I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Was Watching Ally Mcbeal and this song came on....really luv it, despite I never had a white Xmas before. But this song is kinda lonely & yet so hopeful too.


(Luv Robert Downey J voice......luv luv luv)

Then made me think of a neurosis of mine.

Yes I am a neurotic person, if not psychotic. Someone called me sociopath, thou I dont think he knows what this word really means - yet in the light of me liking reading up serial killers, yes, it could be a word to describe me. I was listening to this song, I remember how I handled my tears. I used to be a super gigantic crying baby, but last 2 years have made me become.......no tear adult (almost). Recently, heart kinda being softened up, I started crying again.

And for e.g. (I am seriously nuts) before I went to get my result, I was at my ex car crying. We just had a wonderful national park trip in Melb, he asked why the ferk U were crying. I said, U wouldnt understand, coz I believed by shedding ALL my tears, I wouldnt be able to cry if the result was bad. OK, the result was FINE. hehe.......but this is how I managed my disappointment. 

Or with my ex-es, ie how I did too, I cried & cried......when we broke up, I couldnt even squeeze a tear. So I gotta say, why usually my ex-es kept good relationship with me, as I didnt leave them a horrible breakup memory - so somehow they would think I was untouchable. It became a turn-on, yet they didnt know the little secret of how I shed it all. hehe 

O yes, also, when I was applying my 1st job in S'pore hospital, I cried alot too, as I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q the interviewer asked. So I came out, I cried & cried. My ex asked, why the heck you were crying, did she yell at u? I said, No, I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q. But next day, I got the offer.........

LOL..........................in retrospect, maybe my tears would be my luck.

I also remember one time I was flying back to Melb, I was watching Time Cop. I saw how lonely he must be - as he was the only person remembering the present (due to time shift), and his family all was unaware and went about doing their "normal routine" at the time-plane they thought they were in. I felt so identifying to his loneliness and so I started SOBBING on the plane till landed.....lol...crazy huh!?!? But the detoxification of the heavy heart & sad soul was AMAZING. And u know what, few months later I had my 1st bf....

hehe, now I think.....why last 2 years were so shitty coz I wasnt able to have tears. Tears could very well be my lucky charm......so my frenz, if I want to cry, let me cry. 

Ummm, thinking of that, my roomate Ellie - she's the same. She likes to cry too. And many nites, I could hear her sobbing - like a monster, I did think if she would turn into one of those monsters of something coz she sounded horrible....hehe, but we always let each other cry.

And I guess, why pple like sharing saddness or secrets with me, coz I never ask them not to cry. I always just let them.

Nude Body Paint

Ar.....yes, someone asked me to be a "nude model".........for a fren anyways - the body painting kind.
Well. Honestly, I am not thrilled with displaying my flappy tummy to the public, but it was for a charity cause, I started thinking about it....
Then they told me it might be on SCMP with face.............SHIT.........nah nah nah...........
I dont want my 5 min fame due to few reasons:
1. Sex Scandals
2. Nudity pics
3. Sex Tapes

If U may be interested, I can refer you. :)

Bygones!

Nomad

I think I used this in another entry before. But today I am not talking about moving.,  I want to talk about something else.

I suspect a nomad has a heart of detachment,  alienation, positive attitude, daring, being able to adapt.....................................etc. 

Suppose, you give them a shelter, tell them, hey man, U dont have to move anymore. What would happen to them? I think they would feel insecure, to attach to 4 walls. OK, then after few decades, U tell them, hey, sorry, there's no more walls for you, plz start roaming around and be a nomad again. Ummmm...........

Do you think the nomad would be happy? It's not like they forget the skills. I think underneath no matter how "detached", "alienated" a person is, at the end, they want attachment........normal nomad would be attached to the possession. Once sheltered nomad....I suspect......he got too much possession he might not be sure how to pick again which is best for him to roam around......he has become attached to things he may not understand.

I now feel he must be lost. A nomad ie lost must be lost. The feeling of void, the feeling of unskilled, the feeling of emptiness or missing abundance is........killing.

Words that I Like

Momentum
Precipitation

Sublime
Consolidation
Agape

Also,
Secret Society
Paranormal
Vintage

The first few words I used alot in my head when I was in Melbourne. I did well in chemistry so I guess ie why I like precipitation & sublime. Sublime is such a beautiful word, esp U see the compound skip the middle state to become guess, it was awesome. I cudnt exactly recall which though....is it iodine or iodine oxide. Sublime actually gives me a feeling of heaven..........:)

Merits & Strength

Actually I cant tell the difference. To me, I am good at everything. To me I am bad at anything. I dont even know........when someone asks me how good you are, and what are your strength. Do people still ask that? It's so weird. I really want to sum up by saying - Oh yo, man! I am perfection.......ummm....I meant close to anyways.

I find these Qs so boring, U know.....close to cliche. I like presenting myself but not like this way - I luv answering Qs, but seems it seems it's too confined.

can I tell them if flamoyant count as one!!! hahahaha or I am not exactly from plant earth as one?

Shit, I really cant communicate with normal earthy people................anyhows.

Have a good night, good week everyone. I am looking at spending most time with my dog - Lottie. I need to shower her now, then observe her at my new place, make ways for her to move around. But now,  she's SLEEPING again on my clothes.....man, she's too lovey dovey lahhhhhhh......................

"sweet Smile"

It's time to go Karaoke

My goodness, Bruce Wayne incorporated this song in his latest movie and I just couldnt get this song outta my mind.......however nowadays Neway doesnt seem to have this song, which I fucking used to luv to sing, amongst others which are oldies, yet would cause your heart bubbling and legs wiggling.......:D



I could remember the words and I have to say, my singing version is better, despite she's BETTER a singer than me, but seems my version is more.....how to say FUN.....heheheeh

Hopeless Romantic

Well, I once called Edward - the vampire in Twilight Saga.....a hopeless romantic as a guy asked me what the heck was this movie about, guess that really sums up the meaning of the whole movie.

U know, I wud never call myself romantic as it feels ICK, YUCK - but truth be told, I am super romantic. Actually, it's too much. But I dont release this magnetism to everyone. Yet, I think I should really shrink this side of me......I am such an extreme person, I never know how to control the intensity...shit, I am idiot....but ar well, learning fast, early is gd, but to me it's learning abit late I guess. But I dont regret one second of it....it's ME ME ME. ME ME ME! :P Sorry..............too egoistic again. Sigh, ie me, what can I do???????

I really wish I could find back my University journals. I am not sure if you know or not, but I write without thinking. My hands are connected to my cerebral nerve endings, they just synapse synapse.....like lightning. I dont type fast, ie why I always seem to type more making sense than I talk, as my synpasing is faster than typing, so I always have next chunk of words or sentences ready at my handtips.

At the moment, my mind is all scattered, thinking about anything & everything.........I realize when this occurs, I have more typing error. yes I could type in the dark without looking at the keyboard too....:P

Lost Love

When I was very young, I saw pple crying coz they broke up with their bfs or something
And then I had my share of experience
I realize the sad thing isnt the breakup
but the feeling of void and saddness remembering the happy moments
THE HAPPY MOMENTS

Of coz U cud cry coz the guyz are assholes, which I had my shares too
like how stupid I allowed myself to be with him or to trust him

Yet, there's one kind ie the worst
is you actually still luv him and there's no flaw in whatever aspects you see
I am a flaw finder so I detect flaws very easily
Also, esp you so dont hate or in any milli-meter dislike the guy
You still find everything he does adorable, cute, sweet, highly regarded.............

Guess, apply to guyz too
maybe you wouldnt use tears as an outlet
maybe go to a niteclub or get drunk with your frens?! hehe

O well......:)

Rotten

This is how I feel today. Rotten. SO Rotten.
My next dog, I will call her Rotten. hahahahaa............

Tick

•  Bought some household thing. TICK
•  Bought some wine. TICK
•  Moved some furniture. TICK
•  Got the Dog Gate. TICK
•  2 Friends already visited me. TICK. More to come, NOT TICK.
•  Starting to put my files to my cabinet. TICK
•  Sent out CV. TICK
•  Arranged 2 interviews. TICK
•  Not yet taken my dogs back. TICK
•  Not yet got the wardrobe & bookshelf. TICK
•  Await for my housewarming gifts - from C & J. TICK (HEHEHEHEHEHEH)
•  Too many things NOT yet DONE. TICK

Whoever reads this has all the rights to come to my place....TICK TICK TICK

Butterfly feeling

Why they use butterfly feeling? I mean if you are nervous and feel funny in the stomach, it should be called bird feeling or bee feeling - U see, when butterflies flip their wings, actually it's not that "flippy" or "flappy".

Exactly now ie how I feel inside from my heart to stomch. It's so not butterfly but like an eagle flipping its wings grumbling insdie. Or maybe they use butterfly in the vocab coz it's supposed to be short-lived?

Anyways, I just want to scream..............ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

March Update & Scattered Thoughts

I am not sure - if it's this new place, I slept earlier than usual for past 1 week. Or maybe my subconscience is following someone's schedule. I have been up nowadays at 7 or 8am, slept before 1am..........it's good sign!!!

So MORNING BUDDIES & MORNING HONG KONG!

Abit drizzling outside.

Seriously this morning, I am thinking of my friend in Japan. He was very emotional when he called me few weeks ago, of coz it's about the nuclear radiation, etc; yet I hvnt heard from him for 2 weeks. I hope he is ok. I hope he could somehow get a ticket so he cud take a break in HK. 

OK, March gone by without any compassion on my poor soul, literally poor. WorkWise, SHIT - everything slow slow slow, delayed delayed delayed, stopped stopped stopped!!! DogWise - suck but now good, as they are not with me,........hahahahahahaha, like a mom letting her relatives taking care of her kids, I am FREE. I dont get woken up by them for days, yet my dark circles are worse - shit, I am supposed to be tortured, destined to have a tortured soul. LuvWise - Good. Nice. Happy.

You ever think why the heck that old time US series like Ally Mcbeal, Friends, X Files, etc - they just rock your world; the ones nowadays just dont have much substance. Even e.g. Fringe, if they didnt talk about alternate universe, I wouldnt want to watch it. I luv alternate universe, I knew it existed since Primary 3.(I HATE THAT ACTRESS, She's ugly and CANT ACT and most of ALL, NO CHARISMA - CANNOT BE CANNOT BE Sci-Fi chick, plzzzzzz)

Realized 2 of my frenz are preg, I am so excited. I am going to be their godmom even they ask or not. I have been collecting alotta godkids, but god-dog-son is exclusively ONE - CURLY.............Muah.

And this month, I am seriously starting to ponder abit how to start my book, I hope by end Apr, I would make up my decision on which topics. And I beg of you, my subconsious world, give me another soul rocking dream so I would kick my ass N start doing it. I think I will do the sci-fi one, never like easy outlet anyways!

Last but not the least-ly thought, I met a very adorable german dude. He is not afraid to express his feeling, while I believe it's first time ever I could just say what I think without caring the other person's feeling as much. Though, I still think I should shut up more......too many of you have warned me to shut up more and dont speak my mind so nakedly at times. Well, guess I should try..........nah.......yea.........nah........yea......

YAWN by DAWN

POLL

I want to know what book content I should write!

1. My sci-fi based dreams - expanding into various Dawnism theories. The problem is that it's so complicated in terms of structuring the story. But I have to say I luv this the most too, as I got dreams since 14, 15yo - they are wicked, water monsters, end of time, building dissolving like butter with one touch, matrix-like using human as energy source, plus lately glasswinged angel, underwater training......................wowowowowowowow........they r just way too exciting. Of coz, I would use some of Bruce Wayne's dreams too, as his are super WICKED as well - his plots are more detailed scripted. ummm....................

2. Just simply about me. About how I think......what makes an ordinary becomes so extra-ordinary. hehe. Alittle bit of psychoanalysis based on Dawnism too. However, I could easily just extract some entries here N paste together as a book. Hence good thing is - it's FAST.

Poll - (1) is abit epic, takes long time but could easily turn into another Lord of The Rings; (2) I could change the world with Dawnism theories and its fast

Morning Princess

"shy", dont ick me! 

Yes, ie what I have been greeted each day. Smitten?! Yes. Never check my morning greetings as much. You know what! Never like to be called princess. From my new Maus, yes, it's fine.....it's good....it's normal and so not cliche. My frenz advised me to take it slow. Slow? What's slow? Observe more? Observe what? I do things my own ways. Ok, well, he may hurt me or leave me one day, but so....?!?! It's not going to kill me. I just go back to my previous lifestyle. No msg every morning only.

After so many years, I realize it's not about the pace. I tried slow, fast pace before. Usually men pace faster. I pace slower. The ultimate results are the same - if it ends, it ends. Doesnt matter what speed you are on, except the hurt level, I guess ie what people talk about. U know what! I dont feel hurt from my ex-es, except the humiliation they put me in, the non-uniqueness they faked it on me, their deliberate showing me the ugly sides of human kinds...........that hurts, not coz they were my bf, but the failure in showing me some good sides of humans and simple fact of being a genuine human - why is it so hard to be genuine, to be oneself, to be honest......Shit it, just be one!

I am not looking for a forever ever epic luv story. I am not snow white and he or any man is  neither prince charming. I just want to be able to imagine to be seated in a little cottage on an island sipping coffee. This is my vision since maybe 18. Actually, oddly, he somehow could fit into this vision.......haha, yes it's too fast in this picture, but it's nice, so WHY NOT!?!?!

I would care for this new Maus even we are together or not together in the future, as how hard it is to find someone to accept me as who I am, while being able to feel my mood, my thinking before I would share......he will be my friend forever, even not luver forever. This is the simple confession and truth. :)

A Peaceful Sunday....

Finally.

I couldnt get the ticket to Ruby Seven, guess it's a blessing in disguise. Not like I so freaking want some booze or food...........though it would be nice sitting in a corportae box just drinking away.

So I slept.....alot. Without my dogs. Coz I chucked them to my dad's. I realize in my life I luv them so much hence they stress me out the most. I luv my new place as it has some kind of special soul in it, despite upstairs is a church thing coz I heard them playing christian songs - I could remember the drum N guitar melody as I used to be part of such groups....guess they are filipino though.

And there was a topic I wanted to talk about, loneliness vs boredom. But it seems I hvnt got the words in my head yet so, guess I am gonna do it when they come to my head. 

Actually today I am just missing my new bf very much. haha........

What I want.....

As many of you know, I am not planning to have any relationship this year. But guess when it's least expected, something will pop up. 

And I have been asking what I want in a guy, I guess as Mr Big in Sex And the City says (which I repeated it thousand of times of my agreement to this during past 5-6 years) - it's simple, "he makes me laugh" and he has to get me & accept me. And he does, for past few weeks he has been making me smile, laugh all day. We dont see each other much but actually that's kinda nice as well. So we could focuz on our work.

I can say that our first date was filled with all kinda unexpected circumstances - it's like the universe didnt want us to meet.......but the outcome was so much better than I expected. 

And I have to say, so far, he has given me a peaceful mind, restful spirit and smiley face! It's nice sometimes that someone could worry if you are on the way, get on the ferry yet, or just text/call u and say missing you. I mean it's totally different from what I have experienced - emotional unavailable men with no way of getting my twisted thinking. The sweetest thing he said to me today - I know you would be nottie but just behave! (O really?) yes coz this is you and I cant change it. (ok, I wont then!) - reverse psychology in such diplomatic way works on me (not other forms though - I excel in it, man!)

Thanks for being so sweet. I am not sure what's the future or outcome but it doesnt really matter as I feel happy today - that's what matters. :D

Lazimaniac Packing Episode Finale

OK, seriously, I am super lazy in my packing mode. I am looking at my paperwork - that will take me 2 hrs. And I am thinking of my clothes - well, I am not going to even touch them. I will let the movers move them as they are positioned. Yes, except I will cover my bras & panties and stuff with some towel - apart from that, Oh, what the hell. Esp, I never feel this is my home, I never unpack anything actually - yes I got some clothes hung, I got some files, I got many books, but they are all like at the same place. I am going to execute a radical throwing action in another 6 hrs. I only have 30 hrs left. tic toc tic toc. And in btw, I am going to spend maybe 5-6 hrs just trying to clean up my new place. I still have things I should have bought for my new place but I just try to delay everything - I really just want to stay in the balcony there N not doing anything for 4 weeks.

Too many shits again happened to me in March, according to my supreme master, ie my shit month. Anyhow, I am going to be fine...............I AM GOING TO BE FINE.

I am also starting to get freaked out about my dogs too. Argh, why dogs bark??? Why they cant quietly meow. I mean, why do they have to fucking bark!!????? Hope I wont get kicked out from my new place, which is not supposed to have residents or pets..............SHIT, coz of a balcony I am taking such a risk, but seriously who wouldnt, I NEED A BALCONY!

WHAT????

Is he kidding me??? Ar, anyways, I cant say. All good things I tell people always turn out to be bad........so WONT SAY. Except, WHAT!!?? Are you kidding me????? OK, if it comes true, thanks to the universe. And U can be sure I am gonna take alotta pics. :)

Sometimes, it's just the shoulder.....

I didnt hv this for long time. After a farewell party, 2 frenz came to have dinner with me. We had a nice time.  SO we split then one of them stopped me.

Despite I didnt know him for long time, maybe altogether met for 4-5 times, he felt I was tensed and so we just nudged in a dark staircase to chat. It was nice to have someone to spend time with you at wee hour just to see how I was. I didnt know what to tell him, but I just bla bla........at the end, of coz he offered his shoulder but I couldnt cry either. He said, I shouldnt be too tough but the thing is.....I am not trying to be a tough cookie, I just couldnt. Anyhow, the only thing I could remember was before I hopped onto a cab to head home, I could melt myself in his hug, which was......something I hvnt got for long time. A hug of comfort. And it was........really nice.

No no no.............not bf potential. Id rather have more frenz than a stable bf now.

NICE!

:-) or :)

I have been messaging with many men and women all my life. I find it interesting that when they use smile icons, they do slightly different from galz.

Men use :-), galz use :) more often.
Except Bruce Lee, he uses (^^)
I think :-) looks abit more mischievous, while :) looks cuter.

See if you could see this generalization in your life..........^^, :), :D, :p