Meaning of Life

I started thinking about this since 16....and lately, as I am drowning in work, yes I am working on Sun.....too, should finish at 2am today.....I feel really melancholic. I am making deciison, small or big based on no facts at times, and it's making me very stressed and tired. Despite, I always like to make decision.....I feel I am drowning.

Then I feel alone, I feel guilty. Esp to my dogs, I dont spend time with them, I didnt have water so they were thirsty for a while....I went to buy water, and it started raining......

Just a bit exhausted. While, running around for someone, he came back with words that made me more moody.....the thing is I didnt even do my own things, piles of laundries hvnt done.....at times, U just want a simple thank with a sympathetic look, or maybe grab me a nice dinner...etc

So I am regrouping hopefully, if I have the ability. I am tired........

I need to make a call now, hope my life analyst would give me mindblowing insights....as I feel tired......

I am crying

I dont know how to stop it

cant stop my tears....I want to keep crying until no more tears.....

it should be good for me.....

can someone call me and sing a song to me?? haha.....

Revolution

Finding ways to evolve is tough

Finding means to "revolutionize" is even tougher

I think, or same degree, I cant pinout anything nowadays as sharp as I could

life, work, love, friendship......are making things tougher to think internally

I really need to think internally asap

I need to re-start my process.....I think life gives you at times, some bitter tasting fruit is to yick you out to move ur ass....to walk ahead.....to find ways, paths, means to grow sthg sweet or even more bittersweet tasting fruits......

so I am IN for revolution......

Dream with 5 men.....

Kinda like a nightmare but it's quite interesting on some parts

First part, I was hving a sexual experiement with this man, who actually was making a clone of me, trying to replicate my few different spots, specially 3 spots......I could see in a chamber with another me (no face) but a body, reacting to same stimuli as mine....weird.....

But his family arrived home and so I left

Then I got home, it's kinda like a big mansion, but I kept my 2 dogs in a room, I went to open it......

And then I realize I had a gigantic balcony......kinda like a palace.....and yet I could see some winding stairs case above me, with a pool and restuarant

People sitting there could see me sleep, I was shocked to this idea....as I thought to myself in my dream, damn, I always walked ard and slept naked.

Next, I felt unsafe so I was trying to go out. Suddenly a long shinny blade cut across the air in front of me.......it's like samari sword, blade...dunno, I just knew it's v long, carried by a fat man. He said to me, dont go.......U r spied by 3 men living above. They are going to come down and hurt you anytime they knew they could......so I went back in............

Starting to jump around, so as to make noise that...to signal them I am with companies, etc....

it's actually 3 arabic guyz.

Funny enough....I was told I was haunted by 3 men for years in real life....damn,,,,,,errie......

Summer.......is tiring me out

I always hate summer......it's sticky, sweaty,....rain.sun

i belong to vampire world, dark and breezy

didnt write for a while, I think

my mood has been stale

no nothing, somewhat........

work is crazy, as usual

I had few days off but I took sickie today

as I just want to escape

from reality

It's terrible, I know

but I just need to escape.....once in a while

I guess, this trip I didnt go by myself

I went with a fren

it suffocated me

now I started to understand

I cant indeed go on trip with anyone, if we sleep in same room

 

I will need days to recover this effect

I dun mean I would feel this with my bf or something

coz with a bf, I can be myself

I can tell him I want to go to this shopping mall or do massage......while U sit in the pool checking out hotties in tiny bikinis

I now could un....I am no woman's frenz....

I cant be.....

it's too much for me.....

I dont mind taking care of people, but I dont like at same time

when....I just want to sit in the hotel room doing nothing daydreaming

to me, that's rest, that's vacation

 

shopping in bangkok of coz is wonderful

but I just realize I didnt actual;ly buy anything....substantial

except....a pc, a blanket, very very cheap, hand knitted by peasants......

 

what the fuck wrong is my problem???? Am I such loner or self absorbed bitch?
guess I am both
and guess I am destined to be alone......shits...
how daunting is this notion!?!?!

My morning dew

My Morning Dew

each time when you speak

I feel mersmerized

we never speak same language

just like the heat radiate from the rising dawn condensed the humidity around the dark green leaves

strangely condensed that very droplet of what we call dew.....

My Morning Dew

every time when you gaze at me

I feel magnified

every flaw every goodness i have, become larger than life, become the best of life

Every day as we roam, we stroll around the streets, streets with herbal smell and cockroaches

haha....we laugh, smile and gaze

what is it about gazing? Isnt what all love stories, love movies that describe the one-fy feeling?

And it's strange, I dont usually gaze

i either stare or just not look

But My Morning Dew

somehow you are like the Koala bear that the tree cant help but gaze at

the trees grow stronger with your beary hugs

My Morning Dew

if you were indeed Don Juan, I would have turned away, as he's nothing

he has no intelligence

he has no real words to

compare with what you have

if I may, I would jump to the next train

and ride to the end of the world

just to see the glimpse of the shinning sun reflecting from the corner of your lips

If I may, I would fly to Mars and look back

and just to admire the light reflecting from the edge of your eyes

If I may, I would let my soul be flown across the universe, bypassing my Milky Way

tiptoeing at the probably gaseous Orion

just to sniff off all your scent

2nd anniversary

Hi there......

WOW.............it's 2nd year of this blog. I remembered I started in 2010 June, sometime before my bday then. And.....it's been more than 600 pc.....pat on my shoulder....good going gal, I wud say.

And thanks for checking up on me.....even I know you or not. 

Thanks....:)

Alternate Self

I have been having dreams. Dreams that are clearly taken me to another plane and planes. It's like I am still here, lets say HK, but it's on another plane of HK. I saw similar people but some I dont really know. I think I asked for it, coz I got so angry I didnt hv much dreams or even much thoughts, so the universe started opening my sub-alternate conscience.

Here I go jump to another possibility. it was speculated that towards 2012 dec, we wud be spiritually awaken or just simply the world gone wild or dead......so wud it be it? I hope so....I am dying for some spiritual awakening. My work has taken toll on me, big time. I am back to work now and work......

Arrrr, back to work, talk later. HAVE A GOOD SUNDAY. HK IS RAINING DOGSHITS!

American Pie

I knew I watched it, but I could only remember the dude fucking poked his fingers into the yes "pie" trying to SENSE it's PUSSY. gosh....if women pussy cud be that wet with that stupid fingers, he spots on! Just a random watching movies to continue my zombie or zombot living.

Luv this song. It speaks me.....hahahaha, whatever way u mean.

i hv been drinking white at home, so I am abit hazy.....laters. all. have a gd week ahead.

At times I have become a zombie

I have been so busy that somewhat I have turned into a zombie, a zombie who doesnt know what she eats, where she sleeps...............working is zombie-like too, continuously tackling pbs....I dont even remember where I talk to a real person for real, yes hence not much update here. Not that I dont see people, I see.....but I feel it's not me talking. I know reasons, apart from busy, it's my metamorphosis state......I was shattered somehow sometime ago, I think I am finding a cocoon to hide myself or I am trying to numb myself from something, maybe pain, maybe reality......this is my process....I numb, I numb.....days after days, weeks after weeks....then gradually, I become cold....I like to be cold as it's the best mechanism.....think abt it, die in cold or die in heat better? I also cant say, I am afraid of both actually.....but I hv thought about it lately. Dying in fire must be too pain but usually may last 5-10 mins? Cold cud be longer....rite? The chilling pain isnt something we are accustomed to. Anyways, I am afraid of such pains and death.

So, I must start....yes the other blog, which I have delayed again and again. My excuses? Too busy? Too tired? Actually....the real reason is my yhome is in a mess and I need another computer. hahahahaha.........or tab. Yes I got no ipad, no tab......I have delayed getting it, somehow even I know I will need one, as I need to have sthg next to me continuously for me to pick up my ass to work. But, nowadays, apart from my work, I just got my bed and TV. I hate it all.

And every morning when I leave home and back to the office like now, I feel melancholic, as I realised I didnt look at my darling dog eyes alot lately. I didnt even play w her. I just feed her. Oh yes, this reminds me I need to buy them food.......arghhhh.......

Anyways, yes I am moody. Sorry....it's gonna be for a while again. It doesnt seem I am outta the wood. ever.

Being in Love

Nothing beats being in love.....coz it's filled with all ingredients I love. So intensely.

Sexing, Feeling, Talking, Looking, Adoring, Kissing, Texting, Sexting, PornoSnap-ing, Nudity-ing,..........Smiling, Laughing, Crying, even Pain-ing.

But........it doesnt have to be with a man only. When I look at my dog, Lottie, everyday, I fall in love with her again and again.......her huge eyes parked with her ugly face, the whole thing is just one word - ADORABLE.

Guess, everything is a net. Never put all fish in one net. Even love.....love vicariously to...if possible, as many people as possible, and as vast field as possible. Sorry, I am not a single devoted person. I always need some form of distraction. Though......I dont want others to do it on me.

So, yes I am an assy bitch. But today, maybe there's sun.....I feel in love. so much in luv.

Jealousy....

.............................:(

2 colleagues are leaving so I am sad.

Not becoz I know them very well, actually I dont really know them at all, except few occasions of chats (few words exchange) when we cross passed the toilet loading.....hehe....here is weird, people dont really know each other. it's basically a silent hell.

Anyways, but it's some form of silent heaven for me!

Yet, I am filled with jealousy, coz they are embarking a new life.......:( I want new life. I want to travel. I need it.....I want I want, so I am jealousssssssssssss...........filled. U could even smell my jealousy from 11 floor up or 6 floor down, ok...I am on 6/F.

So yes I am talking like a brat....but I am I am I am jealous. 

:D

Quotation 4

From http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1797472621683255652#editor/target=post;postID=4611860139199897278

Lets continue on........below were updated on my FB when I was under influence of alcohol....:P

1. I luv coz I so luv!
I hate coz I so hate!
Luv is nothing without some form hatred!
Hatred is nothing without some form of luv!

2. Diffusing pain is oozing!
The oozing luv is fleeting!
The fleeting momentum is shitening!

3.  There's no meaning in waiting!
There's also no meaning in longing!
There's only meaning in doing so nothing!

Lastly, something not from me....but by an unknown writer:

There's always -
a little truth behind every " JUST KIDDING"
a little knowledge behind every "I DONT KNOW"
a little emotion behind every "I DONT CARE"
a little pain behind every "IT's OK"

Continue to inspire and quote even bs  and lets pollute the world with our words and minds. haha. Cheerio.......

My alternate universe

I am quite sure....in my alternate universe, I must be a scientist. I always came up something quite scientifically and logically.....yes I had another dream. But not gonna talk about it.....as it's abit crazy, cudnt be explained w words here.

I had a great week, went to an Artistic in Silence (i think it's the event's name), and got to know this group of people from Kiosk, and I will check their website later. It's a HK lifestyle website, and I want to support all the creative happenings from HK.

Having said that, I have been too tied down with work and the facelifts of hk, hasnt been set up yet entirely and surely update you guyz once it's live. Though, I think for public, it would be live by end June......:)

Nothing crazy or intelligent to talk about but I think I do have quotations I want to share here in next entry.

ARGJHJHHHHH

I tried to keep one entry a week....since all time here....but in 2012, I missed 2 weeks....last week was one, which I didnt realize, I am abit upset. Coz it should be a routine for me. but indeed last week was so busy that I didnt even have a thought of any kind. Anyways, I now just hope May to be gone asap and awaiting for June to be on my side.

HAVE A GREAT LAST 2 WEEKS OF MAY 2012......

A weekend in Pain

Past 2-3 weeks I have been working nonstop and it's gonna be the same next 2 weeks. My neck and my back muscles have screwed up really badly. I was planning to go to work today....yes little do most people know, I could be a holic, workaholic is one at times.

amble rest could indeed ease some pain but.....i think for me, I need a real holiday. 

Nothing much to say for these few days, as I am busy drafting a multi-author, multi-lingual blog....I hope something could get on-live by early June.

And as U all know, I am a TV holic too, and the summer season is coming to end, some shows are ending too, e.g. desperate housewives. I cant say I like the scripts/plots of this show but somehow they always end with a thought provoking comment about humanity. And it's very nice, coz it's a good reflection, no matter how cliche it is at times. Just like today....as I was watching the last episodes of it, there are many that pop up.....and I would like to share them here.

1. "Remember, how much you wanted to be loved and how much you are loved now"

2. When Renee as usual.....crazy, bitch and got pissed as her wedding dress was ruined, etc....she was yelling at her husband to be, Ben not to say a word ot comment how later, how hideous she looked etc, Ben just said he never saw more a beautiful woman in his life. Of she broke down w melting tears.....ie how a woman needs. Women r idiots. Including me. :)

I guess, I will end it with, remember how much you wanted to succeed, and how much success with toil you are in, give thanks to what you have.....or remember how much you wanted to be free and how much freedom you have now.......for those, never have something they really want, try to want something SSSS......coz you will be surprised, humans r so petty, so forgetful. We at times how much at one time we wanted something so much....when we have it, we could take it so for granted. And.....prepare urself for wanting something, as when u most want it, it will be on ur plate, yet......also prepare to prepare ur heart to give thanks to what U want, coz it's important to have gratitude.....most of us dont get it. :)

Facelift of Hong Kong

Even though I kinda live in the middle of HK,\ - in terms of buzz and fuzz. I rarely know what's happening around here.....for e.g., I lost my Times SQ cinema, until much later, then floods of unknown mainland chinese standing on the street - NOT SHOPPING....what the heck they are doing there!? Today, I walked past causewaybay and I could feel HK is changing too fast, this time it's too fast! In the past, we kept changing coz we want to be more cosmopolitan, more international.....now everything is changing for the rich mainland....frankly it's perfectly fine, for the group of 30's to 40's....we got a glimpse of old HK, and we got a glimpse of pre 97 HK, and got a glimpse of post 97......and we are still striving. I feel we musthave something to say!!!

So I am going to start another blog and will invite few of my frenz, be it hk local, or whatever....as long as U want to pen down ur views towards the changing of HK, be it chinese, japanese, english or arabic, I welcome you. Of coz, U need to at least contribute at least 3 articles....

tick tick tic k......lemm think think. I want to save the memory we once had.....and still have....and we can pass them on to the post 80's or post 90's....ok, let me start inviting first. And will keep everyone in the loop!

when given and taken hv been a mis-up

Give & take, universal rule for balance.
But
no one wud tell me their bosses hv given them more than enough.
when bosses give, they r determined to take
and it's the normal rule, normal society game

but who wants to be taken without given?
Who can endure the feeling of always giving out and never given back, so should we just be giving up or just giving in!?

Taken....taken by surprise with goodies is great, constantly, I have been taken to this dirty corner to feel pain.....it's too much for me, getting too much......lately, constantly I cant breathe, I feel the needs to vomit, I feel beaten......

so, I want to go away, not stay here....be a real bird being free from cage....

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get it, if U r lucky....

I am a man's gal, as someone says....it's true. I am indeed a man's gal. I practically have hard time talking to women....as they r petty, competitive (with no grounds)......and....etc etc. And someone shares with me......after a almost 2 decades of marriage, he finally realized that his ex spouse treated him like shits and the thing is....I said to him....it's fantastic U realized "u allowed her to treat u like shits". I dont un us. I dont un humans.

Why....we r so caught up with torture?! We love to be in pain......well, most I guess. All of U r going to disagree with me, but spend 3 days with me, tell me your stories, I can 100% be sure.....I am going to scoop out your pain! Many a time, we wud say - I am being responsible, I am just fulfilling duty, I am just being a good person......in this world, if one doesnt luv oneself, nobody is genuinely gonna luv u. I think all the merits are great, but........when we cud never get outta it (tell me, really? U cant? they cant? I cant? and why....why some pple can!?!?!?!), we r trapped in within.....I dare say, we dont deserve to be happy.

How many humans r happy??? We all know certain theories and thoughts.....but we r not happy. I am never a happy person, for many years when I was in my 20's, I always asked - what's happy? I dont un....really....how cud one say one is happy? I cud never say I was happy. But as gradually, I developed a high EQ persona - ah Q (from a chinese author's character), I gradually have been drawn closer to happiness, though, I still cant say I am happy person - but I am a hopeful person, with very good regenerating system as I explain to my frens.

 

Why I cud say I am a fairy tale gal?! As no matter how broken I have been, I always find ways to mend them back......I then wud keep on hving hope for the best, for the perfection. I think this is a superhero ability......hahahaha........I dunno how I cud be like this, but I believe I always see things from afar. When I was young in my 20's, I always consoled myself by telling me - hey after 10 years U looked back at this moment, U wud laugh at yourself. So do you want to laugh at yourself so much?! If no, then dont do it.......of coz I am not that rational, but it helps me to create this ah Q persona.

 

Then, I talked about compartmentalization to my fren again last nite, eventhis term was extracted from Alias the TV show, yet......in order to heal oneself faster, U need to develope compartmentalization. Imagine.....U r just using one brain, but..../now with 4 comparrtments, U r actually using 4 brains. So, if onebrain fails or broken.....use the other 3. U cud heal the damaged brain-part much faster.

Ok.....my freaking singer fragrance brand is awaiting me.../YUCK........../

HK Tally

Thanks to Bruce, he reminded me, what the heck!? No entry...?! since May 3rd....really? since so long.....why time flies so fast!??????? I always say, whoever says whatever I said "time flies so fast" is an idiot, so yes I am an idiot too. Coz time doesnt fly but speed us or fade us by.

It's been a really busy and emotional month, and when I was supposed to go home finish my 3 plans last nite - I decided I shud hv a drink with my fren. A gal.....who is indeed luving beauty with her being, all her cells. As I compare, I really dont coz I spend less than 5 mins in front of mirror most of the time in a day.......but I think knowing what U luv is so important, even it means U want to go do plastic surgery tastefully. yes that's the term - tastefully or just plain deliciously. Many galz or even guyz in Asia wud go for facial reconstruction - yet they wud just choose, no.1 eye lids, no.2 nose (guessed I mentioned before), to me IT HAS NO TASTE. Even U r darn pretty at the end from a horribly ugly being!! But do it tastefully means U just fine-tune some imperfection, then well, if that makes u happy, go do it.

So will I do it? Absolutely! Pple always ask me if I wud do any PS. Esp bf...dunno why they always ask if I wud like to have boob augmentation. Frankly.....mine aint that small for HK galz....And also I dont like big boobs, for few reasons.....from a practical and logical pt of views. E.g. 

1. I like fashion......believe me, hving big boobs cant wear most fashion unless U hv very very slim long legs.

2. They r fucking heavy....wait till U have pre-menstrual syndrome, they are like 2 water melons

3. lets be realisitc too.....how many minutes a week I am going to be standing up naked!?!?! As u kniow....when u switch off light, all boobs look the same.

well.................

hving said that, I un why men like, coz they r all mommy boys. hahahahahaha

As for me, yes I would do sthg related to boobs....guess boobs augmenting pointnification. hagaahaha....................that's not even the right term. Frankly, I like my size,sometimes I wud look at myself and tell myself...."hey, caged bird, U r pretty great". But as age comes, we cant help but must admit......if U do hv boobs, U r gonna hv dropping boobs. And I find that to be super unsexy, so I want pointy boobs................hahahaah....pointnification.....:D

Actually, last nite I had a very gd inspiration but as my work crammed too much of my brain cells, so I totally forgot what I wanted to say, except there was an impression. So this morning, I woke up real early and while sitting in the toilet.....I recalled my impression, despite it's kinda abstract hazy - I just remembered, I praised myself again....hey u, U hv such a great mind. How could you come up w something but totally forgot about it and then mesmerize at your own impression of the lost inspiration.

Anyhow...I will keep up.....HK, do read me. :D