CALMNESS

My fate is somewhat going to be determinded by a conf call by a bunch of europeans. Isnt it cool????

Shit, I should be shitting myself freaking out now. But I am very calm like hte silent Space. I guess my last 2 years of training and many years training my EQ (from -ve EQ) from my neurotic, suspicious bossesssssss..........I learnt my lesson. The only way to combat this fear is to ignore it. Find more things to do. Ie why I have been sending out many many emails on proposing business co-operation.

What if it's bad news? Honestly, I will be happy too, as this gives me a direction. Finally, I can let go completely. Feel suck for sure. But I have done my best. I will work on something else. It's like a bad relationship. Getting out or staying put. It's never an easy way out. If someones makes the move, sometimes inside we are happy despite we may feel remorse toward them at the same time. Bittersweet is the sweetest of all.

If it's good news. Whoever is reading it, I will buy a drink when I see you! :)

Live in fairy tale

I like fairy tales, like Little Mermaid. Not snow white thou. I even believe in fairies. Of coz, you know I believe in other intelligent beings too.

I realize today that I am so stubborn or so living in my own universe, I so wanted to ignore the reality. Anyhow, I make up my mind I will do something now. Maybe bow to the reality. 

My fairy tale or universe never consists of White Knight saving me from the top floor of a castle. My mind, I have always been stuck in a pit suffocating since I was 18. My universe consists of happiness, real enjoyment of freedom, free thinkings, free of judgement, free to be me, you, them. I am not looking for a Utopia. I dont believe in paradise or free of troubles. On the contrary, I believe only via experiencing life & challenges make one being able to be free.

I hope this is the final training of the supreme being for me for the next 20-30 years. I am outta wit. Outta energy to fight, to stay positive, to be ah Q. I just want to be ME to believe in the goodness of things, faith in better Me-tomorrow.

MERRY XMAS!!!!

My friend Leo just wished us MERRY XMAS FOUR months in advance. I WANT TO WISH U ALL HERE - MERRY XMAS in ADVANCE too!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always love Xmas, since I came back to HK. But last few years I didnt find my Xmas very magical. Somehow this year, esp thanks to Leo's reminder, I am feeling the magic again. I like Xmas as it's supposed to be a season of FUN FUN FUN. not of the gifts or snow.

Wishing U a magical pre Xmas months!!!!!

sorry

I kinda went through last 2 week entries. MAN, I have been pissed. And agitated. Sorry for all the negativity. But well, the truth is I am waiting for a news, which makes me so agitated. Actually, was waiting for two news, one was good news. I hope the other one that makes me so agitated is good news too. I wasnt planning to talk about it, as I realize the more I talk about a positive thing or hope for the good things - they never come. It's so against the law of attraction or book of secrets. Anyhow...........I just briefly mention it here without details, due to these reasons. I am holding all the anger and expectation in......actually.

No need to encourage me. Just secretly pray for me. :) 

THANKS MY FRENS WHO HAVE BEEN READING ME HERE.......^^

Politically Correct?

I dont understand why I cant be politically incorrect?

I am a racist, so what!? But I dont go against all races. I have my share of experience with some in that race then make my decision why I dont like them in general. But I am an extreme person. I dont like that race, dont mean I cant like one particular person of that race.

Why do we have to be politically correct all the time? I am sometimes politically neutral, as I got no preference but when I choose to be politically incorrect, I dont think people should correct me when I dont correct them.

I have other things which may sound politically incorrect. Racist is just one of them. I am racist against 2 races only, but after the hostage siege last nite, it may bump upto three. I hvnt made up my mind yet.

In short, I want to say something to praise myself. haha.....above is just an intro. When I was studying in Aus, I was trying to be a good person and also a good representative of a Hongkie. I did get various compliment from various nationalities saying that becoz they ve known me they ve changed their views on Hongkies. However, I hv met many various different nationalities that not only they never try to be a good citizen, they never even try to be a nice person. So in one sentence, they deserve my despise. :)

This is just me, being so politically incorrect of being racist and a show-off person. :D

Another Horrible News of HK

I am sure you are feeling really angry & sad for the hostages that were kept at a tour bus in Manila last night. WHo knows! It's their last day of the trip. It was meant to be? It was fate?

I say it was SHIT.

Honestly, I have never been fond of philippinos. One of them even not just seduced my late grand-dad, I believe she even took his money. Anyways, men frail, fial at old age, no big biggie. Now, I will dislike them more. I know it's super childish, but this is what I have to do.

I hope the families and people who stay alive keep strong, though honestly who can? Easy to say it, isnt it? I put myself in their shoes - it's just impossible. I just hope they allow themselves time to heal.

My Memory Sucks!!!

Do you sometimes feel like you mix up the memories of where you meet certain people? This always happened to me. When I first came back to HK, I walked on the street - I saw faces or people or friends who greeted me..............I got confused if I knew them from HK? S'pore? Melbourne? KL? China? Or even some travellers I bumped into during the trips to Cambodia or Laos. Or they are just friends of my other friends.

Yesterday, I heard a bad news. Someone I was supposed to know in Australia passed away. He should be very young. But I got no recollection of who this person is? Am I seriously a bitch? I wasnt, actually, when I was in OZ. I was very gullible, naive, thou complicated & deep thinker - yet maybe instrinsically I am a bitch. How could I not remember someone whom I might have seen every week in a church fellowship & he used to hang out with my friend's ex - and my fren & ex were always hanging out with me!!??

Maybe, I could indeed let go of past memory. I used to be very good at remembering every detail of my memory - I saw it as a duty to remember, to be precise. However, I realized it's actually a bad thing - so I started deleting details. Well, of coz I would remember important details.

After 10 years back in HK, I have become less confused. But now, another problem surfaces - Oh, I met this person from this friend or that friend or at a party or at another networking meeting? Man, I am not paid to remember people's faces and I am bad with names. Very bad. I need to see the name written down to indeed remember. So, if you introduce me to your frenz, I would surely make them very happy but pls ask them not to ask me what's their name, as I am 99.9% sure - I WONT REMEMBER.

Shutter Island

I didnt sleep as I got morning meeting.....I was afraid I couldnt get up. Anyways, as some may know, my lack of sleep does sometimes spark crazy creativity and bad spelling. Shit, I shud have studied advertising or something - those pple dont sleep and they are bad in vocab.

Anyways, I watched Shutter Island. To my amazement, it's pretty damn good. I never liked "prison" drama so I never watched Prison Break. I wasnt fond of Leonardo, thou I would go to see most of his films. This one - his performance was fantastic. He got the neurotic look going on. 

And the suspense was very well done. Some parts of the "dreaming" or "Hallucination" scenes were shot really great. I thought to myself, it must be done by a great director.....oh yea, By Martin Scorsese. Man, he's 68 yo but he still got alotta projects going on!!! 

Sometimes, it's great to see a movie because you know which director is in it. Like this case, it would be great to have no idea like me. As I am not fond of this Martin.....I glanced through the movies he directed, didnt like. Esp, I so digusted by The Departed, which I fell asleep half way, which is something I rarely do. He so didnt get the concept of Infernal Affairs - he & the cast did suck jobs in there. Sorry, I like the HK version too much!!!

Do grab a dvd. Worth your time.

I hate chinese thinking 2

Same as the other one beginning, I am not exactly sure about if chinese tend to do it more, but then it kinda instills in chinese minds. Never praise someone. By saying something negative "constructive criticism" make someone grow.

I hate my parents and my whole family for that. All I could remember about them is nothing constructive but destructive. I love them, too. Actually more like pity love. How sad sometimes for so many folks who are not qualified to be parents in this modern world to be parents. And they were parents of five, plus with another 10 dogs and other freaking animals - I had a crocodile before.

Well, yes, I already let it go. Many people would say "suen la" (aka never mind, let it go). I do. But honestly, I am just being honest here. What's wrong with being truthful and honest? Not that I am going to revenge.

Pls dont misunderstand I am not proud of being chinese. Actually, I am very much. I dont want to be of any other nationality actually. But the fact is, many chinese in HK are so old-schooled, so outdated, so boring, so shitty dead zombie-like - but then pointing fingers at people like me who dare to be different, or who try to be different. WHY WHY WHY??? People like to step on others? Is it the other way to survive???

I forbid my mom telling my sis kids any negative words such as ":not smart enough" "stupid" "Slow"..................as best as I can. I am just so frustrated sometimes, if you know what I mean. How hard it is to get rid of the negative words out of your mind from your loved ones. The outside people only add on more coals, which are not the origin.

Anyways, pls I beg of you. Say something nice to your spouse, your friends. Dont u think that I dont know my weakness? Why stress on it when I already know? Your family, your kids, your friends, your staff - THEY KNOW (most likely anyways) - even they dont know, I believe being a simple minded person is god-sent-gift!

Thanks to 3 very important people at various stages in my life, they were the ones who just speak of kind comment honestly - I know they see my weakness too, but they know I know my weakness too.

1. My high school teacher Mr Pong - he told me I was a potential child. I could achieve great things.

2. My room-mate Ellie - who reinforce my confidence in believing I was indeed a cool & creative person. keke

3. My best friend Leo - who speaks kindly to me and has been encouraging to my every move.

Not that I need to hear something positive all the time. I am saying, dont speak negatively all the time.

Guess what! I bet many people misunderstand my meaning already. haha

Sorry, this week is an anger week. I am kinda venting them all out.

I hate some old chinese thinking

I cant honestly say whatever I am going to say is purely chinese thinking....maybe it's general earth people thinking. But well, to me, it seems more fucking chinese MEN (esp) speaks to me like these. I want to tell them, DIL NEI LO MO!

Are you sure you want to get married, as you know, you are going to be 40 soon?!

HUH!?!? For one, I am not thinking much about GETTING MARRIED AGAIN. And do you think all women ONLY goal is to get married????????????????????????????????????????? DIU!

When I tell them I am not actually thinking much about getting married, honestly, they start to get offended by further saying..........

Forget finding one.

I think old traditional chinese men, they are all so fucking idiotic. Is it a problem being a tough woman who is hitting menopause in another 10-15 years? I dont see myself begging to get a man - my goal in life isnt to get married, have kids. My goal, on the contrary to them, is to influence the world. Why chinese have to put everything in such negative tones????????? Is it so edifying for them to feel they could step on people?

Lastly, whatever people or even friends comment on me. I know my universe and my nature. This is something I gotta stress. I dont buy into fate. I buy into faith in goodness. Whatever you say negatively about me, I dont really care. And dont give me the "constructive crisitsm' crab. But pls look into yourself first. Have I commented you negatively? Why some people just want to dig through nothingness to stress a tiny character hiccup, people have to amplify it. But pls, dont you think you got issues too? Have I non-stop surfacing them? 

I am hating some people more.

Finally, I managed to cry.....

As a child, till adolescence till come-of-age, I always loved to cry. I was a crying baby.

These 2 years, it was so difficult for me to cry. I wanted to, but I couldnt.

Tonite, after hearing something, I couldnt control my tears, I cried for hours........................

I think it's great finally I managed to cry. I was just fulfilling my purpose - to cry. It's so good to really cry, unstoppably cry..........anyways, I just want to tell u, I am feeling so good now, becoz

I had a good cry!

After 3 months

After 3 months of a new addition of canine - Lottie - into my life, I struggled for the first two months. As her character is abit like Shadow - NAUGHTY & CRAZY (also just like me)!! I at first cried because I couldnt understand why all my dogs, the two of them, were so handful and chaotic creative. I felt exhausted every second just looking at both of them, messing up my every inch of home.

Lottie (aka Lor Lor)

But now, I am starting to enjoy both of their presence. With shadow alone, it was great, afterall we have been together for like 10 years. Now, even Shadow is adjusting to the new addition Lottie. They never fight, it's a good thing. They both sleep peacefully with me, and need to be around me all the time. Life....without them would be so empty & less smile..

Shadow (aka Shadow BB)

I love them so so much!!!!

My high Heel days r coming......

I went jogging abit tonite. I only jogged like maybe 3 times few weeks ago, then I just go swimming instead. But tonite, I wanted to test my stamina if it had any improvement.......IT DID!!!!! I only needed to stop twice for my targetted track, while before it would be like 4-5 stops. My target by end Aug, I could do one whole round w/o stopping.......

I find that swimming is harder to stretch. While for my jogging, since I am so afraid I would hurt myself, I keep doing alotta streching......but anyhow my left knee usually had some pain or discomfort if I walked on stairs or jog, but tonite it was totally fine.

I am really excited to see my high heel days coming back soon. I promise you, by Oct, you will see a perfect Dawn with beaming skin & smile. ^^

arrr......I am OLD

Shit, was looking at myself at my friend's album - well, we went to this private cooking thingie, supervised by a 5 star chef at Sogo Club (it was super fun) - I looked so freaking old. Like my mom. Shit, my mom looks younger than me. I really need to start taking care of my skin & my appearance........I couldnt let these 2 years shit life wear onb my face any fucking longer.

Pewh, thanks for listening!!!

On educating Kids

I dont have kids and I am not planning to. Unless one fine day, I am wealthy & married, I want to adopt kids instead. I want 3 kids - african baby, Beijing baby and a russian baby. Hoho......but nah, I prefer to be god-mothers for all my friends' kids. :P

But I know quite abit about kid education as I am involved in tutoring my sister's kids-Uma & Morris They are handful, as they were born with Lok's blood. Lok's blood I believe is cursed. Anyways.

It's really difficult to train HK kids so to speak, esp the standard & mentality of school teachers are not upto standard at all. I doubt many of them have a vision to create a better world. I once wanted to be a teacher, as I always have till now still this mentality to change the world. What if I couldnt do it myself, I could actually influence the kids......hohohoh! Anyways, we cant blame the teachers too much either, as they were never influenced before.

One thing I disgust with the school education in HK is that everything the teachers say is right! I try to instill a training to my sis kids that they can actually challenge whatever I say - of coz they wouldnt do so, as really how dare them to challenge a teacher. I am trying.......no one is absolutely right, this is my message! Why they got this idea they need to be 100% obedient? It must be from parents & teachers. Sigh! I doubt I could influence both of them to have a vision to change the world. They are not of that degree of calibre, though I am still putting a slight hope on the younger boy Morris.

Really, if you never make mistakes, how well do you know what's right or wrong. But, HK parents & school will never allow kids to make mistakes. Such a depressing thing.

I hope one day if you have a kid, give them good insights, train them to be a visionary individual, allow them to make mistakes. Dont just throw the words - U r so stupid! (I live with this phrase all my life - of coz purely from my family. Honestly, since I was 3, I always felt I was different and they are the just abunch of idiots - roaming around aimlessly, stupidly, sheepishly)

Yes I remember there was something once a teacher put it - chinese always say to their family : BE careful. Or Bring an umbrella. OR You should have brought a jacket, see now U got a cold.  Chinese always say - you should have, you should have.....................While, the west would say: Have fun! (though I am now a grown-up, the above events are not entirely true - but the gizt of it is true). Just being stay-put vs trying spirits.

I am so not putting down chinese. Actually east philosophy is so darn good - e.g. patience. Patience means giving it time. But if giving it time without trying - then it becomes stale. While, trying without giving it time, it becomes a crushed peanut. (zeal without knowledge is heading to hell too) Yes I am trying to instill a East/West fusion to my sis kids. I hope I succeed. It's really tough when you are trying to fight against the whole universe.

Arrr...................enough of kids talk. Had lunch yet? ^^

A new view on Depression

Well, this is like a cancerous word to many. O, you are depressed, you should see a DOCTOR and get a prescription! Lets look at it in a new better way.

If the form of depression handicaps your every move - well, yes maybe you need some help. But I believe it has a grace period for it. I went through depression stages at various degree. Actually I went to see psychiatrist, doctor or councellor at various states, but to my amaze, I find them "useless" and actually they could very well be more depressed than me. No one asked me to go, but I went there for help. Honestly, seeing people more depressed make me cure........abit nuts of myself here. However, it goes down to how much you are HONEST with yourself too. 

We adore lying to ourselves.

I believe my depression started when I was trying to be honest with myself. I  saw (around 16-18 yo) it as the pivot of being a true human and the ultimate suvivial kit. That of coz as you would know had come with a price. Depression was just a side product of seeing the true side of yourself - the ugliness of hearts, even when I was a teen. By the time I looked around the world, the world was filled with filth, dust, shits, rubbish and many satans - then I was collapsed into a pit, I hid there for months. I even experienced a borderline nervous breakdown moment - it was a trance state and they gave you a choice. Everything is about choice. Of coz I chose to NOT go down - even I knew going down that path wouldnt make me suffer as much, and might very well make me very happy (if I never attempt "cure").

Why I am talking about depression?

As I blogged here couples of days ago, I talked about writing a book. And I am now really trying to scribble down the core concept. It's very very hard to construct. -while building a  complcated concept, and then insert my own dream-sets into the book. Then, I suddenly remember and maybe I should say I praise about my 18-year-ago depression. I wish I could find back all my entries then. They were all really original thoughts - I never studied any philosopher or psychogists theories ever before. Honestly, I always thought my thoughts were so much better & powerful - NOT bragging here. I believe my old entries could give me very good insights on my existing struggling concept.

Then, I realize.......

Depression is actually a good tool to tap into your untapped brain or even your heart!! As some of us discussed before, when we are "moody" or "depressed", we tend to write more because we feel more. We wont usually talk to our hearts, asking how we feel today! But when you are hit with some moodiness/depression, you would really try to ask your heart what the heck is happening. Right? Bet most should have gone through these but whether in such a talking mode with onself is upto different individual.

Only compassion & depression could be a bridge to get to your heart, my current belief.

Anyhows, I am not really in that "depression" state anymore so I rely heavily on research. I am still trying to tap into my brain to create the concept. My old me could have done it so easily as she was so connected with herself. Ummm, I hope sometimes soon I could find not only compassion or depression could tap into the core being, some other emotion could too.

So in short, more controlled depression isnt a bad thing afterall. Sometimes we can embrace it with thanks since it sparks us inspiration.

Note: oh yes, there's another form of depression - I would call it self-pity depression. It's very common amongst us. They feel deprived, so they get depressed, later turn into anger. I always dont get it why some would get angry when they wouldnt have as many toys as other kids when they were young. I agree, they should get depressed too due to their stupidity & uselessness!

Inception

Actually I saw few DVD & movie but these 2 weeks I am not really in the mood  of saying much. But want to drop a note regarding Inception.

First off, I luv Chris Nolan. He's so dark so I like...I like it very much. I like dark-mattered mind. This Inception movie, I can say is indeed interesting but as for me it's not mind-blowing enough. 

Leonard Dicarpio is a great actor. I have seen few of his movies, but I think they picked the wrong lead actor for this one. I guess when you have to discuss a deep concept, you need somewhat a more intellectual with action flavour actor - though I cant suggest another one yet. So maybe ie why he was picked....haha. 

Ellen Page as the dream set designer to me is even more unconvincing. She looks non-smart, non-creative. She doesnt have the spark of making something complex.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Artur (Leonardo's assistant in the movie) is a superb actor too. He was the lead in 500 days of Summer. I must say he stole alotta screen time from Leonardo. Honestly, I didnt like him as an Arthur too, just dont feel the chemistry between Leonardo & him.

I am not Chris Nolan's brain so I am not exactly sure about the real plot. But from what I have seen, it's not something very complex. Though the concept is complex. Ie why I am starting to read this mutual dreaming research. It has alot to deal with the untapped brain, which is something I am deeply intrigued with.

But still, I highly recommend this movie. At least, let us think alittle....it's not really a movie that easy-go-funny style. Though it's not really that difficult to get it either. After the movies, I overheard many couple's conversation "wow, so deep, so complicated, I dont understand" - it's just because not many directors dare to make a movie that make people - stop/pause and think. Of coz, Chris Nolan has the advantage of getting big budget to hire in-stars. O well, hence HIGH FIVE to this movie - HK people should go to theater for this one!

I am starting on a new thing...

Well, actually it's inspired by a dream. I am starting to write a book! It's a sci-fi based, as most dreams I could remember vividly are pretty sci-fi. Now, the more I ponder over it, the more I realize most of these dreams have something to do with water and end-time. Water dripping by a slope, hurricane water monsters, underwater training....................I am going to devote my time to combine all these dreams into a sci-fi book. Of coz, my ultimate wish since very young was to make a movie.

Wow, hope I could be brave enough one day to show it here for all of you guyz.

6 Aug

I believe in fairness & unfairness of the world. Humans are never fair. The universe is always fair.

That's why I am never jealous of what people have - money, power, fame, even beauty. Those that constantly nagging & having a sense of deprivation. I just so dont get why people always complain of what they dont have, or why other people's parents are rich to make these pple something, while they dont have rich folks, or why they have no umbrellas while raining. HEY let the rain drop on you wont kill you, I want to tell these people. Why not think of - wow, it's good I wear a black top instead of a white top in the midst of dogshit raining?

Recent case of Amina Mariam has aroused some fever anger within some Hong Kong people. It's not to me about rich & famous, though it surely is something of a substance about this case. I understand & accept about unfair treatment towards rich & powerful. It's not even new news. However, this case to us is borderline  corruption. Honestly, if she looks prettier or hotter, I wouldn have let it go. hahahaah. Yet, with the modern technology, everything she did was captured. Come on, judge, you think we would let this go. It just aroused more anger with that stupid sentences - allowing her to head to US for some psychology retreat? Might as well, tell us all, she has been sent to Bali for a tan!!?? How come people could be so stupid? I meant the judge.

I do not see the point of arguing justice, as within law, there's no real justice (with my limited knowledge of law)...:P And there's no righteous politics as within the boundary of politics, it's only greed for power. My father taught me this. I so believe & abide in it. I sometimes wish I could be even more dark, less emotional driven - I believe I could very well be a cult leader (as my roomate once said).

To me, I am going to protest on 15 Aug, not coz I want justice. But more, coz how can an educated non-hot non-pretty bitch got away with this. She deserves some jail time. Not 10 years la......even 10 weeks will bring a smile to my face!

2009 till now

2009 was bombful. 

2010 is dreadful.

I think those who have known me for over 3 years would know I am a very different Dawn compared to maybe lets say when I was in 2003. I was constantly at war with my emotion. My EQ was always the worst one. My AQ though was pretty good, considering I was the project manager at one stage.

Now, I find myself so patient. So quiet in my ambitions. High in EQ. AQ not sure yet as not yet tested for some time. But I cant deny, I am somewhat abit exhausted, abit tired with all the challenges I gotta face these 2 years. I know everyone has problems, but for me, I was more or less alone facing all kinds of trials, which some are very difficult to tell or confide with anyone. Thou, I tried my best to record the end result "happiness" "sadness" "suicidal tendency" "depression" here, I today feel tired. But still hopeful. Anyways, one thing that never changes is I am extremely extreme person. From star sign or palm reading to personality analysis to even Enneagram................................

I believe, strongly believe, I wont die now. There's no way I can die now. I need to press on. I seriously want to show the world how someone like me could stand up again...............alone. 

I hope I will be rich very soon, so I can grant all those who have supported me unconditionally  & selflessly a grand trip. hahaa, this is one of my goals, actually. Anyways, I feel good to say this, even though it seems so far away (not really.....just abit of time & luck). 

Anyhow, with all the happening in my family & my business as of today, I feel tired but I am going for a swim in half an hour. I dont want to lose the momentum of doing something ever again. Depression is one that destroys ones motivation & most of all the momentum. I luv this word "momentum" alot. Anyhows, thanks for reading........:)