Keeping Score for suicidal tendency

It drops from at the very beginning I started the blog 80 to now 40. I think it's a good sign. I started re-arranging my furniture.

I had a feng shui master to check out my place when I first moved in and I am now against all that she advised me. I put the desk at the wrong "feng shui" place now. I reckon, it didnt help when I was putting at the right place, it would be BETTER to put it at the wrong place. I am someone who will mend things that are not even broken yet.

I started swimming, jogging this week. Plus walking my dogs twice. It is a super improvement. Also, I went out during the day to fetch some salad. I think I am on the right path soon.

Yes things are still bothering me. I still couldnt sleep. Like now, I couldnt, it's already 4:42am. If ever I slept before 3 or 4 am, I could always miracalously woken up by my dogs playing poos or having a mock-up drama in my dreams.

I guess, I wont try to change this pattern. I am going to play along with it. Work at wee hours, writing blogs when everyone is sleeping, walking my dogs even streets are deserted.

But, I saw a funny picture when I went out just now. I saw a family carrying a huge "red-white-blue" bag, I think, they are escaping, they are evacuating from their current flat. Who would go with so many luggages at 3am?!!??? Maybe they are actually ghosts!

Collecting Rubbish

Everytime I am trying to clear my desk or home, I always end up throwing away many rubbish bags with many things in them. That makes me wonder why in the first place and right mind - having all those supposedly rubbish lying around me?!?! Am I outta my fucking mind??

I am trying to learn minimalism, but I doubt I could be ever successful in it. Considering - I can only always throw away more rubbish upon rubbish.

To LEO

I am blessed, in my life, with many good friends. I sometimes wonder why they are so steadfast, so kind, so sweet, so loving!!! 

Leo is my very best friend. I honestly dont think anyone could replace him in my life. Good thing, we never dated, hehe. Once and for all to clear all misunderstanding from YOU PEOPLE. 

This blog, as of today, I still havent shown it to anyone yet, except Leo. He gave me the best, constructive comment. As I told him I was abit reluctant to show this to anyone else, as it's abit dark in the content. He just said "I am sure your true friends would love to read it". Together with other things he mentioned, I am abit too shy to say it here, despite I luv bragging. LOL

Anyhows, I want to tell Leo that you have been such a true friend from the 2nd day I knew you (not the first day through the DF4), haha. You have been so supportive throughout these 7 or 8 years (?). You have sat through all my silly teary whinning about my ex, ex, ex........You have heard about all my stupid anger towards humanity such as other frenz, work, etc. You have been my inspiration to move forward. Whenever I think of dying, you are on of the top few that would come to my mind, as I know it would indeed hurt you deeply. Maybe I dont behave like what I am talking above, but you are my family, sometimes even more than that! 

Isnt it lucky for me to have a friend like you? I am so glad that now you are in luv with your dog. We share one more comment trait, amongst others kekkeke things.............:P

Thank you.

Well, I am not yet ready to show this to others. I am not afraid to be judged but I dont want to be misunderstood. My depression phase isnt gone yet, really dont want any things to disrupt my healing process. Sigh, it's gonna take time.


^o^

You cant compare pain

Nough Said. Period.
Dont get it.
Pls wait for another few decades till you drain off all your anti-oxidant in your body, lose all your collagen, finally get rid of all fatty tissues (aka U r DEAD!)
Then re-incarnate to learn about the basic truth AGAIN.
This is the karma you cant kill off this lifetime if U dont fucking get it!

I am going to

I am going to focuz on my diet, my exercise - I AM GOING TO BE SLIM, PERFECT VERY SOON!!

I am going to sleep early - not tonite. I NEED TO BE LESS DEPRESSED!!!!

I am going to work at STARBUCKS, so I spend less on electricity bill.

I am going to walk my dogs at least once a week - THEY WILL HAVE THIER EXERCISE AND I HAVE MINE!!!

I am going to write 3 entries here a week, at least so to MAKE IT INTO A PRACTICE. It's a way to teach my dicipline.

I am going to swim once a week; jog once a week, walk dogs once a week - suppose it's great laaaaa........

I am going to start kow jai.

I am going to finish a book every month. This month is The Alchemist.

I am going to be going to do going to.........

Walking My Dogs

This week, I walked my dogs twice. 

My Lottie is almost 6 month old, I am trying to make her listen to me even not at home.

I always have this pb of controlling dogs or people if we are not kept in the secure place- Home.

E.g. My first dog - BoBo, a Collie. He's the best, most adorable, kindest, sweetest dog ever. He loved me so much. He would follow me everywhere at HOME (only). I went to toilet, he wud wait outside of the bathroom. I studied at my crammed corner, he wud be sleeping under my seat. Whenever I got up, he wud quickly get up just to follow me everywhere, anywhere. 

Yet, he could never obey me once we went out. I still dont know why. He only listened to my sis & dad....O well.

He died almost 10 years ago. I couldnt see him at the end. For this, I was mad with my mom for months. I believed he wanted to see us one last time b4 he drew his last breath. He was trying hard to stay alive, even though time and oxygen were going against him. But from what I was told, he was trying - but my mom was mercilessly letting him die at vet's hand. SHIT. Talking about it make me angry.


I knew about his death weeks after. That made me more mad. My moms said, she was afraid I would be too upset. COME ON! What's the diff??!!! On that night or 30 days later - the effect was the same!


Anyhoos, I thought of him alot since then. I felt very very bad always. Then one day, I had a dream which I believed he gave to me intentionally, from far away in the galaxy. He told me he was fine. He became a human and I gotta not to worry about it anymore. I woke up in tears, but since then I felt relieved. No more guilts.


Sometimes, I believe maybe dogs would love me more than anyone. The only handicap they have is they cant make money, they cant pour tea for me......


Dont you wonder sometimes, why we are all created this way? human or dog.

I LIKE to FORK myself

I came across this late korean supermodel - Kim DAUL. She hanged herself at her Paris apartment. Then realized she had this blog of her own: I like to fork myself.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

I found some similarity between us. Her lonelines, her loss - of coz I wasnt as successful as her at such a young age, 20 yo!! Poor thing, she got lost at 20yo and ended her life.

Oddly, she liked Unbearable Lightness of Being. She felt no landing place on this earth. She was lost. I think she was like me a caged legless bird.

How could I sleep well?

I have insomnia. Or I should say I always sleep at the wrong time, like daybreak.

I try very hard to sleep early, like today, I slept maybe at 1am. Everytime I sleep before 5am, my dogs would do something weird - play with poos or vomit in front of me................I feel so so so so depressed by this. I feel like killing myself as my life is no longer mine. My sleep can never be redeemed. Can I just take medicine that render some sleep??? I wanted to sleep early so I could get up to be more attentive to my work.

I dont know what to do. I cant be positive anymore. I feel like swipped into a blackhole. My breath, my blood, my sweet, my desire, my energy - sucked into it.

Number 23, Old Boy, My tutor friend, Paris-Je T'aime, Eclipse

I am a tv, movie addict.

Number 23 - Initially, it abosrbed my attention as I am a believer of conspiracy theory. However, come to think of that, I suppose when a human is desperate to look for something (maybe correlation, coincidence), we will somehow always manage to find. Ie why I dont believe much in co-incidence.


Jim Carrey is quite good. Not too much trying. He finally looks like a human, even thou, inside he wasnt exactly.

Highly recommended

Old boy - a korean friend recommended me to see this as I mentioned how much I loved the movie-Shiri. I think the actors, the cinematography are fantastic. It was too violent to my flavour though. The script is kinky. I wonder why KR movies always could come up such psychotic plots.

Highly recommended

My tutor friend - arr, it's very boring, I watched this as I wanted to watch back all the Gong Yoo movies, shows. But, not worth to see. So not funny!!!!!

NOT recommended even you are going to die of boredom


Paris, Je T'aime - It's interestingly showing different sides (literally) of Paris. I guess before I would visit Paris again, I would revisit this movie. Since there are many stories within, each catered for maybe few mins each, some of the plots are good, esp the silent ones. However, none left powerful impression on me as yet.

Recommended if you like artsy fartsy or very drama oriented movies

Eclipse - The third installment of Twilight. I think it's the best amongst the 3. But still, the acting sucks at Bella, Edward, Jacob, the main 3 characters, I reckon. But Jasper, Riley characters were more captivating. Sorry to Bella fans, but I feel really really sick everytime she freaking speaks.

Highly recommended if you are looking for action & are in luv with Twi or Edward. :)

cultures affects suicidal methodology

Do you find that lately many people commit suicide. I saw 2 cases around my neighbourhood. I didnt see the action but the covered cloth over the bodies though.

Then, I read from a news about several korean stars committing suicide and I found a strange phenomenon. I could be wrong, but lets try to dissect it from a cultural or behavioural perspectives.

Lets just talk about celeb suicide as it reflects the macroscopic pattern of the population.

In US, the most you hear would be overdose and gunshots.

In HK, jumping & gas suoffocation (not sure of the correct terminology) 

I suspect Japan would be similar as HK, though I know nothing much about JP celeb, or maybe they rarely kill themselves.

In Korea, hanging. (http://www.hancinema.net/factbox--chronology-of-south-korean-celebrity-suicides-24040.html)

US - it shows how abused people are on drugs or medication. Lets blame it on FDA. I dislike FDA becoz they would almost never pass any alternative therapy such as herbal medicine for curing people ailments. I suspect if not 100%, it would be 70% americans are on some sorta medication. People are so "lied" by the so called modernization such as western medicine. Anything is a fast fix just like fast food chains covering the whole continent - Mcdonalds, KFC, Wendys.....

And of coz, everyone could have a gun over there is just obvious choice for killing oneself. And in the first place of having a gun is to protect oneself. It goes back to how much self denial this nation may be facing.

HK - Leslei Cheung HK beloved star killed himself by jumping off from Madarin Hotel. And some others too. I am not sure why people want to jump. I guess they believe it's the surely winning way to die. It talks about the praticality of Hong Kong people. And SPEED too. However, I also feel they have a revenge feeling to it. It's kind of like a display. Showing your everything to everyone. I believe those who choose this way to die has some revenge thing going on while I suspect, only speculate, that it's very likely they have someone in mind that they hate alot. HK people are not happy people. We are always crammed in a small physical or personal space setting. Would they feel more free to choose this way? I dont know, really.

 

By gas suffocation, I think those who choose this way coz they got  so depressed to a point that to them, there's no way out  A crammed situation magnifies this. And of coz the many many incidents of people who manage to kill themselves in the newspaper everyday. Though, I suspect, they didnt actually want to die - they could be very well hoping that someone would have opened the door to air the area.

In KR, very very oddly, it seems like most of them hang themselves. I wonder why. Would it be becoz they are so insecure that they need to do it at home? Are koreans insecure people? Or just becoz they so uplift the family values? I suspect both. However, from the link above, I feel KR people may be very alone. They are an island, with rising recognition. Honestly, this is a lonely feeling becoz U are not here or there (ie not japan, but also not africa). I believe it will take time for them to adjust, to find their position.

Apologize if my views are disturbing or inaccurate as I didnt do this based on research. But more like a thought driving me to think of these. 

Surprising Two Days

For one, I laughed like I never laughed before. Like a pig.

For two, I lost my virginity. Again.

On Friday, I went to see Eclipse with Janet. By the way, Riley (aka Xavier Samuel) looks awesome in the movie. He's the best young actor in the twi-cast I gotta say. How did I manage to laugh like a pig? U gotta be there to know, but I still try to tell.

There's a scene whereby Victoria & Edward were fighting. And in this movie, vampires "got killed" like breaking the ice. Shattered! Anyhoos, Ed killed Vic by breaking her into icy-pieces. Everyone should know how vamp could get shattered as there were many scenes prior to this finale already done the shattering. Anyways, everyone was absolutely silent and surprising at that very moment, no movie music at all. BUT a freaking woman GASPED  through her windpipe. IT was just kinda maybe next to me. I STARTED fucking laughing hard. I should say WE. But for me, I was trying to control. The more I controlled the more I fucking laughed to a point, I was laughing like a pig being slaughtered....giiigiiihahahahgiiigiihahhahaha.........

Man, I kept thanking her for the next few hours because I hadnt laughed like that for the past 2 years, or maybe the last 20 years!!!! I laughed for maybe at least 10 mins. Seriously, I never laughed.

OK, the second.

I lost my worldcup virginity to Benji. My mom is going to be mad at me. I never in my life sat through a soccer match. NEVER. I hate matches, competition. Hate it with gutz. I never even once sat with my mom for more than 5 mins to any kind of a race. 

I was touched by Benji's enthusiasm as he couldnt get a glimpse of the previous race at LKF. So we went to The Flying Pan. By the way, best place in town for a TV screen. I honestly didnt watch that, we were there like from 12:30 till 5ish am. I was actually webbing the net the whole time, basically the 2hrs++ race, until the last moment whereby they gotta  tried to shoot balls one by one to see who won. I GOT SO NERVOUS by it. I almost wanted to duck out. I hate this expectancy, this hype. Now, I understand why I hate soccer. 

People, PEOPLE get hurt, becoz other people push, kick, slap, punch the other PEOPLE. I hate to see the violence. I think soccer is violent. I hate all kinda of violence. HATE.

But thankfully I gained 3 things from these few hours. I believe Benji now would think of me as a close fren, afterall I lost my worldcup virginity to him. Second, I managed to use up all my iphone battery to read the late Kim Daul blog (http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/). Third, I now understand why Soccer is so mesmerizing to people and the thrill to them is excruciatingly exciting!

Suicide

I saw a news about this Korean star hanging himself. It took me to some trance. What if, I could do the same. It took me to remember some of the ways people who committed suicide.

Yeah, I may not show this blog to anyone. It's just so saddening some points.

I have lost my way. I am not sure how to find my way back again. Everything seems so far and distant. I dont want to see anyone anymore. I dont even want to take care of my dogs. They only give me more chaos in my life. I just want to cut myself off from this life. It';s not about having a difficult life. It's about being hopeless, strengthless, happyless............too lonesome to be alone, to have no one to see you through. Not talking about a bf. Having a bf, esp the useless kinds only add on more sad outcomes for you. There's no fond memory to cling on to miss someone. There's no triumph moment to remember by that to believe you could make it through. There's ONLY memory that I cant have. It's horrible.

Looking out to the window. Wondering what I would be thinking before I hit the ground.

I think it's the mose lonesome feeling when you try to take your life. That moment of desperation, leaving what you think you love but you cant handle anymore. The weeping within. The tears without. The clarity coming out from confusion has helped one make the final step.

It's Enough!!!

I have promised myself for days, weeks, months, this depression thing has to go. I think today may be the beginning it may go.

I really need to go somewhere. Now thinking of doing the cheapest way to Yunnan. I just need to get abit carried away. My heart sinks big time. I couldnt make myself do anything.

In search for my coffee prince

Lately, I have turned into average HK gal, watching korean tv drama. I have no shame of admitting that, as afterall I am just a woman wanting to be in love too. These stories really suit my fire within. Have some laughs, some tears, some touching moments........

I couldnt help but fall in love with the coffee prince characters. He's so adorable, sweet, abit of arrogance. But if U know me well, I love arrogant people. HAHAHA. I could actually mix well with arrogant people, not the snobbish kind, just those with characters, own thoughts with a pitch of arrogance.

Someone would say prince doesnt exist. I dont know why until now I still believe I may meet mine. The thing is I just dont know when. hehe.....let me dwell in the pool of his luv (in the drama) that could already warm my heart a little. :P

Alone

It's not a bad feeling.
I am though in depression months. It's been at least few months being in a serious state as I really dont know how to solve the problems in front of me. I think maybe I have to give up my messiness and find a job. Maybe I am amount to nothing. I hate this thought.
I am not sure if I am going to share my blog with anyone as this is sometimes too depressing.
Where are my wits?? Where are my strengths??
I think many people may think I miss my ex. To be honest, yes, he's one of my depressing fuel. Why the heck I would waste my 3 years with such a jerk?? I couldnt fathom. This makes me so depressed now, really, depressed now. Maybe I should look onto the bright side, but my energy has used up. I am not sure how to look to the bright side.
All my life, I am just giving excuses over another. If I could use the same motivation of making excuse and channel it to my life, I think I am already a rich woman. Maybe I should have a private jet already. Yes I am an arrogant brat. I like it that way.
But lately I couldnt even bring myself to brag about my nothingness. Shit, I could do so well in it.
My god, what has happened to me? I am so tired. So out of energy. So out of everything. My life is like a breeze that just got blown away by the hurricane. It's so depressing, isnt it?

WHY?

Some said I should write a book. I think I should write five. So, well, 2 days before my bday, maybe I should do something, to write something. I dont know why my friends have such faith in my brain suggesting I should do a book. Maybe I have always been a nutjob.

Abit about myself. I am indeed pretty intelligent. But it's not earth bound, I believe. What does it mean? Hell only knows. I am quite funny. But I was named the stupidest in the family with no sense of communication skills. I am quite pretty. Though, I have no bf now and doesnt seem I could win Miss Hong Kong by any chance.

Honestly, does it matter who a person is? One thing for sure, I love living with my dogs. I dont love them, love them. Basically, I dont love anyone, anything. I just realize recently, I am such a detached almost non-earth human. Horrible, isnt it? No, it's the fact N truth. People just dont dare to admit it.

Shit, I am all about this again. Dare or not dare. Special or not special. Sorry. Yes it sums up about me.

THIRTY-EIGHT!

YES, I am turning 38 in 2 day's time. I never worry much about being old. I never really care about youth vs aged.

But lately I am. Because I want to be crazily, inevitably, uncontrollably, fucking in love.

When you are 18, you never think you will turn 28.
When you are 28, you believe you would be something by 38.
When you are 38, you wonder why you couldnt be 28 again.

I never wanted to turn back the clock. But now, I do. I wish I could have loved once during my 20's. What did I do? I couldnt recall. I just wasted time on non-loving relationship as I was so ignorant or I should say insecure about myself. I hope one day I could dwell more on the topic of insecurity. It happens to everyone, but it;s not a superficial thing. It's a deep-down issue, very likely, you could never dig it through. Ie why this world is full of ignorant, non self-aware beings, as they dont even know there's a pit to dig. But they are the smartest people on earth.

Where as for me, I am stupid in taking the time to dig, yet this is the only way for me to survive.