I hate my boobs!

They are too big....since I got fattened up.

I am born to be a fashion icon, with big boobs, it's so hard to be one!!!! LOL

I was standing in front my mirror the day b4, I guess it's the effect of Pre-M thingie that kinda blow up the balls. I dont like it. Nowadays I am trying to cover my boobs more than my flabby abs, how sick is that?

I dont think I can match the cup E or G but I live in Sai Wan Ho, downstairs r a bunch of car repairers..........HATE when my boobs aint hidden, though I usually try to breeze past them with pride. 

I WANT to be in my fashion again. I got nice clothes, very nice indeed!! So now I jog jog jog....hopefully I could fit into them by Oct!!! My jail break month!

Am I sick?

Well, one of you told me I have BIPOLAR DISORDER causes : http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml, shit how I hate to have same disease as most americans!

But I disgonsed myself, it shouldnt be this one, as I have no Manic phase.

Just dont tell me what I may have or what I am. Having such a blog is to vent out my thoughts. Sorry if I sent to the wrong person, feel free not to come back. BUT U r still always my good fren. I could totally get it why you can't take it & feel upset!!

Thanks!

Why boxing is becoming so popular.......

I am going to join the boxing class too.

As I was reading news & was discussing in one of the comments rgd why HK pple like to kill each other by CHOPPING UP the others....................

I got a newfound conclusion.

CHOPPING = BOXING

It's the bang bang bang effect!! With the every bang there comes every gasp! It's a pretty adrenaline cooling-off thingie.

Man, I suggest we all should go boxing esp those are easily angered, like me...............we should go BOXING!!!

And I highly recommend the govt to make BOXING as the mandated sport sponsored by, of coz the tax payers, to reduce the homicide rate, or even suicidal rate.

An Education, The Witness (Les Témoins)

An Education

http://www.movies.com/an-education/m22753

It's a simple story about a young teengal meeting an older witty man. I suppose your parents would be experiencing some anxiety nowadays if their daughter is going to marry such a "perfect man". But afterall it's staged at 60's. I abit dislike the ending as 16yo Jenny could snap out of it so easily. Honestly, I believe most women wouldnt stay alive or could go back to school and hence smoothly going to Oxford. I think it was too lucky for her.

I hope somehow all of us could have had her kind forgiving teacher in our life, we might as well have a chance to end up in Oxford or Harvard. haha........

Peter Sarsgaard did a captivating performance there, his acting temperature was just rite. Nothing too overboard. Whereas Alfred Molina (Dr Octopus in Spiderman 2) acted out great as a striving dad who wanted his daughter to go to the best Uni or married the "perfect man".

The ultimate moral question is - to have fun or to obtain success thru boredom. Going through it, despite you are not sure what you want in life. Honestly, I do not know how to choose. And also, who knows how to choose the right one? As for me, I never chose FUN first when I was a teen. I always chose the toughest way - my thinking was to challenge myself. That left alot of wounds inside & outside, but at least I am more alive than choosing either one option.

Highly recommended if you like inde movies or great performance.

The Witnesses (Les Temoins)

http://www.movies.com/the-witnesses/m23684

An interesting movie with a story board spreading from AIDs, Bi-sexual, gay, open relationship, parenthood, friendship........Yes, it's supposed to feel very very heavy indeed. But it all came out pretty naturally. I am not saying they have the perfect script. However, I always like movies or shows with more reality in it. Not dwelling on just purely love or pain oriented.

And the description of the ignorance rgd AIDs back in 80's, somehow it reminds me I should be more protected. It's indeed not a nice disease, esp one of the characters showed the progress of the disease uptil his death. Kinda gruesome.

I cannot relate to any one of the r/p depicted in this movie. I just dont get some of them.

I like french sex scene or scenes that leading upto it. It's just so frenchly natural. Unlike american movies.......

Recommended if you dont mind reading french subtitles.

My aunt is publishing her first book!

She's always a talented artist. 

I believe she has been one of those that left a mark in my life. A good one, of coz. Becoz, she did struggle in her life, esp after her marriage & pregnancy. I saw that through my eyes, always so quietly, when I was merely few years old. Hearing relatives whispering behind her back while she could be in tears. At that moment of my kiddo heart, I had this anger towards humanity or adults. I couldnt get it why they couldnt let her just cry (becoz I liked crying too)!!!!!

Anyhow, we corresponded quite abit when I was studying in Melbourne. I remember at my 21yo, she wrote something back to me in responding to my agony of staying "alive". She told me she gave birth to my cousin. when she was 22. She was very upset, devastated, even depressed for many years as she felt this pregnancy kept her from doing great things at one point. But however, she added on after 18 years her son had become such a great man she's so proud of. She no longer regretted her choice but felt so grateful embracing that. At that very moment I thought, just like when I was maybe 3yo, how I wish she could be my mother. I believe many people would think she's a weak person, but to me she's the strongest person I have ever met, who has confronted depression (we never discuss this topic but I believe she has) and owns such a vast compassion on people and things. Ie what I call strength. Not those other stupid humans that mocked at her back!!!

She's holding the book press (not sure what's the rite word) on 1 Aug at MK fr 3pm. If you guyz are free, feel free to tag along.

Let there be Light! And I am an IDIOT!

Since I started re-arranging my furniture couples of days ago, I finally made myself to buy a standing lamp for my room, which I was looking at Xpat, Ikea thousand of times, I couldnt bring myself to get one. Maybe I was thinking if I could be alive to see the light again. Yet, now my good mood is picking up, I got a silvery metallic lamp which costs only $99. Budgeting with Ikea is a good idea, at times. And yes, finally I no longer need to walk into my room in dark - as I listened to my feng shui master to remove the ceiling light.....HAHAHA, what an idiot!!!!

Then I went on to the central market to get some salad, esp Rocket. Luv it. I think my past life must be a cow. I like it even w/o any dressing. I also realize finally something my shadow wouldnt fight with me - the rocket - she hates it!!! Hurrrayyy............

Moved onto CWB - Ikea & Welcome. I got some coupons so I vicariously going through lane by lane to get some salad dressing, mineral water, EV olive oil (I thought I had it, after trying few times using my existing oil with my salad and found out the taste was abit odd, then realizing it's NOT Oilive OIL - again, what an idiot!!!). So now my fridge doesnt just have beverages ONLY, but I got stock-up with alotta fruits, salads. I am going to make fresh apple juice tomorrow. 

On my way to the above 2 places, I saw my good friend Cindy & friend, but she was on the phone. I was actually about trying to gather my breath to call them, they actually literally "WIND" by me in superman speed. I was too freaking late. Anyhow, it was very funny to me as I was indeed trying to wave & opened my mouth!!!!

Now home. Couples of minutes ago, I was trying to make lemongrass mint tea but then to my horror I realized THEY ARE NOT MINT BUT BASIL!!!!! Shit, anyhow, I removed the basil but put in some ginger slices, hopefully they taste OK lah! WHAT AN IDIOT!

Tonite, I am going to add in some mango in my already fridged fruit pasta salad. But I am going out for a jog first. I want to catch some glimpse of the gorgeous night view of KLN side from here, then spot some tan-juiced, sweaty hunk backs (usually they always run faster than me but I find them to be a good goal for me to KEEP RUNNING).

Then I would meet up with Benji again. Well, I am trying to challenge myself with the WORLDCUP. My mom said Dutch & Spanish teams aint as violent, so I feel more at ease to watch it with Ben at Flying Pan. But I am going to bring my notebook PLUS another book, just in case I would be so "sweated" by the violence.

All in all, I have a good Sunday this week.

Asshole

I went to Soho with Ben tonite. He hasnt visited Soho since there was no Soho. I think he had a good time. Who wouldnt, when he was with me!!??

He said something at the cab which is so meaningful, in an odd way. Esp as I was saying, I couldnt get why some people would make up stories or do something bad intentionally.

He said - in an intelligent way - only assholes cud get assholes. HAHAHHA.............thanks !!!

I now know I am eternally going to be a non-asshole as I utterly have no way to get them. :D

Thanks Benji

Keeping Score for suicidal tendency

It drops from at the very beginning I started the blog 80 to now 40. I think it's a good sign. I started re-arranging my furniture.

I had a feng shui master to check out my place when I first moved in and I am now against all that she advised me. I put the desk at the wrong "feng shui" place now. I reckon, it didnt help when I was putting at the right place, it would be BETTER to put it at the wrong place. I am someone who will mend things that are not even broken yet.

I started swimming, jogging this week. Plus walking my dogs twice. It is a super improvement. Also, I went out during the day to fetch some salad. I think I am on the right path soon.

Yes things are still bothering me. I still couldnt sleep. Like now, I couldnt, it's already 4:42am. If ever I slept before 3 or 4 am, I could always miracalously woken up by my dogs playing poos or having a mock-up drama in my dreams.

I guess, I wont try to change this pattern. I am going to play along with it. Work at wee hours, writing blogs when everyone is sleeping, walking my dogs even streets are deserted.

But, I saw a funny picture when I went out just now. I saw a family carrying a huge "red-white-blue" bag, I think, they are escaping, they are evacuating from their current flat. Who would go with so many luggages at 3am?!!??? Maybe they are actually ghosts!

Collecting Rubbish

Everytime I am trying to clear my desk or home, I always end up throwing away many rubbish bags with many things in them. That makes me wonder why in the first place and right mind - having all those supposedly rubbish lying around me?!?! Am I outta my fucking mind??

I am trying to learn minimalism, but I doubt I could be ever successful in it. Considering - I can only always throw away more rubbish upon rubbish.

To LEO

I am blessed, in my life, with many good friends. I sometimes wonder why they are so steadfast, so kind, so sweet, so loving!!! 

Leo is my very best friend. I honestly dont think anyone could replace him in my life. Good thing, we never dated, hehe. Once and for all to clear all misunderstanding from YOU PEOPLE. 

This blog, as of today, I still havent shown it to anyone yet, except Leo. He gave me the best, constructive comment. As I told him I was abit reluctant to show this to anyone else, as it's abit dark in the content. He just said "I am sure your true friends would love to read it". Together with other things he mentioned, I am abit too shy to say it here, despite I luv bragging. LOL

Anyhows, I want to tell Leo that you have been such a true friend from the 2nd day I knew you (not the first day through the DF4), haha. You have been so supportive throughout these 7 or 8 years (?). You have sat through all my silly teary whinning about my ex, ex, ex........You have heard about all my stupid anger towards humanity such as other frenz, work, etc. You have been my inspiration to move forward. Whenever I think of dying, you are on of the top few that would come to my mind, as I know it would indeed hurt you deeply. Maybe I dont behave like what I am talking above, but you are my family, sometimes even more than that! 

Isnt it lucky for me to have a friend like you? I am so glad that now you are in luv with your dog. We share one more comment trait, amongst others kekkeke things.............:P

Thank you.

Well, I am not yet ready to show this to others. I am not afraid to be judged but I dont want to be misunderstood. My depression phase isnt gone yet, really dont want any things to disrupt my healing process. Sigh, it's gonna take time.


^o^

You cant compare pain

Nough Said. Period.
Dont get it.
Pls wait for another few decades till you drain off all your anti-oxidant in your body, lose all your collagen, finally get rid of all fatty tissues (aka U r DEAD!)
Then re-incarnate to learn about the basic truth AGAIN.
This is the karma you cant kill off this lifetime if U dont fucking get it!

I am going to

I am going to focuz on my diet, my exercise - I AM GOING TO BE SLIM, PERFECT VERY SOON!!

I am going to sleep early - not tonite. I NEED TO BE LESS DEPRESSED!!!!

I am going to work at STARBUCKS, so I spend less on electricity bill.

I am going to walk my dogs at least once a week - THEY WILL HAVE THIER EXERCISE AND I HAVE MINE!!!

I am going to write 3 entries here a week, at least so to MAKE IT INTO A PRACTICE. It's a way to teach my dicipline.

I am going to swim once a week; jog once a week, walk dogs once a week - suppose it's great laaaaa........

I am going to start kow jai.

I am going to finish a book every month. This month is The Alchemist.

I am going to be going to do going to.........

Walking My Dogs

This week, I walked my dogs twice. 

My Lottie is almost 6 month old, I am trying to make her listen to me even not at home.

I always have this pb of controlling dogs or people if we are not kept in the secure place- Home.

E.g. My first dog - BoBo, a Collie. He's the best, most adorable, kindest, sweetest dog ever. He loved me so much. He would follow me everywhere at HOME (only). I went to toilet, he wud wait outside of the bathroom. I studied at my crammed corner, he wud be sleeping under my seat. Whenever I got up, he wud quickly get up just to follow me everywhere, anywhere. 

Yet, he could never obey me once we went out. I still dont know why. He only listened to my sis & dad....O well.

He died almost 10 years ago. I couldnt see him at the end. For this, I was mad with my mom for months. I believed he wanted to see us one last time b4 he drew his last breath. He was trying hard to stay alive, even though time and oxygen were going against him. But from what I was told, he was trying - but my mom was mercilessly letting him die at vet's hand. SHIT. Talking about it make me angry.


I knew about his death weeks after. That made me more mad. My moms said, she was afraid I would be too upset. COME ON! What's the diff??!!! On that night or 30 days later - the effect was the same!


Anyhoos, I thought of him alot since then. I felt very very bad always. Then one day, I had a dream which I believed he gave to me intentionally, from far away in the galaxy. He told me he was fine. He became a human and I gotta not to worry about it anymore. I woke up in tears, but since then I felt relieved. No more guilts.


Sometimes, I believe maybe dogs would love me more than anyone. The only handicap they have is they cant make money, they cant pour tea for me......


Dont you wonder sometimes, why we are all created this way? human or dog.

I LIKE to FORK myself

I came across this late korean supermodel - Kim DAUL. She hanged herself at her Paris apartment. Then realized she had this blog of her own: I like to fork myself.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

I found some similarity between us. Her lonelines, her loss - of coz I wasnt as successful as her at such a young age, 20 yo!! Poor thing, she got lost at 20yo and ended her life.

Oddly, she liked Unbearable Lightness of Being. She felt no landing place on this earth. She was lost. I think she was like me a caged legless bird.

How could I sleep well?

I have insomnia. Or I should say I always sleep at the wrong time, like daybreak.

I try very hard to sleep early, like today, I slept maybe at 1am. Everytime I sleep before 5am, my dogs would do something weird - play with poos or vomit in front of me................I feel so so so so depressed by this. I feel like killing myself as my life is no longer mine. My sleep can never be redeemed. Can I just take medicine that render some sleep??? I wanted to sleep early so I could get up to be more attentive to my work.

I dont know what to do. I cant be positive anymore. I feel like swipped into a blackhole. My breath, my blood, my sweet, my desire, my energy - sucked into it.

Number 23, Old Boy, My tutor friend, Paris-Je T'aime, Eclipse

I am a tv, movie addict.

Number 23 - Initially, it abosrbed my attention as I am a believer of conspiracy theory. However, come to think of that, I suppose when a human is desperate to look for something (maybe correlation, coincidence), we will somehow always manage to find. Ie why I dont believe much in co-incidence.


Jim Carrey is quite good. Not too much trying. He finally looks like a human, even thou, inside he wasnt exactly.

Highly recommended

Old boy - a korean friend recommended me to see this as I mentioned how much I loved the movie-Shiri. I think the actors, the cinematography are fantastic. It was too violent to my flavour though. The script is kinky. I wonder why KR movies always could come up such psychotic plots.

Highly recommended

My tutor friend - arr, it's very boring, I watched this as I wanted to watch back all the Gong Yoo movies, shows. But, not worth to see. So not funny!!!!!

NOT recommended even you are going to die of boredom


Paris, Je T'aime - It's interestingly showing different sides (literally) of Paris. I guess before I would visit Paris again, I would revisit this movie. Since there are many stories within, each catered for maybe few mins each, some of the plots are good, esp the silent ones. However, none left powerful impression on me as yet.

Recommended if you like artsy fartsy or very drama oriented movies

Eclipse - The third installment of Twilight. I think it's the best amongst the 3. But still, the acting sucks at Bella, Edward, Jacob, the main 3 characters, I reckon. But Jasper, Riley characters were more captivating. Sorry to Bella fans, but I feel really really sick everytime she freaking speaks.

Highly recommended if you are looking for action & are in luv with Twi or Edward. :)

cultures affects suicidal methodology

Do you find that lately many people commit suicide. I saw 2 cases around my neighbourhood. I didnt see the action but the covered cloth over the bodies though.

Then, I read from a news about several korean stars committing suicide and I found a strange phenomenon. I could be wrong, but lets try to dissect it from a cultural or behavioural perspectives.

Lets just talk about celeb suicide as it reflects the macroscopic pattern of the population.

In US, the most you hear would be overdose and gunshots.

In HK, jumping & gas suoffocation (not sure of the correct terminology) 

I suspect Japan would be similar as HK, though I know nothing much about JP celeb, or maybe they rarely kill themselves.

In Korea, hanging. (http://www.hancinema.net/factbox--chronology-of-south-korean-celebrity-suicides-24040.html)

US - it shows how abused people are on drugs or medication. Lets blame it on FDA. I dislike FDA becoz they would almost never pass any alternative therapy such as herbal medicine for curing people ailments. I suspect if not 100%, it would be 70% americans are on some sorta medication. People are so "lied" by the so called modernization such as western medicine. Anything is a fast fix just like fast food chains covering the whole continent - Mcdonalds, KFC, Wendys.....

And of coz, everyone could have a gun over there is just obvious choice for killing oneself. And in the first place of having a gun is to protect oneself. It goes back to how much self denial this nation may be facing.

HK - Leslei Cheung HK beloved star killed himself by jumping off from Madarin Hotel. And some others too. I am not sure why people want to jump. I guess they believe it's the surely winning way to die. It talks about the praticality of Hong Kong people. And SPEED too. However, I also feel they have a revenge feeling to it. It's kind of like a display. Showing your everything to everyone. I believe those who choose this way to die has some revenge thing going on while I suspect, only speculate, that it's very likely they have someone in mind that they hate alot. HK people are not happy people. We are always crammed in a small physical or personal space setting. Would they feel more free to choose this way? I dont know, really.

 

By gas suffocation, I think those who choose this way coz they got  so depressed to a point that to them, there's no way out  A crammed situation magnifies this. And of coz the many many incidents of people who manage to kill themselves in the newspaper everyday. Though, I suspect, they didnt actually want to die - they could be very well hoping that someone would have opened the door to air the area.

In KR, very very oddly, it seems like most of them hang themselves. I wonder why. Would it be becoz they are so insecure that they need to do it at home? Are koreans insecure people? Or just becoz they so uplift the family values? I suspect both. However, from the link above, I feel KR people may be very alone. They are an island, with rising recognition. Honestly, this is a lonely feeling becoz U are not here or there (ie not japan, but also not africa). I believe it will take time for them to adjust, to find their position.

Apologize if my views are disturbing or inaccurate as I didnt do this based on research. But more like a thought driving me to think of these. 

Surprising Two Days

For one, I laughed like I never laughed before. Like a pig.

For two, I lost my virginity. Again.

On Friday, I went to see Eclipse with Janet. By the way, Riley (aka Xavier Samuel) looks awesome in the movie. He's the best young actor in the twi-cast I gotta say. How did I manage to laugh like a pig? U gotta be there to know, but I still try to tell.

There's a scene whereby Victoria & Edward were fighting. And in this movie, vampires "got killed" like breaking the ice. Shattered! Anyhoos, Ed killed Vic by breaking her into icy-pieces. Everyone should know how vamp could get shattered as there were many scenes prior to this finale already done the shattering. Anyways, everyone was absolutely silent and surprising at that very moment, no movie music at all. BUT a freaking woman GASPED  through her windpipe. IT was just kinda maybe next to me. I STARTED fucking laughing hard. I should say WE. But for me, I was trying to control. The more I controlled the more I fucking laughed to a point, I was laughing like a pig being slaughtered....giiigiiihahahahgiiigiihahhahaha.........

Man, I kept thanking her for the next few hours because I hadnt laughed like that for the past 2 years, or maybe the last 20 years!!!! I laughed for maybe at least 10 mins. Seriously, I never laughed.

OK, the second.

I lost my worldcup virginity to Benji. My mom is going to be mad at me. I never in my life sat through a soccer match. NEVER. I hate matches, competition. Hate it with gutz. I never even once sat with my mom for more than 5 mins to any kind of a race. 

I was touched by Benji's enthusiasm as he couldnt get a glimpse of the previous race at LKF. So we went to The Flying Pan. By the way, best place in town for a TV screen. I honestly didnt watch that, we were there like from 12:30 till 5ish am. I was actually webbing the net the whole time, basically the 2hrs++ race, until the last moment whereby they gotta  tried to shoot balls one by one to see who won. I GOT SO NERVOUS by it. I almost wanted to duck out. I hate this expectancy, this hype. Now, I understand why I hate soccer. 

People, PEOPLE get hurt, becoz other people push, kick, slap, punch the other PEOPLE. I hate to see the violence. I think soccer is violent. I hate all kinda of violence. HATE.

But thankfully I gained 3 things from these few hours. I believe Benji now would think of me as a close fren, afterall I lost my worldcup virginity to him. Second, I managed to use up all my iphone battery to read the late Kim Daul blog (http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/). Third, I now understand why Soccer is so mesmerizing to people and the thrill to them is excruciatingly exciting!

Suicide

I saw a news about this Korean star hanging himself. It took me to some trance. What if, I could do the same. It took me to remember some of the ways people who committed suicide.

Yeah, I may not show this blog to anyone. It's just so saddening some points.

I have lost my way. I am not sure how to find my way back again. Everything seems so far and distant. I dont want to see anyone anymore. I dont even want to take care of my dogs. They only give me more chaos in my life. I just want to cut myself off from this life. It';s not about having a difficult life. It's about being hopeless, strengthless, happyless............too lonesome to be alone, to have no one to see you through. Not talking about a bf. Having a bf, esp the useless kinds only add on more sad outcomes for you. There's no fond memory to cling on to miss someone. There's no triumph moment to remember by that to believe you could make it through. There's ONLY memory that I cant have. It's horrible.

Looking out to the window. Wondering what I would be thinking before I hit the ground.

I think it's the mose lonesome feeling when you try to take your life. That moment of desperation, leaving what you think you love but you cant handle anymore. The weeping within. The tears without. The clarity coming out from confusion has helped one make the final step.

It's Enough!!!

I have promised myself for days, weeks, months, this depression thing has to go. I think today may be the beginning it may go.

I really need to go somewhere. Now thinking of doing the cheapest way to Yunnan. I just need to get abit carried away. My heart sinks big time. I couldnt make myself do anything.