Another 600+ odd days to go

Actually, 2011 means alot to me.

It's a lookout to 2012, a giant step of my curiosity about the Mayan calender thingie. I trully believe that something would be opening up. I hope it's going to be our spirtual awareness, rather than nuclear bombs.

It's, I believe, a closure finally of my 2 year of suffering.

It's also the closure of the past 10 years of relationship stuff..............cant say I got too much but they were all pretty burdening. I believe this year it's going to be brighter, lighter, prettier

It's a beginning of very crucial 10 years for me - I cannot waste another more of one second of my life here onwards.

I dont know why, but I feel alotta excitement bubbling within my soul. :D

Huge Virus

It's roaming around the city. Everyone is sick. At least people around me. 4 out of 7 within my family are sick. I am sick of coz. I slept for > 30 hrs just on Xmas & Boxing Day - it's a gift to me though, haha, as I usually didnt get to sleep so much in one go.

So pls beware!!!!! Stay Healthy & Fit.

Take Care, My friends!!

Happy NEW YEAR!!!!

I havnt thought of any resolution yet.
But my Japnese fren asked me the day before if I fulfilled any of my 2010 resolution, I said NONE. But, haha, he actually corrected me, as I did manage to fulfil ONE - ie no dating, no anything for 2010. I did that!!!!! Yippeeee..........though to be honest, I think I did manage few of my goals. However, the few I wanted the most, didnt get them done, coz some of the circumstances were beyond my control.

2011, my 1st I thought of was on NYE. I hope I would be still working in 2011 on 31st till 11pm. Even more better would be I could have a flat with a patio or rooftop, so I would be working in my home office, and my frenz are enjoying themselves with BBQ, alcohol, etc, then by almost MN, I could join them straightaway. Ummm.....lets see if this would be realized.

I will start my resolution draft within 1st week of Jan, I hvnt really sit myself down to think about it so far.

Here, I want to take the chance to wish all my frenz here - Happy New Year. May your 2011 be filled with happiness, contentment, exciting moments & serenity.

Luv Always,
Dawn

Lucky Me.

I AM A BITCH but I AM A SWEET BITCH!!! What's the paradox? or the Irony?

I dont really know.

However, I wrote an "somewhat angry email" to my aunts, telling them I dont really freaking care if I would see them again. But I gotta make my point. I dont know, maybe at the end the worst will be on me, as maybe they would chase me for some kind of redemption - through my sibling.....I feel sad for my bro & sis, really. Ie what the email I wrote was telling them (1) I hv been angry with them for 30 yrs, (2) they DONT even say a bad word to my bro & sis for whatever my dad's situation at, (3) this kinda family things should hv dealt with before we were born so why r we the excuse now, maybe they should do something for their "brother" (my dad) instead of asking us to be nice to him.

For one thing he IS NOT actually mad at us. The root, We always go back to the root. It's HIS PARENTS, my grandparents. NEXT, it's his sisters. Final, us. We mix up the order. They mix up the order. And HE mixes up the order. How pitiful, we human have such small capacity of brain wave, brain power, brain juice.

Always just point to the nearest object? So, does it mean it's the best OR the worst? Stupid. We are all so STUPID. LOOK at the whole timeline (I am a good project manager, I look at the whole process, excuse me if I am nasty - coz I couldnt help it, as I am unbiased to every step)!!!!

Ok, why I am lucky!? haha................

Seriously, with my complex conflict mind + my childhood - I shouldnt have lived on this earth for over 20 yrs. I shud hv killed myself long time ago (back to the 1st few posts of this blog - why I had this blog), as some know, I did attempt once or twice or few times.....I cant recall. As past is the past, why dwell on it any longer after U r 30!!

I am lucky as somewhat dont know how I was cured after 30......thanks to a good heaven. Then, the ah Q spirit out of nowhere just exponentially grows! Then, I am so so blessed I made/hv made many dear frenz who somehow - one told me today if I would be marry again, he would rent the Grand Hyatt ballroom for me, kakakakak - stand by me, luv me, support me................Just be there for me, even reading this blog.  Responding here. U cannot NOT understand how lucky I feel.

I always feel I am a lucky person, yet these 2 yrs were tough (notice I use past tense? hehe) and I dont believe my luck drains off, rather it will grow much bigger as I am blessed with good people, I am blessed with my perseverance, I am blessed with many kind & splendid things..........uncountable, never could count.......................................................................

I hope, you will realize you have non-countable assets one day, truthfully feel it within. Then you will understand this moment of mine.

Stone & Water

hehe....see if you like my philosophy.

I was communicating with my aunt (the aunt who's an artist & poet) via emails. We were talking about mis-match between couples.

Actually, I dont believe in true match as it's just impossible. I am a fairy tale gal, I like fairy tales still. I believe in fairies & angels, of coz demons & witches too.Yet, finding a soulmate or the one =/= match. We cant become gel anyways. We are still 2 individulas, living in one own body & die alone one fine day. However, I was telling her that, if the man is a stone, then the woman could be water, it would already be nice. As the water polishes the stone, while the stone mineralizes the water, despite they can never gel - maybe till the end of time, everything vampourizes in the fury of a nuclear bomb. haha............

Anyways, find your stone or water in your life. :D

Handling sales girls

is really fucking troublematic. Maybe I should say handling women. yes, guyz, I know, I un, I get it.

They just never say things straight. They have issues with communication except selling & getting money. Ho Lun Feng!!!!

Solomon

I got two bible characters I adore most, one is Solomon from Old Testament & Barnabas from New Testament. Sorry, Jesus, I never really like the character as much as you sounded abit arrogant & bitchy at times  and you were way too perfect!!!! (kakaka, just like me.....:P).

Barnabas means the son of encouragement. I have always aspired to be more encouraging & supportive. I think I have been doing pretty well.

Solomon was the king as you all may know. Actually, he was illegitimate son from King David who actually stole someone else's wife and then sent her husband to the war front to be killed. When he grew older (not sure if he was a king already or not, but I guess he shud be by then when he said this), he was asked what else he wanted from God. He told God that he wanted more wisdom, not wealth. (mind you, he was already very smart, he wasnt asking for more smart, he was asking for more WISDOM)!!! All my life, ie what I am asking for too.

Sidetrack abit. I actually luv the bible, because if you could read carefully, they are indeed quite relevant today, if you put aside some bias judgement. And one thing about  the bible, if you are not reading it like a spiritual guide. It talks alot about being human, the difficulty of being a human. How at times in life they were doing great wonders, next they could have many flaws in them. No one is perfect. Even great kings or prophets can make mistakes also.

I specially attended Sunday School when I was young to hear this very articulate teacher to talk about King David. I wasnt that intrigued by the story of young David killing a giant with a stone, Actually, I find this reference abit dumb. I was very into the fact that King David was loved by God for his love for God and he was very obedient, yet like every perfect thing, he sinned against God more frequently after he became a king & was growing older (guess, my fren Ellie, you could correct me if any accounts are wrongly put - I write here based on my memory some 20 yrs ago).

Back to Solomon, he as well revered God, but as his wealth & kingdom grew big, so was his ego & disobdience. Yet & again, no one is perfect. And despite such a wise guy, he was dumb too. I think ego can indeed kill a success.

Wisdom is always what I ask for, getting good score at school may mean you have high IQ, but it doesnt equate you as being wise. 

Wisdom needs practice. Wisdom needs patience. Wisdom needs experience.

Why I am talking bullshits again? 2 reasons, I was thinking about myself yesterday, another one is I hope you may have interest to do some reading on the bible. Not that it's about converting yourself a christian, more it's indeed a great book to read if you dont reference so much the spiritual side of things.

OK, I was thinking about myself yesterday at Tin Hua MTR station, how tough it has been past 2 years. How lucky I am to have a few good friends & mom+sister supporting me, believing in me. How strong I feel life is going to be better in 2011. Then suddenly a fear creeped into my heart reminding me of the Solomon story - yes he was a wise man, yet like EVERYONE in the history he lost it when he made it. And then I reminded & counselled myself that I should Always Always remember the hardships, the helplessness I went through. I strongly & 100% am convicted that the universe made me go through all these coz it knows me very well - indeed I am very forgetful for the pain & sorrow I go through. However, this lesson to me is way too important, as I couldnt allow myself to be in it ever again. And when I indeed make it big one day, I shouldnt be too arrogant about it (as I am sure I would become super bitch). To me , 2 years is very long, it's quite unbearble honestly - yet I know why it gives me such a long dragful period too, as if not, I wouldnt get it at all, and it needs to imprint deeply to my every cerebral cell & juice.

The Best Bad

I think, I am not that nerotic afterall. Many people outpass me, as they all want to be the BEST BAD (the worst).

I heard my partner telling me that this guy who was going to be fired was at "worst situation" than me 2 years ago, when I heard the news I wouldnt be able to have a job due to their last minute informing me there would  NOT be a fucking office in HK for me to run. Man, how would that guy be worst than me, for:

1. I heard the news THE LAST DAY I left my job in CHINA

2. I MOVED back to HK without a job

3. I only got 1 MONTH compensation

For the only thing he was worst than me was that he got a family - HUH??? I got a family too. He has a wife, his wife works too....worst than me......based on WHAT THEORY??!!!

Then, this S'porean guy told me he was at "Worst situation" than me. OK, lets hear him. He got his paycheck every month and he was doing admin work, yet he was called THE DIRECTOR. OK, well, my turn. I got no PAYCHECK and I named myself regional manager.  AGAIN, lets say it together, based on WHAT THEORY????

Then, as I was talking to my friend's wife. She as well told me she was at "WORST SITUATION" than me. 1. she was disliked by her fellow wivey group (his husband's frens' wives), ok....just one point. Me? I was DISLIKED by them first day I arrived. She came with her husband. I went alone. Worst??? how come?? I dont get it.....my goodness.

Then, many others. When they are single, I am attached, they are "worst" than me. When I am single, they are married, again they are "worst" than me. When I am single, and THEY ARE ALSO SINGLE, they are STILL "worst" than me. Why ???

WHY?? WHY??? WHY???? people like to be the worst?????

You know, they always think they are trying to encourage someone. I tell you what! If you are reading, PLS KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Coz by saying it, you are denying someone else's pain. Denying their experience. Denying their EXISTENCE. It's just another way saying - MY PAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. YOURS ISNT!!!!!!!!

Do people ever grow up & think in a more 3D dimension? I pity the world filled with all these people.

I was heard before I was seen!

I think.......

I just got a FB msg from a new-made french guy, he told me he saw , no, he heard me at Causewaybay "Eat Street" and he was 5 cm away from me. OK!? Well, am I that freaking loud??? And was I that "arrogant" & "unattentive" that I couldnt see a face?!?!

I guess, lately I am. I realize, the more "independant" I become, the more "arrogant" I have been and the more "couldnt care who the fark you are" attitude has dominated my aura and senses. I guess somehow intrinsically I am still a nice gal, yet, my attitude has changed. I forget a person after 5 sec, or 5 mins after the 1st msg.....pewh, the people just leave my mind! Honestly, if a person doesnt remind me he/she exists, I seriously cant remember this person exist.

Lets jump a topic, I was thinkiing - or I have been thinking since I was young, what was I doing at the very moment when someone was doing something 20 years ago.............................I like this thought as it's something you can never KNOW, except guess.

Oooo, time to sleep.

Lie master

I think why majority of people are bad liars as they are trying to make a lie. The true lie, lemme give you a truth lie hint, is to offer a half truth, half lie.

Why am I talking about it? As I find my mom a bad liar. We were trying to mask the fact that we went to Macau with her, without informing him. She was trying to say all the weird lies. I mean if she's an attentive liar, she would be able to make it through. However, my mom doesnt have a brain for such, and she's super bad in attaining details, so at the end I gave her a half truth a half lie - when she speaks to my dad about my fun trip, she wouldnt have to "lie".

Well, learn this, it takes a master to lie truthfully. keke

Family Meeting

I dont even eat dinner with my family, hence I was so reluctant to attend it, with my aunties & uncles to discuss issues between my dad and mom. I thought I would be 100% nothing to say, but once again as my client said, how could I ever shut up. hahahaha

Really, why do I talk so much? I talk and talk. lol. I dont think my aunties ever saw me talking so much. But this time is different. And honestly, they want us to make nice with our dad. And to me.....I am sorry, I wont do anything, unless he makes a small step first. It's not that I dont luv him, but I hate people blaming everyone for anything. I dont fucking care if he's my dad or not. People would call me heartless, it's true as my parents said that about me when I was a kid. The thing is, I dont look at the people, I look at facts. I was always defending my aunties when I was young in front of my parents, hence they said "finger bent out, not bent in" - it was very simple even in my young mind, I didnt really care it was my aunt or my parents, I looked at the damn facts!

I was "timid" when I was a kid. Now to think about it, it's more than just timid. I just didnt want to argue to people who didnt have the same view as me. Also, I would know they could never get what I meant. And on top of influcence from my parents - being scared of everything...........my timid was gigantic.

It's, to me, ridiculous that parents expect the kids to "SUPPORT THEM". Sorry, I dont buy in the same philosophy. Well, I may go to hell for that, but it's just plain idiotic. Well, coz they raised me I gotta repay? Did they have a choice to have me or not? YES. Did I have a choice to have them or not? NO. Did I ever want to live on this planet? NO. I would if I could. Why do I have to understand their problems? When they never understood their parents' problems (I am referring to my dad)? And so he wins it all lah......everyone has to understand him. Also, who gets to understand me?? (I dont need people to, actually) Sorry, in my formula, it doesnt work like that. 

Honestly, I have seen some people who were, have been in worse situation, they rise upon the horizon. It's just a plain character flaw he possesses. I already imagine if he would be in his deathbed, would I regret? yea maybe, but wouldnt be big. Yet, I am more concerned if he would start to regret when he's in his deathbed, then it would be sad. I am in somewhat quite rational & detached to things like that. I did have a bit regret after my grand-pa died, as we ALL totally misunderstood him. He was a smart guy, just that we didnt get him then, sadly. But with my dad, really not until he makes some small steps, I wouldnt consider to be OK with him. If I have the money, I would give to him, not out of respect, but out of pity.

hehe, I blow water again!

Pressing Headache

Sometimes, when you reach certain moments, you just become afraid to be vulnerable. I am always pretty vulnerable (in a humble good way), as sometimes I feel everything is like fluid, motion. Nothing much can harm me. Tomorrow, I have to meet with my accountant to explain (in my pts of view) complicated relationship with my partner. And then I have to spend time to make all paperwork. I have been just hiding from it, seriously. I dont want to face it.

When I was younger (till maybe 2-3 yrs ago), I crowned myself as a great escapist. I escaped to my own world. I escaped not to confront. I escaped to not look, listen, or just plain do anything..............Today, again, I realized I've finally grown up again.

This french guy who broke (but he said it's postponed) the contract that made my life hell these few months wanted to see me on Monday, he didnt show up at 11am coz he couldnt find the MTR exit. Anyways, so we met again at 7pm, I just wanted to know why they would break /"postpone" the contract - I told them, your project delayed wasnt my problem, you didnt give me work was your issues, not mine. If I would be an employee, you would be obliged to pay the salary - I stressed that they should honour the contract. Anyways, he wanted me to go with him to a meeting - I reluctantly accepted it as it's a big company, I just hoped to be more connected, so to speak. When I got up at 7:30, I really wanted to send him a sms & then turned off my phone - just to tell him I was so fucking sick, blhblhhhh. But now, I couldnt do it, I guess I must have grown up, despite I really really wanted to.

My another pressing headache is, I need 3-6 months to build up the projects I am working on. They do have good prospects, but it seems they arrive abit late.........now I am not sure what I should do. It's been so so so tough & difficult. I just hope I could win some jackpot tomorrow. DIU!

Then came another bad news too, but I guess I was already immuned to bad news, I kinda felt nothing. haha. When I was talking to a fren yesterday about my past 2 yr situation, I somehow had this belief inside my heart that I would make it. Very strong feeling. My "chance" hasnt actually arrived yet, it's a matter of time the universe has to toughen me enough. Anyways, wish me good fortune..........:)

13 days to go

For our magical Xmas.

Lets have a fun, positive, blissful MAGICAL Xmas!!!!

STAY FOCUZ..............

ME! yes......Focuz. Focuz. Focuz.

Erotic Dream

I just had an erotic dream.......my first 3P dream. hahaha
it was actually pretty real....LOL

Sometimes, overdo it.....

Just some words..........
I think some galz just overdo it, I hope I am not one of them!
They overdo sexy
overdo accessories
overdo thinking they r THAT pretty
overdo luv with a jerk
overdo reliance
overdo wanting a baby
overdo wantinging to get married
overdo staying deadfish
overdo crying
overdo dreaming
..........................................................

for me, I am sure I overdo watching TV series. hehe

DragQueen

I am afraid of few types of people.
One is stupid people.
The other one is DRAG QUEEN = people who are scattered mind & couldnt control not talk. Everytime they open their mouth, they TALK and they dont give you just a second of mind peace. They go on & on & on. The worst thing is the SPEED of their talking is usually FAST, yet, the content is meaningless.

E.g. when they are trying to quote example, many a time they would say, 1. water, 2, oil, 3. earth, 4. water, yes as I said 4 types......WHAT!!!!??? Cant they listen to themselevs they are repeating themselves. Ie one thing I find it's one of the attributes of sales - they like to repeat themselves. This is one way to hypnotize people to buy in what you are trying to sell. Another side of the coin is that they dont have much inside their head, so they gotta repeat whatever they have..............

I am very very sleepy, as listening to scattered mind people use my energy more than anything nowadays.

My EQ is high but my black face never dies

Couple of years ago, I got record low EQ. I got discouraged all the time, I turned depressed all the time, I cried all the time - like my fren said - a typical crying bitch.

NOW?!

Wow, my EQ is pretty high. I dont feel "depressed" so easily, as I got too many things that worth my depression, yet I dont hv time to be depressed over them. However, when I am running a project, the client doesnt co-operate or get serious about it, I BLACK FACE. I used to blackface to my boss. Now, I blackface to my clients. I couldnt help it, in somewhat, I am a perfectionist. I hate it when people dont see well planning for e.g. opening a counter is important enough to reply some emails, make some phone calls to align.....etc etc. I hate it also, people think things will be smooth, BLINDLY believing it. Well, if you are not asking for something accurate or perfect, I guess it's totally cool. But, I really hate it also sometimes they think everything can be redone. The thing is - I hate the rework process. I trained my team before - THINK AHEAD to avoid the things you hated gutz - REWORK. It's time wastage, effort wastage. It's so not edifying. It's so not challenging. It's so freaking boring. So, I am pretty demanding when it comes to a project. But my motto is if you try your best beforehand, it doesnt come through - then U already WIN!! 

My fren Raine is right. Sometimes it's so tiring to work for bosses who are not actually hands-on & investing their time in the business enough. They think they do. They run around doing things, talking things, but they never spend time to look at internal problems. MAybe for e.g. for once seriously FIRE the uselss idiots. Or maybe pay better salary for a good candidate, rather hiring 5 uselss people. It's the new world, the fit survives. Let them die but build a strong co for himself or herself. 

Many people thing, they HAVE a business. Sorry, its a bad idea. It should be BUILD a business - constantly need building. Having it is easy, building it is difficult. Just like for working pals, job & career are two different things. Many people are working on a job but not building their career.

I honestly wanna die if I got just stuck in a job but not a career - that's my feeling in the past. Even I am still going through very very harsh time, I am content within as this is what I like - whatever I am doing, owning freedom yet building a business of my own.

Cougar Dream

Hoho, catchy topic!

Couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I dated with a "boy" who was 14 yrs younger than me. In real life, it happened.......thou I didnt go ahead with it. Not that I mind the age thing,  honestly if I wud date a young guy, i want the best features & great body physique, hahahaha. I am a bitch. :P

And today I was talking to my fren rgd great guyz or non jerks. I am not sure if next pasture always seems better or tastier or what. I somehow feel the guys I like tend to be attached or married. Well, so I kinda pray that their wives would cheat on them...........HAHAHHAAH..............BIGGER BICTH................so that I could claim them some day. Hey, women cheat alot. It;s not uncommon as most think!!

Then jokingly we went on saying that we were now after the 2nd hand market. You know what, it dawned on me. I actually always always prefer VINTAGE & used Shoes. I really dont mind getting a 2nd hand man but of coz the premium kind. I find vintages clothes smell better, even vintage books to me smell heavenly. I like used shoes, as usually they are worn to a point that become so tender N soft - I dont like new shoes that take me ages to tame it to non-pain walking status. Also, to me, I like some mysterious thingie behind the vintage piece, you never really know who or when they were worn before. At what occasion? It always intrigues me deeply. Plus I find vintage clothes are so stylish if you match it correctly.

Honestly, for next bday, if you think of what to get me, lemme give you a hint:

1. Candles (I luv candles, as I somehow believe by Dec 2012 we would lose the electricity power....hahaha)

2. Vintage stuff - clothes or accessories....YUMMY, they tend to be actually NON cheap, so better not buy me! :)

Apart from

Devoting my time to finding projects to do, I spend most of my nites doing "article of the day" & "word of the day" with my nephew. I couldnt understand how a P2 kid could manage to do whatever they have been given. I am pretty darn sure that a F5 student may not be able to know every vocab or even get all the correct answers. For me, I managed 99.95% accuracy, yet some grammar is so tedious that even good english command people got it wrong, as I tested to some before.

Also, it's not like their school curriculum covers all that, but I guess they must be expecting that their parents have good level of english. Yet, how many HK pple indeed have good command in english - esp those who only study locally. It's so tough to be kids nowadays!!

My poor babies, ie why I so focuz on them, to help them & train their mentality. I always say I dont need them to have perfect scores, rather I need them to think independantly.