I am a lucky gal.....

In times of despair and desperation, somehow, the hand of da god/s or da universe will show some mercy on wrecked souls. I have been blessed with such, though my requirement is little.....say for e.g.

The CNY week was supposed to be one of my highlights of 2012, yet, on the Sat itself I got news that took me down to the pits. Oh well, really......right at that moment, I recieved one of the longest emails (maybe...coz was reading from iphone, it looks too long, way too long.....hahahaha) in my life. Which, by the way, usually I wrote long emails, letters, not the other way round, rarely the recipients. This person surely beats me, coz he luvs to write too. And anyways, reading his email, inside it's all sharing of his views after reading my blogs and some updates of his life - it warmed my soul in great deal. As......maybe....somehow, god hasnt forgotten me, or frenz hvnt forgotten me. I got a reminder, despite he's pretty unaware of how precise the timing was......i got "revived" literally.

So someone remembers, I did say at that sad moment "I am so lucky".

Turn Back the Clock

Someone also says, I mean basically everyone always says - I wish I could.....I wish I could be rich....I wish...blah......Then, I remember someone asked me before, if I could start all over again, would I do something different!? Well. My answer is always NO. I would do everything exactly the same, except, I wish I would have the slight little more wisdom I have now to fine-tune the events. Why do we want to live differently from the past!? Also, only left or right, east/west/north/south ..... we walk one path, then turn to another direction....it's eternal fact unless we become still and dead!

I was thinking this morning, if god wud give me last year back, what would I do? Wud I do something differently? Wud I choose to not to fall in love with the wrong men!? yes 2 in total. Crazy....I never even indeed fell once, within 12 mths I fell twice.The last one was even stomach twisting.....anyways.....it doesnt matter the events or people. The fact is I did have that!

So, my answer is - I wud do all over again. I always believe my path is like this. I will keep making mistakes until I perfect myself in that area - as my motto is life is all about experience anyhow. I believe.....by having such torture or smitten feeling.....ultimately I wud find the perfect one. I am fairy tale gal as I always say - torture, sadness, crazy dont stop me from dreaming. Actually - all these failures or unreal romance - make me believe even more in fairy tales. Is it my psychological problem? hehe, nope I dont think so.......it just speaks how tough and pure my another side of my heart is. Even Moon has 2 sides, we all cud see the front facing us, just like all men who cud only feel the heart facing them. but if he's not the right one, he cant tap into the other side......and so far, I hvnt shown the other side fully to one person yet, maybe except here partially. :))

A Stuck Mind

After 3 years of working alone at home without talking to anyone, I am now rejoining the workforce! But......I am still talking to myself!!!!! I have to think through all strategies, activities, details to training...BY MYSELF. Now, my mind is stuck and I am fucking bored..............I like what I am doing but without connecting w anyone without brainstorming - my mind is basically stagnant.

I need panadol.

I did a little evaluation today

Many men said I was too serious.....yet, in the very beginning, they liked my nonsense mind, filled w crazy ideas thoughts, intense conversation.......also my adorable demeanour. Yet, after a while, people would put what you think is merit and repackage to sound as if it's  something bad. I often wonder, am I that serious? Am I that intense? Maybe, but I dont see anything wrong in that! The funny thing is.....I am a legless bird, I always look for ground, frankly - I am always dead serious about it. Then, I think many r attracted by my thoughts, deep Inquisition about life, humans.....but always in such, you flip the coin - really depends which side U think is better.

I think it's time....to know maybe this person doesnt indeed embrace you as much as u think they do. Or maybe we dont love or adore each other as much to a point that we can accept each inadequacy anymore. one thing led to another. It's saddening to know, it takes long time to break a seed open, u water it, and wish it would grow.....then, u realize U were dreaming it was growing and actually it actually didnt even sprout. Maybe it's how it is......

Then,next, I am fortunate enough to be a modern woman, a woman living in this free city whereby I am not bound by any traditional rules. I could date anyone I want, I could work any job I want, I could make any frenz I want, I could shag anyone I want or I could breakup/divorce anyone I want. No one would officially lawfully have the rights to stone me!

So my conclusion is....I am crazily serious and seriously crazy! U can love me or U can hate me, and it doesnt make much difference to me when I die. If things r not meant to be, it will go into the river of forgetfulness, gradually things will fade away, memories will be diluted; then other things will be renewed and reborn through this river. Strangely, from same river.....ie river of life or cycle of sucks?! :)

Anyhow, I am not depressed....not moody....not even melancholic. I think I am just realizing something and I am not going to fight against it anymore.

I feel....

Supposedly, things should be better this year.....but soaking in such mood, waiting, expecting mode......make me realize I let almost 1st month drain me by. Some things r really a waste of time..........I need to re-strategize about my life. Reshuffle.....my heart.....which shud be given more. Women r at times really fucking idiots, I am defintely the most idiotic idiot. Grrrr...........

thanks! :)

Cold.....

Well, considering places with temperature lower than zero, HK's cold is nothing but still to us now...it's cold. And actually, it's always what we want during CNY - wearing layers of new clothes from most intimates to most external - we want new. I think we shouldnt whine about that, as it's very much climate offsetting when during Xmas, CNY, we could go out in shorts.....

About cold, I thought of love. Usually during winter, I drink alotta hot teas, hot ribena. hot mint tea, etc.....last nite, under freezing nite, I made myself some hot tea, I put it there for just a lil while and of coz the physics won....it turned cold really fast. That, I want to associate with love. Love should be something hot, = passion......when 2 is in love, the heat generated from sex or just kiss or just the butterfly feeling is intense. Everything could be warm up, even an argument or after argument, or making up from argument or sex or intimate conversation or just a casual conversation......all could be warmed up fast! Yet, when 2 persons love turned cold, everything is cold.....ignoring, sleeping far, an argument will never be kicked off or it will never end (scorched instead of just being hot)  no need even to talk about after argument or making up, everything becomes cold really fast, there's no time for warming up, just like the winter now I experience. I think some pple relationship is in the land of North Pole or some belongs to forever Thailand, yet, I quite prefer the temperament of 4 seasons manifestation like HK or Melb, at times it chills you to the bones, and others, it kisses ur heart with shinning sun.

I love my friendsssss

Well, i do hv different group of frenz, but must say - all r the intelligent ones. hehe. Today, one has quoted something that worths all of us to ponder , ie

Friends are like boobs - some are small, some are big - some are real, some are fake

See........my frenz are smart, like me....hahahaha....we can use anything to create a wise statement or a thought to ponder upon. And i luv that he uses boobs.....hehe......anyways, just sthg funny to share. hv been ultra buzy these days, I promise, I will resume writing.......

Breaking Eggs

OK, I hvnt written past week as I have been quite caught up with some new refinement. Then, I was introduced to this UK TV show- Misfits. It cracks me up big time, and frankly I always prefer british shows more, though US shows tend to have more productivity.

I luv this Nathan guy in the show, he's an asshole, dickhead. Totally - yet U would like him, as u know that he has his sweet side. Kinda U hate and love him at the same time. And at the season 1 last episode, there were few quotes that really made me laugh. Let me try to recap....

" there's only one thing young lady should inset into themselves, ie knowledge"

" As Darwin said, you need to break few eggs to make omelette. It's the time to break eggs"

" Thats the time we should shag each other brain's out"

:)) it's kinda kiddo show, I have to say it's in btw of Heroes and Alpha. But I always find brit actors to have higher calibre as compared to american ones....sollie....:P

I kindly recommend for you to check it out.

Frankly, I cant believe I didnt do any entry last 7 days...it's bad. I will keep it up, it's a matter of momentum and custom. 

Hope U all had a great week last week after the long holiday. kisses n hugz.

What's Love!?

hehe, as I was making pumpkin biscuits for my dogs, so why not, just drop a note about love!?!?! As I am typing with my notebook sitted on my pillow, my small dog Lottie forced her way on me.

1. ie Love, not being annoyed being disturbed most of the times, I gotta say, 5% of the time I got annoyed.

Someone asked me - do I get bored or disgusted or tired cleaning up the poo and pee for them!?

2. Ie Love, not being disgusted at cleaning up shits for the one U love. No complaint. Frankly, I wud get worried if I dont need to clean the shits.

Waiting. I wait alot......for pumpkin to cool down, then mix then bake....usually 2 rounds of baking to last them like 2 weeks.

3. ie Love, waiting isnt an issue, as long as your love enjoys you and of coz my dogs wait alot for me, to get home, to finish the biscuits. Both sides of waiting that create the magic of intimacy.

Learning from experience. I got no real recipe of how to make it, so I cant really tell others how to make this pumpkin biscuits, but I learn it by believing I will do it for my love, I can master the perfection.

4. Ie Love. Not being afraid of making mistakes but improve from it until u master the the art of loving action. Guess applies to making love, kissing....how to touch, how to "oral sex" haha....how to seduce, same....

Just making pumpkin biscuits has inspired me to write my 2nd entries about love.

5. ie Love. love inspires me. it creates a magic fantasy world in my head. If love grows strong, the fantasy enlarges to a point of explosive magic. And I think I am trying to refer to hope....love makes one inspires hopes, creates belief, and trust.

Look around you, maybe there's something that actually makes u think of love......it cud be ur pillow, ur breath.....or whatever, I think if one couldnt get inspired by sthg, find it....as it substains the search of true love, it creates the need to love for love to continue.

Something I shud be proud of

dont you think....I should be proud of myself!?!? After....1.5 yr, I am still writing at least min 1 entry per week here about stuff, about bullshits, about myself. My mind must be so rubbish yet shining. Till now, I dont even care much if my frenz read, and I know at least 2 would.....and then some othe readers from all over the globe...not many...I am not a celeb, but I appreciate ur support that makes me feel, I shudnt never leave a week to zero entry!!!! And you should be proud too, as you have the patience to hear an old fark pretty gal bullshitting too much always....just keep on blaaaa....

Pple say, sex, love make a person vigilant and looking young, and I think hving the ability to just simply polluting the world could be one way too. At least for me, it is....I must write more to keep my youthful look. hahahahaa

kidding, love u all. ^^

Extra-Ordinary Bones

Eve was created by a bone from Adam according to the bible.....or maybe it's just a story, but it's created from something extra-ordinary, be it god or love. Just a prelude.....

I am thinking about extra-ordinary. I luv the confidence TV show Bones - Bones has -"I am extra-ordinary" trust in herself. I always adore people with so much confidence to a point of arrogance as I am like that too. I am extra-ordinary, too. I knew even when I was young but somehow I was still plagued with so much inferiority given, pushed, imposed, shone upon by my family. Anyhow, I broke free at least 51% from this damn, so I am confident with my own extra-ordinariness. Yet, I am not a saviour. I am not god. I cant create. i cant save.

I can only copulate. I can only copy and paste. I can only co-create.

Was watching this movie - The Last Station, it's about Leo Tolstoy and his wife etc. And somehow, it's fiction or not, it doesnt matter. But it started off with his quote - everything I understand, I understand only because I love. I am pretty sure he was in love with his wife and her same to him - it's unbelievable for her to copy 7 times of his War and Peace, it must be love for doing that. Anyways....maybe the love he's referring to, doesnt necessarily correlate to romantic love.

And then somehow lately this extraordinary has been running through my mind. I think no matter how ordinary a person is, he/she cud be extrao, While, no matter how extra-ordinary a person is, he/she needs to experience ordinaries. Without ordinary, there could never be extra-ordinary.

So what am I trying to say?? hehe, it sounds so confusing, huh!?!?

Oh yes, I remember, I wanted to write a book 10 years ago, the title was - the ordinary extra-ordinary me. hehe........I think I am too in love with myself as always.

My friend just called and she told me she wanted to leave her husband. :) I always got such calls as I always a supportive to any form of leaving action if it's not happy. But then, I was sounding so logical and neutral that she was confused.....lol...reverse psychology - too often I support such actions, people wud then argue their way to the dysfunctional rp. The best is - they make their own fraking decision, rather than asking me, dont u think!? Anyways, she didnt really ask me if she shud leave or not, but moments like this, I guess everyone wants to hear "You are right!".

Umm, sorry, this entry is blablah, as I was playing Rachel Yamagata too loudly and I was too attentive to the lyrics, which most r kinda referring to my sentiments. I will write about love (it seems I said this before here in one of the entries and I did....^^)......more about love, and 2012 in coming entries. I have a new thought....not worldly new but my own self new.....

Till then, have a great week. Stay sober and detox for NYE......I need to take few days off from going out, drinking....I need to embark a new page of life and I need to be ready for it. Yup....I did too much during Xmas, drinking, meeting frenz, staying out late , and I feel my liver is abit overloaded. :)))

XOXO

Did U have a magical Xmas>!>!>!>!>!>?????

Always, I wish everyone a magical Xmas. But mine wasnt that magical, just going out and going out. So I wish everyone a MAGICAL NEW YEAR 2012!!!! I have been waiting for 2012 to come, and it's just crazy it's finally just days away. I remember, when I was much younger, I thought 2012 wud never come as I wud be like an old fart. Shit, now I am an old fart, but a stylish pretty kind who has many experience as her medals and scars.

I am not sure what;s gonna happen in 2012, but definitely by end 2012, I wudnt be spending alone. I know that. hehe

OK, just want to say Hi to everyone. Did want to write a dream....it was quite vivid. And will do it later. Maybe.

Lastly, done your resolution yet?!?! if not, do it now. I hvnt done but I will spend an afternoon with my notepad doing that this week. It's kinda cliche really....but it's a good cliche afterall. So why not!?!?!?!

Do leave ur comments here to let me know ur top 3 goals for 2012, if u like, U can tell me even ur 2015 goals, I wud be delighted too. :))

Shameless

Not me! Yes me....
OK, I am going to talk about TV again. Hvnt watched much movies lately. But TV, yes very much, as basically it's a mindless action, I let the whole season run at the back of my skull, while sleeping. That's my habit. And lately I realize that I like Showtime shows such as dexter, homeland, weeds, now it seems shameless is quite interesting, just always drama upon drama - and of coz each episode they could always some sorta solve the "drama".

Well, I wish our lives cud be as fun, we could ensure to solve some drama at the end of the day or at the end of the year. But then at times without issues, what a life there is to live? To experience? To feel triumphed?

more hopeful, I guess

I should give thanks, actually after negotiating with some gods, it seems I got partially what I wanted. At least one out of three fulfilled, it's pretty awesome. Though, something happened on the good news day and that made me reallllllly bitter and sad. And my heart is since still filled with some form of heaviness.....anyways, guess yin & yang.....u need to balance it with some heaviness and lightness, if not it all turns out to be indeed unbearable lightness or heaviness of being. 

Then at times like this, after close to 4 years of being single....of coz I have had different dates or so on. Yet, maybe it's winter, the feeling is quite overwhelming. It never happened much like this before, and I rarely whine about being lonely or alone in the past, except this year......guess once u have experienced love and U cant actually physically be with that person, the loneliness amplifies and it's just unbearable....

It's been really nice to have you guyz checking on me here and lately I got a mega-email, very long and entertaining. And it's good at times, U got people to share your views or express his/her own diff views on stuff with substance. It's even more challenging to reply to the points but I luv this.

then, 2012 is gonna be exciting. More things seem to be looking up, and I am going to enter a new territory that I have never been really fully equipped so it means it's gonna be super challenging, tiring, exhausting - BUT alot to learn. How to make a person fresh is one continues to find lessons, experience - and trully benefit from them, and continuously stimulate the mind makes a person more alive. And I need this aliveness very much.

Yet, a thing to note. Was talking to a fren rgd her triangle love affairs, I feel - she puts too much emphasis on "lessons", haha....guess saying we learn from our mistakes is a positive attitude, yet - relying on learning from mistakes will destroy a person. And I hope, I will be smarter in striking the balance of learning from mistakes vs relying on learning lessons from mistakes.

Heaven & Hell

Im heaven & hell! I take u to heaven and I can bring u to hell! Isn't god the one who does that!? Then I must b god! Mayb everyone actually is....god!!

Left & right! I'm living in left & right situation! My dogs - they are sleeping on my left & right sides! I turn, they follow! My body of left n right sides no longer belong to me!

Life & death! Every morning I want to stab or jump so I can be dead dead! Yet, I try to live in the ebby of much waiting waiting & waiting for all these years!!

Black or white! Hving no white hair pple mock at me gor not using my brain yet everyone wants to dye their hair black so they can look young!

Pathetic n jealous life I'm leading!!!!

I HATE days LIKE THIS

These few days have been dreadful due to some reasons so I luv this song, it just speaks my RAINY spirit.

Some guyz are so weird. OK, this german guy I met via Linkedin, I told about. He buzzed me again and asked me when we could "shag" or his words - "lets have a dinner and sweet time", haha. I said, I cant, I got a bf....:P I really didnt want to hv a sweet time with him. But I am not someone who wud ignore a buzz.....

Then he asked me if I loved my "bf", I said yes I love him. Then he said, you love him then why dont you have a naughty time with me??? kakakakakak

What kind of rationale is that, man!? I am flattered, frankly....I am not a pretty gal. Normal, not ugly. Figure wise? in HK standard, I am FATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. But I am not fat, I have curves, ok!? HK galz have no curves, what so nice about skinny? OK....so yes flattered but...I think guyz are always like this? I dunno....just awkward for me.....

Have been living in colloid hydrogel

Way too long....what the heck is that!? It's actually more scientific term for quicksand. :)

I realize today I have been running inside of the quicksand, no wonder I am so tired - but u watch discovery channel, U know it, once U r being put there, the chance of getting is tough by urself. OK, so that has been my state for long long time.....did I choose? No, I wud say No, I was forced to or simply put there by the almighty hand. Yet,

I think, I am always addicted to challenges or metamorphosis....wud it be a way god is trying to break me and mould me again!? But this time, frankly, this little joke is abit too much for a poor single lonely gal to handle. All sides....absolutely crushed. But then....

A note to think - I am not dead yet, so...does it mean I have a chance, surely I do, I know it, as I could feel, finally I got a hang of how to get outta this quicksand and now I am abit scared to get outta it. U know....abit like the stockholm syndrome....hehehe.....

And then was talking to a fren I havnt talked w for more than 4-5 yrs. What I was trying to explain to her, the first 2 yrs were training mind, and this year is training heart. And they all suck....haha...no, I know in few yrs time, when I look back, I would appreciate every moment of my life these 3 years but at this moment - I cant. 

OK, well, always say better tomorrow....may we hv that too. Together, as buddies. :))

Looking Back

This is one of those mornings, I got up and thought of the many mistakes I made during this year and some time ago. I usually did it every few days in the past, now I do it collectively in one go. I am facing some consequences and maybe doing it now in beginning of Dec is good, so kinda - I could set some resolution end of this month. I have been waiting for 2012 to arrive since dunno-when, yes I am always intrigued by weird stuff....and Mayan calendar has been the topic btw some frenz, eg Bruce since many yrs ago.

I think I always thought, by the time 2012, I would already visit Peru and be transported away from earth, haha. Or it;s already end of time and rapture is taking place, blaaaa.

Mistakes, well....some of the mistakes I made were due to ignorance. Maybe people say I am an impulsive person....yea, maybe, so I made some mistakes. But many were committed due to my emotional state. Somewhere I heard, some women would take testosterones to cure their fluctuating emotion, and I always think maybe ie what I need. hehe.

Lately. I have been wishing abit if only I could be more like my frenz & family, then if that's the case, my life should be less turmoil (maybe). Or if I didnt rely on so much of my decision making skills, guess....I wouldnt be alone now. Or, if I did this or that, I would be a more successful person, etc.

This year is esperically obvious. I have been affected by stuff that basically handicap my every move, and frankly-----for someone who rarely exercise regrets, I feel abit regretful. so this morning, when I got up, I started analysising......the mistake I made couple of months ago, nothing big....but it may affect my fren, so what I am going to do is to take all responsibility, and that's my decision. I need my soul to be restful - despite she made half of the mistakes too, yet, people never think they have done anything wrong.....yet, I need to have clear conscience - and honestly ultimately one day I analyse myself I wud think by my doing it is an act of impulse. But I need it to be out of my head as fast as possible.

Then beginning of the year, I trusted someone - actually I havent thought about it for a while.....and it affected me abit only....as I didnt tell that person to go to hell, rather, I blessed him - may his con find his way back to him one day, U reap what U sow. So I wonder.....if I did sow something bad in the past too, hehe.

All these are not really committed due to impulse, rather coz of ignorance....not understanding something well enough....so I must put this in my head today to take heed of the lessons.

Of coz then.....some romances, and bla.....I find men do affect my emotional state alot. Maybe, as many say I am a floating person, many a times I would hope to be grounded somewhere...as pple say, to rest. Yet, I think it's not the case, so I must learn to more compartmentalize myself. It's something I forsake it for some time........

I am not moody but surely I am not in good mood. Scratching out mistakes is quite tough to the soul, but I must find ways to untie it one by one so I could be set free and I need to be free......As I do hope by the time this blog hit maybe 600 entries, or something....I could say wow, I am a free bird now....haha, flying....I doubt it wud happen by 600, but then it's a nice target, achievable and soon. :)

Have a good weekend.

Quilt Cover

Tonight is cold, and I am going to bring my not too warm quilt out soon. And I remember this quilt cover that my ex bought with me in Australia. I am not sentimental or attached to things of the past much, but tonite I somewhat thought of him as he was my refuge my hospital once. I think in my life I have come across many men - he's definitely not a core shaken nor a soul revivalist, but he is a hospital. Frankly, I used him to cure my wounds.....since after him, I have become many's hospitals.....I always think it;s a karma thing.

I am thinking over the changes I have attained past 10 years. I have changed alot. Then this word, metamorphosis came to mind and I wonder....as many people wud call me butterfly as many know I am not an earthy animal....I wonder if I am actually experiencing the bursting out pain now to become a real butterfly. I hope it is....as I still have hopes, U know. I am just slightly fearful that....that's it.

I think, I want to buy a new quilt cover with someone else...I want new memory, I want new things. I am frankly not attached to this cover, haha....nah, I am more cold-blooded than that. I just dont attach things to a face much. But lately though someone has brought out this side of me....but I am resisting that, or,...maybe with some sorta attachment is a good thing!? I think so....maybe it's ok then. I think people with not obsessive attachment is a healthy living being. I am definitely the cold-blooded kind,.....so I am learning.....metapmorphosising....and hope maybe one day I will indeed turn into a bright pretty uniquely patterned butterfly. As I said in pewvious entry.....I negotiated my way with god(s)....another thing I would put on the table is - I genuinely want to bless people with the good things I have, be it love, money, joy, care.....actually I am a wonderful person and am gonna bless many people, so I would pray when I pray maybe god could help me a little, so....in turn I can bless the world, or at least people ard me. How to draw more water from an already dry-up well, ie my arguement point.

U think god will buy? I hope he's reasonable enough to buy my negotiation points.

OK, hehe...just some thoughts before sleep. And dont mean to be negative....but ai well, as said, this is my space, I can say whatever I want and like.....:)))) But thanks for dropping by.

Collision

My mind is in collision.

Was watching TV shows, Bones, Criminal Minds. I esp enjoy their brainy quotes. These ones -

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Joseph Campbell

 

Then I query myself......I want all doors open for me, actually contrary to many beliefs, I am very dedicated in believing the universe...though my arrogant face always looks skeptical. Then my next question is - what's my bliss?? Where's my bliss? I can never answer the question - what makes u happy. I apply deduction method - to deduce what's less unhappiness. 

Just like the question - what do you want?! I have been asked many times before....and I always asked back. Usually people cant really answer this Q....genuinely. I am not sure, lately - I could answer that, but as I was going through the quotes of Campbell - another one has affected me a little. It's about marriage vs love affairs (guess means all kinda luving rp). Anyways.....so, I am asking myself today, what's my bliss!?

I feel heavy inside when I ask myself this Q, so I am going to light a cigarrette and ponders alittle....I know today I cant find the answer, but the heaviness inside I feel - it will drive me towards that goal. I think I will find it.....I know I will find it.....The universe has the obligation to help me find it....hehe

Whenever I pray, I would somewhat negotiate my way - kinda like this. I have had my shares of "bad fortunes" as my frenz quoted, but I always treat them with respect and joy as I believe they are lessons, experience I have to go through for next stage, and at the same time seeing the deeper inside of myself that - I aint that really that good as I think I am. I have recognize that without blaming anyone nor god nor universe nor my parents....I dont even blame myself (ok...lemme think I did blame, maybe at times)...severely....all I do is press on, pick up myself, try to smile and actually give joy to others. So maybe if U r listening, give me a nudge and a hand....I am not stupid, actually I am exceptionally bright, so, why torture such a potential being here on earth. Maybe....well, the other alternative is just to take me away from here and bring me to heavenly stars.

U thinjk whoever listening will help me?? hehe...I hope it doesnt sound too arrogant but trully...I have had enough of diff things. I am really getting tired in my physical, heart and brain. My soul is ageing too...I never feel my soul is ageing, as no matter how....my soul was always hopeful.....anyhow...

if U somewhat pray too, ask your gods to spare me, let me walk towards the brightest paths as I do believe with all my being & all my soulful energy, I deserve it.

Thanks.