Making up your own stories....

IS not good for your psyche.

Lately, I talked to few galz. Really, I think when we hit 30's, pls grow up. No wonder HK men gave us all the funny names. After listening to the first part of this radio show, I finally was glad that someone had put it in a radio show - exactly my feeling towards my frens - making up their own stories=> act out => then "have feeling" towards their own plots (not the actual beings, but the plots).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjCscgK6M2I&feature=player_embedded

I hate the notion of being labelled as "middle woman" or "residual woman", but I should be in their category. Good that I really dont fucking care less, as I dont actually live here anyways. My psyche is always elsewhere, though sometimes I just have to be here, only. hehe, I am talking outspacey again. Nah, this is my feeling. 

Few of my frens told me stuff in confidence. I appreciate that. Yet, I guess when a woman or even a man talks in details about the situation, it's danger, becoz it means they are making their story lines, amplifying things that shouldnt have. (sorry, been there b4 but when I was b4 30. And it took me good old 10 odds years to shake it, so I know what I am talking about). I always remind them, not to remember details then get depressed over the details => like he went to toilet and he left w/o saying bye. Hey hey - give him a benefit of the doubt, couldnt the guy be abit drunk and wanna head home?!?! Dont think about it and feel sad over it. If the 2nd time, yeah, U got rite to be upset...................not everything means something, thou indeed everything means something, it depends how you intrepret it. Dont be so single focuz to a point that you start making up your own stories. The outcome, you are sad and you make haste move that usually are not the most intelligent move.

My thoughts. :)

Dreams

I actually quite enjoy few dreams I had lately, every few weeks something funny came up.

1. I am still trying to decipher my Golden Python and Huge Sea turtle meaning. I just cant shake them off.

2. Last nite, I had another funny dream. In my dream, I was hanging out with my fren, Leo. And we were abit drunk as usual. He asked me to sneak into his house N took a rest, not to let his mom knows, somehow the whole thing is like going back to high school-the alternate universe. Think about it. We both lived in Melb at around the same time, we never met. We knew each other when we came back to HK. I guess we would be alcoholic & addicts if we did meet back in Melb. hahaha, breaking all the rules, thou by what I know, he did break many rules over there. me no., I was a saint in Melb.

Then next, I went to this house, it was filled with dog-people. Yes, I saw them as people and they could talk, but they were actually dogs, canines, yes! So I felt compassion over them, so I chose three. On our way home, I was worried, as my mom didnt like dogs, cats, pets.........so I asked them if they were toilet-trained? I begged them to make sure they would pee, shit at the rite place, as if not my mom would be so pissed. (I lived alone for years, why wud I concern my mom - again it's like an alternate universe, whereby dogs=humans). Then one of them told me they gotta take this medicine, but forgot to bring. I said I would buy them. So I asked them if they were already de-sexed yet. They said no. So I asked them to use their own money to do so, as I got no money to do for them. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Funny!! huh!!??

Out of respect to sex n the city II

Since I dl PPStream, I managed to watch some of the US TV shows that I didnt see but wanted, same as some movied. I watched 2 movies. One was Argentina's Secret of the eyes. While, out of respect, I watched Sex N The City.

Holy Crap!!! Nothing has turned my stomach as bad as this one did to me for a while. Poor Plot, Poor Faces, BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD FASHION!!! SUCK MAX. TOTAL SUCK. I used to follow the seasons diligently for 2 main reasons. One, I was looking for luvvvv too, so kinda whatever the gals went through, I could get it. Second, fashion, shoes, bags, fashions , accessories, and yes FASHION!!!!!!! 

I wanted to stop watching after 2 mins as their clothes are bad, their facial expression-----how to say, emotionless, as they all got botox up, kinifed up too. It's trully not nice seeing esp seeing Samantha trying to pick up younger guyz. I am fine with the concept of cougar, I dont even mind being one. But plzzzzz, look at her face!!!!

Then, past 2 years, I did rewatch the series twice. Coz I wanted to look at the fashions, colors, shoes, heels.....but I got so so so turned off by the stupidity of these women. COME ON, GROW UP!!!! Esp with Carrie, she's like a fucking idiotic woman with no brain. For e.g. in this movie, she met her ex Aidan. So they kissed. What the big fucking deal!!!!! She gotta go all the way getting all the galz out to TALK??? About? Should I or Should I not tell Mr Big that I kissed my ex!!??????????? sHIT, what a stupid weak dependant small brain idiotic woman!!!!!!! SHAME ON HER!!!!!

I know many women who could be reading this may throw me tomatoes. hoho....sorry, I kept this to myself for 2 years, I gotta be honest for once too. hehe

A beggar gathering the loose change

I was talking to a business partner/friend. It's just strange that I work so well with Taiwanese guyz but not HK guyz. Everytime a HK guy opens his month to discuss something with me, I just want to stuff a hammer into their mouth & then pull out their intestines.

I was telling him how (only realized today) I had been like a beggar gathering loose change from everyone. Not yet one project is making me a decent living. 

Decent living means paying rent, a pair of shoes a month, dine out 2 times a week, drinks 2 times a week, get some clothes (maybe Lane Crawford warehouse) once a month, treat my parents dinner every 2 weeks, give pocket money to my mom, pay for some extra-curriculum my sis kids would like to attend, go to movies once a month, buy bday gifts to my good frenz, travel once (I havnt done any leisure trip for more than 2 years), buy starbucks coffee once every 2 days, desex my dog, buy yummy frozen/healthy meat for my dogs, go to see doctors, get some new bedsheets from Ikea, get some white tees, buy new bras sets (which I hvnt done for more than 2 years too), get a new notebook (as I feel mine is dying soon - TOUCH WOOD).............

It's been so tough. I am so not kidding or complaining. Good things I dont remember bad things alot. Actually, I feel I hvnt got outta the pit is coz the universe is saying I DONT BURN THIS LESSON WELL ENOUGH IN MY BRAIN...................I dont remember how hard it is to go w/o money when I actually constantly having zero. I want to tell the universe & everyone - I got it, man. I got it!!!! Just take this misery away, please!!!!

From this month, I am getting loose change from people, like a beggar. People giving me very peanut fees for my service, yet I may get commission at some points if I work so hard. U know.......my brain is going to explode becoz every every fucking project involves creativity. New ideas. New concept. New New New, yet I am getting OLD OLD OLD ............but what can I do? Too bad I sell pple that I am a brainy people.....so I just gotta use my brain. Why people are so mean? So wicked? So selfish? I suppose the universe is teaching me to be mean too. I never thought I would need to be nasty pple on money, but I guess I would............in the future, when I am giving loose change to others. hahaha.....kidding, seriously I really cant be such person. I still have a vision to save the world in my own dawnish way.

Call me stubborn or self-centered. There's nothing anyone can say to me that could make me better as just face it, I am in a pile of shits. Dont ask me to compare with the poorer people, as I always compare with them. I have compassion for them. But I dont deserve to be categorized with them. I was not meant to end up like this. Can you feel the pain of agony? For what I am striving for? For my goals? For my life? For what?

I am seriously not giving up either, as there's no way I will give up now. Oddly, as always, I see whatever I have faced in my life as an experience, as an experience I could share with someone someday, to save some souls.....I am not of a great person, but I want to be a hero in my dawnish way, as always, Stupid as it sounds. haha......

AGAIN, UNiverse or GOD or GODs, pls listen I get it I get it, mean. Just let it go, dont torture me. I am not a great person, I said it. Just give me some breather to live the rest of my life. I will share my miraculous salvation, how I was a beggar, not saved! THANKS!!!!!

Running Out

I have been presented with much opportunities lately. Yet, everything is all about wait wait wait..........I am getting really zero patience on the waiting. Esp, I am getting peanuts from certain projects but then I have to wait wait wait.......................I am so tired of just wait wait wait.

Then, I get pissed by stupid people even so much more easily lately. I just want to scream at them. Ask them , seriously, fucking go to hell. You dont belong to this human race.

Then, to my clarity of mind or realization, I got a terrible biz partner to begin with. I am just so anxious to get out of it, yet I need to wait wait wait for another 3 months.

Then, I am meeting one of the fucking europeans in few hours. I just have to smile, act smart. Shit.....................

I hate the whole thing. I want to kill myself again, This time, I dont want to jump but just hang myself. The bottled-up anger & frustration are just unbelievable...........I seriously also want to find someone to stab & just kill someone out of the anger sake. Maybe I should learn like what Dexter does, kill the bad guyz & chop them up real nice..........................

Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What would you do....

When you dad may threaten to hurt your mom or your family.....becoz of.....no reasons? Just he created stories in his head that made him mad. Tell me, what would you do?

My utmost concern would be my sis kids, as my mom takes care of them. Seriously, if I would be their parents, I would move the house as far from this family as possible. How could your dad threaten to hurt his family without any solid reasons.....??? Just coz he's not pleased with his life?!?!?!

My sis suggested we should report to police. But for me, I guess most of the time he just talked. So I advised my mom not to see him for coming days without our presence. And I will have dinner with him on Tue, not that I try to talk some sense into him. When someone creates a reality in his mind, no one can correct that imagination. I guess I would want to see abit from his expression, his conversation - the words he chooses to express himself, his way looking at my mom & my sis kids.......then will decide what's our potential next move!!!

I dont get it, when all of us are trying to get everyone living slightly better, and when we are all more united as a family, more laughters with each other, why would he try to sabotage that!? Yet in our mind (esp my sis n me), we couldnt comprehend a person we have known for over 30 odd years would become someone we so.....feel alienated. What so huge  to make you verbally inform your kid that, wait for something big to happen!!!???? While, already inform you that he killed mom in his dreams. What's the big deal? What happened??? We scratched our heads till no hair, we still couldnt think of a single or remotely collective issues why........we are deserved to be threatened like that!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe it's indeed just the smiple saying......money is evil?! I dont know......this is not how my dad used to raise me.

Lottie M

Sigh, my small dog "Chi-mama" Lottie (not chihuahua as she's too big to be called that) has PERIOD. YES M, MENSTRUAL, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! The funny thing was that I was so worried about her being raped during 2 week ago dog party but I was told unless she started to have M then she wudnt get defiled. The next day, she had M....shit, she's such a ham sup dog. She so wants to get laid. I gotta desex her once her M is done, which is ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! Two more weeks to go......SIGH!!!! BIG BIG SIGH!!!!

My lovely baby needs to be 100% pure, virgin for the rest of her life......kekeke

last week

Last week went by so quickly that I didnt know I just had 2 posts only. I thought I did a few. 

It's been quite busy few weeks, busy & anxious. I passed up my 1st business proposal - a complete one from market scan to SWOT to sales forecast.......I did partial of each session at various time, before but rarely did a whole thing all at once. I still got a PNL to deal with tonite.

I somehow think I was born to venture adventures, challenges. It's stressful when I was presented with limited info, yet was expected to produce. I somehow dont feel torn or stressed, but feel so excited to learn so many new things through my research. Guess, it's so true, it's never too old to learn. I dont feel old....still. Except few pics......

And through these 2 wk busyness, I even know much better about my changes. I have become more money-minded, more frank, more individualistic, less nice, less patient. Actually, to me, all are good traits. haha. I couldnt afford to be nice to everyone anymore. I am still learning how to say No, and how to "fuck  or "diu" someone nicely with a smile tactic"......................I still have long way to learn.

One thing, maybe horror to most, is that - I dont want to have fun. Like, I am not really enjoying going out, meeting new people, if there's not a purpose behind. I dont really need to go out to relax, I feel pretty relaxed and destressed by my dogs' company. First time in my life I dont see that as a problem. I even think of not drinking.....which I dont particularly enjoy anyways, thou I can drink few glasses fine. I learnt it for social reasons, not that I like the taste of it.

And good thing is that I did manage to catch up with few frenz. It was nice. Knowing everyone is intact, happy. I am happy. Really. Seeing my frenz smile is priceless.

Luv U all for reading. I know some of you may want to comment some of my posts, all you need to do is to click the comment - you can write whatever you like. All welcome. 

The single

I met few people today during a social discussion group.We touched on various topics from biz to romance.

And U know.....people who keep whinning about them going without a bf or husband or gf or wife....they usually have an issue. One is what I heard today - and got electric shocked from it. Both of the woman & the guy said - I want to meet single & emotionally available people - 1ST SHOCK. They commented not knowing where to find, so we were syaing.....just go out and hang out with different people. There came the 2nd Shock - "well, it's a waste of time if you realized that the guy was married or got issues, so I just want single emotionally available people!!!!!!" Seriously, which opp sex would want to go out with you, when you are just a freak!!!!!!

My honest answer to them, good luck finding one. Coz U will never find one.

I would faint if

I got caught at below scenario.......dont they have a dresser guy to help them fix their pbs??

Nipple - flowery Pattern

I may need 2 phones

Does it mean I should get iphone 4?? haha.....

Suddenly, everything is on the plate. Just in Sept, I got various projects. I need to write 2 proposals, which to be honest I have never actually done those business before. People just want me to do it.

And then I just got a call a sec ago, I may need to leave HK. I am thinking about it. I think I will do, esp they let me have a week holiday each month to come back to HK to solve my issues. But my main concern is my dogs now...........I would die if I couldnt be with them, honestly.

Anyways......will update the progress soon.

Elderly II

OK, I am so agnoized by those middle-aged men or women who DONT HECKINGLY use EMAIL!!!!!! But want to discuss business with me. Shit, I dont think I want to handle any business with someone who dont use emails at all. 

I got a call from this middle aged man. He freaking called me at 8:48, left a message, then called me again at 9:ish. Hey, I wasnt awake, as I dun work HK time at all. So, reluctantly, I called back. He "inched" me by saying - he carried the stuff of info in his back this morning in KOWLOON side and wanted to see if I could go & get the info, and had a chat rgd the business. And further he said I made TWO calls and now "I AM LUCKY TO GET A CALL BACK FROM YOU" I said I no living in KLN. And mind you, I sent my freaking queries (the info in his bag) 3 weeks ago and he didnt reply me once since. So, I said, I got many things to do during the day. I totally hate those who want to make appointment without informing via email or msg beforehand.

I did inch him back. Next time, email me first. hahahahaha

Good thing is I know the doctor I so want to work with, thou the dr assign this middle-aged man's boss to handle this region. I still have good vibe with the australian doctor, and I believe he wants to work with me too.

U know......I think these guyz, they once could very well be a GM or something, but now they got nothing as very likely they are not that update & smart enough. But thanks to these guyz too, I keep reminding myself to keep up to beat with the young gen, so I wouldnt be thrown into a rubbish bin (lucky if it's recycle bin)!

My bowl of rice

Do you get jealous of those ladies...hem hem....who manage to go to eat HiTea, or Fine-Dining or exquisite beef or weird fish everyday? Indeed, I got one from FB - either she's showing pics of Hitea or her crystal nails. Some of my frens already deleted her. But I havent. As I am very amazed at how she uses her husband's or maybe parents' money......I really want to follow up on this aspect. As I couldnt get it. To me, it's very boring to keep eating "fine food". I like to eat fishballs sometimes. Or Tofu Fa. ummm, or just a can of coke zero may make me quite fulfilled. I did have a period I didnt need to work - but I never went around eating. Another amazing thing is, from the picture, she isnt fat at all. I guess when she isnt posting pictures, she must be doing some lymphatic massage or pilates.

If I say I am NOT jealous after above blablablah, you may say I am pretentious or condescending But, oddly, I am not, seriously. I wish I could actually. I am just amazed really at how as the chinese saying - "one type of rice breed all kinds of people", as her type is surely not from my bowl of rice.

99

After deleting I thought 99 requests from FB, to my horror, I still find I have another 99 requests. It's not going to end, isnt it?! I give up. Out of the presumably 99 requests, I got 90% of which are - HOTEL CITY, RESTAURANT CITY ------ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think either my frens luv me so much or they think I am very generous not minding them bombing my "request" box, they keep sending me stuff. I stopped playing after 3 mins with those cities & cafes. Id rather watch - REWATCH friends 1-10 seasons over & over & over 99 times for 99x100000 laughs. I really cant sit in front of the computer playing such slow motion city games. 

I did interview my sis why she played so tirelessly. I dont think she gave me a convincing answer as I really couldnt remember her answer. Thou I did try to manage those cities for 3 mins, as I wanted to help maybe my neighbour ie my frenz, yet really.......I really couldnt continue. Also, it seems they could never end building the hotel, I suppose, if not they wouldnt keep sending me stuff........I want something that has an end. It's more soothing to know it has an ending.

I luv U still if U keep playing the cities, or cafes. I just adore your perseverance. I seriously dont have. Or maybe I just dont have that childlike side at all. :)

WHY FB so NON-democratic!!??

I saw this on some post :

遇上一個人，只需一分鐘；喜歡一個人，只需一刻鐘；愛上一個人，只需一小時；但要忘了一個人，卻要一生。

(English: one min to meet someone, 15 mins to like someone, one hour to love someone, but A LIFE TO FORGET SOMEONE)

HOLY CRAP!!!
I so want to "dislike" the post, but there's no click click for that. They only have "comment, share & like". Isnt FB abit communistic? Well, who dares (I dont dare lor) to comment my frenz who like this page?! I dont lor. But I want to dislike it secretly.....no dislike icon wor. DING!

There's always right & wrong or grey answer in this world. Why cant they just allow yes, no, and what else? Also it's a disease believing such quote. A life to forget someone?!?! Id rather die now if I couldnt forget someone I want to forget. 

I am going to delete myself from FB if people keep liking such nonsense!!!

FUCKING idiotic S-Company

EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! JUST EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! 

EVERY FUCKING SHIPPMENT, ALWAYS HAVE EVERY FUCKING DETAILS MISSED, or LOST, or DELAYED - ALWAYS BLAMED BLAMED BLAMED.

ALWAYS MONEY MONEY MONEY. CAN YOU PLS BE LESS MAH LUN FENG, then U R OK LOR!!!!! DIU!!!! YOU SO MAH LENG FENG making ME ALWAYS FUCKING MA Q HEADACHE!!! DIU!!!! ALOTTA MONEY FOR ME MER!!?? JUST NOT ONCE, NEVER ONCE, YOU CAN MAKE ONE FUCKING ORDER GO SMOOTHLY. FUCKING U BUNCH OF ASSHOLES GO TO HELL LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pewh, thanks guyz.

Sigh, breakup......

I tried to call, sms, email to a friend for past month but she never called back, which is unlike her as she's a pretty tough & responsible lady. Then, finally I managed to get her respond on msn - sighhhhhh...........she's talking about separation with her husband. I am not sure about the real reason, but seems that she doesnt want to have a child, but her husband insists.

It's saddening, rite? I guess they do luv each other, but due to personal preference, in this modern world, you cant stick together, as divorce is too easy! Sometimes, I think divorce is fine if you can no longer luv that person, but outta preferences, I think it's most saddening kind. I wonder being alpha male or female.....can you indeed make one relationship stick?! I doubt. I have no faith in it. Ie why......my frens said, "soften up, lady!", or "grow your hair long", or " lower your standard".................is it really that simple?

My parents. They are indeed separating after fucking decades together. Honestly, I wish they separated before I was born. (Oh if auntie Y you are reading it, pls keep it secret. I will explain in details next time I see you). Is the modern soceity making pple not stick or people become too modern to stick? Aiya, I dunno, which is not my concern nowadays......

Is it really that important (to me) to have a lifelong companion? Can I just have thousand of god-kids? So I wont be bored when I am old, since I believe they would luv me dearly even I become a grannie. hehe.

Sigh, just want to say......I feel sad & worried for my friend.

Another Level of EQ

Working in a job, you need EQ.

Having a business, you need another level of EQ.

A job, you got stable income. There's no gambling in it that pisses you off or disappoints you. You got a monthly stable income, downside is you may need to watch out the faces of your boss.

A business doesnt guarentee a stable income. It's a game of gambling - you may make alot or you lose it all. Actually losing it all is better than piling up the debts. You need to get prepared the hightened EQ to handle your clients, your clients' staff, your suppliers, your partner, maybe your staff as well.......even they are cunny & nasty, you need to learn to stay silent at the right time & slash out at the right time, too. Learn to smile, but devise a plan to revenge or take back what they have taken you - during this time you need to make nice to avoid your plan flop. Even there's no revenge involved, you gotta think if they are going to trash your next move, afterall you once trusted them. The EQ to handle every aspect is overwhelming alone, but that's what I am facing now.

Yet, I so realize my EQ has come to a stage that I couldnt imagine I could possess. I mean, I wasnt born a positive, emotionless person!

And I am not losing hope on partnership too. Just that, I gotta be careful with who I partner with in the future.

Names

After some fucking living on this planet earth for 38 years, I have some categories of names that you should sway yourself from. From own personal expericence & research.

ERIC:

I met 2 Erics that I got close relationship with. One is my ex. One is my business partner. I tell you, they are totally fucker, lazy but want to gain money w/o doing much work. Seriously, my frens, with such name, stay away plz.

Fiona:

I cant remember what happened between us. I got one Fiona only, but it had something to do with trust & money too. And when I was telling my fren about it, she shared very similar experience. So beware too.

Dawn:

Always neurotic with a hint of stupid faith in stuff. Yes me, I just know me as Dawn. Dont stay away, but hit me on the head all the time when I get too idiotic, plz.

My new view on Adam & EVE

IT"S BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

OK, one of my guy frens....he knows who the heck he is (kekekeke), as I told him I was gonna write here. He said something nasty....but we made up so wont mention it ever again. U'd better NOT!!! But one thing he kept saying was that I gotta find a nice guy.,,,nice guy,,,,,nice guy,..........................to COMPLETE me!!!!! I told him, honestly without hard-feeling of my past, I seriously enjoyed my single life too much. I am sucker for space, if anyone knows me well, ie why I have insomnia.

Why I have insomnia? Simple. Lets say I go out for 5 hours, when I get home, I need min. 5 hrs to be by myself doing nothing or anything............I cant enjoy the day w/o being by myself for the "supposedly by myself" period.

OK, about completing oneself. Really. I doubt anyone here finds oneself complete coz U r attached or U r married. I believe if you dont know yourself well, you are not complete with yourself, NO ONE, NO ONE can complete you. How many of us in this world find ourselves so uncomfortable being with himself/herself ALONE?!?! Does it mean, hving someone close by make U more comfortable? Then, can you be with that person 24 hrs alone, even while U r doing some serious shitting????????????? Sometimes, without someone, you may only find it less convenient, as air tickets - buy 2 U get cheaper fare. Hotel room, double is cheaper than single. Restaurants, a table with 2 seats instead of one seat. Or for a woman, no one helps u changing the light bulb (actually some guys dont even do that themselves!!!!!) or carry your heavy laundry. ONLY inconvenience, NOT incomplete when you dont have someone nearby!

While, lets go back to Adam & EVE. Actually, if according to the Bible, God created EVE coz ADAM was lonely. So he found a way to complete ADAM. No one ever said EVE was needed to be complete. It's ADAM - THE MAN - who was/is/has been in need for completion. So very daringly, I would say, the womam EVE was perfect! hehehehehe.........so it's wrong to tell a woman that she needs a man to complete her! Well, in retrospect, I would also jump to conclusion that why women need to endure period pain, birth pain - coz we actually convinced the imperfect ADAM to eat the fruit (no one ever said it was AN APPLE) - so we are perfectly imperfect, in somewhat, evil.

For me, I want to stay single until I find the right guy. My mom asked me why I didnt stay with the GREAT GUY (Anthony), so I wouldnt have to suffer. I tell you, my frens, if I would have stayed with him, you would never get a chance to know me. As I know me well that, I know I would surely commit suicide. Not coz he's a nice guy or a bad guy - just simply I couldnt achieve my purpose in life, while feeling guilty all the time for myself, and for him - I would surely jump. No matter how much I suffered for past few years, it was my choice, it was my purpose to learn something. But if I got stuck with just convenience, as far as I know, I would rather die than live for that.

I luv u dearly as a fren.....kekekekekeke, as long as we will go on a trip to Phuket next year or U buy me a return ticket to Melb. ^^

I am a workaholic but also a playaholic

I still have no money.

But I am so happy these few days as I am supposed to think of at least 3 projects.....coming to 4 after today's meeting. Someone is asking if I want to work with him in Shanghai......today. I feel so happy as I could use my brain actively & crazily. I guess I am a workaholic. I was depressed big time as no one was using my brain.

Yet, I also think - so if I got so much projects going on. How can I swim? Hang out? I want to do both......I realize time is so limited for someone like me....who wants to work and play all the time.

YET, I AM HAPPY HAPPY!!

Another fisherman

Talked to another fren who is a fisherman too. We find each other very intelligent. LOL

He opened few co doing pretty well, based on similar fisherman concept of living. YEAH! I am relieved, and now I have a good Monday.

Conclusion is that - we should encourage others more. Dont step on people. Dont make negative comment all the time. Make a joke to cheer someone that day, esp Monday.

Ranking

As I am glancing through my blog entry categories, I realize I have my own ranking.

Me of coz is always Number One. Then it's about people. Then, Movie. Then dogs.

Luv is really minimal, guess it suits me. I am not a very luving person, thou I am compassionate. I dont regard this as top priority of my life, thou in the past I used to think it was. I am constantly amazed at how life, experience has refined me to who I am now.

if you are talking about in luv, I feel I am so in luv with my dogs. Esp lottie now, she always luvingly gazes at me, like she couldnt keep her eyes off me. This kinda of luv constantly makes me smile & happy.

My First White Hair

I know it should be called Grey Hair but the one I found is indeed shinny white. Since I started dying my hair, I never found any white hair at all. I occasionally would ask my stylish if they could spot any at the roots, usually they always complimented my hair as dark rooted as anyone would wish. 

Now,

I got mine.

I totally disagree that if you think too much, you got your white hair. Though in some cases, if one is that stressed, not just their hair is compromised, everything inside or outside of their bodies would be compromised. I had 2 years of extreme stress & anxiety, I only found my 1st white hair - not a bunch of whities, so using me as an experiment, my point is valid. hehe

Mememto , Momento

Shit, I always said "mOmento".

Finally, I watched this, thanks to my dear friend Dion. He actually gave me the disc as he now only goes & gets himself blu-ray, hehehehee, to my benefits.

I watched few of Chris Nolan's movies lately, actually, I realized I watched most of his movies except Following & this. This one blew my mind the most. I really like that he's so dark and honest. This movie reminds me that. How many a time we want to lie to ourselves?!?! How often we all live in our own universe? Yet, not many dare to say they are not living in reality but their own fairy tale. O well, not for me to judge! :P

It's a constant effort to be honest. Just like in the moive, for Lenny, it's a constant effort to make him believe in his own lies too. It's a dual effect. U couldnt get it w/o another.

Human mind is so powerful. Some said, the collective conscience built the pyrimaid. I think it's so possible. Ar, sidetrack again.

Yawn, sleep now. Have a good week ahead everyone!!

KISSES!!

P.S. He actually "Gained major funding during the 1999 Hong Kong Film Festival by showing his film Following (1998) and then asking the audience to donate money to his next film Memento (2000).

BRAVO HongKIE, Bravo!

Lately,

Various friends or people have come to ask me to be involved in some projects. Guess, they know I am in desperate need for money. The fields are really scattered. Some are not even my expertise. 

As a fisherman, I take on everything. I think, to some, it may not be right in a business term. Yet, I am THE business. My brain is my business. I got nothing to offer but to sell my brain and time. What do I want in return? These are the main concerns for me.

I want enough salary to afford my livelihood. Buy food for my dogs and save some for their in-case of emergency such as desex, surgery, etc etc.....those cost alot. I need freedom. I dont want to go back to a job. Stability vs freedom. I want freedom. I NEED a holiday, which I didnt really have for maybe few years. But my holiday will no longer be purely holiday. As a fisherman, I will go around to search for fish. So it will always be work+holiday => if not I would feel upset. Business opportunity has already so gel-ed, so stuffed, so grown into my every thinking & my being. I become IT.

I am going through the poorest stage of my life, but I am at my most contented page. So, friends, dont worry I am not treating myself good. Actually I like it. I just want ti say it here, how life has evolved me. There's no right or wrong in this aspect if I am contented with it, rite?

Big Whale catcher or a fisherman

Was talking to a friend today, who has her business as well. It's always good to have talks with people like these, as I could get a chance to re-evaluate some of my thinkings. Well, she gave me some good suggestion, indeed. I am always blessed to have people who are selflessly sharing secrets with me.

It got me thinking. Some people work great as a whale catcher, while, some like me are good to be a fisherman. I dont have the skills, or I dont plan to learn the skills that well to be so focused at catching a big whale. I could say they work smart way, as all they need to do is seasonally spotting for a good whale.

While, for fisherman, yes we need to wait for the great season too, but we need to work the stupid way - cast the net, catch the fish, then categories various fishes into the right place. The profit margin is less, unlike the whale catcher, really. I believe higher profits should go to people who are so focused.

I thought about it. Could I be like that? Really, I know myself I cant. Id rather be a fisherman. I really want to see if one day I could catch a fish with a golden spoon in its mouth or not, or if it's so rare I wouldnt need to work for the rest of my life coz of its fish. Guess, 1. I am living in my own universe, 2. I believe in miracle, 3. I am a gambler.

I am bored.

I rarely go on FB much nowadays. 

People keep sometimes (to me once a year is not bearable too) posting how you choose a woman, or what qualities you should be looking for in a man, or how worse HKprincess syndrome is................it's so CLICHE, so BORING......can they come up with something new or more original? Like, they make a list of what they think, instead of posting other pple's work?

Then, I deleted many women esp from my FB because they posted their kids pic up EVERY OTHER DAY, if not everyday. DO U KNOW THAT YOUR BABY ISNT REALLY THAT CUTE?!?! I am not referring to some of you who have a family & kids, as seriously you actually dont post pictures up of your kids enough as far as I am concerned.

Then, there are some who keep whinning.........I am moody, I am emotional, I am sad. Why they just get moody everyday & talk about it? I am moody daily too, seriously. I really wish they all had my share of bad luck - guess they wouldnt say they were moody, they would ONLY talk about how to KILL THEMSELVES the best ways!

Then, lets not leave the political correct people. Dont want to comment them, as I am always political neutral or political incorrect.

So Blessed!

I feel so blessed again & again with good friends & +ve thinking.

I dont pity you becoz you are OLD.

Seriously.

I dont believe in age thing. Sometimes, when me & my frenz talk, we talk about how unmotivated or "stupid" the just-outta Uni people are. However, actually I never entirely agree with that. This is how we say it as adults. As I clearly recalled, my parents, my aunts, anyone who are like 20-30 years older than me said the same thing - my gen sucks. SO Now I am complaining about next gen? Well....we adults r so silly!!!! I think only part of it is true, not all.

OK back to my topic.

I am sometimes disappointed with the elderly. I dont get it why some govt or co should keep people like these - procasinating, lazy, not upto date..........Dont throw tomatoes to me. Listen to my below cases first!!!

Scenario 1:
I went to Vic Park to swim one day - it was raining dog shits. So I casually asked the MANY old ladies inside if the above resturant was open. They said, I DONT KNOW. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! You work there and you know NOTHING. Then, one night maybe around 9ish, they were so desperate to "FLUSH" the floor - they became so impolite - WAI WAI, DONT CHANGE HERE. WE FLUSH NOW. HEY, flush after 10 la when the pool is closed. Why yell at us getting us out of your way!!????????? You know, there are so many of them, actually basically DOING nothing, just sitting around chatting. That's how WE FLUSH OUR TAX DOLLARS.

Shouldnt they be happy they got a job for so long?!?! THEY SHOULD BE FIRED if I WOULD BE THE MGT!

Scenario 2:
I went to take my laundry just now, but I forgot my receipt. I saw the elderly lady looking concern. of coz I was apologetic. I thought to myself that she must be concerned if there would be a chance that the bags got mixed up.

No No No, babies....No No No.

She was ONLY concerning that there were more work, as she needed to fill in a book and let me sign. Basically, I just took her pen and filled up everything.

Conclusion, I wont pity elderly or respect them, if they dont respect themselves. And no wonder some young gen are behaving like how they are behaving now. It's simple. They got such parents. Dont just blame on the young gen anymore.............coz we were once them, If we could help influence them to be better, do it, as one day they would be raising another batch of young gen.

I am indeed worried for our future, not just HK but the world.

I am Happy!

OK! My boobs is doing fine, thou I would love them to be slightly smaller.......I dont get it why so many pple r trying to get bigger boobs! WAHAHAHA.....................

Around 1.5 mth exercise & being careful with my diet, I finally found some pictures that I dont have gigantic fat face.....ie great. I am happy!!!! Sometimes, hardwork does pay off !!!!! I WILL CONTINUE....FIGHT HARDER!!!

And it's great catching up with frenz. We used to hang out every 2 weeks. Now, few times a year if we got lucky. So I am glad we did all go. Of coz, it has been sized down. It would be like 10-20 people at any one time couple of years ago. People left. Pple got separated (like me & ex), but it's all good that the good ones stay behind!

Honestly, I am not into pub scene anymore. We all felt sleepy after an hr. We found music boring. Ar, getting old? I wudnt think so, thou, I must say we have our own priorities now. For me, my dogs r my priorities. My sis kids are mine too. Id rather spend time with them doing nothing - feel so contented. Also, spending time with people that deserve your presence is important as well.

Anyhow, it was a good weekend. I feel happy.

CALMNESS

My fate is somewhat going to be determinded by a conf call by a bunch of europeans. Isnt it cool????

Shit, I should be shitting myself freaking out now. But I am very calm like hte silent Space. I guess my last 2 years of training and many years training my EQ (from -ve EQ) from my neurotic, suspicious bossesssssss..........I learnt my lesson. The only way to combat this fear is to ignore it. Find more things to do. Ie why I have been sending out many many emails on proposing business co-operation.

What if it's bad news? Honestly, I will be happy too, as this gives me a direction. Finally, I can let go completely. Feel suck for sure. But I have done my best. I will work on something else. It's like a bad relationship. Getting out or staying put. It's never an easy way out. If someones makes the move, sometimes inside we are happy despite we may feel remorse toward them at the same time. Bittersweet is the sweetest of all.

If it's good news. Whoever is reading it, I will buy a drink when I see you! :)

Live in fairy tale

I like fairy tales, like Little Mermaid. Not snow white thou. I even believe in fairies. Of coz, you know I believe in other intelligent beings too.

I realize today that I am so stubborn or so living in my own universe, I so wanted to ignore the reality. Anyhow, I make up my mind I will do something now. Maybe bow to the reality. 

My fairy tale or universe never consists of White Knight saving me from the top floor of a castle. My mind, I have always been stuck in a pit suffocating since I was 18. My universe consists of happiness, real enjoyment of freedom, free thinkings, free of judgement, free to be me, you, them. I am not looking for a Utopia. I dont believe in paradise or free of troubles. On the contrary, I believe only via experiencing life & challenges make one being able to be free.

I hope this is the final training of the supreme being for me for the next 20-30 years. I am outta wit. Outta energy to fight, to stay positive, to be ah Q. I just want to be ME to believe in the goodness of things, faith in better Me-tomorrow.

MERRY XMAS!!!!

My friend Leo just wished us MERRY XMAS FOUR months in advance. I WANT TO WISH U ALL HERE - MERRY XMAS in ADVANCE too!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always love Xmas, since I came back to HK. But last few years I didnt find my Xmas very magical. Somehow this year, esp thanks to Leo's reminder, I am feeling the magic again. I like Xmas as it's supposed to be a season of FUN FUN FUN. not of the gifts or snow.

Wishing U a magical pre Xmas months!!!!!

sorry

I kinda went through last 2 week entries. MAN, I have been pissed. And agitated. Sorry for all the negativity. But well, the truth is I am waiting for a news, which makes me so agitated. Actually, was waiting for two news, one was good news. I hope the other one that makes me so agitated is good news too. I wasnt planning to talk about it, as I realize the more I talk about a positive thing or hope for the good things - they never come. It's so against the law of attraction or book of secrets. Anyhow...........I just briefly mention it here without details, due to these reasons. I am holding all the anger and expectation in......actually.

No need to encourage me. Just secretly pray for me. :) 

THANKS MY FRENS WHO HAVE BEEN READING ME HERE.......^^

Politically Correct?

I dont understand why I cant be politically incorrect?

I am a racist, so what!? But I dont go against all races. I have my share of experience with some in that race then make my decision why I dont like them in general. But I am an extreme person. I dont like that race, dont mean I cant like one particular person of that race.

Why do we have to be politically correct all the time? I am sometimes politically neutral, as I got no preference but when I choose to be politically incorrect, I dont think people should correct me when I dont correct them.

I have other things which may sound politically incorrect. Racist is just one of them. I am racist against 2 races only, but after the hostage siege last nite, it may bump upto three. I hvnt made up my mind yet.

In short, I want to say something to praise myself. haha.....above is just an intro. When I was studying in Aus, I was trying to be a good person and also a good representative of a Hongkie. I did get various compliment from various nationalities saying that becoz they ve known me they ve changed their views on Hongkies. However, I hv met many various different nationalities that not only they never try to be a good citizen, they never even try to be a nice person. So in one sentence, they deserve my despise. :)

This is just me, being so politically incorrect of being racist and a show-off person. :D

Another Horrible News of HK

I am sure you are feeling really angry & sad for the hostages that were kept at a tour bus in Manila last night. WHo knows! It's their last day of the trip. It was meant to be? It was fate?

I say it was SHIT.

Honestly, I have never been fond of philippinos. One of them even not just seduced my late grand-dad, I believe she even took his money. Anyways, men frail, fial at old age, no big biggie. Now, I will dislike them more. I know it's super childish, but this is what I have to do.

I hope the families and people who stay alive keep strong, though honestly who can? Easy to say it, isnt it? I put myself in their shoes - it's just impossible. I just hope they allow themselves time to heal.

My Memory Sucks!!!

Do you sometimes feel like you mix up the memories of where you meet certain people? This always happened to me. When I first came back to HK, I walked on the street - I saw faces or people or friends who greeted me..............I got confused if I knew them from HK? S'pore? Melbourne? KL? China? Or even some travellers I bumped into during the trips to Cambodia or Laos. Or they are just friends of my other friends.

Yesterday, I heard a bad news. Someone I was supposed to know in Australia passed away. He should be very young. But I got no recollection of who this person is? Am I seriously a bitch? I wasnt, actually, when I was in OZ. I was very gullible, naive, thou complicated & deep thinker - yet maybe instrinsically I am a bitch. How could I not remember someone whom I might have seen every week in a church fellowship & he used to hang out with my friend's ex - and my fren & ex were always hanging out with me!!??

Maybe, I could indeed let go of past memory. I used to be very good at remembering every detail of my memory - I saw it as a duty to remember, to be precise. However, I realized it's actually a bad thing - so I started deleting details. Well, of coz I would remember important details.

After 10 years back in HK, I have become less confused. But now, another problem surfaces - Oh, I met this person from this friend or that friend or at a party or at another networking meeting? Man, I am not paid to remember people's faces and I am bad with names. Very bad. I need to see the name written down to indeed remember. So, if you introduce me to your frenz, I would surely make them very happy but pls ask them not to ask me what's their name, as I am 99.9% sure - I WONT REMEMBER.

Shutter Island

I didnt sleep as I got morning meeting.....I was afraid I couldnt get up. Anyways, as some may know, my lack of sleep does sometimes spark crazy creativity and bad spelling. Shit, I shud have studied advertising or something - those pple dont sleep and they are bad in vocab.

Anyways, I watched Shutter Island. To my amazement, it's pretty damn good. I never liked "prison" drama so I never watched Prison Break. I wasnt fond of Leonardo, thou I would go to see most of his films. This one - his performance was fantastic. He got the neurotic look going on. 

And the suspense was very well done. Some parts of the "dreaming" or "Hallucination" scenes were shot really great. I thought to myself, it must be done by a great director.....oh yea, By Martin Scorsese. Man, he's 68 yo but he still got alotta projects going on!!! 

Sometimes, it's great to see a movie because you know which director is in it. Like this case, it would be great to have no idea like me. As I am not fond of this Martin.....I glanced through the movies he directed, didnt like. Esp, I so digusted by The Departed, which I fell asleep half way, which is something I rarely do. He so didnt get the concept of Infernal Affairs - he & the cast did suck jobs in there. Sorry, I like the HK version too much!!!

Do grab a dvd. Worth your time.

I hate chinese thinking 2

Same as the other one beginning, I am not exactly sure about if chinese tend to do it more, but then it kinda instills in chinese minds. Never praise someone. By saying something negative "constructive criticism" make someone grow.

I hate my parents and my whole family for that. All I could remember about them is nothing constructive but destructive. I love them, too. Actually more like pity love. How sad sometimes for so many folks who are not qualified to be parents in this modern world to be parents. And they were parents of five, plus with another 10 dogs and other freaking animals - I had a crocodile before.

Well, yes, I already let it go. Many people would say "suen la" (aka never mind, let it go). I do. But honestly, I am just being honest here. What's wrong with being truthful and honest? Not that I am going to revenge.

Pls dont misunderstand I am not proud of being chinese. Actually, I am very much. I dont want to be of any other nationality actually. But the fact is, many chinese in HK are so old-schooled, so outdated, so boring, so shitty dead zombie-like - but then pointing fingers at people like me who dare to be different, or who try to be different. WHY WHY WHY??? People like to step on others? Is it the other way to survive???

I forbid my mom telling my sis kids any negative words such as ":not smart enough" "stupid" "Slow"..................as best as I can. I am just so frustrated sometimes, if you know what I mean. How hard it is to get rid of the negative words out of your mind from your loved ones. The outside people only add on more coals, which are not the origin.

Anyways, pls I beg of you. Say something nice to your spouse, your friends. Dont u think that I dont know my weakness? Why stress on it when I already know? Your family, your kids, your friends, your staff - THEY KNOW (most likely anyways) - even they dont know, I believe being a simple minded person is god-sent-gift!

Thanks to 3 very important people at various stages in my life, they were the ones who just speak of kind comment honestly - I know they see my weakness too, but they know I know my weakness too.

1. My high school teacher Mr Pong - he told me I was a potential child. I could achieve great things.

2. My room-mate Ellie - who reinforce my confidence in believing I was indeed a cool & creative person. keke

3. My best friend Leo - who speaks kindly to me and has been encouraging to my every move.

Not that I need to hear something positive all the time. I am saying, dont speak negatively all the time.

Guess what! I bet many people misunderstand my meaning already. haha

Sorry, this week is an anger week. I am kinda venting them all out.

I hate some old chinese thinking

I cant honestly say whatever I am going to say is purely chinese thinking....maybe it's general earth people thinking. But well, to me, it seems more fucking chinese MEN (esp) speaks to me like these. I want to tell them, DIL NEI LO MO!

Are you sure you want to get married, as you know, you are going to be 40 soon?!

HUH!?!? For one, I am not thinking much about GETTING MARRIED AGAIN. And do you think all women ONLY goal is to get married????????????????????????????????????????? DIU!

When I tell them I am not actually thinking much about getting married, honestly, they start to get offended by further saying..........

Forget finding one.

I think old traditional chinese men, they are all so fucking idiotic. Is it a problem being a tough woman who is hitting menopause in another 10-15 years? I dont see myself begging to get a man - my goal in life isnt to get married, have kids. My goal, on the contrary to them, is to influence the world. Why chinese have to put everything in such negative tones????????? Is it so edifying for them to feel they could step on people?

Lastly, whatever people or even friends comment on me. I know my universe and my nature. This is something I gotta stress. I dont buy into fate. I buy into faith in goodness. Whatever you say negatively about me, I dont really care. And dont give me the "constructive crisitsm' crab. But pls look into yourself first. Have I commented you negatively? Why some people just want to dig through nothingness to stress a tiny character hiccup, people have to amplify it. But pls, dont you think you got issues too? Have I non-stop surfacing them? 

I am hating some people more.

Finally, I managed to cry.....

As a child, till adolescence till come-of-age, I always loved to cry. I was a crying baby.

These 2 years, it was so difficult for me to cry. I wanted to, but I couldnt.

Tonite, after hearing something, I couldnt control my tears, I cried for hours........................

I think it's great finally I managed to cry. I was just fulfilling my purpose - to cry. It's so good to really cry, unstoppably cry..........anyways, I just want to tell u, I am feeling so good now, becoz

I had a good cry!

After 3 months

After 3 months of a new addition of canine - Lottie - into my life, I struggled for the first two months. As her character is abit like Shadow - NAUGHTY & CRAZY (also just like me)!! I at first cried because I couldnt understand why all my dogs, the two of them, were so handful and chaotic creative. I felt exhausted every second just looking at both of them, messing up my every inch of home.

Lottie (aka Lor Lor)

But now, I am starting to enjoy both of their presence. With shadow alone, it was great, afterall we have been together for like 10 years. Now, even Shadow is adjusting to the new addition Lottie. They never fight, it's a good thing. They both sleep peacefully with me, and need to be around me all the time. Life....without them would be so empty & less smile..

Shadow (aka Shadow BB)

I love them so so much!!!!

My high Heel days r coming......

I went jogging abit tonite. I only jogged like maybe 3 times few weeks ago, then I just go swimming instead. But tonite, I wanted to test my stamina if it had any improvement.......IT DID!!!!! I only needed to stop twice for my targetted track, while before it would be like 4-5 stops. My target by end Aug, I could do one whole round w/o stopping.......

I find that swimming is harder to stretch. While for my jogging, since I am so afraid I would hurt myself, I keep doing alotta streching......but anyhow my left knee usually had some pain or discomfort if I walked on stairs or jog, but tonite it was totally fine.

I am really excited to see my high heel days coming back soon. I promise you, by Oct, you will see a perfect Dawn with beaming skin & smile. ^^

arrr......I am OLD

Shit, was looking at myself at my friend's album - well, we went to this private cooking thingie, supervised by a 5 star chef at Sogo Club (it was super fun) - I looked so freaking old. Like my mom. Shit, my mom looks younger than me. I really need to start taking care of my skin & my appearance........I couldnt let these 2 years shit life wear onb my face any fucking longer.

Pewh, thanks for listening!!!

On educating Kids

I dont have kids and I am not planning to. Unless one fine day, I am wealthy & married, I want to adopt kids instead. I want 3 kids - african baby, Beijing baby and a russian baby. Hoho......but nah, I prefer to be god-mothers for all my friends' kids. :P

But I know quite abit about kid education as I am involved in tutoring my sister's kids-Uma & Morris They are handful, as they were born with Lok's blood. Lok's blood I believe is cursed. Anyways.

It's really difficult to train HK kids so to speak, esp the standard & mentality of school teachers are not upto standard at all. I doubt many of them have a vision to create a better world. I once wanted to be a teacher, as I always have till now still this mentality to change the world. What if I couldnt do it myself, I could actually influence the kids......hohohoh! Anyways, we cant blame the teachers too much either, as they were never influenced before.

One thing I disgust with the school education in HK is that everything the teachers say is right! I try to instill a training to my sis kids that they can actually challenge whatever I say - of coz they wouldnt do so, as really how dare them to challenge a teacher. I am trying.......no one is absolutely right, this is my message! Why they got this idea they need to be 100% obedient? It must be from parents & teachers. Sigh! I doubt I could influence both of them to have a vision to change the world. They are not of that degree of calibre, though I am still putting a slight hope on the younger boy Morris.

Really, if you never make mistakes, how well do you know what's right or wrong. But, HK parents & school will never allow kids to make mistakes. Such a depressing thing.

I hope one day if you have a kid, give them good insights, train them to be a visionary individual, allow them to make mistakes. Dont just throw the words - U r so stupid! (I live with this phrase all my life - of coz purely from my family. Honestly, since I was 3, I always felt I was different and they are the just abunch of idiots - roaming around aimlessly, stupidly, sheepishly)

Yes I remember there was something once a teacher put it - chinese always say to their family : BE careful. Or Bring an umbrella. OR You should have brought a jacket, see now U got a cold.  Chinese always say - you should have, you should have.....................While, the west would say: Have fun! (though I am now a grown-up, the above events are not entirely true - but the gizt of it is true). Just being stay-put vs trying spirits.

I am so not putting down chinese. Actually east philosophy is so darn good - e.g. patience. Patience means giving it time. But if giving it time without trying - then it becomes stale. While, trying without giving it time, it becomes a crushed peanut. (zeal without knowledge is heading to hell too) Yes I am trying to instill a East/West fusion to my sis kids. I hope I succeed. It's really tough when you are trying to fight against the whole universe.

Arrr...................enough of kids talk. Had lunch yet? ^^

A new view on Depression

Well, this is like a cancerous word to many. O, you are depressed, you should see a DOCTOR and get a prescription! Lets look at it in a new better way.

If the form of depression handicaps your every move - well, yes maybe you need some help. But I believe it has a grace period for it. I went through depression stages at various degree. Actually I went to see psychiatrist, doctor or councellor at various states, but to my amaze, I find them "useless" and actually they could very well be more depressed than me. No one asked me to go, but I went there for help. Honestly, seeing people more depressed make me cure........abit nuts of myself here. However, it goes down to how much you are HONEST with yourself too. 

We adore lying to ourselves.

I believe my depression started when I was trying to be honest with myself. I  saw (around 16-18 yo) it as the pivot of being a true human and the ultimate suvivial kit. That of coz as you would know had come with a price. Depression was just a side product of seeing the true side of yourself - the ugliness of hearts, even when I was a teen. By the time I looked around the world, the world was filled with filth, dust, shits, rubbish and many satans - then I was collapsed into a pit, I hid there for months. I even experienced a borderline nervous breakdown moment - it was a trance state and they gave you a choice. Everything is about choice. Of coz I chose to NOT go down - even I knew going down that path wouldnt make me suffer as much, and might very well make me very happy (if I never attempt "cure").

Why I am talking about depression?

As I blogged here couples of days ago, I talked about writing a book. And I am now really trying to scribble down the core concept. It's very very hard to construct. -while building a  complcated concept, and then insert my own dream-sets into the book. Then, I suddenly remember and maybe I should say I praise about my 18-year-ago depression. I wish I could find back all my entries then. They were all really original thoughts - I never studied any philosopher or psychogists theories ever before. Honestly, I always thought my thoughts were so much better & powerful - NOT bragging here. I believe my old entries could give me very good insights on my existing struggling concept.

Then, I realize.......

Depression is actually a good tool to tap into your untapped brain or even your heart!! As some of us discussed before, when we are "moody" or "depressed", we tend to write more because we feel more. We wont usually talk to our hearts, asking how we feel today! But when you are hit with some moodiness/depression, you would really try to ask your heart what the heck is happening. Right? Bet most should have gone through these but whether in such a talking mode with onself is upto different individual.

Only compassion & depression could be a bridge to get to your heart, my current belief.

Anyhows, I am not really in that "depression" state anymore so I rely heavily on research. I am still trying to tap into my brain to create the concept. My old me could have done it so easily as she was so connected with herself. Ummm, I hope sometimes soon I could find not only compassion or depression could tap into the core being, some other emotion could too.

So in short, more controlled depression isnt a bad thing afterall. Sometimes we can embrace it with thanks since it sparks us inspiration.

Note: oh yes, there's another form of depression - I would call it self-pity depression. It's very common amongst us. They feel deprived, so they get depressed, later turn into anger. I always dont get it why some would get angry when they wouldnt have as many toys as other kids when they were young. I agree, they should get depressed too due to their stupidity & uselessness!

Inception

Actually I saw few DVD & movie but these 2 weeks I am not really in the mood  of saying much. But want to drop a note regarding Inception.

First off, I luv Chris Nolan. He's so dark so I like...I like it very much. I like dark-mattered mind. This Inception movie, I can say is indeed interesting but as for me it's not mind-blowing enough. 

Leonard Dicarpio is a great actor. I have seen few of his movies, but I think they picked the wrong lead actor for this one. I guess when you have to discuss a deep concept, you need somewhat a more intellectual with action flavour actor - though I cant suggest another one yet. So maybe ie why he was picked....haha. 

Ellen Page as the dream set designer to me is even more unconvincing. She looks non-smart, non-creative. She doesnt have the spark of making something complex.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Artur (Leonardo's assistant in the movie) is a superb actor too. He was the lead in 500 days of Summer. I must say he stole alotta screen time from Leonardo. Honestly, I didnt like him as an Arthur too, just dont feel the chemistry between Leonardo & him.

I am not Chris Nolan's brain so I am not exactly sure about the real plot. But from what I have seen, it's not something very complex. Though the concept is complex. Ie why I am starting to read this mutual dreaming research. It has alot to deal with the untapped brain, which is something I am deeply intrigued with.

But still, I highly recommend this movie. At least, let us think alittle....it's not really a movie that easy-go-funny style. Though it's not really that difficult to get it either. After the movies, I overheard many couple's conversation "wow, so deep, so complicated, I dont understand" - it's just because not many directors dare to make a movie that make people - stop/pause and think. Of coz, Chris Nolan has the advantage of getting big budget to hire in-stars. O well, hence HIGH FIVE to this movie - HK people should go to theater for this one!

I am starting on a new thing...

Well, actually it's inspired by a dream. I am starting to write a book! It's a sci-fi based, as most dreams I could remember vividly are pretty sci-fi. Now, the more I ponder over it, the more I realize most of these dreams have something to do with water and end-time. Water dripping by a slope, hurricane water monsters, underwater training....................I am going to devote my time to combine all these dreams into a sci-fi book. Of coz, my ultimate wish since very young was to make a movie.

Wow, hope I could be brave enough one day to show it here for all of you guyz.

6 Aug

I believe in fairness & unfairness of the world. Humans are never fair. The universe is always fair.

That's why I am never jealous of what people have - money, power, fame, even beauty. Those that constantly nagging & having a sense of deprivation. I just so dont get why people always complain of what they dont have, or why other people's parents are rich to make these pple something, while they dont have rich folks, or why they have no umbrellas while raining. HEY let the rain drop on you wont kill you, I want to tell these people. Why not think of - wow, it's good I wear a black top instead of a white top in the midst of dogshit raining?

Recent case of Amina Mariam has aroused some fever anger within some Hong Kong people. It's not to me about rich & famous, though it surely is something of a substance about this case. I understand & accept about unfair treatment towards rich & powerful. It's not even new news. However, this case to us is borderline  corruption. Honestly, if she looks prettier or hotter, I wouldn have let it go. hahahaah. Yet, with the modern technology, everything she did was captured. Come on, judge, you think we would let this go. It just aroused more anger with that stupid sentences - allowing her to head to US for some psychology retreat? Might as well, tell us all, she has been sent to Bali for a tan!!?? How come people could be so stupid? I meant the judge.

I do not see the point of arguing justice, as within law, there's no real justice (with my limited knowledge of law)...:P And there's no righteous politics as within the boundary of politics, it's only greed for power. My father taught me this. I so believe & abide in it. I sometimes wish I could be even more dark, less emotional driven - I believe I could very well be a cult leader (as my roomate once said).

To me, I am going to protest on 15 Aug, not coz I want justice. But more, coz how can an educated non-hot non-pretty bitch got away with this. She deserves some jail time. Not 10 years la......even 10 weeks will bring a smile to my face!

2009 till now

2009 was bombful. 

2010 is dreadful.

I think those who have known me for over 3 years would know I am a very different Dawn compared to maybe lets say when I was in 2003. I was constantly at war with my emotion. My EQ was always the worst one. My AQ though was pretty good, considering I was the project manager at one stage.

Now, I find myself so patient. So quiet in my ambitions. High in EQ. AQ not sure yet as not yet tested for some time. But I cant deny, I am somewhat abit exhausted, abit tired with all the challenges I gotta face these 2 years. I know everyone has problems, but for me, I was more or less alone facing all kinds of trials, which some are very difficult to tell or confide with anyone. Thou, I tried my best to record the end result "happiness" "sadness" "suicidal tendency" "depression" here, I today feel tired. But still hopeful. Anyways, one thing that never changes is I am extremely extreme person. From star sign or palm reading to personality analysis to even Enneagram................................

I believe, strongly believe, I wont die now. There's no way I can die now. I need to press on. I seriously want to show the world how someone like me could stand up again...............alone. 

I hope I will be rich very soon, so I can grant all those who have supported me unconditionally  & selflessly a grand trip. hahaa, this is one of my goals, actually. Anyways, I feel good to say this, even though it seems so far away (not really.....just abit of time & luck). 

Anyhow, with all the happening in my family & my business as of today, I feel tired but I am going for a swim in half an hour. I dont want to lose the momentum of doing something ever again. Depression is one that destroys ones motivation & most of all the momentum. I luv this word "momentum" alot. Anyhows, thanks for reading........:)

More "leftover" Women than MEN

http://hk.dv.nextmedia.com/template/dv_channel/index.php?fuseaction=dv15.player&mode=section&id=all&range=d&dv_iss=20100730&sec_id=4104&art_id=14293438&av_id=14293763

It's such a boring news but again it says there are more LEFTOVER women than men!

What does it imply? 18K men go to China to get married - coz we women are more educated?! Another debate.

But this kinda news threatens women. I dont like it. So more women just pick anyone to get married. All I see is vicious cycle. Anyhows.

In my next life, if I have a choice, I still want to become a woman. As in the view of progress, development & vision-forward, I see women going to rule the world soon (hey, I didnt say this. My ex ex ex said that!!! I always find him to be one of the most intelligent in HK......hahahahahah)

Sometimes I just dont get it..............

Two people, who have gone through hardship. Flip when there's money involved. It's surely not NEW news. But then, when a good person suddenly becomes a monster, I really, say I am so naive, innocent.......I really cant take it, esp they are your closed ones.

I want to say more, but the horror is too near to describe. I cant describe it. I dont understand the psyche, usually I am pretty good at quieting knowing one's intention of one's behaviour. But this one is abit out of reach. I get why some want to have it all. I just dont get how a kind and good person maybe in his "previous" life (era), could say certain things, act certain ways - becoming a monster that you would only watch it on TV (usually you would laugh - impossible for such beings exist!)

Anyways..................if you pray, pls pray for my family. No specific points, but just safety to us ALL.

Me & My Victoria Park

I remember, when I was very very little, I went there to swim. My uncle took me. I went to a gent's toilet to get changed, I remember.

I remember, I almost got drown there, despite no adult actually could remember it.

I remember, I was told about the Queen Victoria's staue which could walk at night, when I was very  little. That freaked me out, till now, actually.

I remember, I played the long-lost-now-found drama with my sister there when I was little, as I always felt I wasnt my parents' kid.

I remember, I got very exicted to learn I could go there everytime my aunt suggested. Becoz, I rarely went anywhere.

I remember, every mid-autum festival, my parents & aunt & uncle would take us to that little green pasture (big in HK) to play candels. My uncle made a gigantic rabbbit - we would always be so proud taking the candled rabbit roaming around the whole park, just to really show off.

I remember, I went to the park alot with my classmates. We took pictures. I had long hair.

I remember, I often went there to play squash & tennis with my F.3 friend. Now, I no longer........

I remember alot.....somehow, somewhere, you will always bypass there. Now, alot has changed. Really. But I am back there now 2 to 3 times a week. I am luving that old swimming pool. I luv their changing room. I just realize I really luv it there (not on any Sunday though). Many memories lost but some left. Still good, after so many years! :D

The match-making scene in HK

Was talking to some galz & some guyz regarding the match-making scenes in HK. I believe most of you are already attached, married, divorced or even dating few dudes or chicks!! hoho.......

Do you know that there are age limit for everything?

1. If you want to apply for a working holiday in asutralia, sorry miss, U r over 30! You are not ELIGIBLE! "shit, does it mean I must be so successful in my job that I dont need one in AUS?? or  I must be having no interest to have a "WORKING HOLIDAY", or I am just too old to be competitive!!??"

2. Speed-dating. Galz, if U r turning 33 this year, then quick, go join as many as possible. WHAT THE FUCK!!?? I gotta pay few hundred to thousand of dollars just to attend such whirldating thing, allowing me few mins with each person. WHAT"S fucking MORE - the guyz are usually bald & SHORT!!!!!

(I never been to one as I am too OLD or too GOOD/HOT for that.....whatever it's a truth!)

3. I wasnt aware there were indeed match-making service in HK, still......:P And the fact is you have to pay few thousands dollars to get, lets say roughly 3 dates. 

WAKE UP!!! 

So I "argued" with some guyz N some galz - which kind of men who could pay thousand of dollars, have a decent job, look OK, financially stable, a gentlemen, mid 30-mid 40 --require such a service to find a woman?? 3 dates? Men are very practical. 3 dates??? To them (the good ones) - I would suggest them to find an escort! 

Honestly, my views. It's an inevitable fact that everyone is getting old. Very much depending which year you were born in, post 80? post 90? So? Many times, we allow the world to make us suffer, very much likely so, where you were young, you mocked at the pre-50, pre-60 - now it's your turn. Hey, ligthen up. U could stay hot, there are plastic surgery, botox, laser, etc etc.........................

A True Rat Story

I was born in the year of Rat. 

When I was born, my parents were renting a room just above our store. According to their recollection, there was a rat infestation when I got home from the hospital. It made me think I must be a rat queen in previous life. After staying there for few years, we moved to our existing old chinese bldg. Yes, there was rat infestation too. I was always home alone, in regardless how old I was. I saw them running around between the shelves & my great grandmom's room. Until now, I hate those aluminum shelves. Dont get it why the fuck they gotta be there. Anyhow, I always screamed to the rats - they would stop for a minute then kept running again. Honestly, now I am not sure if they really existed or it was my imagination. Also, with that so many rats, how come we still have our big toes. Dont they like kids toes? Should they be already eaten off by those huge rats, vicariously running around?

Ok for long intro. The true rat story comes.

2 years ago, I moved to GZ to start on a new position that was specially created for me. I dont get it why bosses like to create a title for me. I am not that good anyways. I rented a hotel-managed apartment, totally new & cheap as well. It was on 26th floor. Basically, I felt pretty safe there as I assume there should be no insects, no rats, no thieves, no even human - as the occupancy wasnt full at the time I moved in.

I brought quite abit of stuff from HK, clothes, food, instand noodles, etc. Inside the flat, there were quite a few built-in compartments, so in order to feel I was occupying the whole place, I put a bit of things in every compartment. I noticed a strange opening (man-made) at the kitchen cupboard. That opening was connected to the ceiling (the central air-con) to the kitchen shelf. I wasnt really paying much concern there, so I put a korean spicy cup noodle - Shin into the top compartment - it is a wrong compartment to put a SHIN noodle. I got no clue why I put it there.

Few weeks later, my friend & my ex came to GZ to visit me, so they stayed in my place. And I think my friend wasnt feeling well, so I was looking around for panadol, hence opening the SHIN compartment. I saw my SHIN cup noodle was ripped open. The SHIN spicy flavour sachet was also ripped open. I WAS SHOCKED and moved a step back. And whe  I came to my senses, I realized it must be rats doing. That's the only explanation. I freaked. I seriously freaked. I dont even remember how helpless I felt, despite my ex was there. As usual, he made some stupid comments which I flared. I flared. 

As a personality, many say I am a bitch, or arrogant, or tough/strong, whatever. But actually I am very ah Q.

I saw it as a lucky sign to realize it with people around me, despite their stupidity & uselessness to a situation. I of coz went to the front desk to get them DO SOMETHING! But basically, they gave me more stupid answers or catching-the-rat method, which to my horror, basically I stumped, I freaked, I screamed in front of the front desk. As they recommended me to use a rat sticker. My friends, to those who are reading this, DONT USE STICKER. You'd rather a rat eat your toe then using a sticker to catch the rat. Now I want to puke.

As a logical person & crime solver lover, I started going through everything inside the flat to see if the rat did do some damages on my everything, or if they hid somewhere. And, I deliberately put all the plastic bags I had around the flat, just to make sure I would be alarmed if something stepped on it, be it a ghost or a rat! I realized there was nothing, no rats in my flat. How Come?!?!?! There were more food, delicacies just right under the SHIN compartment. I just couldnt get it. 

After weeks of waiting for a rat to jump to my bed at night - it's my imaginery horror story. I concluded that there was no rats in my flat, but what happened to the SHIN cup noodle. The truth is I couldnt give you a correct answer, except. If you indeed want to fight off rats, put SHIN noodles around your house! I believe rats dislike spicy food. They wouldnt be able to take the SHIN spicy powder. Ie my only conclusion.

When I was packing & planning to move out from the flat, I was even more sure that the rat was coming via the central air-con. I saw their trails above my wardrobe, which was separated by a glass. I am glad I was so ignorant to realize it on the last day. Ignorance is a bliss.

Finally.....

Trying 2 weeks of exercise, like swimming, jogging, boxing. I finally could sleep before the DAWN. I really couldnt get it before why people could feel so exhausted to a point of hitting the sack rite away after exercise. I think I got a good taste of it after my boxing session last nite. Honestly, I was kind of slacking yesterday while doing it. Basically the coaches were almost to a point of ignoring me as I was like a brat not wanting to do anything, esp with my slow, unco-ordinated punching. But while they were ignoring me, I was punching my own way - it was kinda of relaxing. I hate coaches. Anyhow. I think I bottle up too much anger within for everything, for everyone. While I was punching, I felt like I was killing some people, some events, some moments. But I was too tired & unco-ordinated to punch further. So next Tue, I am going to punch some more, just to kill off more people, more events, more moments.

SHITTY HK news!!!!!!

I browse movies! TV!
But I also like to read things that are paranormal - UFO, ET.

OK, I read from yahoo news today (TODAY!!!) regarding a UFO sighting in early 8th JULY in China, IN CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. People were already posting thread about this all over in US..........shit, HK is just a arm-length away from our motherland. How on earth, newspaper reported it ONLY now!!?? I know HK is generally culturally/intellectually numb, BUT it's UFO - doesnt it deserve abit more ATTENTION?


STUPID Hongkie! Including me!

(C) http://hk.news.yahoo.com/article/100725/4/jcdo.html
(E) http://en.ce.cn/National/Local/201007/08/t20100708_21593914.shtml
(E) http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5572398/china_reverses_itself_on_ufo_that_disrupted.html?cat=15
(E) http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread591466/pg1

Compelled by Ben Whishaw

Honestly, I wanted to use the title, "raping Ben Whishaw" as literally I watched his three movies in a row. 

I luv his portryal as Grenouille in Perfume - the story of a murderer. It's just magnificient for an actor being given so little of script but highly rely on his body language to play a murderer. Anyhow, just captivating.

While, his roles in Brideshead Revisited & Bright Star - he's the only thing that worth notice. Unlike other movie stars, he has that kind of awe radiating during each scene - you dont even feel like he's acting. These 3 movies - each is of very different character, yet he could carry it with such a grace & sensation in all three of them.

What's more, he literally made me want to read all THREE Novels. And I am digging into Perfume by Partick Suskind (Germany) now fervently! And doing some research on John Keats - I somehow suddenly want to read poems too.