I hate that....

When that crazy Eric called me at MN, and I missed his call.
Shits...not sure if he got bad news for me from the company.
Anyhow, prepare the worst!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Called him back, he didnt pick it up.
Guess he must be making devil plan in his head.
ASSHOLE.

But I just hope that he pressed the wrong number. Whereby, actually, he always sent the wrong email to me.
LETS HOPE.
I cant take in more bad news.
it's a time for good news.
I want GOOD NEWS.
GOOD NEWS PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

The thing is I feel so agitated inside.
Tjis shitty asshole always brings bad news.
ALWAYS.
I really need to find a job so I can quit this shithole once & for alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
But though I really still want to continue what I am doing
Universe, Gods, SAVE ME FROM THIS AGITATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNN

A habit is not a need

I just start to really luv his quotes and read his books.

Paulo Coelho -
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

You know, it seems human race is more driven by habits than needs. I try not to be trapped in such, but the fact is I AM very much in the core of many habits.

I dont need coffee but I drink it, reasons? nothing to drink so I drink coffee, and of coz I prefer its taste more than maybe lets say - Milo.

I dont need alcohol esp I dont actually like it but I will order many till I am drunk when I am out. Reasons? It's kind of stupid asking for soft drinks when the bars would charge you 10, 15 times more than you got from 7-11.

I dont need to shower but I have to coz I would smell. But think about it, in cavemen time, they got no soap but they were sensitive. Apart from less scent distraction, do you think it's possible that one's own pheramones or smell would be the catalyst of  ascending subconsiousness? The most deteriorating of our 5 senses, I would have to say is SMELL, coz we are so intoxicated by the present air. Yet.....I many a time would love to understand more about our olfactory system as it stores alotta memories or recalls. A scent is dead-on, irreplaceable but selective (I think).

I dont need to miss someone, but it has become a habit.

Despite hating & feeling disgusted by it, I admire people who could cut a habit and recognizing his actual needs - though the reasons of need could be something stupid, like need of sleep, need of being lazy - yet he could make a step changing his pattern, breaking off an essence of habit.....I admire such people.

I hope I could achieve what he said. Nothing is irreplaceable. It's so true, yet, more you know how it could be replaced, more you dont want. O well, It's but just a Habit of Stupidity & Procasination.

:)

Being Butterfly

Not once in my life, many say I am actually a butterfly. 

A social butterfly.

A metamorphic butterfly.

Butterfly personality.

Come & go like a butterfly.

Floating like a butterfly.

I think, I am actually a butterfly, apart from being "reptilian" from Orion.

As I glanced through my pics from young, I indeed look very different. It's not just being nerdy when I was young. I just really changed. I dont think I could recognize myself if I could go back in time machine. And I think, I should start to forgive my old frenz or family, how they couldnt even talk to me anymore. I mean, I dont just change, I have become another person.

Not sure if you read up paranormal stuff. There are few kinds of hybrids, one is called starseed (I believe it;s me), the other is walk-in. My witchy astrology friend was a walk-in. I think I have been walked-in many times then.....I think once this group of "weird" people did tell me - people like me would change every 2 years and there would be no way for them to recognize me again. 

I guess, to others is very threatening. For me, I have lived with many of my problems & flaws for so many years, I sometimes dont even know it if I dont pause a moment & think. Esp, when I am uploading some pics of my past & present to picasa - I realize, I couldnt actually recognize the "me" in the picture, also I realize I look like a cat.

My god, I am just blahblablahhhhh............becoz my mind is so empty nowadays. I just want to yack something so.....to make my synapses work again. Ummm, I did make a wish yesterday that I would meet someone challenging & mind provoking soon. I need some renewal again. I have been in cocoon for sometime.....and I want to breakthrough the nutshells again & fly out a prettier & smarter butterly.......

:)

SCREAM

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH just want to scream
SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
HATE what I am doing
and need wisdom to get out
lack of brainwave to know
powerless inspiration
FERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

PEWH. Thanks.
I hate all the guyz called ERIC. 

Wow, another 30 somthing

.........hehe, entries, I will hit 400 entries
which, I gotta say, 95% of my stuff is so bullshit.
I hvnt got the mood to write lately
so I resort to photo blogging on iphone now
I suddenly feel this cageless bird blog is a drag
I want to open another one with more exclusive limited viewing
though, I think.....I only have 1-2 readers here

I want to start something more provocative
more crazy
more erotic blog
I mean, really, put what I think inside
anyhow, I hv been naked basically this year
why not!?!?! huh!!??????

Seriously, I felt like being stripped clean, robbed naked these few months
my mind has become so stale that
I mocked at every word I spoke
I hate my stupid slow mind
I dislike my powerless brainwave

It's like my neurons can no longer synapse
there isnt any chemical, there's lack of neurotransmitters to transmit
does it mean I need to take on some dopa
or just dope

I hate this feeling
I hate slow mind
I cant even joke about anything
I am supposed to hv quick wit, but I am lacking so badly lately
I find myself becoming like a boring person
I need some electric shock
in the past, I wud hop on a plane & go somewhere
just to somehow to shock myself alittle bit in diff way
now, I cant
The only excitement I have is I can shoot tequila
hehehehe
yes................when it efferescents from the throat back to the tongue
the kick was amazing
i suppose U got that from whisky too, but I hate malt

Full stop of my bullshit
I am just hysertically calm nowadays
YUCK!

Feel Like 1000 years old

I always know I am an old soul, but still think I am kinda new old soul. But lately - actually today.......my "tiredness" of things (not exactly entirely negative - but I got no words to describe it) has made me feel that I am already 1000 years old. Not exactly wiser, not exactly tired - but I started to see some understanding of things. Maybe more forgiveness. Less patience for things dont deserve me. But I am not sharpened yet. Still got long way to mould. I cant say I am excited. But a strange feeling. Like yesterday as I said, I felt da me is coming back soon. And one sign of Da Me is back is that I didnt sleep the whole night until now.....it's the Da Me trait. I think I am really workaholic, when there are things I want to achieve, I can go without sleep. It's abit crazy but it's kinda my way too. It';s the Da Me. Period.

Very strange things too - as I am feeling old soul within, as I look back my old pictures..........I actually kinda look younger than before. Even my stylist told me that. Is it some kinda reverse, like the movie by Brad Pitt....U kinda grow up in reverse (cudnt recall the movie name).....weird. Of coz I could see sign of old age - some fine lines, etc etc...........o well, maybe better camera now. haha

Da Me

I was talking to my "life analyst" over the phone as I gotta update him my situation. Actually, lately I feel in somewhat, da me is coming back, but still I could feel I am now in a river, tied with a string, a small string.....I am not back on land yet. However, I am focuzing to find the me back. And as he said, i would know when I would be back. And indeed, I somehow am so in touch with myself, I could even tell how well I speak of a joke or a thought....lately not so good, but better than past 2 months, I suppose. 

So today, somehow a british guy who wanted to date me for a year....hahhaahahah.......surfaced on a chat. Honestly, I am not interested in him but it's flattering someone could remember you after so long without contacts, at least 4 months I guess. I think he said something he found me awesome being so upfront about many things, I said, yes I am intriguing. But the fact is, u know, I am tired people saying they like me coz I am honest, open & upfront........honestly speaking, I think people cant handle honesty. It's a trait people desire after but do not want it at all.

I hope Da Me is back on soon. I miss the hilarious ME. I miss the crazy ME. I dont care if people would luv me coz I am that outerspacey hilarious, crazy & honest anymore. I dont think anyone even needs to think why they can luv me or not, I am just so darn super gigantic wonderful person....why the freak I need to care if people wud luv me, as many would, few cant is fine, rite? I mean even just me luving me is totally enough, who can say they hv at least 1 person who can luv one unconditionally????

I WILL BE BACK - Terminator.

Weird Dreams

I think, really, first thing one should do is to record their dreams if they could remember. I havnt been diligent about it but I did have vague memory of 2 dreams.

I realize that many of my dreams have something to do with water, guess maybe my star sign is of water. This recent dream, I couldnt recall the specific, but the only thing I remember, instead of running across a highway, I gotta swim across a highway of river - inside which many giant fish looking like some greyish whales....but they were not exactly the fish that I know of. Somehow, I just gotta swim across it. 

Anyways, apart from water monsters, underrwater training, this is another one related to water. It's good I am not of fire sign.....hahahahaah

Second one was last night. I dreamt I was in this apartment - kinda old with old furniture. While I was playing around with my date, he told me he didnt like my place. It's old. So I said coz it's so cheap, I just needed to rent it.....he said everywhere is dust, but I was fine as I didnt have allergy.....keke. Then next scene was at a dinner party - somehow they were all rich people. Another guy came to me and said - u know what. I could transfer the stock share to you since your flat belonged to the listed company - I said, wow, could you do that? He said, of coz he could.......lol...alternate dimension, people still wanted to benefit me. Then another guy came to me, should be my date or a friend....I couldnt remember, he said, U gotta move. I said, well, I got no money to move, and he said...I would pay for you. Then I started to tell of the ghost story and people were gathering around me in aweee.....................kekekekekekeke

I think in the alternate dimension of me, I was also experiencing financial problems, but the "she-me" was lucky as she knew all the rich guyz. keke

American Documentaries

I mean, they always have intriguing topics - Nostradamus Effect. But the material is so shallow and repetitive, but what got me interested was the anti-christ part, whereby nostradamus prophesied something interesting, e.g. Hitler - Napolean, etc........Kinda browsing abit on Hitler. It's amazing how he could create a social-cult in such short time, while, actually a jewish oracle prophesied to him that he wud become a chancellor , but later of coz murdered by him. At his suicide - he chose 30 Apr, coz it's like the "ghost door open" date as in our 7-14 chinese custom..........

Then was kinda intrigued by Issac Newton too. He was very diligent in deciphering the bible code, and actually his documents were surfaced sometimes ago (maybe 50 yrs ago?) - yet he was an alchemist. Isnt it abit strange that in somewhat....as I am reading some doc or books lately - alchemy always has some association with the bible in somewhat. And U know, I am good at chemistry and ie why I got very intrigued by the term alchemy before I knew what it meant - never thought of turning lead to gold, but I think turning things to things isnt the real practice & desire behind.

Intriguing!

Addicted yes....

I am addicted to TV, as many know. Actually, I never rely on any form of drugs because I can easily get addicted to everything. Well, now I am addicted to this link  as I can watch many shows - UK shows, US shows, Talk shows, even discovery channel, documentaries, etc..........I luv british accent very much since last year, hence I am browsing through shows that ideally have it. Anyways, brits tend to have more of the documentary types into the ancient worlds, another of my search & favourite as some of you know. I was watching Ancient world, ancient discoveries, celtish britan....etc LUV it.......

And what thrills me most is of coz it's great seeing all these documentaries, but also as they go along, I can do research....such as I am reading up on Augustine.....i was reading kabalah as well....then some other names etc, trying to enhance my common sense, which I have to say I have none.

This is the link:

http://www.watchseries-online.com/

I am currently catching up on:

1. White Collar

2. Bones (starting to really luv the show, the female lead kinda reminds me of Monk)

3. Gossip Girls

4. NCIS

5. Supernatural

6. .....

7.....

Forget what else I am watching, as hv been looking up on the ancient world thingie......^^

Enjoy!

Different Group of Friends

Last night, I talked to my high school friend for hours. Actually, she's the only high school friend I am still talking to.  And we were laughing coz it's like we were back in high school talking nonsense but we are willing to listen to the....kiddo-est things we gotta say.

I mean, I could always be myself 95% of the time with my frens. Yet, I realize, there's some so so so kiddo stuff that I cant even open my mouth to say it out, except to this high school fren. I luv her......

Then makes me come to think of it, maybe I mentioned it before, so basically I am repeating myself. We need different groups of frenz to make our net secured. I really think we cant just have one kind of best frenz, but multiply kinds. And truth be told, I am always blessed with great & cool frenz. And rgd best frenz, I actually have quite a number. I dont think for best frenz means I gotta tell them everything....different people cant accept different things, esp for a drama queen like me.

However, the quality of being my best friend is -

We gotta mutually respect each other, accept without prejudice. I know rest assured that he or she would be there if I need them, and vice versa. If it's something really urgent, I can call them 3am in the middle of the night and I know they would fly taxi to see me. (it never happens - I believe unless I am sick, I wouldnt call anyone at 3am.....hehehehehe). Though, I do recieve msg when my best frenz are drunk. Same, I would send msg if I am drunk at 3am to....my best frenz only. Somehow, when we grow up, we dont disturb people without reasons.

And I feel I am blessed with many great frenz whom we could cover various topics from UFO, Ancient Civilisation, Bible, Spiritual, Love Affairs, Business, Bullshits, Karaoke.......hohoho. Yes common frenz could be in these categories too, but mine are not....we could share the above plus other things. And I know, if they are not going smooth, they can come to find me anytime, and same here me to them.

Again, I luv U my frenz, My dudes, My galz.....MUahhahahaha

Sometimes we all get tired

One way or another.

Maybe waiting for a chance.

Waiting for a bus.

Waiting for the doctor.

Waiting for someone to change their mind.

Waiting......

I have been waiting alot....really.....I am not a 100% patient person.

But people who know me well know I am very impatient, yet very patient for things that are worthy of my time.

Like my sis kids. I was quite patient with their education.

For my ex-es, I was too.

For my life...maybe work....ummm...yea, ok......70%

I was telling Mr Pasta last nite, how I would send off my ex-es. hehe, he found me really weird.

E.g. before I broke up with my ex-es, I would - find a church for him if he's a christian; or if he was jobless, I would advise him and pass him some freelance; or he was social handicapped, I would force him to build the network and make some frenz first.

It's abit nutty doing all these things. But I couldnt NOT do it. It's not like they are all the best merited guyz on earth, but somehow I need to clear my conscience. Ie me. My conscience is so important. I do agree with the preaching - we all have the soul within to discern right & wrong - I think it's the conscience I am talking about. 

Sometimes, I do get tired with myself and lose sight of it. Like the scam few months ago, I think it's my responsibility to suck it up. I was ignoring my conscience. Many times we could be blinded. really. When we are kind of lost. Esp with a bit of my impulsiveness - I kinda got squinted, things become dreggy.

Esp someone told me, innately I am an antenna - ummm............to upstairs, so Id better check myself, examine myself more. I am abit scared, honestly. I want to be an angel, not an antenna. :( It seems things become so heavy for me now.....very hard to understand what I am talking about now, unless I could tell you face to face the whole story. Yet, it's like a long TV soap opera, some say about my stories, it's always episode after another episode with more dramas, more climax, heheheheh..................(I swear, I dont want it gahhhhhhh) !!

I believe this year is really a time of learning acceptance & awakening. To identify the difference between peace at heart vs blinded conscience. Anyhooos, I think.....whatever it is, it worths the journey.

By the way, I need different people to visit me in June, at my place....actually I have been arranging different frenz coming here every week.......somehow I feel this place needs more people. As the whole floor, I am like the only person....hehe....do bring tequila, I can serve coke zero & yummy juices!! ^^

Shit.

I think I lost a post......it was a post with alotta gratitude inside. Anyone read that?? I lost it. Couldnt find it....arghhhjjhhhhhh

My roomate

I had a fun conversation with my back-in-Mel-days roommate on YES...........WHAT'sAPP. Best app ever!!!!!!!!!! APPALAUDE!!!!

WA brings me tears at times, but it surely brings me closer to some of the frenz who have it, even with my sis. E.g. My sis needed my advice on her nite gown, and she sent me 6 pics choose. Anyways, of coz I picked what fit her the best, and wanted to take the rest away from her. hehe....who can offer better advice than me on fashion?? :P

(actually I am out of touch with fashion, I am very very back to basic kinda gal now. And I feel if you could bring out the fashion SMELL from basic, U r a guru. hehehe...ie how I am sculpturing my sense of being and my pheromones now, yes. hehe.)

You know. 90% of people comment they prefer people to be honest & frank. The fact is, 90% of of these 90% cant actually take the truth. And among the 90% of the 90% of the 90% couldnt take bluntness. But then why people say they prefer honesty. To be honest, among these 90% of the 90% who want honesty ARE not capable of being honest. And then another 50% among the 90% of the 90% can only be the person to act blunt and "honest" but they cant take back the honesty. hehe.

OK, my roomate - E - isnt one of them. She's capable of being honest. And she's capable of taking my honesty and bluntness, at least, mine could be quite straightforward. I learnt not to be too blunt as I know my tone of voice....it's horrible. Even I am lying, I sound like BLUNT - O maybe ie why I could be a good liar. hehe. She is a devoted christian.....I respect her point of views alot, hence I always ask her some silly bible Qs, esp lately as I am re-reading Genesis. To me, there are alot of "flaw".....hehe, of coz she replied some really christian answer but with a sense of WIT.

Yet, I cant deny.....it's very hard to discuss issues with a grounded belief individual. I think, just like if people want to discuss about me - while I already have a fixated pt of views about myself - it wouldnt be an easy task to deal or bush around it to just talk about "ME". We all have walls. Walls being your fixated views about a faith or about a belief.......they are the boundaries. And on the contrary to some of your guesses (despite I am free spirit), I 100% agree in boundaries. These walls are the boundaries.....we cant bounce past them, we can only try to push the boundaries to give us bigger room, bigger space to bounce around them. As I mentioned before, freedom doesnt exist without boundaries. (a very very wise man once told me). Kinda zen....kinda weird......but I agree absolutely.

One more word back to bluntness. I guess it's very hard to execute it, it's simply due to each's perspectives on his own pride or mutual respect. I think....I have strong confidence that E & I have very good mutual respect to each other, though, it doesnt mean we agree on every term, it doesnt mean we could swallow each other's word with the biggest grin on face - yet the honesty was first founded from LUV.

So........ok....seems everything goes back to LUV again.

Cast Away

I need to find the dvd.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162222/

I think.....I was like the character. keke.
In many ways. Taking to a volleyball? :P
I feel like revisiting the movie.................and the moment he was found.

Ummm........long movie, so guess I need to find another good day to sit comfortably, undisturbly to watch with my dogs....^^

Thanks to Guillaume Canet & Mr Funny

I had 2 revelation today. Sorry, listen to me like U r listing to a nut person. But I feel so happy rite now, and I have to say it.

1. I once asked Mr Funny for advice, but he rejected me coz he was tired. haha. He told me, I should go to sleep and have a shower. Dont go shit while thinking, as they will be shitty ideas. Go shower. They will be good ideas. Today......I started to have a fresher idea.....during shower. thanks thanks.

U know how hard it is lately, past 1 month for me to have fresh ideas.........I think I am revived.

2. While watching the movie Last Night, I was awed by Guillaume Canet....by his eyes. This reminds me how much I love to look at people with eyes that can communicate. I remember I once could. At least I felt I could. My eyes have been dead for many years. I looked at the mirror for years, I hated my eyes as they dont talk anymore. I mean....I was not really hating them as much, but more like....I didnt look at them anymore. (that also proves I am not a self-idolizing person...:) ).

OK, GC.....I went on to watch from tudou his earlier movie "Love me if you dare" - yes his eyes again. I luv people who speak through their eyes. Tears r good if U can use tears to communicate emotions....not all kinds of tears r good. Anyways.

Then I look at myself. I have been dead inside for years. I mean, yes, I am still at times inspirational, motivational, challenging, crazy, sentimental, abit intelligent, abit posiitve, abit negative, abit this n that, but all were dead.........I am not sure, but I have this epipphany.

Maybe, just maybe.......the need of what I gotta go through last month - my broken heart.....was a way to revive my soul, to wake her up.....as I feel I lost her.....for long long time. I remember when I used to go to church or even when I was younger......someone would tell me, if I wanted to grow, I first needed to be broken down first - and there's no WAY to turn back. I would never think and jump to the challenge.

In church, the prayer would be - break me and mold me to be the vessel God wants me to be. Tell you, God did answer my prayers and I was.....shattered into pieces. Anyhow....no need dwell here.

Then in life, my high school teacher told me, if I wanted to know "life", I gotta open the door....and this door could never been shut and there was no turning back ever.

Today, there's no such prayers or opening & shutting doors.....rather, there came a need for me to grow up, a need for me to find back my eyes. The radical modification was for my benefit to redeem my eyes.....how could I see when I have been so blinded without soul? Shits................I am so excited. For tomorrow. For next week. For next month. For next year. I hope this thrill isnt just a thrill.....but awakening for me.

And somehow, my lost soul, despite, lost and abit dead before, she was guiding me to read some good books, she was making me feel weak N vulnerable, yet......a string to attach to my life, to my survival instinct............really, if I never felt my heart was broken into pieces....maybe today I wouldnt see I couldnt see. I am going to sleep..........I want to find back my soulful eyes tomorrow. I will look into the mirror....and see them...........hehehehehe

Sorry, I am really so thrilled and excited. Becoz...............I kinda finally recall what I have been lost. It just gave me goosebumps. :P

good movie nite....

1. No String Attached. Nice...cute....fun.....

2. Last Night......now, rekindle my luv for the frenchie charisma.....
a very dialogue movie....

3. Jeux d'enfants - Love me if you dare
cute, enchanting....^^


I am fulfilled.

Unexpected is good sometimes

OK, my sis lent me this dvd - No String Attached.

NOW, I want someone to spoon me in clothes. hahahaha...dont get it, watch it.
Kinda sweet romantic comedy. Dun get it why Ashton Kutcher could be so cute.....I dont actua;ly find him "cute", I mean he's so tall....and he just has that nerdy kinda cute. Anyways, just cute. Natalie Portman totally acted out how I felt at the last 30 mins of the movie, she's just a wonderful actress.

Amen!

Infinity

Infinity offers you another chance. hehe.
I heard something really nice today. Honestly, if I am more "awakened", I would say something more intelligent, however, now, I am abit dumb, I just recite what I heard.

Sometimes we worry if we will get a second chance
Even infinity moves both direction
it's not singular
........

:)

Bones

Bruce told me he was watching Bones. So after X Files, I took out my Bones and rewatch it, while I am doing my work, or helping my sister correcting her grammar, or reading my book. Still, Bones could make me cry.....shitty me. Really. Not cry, tearful, I should say, esp at this episode about Xmas. The bones they discovered was about a man being murdered - he was white and got a african american gal pregnant in 40's,50's(?). So he was preparing to take her to live in Paris, as at that time, marrying a black in America was not allowed. It's so touching...................:P