Tears & Blood and I am no idiot

Chinese saying goes, there's blood in every penny we made. OK, usually quoted by older generation. 

At this hour, I feel the same. Just for making that amount - not even enough for me to buy one side of the boots, I feel - there's blood oozed out everywhere. Whereas for tears, I think - I am way better than most people....so I shudnt cry.

Then, somewhere I read or heard from TV lately. Yes shud be Battlestar Galactica - you make the choices and you become the choices. So I made a choice (no, I was forced to) to have my own biz, now I have become my own biz. haha.

Frankly, being alone to do a so-called biz or self-employed isnt easy. And I think I dont have much specific skills - I am not a designer, thou too many (almost 99% of people who first meet me) would think I am one (no matter how glam or shabby I dress). I am not anything....sometimes ie how I feel. I dunno....is it a way god is trying to drain me from something, so I could be more flexible!?!?! (I think of the scene in recent episode of Bones - the corpse juices....kinda they have to drain it before they could examine the "bones")

I am very tired. I indeed feel drained. Just translating a press release is tiring me out - OK I never really work in PR before. haha......but somehow people think I can write such for of coz beauty products. If I count by every word, the few ones I did, I should get maybe 5 times more. But if someone could pay 5 times more, why do they want me? might as well get a pro!?!? :))

So, I am stuck. I am caught in between.

I have many threads of "projects" opened - but none is finalized. I wonder....if I am an idiot!? Seriously....ie what I am thinking. Is it me? or is it luck? OK, well what everything has in common is me....so it must be my problems. But it's hard to accept, coz I am not really that stupid....I pick up things so fast.....I always innovate whatever my hands put into....so what's going on!?!?! I am really tired.

Then people around me keep complaining......I dun understand what people are complaining!!! Have I complained much? As above said, u make the choices and U become the choices, and I believe - we never want to be the choices, then why we choose in the first place!? On a positive note....maybe god just wants to groom me into a real biz person. Yet then I wonder.....if I could be one!?!?!

HK really isnt my place. But I did try to weigh if I should come back there back then - and my conclusion was - it's going to lead me to the same place if I wud be there or here, just the paths could be different. This is my upside and also my downfall. I am too positive.....I believe in 2nd chances......I believe in learning from the paths......

So today, I am tired. I dislike the thing I am translating as the products are so boring....so fucking boring, it bores me out completely! OK, so I am like everyone else, I am complaining. So just may I complain silently.....:)

Beginning of the blog, I was comtemplating committing suicide, then it got better.....then worse.....lately, I just want a silent death. I am not sure if I could see myself through....this drag of exhaustion.....very hard to explain. This exhaustion is not like volcano explosion that one can see, but more like collective bubbles bubbling from hot springs.

That's all for today. Cant say something very positive lately. So be it, let it be......