Certain searches for a spotful mind

My mind is filled with pokkadot....pokkadot mind. 

crazy.

messy.

Screamy.

Yelly.

It;s meaningless to ask why.....or whatever. So I just shut up and let my mind be filled with pokkadots.

I dont like woman boss

I once swore I wudnt work under a woman boss. See I ate my word and now I suffered. haha

Well, actually....I feel beaten up as normally after a while, I get what a boss wants. If I could please him or her, then I can have freedom to hv many other things. Ie what I call...building trust and understanding the people above or below you. To me, it's critically important. But this one - I am abit at loss. I feel so stupid, how come after 3 mths I still dont get her. She doesnt seem like a complicated woman. Actually.....I realize, I could get complexity and complication rather than simplicity. Maybe....she's just a simple mind woman. Aiiii....I feel defeated, as I am always very proud of this part.

OK, I am determined, I must explore a way to "please" her enough so I could be free.

Quotation 3

Continue on from.....

http://birdwnolegs.blogspot.com/2011/09/quotation-2.html

1. This, I posted on FB.
Nothing is crazier than knowingly falling in love.

2. Humans need pattern of habits more than pattern of love.
So may I say, we are basically primitively caveman? And May I say, I am actually  a wild cat.

3. I study pattern so I dont actually live in pattern.

4. More I ponder, more I dont understand time.
Time numbs or heals a person depending how you look at it. But time also makes us think we have time......so I would say time is very dangerous adversary of human kinds.

5. if you study astrology, you would know we have water, earth, wind and fire sign.
Fire is the most non-dangerous sign, even it seems most invasive.
Water is the most dangerous sign as it can kill everything - earth, wind and fire.
And water is the only element that can change state - from ice to aqueous, from liquid to gaseous. Hence, if you are with a water sign, you could see that they could boil you or they could froze you. Yes, I am of water sign.....and so I do all sort of constructive and destructive things depending on my water state.

today isnt a good day so I vent

haha, I am crying at office....long time never did, and never really cried much, or maybe I cried too much. I have some epiphany. Of coz I am crying not coz someone scolded me or something. I think on some level, I feel really hurt by something....maybe it's just a trigger, but then snowballed from something knotted from the past, it's like uncontrollable.

Yesterday, I had this idea.....I am indeed hving some form of superwoman spirit. I want to save the world......or be nice.....or change people....I once did fantasise its my role on earth. However, even though my own metamorphosis has been pretty drastic, I always feel I am not perfected enough....I dont hv the skill to do it. So I decided .... maybe by influencing others in little ways, I could make the world better. Just by changing pple mindset....in little ways, maybe I could change the world's thinking system. So I am seriously quite dedicted to do it. Maybe abit on blog, abit on FB, abit on close encounters......etc etc.

Then, sometimes I feel pple who are close to me, at the end somewhat.....I know they have changed. Chnaged to better, maybe stronger......my ex-es....all same...I let them go from my palms once I know they r in their own frame, the rite direction. Not that I will lead them, but more...sometimes a step better makes life slightly easier. Actually one at times had anxiety attack.....I was there. Then another one, becoming more intune with himself, etc etc. Though, I am a nutcase.....I sometimes want someone to be there to see the best in me and to indeed uncover it......Yet....all of them appreciate me with negative comments....all wud say I am arrogant, insensitive, impatient, crazy, imbalance.........at the end

I think I have always carried such wounds w me....I mean I am not a saint, yes I am indeed all of the comments they comment about me.....hhahahaa....but I wudnt expect that as parting gifts.

And yes about yesterday.............I did my own little angel work by interviewing 2 little galz. I have so much compassion for people...I dunno...how I wish they could be all under my wings so I can help them according to each personality. I indeed want to raise a sharp army somewhat....anyways, at the end, one said...(esp the one I said...sorry, this jobs doesnt suit u),,,,thank you so much as no one has been so nice in interview and thanks for sharing with me your view and suggestion.

Guess at times, certain things are destined, then it's destiny.

Anyhow, yes I am just bullshitting. It's absolutely boring......sorry.

A bad morning in 2012

Actually it's 2nd morning I feel worse these 3 months, I think it's lucky sign. In almost 90 days, I didnt feel like going to work....really today I dont want to, as it's getting obvious I dont like managing bottomline by someone else....haha....anyways

Just want to blablah as really I feel abit sucky now. I re-evaluate myself.....I think I am doing a pretty good job, though yes maybe I could hv done more preparation but it wasnt enough basis for me to do anything, so now....I feel abit stuck. Anyways.....I hope after 2 buffs, I will be fine.

Life, part of the deals, no rainbows everyday or sunshine every morning. But I wont lose hope.....In btw, really....I was just thinking, in HK, we dont get to see birds migrating or rainbows anymore....when I was young, I would see that pretty often. When stuck in office always like more than 12 hrs a day, at times, I wud wonder if outside does hv other living thing or not.

Anyways....

Love in the PUFF

I got the chance to see the premier, and I gotta say.....Love in A Puff was like all love story sweet and romantic. Then the 2nd one - Love in THE puff, it's more realistic. And the 2 movies are so local with so much cantonese swearing.....it's a must watch if U want a laugh while learning how to swear in cantonese.

The song inside. Sweet......luv it.



When minutes become hours
When days become years
And I dont know where you are
Color seems so dull without you

Have we lost our minds
What have we done
But it all doesnt seem to matter anymore

When you kissed me on that street I kissed you back
You held me in your arms I held you in mine
You picked me up to lay me down
When I look into your eyes
I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I
Im drenched in your love
Im no longer able to hold it back

Is it too late to ask for love
Is it wrong to feel right
When the world is winding down
Thoughts of you linger around

Have we lost our minds
What have we done
But it all doesnt seem to matter anymore

When you kissed me on that street I kissed you back
You held me in your arms I held you in mine
You picked me up to lay me down
When I look into your eyes
I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I
Im drenched in your love
Im no longer able to hold it back

WorkLife

I have been working daily.......since last Sunday........so including next 5 days of the week, I could say I have been working nonstop 14 days......Well, I have no complaint though. Anyways, I realize I am an aggressive person with responsible mindset together with the attitiude on disgusting with "rework" - I hence rather work like a slave. And by achieving, it will soon give me the room to run the side projects I want.....And by reminding myself daily.....I am happily as if sleeping on a cloud. 

OK, back to work......and hope to catch you all soon!!!!!

In btw, I hv watched over 10 movies last week.....even I didnt hv enough sleep. I hope you could find the pleasure or hobbies that U wud rather go without sleep for. For me, I know what!

sex, work and movies

:)

Blank vote

There was a discussion about going to cast the blank vote. As mentioned on FB, I am totally hating those advocating such idea. We have become a city with the mindset to OURNEXTGEN.....whatever we are unhappy or dissatisfied, GIVEUP HOPE! Cast blank vote is a way to protest?????? Normally is......but....to HK population NO. As we always cast blank vote anyways.

Wow.....I am fucking traitor I know. haha

But trully. I dont dislike mainland.............I dont expect them to change overnight, I dont expect them to be non-communistic in 2 years, and I dont expect we will lose democracy at all.

So....why not being positiive and hope for the best. treat the new dude as new CEO....never know, maybe he cud rise upon all odds. hehe.....

unpolitical mind to talk abt politics

Well, I am not into politics.Basically, I dont read news, good or bad. It's so tainted anyways....by the unskilled journalists or commentators. I have no idea why all HK pple are so against everything....they follow on the news or focuz on just one tiny flaw....And yet, I feel....the scary thing isnt CN govt has chosen who to be the head of HK. To me, the scariest thing is how HK people have shifted sides so easily, so following on some ideas without some individulistic mind. I am not exactly saying.....that who or whom is better, rather, I hv no opinion coz I havent been responsible as a citizen anyways. hehe....the Q all HK pple shud ask.....hv they been responsible? They cared now who is the head......but hv they ever really cared??? I think if they really do, they feel upset is fine. Yet.....

It's so ridiculous....to me that they even asked if we ever had a choice to choose!? hahahaah....since being the colony of UK, hv we ever had choice??? Maybe we shud be glad....long long long time ago, we were without choice being cut from the mainland, then governed by another grp of unknown britain pple.......and our lifeline started from there. So now, asked if we ever got a choice? The first dude back in 1997....there was no even any 100o votes. After over 10 years, now in somewhat.....there were some 1000 votes.

And to my opinion. HK pple are not equipped to make votes anyways. few reasons....first we dont think in collective terms and we got no individual mindset. Is being governed by china so bad afterall? Frankly.....my opinion is NO. Second, we dont hv the education to develop a group of great politicians anyways.....we dont hv that vast mind & brain......so, it's fine to protest, but pls protest with some brain cells. I am totally against follow-suit attitude!

At times I feel we are so froggy under the bottom of the pit. And we just know how to make froggy noise. And I dont feel sad whether Leung or Tong has been elected. I feel sad for our population!!!!! What do HK really have anyways!? I would wish HK and CN could work closely and not hating each other......and then everyone has a job with a decent flat to live in. Isnt it what HK pple always ask for, hv food in mouth and a roof for head?

Anyhows, I am not political....and I dont really care. All I care is just me....and my loved ones. As long as we continue to live in this free society......I am pretty fine. So I am sorry....I disagree with HK this time!

another plan

.......I think someone is hving sex somewhere in the bldg, definitely I am hearing a woman, ar ar noise....it's weird, no one is living ard me, and the noise is way too long for an orgasm....I think it's either a woman is being tortured S&M or maybe.....just being boiled with some form of oil, or she's actually doing a very painful lymphatic massage or just a man who likes to watch japanese porno.....I am starting to be sure it's the latter!!!!!!!

hehe

 

yes, my another plan is I must find a way to start compiling a book....or in the form of blog. As mentioned I have close to 1000 entries, and I shud....I guess....not should, but I want to compile to a story. OK....thanks for listening

it has been a stressful week

when I am lying in my bed, my dog is sitting in a position kinda like sleeping, checking out what I am doing. Such times like this, I feel in awe, as how could I establish such an intimate relationship with an animal, yet....maybe I cudnt hv such long lasting rp?? Such serene rp with another human. It's an interesting thought.....

Yes, a stressful week it has been. Some nites, worked till MN, just went to work on a Sunday......lack of sleep and cud only rely on massage to relieve muscle pain.....But I am still investing too much time watching movies, yes I would rather sleep less but keep watching movies. One of the movies I did - The Way. I mean seriously it's a boring movie, about the St James Way, that I did talk about some time ago. And this Camino path has been written about by Paulo Coelho, and another actress whose name kinda slipped my mind, maybe SHirley Mcclaine or sthg....cudnt recall.

I remember, during mid last year, when my suicidal tendency was at another peak, I did try to drive myself to set up a 2 year goal...which wud be, I wud go there. I reckoned....I didnt really want to die but then at that moment, all was pressing until I heard voices in my head. And then of coz, according to medium (a fren's mom in law is one, who did me a favor to read me from afar).......I got 3 spirits attached to me. Anyways....another story........but in order to survive, I made myself to read, to distract myself....and then I made this goal to walk 1 month journey. Until now, I havnt given this thought.....and I am hopeing, my strategy, my plan, my working hard on many things is somehow paying me off by sending me there....or somehow, a spiritual guide wud force me.

Ultimately, I think I want to choose to walk there coz I want to experience true spirituality....or maybe....some form of exertion to my being wud push me to another level. I went through a stage....and I want to go to another stage. Suffering, challenges, success, learnings....are my addiction! I need to constantly have some form of understanding of something.....I guess if I dont have this euphoric feeling of an experience or something, I wudnt be able to keep writing.....now, its hitting 600 entries soon, and lets not forget I have another blog, a personal one that is ard 500 entries, all done within 1.5 to 2 yrs time. The 500 pcs were written within 6 mths......hehe, I am crazy, and I wont deny it. I am obssessive but mostly abouyt myself only. I am not very obsessed with other people.....so maybe some pple feel I am cold and distant....

anyways.................

I am not complaining of stressing out at work, I am actually grateful. I am grateful.......I can now buy coffee anytime I want or choose, I am grateful I have dogs, I have people who would read me here even I may not know who you are, and then I have good frenz, sis and mom who luv gossip with me, and then I do have someone who luv me but we kinda cant be together, then....I have my fingers to type, my brain cells are still pretty active in synapsing.........

Then, as I look ard pple, I dont understand we are always so childish, complaining about everything, about life, about this n that........i am working hard to obtain another spirit, another sentiment that is higher than the famous ah Q in chinese literature......frankly, I hv been living like ah Q 80% of my time.....so I am exploring how I cud be at another level higher than ah Q

anyways.........................................how's everyone?? I hope at times U feel I pollute ur brains with my words in funny ways, or at times U just feel encouraged and inspired all kinda bullshits I have been saying.

Have a great week, and I hope.....i can write soon .

I am a woman

but working for a woman is really something else.

I am a woman, I always have nothing good to say about us. 

We are jeakous, envious all the time

And we are emotional, confusing with our words and minds

I am indeed confused as I am not used to mixed messages

but when men say they are confused by me, I am confused, and I always thought I was pretty honest and straightforward

but being honest....of coz dont mean not confusing

So as a whole, I am very confused by men and women now.

Men are usually confused by themselves.

Women tend to confuse people in order to show they are clear minded

So I feel very confused by the self confusion and outside confusion. I think I was hidden from the world for years, now....it takes more breath to breathe the filthy air, it takes more concentration to decipher the stupid topics pple discuss, And I have to say.....pple hvnt changed abit, and on the contrary.....everyone seems stupider to me, making me harder to understand them. ahahahah....and of coz, in turn they may think I am stupid too. I guess.

But as I watched this movie, about the russian astraunat how he spent weeks of a particular noise in space ( I cudnt recall its from the moon or the engine) - but it surely wud kill him with that noise (that noise but nothing else). So he thought to himself, the only way he cud survive without bombing himself up with the spacecraft, he gotta "fall in love" with that noise.......goodness.....

What a spirit beyond the famous chinese ah Q spirit!? I want to learn it, not coz I want to be a ninja......but I want to be beyond ninja one day. I achieved Ah Q spirit, now I am trying to achieve the beyond.....

Just side note....at times pple ask me what kind of person I am? I wud say, I have superhero spirit. hehe...as I want to save the world and indeed that's just one of my life goals.

Checking statistics

I am freaking sleepy as I literally didnt sleep as I thought there would be an early concall....I always refrain from sleeping, being afraid that....I just cudnt get up, and I gurantee u, U will NOT be able to get up!!!!!

And damnnnnnnn....................all concall and most important meeting cancelled....ARGHHHH!!!!!!!! And now my head is left with sleepiness and more boredom....shits.

So one of my nowadays entertainment is to check the stats of my blog. What I luv to know is what countries have been reading me, and which blog entries have been read.......and as of today, I find the Naomi Watts with the nipple stickers on pic was most clicked, and...some others r ...I think the rainbow thing and the cantonese shits, swearing thing. Then these 2 days I find someones read my Drag Queen and the big whale catcher pieces....hehe, I hope pple read the more close to my heart pieces as they are more me.....

Then I think of another more blog, which I talked abt since last year....I want to be more naked. Yet, then I think I am actually very naked here.....then I thought, maybe I cud talk more erotica, but yet......nowadays my eros is with one person solely, hence, not sure what kind of eros I could indulge in.....

So I drop this idea, though I am stilk hving another idea....maybe write a book, using blog format. Frankly....I tried to pen down many times, but when my mindframe thinks I am writing a book, my chains of thoughts just automatically switched off. I dunno why....but it is very much I believe...when I write blogs, I feel I am talking to someone...then U wud say, writing a book thibking U r talking to someone....but the pb is..I tried few times and it just doesnt work....

Maybe....just maybe....according to my character....I need alotta freedom....blog has certain boundaries, but I am not really bound.....I can open any pages anytime I want when I want to write, and then......I am not require to write a chapter each time....yes I remember I hate comprehension at school...hate it horribly.....and yes, I also dont freaking care much if my vocab is rite or my grammer is accurate....

anyways, no matter how at times I think outside the box, I am still living in this earth, I at times do allow myself to be trapped in a box.......:D

Updates about the bird...

As usual....my mind is flying all over. I am not sure if I mentioned before....one day during shower, I felt I was walking away from my goals, then I asked myself if I ever got any goalz. Guess I talked about yearly goal concept sucked in previous entry. And frankly - I got no yearly goal, as time flies too fast, I hvnt got the breath to review last yr, how could I fix some goalz!?!?!?! 

Anyways, my mind lately is all about work, all about how to beautify myself. I hvnt got the finance or mood to make myself look better, and now....I need. And hence I must go jogging & swimming so I could fit into my outfits again. My outfits of 10 yrs back, which r still so chic....and I feel amazed at my style....how cud I back then understand fashion!? When I could tell u......20-30 yrs ago, I sucked big time in fashion!!! Guess I am just way too intuitive....and I am never afraid to look stupid....

That comes to make me think....why pple cant be successful?! coz we r always so afraid to fail!?!?! Which great minds hvnt failed in their lifetime...!?!?! As a matter of facts, I think they r totally losers in order to be great one day...

U know what I mean!? Yet, some pple keep using the excuse to fail, to lose...coz they give up on themselves....I highly regard the word "experience", yet......experience isnt the core of things, understanding life /yourself is the experience of the journey. People who do hv great minds sometimes rely on experience.....its not right, to me!!! For me, I could say....from this experience I learn this n that....I give thanks to the torture or bliss, but do I need to go through that again!? Not neccessary.....I want new experiences, and also I learn the lessons and I have expanded n jumped to another level.

That always makes me think of enzyme......the chart whereby from one level jumping to another requiring enzymes....I always see myself jumping from one to another, how high, how far....at times depends on the will power and the catalysts.

:D

Love & Mission to evolutionary psychology

On Sunday, I met up with my life-path "theorist" or should I say fortune teller.....I prefer not to use the latter, as he's not really that! More, if you believe in matrix of energy of the past and future, then, he's just receiving some signal from the clouds of info....hehe, I make it sound more voodoo....but he's based on I Ching to make some calculation.

We met roughly once a year, and if I encounter difficult Qs, I would call him to make some calculation for me. I wont say it's accurate or not.....but through calculation, I gotta say, he taps into my brain more than anyone. In a word, I wud say - based on calculation, he understands my brain and my character way better than others, yet.....he couldnt predict or experience my behaviour. 

Also, everytime, we wud talk abt spiritual stuff........from brainwave, to ESP to this time evolutionary psychology (EP). Could I say it's spiritual stuff? not really as they are all a form of science, depending where U r looking at. So this time, we touched on the subject of love......and frankly, he has shaken my head a little. I always look at human nature, infidelity.....from caveman's perspectives.....and this time he exbounce more using EP. At first, he kept using caveman scenario........then next is about socrates, plato....or even SunZi, then back to one's mission with the one's companion....to family to lovers to...the BIG question, what is Love??

At first glance, I thought he kept encouraging me to write a book. haha.....but after one nite of hving my subconscious brain-chatting, somewhat......I am getting a glimpse what he was trying to say or what his soul was saying to me. Well, very hard to describe....maybe U can date me to talk about it, haha.....nah...well, in conclusion what he was saying.....love is hormone and I need a war buddy.

So, ok.....I am fine-tuning......actually, he kinda encourages me to develop a philosophy...of something....dawnism? 

I like it, when someone makes me think outside of my brain wave.......making me learn something different, new term, new theory....etc.....

Gotta go bk to work. Have a fabulous Monday......!!

Skill Sets of Big firm

I did once wanted to join FMCG companies, as .... hehe....I could dress like an executive, in cute glossy glam outfits, but after last 3 yrs of experience, I have dropped this idea. I think pple who would in such firms.....they just like to blah....so from 1 million blahs then cascade down to smaller blahs......in btw, there are many do's but just many blahs......

I am glad.....I can plan and act at the same time, in a small co. Even I have to do the most tedious thing......but I believe one thing, if I even know those little things, I will bypass many in very short time. (though I just gotta work w those big firm pple....super annoying)

I am keeping my ah Q mode!

Yearly goal is useless

I never liked to set goals, but in 2009-2010, I did....I was diligent in drafting my goals...And I actually did manage to fulfill them. It was quite a legendary goal, which....actually my gay fren reminded me I achieved it!! haha....it was abstainance from sex and date during that period. Then some frenz came to me and said.....well, I did that too. No....I corrected them, for me, it was a choice to search my soul - for u, U just didnt get laid. So it's different!! hehe

But apart from this (well, I did reject quite a few offer, so....I did resist temptation), I didnt really fulfill one thing from the list. Last year.....I didnt set. This year, I wanted to set but now.....I realize, another 10 months would be year-end, I feel times flies me by so fast. I really dont hv time to catch my breath, let alone setting "goals". Maybe it's wrong mindset to inspirational speaker.....this year, I want to go with the flow as I always have, but at the same time setting goals to achieve in 2 yrs time, 3 yr, 5 yrs. E.g. I was showering last nite and yes was abit moody.....but then I energized myself thinkng - didnt I promise myself to go to St James Way from France to Spain!? So, I am going to do this in 2 yrs, meaning I need to make money these 2 yrs if I indeed want to walk this spiritual way........while, this morning was talking to a french fren who is planning to go via Trans-siberian from Beijing to Moscow this year. I think....wow....I always wonder if anyone wud ever want to stay in train 1 whole week with me....and yup....I am thinking about it, hope I have enough money by then!

So, my conclusion is yearly goal setting sucks, as somewhat it has no meaning in it....coz 12 months, 365.25 days, 8766 hrs, 525,960 mins with 31557600 seconds - they just go by ur fingers without politely saying a hi or bye. And....so I extend my yearly lifespan to a 2-year calculation instead. hehe.....and within the year, I wud just go with the flow......

Now I feel good, as I defile time....:P

Prentension

In the midst of tediousness......I have learnt to act stupid. :D

Yes, tedious is for stupid people, not for me........so I show to the stupid people, I am stupider, but I am making more money than them and I am in a better position than them and I am going to be able to go up and will never lose my jobs ...but they will........

OK, why wud I do that!? Coz.....I want absolute accuracy and for me to do tedious, it's impossible to attain to that, except I am the last. However, the situation is, I have to be the alpha & Omega, so I just need to have short cut, acting stupid is one way........not sure if U get what I mean! One flaw of people is.......they always want to act smart. It's wrong. Act stupid but be smart......

I always believe.......this world is changing so fast, in order to survive - U need different strategy. I allow pple acting like old ways....I wish they all act like old ways, so I will run 10000000 times faster than them in just one day, despite, yes....they r snail-ly 2 steps faster than me.

Maybe u who hv followed my blog or hv talked w me personally via emails or face to face....U get whatI mean....I hope U do, as......humans r just getting so complacent!!

False Advistisment

Men, if you want to re-do your ex, dont tell her or cheat her by saying "I am a changed man"!!! :)

I was watching Drop Dead Diva....I am not sure in US whether you could indeed con ur ways thru laws, fines and jails...like magic, but even U hv 24 Billy inside of U, U cud get away from murders......then I assume, as long as I say I am nuts. I cud do anything. But yes....this guy of coz gets charged, under the infringement of "false advertisement"!! Coz he falsely advertised himself to be a changed man, in order to....yes shag up the ex.

And....above was just funny, but the main quote I luv was "more things change, more things stay the same". HUH!? Kinda ironical, but.............actually this quote stirs my heart a lil. It sounds so zen, but it vibes with strong force of non-zen. To a pt that it agitates me......it seems it doesnt make sense, but it makes whole world of sense....yet, U so want it untrue....yet, its true....ARGH....yup, my agony. I feel agonigenised by this.....hehe

I have one belief - u dont acquire serenity via quietness. Onlt via chaos, you could attain or learn true peacefulness......hehe, non-zen  zenify you...:D

Valentine's

it's been years I am alone during such a romantic-supposedly time & date, seeing bouquets of flowers passing me by in mtr, on streets, that reminds me of....oh today is 14Feb. I wonder, how many bouquets really picked carefully by the guy, and also at the same time how many bunch he picks for how many different galz, and vice versa - how many bouquets r at the gal's desk. Anyways, such day is worse to get flowers, expensive and un-pretty......

I get frustrated and totally blinded with anger when someone says I complain about life alot. Do I? Have I? if U read here or better still if U hv my FB. This is my world, I speak my mind.....I frankly dont think I complaint alot, but yes I do complain, however, I always want to let the world or pple know that there's a way out, no matter how suicidal I am always.....

Whatever shits I am going thru, I always thank for the experience.....met bad pple, I thanked god for smartening up me......got bad result, I thanked for not giving me just pure luck so I gotta learn hard way.....i dont complain abt life becoz I luv complicated life, complicated beings, without such, life is boring. Stable life isnt for me......

Yah...sollie, just want to complain, hahahahahah