My dreams

As been prompted in my head - "what's my dream?" I have been pondering for days....I know I cant answer it now, but I am desperately searching. I am glad I dont think my dream relies on another entity, for e.g. a husband, a kid, a soulmate, etc. These are not exactly what I want. To me, they are just nice to have, but not the ultimatum to save my wrecked soul. Yet, I start to accept the fact, maybe I do need another person or a companion to fill the gap of something.....which I never thought it was necessary in the past. But, I do feel, I shouldnt live alone like this, finding the joy of being alone. haha.....I mean I dont plan to be a hermit or something at all. I enjoy connection, though I am greedy, I always want many connections - hence that makes me believe we dont just hv ONE soulmate, but multiple to fill the mainly holes in the gap.

So, as I pondered about the question - I started sketching a mindmap. I know since young what I always wanted.....yet I am not sure if they are called "dreams", but I think I need to verbalize my dream at least to myself so I could have various goals, aims, destinations I need I know I need to achieve before I could finalize my dreams. The pb is that I was always a drifter, why? COz I didnt know what my dream was.

As I drafted down - I cant identify if it's indeed my dream but I suppose it's close enough. I read somewhere or a wiseman told me....the "dream" is the thing I would keep doing everyday (like U cant live without it). Frankly - laziness seems to occupy my everyday life, or I wish I could shit three times a day. So, I think the wiseman is not saying it right....yet, I cant yet explain to him why I think he's wrong! Hence, my mindmap could be one day to show him - my theory, of coz when I kinda "achieve" my dream.

I know inside my soul I always want that.......but to me, it's more like a after-feeling of achieving the goal. Hence, I am wrecked again. I need to maybe.....if not quantify it, at least - give a task or something to that feeling.....OK, well frankly, for e.g. I used to want to be the first HK astronaunt when I was in primary school. Or I wanted to win badminton competition in Olympics, as my uncle said to my mom I got this talent (now I am bad, apart from old age with brittle bones - I just couldnt feel the court anymore), or I wanted to be an archeologist so that I could discover the tomb of Emporor Chun - the mercury skyline with mapped out landscapes & rivers.....I fantasized it alot seeing the mercury starry nite on the tomb. Or when I was going to church, I would imagine to walk into the Ark or the Tabernacle (not like Indiana Jones, but close enough) - though I suspect there wud be no presence in those objects but it was thrilled to discover them - the awesomeness being the first, being the one is excruciating thrilling. Also, I did imagine I would be a missioary, esp inspired by Jim Elliot who was killed by the Eucador (? cant recall) tribal pple.....or became a pastor to offer great sermons to change lives or make pple cry......LOL......................Of coz I did envision I would obtain a Nobel Prize but I thought that was only for scientific discovery but then I realized one could get Nobel Prize for being peace advocateur or just simply writing a book......my enthus died coz it's not that special anymore. Then thought, maybe I could try out to get Oscar for the best screenplay or the best foriegn language director.....hahahahahahah

Sorry, all silly thoughts, but all these contribute to my "dream" feeling.............if ever I achieve one of those.