure he was in love with his wife and her same to him - it's unbelievable for her to copy 7 times of his War and Peace, it must be love for doing that. Anyways....maybe the love he's referring to, doesnt necessarily correlate to romantic love.

And then somehow lately this extraordinary has been running through my mind. I think no matter how ordinary a person is, he/she cud be extrao, While, no matter how extra-ordinary a person is, he/she needs to experience ordinaries. Without ordinary, there could never be extra-ordinary.

So what am I trying to say?? hehe, it sounds so confusing, huh!?!?

Oh yes, I remember, I wanted to write a book 10 years ago, the title was - the ordinary extra-ordinary me. hehe........I think I am too in love with myself as always.

My friend just called and she told me she wanted to leave her husband. :) I always got such calls as I always a supportive to any form of leaving action if it's not happy. But then, I was sounding so logical and neutral that she was confused.....lol...reverse psychology - too often I support such actions, people wud then argue their way to the dysfunctional rp. The best is - they make their own fraking decision, rather than asking me, dont u think!? Anyways, she didnt really ask me if she shud leave or not, but moments like this, I guess everyone wants to hear "You are right!".

Umm, sorry, this entry is blablah, as I was playing Rachel Yamagata too loudly and I was too attentive to the lyrics, which most r kinda referring to my sentiments. I will write about love (it seems I said this before here in one of the entries and I did....^^)......more about love, and 2012 in coming entries. I have a new thought....not worldly new but my own self new.....

Till then, have a great week. Stay sober and detox for NYE......I need to take few days off from going out, drinking....I need to embark a new page of life and I need to be ready for it. Yup....I did too much during Xmas, drinking, meeting frenz, staying out late , and I feel my liver is abit overloaded. :)))

XOXO

Did U have a magical Xmas>!>!>!>!>!>?????

Always, I wish everyone a magical Xmas. But mine wasnt that magical, just going out and going out. So I wish everyone a MAGICAL NEW YEAR 2012!!!! I have been waiting for 2012 to come, and it's just crazy it's finally just days away. I remember, when I was much younger, I thought 2012 wud never come as I wud be like an old fart. Shit, now I am an old fart, but a stylish pretty kind who has many experience as her medals and scars.

I am not sure what;s gonna happen in 2012, but definitely by end 2012, I wudnt be spending alone. I know that. hehe

OK, just want to say Hi to everyone. Did want to write a dream....it was quite vivid. And will do it later. Maybe.

Lastly, done your resolution yet?!?! if not, do it now. I hvnt done but I will spend an afternoon with my notepad doing that this week. It's kinda cliche really....but it's a good cliche afterall. So why not!?!?!?!

Do leave ur comments here to let me know ur top 3 goals for 2012, if u like, U can tell me even ur 2015 goals, I wud be delighted too. :))

Shameless

Not me! Yes me....
OK, I am going to talk about TV again. Hvnt watched much movies lately. But TV, yes very much, as basically it's a mindless action, I let the whole season run at the back of my skull, while sleeping. That's my habit. And lately I realize that I like Showtime shows such as dexter, homeland, weeds, now it seems shameless is quite interesting, just always drama upon drama - and of coz each episode they could always some sorta solve the "drama".

Well, I wish our lives cud be as fun, we could ensure to solve some drama at the end of the day or at the end of the year. But then at times without issues, what a life there is to live? To experience? To feel triumphed?

more hopeful, I guess

I should give thanks, actually after negotiating with some gods, it seems I got partially what I wanted. At least one out of three fulfilled, it's pretty awesome. Though, something happened on the good news day and that made me reallllllly bitter and sad. And my heart is since still filled with some form of heaviness.....anyways, guess yin & yang.....u need to balance it with some heaviness and lightness, if not it all turns out to be indeed unbearable lightness or heaviness of being. 

Then at times like this, after close to 4 years of being single....of coz I have had different dates or so on. Yet, maybe it's winter, the feeling is quite overwhelming. It never happened much like this before, and I rarely whine about being lonely or alone in the past, except this year......guess once u have experienced love and U cant actually physically be with that person, the loneliness amplifies and it's just unbearable....

It's been really nice to have you guyz checking on me here and lately I got a mega-email, very long and entertaining. And it's good at times, U got people to share your views or express his/her own diff views on stuff with substance. It's even more challenging to reply to the points but I luv this.

then, 2012 is gonna be exciting. More things seem to be looking up, and I am going to enter a new territory that I have never been really fully equipped so it means it's gonna be super challenging, tiring, exhausting - BUT alot to learn. How to make a person fresh is one continues to find lessons, experience - and trully benefit from them, and continuously stimulate the mind makes a person more alive. And I need this aliveness very much.

Yet, a thing to note. Was talking to a fren rgd her triangle love affairs, I feel - she puts too much emphasis on "lessons", haha....guess saying we learn from our mistakes is a positive attitude, yet - relying on learning from mistakes will destroy a person. And I hope, I will be smarter in striking the balance of learning from mistakes vs relying on learning lessons from mistakes.

Heaven & Hell

Im heaven & hell! I take u to heaven and I can bring u to hell! Isn't god the one who does that!? Then I must b god! Mayb everyone actually is....god!!

Left & right! I'm living in left & right situation! My dogs - they are sleeping on my left & right sides! I turn, they follow! My body of left n right sides no longer belong to me!

Life & death! Every morning I want to stab or jump so I can be dead dead! Yet, I try to live in the ebby of much waiting waiting & waiting for all these years!!

Black or white! Hving no white hair pple mock at me gor not using my brain yet everyone wants to dye their hair black so they can look young!

Pathetic n jealous life I'm leading!!!!

I HATE days LIKE THIS

These few days have been dreadful due to some reasons so I luv this song, it just speaks my RAINY spirit.

Some guyz are so weird. OK, this german guy I met via Linkedin, I told about. He buzzed me again and asked me when we could "shag" or his words - "lets have a dinner and sweet time", haha. I said, I cant, I got a bf....:P I really didnt want to hv a sweet time with him. But I am not someone who wud ignore a buzz.....

Then he asked me if I loved my "bf", I said yes I love him. Then he said, you love him then why dont you have a naughty time with me??? kakakakakak

What kind of rationale is that, man!? I am flattered, frankly....I am not a pretty gal. Normal, not ugly. Figure wise? in HK standard, I am FATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. But I am not fat, I have curves, ok!? HK galz have no curves, what so nice about skinny? OK....so yes flattered but...I think guyz are always like this? I dunno....just awkward for me.....

Have been living in colloid hydrogel

Way too long....what the heck is that!? It's actually more scientific term for quicksand. :)

I realize today I have been running inside of the quicksand, no wonder I am so tired - but u watch discovery channel, U know it, once U r being put there, the chance of getting is tough by urself. OK, so that has been my state for long long time.....did I choose? No, I wud say No, I was forced to or simply put there by the almighty hand. Yet,

I think, I am always addicted to challenges or metamorphosis....wud it be a way god is trying to break me and mould me again!? But this time, frankly, this little joke is abit too much for a poor single lonely gal to handle. All sides....absolutely crushed. But then....

A note to think - I am not dead yet, so...does it mean I have a chance, surely I do, I know it, as I could feel, finally I got a hang of how to get outta this quicksand and now I am abit scared to get outta it. U know....abit like the stockholm syndrome....hehehe.....

And then was talking to a fren I havnt talked w for more than 4-5 yrs. What I was trying to explain to her, the first 2 yrs were training mind, and this year is training heart. And they all suck....haha...no, I know in few yrs time, when I look back, I would appreciate every moment of my life these 3 years but at this moment - I cant. 

OK, well, always say better tomorrow....may we hv that too. Together, as buddies. :))

Looking Back

This is one of those mornings, I got up and thought of the many mistakes I made during this year and some time ago. I usually did it every few days in the past, now I do it collectively in one go. I am facing some consequences and maybe doing it now in beginning of Dec is good, so kinda - I could set some resolution end of this month. I have been waiting for 2012 to arrive since dunno-when, yes I am always intrigued by weird stuff....and Mayan calendar has been the topic btw some frenz, eg Bruce since many yrs ago.

I think I always thought, by the time 2012, I would already visit Peru and be transported away from earth, haha. Or it;s already end of time and rapture is taking place, blaaaa.

Mistakes, well....some of the mistakes I made were due to ignorance. Maybe people say I am an impulsive person....yea, maybe, so I made some mistakes. But many were committed due to my emotional state. Somewhere I heard, some women would take testosterones to cure their fluctuating emotion, and I always think maybe ie what I need. hehe.

Lately. I have been wishing abit if only I could be more like my frenz & family, then if that's the case, my life should be less turmoil (maybe). Or if I didnt rely on so much of my decision making skills, guess....I wouldnt be alone now. Or, if I did this or that, I would be a more successful person, etc.

This year is esperically obvious. I have been affected by stuff that basically handicap my every move, and frankly-----for someone who rarely exercise regrets, I feel abit regretful. so this morning, when I got up, I started analysising......the mistake I made couple of months ago, nothing big....but it may affect my fren, so what I am going to do is to take all responsibility, and that's my decision. I need my soul to be restful - despite she made half of the mistakes too, yet, people never think they have done anything wrong.....yet, I need to have clear conscience - and honestly ultimately one day I analyse myself I wud think by my doing it is an act of impulse. But I need it to be out of my head as fast as possible.

Then beginning of the year, I trusted someone - actually I havent thought about it for a while.....and it affected me abit only....as I didnt tell that person to go to hell, rather, I blessed him - may his con find his way back to him one day, U reap what U sow. So I wonder.....if I did sow something bad in the past too, hehe.

All these are not really committed due to impulse, rather coz of ignorance....not understanding something well enough....so I must put this in my head today to take heed of the lessons.

Of coz then.....some romances, and bla.....I find men do affect my emotional state alot. Maybe, as many say I am a floating person, many a times I would hope to be grounded somewhere...as pple say, to rest. Yet, I think it's not the case, so I must learn to more compartmentalize myself. It's something I forsake it for some time........

I am not moody but surely I am not in good mood. Scratching out mistakes is quite tough to the soul, but I must find ways to untie it one by one so I could be set free and I need to be free......As I do hope by the time this blog hit maybe 600 entries, or something....I could say wow, I am a free bird now....haha, flying....I doubt it wud happen by 600, but then it's a nice target, achievable and soon. :)

Have a good weekend.

Quilt Cover

Tonight is cold, and I am going to bring my not too warm quilt out soon. And I remember this quilt cover that my ex bought with me in Australia. I am not sentimental or attached to things of the past much, but tonite I somewhat thought of him as he was my refuge my hospital once. I think in my life I have come across many men - he's definitely not a core shaken nor a soul revivalist, but he is a hospital. Frankly, I used him to cure my wounds.....since after him, I have become many's hospitals.....I always think it;s a karma thing.

I am thinking over the changes I have attained past 10 years. I have changed alot. Then this word, metamorphosis came to mind and I wonder....as many people wud call me butterfly as many know I am not an earthy animal....I wonder if I am actually experiencing the bursting out pain now to become a real butterfly. I hope it is....as I still have hopes, U know. I am just slightly fearful that....that's it.

I think, I want to buy a new quilt cover with someone else...I want new memory, I want new things. I am frankly not attached to this cover, haha....nah, I am more cold-blooded than that. I just dont attach things to a face much. But lately though someone has brought out this side of me....but I am resisting that, or,...maybe with some sorta attachment is a good thing!? I think so....maybe it's ok then. I think people with not obsessive attachment is a healthy living being. I am definitely the cold-blooded kind,.....so I am learning.....metapmorphosising....and hope maybe one day I will indeed turn into a bright pretty uniquely patterned butterfly. As I said in pewvious entry.....I negotiated my way with god(s)....another thing I would put on the table is - I genuinely want to bless people with the good things I have, be it love, money, joy, care.....actually I am a wonderful person and am gonna bless many people, so I would pray when I pray maybe god could help me a little, so....in turn I can bless the world, or at least people ard me. How to draw more water from an already dry-up well, ie my arguement point.

U think god will buy? I hope he's reasonable enough to buy my negotiation points.

OK, hehe...just some thoughts before sleep. And dont mean to be negative....but ai well, as said, this is my space, I can say whatever I want and like.....:)))) But thanks for dropping by.

Collision

My mind is in collision.

Was watching TV shows, Bones, Criminal Minds. I esp enjoy their brainy quotes. These ones -

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Joseph Campbell

 

Then I query myself......I want all doors open for me, actually contrary to many beliefs, I am very dedicated in believing the universe...though my arrogant face always looks skeptical. Then my next question is - what's my bliss?? Where's my bliss? I can never answer the question - what makes u happy. I apply deduction method - to deduce what's less unhappiness. 

Just like the question - what do you want?! I have been asked many times before....and I always asked back. Usually people cant really answer this Q....genuinely. I am not sure, lately - I could answer that, but as I was going through the quotes of Campbell - another one has affected me a little. It's about marriage vs love affairs (guess means all kinda luving rp). Anyways.....so, I am asking myself today, what's my bliss!?

I feel heavy inside when I ask myself this Q, so I am going to light a cigarrette and ponders alittle....I know today I cant find the answer, but the heaviness inside I feel - it will drive me towards that goal. I think I will find it.....I know I will find it.....The universe has the obligation to help me find it....hehe

Whenever I pray, I would somewhat negotiate my way - kinda like this. I have had my shares of "bad fortunes" as my frenz quoted, but I always treat them with respect and joy as I believe they are lessons, experience I have to go through for next stage, and at the same time seeing the deeper inside of myself that - I aint that really that good as I think I am. I have recognize that without blaming anyone nor god nor universe nor my parents....I dont even blame myself (ok...lemme think I did blame, maybe at times)...severely....all I do is press on, pick up myself, try to smile and actually give joy to others. So maybe if U r listening, give me a nudge and a hand....I am not stupid, actually I am exceptionally bright, so, why torture such a potential being here on earth. Maybe....well, the other alternative is just to take me away from here and bring me to heavenly stars.

U thinjk whoever listening will help me?? hehe...I hope it doesnt sound too arrogant but trully...I have had enough of diff things. I am really getting tired in my physical, heart and brain. My soul is ageing too...I never feel my soul is ageing, as no matter how....my soul was always hopeful.....anyhow...

if U somewhat pray too, ask your gods to spare me, let me walk towards the brightest paths as I do believe with all my being & all my soulful energy, I deserve it.

Thanks.

armpits

They smell.....huh!? yes, I wonder why armpits smell so bad. But it gives me an inspiration coz of Lottie.....my dog, I have been quite busy lately so I rarely sleep or lie in bed w her all day long, so when I got home yesterday adn while we slept.....she tugged her head into my armpit. She doesnt usually sleep with her face facing me, always her ass facing but last nite, for long time....her face was sticking into my armpit. That made me realize, she missed me indeed alot.

Then got me thinking.....I luv sleeping like a small teddy bear under arms...I never thought of armpits though. But today, I realize I miss tugging into someone's armpit, sleeping.....think abt it. When I was a baby, when mom held me....the closest area wud be chest and armpits and armpits radiate most smell....not the boobs, boobs r just like pillow.....something different, when we hv real pillows, we realize, real pillows r better, so I never turn bi and men always luv boobs......becoz they always want to hv more than 1 pillow. :)

When u feel love, it makes u think more out of the zone, but also it cloes much opportunity to think outside of other box.

Surprises

Did I ever mention I luv surprises?

And I always luv giving surprises too. Maybe I like shocking pink.....or just pitch dark. I mean all the extremity, I indulge in. Frankly, how hard it is to surprise people u luv & care?

I luv thou little surprises from frenz. E.g. this bday, Bruce & his wife gave me 2 gifts that are supposed to be given by lovers....hehe. Or at times my dog surprises me with her questionably sweetness when I am moody or a gentle msg to tell me I am missed.....or someone told me he wud check on my blog frequently here to see if I am ok......all these r so luving.I luv every gesture someone makes to make me smile and surprise me

Lately....

My very sweet fren asked me to attend a party, becoz she wants to introduce me to her frenz - like a parent's day. I find this to be soooooo sweet......and I am glad with honour to be the mom of the day. And I hope I could be a well-behaved mom. :)

I have been moody, emotional terribly for weeks, due to various situations. Yet, hving all these little surprises at times intrigue me to move on, to be a better fren, better person, possibly one day better lover and better mom to my dogs.

So, think of a little surprise to give to your honey or ur pets or maybe ur parents. But most of all, give to the one U indeed luv becoz very likely they so deserve it. :)

frak fake

I am not a fake person but when U grow old, U just hv to be......esp, U r working w many assholes. N fake smile to fake them to think u r stupid or innocent, a fake innocence to fake they can con u or a fake to make u keep the project, u just hv to fake all the way......

how frak?

no, I just hope to fake my way through to buy some times but for a person like me I hate faking too much, way too much. If I dont want smile, I cant. I want to love I love. I want to cry I cry. But now. I smile, laugh, talk in fake tones....yuck! OK, I am so grown-up and I should.

Shit, ignorance is such a bliss. Not adventurous or ambitious is just a fortune. I always ask myself....why mom has 5 kids......only me behave like a nutjob!?!?!?!OK my siblings are handful too, but they aint as crazy and ups & downs like me. Frankly.....when I am standing outside of that circle, I feel a hint of jealousy. Then some frenz have told me how they feel what they r doing comfort them, a secure job, a stable family......

Why am I not wanting the same thing? What I want absolute love or impossible adoration or romantic success in life & career.......? I live in fairy tale, as I always said.....maybe also ie how I win many frenz, frenz love me....who wudnt luv me when I am kinda silly-ingly dreaming like a lunatic in an adorable way?! I thank for my frenz who see great stuff in me, esp Bruce.....he has been encouraging me, praising me all these years......giving crazy ideas to me and asking me I should do....

How can I not continue to dream on when people want me to achieve impossible? I think.

maybe in many ways, many have their dreams too......and I seem to be indeed like a bird which would indeed try to flip her wings to fly to Mount Everest. Thou....I am afraid of cold, I may never be able to reach the summit, yet however, my frenz know......I wud flip my wings.

hehe,thanks.....dont worry, I will continue to flip flop flip while trying to fake frak fake. :)

Sheung Wan is so growing on me

I think....maybe 5-6 yrs ago, why I wanted to move to SW? 2 reasons....I saw many gay couples and I wanted to live away from my family, as far as possible.

Gay couples? Why?? Well, to me it's like "Fu Shui" thing - somehow I find gay couples tend to be non violent and they are so nice to be looked at. :)))

And of coz SW is quite a busy place during the day and silent place during the nite. If I live in a residential area, I find the noise level and to me the pollution level bad - e.g babies always cry at nite, parents always yell at kids at nite, couples always argue and bang door at night, then, everyone turns on the air-con the highest capacity and U have to turn it on too, as all exhaust gas just compass your flat.

Then, of coz as couple of entries ago, I talked about my stroll in SW - man....I know 1-2 people just by sitting at the cafe. It's nice...I like...as we just talk rubbish anyways. What do you expect to talk on Sun!? World economic or end time? Well, we could too, of coz, but everything becomes so light over a cup of coffee.

Then, my dogs are welcome there, and esp Lottie is like a little human luving everyone, hugging everyone........frankly, half a day away from her makes me moody. So now, my wallpaper on iphone is her face only, pls dont tell my another dog, shadow....hehe.

Then at one of those lanes around cafe, they have floral shop that let you sit out on the streets to do some flower decoration urself, or I passed by a small gallery opening with some youth doing some singing and instrument on the streets. Well, if you do live in HK, you know...it's uncommon for all these happenings. I feel like I have been transported back to Melbourne....

But though, I think this stretch of streets will become too famous, once again - problem in HK, people flood to a location becoz we cool people hang out then we would escape from the overcrowdedness to another surreal place - but I hope this wont happen so soon, maybe another 3-5 yrs time!!?? since surrounding still stand many old short bldgs, developers will take alotta saliva to convince them to move, coz most of these bldgs cud be owned by the owners while running biz downstairs....(hence they cud still survive at this time in HK, this horrible era of.....loss & no found).

Hope....U can enjoy my SW too. At SW....:)

Tears & Blood and I am no idiot

Chinese saying goes, there's blood in every penny we made. OK, usually quoted by older generation. 

At this hour, I feel the same. Just for making that amount - not even enough for me to buy one side of the boots, I feel - there's blood oozed out everywhere. Whereas for tears, I think - I am way better than most people....so I shudnt cry.

Then, somewhere I read or heard from TV lately. Yes shud be Battlestar Galactica - you make the choices and you become the choices. So I made a choice (no, I was forced to) to have my own biz, now I have become my own biz. haha.

Frankly, being alone to do a so-called biz or self-employed isnt easy. And I think I dont have much specific skills - I am not a designer, thou too many (almost 99% of people who first meet me) would think I am one (no matter how glam or shabby I dress). I am not anything....sometimes ie how I feel. I dunno....is it a way god is trying to drain me from something, so I could be more flexible!?!?! (I think of the scene in recent episode of Bones - the corpse juices....kinda they have to drain it before they could examine the "bones")

I am very tired. I indeed feel drained. Just translating a press release is tiring me out - OK I never really work in PR before. haha......but somehow people think I can write such for of coz beauty products. If I count by every word, the few ones I did, I should get maybe 5 times more. But if someone could pay 5 times more, why do they want me? might as well get a pro!?!? :))

So, I am stuck. I am caught in between.

I have many threads of "projects" opened - but none is finalized. I wonder....if I am an idiot!? Seriously....ie what I am thinking. Is it me? or is it luck? OK, well what everything has in common is me....so it must be my problems. But it's hard to accept, coz I am not really that stupid....I pick up things so fast.....I always innovate whatever my hands put into....so what's going on!?!?! I am really tired.

Then people around me keep complaining......I dun understand what people are complaining!!! Have I complained much? As above said, u make the choices and U become the choices, and I believe - we never want to be the choices, then why we choose in the first place!? On a positive note....maybe god just wants to groom me into a real biz person. Yet then I wonder.....if I could be one!?!?!

HK really isnt my place. But I did try to weigh if I should come back there back then - and my conclusion was - it's going to lead me to the same place if I wud be there or here, just the paths could be different. This is my upside and also my downfall. I am too positive.....I believe in 2nd chances......I believe in learning from the paths......

So today, I am tired. I dislike the thing I am translating as the products are so boring....so fucking boring, it bores me out completely! OK, so I am like everyone else, I am complaining. So just may I complain silently.....:)

Beginning of the blog, I was comtemplating committing suicide, then it got better.....then worse.....lately, I just want a silent death. I am not sure if I could see myself through....this drag of exhaustion.....very hard to explain. This exhaustion is not like volcano explosion that one can see, but more like collective bubbles bubbling from hot springs.

That's all for today. Cant say something very positive lately. So be it, let it be......

check

nail done, check!
hair wash, check!
shower done, check!
translate an article, check!
turn off my phone, check!
feeling miserable, check!
feeling happy, also check!
talking to my dogs, check check!
going out, check!
meeting new pple, check!
seeing frenz, check!
just freaking going out, check!
my vegetable, yummy soup....not yet check! Sitting in fridge but make it tonite, ok, will check!

when u cant tell the difference

I think most pple hv it, but I usually cud tell the difference
it's day dreaming & real dreaming
I just had that this morning
but all is so hazy

I think.....I cant remember what I think
guess I was sucked into a vortex of thoughts

I need a good dream tonite
:))