I think I need to write it down, so that I dont ask such Question anymore - shuda, cuda, etc. This guy, Mr Pseudo, every once in a while I would think of him. As most of you know, I am not very fond of americans as I have number of experience with american guyz or bitches who just made me really mad. But though I do know some who are fun luving & kind hearted, he's one of those.
We met via a fren. Nothing much or so to speak a topic when we first met, but once I bumped into him by accident, so he took my number and he started messaging me and we would go out for drinks & so on. I had a bf then and we were hving a short break. So somehow I went out with Mr Pseudo quite abit.
Why I called him Mr Pseudo?! I think coz I thought he was gay. So I was really carefree when I went out with him, coz my best fren who just left HK. I was thrilled to have someone, who seemed to be so intrigued with my presence and felt so delighted to hear me speak. So He to me was a Pseudo Gay, and a Pseudo Lonely Person. And hence I always took him to a gay bar, haha, I thought I was doing him a favour - encouraging him to meet his luv or something. Of coz I was not that dumb, I thought maybe he wasnt gay either.
So, I went to his place upon his invitation. He didnt show any interest. Not even touching my soft smooth-skinned hand. OK. 1st confirmation. Then once he insisted walking me home, despite it was just 5 min away - so he hugged me really close, ok, it's not a same sex hug, it's more heterosexual hug. But not even a kiss on the cheek - OK. A lonely person who needed a faithful fren. OK, 2nd confirmation. And he "needed" to see me everyday - (to me, I am always afraid people being possessive, esp just frenz). So I started seeing him less.
He kept sending me msg why I didnt see him, why this why that. I got really frightened, as I couldnt understand why a person who shared the same sexual orientation as me (liking guyz) would be that "clingy". Then I think somehow he slipped that I meant so much to him,..blablah, and that he liked me very much blablah. Then I was so straightforward telling him that - I am sorry, I thought you were gay. I dont get it why you say all these things. He got really freaked & mad.
I think.....then I lost him as a fren. And our common fren - a guy - told me that he was.."xxxx", I couldnt recall the word he used but I think he was trying to say that he wanted to be with me or something. Anyways.
Then, after a while, we met again but I tried to keep a distance. And then he left HK and now is working in the desert. We didnt meet much few months before he left HK.
I have no idea why this person always appears to me when I walk along hollywood road. It's very odd. Maybe it was arranged that I shud ditch my ex and started something with him. haha, I dunno and dun think much about it that way - as hving regret or asking maybe I shud have done this & that isnt my practice, but it's very odd....whenever I feel abit lonely or sad, his face wud show up. I think why somewhat I miss him or think of him that way - coz somewhat maybe I feel "he accepted me and felt proud of me.....being my fren, being his fren". So, I should say he's my Pseudo Soulmate. "seems to be but I cudnt have a chance to know".....:)
After a year or 2, I did send him an email, as he just appeared to me quite abit.....but he was indifferent. ha ha ha........and guess time has past. I told him, I thought of him quite abit. Anyhow.........even that doesnt stop my head bringing him up here n there. I think the only way I could close this chapter is that.....to write it down. A msg to dedicate to someone special. I dont mind him showing up again.......if somehow his "essence" makes me less sad.......
Anyways, to My Pseudo Soulmate, thanks for your presence, that somehow makes me feel safe despite for that 1 sec or so once in a while, but that has been pretty enough for me. xoxo
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