check

nail done, check!
hair wash, check!
shower done, check!
translate an article, check!
turn off my phone, check!
feeling miserable, check!
feeling happy, also check!
talking to my dogs, check check!
going out, check!
meeting new pple, check!
seeing frenz, check!
just freaking going out, check!
my vegetable, yummy soup....not yet check! Sitting in fridge but make it tonite, ok, will check!

when u cant tell the difference

I think most pple hv it, but I usually cud tell the difference
it's day dreaming & real dreaming
I just had that this morning
but all is so hazy

I think.....I cant remember what I think
guess I was sucked into a vortex of thoughts

I need a good dream tonite
:))

International

AS I said earlier, I am sad N lonely. Every step I take is like dream-walking.
I was at internation, aka ParkNShop. I basically roamed around the whole area 3 times.
Back n forth. Back n forth.
I dunno how I got back....but I made it home.

It's strange. When u got nothing anymore
u dont need to rush home
iphone becomes meaningless
Whatsapp isnt even the most important app anymore

u know....
it's strange. I feel strange.
sometimes, its just nice to know someone is checking on u
i feel safe
now, i dont feel that anymore
except safeless and lonely

Still
have a wonderful weekend. from, me!! :))

Solo

Once, I had a friend sitting across me on my balcony telling me she felt lonely. I could feel her anguish. Loneliness is so holy and shitty. Human is but an island, so we all experience it. Yet, to some, loneliness is a way of life, part of their being and existence. As for my fren, I think, and pray for her that she would find the man who deserves her, while, he would love her no matter what! Adore this beautiful soul.

As for me, I am always fine with loneliness. But once in a while, I just feel I am loneliness flooded. it's too much to bear. 

Well,I will be fine soon but then.....today, I feel I have been rotten with sadness & loneliness. It just cripples my soul.

Everyone, have a loneless weekend. Luv, from me.

A redbull in the morning

I think.....many men think I am high maintenance or hard to please. I dunno....it depends how U keep your consistency. But I have to say I am the easiest....but mind U, I am not the dumbest....if possible, I cud be the smartest gal a guy wud ever date :P

I think to please women is so easy. At least to me, it genuinely is.

To me, when someone sends me a msg at night to say goodnite, even though we are not physically together....maybe forever.........I would still feel it's a goodnite kiss. Or a morning msg to be there with you, to me,....it's like a redbull for the morning.

Easy, yes? Maybe. But many cant be consistent with that. And many men would do that in the beginning of a rp becoz they still hvnt fully got hold of the women....after a while, it drains off. I see it often. Experience it often.

Men, really.....either U never do in the beginning, or else U shud keep doing until u die or she dies. 

but of coz, also, women are demanding...when she gets one msg, she wud then want thousand or even want the men forget abt sending but rushing to their home. something like that. 

I think a healthy love affair is highly based on this give & take, understand without demand and consistency. Women r not that difficult to please, at least most arent. And as for me, I think I am easy to please, but just that all my ex-es use the wrong ways............I can only sleep when I get a gdnite kiss or I can only work when I get a goodmorning hug (metaphors anyways).

Maybe, U can try. Even U r into a rp for forever....but its important to hv loving gesture routines to make the other person feel loved. And as for women, what shud they be consistantly doing for men? Oh well, simple.....give blow jobs constantly. :))

:P

Another nut week on shows

Watched - frankly some I dont even remember. :)

- Kramer vs kramer

- Sophie's choice

- Confession of a dangerous mind

- stranger than fiction

- rewatched Bridget Jones' Diary I & II

- Notting Hill

- The Aura

- Crazy Stupid Love

TV shows -

- Homeland

- Dexter

- Person of Interest

- Merlin

- fringe

- Bones

- Supernatural

- Gossip Girl

- NCIS

- Criminal Minds

- Desperate Housewives

- The vampire diaries

Guyz, U must watch Homeland. I usually hate anything related to serious CIA shows or terrorist related, of coz except 24, as it's so ridiculously crazy that within 24 hrs, U could get killed, revived, then shot, then have sex, then again shoot someone, then meet the president, then save the president..........

This one is as exciting (not as breathless) but equally exciting as the cast is EXCELLLLLENT!!!!!!! Just by watching them looking at the monitor saying "NO" - I was already awed with breathlessness. It's not just the suspense, thrill. care chase or politically correct speech or righteous or idiotic Jack Brauer bravery - just simple huma - flawed, nakedly crazy humans. Just that most of them are working in CIA. hahahahahaha

 

People always say I got nothing to do hence I watch so many shows. Actually - many a time I would trade my sleep.....:)))) And Pls mind U, I dont go out at all....over weekend or so. How could it be? U?? yes, me......I rather stay home N watch my shows 24 hrs..............:))))))))))

Stroll Around Hong Kong

Hong Kong is just a little place and yes we are crammed...crowded....a dense city with many bldgs and people. But sometimes amongst this concrete jungle, we can find a place or two that has a vortex of tranquility to calm your soul, to make you smile a little when you leave. I have found such places. Of coz, besides the secondhand bookshops I talked about few months ago - some hidden cafes or lanes can give you tremendous pleasures.

 

From Sheung Wan MTR, pls check the map - I just know how to get there as I live around here for total of 3-4 years from 2003/4 3 years, until 2011 6 months - Sheung Wan has changed alot, hence I just realized such hidden lanes exist. Anyhow, from hollywood road At Sheung Wan, you will find the upper station street, and you would find to me a pretty damn prettt vintage-ish chinese walkup bldg, which I almost lived there (I wanted to, as it is PINK). And up you walk, you see some old shops - e.g. electrician or some new modern shops like Aesop or even some small galleries with maybe 2 paintings....:) .......OK, whatever I am saying now sound like 30 min walk - no, it was just within 3-5 min stroll, you would capture all these under yr memory. Kinda awesome, dun u think?! U dont get to see such in many other lanes or other parts of the world much such scenes......

Then U walked up further, you would first be greeted by this "Secret Ingredient" shop (I got no idea what they do there, maybe catering) or a goddess (Kun Yin) temple (the red thing):

Then just turn left, you would see some small bldgs, it's just a very short walk - max 5 mins u r done, but amongst there, you could find various small shops, cafes -

Then, check out one of the small lanes - you will find this little cafe Knockbox Coffee that only opens on Sat & Sun from 12:30-6:30 - and from what I gather, all they do is talk. haha....I mean talk about coffee, about making frenz, yet they are very serious about making coffee. I was even told that if you have good coffee beans, you could actually bring there for them to brew. I just tried their iced-dropped coffee which took them 8 hrs to brew and it tasted like whiskey to me - I was abit drunk (tipsy) for a little while. I am sure I will frequent there alot more from now on, as their coffee is indeed pretty good

 And it's a great place to know people who are just strolling and stopping for a cuppa. :))

if by any chance you walk by Soho, sheung wan, hollywood road, I highly recommend you to check it out, and just to feel - how such these few lanes take u away from the craziness of HK life.

 

Caveman theory

One of my ex-es : he said 2 things I agree with him 100%, other things NO, these 2 absolutely. :)

1st is - if science could perfect fertilization without the need of sperms, basically women r going to rule the world, men wud become obsolete.

2nd is - men are just cavemen.

Oh actually, of coz he has the 3rd, men r controlled by your dumbsticks.

OK, well, lately various things occurred that took me to rethink what he once said to me, of coz, I could expound more, he's just being man - keep it short. :) 

I am not a feminist, on the contrary, I find many woman behaviour is dumb and idiotic. I dont wish for women to rule the world - I think, we should get metrosexual men, the real kinds to rule the world.

Metrosexual men could be straight or gay - basically they are 2 in one, Man's mindset & physique with a touch of femininity.  When God created Adam, I am sure he felt it was alrite and he knew all the flaws in his creation - yes e.g. controlled by dumbsticks. In order for not creating - hybrids (I believe at that time, it shud be feasible) of human/animals , maybe a goatman or a snakeman coz all men have a need to shag and somehow to spread the seeds. The action is kinda involuntarily, so I am sure even perfected Adam would have such (flaw) need to use his tool - and later on it became dumbstick. :)))) - partially caveman theory developing now.

And lets now forget about Adam, as Adam already sounded more intelligent or learned. 

While, for cavemen, we would not be talking about bible time 5-7 thousand years ago, but we are talking about Neanderthals or so, and they needed to learn. I think from all the coloring books or maybe even caves - we could see men were supposed to hunt and women were supposed to gather crops + take care of children. So it's very clear why women like shopping - as we were once a gatherer....we gathered crops...:)))) So we gals have all excuses to shop becoz it's jusy inborn thing, ya know.

OK, for cavemen - why men r single minded towards a prey?  Why men r hunters? It's just a gene thing. Hunters need to be precise, as you have a whole family to feed - either killed by the (I believe it used to be gigantic) giant preys or hunt it. I am sure - even back then, men luved challenges, so bigger the better, more difficult to hunt the better.......translated into modern terms. hohoho.....U know what I am getting at by now for sure.

Now, if a woman ignores the man more, the man would be more precise wanting to hunt - as it seems everything is more delicious. OK, this is purely 100% non-metrosexual males. If the prey was near them or was just a tiny rabbit - they would just leave it and think - oh well, we got a chance later. Translated to modern terms???? Bingo....if a woman treats him well, nice, sweet - the more he walks away (I am still referring to 100% non-metrosexual males). 

That brings me to conclude one point and finally I am giving women some credits. I realized....men love to live in regrets (Ok , maybe it's hard to correlate what I have been bullshitting about above but this is my conclusion), while, women  live in the present.

yes, men live in regrets and women live in the present. How many men or even yourself - would find back their ex-es? While how many women would do that? Frankly - when a woman finishes gathering, they move on.....they move onto another crop, if the other crop is much better, they would not turn back to the previous field. While men? It's very strange. Even they may have caught a challenging prey, they would always mesmerize the previous rabbit -shit they wud think, why didnt I catch it as well???!?!?!??!?! 

hehe, it sounds like I am bullshitting about men. Yes it's true. No hard feeling, but some men just make me feel sad.....why they are so ridiculous?!?!?! But guess, as said....it's a gene thing and surely guyz still have the caveman in them. Period. :))

I should delete Facebook

No way.....haha. 

No, sometimes on FB, U see many....nice pictures or good status from people, such as:

1. BABIESSSSSS

2. ENGAGED (yes a good fren golden diamond bachelor just got engaged - unbelievable!!!!)

3. Wedding, upon wedding pictures

4. Tripssssssss

5. Honeymoon tripppssssss

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They make me want to
1. get pregnant

2. Get engaged but first of all I need a single bf 1st

3. Nah, it's OK....I had already

4. need me to expound?

5. ummmm........................it's OK, had also

LOL, no, I did think of having a baby for 2 months sometime ago....dunno why. Just that moment. Now, not really - first U need a dad and a mom, then they need to actively have sex before they could get a chance to let the fertilized egg to clutch onto the uterus wall. So, my wall has just been shed, hence.....this idea has thrown outta window.

And I dont hv a good back, I admire women x 10000 times that they could hold that gigantic belly for 9 months (ok, roughly 5 mths is that heavy).

Then, engaged. Not really also, but seeing people who are like quick sand doing it......I mean the next door pasture or bowl of rice smell better mentality.......i also want engaged. hahahahahaha......I want to feel the freaking heavy diamond ring on my finger or the surprised proposal....so fun. Actually, if that ring isnt real, I dun mind....I just want the thrill.

Honeymoon....do u know that honeymoon is usually not that honey!?!? As far as I know - couples tend to argue more during honeymoon. I think the best honeymoon is - to do nothing and sleep on the beach days and nites then nites and days, gazing the moon with a lemon honey iced on yr lips.

Wedding pics.....?! I want some really funny and stylish ones....if I ever need to take that. But isnt that supposed to leave a prettiest moment of the bride? Well, I got enough pretty pictures so I dont need more. Though - I just need to blow up mine to hang on my walls.

So all in all, I am back to where I am now.

Just blah blah with a tint of jealousy. Thats all.....sometimes hving some jealousy is good, as I am usually pretty cold hearted in that arena.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?!?!

In my case, absence makes the heart grow further. 

Let me explain why both are true.

Fonder - well, if U fraking live together or spend hours a day or see each other like 6 days a week (minimum) and 8 days a week maximum, or sleep like cuddlin kittens every nite, well, yes that applies. Somehow, humans r supposed to be loner or an island - when the skin touches together too much or the aura of physical is too imminent - we human would start to repulse the opposite physical. So yes when it happens, this statement applies.

Further - when the above dont apply, then frankly distance & absence make 2 further. It's not about how much trust or love. We human feed on quality of a good time, the quantity of joyful time. Even though, it usually it's the first 15 seconds or intermittent some 30 second of moments that would leave burning memory, yet this needs time to breed the moment. It doesnt happen instantly. Even at times, we try to bring this to climax, it just doesnt work like that. A seed takes time to grow, let alone 2 people - humans r all so selfishly individualistic. 

I hope I can learn to be a bamboo. Bamboo is a very patient plant. or better still, I want to be a dragon egg as it can wait for 1000 years until it's right time to hatch (OK according to shows like Merlin & Games of Thrones I got such info....hehe). But Bamboo, if U plant a seed, U can never see it grow until 5 years later, as everything first grows underneath - it roots itself firmly and extensively before their boo see the real high sky. I think I have waited long enough for everything to sprout or to shoot.......pewh. It has to come. And I have to explode, shoot up like a rocket (as my teacher said once - I behave like a rocket).

Bamboo and Further = Fonder for myself and myself alone.

Shits & Cantonese Swear Words

I wrote 2 entries today but somehow they got deleted. I am fucking agitated, of coz, on top of other dramas. All fucking hellish. But..........I feel just like my name - Dawn - It's just the darkest hours before sunrise. And......I am waiting for good news next week. Something is going to happen, and I am sure about it.

but today, what made me so fucking upset is......I experienced a pseudo abandonment. Yes pseudo....coz when u never get owned, how could there be abandonment, so everything is just illusion. Then another fraking co-incidence......just drama. OK, as I said before, I am used to it. But, well, sometimes, U just find it weird & kinky. All U can do is to laugh about it - and that reminds me - today my sense of humor is slightly back finally, at least I laughed at my chinese status on Facebook. Yup, trying to write some fucking cantonese status, as at times - it could express "The fuck" word in different formats endorsed with different intensity easier.

Maybe I could try to teach here - I cant say I am perfect, yeh!?

(to write - W) (to pronounce = P)

1. (W&P) Diu = Fuck

2. (W) Diu 7 nei , (P) Diu chuk nei = Fuck U (emphasize with the 7 sound....that;s all I think - super vulgar)

3. (W) Diu 9 nei, (P) Diu gouh nei = Fuck U hard (I think the 9 emphasize something like with a bunch, like fucking u with a bunch)

hehe....sorry, I am not very good at fuck word :P, who believes huh? But it's true....:))

tears falling inwardly into heart

I always love this song and hvnt listened to it for long time. The melancholic sentiment of losing love is....too spot on by Danny Chan, Too bad, he's dead.



眼淚在心裡流　此際　怎麼開口? (tears, falling deep inside my heart. At present, what can I say?)
前事在心裡飄浮　情意　令人太難受 (The past has swum into my hear. Loving sentiments - hard for one to endure)
眼淚在心裡流　請你開一開口(tears, falling deep inside my heart. Plz say something)
隨便一聲或隨便一句 (whatever a sound or phrase - just say something)
算是問候朋友　離別你 (as a hello to a friend. Since leaving you)
自離別你　心痛苦 (since leaving you. the pain inside my heart)
比處死更難受　靈魂已失 (is worse than death sentence. Is more unbearable than death. My soul is lost)
心彷彿死去　心死問誰可救 (My heart seems dead. A dead heart, who can revive it)
眼淚在心裡流　苦痛 (tears, falling deep inside my heart,. Pain)
問你知否?情是內心的交流 (Do you know? The sentiment is communicated through the souls)
轉載來自
惟盼望情愛如舊　眼淚在心裡流 (just wish that the love could remain the same) (tears, falling deep inside my heart)
苦痛問怎麼休? (when will this agony of pain go away?)
琴鍵打開　亦無心奏 (I have no mood to play on the opened paino keyboard)
我現在似木偶　人像木偶 (I am now like a puppet. A person behaving like a puppet)
我人像木偶 (I am like a puppet)
只歎輕輕送走了時候 (I can only give out a slight sigh to farewell the time, the moment)
全忘餓與飽　心中空虛了 (forget hunger or full. Inside my heart, it's all empty)
衣襟淚痕濕透 (my clothes, my sleeves are soaked with tears)
眼淚在心裡流　苦痛 (tears, falling deep inside my heart, The agony of pain)
問你知否? 情是內心的交流(do u even know about it? My agony of pain. Loving sentiment is communicated through soul)
盼心曲再奏　情是內心的交流 (hope our songs will once be played again. Loving sentiment is communicated throiugh souls)
盼心曲再奏

Inferiority complex of HK local chinese

Well, not pinpointing anyone in particular, but on FB - my frenz, my relatives.....

In the street, strangers, old local ladies or men......or teenage boyz & galz - local

THEY ALL YELL - when things are not ok

for e.g. - someone shit in MTR or someone spit on the street or someone eats dog meat, or someone kills someone, or someone sells someone, or someone robs someone, or someone shits in someone's mouth.........

etc etc

They ALL yell - ACT of mainland chinese. I get realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly frustrated when I hear this. Well, pls be fair, man!! U HK locals (incld me) are really that good??!! Let me count..........

1. My mom spit on the street. I remember vividly - as I asked her not to do that....I mean I dun fraking care she spit on the street or toilet.............JUST NEVER FUCKING SPIT in front of ME....I vomit when I hear the sound.

2. We once had the highest concentration of triads. Tell me, where all the gangster movies come from? Inspired by?? yes....inspired by us local dudes, man!

3. Shit in mtr? I saw local moms allowing kids to pee or shit on the street or anywhere if their kids felt like (ok, that was some decades ago, and I believe I DID THAT too.....klakakakaak....my mom asked me too......:P )

4. Not polite? No discipline?? Hey come on......only past 5 years I started seeing people queueing for MTR. I had been pusheddddddddddddddd away so fucking many times for men or women alike.

5. Ok, so if we are so well-educated. Why in MTR or bus, I dont really see people giving seats to pregnant ladies or old people????

6. If see handicapped or mentally challenged people - why run away???

We HK locals are from CHINA, we have chinese blood flowing in our veins. OK, yes mainland chinese are abit backward in their education, but the well-educated ones are going to change the world, and if we local keep this attitude, we wont even have a cut. I mean.....a cut from a gigantic ocean!! I dislike us HK locals....who pretend to be educated but without independant thinking, just follow-suit without any ideas.......the stupid politicans scream at chinese govt, they also do likewise, but why? Oh coz it's chinese govt, they are corrupted..............HEY...........we are also corrupted. If we are so smart or upright, we have already changed this fucking world. Yes, so chinese bribe, americans dont bribe? hahahaha....In a capitalistic world, the corruption is even more wide-spread and vast that no one can be pinpointed to be sentenced to death.

At least once in a while, we get to see few of those food chains get killed under chinese govt.

I again.....have to say....am not a political mindset person. I just prefer things to be fair.....and I hate people badmouthing in general term. OK, I am bad too, as I make it quite clear I am not v fond of americans & sporeans outloudly. Sorry. I dont mean it....but I really dun like most of them. Buttttttttttttttttt I would never say - see americans suck big time as they big mouth & big ass. :))

Sorry, dont hate me. If u have read it here more than once, u are neither a chinese nor american nor european or brit......but U r my fren, U r a human who may be interested in silly stuff like me. :))

Thanks U.

Movies watched....and recommended

Frankly, since I learnt how to use torrents, my world is always torrents. Tdy, I feel like stopping it.....I am totally addicted & obsessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, few movies I watched lately and I find it may worth your time to watch:

1. Horrible Bosses - super fucking funny.

I never really like comedy as I cant really laugh with their jokes all the way, but this movie is the 2nd one I could. The first one was There's something about Mary.

2. Margin Call

Financial thriller - not exactly like the evil Wall Street I or II. But I find it worth watching despite I know squat about finance or stock market. no.1 coz the assembled cast is superb. Kevin Spacey vs Jeremy Iron. Demi Moore is surprisingly good. Of coz my favourite Sylar is there (Zachary Quinto). But the most outstanding actor to me is - Priest in Priest - Paul Bettany. He's awesome!!!! It's a more realistic portrayal of the reality, I feel.

3. Watched few turkish movies and find them to be decent & great.

3.1 Head On

3.2 Love like coincidences

3.3 Climate

Actually, I find turkish language sound very much like korean, also the sentiment seems quite similar as well. I esp like Climate even though it's a super slow movie - the actor was awesome.

4. Cashback

It's a fabulous movie. Funny, witty.

5. OK, about TV series.

This one I always talk about it - But dexter season 6 is super amazing. I mean frankly - the robin hood styled serial killer thingy is getting draggy to me, but this season has new way of "demonstrating" the murdered victim.....I was just in awe. I dont think such crimes or knitted corpses have ever been found like that, but all in all - it was awesome. Must watch....:))

6. Alpha Sy-Fy channel

OK, it's abit like Heroes. However, Heroes should not be made into TV series, rather, they should be a collection of movies, then I think the whole gross will be better, and it wouldnt be ended so abruptly, my thinking. Alpha is more down-to-earth - about a group of superability normal people who dont really have higher goal like maybe Sylar to obtain all talents & power or like Peter wanting to be superman to save the world. Yet Alpha simplicity is quite attractive to me, as you see the characters becoming more mature and realistic...then U start to think, very very likely we do have some alphas walking around us. :))

OK....that's all for now....I watched way too many but since I already did my backup, I couldnt exactly recall which I watched. The sucked ones, I delete so quickly - e.g. Hangover II. I deleted it within a sec....:))

Leather

HK is getting cooler, and I for once cant wait but to get my leather jackets out to let them breathe abit on my balcony. I luv the smell of leather jackets, there's nothing to be more excited for a cooler winter to be able to wear leather jackets & boots all the time. I am yet to have 2-3 more leather jackets to be owned by me.....colors that I am looking for, creamy white, purple & green. I already have red, biker chick blk, some orangey, camel.....yes I need a long one as well. Actually I do have a purple one which is a think layer of leather....now thinking of it, I hope I still have it.

Then boots......I luv boots.............

Sometimes, I like v-neck as can show off my pseduo cleavage but I esp am fond of turtle neck which just hang themselves around my belly button. The length of it is important - it gives another form of sexiness. I mean of coz one cant have too big belly - which...I am semi-big....lol....but with rite pants, it's all fine. And one must have silhouette, which I gotta say - many HK galz dont really have it as they are too obsessed with being skinny. I frankly quite like my silhouette, hehe.....I think maybe more than one man did comment or compare me with greek statue - which are usually not at all skinny. heheheheheh.....while, one did want to turn me into those supergal superhero....so I say to myself, my silhouette must be not that bad!! :))

For some, different seasons have diff obsession. For me, summer only has one - me, and my air-conditioner. Sorry, I really cant say I like water sports that much. Though when I was young, I did.....nowadays, not really, and of coz, somehow some fortune teller or oracles or whatever did keep reminding me not to play w water much.....well, this idea fits me. But actually I do remember when I started having fear of water.....it was at a snorkeling in Thai or M'sia....couldnt recall..........as I was trying to snorkel even at shallow water, as I looked ahead to the ocean (under the ocean), I could sense a chilly force rushing to me (I never was afraid since I learnt swimming at young age by myself, but I am not a terrific swimmer, a manageable one only) - I felt scared so I quickly went back to the dryland......after all these years, I could still feel it.

So, I am so excited and happy that for few months, we dont need to endure the humidity & high tempearture...................but in replacement, we could keep showing off our leather skins....(we r a bunch of brutal humanss......LOLLLLLLLLLLLL) :P sollie

how can I not love more? (posted on Facebook)

How, can I not love my Lottie more than, maybe shadow? yes people would say I have favouritism.




Honestly, taking shadow in was a selfish act as I was missing my collie-BoBo too much, and also when I saw her - I knew she would be put to death by pet shop as no one would take her in at that time - when animal rights were even worse than now. (BoBo-Dog visited me in my dream and told me he became human- ie when I found release after months of his death.) Shadow came along and she was very detached dog - kinda like me, so when I cried, she never really care, except - wanting food & toy.

Now I have a second dog - Lottie - she has brightened up my days & nights simply  - she is opp to me & shadow. She's darling, loving, and she put her mama as her first priority. Not food nor toy. When I cry, she wud sit on my belly looking at me. Of coz both of them luv everyone who visit my home-Lottie always needs to do more to convince pple to luv her, becoz she seems more crazy and active. But once she quiets down, the whole world isnt about food or toys, but about U - me or my frenz. When shadow was sick, she would intentionally walk away from me so shadow could stick ard me. After desex, she didnt even bother to lick her wound which is something a dog wud normally do. She wud always prioritize going out with me to be more important than taking my treats (shadow is always opposite, food first). When she eats, I ask her to stop - she would obediently wait until I say OK without any sneering or anger.

And now I luv her more day after day, as every nite esp, she is like my guardian angel always checking on me. Not that I dun luv shadow, but sometimes I think luv needs to be earned. U couldnt sit there and wait for luv. People, or dogs, or cats could luv u without reasons, but yet U need to earn to make them luv u continuously. It's a realistic world - no one can be dead fish in practice and yet gain everything.

So, no, I luv both of my dogs but I do have my fav, yes Lottie has been my fav since long time, as she makes me feel - being a mom or master has some rewards, has some luv in return not coz I could give her food or make her happy, but simply becoz she just adores me, and she works hard to adore me.

I luv u, Lottie....kisssssss

Last night I had a strangest dream

Hvnt been able to write much nowadays as my mind has been clouded, not by iphone iCloud, but literally clouded. So, as I was running through Youtube, some songs I want to share - from my favourite duo, introduced by my Aunt - who shared with me a loving story how "Bridge over trouble water" came about - I immediately fell in love with them, of coz they have the most amazing voice.

"click at the youtube show - it has lyrics. :)) "

Last night I had the strangest dream

I used to love to sing this, as it sounds so happy. Now, the tune is happy but I am old enough to know - if what they say happens, it means it's the end of the world. :))

Wednesday 3am

I always find this song....abit sad, and I always tell myself I wont kill, I wont steal. :))

Leaves that are green

I love this song too, as it makes me understand another form of melancholy. - TIME.

Flowers never bend with rainfall (REALLY??? - I need to walk around during rainfall....haha)

Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don't know what is real,
I can't touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/flowers+never+bend+with+the+rainfall_20124734.html ]
The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

It's no matter if you're born
To play the King or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

Leaves that are green 

Ancients & random thoughts

I am always interested in ancient civilization, esp the myths about Atlantis or Lemuria. Well, I do believe in Plato. So lately, I have been watching this series Ancient Aliens - I cant say I agree with everything they put on there, but just by seeing all the mysterious ancient megaliths or monuments or civilization - that alone already make me high. I remember my life aim when I was young was to be either be an astronaut or archeologist. 

However, I am disappointed with one of the representatives of the theologians, she said - people at biblical time wrote stuff and we couldnt take it literally, as they used symbols to represent their thinking. Frankly, I totally disagree with her from a bible point of view. If that;'s the case, then she's indirectly admitting that God is not really god but something that they didnt know, so they just put Yewah there for the sake of "symbolising"??!! 

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Frankly seeing mysterious carving into stone signifying a doorway to another plane - frankly it intrigues me. Really??!!?!?!? Who would do such? Except, maybe.....some grain of truth?!?! To me, I believe in stargate actually or vortex or portal, esp wormhole, of coz.

Anyways, going to Peru is a must for me some day, now not confined just machu Piccu. :))

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Then, before I woke up from a dream - just some scattered visions -I came to have an idea how to escape Tsunami, and then if lets say Altantian was indeed highly technological advanced, I assumed they should have what I imagined in my head-glass house shut down upon touching water. hahaahahah.......in my head, the image was pretty cool and awesome and I did see the flood.

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I am thinking of one thing. For me, I dont have much requirement for a lover or something. except, the person I could really fall in love with is basically - I could bullshit anything and he has to love whatever I write. And of coz, he has to be abit odd & crazy so I can love the weirdness & oddity of another polarity too., :))

And the best match of sociopath is actually psychopath. :D

iLaz

Well, I have been attending this chinese name-ology class, which I believe for the beginner grade, it would take me 10 years to complete. OK, let me explain why. I first started off 2-3 classes 3 years back, but I went to China to work so I stopped. Then, since I was back, they never re-opened the class until 2 months ago. Yet, we got 81 numbers to cover, and we are only upto maybe 15, while.....supposedly we go to class every week, yet, in order to meet every classmate or the master, we ended up going to the class maybe 1-2 a month.

Actually, this style suits me. I hate regularity.

OK, back to iLaz. haa. Frankly, I have been lazy with everything. I think things tired me out too much, life has disappointed me alot. Anyways, but the fact is I disappoint myself great deal. Maybe why I had this vision, yet I couldnt accomplish. My teachers once said I was a rocket, either stationary or I shoot up without anyone being to catch me. But....now....I feel I am worse than a bicycle, being ridden by someone who couldnt even ride a bike. just stumbling on.....~~~~~~

And in the class, I am mixed with a bunch of tradional chinese, I shud say HK chinese. I find chinese in mainland they are more open-minded than Hongkies. As I always say, china chinese are more liberal than Hongkies, so we are doomed, when we still think highly of ourselves. I once wanted to revolutionize with my limited wit & ability by maybe influencing one or two people around me.....hahahaha....but frankly, I stop, as I think we are doomed. I mean - hongkies.

This class has around 10+ classmates and most of them have studied quite a bit of chinese astrology or tarots or some sort like that. Well, me no....I am just a reader of stuff or learner of the world. And the way they talk - agitates me a great deal. Some couldnt accept homosexuality, when I wish I could be bisexual, U know. Some couldnt accept that I am not doing what I studied.......and asked if emotion affects my action. Heck, of coz emotion affects my action. I am not a robot. When I said - I think it's fine and I dont have regrets in my choices- they would then follow by saying "a person's biggest mistake is to think they have no problems...................." Then it seems I have turned into a child - as I ask stupid Qs like - why do you believe in tibetian and then wear a thai gods necklace, then practise chi-kung, then...etc etc. isnt it confusing? or I become someone who is ignorant on all these stuff.

truthfully - emotion affects me a great deal, ok, maybe I should take medication. And yes, i think being gay is fine, being bi is even superb but I am not, though I did pray I would, haha...more choices, U see. And yes, I dont observe alotta chinese things - like when someone's gambling, u should never pat someone's shoulder, and even I am studying numbers - I dun even observe much about numbers as I am insensitive to numbers, except the numbers on my iphone clock. I cant even count how many men I slept with, hehe. 

And why I so dislike chinese ways - I luv chinese philosophy, but I mean the dogmatic chinese philosophy (just like - I like the idea of christianity or I should say I like the idea of the bible, and how from OT progresses to NT, but I dont like the dogmatic way some religious people -doctrined everything) - too much reprimand, too much donts. I hate the too much donts.

But, being me - I then think of the lessons why I am in this class (dont get me wrong, I dont hate my classmates - on the contrary I like the dynamic, as I could quietly observe and learn) - I feel it;s a humbling experience. Not becoz they are better - but more, I feel I am better, coz.....I have learnt in my life many things, this past 3 years have torured me - and I learnt the lessons.....so by putting myself into a group of these people - I feel I am humbled further. I should say - reminder of humility - it's not about the outward achievement, but I am more determinded to achieve my own inner nirvana. I am glad - one thing my character will never allow me to conform no matter how tortured I have become - the easiest way is to conform, frankly, but......I just dont have the much genes to do so.

Anyways, this entry isnt an entry to brag about myself, though, as if u follow me or read here sometimes, U know I like to brag anyways. But this entry is for my own reminder - I do have achieve something, but I cant be as eloquent as them, coz I never learnt those things from books or masters, but from myself within & from the world. :DDDD

And one thing I am proud about myself is that I dont mind losing face or even fail.....at times.  And I dared to admit I am wrong and I fail now....isnt it more adult thing? :P

Anyways, have a good weekend everyone. Luvvvvvv Kissess.....

iSad

Frankly, he's most likely the only inventor + entreprenuer + enterprise figure I could name, without saying....ummmm so and so.....umm....whats his name?!?! Steve Jobs....I like him since many years ago when I came across his interviews. Anyhow, I couldnt remember the content, but of coz it spoke to me. The thing is people talk about vision.....aim....dream....yet, when we face challenges, we back off. We allow it to drift....and from an unusual back to normal.

I always like weird. I always like unusual. I dislike normality. I believe.....I am not sure if I am too...stubborn or what.....but weirdness springs creativity. Normality-----ummm....to me equates boredom. Though, if someone could creative something from normal, he's super genius, but I wouldnt be able to identify as I am not ONE.

Somehow.....I think I am going to find back his interviews or so. I think I am in need for some inspiration. I have stopped myself....from evolving, from creating......I think life has tired me out a little. 

Anyways, I think American is in need of some revival. They had a Steve Jobs, but recently - nothing much from there excites the world, except....Iphone 5...which got people upset N mad coz it's not gonna be iphone 5 but 4s. Who can ever do that to the world - not a small section of population (not women upset at LV coz LV isnt making transparent wallet nor Mercedes isnt making 8 wheel drive as promise) - basically.....everyone using iPhone is mad that why there's no iphone 5 yet!!?? :))

Movies Marathorn

Since frenz helping me install the torrent, it's unstoppable. I am downloading as many movies as one can, esp my HD now has 500Gb cap, and it's like disneyland for me now.

Movies watched over 72 hrs:

- bitter moon (excellent)

- ninth gate (soso)

- when harry met sally (rewatched - great)

- the graduate (rewatched - great)

- harry potter last one (sucks)

- the virign suicide (great)

- horrible bosses (hilarious)

- gattaca (ok)

- magnolia (soso)

- eat pray love (boring)

2 movies I hope to talk about, bitter moon & eat pray love.

When I was maybe 15 or 16, I was introduced to this book called Money, Sex & Power, by my teacher. I guess, he wanted me to think since I started discussing about the "abundance of life" and what the heck life is kind of subjects back then. And I always ponder about this subject for many years, then I came to conclude that, I am a power, sex & money person. :D.....so when I heard "eat pray love" -ok, I feel I cant relate to this, this is more woman way ot ranking, yes? Love, pray, love. or pray, eat, love. For me, I got no interest in much of food...so eat is like bottom of the lists. And this movie, makes my libido dies within second. I then realize, when you are too horny, you should watch boring movies - with celebrity starred in it - as U feel it;s wrong U dont watch the whole thing, and...maybe it's me - i feel I should respect PrettyWoman - Julia Roberts & my fav James Franco (coz he reads alot in real life) that I should finish the movie no matter how it kills my libido. SHITS.

Yes I like few quotes though - "ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation". Well, I always enjoy chaos. I always luv vintage. I am always fascinated with ruins, broken architecture.

So, then Bitter Moon. Blew my mind in a way - the way the narration goes by Peter Coyote. It's very erotic. Despite, he definitely isnt my sex subject. And I think to boil down - it's just about co-dependent relationship that we all ., ok, not all, most live in. But face it - we have such kinds of codependence one way or another no matter how we think we are healthy. We are always S&M, frankly, in relationship. Of coz, they are the more played-up, while ours is more toned down. yet, truthfully, ie what we actually live in. So all-in-all, it has become my another favourite movie.

quotation 2

Continuing on......from

http://birdwnolegs.blogspot.com/2011/09/quotation-1.html

1. It's the quietness in feeling the love between us

The melancholic feeling of love

Allow me to stand still in the midst of the oasis, in the midst of sandstorm

clinging, onto you.

2. Love is like a bank.  Yes many use this illustration, maybe.

We leave each piece of us each time there.

All we can wish was that the bank would keep it safe and give us good interest rate, so that it could grow faster, richer.

3. There's a currency marked on everything.
Translated into yes money sometimes, or love, time, patience, tolerance quantification.

4. Quality of time is overrated - without the quantity, how to gain the quality. In the book of QC management, it doesnt correlate.

5. I dont know if I mentioned before.
Time heals one's wound is also bullshit.
Time can only numb a wound if it's the real wound. And it leaves scars as time goes by.

Enjoy!
Bullshits!
Brainstorm Bullshits.
Enjoying Bullshits.
My motto. :))

My iphone ghost dream

I had a horribke maybe food poisoning or serious stomach cramp from curse - I laid in bed for 3 days, slept for maybe 50+ hours. That kind of pain - worse than my worst period pain - I thought I was about to die - than I wonder, how many times it would be if vs childbirth - I hope it's only double of what I experienced, then maybe I would think about it - if it's three times, then forget it......:))

OK, well, this ghost dream, I gotta say - after the dream, my pain was so much better. hehe, not sure if my action in there cured me or not.

Anyways, there were 2 parts - 

1st part was, I checked into this hotel. The staff was really really rude, but apparently it was located at a big tourist place with really huge beach & sea, in the midst of gigantic cliff - I know it's not from earth. I was on biz, not for fun, so I didnt really care much about the hotel service. I remembered I met some people, maybe biz meeting - but hazey memory now - anyhow 2 things I remembered clearly was - when I was to take a lift to 14th floor, it wasnt the normal lift. It was in a form of Roller Coaster and the structure was gignatic - I guess in that universe, going to 14th floor from ground didnt mean going up, but going laterally. I recalled, I screamed while on the lift as it was a really really thrilling ride. So next scene was I witnessed how they killed fish. It's the most bloody stomach turned way - it's gigantic fish also - bigger than human at least 2-3 times. Those butcher would put them on the top of a car- knifed in the middle without touching the head. Then both sides of flesh were left opened then they would use a knife to remove the bone. However, the fish head didnt look like a fish but a bulldog....hehe....honestly I almost threw up in my dream and even now. I also recalled - I was talking to myself, when I woke up from this dream, I shouldnt eat fish anymore. :))

Then 2nd part was the iphone ghosts.

While I was lying in bed in my dream with my darling puppy - Lottie, she tugged into my bosom sleeping. I was noticing on my phone - a picture (ewww....even now I typed it, I had goosebumps) - there was a female ghost in the background and she started really serious killing the people in the pictures. It was so so so bloody & eerie & scary that I knew I gotta quickly pressed delete in order to save those souls - but my phone was hanged temporarily coz I was too......excitedly agitatedly pressing the trash button. It was so eerie that Lottie was shaking frighteningly even in sleep that I got more angry with that ghost in my iphone- she could even affect my dog in such a way from a distance. So I kept killing her.........there...........but it was too scary that I was woken up from the dream in sweat.

:D

A Person without A Dining Table

I was having Bagel this morning, basically my plate was on the floor - then I realized, since.....maybe 10-12 years, I havnt had a dining table in my apartment. Reasons : Usually I live in studio flat, with my dog....well, less is full. And even despite I have 2 rooms sometimes, I constantly feel - hving a chinese antique looking cabinet is more important than dining table.

But I think the fact is - I didnt want anyone to live with me. :) Nor I find the needs of a dining table to entertain my frenz - as a good old chest is a convertable coffeetable already or alcohol stool.

So while, I am chewing on my bagel, I had this thought - next time when I move, I need a dining table. I am entering a next phase in life, I need to start thinking - maybe I will be able to share with someone, for real, this time. Someone says - U always need space in a wardrobe so to attract positive energy that U will find someone.....but for me, I can always find ways to share a cabinet, just buy a bigger one, a taller one. Yet, the concept of sitting down, sharing a meal with someone....maybe few times a week is abit alien notion for me. I know....to most who are attached or families may find this strange - but since child, I never liked to sit in the same dining table with my family to share a meal - I always ate alone in a corner, listening to radio or studying.

So someone once said - I pretended to be weird - frankly, when I looked back, I couldnt say this is weird....but....I was surely not brought up normally not by my parents but by myself.

Though.....my roomate came to my mind before I closed this entry - I think the only time I recalled I liked to sit around the dining table properly was when I was living with a bunch of gals in Uni - we shared meals, we talked rubbish......it was kind of cool.

The outcast in moon dream

I had this dream -
A group of people including me landed in a planet - it should be a moon which was bigger than earth.
Then somehow we were attacked by people from mercury as they wanted to steal our resources - like chunk of glacier or something like that.
And we didnt know why we would be landed there - vaguely I could remember there was a vessel. But, I could actually assess thru something like iPhone to search for pple from the past. Like a video game - I could go around to search - esp I was supposed to find a blonde woman & a man. I couldnt remember why I gotta find them, maybe they were my parents or.....frens, not sure. And I was trying to adjust to play the "virtual reality" game - and I could locate the man but he was sleeping, then the woman, she was talking with a group of people.

Then among the population (maybe less than 10 people) there's this gal - only gal from the past and she kept singing a song which contained all info fr the past - I could only remember the last sentence - goes like "find the past from shadow" (Well, I think I was inspired within the dream coz I turned on my dvd and at the end of the dvd they would keep playing the song - which would sound like ....duh duh duh shallow.......

N she did try to explain why the people the past died and why mercury pple come to steal our stuff. Actually I was so agitated by her, since she was explaining and at the same time singing - as I felt she was hiding something and got no where to explain how we could "survive" and I got really mad then, I questioned her - why everyone died except her and why not we actually went to Mercury & stole their stuff too (eye for an eye, U see)

Since the place we landed was actually a moon which was much bigger than earth hence it meant we cudnt go far and we couldnt roam around. I think since I am in real life slightly claustrophobic - actually not really but it's more to do with freedom - I need to get out of a place anytime I want to....but I dunno what's the real term for it.


Anyways, then I was woken up......:)) Haha what a weird dream!!!

1King Chapter 13

^{As I mentioned quite many times, I luv the story of Solomon, esp attracted by his wisdom. So as I continued to read on & I read this - kinda baffled me alittle. Why would the so-called man of God without even being named, and why was he killed by the lion though not eaten - coz he was deceived by another man of god - the old prophet. Well, couldnt umm the deity give him a slack as he's new in town? I think HE should kill the old prophet instead of the new.young one, at least he did try. Baffling.....
 
8} But the man of God answered the king, “Even if you were to give me half your possessions, I would not go with you, nor would I eat bread or drink water here. ⁹ For I was commanded by the word of the LORD: ‘You must not eat bread or drink water or return by the way you came.’” ¹⁰ So he took another road and did not return by the way he had come to Bethel.
 ¹¹ Now there was a certain old prophet living in Bethel, whose sons came and told him all that the man of God had done there that day. They also told their father what he had said to the king. ¹² Their father asked them, “Which way did he go?” And his sons showed him which road the man of God from Judah had taken. ¹³ So he said to his sons, “Saddle the donkey for me.” And when they had saddled the donkey for him, he mounted it ¹⁴ and rode after the man of God. He found him sitting under an oak tree and asked, “Are you the man of God who came from Judah?”
   “I am,” he replied.
 ¹⁵ So the prophet said to him, “Come home with me and eat.”
 ¹⁶ The man of God said, “I cannot turn back and go with you, nor can I eat bread or drink water with you in this place. ¹⁷ I have been told by the word of the LORD: ‘You must not eat bread or drink water there or return by the way you came.’”
 ¹⁸ The old prophet answered, “I too am a prophet, as you are. And an angel said to me by the word of the LORD: ‘Bring him back with you to your house so that he may eat bread and drink water.’” (But he was lying to him.) ¹⁹ So the man of God returned with him and ate and drank in his house.
 ²⁰ While they were sitting at the table, the word of the LORD came to the old prophet who had brought him back. ²¹ He cried out to the man of God who had come from Judah, “This is what the LORD says: ‘You have defied the word of the LORD and have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you. ²² You came back and ate bread and drank water in the place where he told you not to eat or drink. Therefore your body will not be buried in the tomb of your ancestors.’”
 ²³ When the man of God had finished eating and drinking, the prophet who had brought him back saddled his donkey for him. ²⁴ As he went on his way, a lion met him on the road and killed him, and his body was left lying on the road, with both the donkey and the lion standing beside it. ²⁵ Some people who passed by saw the body lying there, with the lion standing beside the body, and they went and reported it in the city where the old prophet lived.
 ²⁶ When the prophet who had brought him back from his journey heard of it, he said, “It is the man of God who defied the word of the LORD. The LORD has given him over to the lion, which has mauled him and killed him, as the word of the LORD had warned him.”

Currency

I never understand currency and I honestly dont want to understand ever....except whatever I have is on the rise. My fren Bruce told me once, money is just fluid - basically there's no ever real money in the world. I contemplated this for long time.....kinda get it then also dun get it. :)

Then, today, I have a thought. Actually every part of our life is marked with the label of some form of currency. It doesnt have to be money. It could be time. It could be how much one is willing to offer or to take risk - for e.g. in an adventure. Or how much one is willing to give - for e.g. love.

I remember once, my ex told me - "I wish I met you first so I wouldnt have to marry my ex-wife (HAHAHAHAH - idiot). And lets see how we continue on, maybe I will marry U too" - Holy molly shitass idiotic mother+dad licking fucker. :) I think - he labelled luv with a conditional currency which - he wouldnt be willing to pay. I mean, it makes sense he says that, but you shouldnt put this currency - the reducing currency on the table. How could a relationship be "getting better" or "brighter" when conditions apply. 

Though, maybe he's right, it just doesnt rhyme with me at all. Hence the currency became negative. I mean at least, I never wanted to exchange with him at all.

And I started to understand my ex-boss - a s'porean - he always said, so how you justify, quantify the outcome. I mean at 1st I hated it - coz it's sp stressful to answer when I wasnt dealing with sales. But I learnt quickly  that - everything a boss expects has to be revenue striving - hence the quantification. I think it's totally fine, so from then on, I always try to enhance my quantifiable value in every aspect I can, coz I want to be valuable in my jobs. And hence I feel my currency level is higher than most as I understand the game better.

Then friendship - how to see the currency. Lately, I realize that some frenz who will do all out to be there. I experienced my shares, fortunately - that makes my life worth living, while, of coz to me, their currency value is high. I wont forsake them when they face troubles, or when they need me. This is a currency exchange chain - people need to get it and should never ask, why I got no one to be there for them. 

What I want to say is that my fren - I love her dearly - after seeing it, I even more swear to myself, one day - no matter how difficult I would protect her. She's always there for her frens - and clearly every week she has many people who would want to meet up with her. She's not 20's....in our 20's, people call U out becoz U r fun to be with, After 30's, people call U becoz U r a good fren to be with. I see the golden soul, crystal spirit in her - clean & spotless towards taking care and being there for others. Her currency is high and keeps on the rising - I bet hers will never drop, she will always have a buffer underneath her, despite how life could be torturing us out of random at times. 

Anyhow.........at the end, no matter how honest or genuine we think we are. Everything comes with a currency - and it's translated into efforts, time, love quantity, quality or a giant castle or bank account.......whatever it is, we say there's no way to measure - yet there's ALWAYS another form of currency. As for my blog......I appreciate those who read here occasionally - ie the currency you have given me - your brain juice & time. And on another more personal blog, that someone will read it everyday no matter how difficult it is - then he has offered me the currency of seriousness & me-important value.

Thanks U all.

My theta brainwave is low

Lately, I feel creativity compromised, mind rotten, heart/emotion stale. I think my theta wave is low in my head, maybe I should re-read Little Prince (yes Children tend to have more theta waves).

I have heard about brainwaves sometime ago - but I forgot which one is which one, esp a master sharing w me, why churches singing choir, or why temple has those ringbells, and why people chant - they are some form of brainwaves to bring you to spiritual enlightened/heightened. 

And hence, I am desperately in need for some spiritual/creative reimbursement shooting up in my head. So I went to 2nd bookshop to get a Alpha-Theta CD. When I was at their shop listening, the vibration was so high, basically - I was almost in a trance & my brain matter was also vibrating like in the sea, front, back, front back. At times, I would experience similar thing at church or temple chanting.

I strongly believe one thing that - I can reach 'GOD"/s easily, I dont mean in a bragful way. What I mean is I do have some form of connection with the universe and well aware of it. And different religious people have confirmed this - thou they are always vague anyhow. U know, religious people, dont know why they can never say things straight.

Now, listening at home - I didnt feel as strong & powerful, but I am indeed interested to explore, and while, strangely - these 2 days I did have weird dreams. Not something very sci-fi but at least I remembered it and was able to record it partially. One was....I got a souvenir from somewhere - it's fusion elements from Mars and it can glow in the dark.

I want to fly

While listening to this song, I feel like flying. Vaguely, I remember - I heard this song as my ex-hus took me to this concert, I didnt know this taiwanese singer back then, but quickly fell in love with this song, coz everything sounds so simple even his lyric meaning.

Then, while listening to this song - I heard some bad news from a fren. Her sister from uncle side was "beaten" to death by GZ police and her dad is in hospital. Ar, makes me want to fly even more.

While, listening to this song, I think of a person - waiting for his msg. Wondering if something happens. So, yes I want to fly to the sky, roam around the sky, watch from above - and then shit to everyone from above..........hehe.....shits of blessing. Yes paradoxical, but if it's a blessing, shits also seem good.

hehe. sorry, my mind is abit distorted today....

Lyrics is basic -  Love is simple and already forgot how we started but then I am now crazily in love with you. No Regrets, No anything, but I just love you & will never give up the rights to be in luv with you.

The more cliche, the more realistic 

We live in a meshwork of paradoxical & unity

See My Past

As I was rambling on bitching about some crazy guyz, I at the end....did meet up with my ex. :P The thing is my toilet light was out, he was kind enough to offer to change for me. We had a nice time, but one thing - haha - he kept saying "I hate CHU" (I hate U) which was our sweet talk long time ago. Basically, I just ignored him. I really think I am a freaking passionately hot human being, yet I could be a damn cold bitch at times.

Then we had a nice dinner, chat. And thanks to him, he kinda vindicated me something that has been marginally bothering me, which is, I have been called "High maintenance". I have tried to argue my way through with people to justify their accusation, hehe. The fact is, if people think U r, there's no way to fend off anyways. So I accepted this accusation on the surface. Coz honestly, how could someone not money-minded, no demand in bf wealth or gifts showering be high maintenance. And also, I dont buy branded goods much at all...maybe every 5 years once? Well, though, I like unique stuff, chic looking bags, yes I love shoes very much, and also vintage......well how can a gal so in love with getting people used clothes, bags, shoes be....high maintenance?!?! :)

Anyhow, I asked him - so people say I am high maintenance, what do you think? He - U? No way, how could you be? I - yea, fucking rite, how could I be. And the only thing I am high maintenanced of is intelligently, emotionally & mentally, apart from that I got not much request. Thanks to him, now I feel so much better!!!!!! hehe......though somewhat he still thinks I am a bitch. The cute kind, :)

And after seeing him, I feel like - it was my past life. I was abit different back then. Clingy, jealousy plagued, etc etc....and all the men I was with, they were kind of weak or poor....hehe....ie not a way to badmouth them, I know but that's the fact. And by stopping dating for almost 2 years, it really helps me to re-adjust my inner esteem and decide more what I want now. 

Frankly, I feel happy to see him becoz it's like finally - not just I got vindicated, but I also got cleared of my certain karma in relationships. And I am delighted to see that from his past reliance on me for daily living roof or food, he's now a stand alone person with quite good future....anyhow, I am always glad to see the men I sent back to the world are well & all.

:)

Fasting

I am not sure why lately alotta people talk about fasting, there's a new trend in HK - it's a mixed of fasting with Chi Kung (the chinese kinda like Riki kung Fung thing - I think), it seems it cleanses many bodies and slims many of them down. The duration is 7 days. Well, it involves meditation as well. 

This, I wont try. I dont like the 7 days thing. Too controlling. :P

Well, but fasting - I did that before, 3 days. It was during church time - I would fast for 3 days, but I find that when ones attempts fasting ever, you would realize that the food that you never even have a craving before would just ALL FLOOD to your head. And you start to feel - that will be the first thing I am gonna eat when that hours of torture are done.

Now, I never attempt.

But lately, I am fasting in food & sleep. Basically, I dont eat much and I cant sleep much. So it's a dual fast. No particular reason, just couldnt. I think I really need some sleeping pills now.

Today morning, some news, kinda got my adrenaline beefing up, so well, I didnt sleep for whole day, but guess tonite I would have a sweet sleep. I am forcing myself to do alotta errands today, so I wouldnt be tempted to have afternoon nap at all.

I honestly dunno how to set my body clock, I always think I actually dont have one. Well, maybe it's just few hours diff, but when I was in Spain, I didnt hv jetlag, then when back to HK, I didnt have jetlag too. I basically never really experience jetlag, as far as I remember - I follow the daily schedule rather than my body clock. Also, sometimes I follow maybe my darling(s)'s body clock.

Now, I feel I am so uncool. haha. Anyways, ie what has always happened. :)

YAWN. Just wanna drop a note to say Hi. :)

deliated memory

I met up with few frenz today, after being a basically cocoon melancholic depressive worm for weeks. So I went to meet a fren who went through & is going through similar things as now-me. So she had few frenz with her.

O well, may I bitch?

Sometimes I get really really sick of people detailed description of a thought - which is so tedious, not something intelligent & mind provoking. But I gotta thank her as she really distracted me from depression, as I realize that someone deserves more depression than me. hehe.

OK, what did she wrong me? Well, as I already said yesterday was the Full Moon or the Mid-Autum Festival, so she went to this BBQ. And she (shit, I feel I am boring U even by repeating her, but I want to justify why I felt so fucking bored by her, still lingering this shitload of boredom in my every cell - but once again, yes I have to thank her for her super boring amuzement) -

OK so her frenz asked her to get a box of mooncakes (yes during such festives we eat mooncakes, what's that? Well, it's packed with gelatinated glue of sugar & egg yolks, I think - I hate the taste of it) - and she got pissed becoz they wanted the tin box to play the "candles (yes another HK practice, during such festives we burn candles for fun, not for ambience, and we have lanterns - for what? ummm....supposedly, traditional it's an intelligence enhancement - coz each latern should have some sort of idioms or I dunno what it calls - guess words? attached on them). OK back to her, sorry - so she got pissed that maybe her frenz wouldnt pay her back the money...........HAHAHHAHAH......and coz she has been used many times to run errands already. So she had this thinking process what excuse to offer why she didnt show up with the tin can & of coz she did go around to find one. 

I laughed. I couldnt help it at that moment. For 1, if your frenz r so sux, fucking ditch them, delete them outta your life. My time is for wonderful & intelligent people ONLY & Solely. For 2, Just show up and says "Opps, I fucking forgot about that, as I am too busy (i) shagging a passerby; or (ii) I was buzzed by too many guyz to attend their events - ALWAYS LIE..........hehehehe......I would do that, seriously, why do I need to care about a bunch of people like that!!?? And honestly I dont hv such frenz at all.

Sorry, I made her sound so fun, no, it's coz I am fun, not her. She also said about some other events....in such a way. And so I said to her, this person I met for 1st time & I well believe it's going to be last - Ummm, gal, U should (I rarely SHOULD people) never remember things such tedious things in details, it will make U happier (what I am trying to say wasnt to care about her happiness - I meant, if U continue to talk like that, U are gonna end up alone!!)

hehe, yes I am horrible, but seems I have been an evil & a horrible person lately, I really dont mind sending much evil thoughts to curse others. hehe.

:P

on Full Moon

Criminal thoughts are boiling up.

Werewolves world is getting agitated.

My world? Alone & Lonely. hehe.

So I am going to take my dogs out to gaze at the moon when it's dark & all.

I never really care about festives very much as it's just a date set from long long time ago by some King or tribal leaders to get people do some ritual together. I am more hoping some new festives I may derive for myself one day....I mean some should be evil ones, or maybe some are some sorta anniversaries or something.

Honestly, I also dont care much about bday or anniversaries. I sound like I dont care about anything, rite? hehe, it's partly true. Only when you see the value in sharing it with someone you love, then everyday becomes a festive. This year - hard to say, I am not meant to share with that someone. Sadly. :(

So I am lonely. Today.

I never really desire to share this Full Moon with my ex-es, rather, they would buy lanterns for me. I always just shrugged it off, as it's not fun for me. But this year, I want to gaze moon with that person. hehe.....yet he's not here, not yet a reality. Sadly. I would call him Mr Gazzi here, well, abit like Mr Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, you see. :))

I miss my Mr Gazzi. I mean I miss us together. I never miss "us" together. I think, the taste of missing us is abit traumatising for me - as it's no longer an imaginary world. I had my imaginary world before, I talked to my imaginary lover, or lovers, hehe.....we would do our imaginary talks or stuff together. Sounds crazy? No, I think it was quite healthy. But then lately, I also realize one thing.

I roamed around the world for so many years, today I was woken up - I guess with knowing Mr Gazzi character does exist does shock me to awakening, indeed. In the past, why all my relationship fails, it's simple - as all my ex-es said the same thing one way or another that I projected such a huge expectation upon them. Yet, I never felt I imposed anything on them.....truth be told, if people who knew me with my ex-es, e.g. Bruce, he could testify one thing - I was a great gf with basically limited expectation. For e.g. I never really cared what profession he had or if he got a car or which university degree he got or how much he made or if he's going to get married with me, or etc etc etc etc - I mean in HK - how hard to find a gal like me so absent-minded with all these things. hehe.  Honestly, even if they told me above, I would forget in next 5 mins. :) So all my frenz did reprimand me to be more realistic or whatever.

I also dont feel I am not realistic, one thing - I know I will never end up with them. I am just a character to play in their lives, I always feel - maybe by giving my compassionate love, this person could become a better person. Yes, like so many other galz, I had a saviour complex, but maybe to guys - if they could understand women better, we just wanted to be a mom to embrace U....but to guyz, this behaviour is really tedious, they love it & they hate it, so you guyz would say - "women like to be busybody and try to change me".

But I guess, at the end - I knew & I know they couldnt match my imaginary lover, or that particular person in my real dream (not day dream) when I had that dream at 14, or 16, dont recall. It's kinda enchanting.............I just remember his eyes.

Yet,

Say to your lovers or your gfs today - that thanks to them they want to change you on this Full Moon day, it signifies "metamorphorisis" or "shifting" (my versions) - thank them for being a woman, thank them for being so busybody, thank them for trying to make U become a better person. BELIEVE me, tonite, you will have very good orgasm!! 

I quit my saviour complex now, I need someone to save me, to shower me with alotta compassion. Frankly, I am tired..............I feel I have driven hard with pride these years, today, I am tired. I am abit afraid to lose this inner strength to fight tomorrow literally. 

So even people dont really do that, but I am going to make not a wish but few wishes to the moon. Oh yes, when I was studying in Melb, at night while walking home, I always talked to the moon. And I remember I wrote few entries of journals about that. The moon to me is a HE - so he's been with me, protected me, watched over me.

So today, long time no talk to the moon and ie what I am going to do - I will ask him to grant me my wishes. My current profession endeavor - pls solve within 2 weeks. My love - will be mine in reality. My friends & family - will find joy & peace. And as for me, I will be wiser, cuter, more witty, more creative, better vocab, finally could pen down my book idea........within next 12 mths, then....maybe abit greedy - if I hv been granted 30 years more of life, I just have this special wish which will be known between my Moon & me.

Happy FULL MOON everyone!! May you enjoy the FULL MOON magic......not just today but everyday!

Love, xoxo